Hello! Would you like to know what your President Mahmoud Barack Hussein Al-Bama did this week? Well, this column will tell you everything in vast, accurate detail, based on Official White House Videographer Arun Chaudhary’s weekly pornographic Inter-tubes serial. But let us imagine instead that you would perhaps be more interested in a WEST WING WEEK DRINKING GAME! If so, just skip past all the hard-hitting investigative reportage to get to the end of this posticle. Deal? Deal! Let’s do this thing!
On Friday, Bammerz told some people about some healthcare crap. “I am not willing to stand down like some kind of health-hating pussy,” Bammerz said. Also, a lady realized that the U.S. government would save millions of Ameros if it sent some sort of document out via email instead of printing it? For this, Obama gave her a certificate printed on paper.
On Saturday and Sunday, there was skullduggery.
On Monday, Bamz greeted the first-ever White House Women’s Online Summit, where presumably Violet Blue, Xeni Jardin, and Michelle Malkin all played Sexxxay Boggle while Ana Marie Cox, Amanda Congdon, and yours truly knitted sweaters for puppies and I guess probably McCain Blogette was there too? Fact: your authoress counts herself a fan (SUCK ON THIS TRUTH, COMMENTARIAT OF DOOOOOOM) so probably she and I would hang out at the Online Sleepover and maybe we would have hot chocolate and talk about gays, in a nice way.
On Tuesday, Bammerz forced the Cabinet come in to talk about the pyramids collapsing and also the snow falling from the sky on everyone’s yurts. At 2:53 note your president bro-hugging dawgz. Also please note that your Secretary of State Hillary Clinton looks effing GORGEOUS in that purple ensemble. Not that it matters when you are also a genius of high achievement (FEMINISM!) but for serious, mamma look good in purple.
On Wednesday, there was hooliganism.
On Thursday, Obammie went with Secretary of State Steven Chu to State College, PA, which happens to be one of the worst places anyone could ever go, ever, unless it is one’s ambition to die by choking on one’s own vomit in the icy snow while surrounded by hordes of idiots. This is what is called “having fun” in this awful town. Barry and Steve avoided this fate by going to some laboratory and seeing sciencey things.
Whatever, Friday, who cares, DRINKING GAME! You are all alcoholics anyway, so this will just make your Friday evening self-marination ritual slightly more challenging. Here are the Official Barry Can You Hear Me? West Wing Week Drinking Game Rules and Regulations.
When Arun (the mysterious disembodied voice in these pornisodes) or anyone else utters any form of the follow words, take a sip: innovate, solution, renew, partnership, promise, women, children, education, advance.
Whenever Barry signs something, you take a sip. Whenever Barry signs something that Arun calls “historic,” you take a shot.
Whenever Arun says “a host of issues,” you do a double shot.
If an “annual meeting” is covered, do a kegstand.
If anyone says “[insert imperative verb] the future,” squeeze a lime over your genitals. Ask your best friend to stick a tongue in your be-limed hole to soothe the burning. This is how we all BLANK the future!
Whenever Secretary of Energy Steve Chu shows up, stick your dick into a glass of ethanol and stir it up. Then throw it out and take a shot of something else.
When Council of Economic Advisors Austan Goolsbee appears, chant his name out loud until you achieve a trancelike state. Then shotgun a beer and crush the can against your forehead.
If anyone vomits apres drinking game, he or she must by law recite the Pledge of Allegiance to his or her barf-pile. Then it is time for a 12-step programme, as the British probably say.
Happy weekend, scamps!