Close your eyes and imagine that you are drowning in a giant ocean of human belly fat. Does this image make you unhappy? Too bad, according to scientists who say that we are all going to die in a terrible man-made lard storm. The entire world is facing a pandemic of cardiovascular disease, mostly because of the billions and billions of anus burgers served, and the sugar that everybody drinks all the time, every single day nonstop. “More than one in 10 of the world’s population is obese,” and the United States has the #1 fastest-growing obesity problem!
Here is what smug British people are saying about America (Freedom):
The US saw the biggest rise in [Body Mass Index] of all developed nations between 1980 and 2008, more than 1kg a decade. Increasingly sedentary occupations, less walking and cycling, more driving in cars and rising consumption of fast foods and sugary drinks are behind the rise which affects all high-income countries.
So basically we’re all going to die from massive McFishstick strokes, probably while watching the latest competitive hot dog eating “game” on YouTube. [The Independent via Reddit]
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I blame the McRib and the fatties next door.
And also W, too.
I don't know; it's hard to imagine the McRib containing anything of value, even in terms of calories. I've chewed on cardboard boxes with more nutrients.
Wait, did I just say that I've chewed on cardboard boxes? Ah, our flourishing economy, where shelter doubles as food!
I blame that uppity Negress Michelle Obama, because, well, why the hell not?
If only someone would make one, weird old tip available to cut belly fat.
Would that someone be "a mom"?
Would that be don't eat so much? Radical I know.,
Well, turns out that working mothers are to blame. That's great for those family values types.
Or maybe it's a virus.
Well, I'm doing my part. I start the weight loss as soon as I'm cleared.
Maybe we ought to just change our beauty standards; that seems easier than getting people to do the work needed to be healthy and attractive. And try and encourage teen pregnancy so we can be sure to have a next generation before their parents die of heart attacks and diabetes.
Where is fatsy bred? In the heart or in the head?
The 2012 flabpocalypse was predicted by the Mayans. We probably ate them, too.
Just add salsa!
Imma just leave this here.
It works at my house.
Have to confess the Frito-Lay Corporation has the key to my taste buds and mouth-feel sensors.
corn + corn syrup = big fat 'Merkans (children of the corn?)
It's just more cushion for the pushin'.
What we need here is some Spinal Tap.
"The looser the waistband, the deeper the quick sand Or so I have read."
The deeper the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'
Talk about mud flaps, my girl's got 'em
Miss the hole, you get a roll.
Warm in the winter, shade in the summer, baby.
…just as the forefathers foresaw it!
Lard Tsumani: Catch the wave, at your local McDonalds!
Catch the wave of nausea, at your local McDonalds!
/fixed
I'm so glad I started P90X so I don't become a part of these horrific figures.
And quite frankly, there's so much that can be done with broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, asparagus…VEGETABLES ARE FUN, AMERICA. TRUST ME.
Indeed
I'm sure you can have fun with carrots and cucumbers, but with broccoli? Wouldn't it tend to leave little bits behind? And asparagus is too floppy.
Asparagus can affect your "pee" value too.
There is nothing fun about cauliflower. It is disgusting and should be eradicated. Not even cheese can make it edible.
You've just never had it made right.
Roasted with parmesian, awesome.
I'm a big fan of butternut squash myself.
squash soup is my fav
Aren't the batteries expensive, though?
Holla. I just started P90X like 10 days ago and it is great. I'm not wholly following the nutrition plan but I ate pretty well to begin with, so I'm not too concerned.
Noooo waaay I started around the same time! I'm not following the nutrition plan exactly either, I'm just making healthy, high protein meals. I can handle the toughness of all the routines, but Plyo kicks my ass from here to the moon.
Unfortunately I just had reconstructive surgery on my mouth yesterday so I can't do anything strenuous for 3 days…
why yes they are, thanks for the public service message…as a vegementarian for over 30 years I can guarantee that the way to physical health and happiness lies in a veggie (and fruit) diet…plus yoga, also (oh yeah, I'm one o' THEM kinda libruls!
we're number one ……….we're number one
American exceptionalism. Exceptionally large fat asses fueled by corn sugar.
yes, but can you imagine the amount of number two?
For now. Mexico and the UK ain't no slackers, either. The only thing keeping the UK down is that they are still scared that if they get any heavier, Great Britian'll flip over.
I knew something was wrong today when I didn't start my morning with a sausage in my but. Thanks for reminding me McD's!
American Exceptionalismmmmmmmmmm…….
tasty.
I blame the obesity epidemic on the gastronomic lyrics of the Fat Boys, which glorify the abuse of trans fats and violence against pie.
USA! USA! USA! Suck it, England with your crooked teeth & funny accents. We rule…we have to be #1 in EVERYTHING!
