barry can you hear me?

The Week In Barry Drinking Game

Barry!Hello! Would you like to know what your President Mahmoud Barack Hussein Al-Bama did this week? Well, this column will tell you everything in vast, accurate detail, based on Official White House Videographer Arun Chaudhary’s weekly pornographic Inter-tubes serial. But let us imagine instead that you would perhaps be more interested in a WEST WING WEEK DRINKING GAME! If so, just skip past all the hard-hitting investigative reportage to get to the end of this posticle. Deal? Deal! Let’s do this thing!

On Friday, Bammerz told some people about some healthcare crap. “I am not willing to stand down like some kind of health-hating pussy,” Bammerz said. Also, a lady realized that the U.S. government would save millions of Ameros if it sent some sort of document out via email instead of printing it? For this, Obama gave her a certificate printed on paper.

On Saturday and Sunday, there was skullduggery.

On Monday, Bamz greeted the first-ever White House Women’s Online Summit, where presumably Violet Blue, Xeni Jardin, and Michelle Malkin all played Sexxxay Boggle while Ana Marie Cox, Amanda Congdon, and yours truly knitted sweaters for puppies and I guess probably McCain Blogette was there too? Fact: your authoress counts herself a fan (SUCK ON THIS TRUTH, COMMENTARIAT OF DOOOOOOM) so probably she and I would hang out at the Online Sleepover and maybe we would have hot chocolate and talk about gays, in a nice way.

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On Tuesday, Bammerz forced the Cabinet come in to talk about the pyramids collapsing and also the snow falling from the sky on everyone’s yurts. At 2:53 note your president bro-hugging dawgz. Also please note that your Secretary of State Hillary Clinton looks effing GORGEOUS in that purple ensemble. Not that it matters when you are also a genius of high achievement (FEMINISM!) but for serious, mamma look good in purple.

On Wednesday, there was hooliganism.

On Thursday, Obammie went with Secretary of State Steven Chu to State College, PA, which happens to be one of the worst places anyone could ever go, ever, unless it is one’s ambition to die by choking on one’s own vomit in the icy snow while surrounded by hordes of idiots. This is what is called “having fun” in this awful town. Barry and Steve avoided this fate by going to some laboratory and seeing sciencey things.

Whatever, Friday, who cares, DRINKING GAME! You are all alcoholics anyway, so this will just make your Friday evening self-marination ritual slightly more challenging. Here are the Official Barry Can You Hear Me? West Wing Week Drinking Game Rules and Regulations.

When Arun (the mysterious disembodied voice in these pornisodes) or anyone else utters any form of the follow words, take a sip: innovate, solution, renew, partnership, promise, women, children, education, advance.

Whenever Barry signs something, you take a sip. Whenever Barry signs something that Arun calls “historic,” you take a shot.

Whenever Arun says “a host of issues,” you do a double shot.

If an “annual meeting” is covered, do a kegstand.

If anyone says “[insert imperative verb] the future,” squeeze a lime over your genitals. Ask your best friend to stick a tongue in your be-limed hole to soothe the burning. This is how we all BLANK the future!

Whenever Secretary of Energy Steve Chu shows up, stick your dick into a glass of ethanol and stir it up. Then throw it out and take a shot of something else.

When Council of Economic Advisors Austan Goolsbee appears, chant his name out loud until you achieve a trancelike state. Then shotgun a beer and crush the can against your forehead.

If anyone vomits apres drinking game, he or she must by law recite the Pledge of Allegiance to his or her barf-pile. Then it is time for a 12-step programme, as the British probably say.

Happy weekend, scamps!

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About the author

Sara Benincasa is an award-winning comedian, writer and radio talk show host. Her outspoken, sexually-charged comedy has won praise from the Chicago Tribune, CNN, The Guardian, and The New York Times, and has earned her an ECNY (Emerging Comedian of New York) Award and a Webby nomination. Her memoir, "Agorafabulous!: Dispatches From My Bedroom," (William Morrow/HarperCollins), was based on her critically acclaimed solo show about panic attacks and agoraphobia. She is currently working on a novel for young adults.