The crooked teeth probably slow down their eating. Have you been to England? You have to really search out healthy food. Fish and chip shops. Curry places. Pub grub. Veggies boiled into submission. Personally, I think that their BMI's are lower than ours because of their tendency to binge drink and throw up.
That's pretty much how I stayed svelte in college, so I wouldn't doubt it.
That diet is probably the secret to the peaches-and-cream complexions, though. So there's that.
Yeah, I've been to England. The reason they aren't as obese as us is because 90% of their food is horrid, horrid, horrid. I don't think they've ever heard of 'salt' or 'pepper'….and, no, I'm not talking about the lovely African American female rap duo.
I'm going to have to remember that one. It sounds so hilariously inevitable.
I can't claim it. It's something my mother has said as long as I can remember.
Im so proud of America's tonnage exceptionalism.
It's funny, I can eat all sorts of crap, drink 5 sodas a day, sit on my ass all day, and yet I never seem to gain weight. ….I'll still be able to do this when I'm not in my 20s, right?
Good luck with all that. Get married and have kids, too, to make it more of a challenge.
Speaking as someone in his 30s, oh yeah you can still keep doing that, along with drinking coffee all day long while still feeling healthy and getting to sleep at night, and staying up till three drinking and still be functional at work the next day, yeah you'll still have no trouble with all that stuff.
Oh yeah, no problemo.
I'm exactly the same (though, I'm nowhere near big on pop/soda as I used to be). I wasn't ever very active, but really slowed down after high school. I'm basically the same weight as then give or take five pounds in either direction given the time of year. The difference is that though I don't put on weight, I definitely feel the effects. I'm basically an insomniac with an irritable digestive system all the damned time. I actually enjoy furits and veggies and all kinds of health foods, but it's definitely not as convenient as it should be in this country. So, I definitely have a modicum of sympathy for those honestly and genuinely battling weight problems.
That said, I don't have any sympathy for the vast majority of Americans who ridicule anyone that has the good sense to try and eat better. You know, the double-wides that baiscally call someone a homosexual if have the gall to eat a salad every now and again. Those people with repugnant pride in being "big" as they like to call it, and then have the nerve criticize people of average weight don't get any kind of sympathy, for me. If one of them tells me to "eat something" one more time…
What's going to happen? Will the accumulated mass of flesh in the Missouri, Alabama, Arkansas area finally produce a black hole singularity that sucks the rest of us in? Excuse me, a pasty white hole singularity.
U-S-A #-1
Thomas Jefferson said that! He even cultivated a garden with nineteen varieties of cheese puffs.
fat girls(boys) are like mopeds. They're a hell of a lot of fun but you wouldn't want your friends to see you riding one.
<quietly weeping for his fellow man while dragging a crisp salt and vinegar chip through a bowl of french onion dip>
The best part of waking up
is the sausage in yo butt
That's what she said.
Rush Limbaugh can be their poster child.
Rush Limbaugh would like to poster a child.
If you know what I mean.
The color-coded obesity maps at the CDC are truly eye-opening:
http://www.cdc.gov/obesity/data/trends.html
Just start at 1985 and page through the maps one by one.
Gov. Haley Barbour is leading his states to new dimensions of obesity — primarily by setting an example.
Look at 2009. What's Colorado's fucking problem?
When I was a wee one, I traveled with my family by car through the US America Mid West to get to Florida… yes, dad didn't want to pay for plane tickets.
I remember stopping at a Howard Johnson's rest stop for dinner somewhere near Cincinnati. After dinner, my dad settled the bill and mom took my sister to the bathroom while I stood outside and watched US America in all it's, um, glory. I spotted a Caprice low rider (or so I thought it was) entering the parking lot and it had tinted windows (again, so I thought.) My 12 year old mind was blown when I saw the fattest man I ever saw step out of the driver's side then left front corner of the car went up six inches. The tank looking wife stepped out and the right front corner went up six inches. Then the kids and the rear axle jumped up six inches. They were the ugliest fattest people I had ever seen. I stood there with my Canada City jaw on the ground and my eyes as big as saucers as they waddled into the HoJo.
I still remember the special of the day being "All You Can Eat Fried Clam Night."
What's sad is that last year I was in the Inland Empire of Kaliphonya and from what I saw there seemed a lot of folks were related to the Chubby Family.
They weren't fat, they were just big-boned.
Ah, Ohio. My family stopped there when I moved to Chicago for college, staying in some bumblefuck roadside hotel, and it happened to be the hotel restaurants' all you can eat buffet night. Everybody over about 25 was huge, and they all had mullets. Never before or since have I seen so many fat people in one place.
My freshman year of college, like 30% of all freshmen, I contemplated medical school. Seeing some of those sights made me think "Do I want to see these people naked?"
That and "Do I really want to take p-chem?"
that's one of the reasons I dropped out of nursing school after one semester of clinicals on the geriatric wing of the local hospital…I saw my future of chronic back pain lying in each and every bed
Ah. Well. Quite a few of us are not as svelte as we once were. Even in Kali.
George Washington rode a Hoveround!!!!!11!
I propose a Fat Tax,
How about starting with a Hoveround tax? Because of all the fun that would ensue.
From the commericals I saw on MSNBC last night once again someone is proposing a tax on soda and such, an angry woman was telling to yell at my congress people about affecting her grocery bill with a tax on soda and chips and stuff. America your priorities are in order.
Fat & Trade
Close your eyes and imagine that you are drowning in a giant ocean of human belly fat.
No need to close my eyes, Riley. I live in Ohio.
~
Been there. Even the salads are deep fried.
BOB EVANS DID OBESITY EPIDEMIC
Oh please. Mississippi here. THE END.
The weather is so depressing here you can't help but shove the nastiest food item in your face to feel even the slightest bit happy.
On the bright side, the soon-to-be booming scooter and hover-round industry will save our economy.
That and the piano case sized coffins.
Nice to see someone looking at this with the big gulp is half full attitude. This is boon for the aviation industry, 2 seat tickets for 1 passenger. Boeing will be developing a plane with 5 engines to get Americans off the ground.
In all fairness Glenn, Rush. and 98.9% of NASCAR fans make up for a great portion of our national body mass index.
I love that I am getting a coupon for "Betty Crocker Real Butter Creamy Mashed Potatoes" at the top of this post.
If you like wakin' up with a sausage in yo butt, imagine the fun you can have with those potatoes.
Ooh, those are not bad.
This almost certainly heralds the death of sumo. Who wants to watch a couple of anorexics with ponytails and diapers bump into each other repeatedly?
[What? Oh. Really? That's disgusting!]
Who wants to watch a couple of anorexics with ponytails and diapers bump into each other repeatedly?
Well, since you asked.
USA! USA! USA!
Let the Eagle, ummm, uhh, rollt? Let the Eagle Roll.
Downfister's sad we're mocking the fat.
I saw that. I had upfisted every single comment on this thread, and suddenly a bunch of 1s and 0s?
Haha, give it up downfister trool. You have no chance against our powers!
~
I picture a 500 pound man who starts wheezing if he has to click the mouse more than a few times. He is wheezing heavily today.
Downfisting is probably the most exercise he/she/it has gotten all year.
Comments like that will push him/her/it dangerously close to that inevitable coronary.
Wonkette. It angries up the blood!
Don't forget fapping. And dusting the cheetoh dust off his lap.
The great thing about obesity is that Triple Baconators taste great today, but you don't have to worry about the bypass surgery for like, probably, months.
It's just like a credit card!
Am I the only one who thinks bacon smells absolutely disgusting? (I haven't eaten it in about two decades so I'm not sure about the taste.) Bacon is getting put on EVERYTHING lately and I honestly don't get the appeal.
Then again, with these statistics, maybe I really AM the only one who doesn't…
Does anybody need another donut? I'm making a run.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sdARU27Pg9A
Boy oh boy are the Chinese going to be pissed when they foreclose and find that we are all too fat to get out of bed and make sneakers.
They can blame General Tsao and his tasty chicken for that.
You have to admire a culture where they celebrate their greatest military leaders by naming an entree after them.
Makes me want to try a General Sherman's Southern Style Pot Roast, drizzled with the tears of slave owners.
I've got the healthy diet and exercise stuff going, but I won't be able to lose any weight until someone creates Diet Bourbon.
But they already have! It's called "bourbon on the rocks."
Upfisted just for your picture.
Since America is pretty much over, I believe that the U-S-A chant will soon be a thing of the past. However, our new and more accurate mantra should be "B-M-I…B-M-I…" Finally, an area where we can, legitimately, once again take pride in our world leadership position.
Now let's get "Tug-O'-War" into the Olympics, and move forward, together, as one nation, with an insatiable desire for peas on earth. Praise the lard.
Fun fact – tug-o'-war WAS in the Olympics, once.
Anus burgers, lard, liquid sugar, McFishstick.
OMG, I'm so fucking hungry.
Hey Riley, do they make those pink Polo sweaters in 4XL?
The Lard is punishing us!
But Freddy Mercury told me Fat-Bottomed girls make the rockin world go round.
He also suggested we get on our bikes and ride.
I always thought that was a euphemism for another type of ride.
As I recall, Freddy Mercury's personal preferences in girls were that they should have penises and well developed abs.
A couple of years ago, Australia had eclipsed us as the fattest nation, but I knew we could eat or way back to the top of the heap!
We need to be EATING THE FUTURE!!!!111
And some Slim Jims and Jo Jos.
I'm sorry, America, but you're below the yellow line. You're not the biggest loser. Say goodbye to Bob and Jillian.
–Sami from Days of Our Lives
Riely, I've seen your profile pic. You could use some tubes of uncooked cookie dough and fried beer.
Geez, dude. I'm on a diet. Cut me some slack.
One in ten ain't so bad that's Darwinism and who needs those mouth breathers sucking up all our oxygen. Now pass me my bottle of vodka
Anyone got a patent on flab platters for laptops yet? 'Twould keep the fatz's 'puters from disappearing into their folds. Megabucks, baby, megabucks.
I'm not drowning, I'm waving.
I just threw up a couple of pounds after seeing that first pic.
I clicked on those links and now I wish I was dead.
Maybe this is in Mother Nature's grand plan. Once the polar bears descend on us from the Arctic because we've completely melted the polar ice caps and destroyed their ability to hunt, all the Fatty McCankles won't be able to outrun them and will basically become bear food. The polar bears get fed, and we make a dent in our overpopulation problem. Win, win!
Wait a second. A post about America's chronic obesity problem, and no comments regarding it's Lord God King? Fine.
This is good news for Haley Barbour.
I actually did make a comment about him setting an example for his state under the CDC map link, which demonstrates conclusively that Mississippi has been the consistent leader in obesity since 1985.
True story: me and a friend were eating in a dive to treat a hangover when we watched a Mrs. Creosote-like woman lumber to her seat. Once dropped in it, she hoisted her tree-like legs on another chair and proceeded to order the extra-large fries as an appetizer–with a double order of gravy (and portions were in the 'country-style' to start). Girlfriend then empties the bread basket's butter pats–and orders more–after pushing the bread aside. Perhaps 2 dozen butter pats were put on the fries before the gravy went on. I've never gotten over it.
Isn't gravy just a grease smoothie? And the butter adds the "milk" group.
Fries with butter and gravy? That sounds nearly as bad as the European fries with mayo.
If it had cheese in the mix, wouldn't that make it poutine? Were you in Canada? Eww.
Every child now born in the USA will have the initials S.S. preceding their name.
It's only a Kilogram… not like it's 2.205 pounds or anything. Now that would be something to think on.
Balloon goes up, balloon doesn't come down.
I once had a very very serious lapse in judgment with a "tsunami of obesity." It was many years ago, just after undergrad, it was a christmas party, I assure you, it was not so much the quantity of spirits consumed, you understand, as the variety. At any rate, I lost my treasured and quite expensive class ring in her car. A few days later, I saw the Tsunami again, and, because of the ring, I could not try to slink away into the shadows, as would have been my wont. I was forced to go and greet the poor dear as if I actually were glad to see her, and having done so, I asked if she had happened to find my class ring, in her car, oh its too sordid to go there, but anyway, she said that yes, in fact, she had. But, leering salaciously, she boldly, directly told me that she intended to exact from me by way of ransom, a repeat performance of my lapse of taste, before she would produce the jewelry. And I didn't think twice, I declined the exchange, and to this day, I suppose she still has that $700 fucking ring. Because it wasn't worth it to me.
well i for one will be feeling superior when i die of alcohol poisoning.
I guess that is one thing my mom did right. 3 balanced meals a day with one snack unless fruits/vegetables. Pop/potato chips for special occasions only– parties, going to the beach, when you were sick.
"1kg a decade"
Nice try you limey bastards – we're not falling for that metric bullshit. Convert that into good ol' pounds and – uh, never mind.
Are they too fat to procreate? If not, then from an evolutionary perspective, there's nothing to worry about. In fact, it could solve some of our worker/retiree imbalance problems.
The Palin girls are an example for the rest of us: procreate during the window of nubility, age 14-18 or so, then put on the pounds!
More like Tsu-nummie! Mmmmmm!
Welcome to McDonald's, can I take your order?
Yes, I'd like a large American Exceptionalism, an order of Freedom Fries, oh, and a Diet Coke.
Would you like the Super-size that?
Oh, what the hell. Sure. As a matter of fact, could you just put everything in a large mixing bowl/feeding trough and add some gravy on top?
————————————————–
Mmmm….American Exceptionalism, with gravy and extra cheese…mmm.
I promise you that I'm neither high nor wasted.
We're so fat our PETS are on diets.
The county maps are actually scarier; the south is basically a wall of diabetics and fat.
*WAR PIGS*
black sabbath
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