View all articles by Sara Benincasa

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62 comments

  1. DashboardBuddha

    Oh oh oh…this is hugely off topic, but I can't wait to share. Sarah Palin is trying to trademark her and Bristol's name, but failed because they both forgot to sign the document and no commercial activity could be attributed to her name.
    http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20110204/us_nm/us_pali

    I'm betting that Sarah thought that if she trademarked herself, no one could say bad things about her…like "Sarah is an embarrassing, ignorant cunt".

    1. OneDollarJuana

      You mean Sarah quit before she finished the form? I can't believe it. She's the queen of follow-through.

    2. GuyClinch

      She didn't sign the form? Great, now she's going to have to learn to write. It's gonna be a while! Or will a shaky X do?

    3. Bluestatelibel

      "Your honor, my name and what's-her-name's names are COPYRIGHTED all legal-like, and I'm suing Wonkette for a million dollars for sayin' mean things about us!!!"

    4. prommie

      I betcha serious cash money she be trying to prevent Joe McGinnis from putting her name in the title of his book, thats what I think she is up to, in her half-assed incompetent way.

        1. SorosBot

          Palin is an expert on copyright law and has conducted thorough research that proves this is totally legit and not some flight of idiocy she thought of that will be laughed out of court, possibly literally like in Fox News' suit against Franken over "fair and balanced", don'cha know.

    5. fuflans

      i have long thought someone should give SP a copy of gorey's 'The Recently Deflowered Girl: The Right Thing to Say on Every Dubious Occasion".

    6. lulzmonger

      This is no mistake, sheeple: she's actively plotting with Teh Muzlin KaliFate to discredit the entire incorproration system!

      Why does She Who Takes Six Rounds To Hit A Caribou hate capitalism?

    7. jakegittes

      She was successful however in trademarking "embarrassing, ignorant cunt." So, next time you call her that, whip out a ten dollar bill.

  2. AngryBlakGuy

    …after reading those rules, I have a feeling that I will wake up on my neighbors roof with no pant again and wondering how the hell I got there.

  3. slithytoves

    I'm sorry, Sara, I'd have to do all my drinking beforehand in order to watch that video, but I did forward to 2:53 and agree that Hillary looks fantabulous.

  4. Come here a minute

    Dear Miss Sara — I do not care for adding any challenge to my Friday night marination, thank you very much. The whole endeavor is intended to erase the memory of the week's challenges, and pretend Monday is months away. MARINATE THE FUTURE.

  5. el_donaldo

    Care to expand on Wednesday's hooliganism? It either pales in comparison to the drinking game, or it is something of which we have not yet invented language.

    1. Extemporanus

      It's funny 'cause it's Chu!

      (I quickly—yet lovingly!—made that dumb thing like a year ago in response to a Wonkette post on the Nobel Prize-winning Facebook failure and tried to leave it as a comment, but the Editors unfairly eated it for some unknown reason.

      Make like you're in a Republican threesome and start at the bottom and work your way to the top. Or don't. Who the hell am I to tell you how to spend your fucking time?!)

  6. SorosBot

    What were Obama and Chu doing going to State College in February? Football season's over (well, college football season); the only reason for non-students to ever go there is Penn State football.

  7. metamarcisf

    Special pre-Super Bowl Reagan Tribute Drinking Game addendum:

    Whenever one of the shit-heels doing the presenting (Rick Perry) utters the phrase 'founding foreskins", chug a can of (a) Schlitz if you're a (fudge) Packer fan or (b) Iron City if you root for the sexual predator they call a quarterback.

  8. MozakiBlocks

    I want Austan Goolsbee stare deeply into my eyes and ask me what my idea is.

    Then Arun would really get to film something innovative.

  9. Grief_Lessons

    I feel less flagellated than usual after one of Sara's columns. Calling me a stain or a perverted fuckwad or what have you stings a little; calling me an alcoholic is like a gentle pat on the back and a "Good day, Sunshine".

  10. WhatTheHeck

    Sara, I had no idea politics could be bad for both my liver and my wallet. Call me a lightweight, if you want, but it is fairly obvious I have no stomach for all this politicking.

    How people get to be politicians, I'll never know. Except, one thing I do know is, both politics and alcohol are intoxicating.

  11. weejee

    Sara Bee, you missed Barry's greatest moment this week when he threw his support to Jasmine the Islamic Transvestite to be interim Prez in Egypt. Think of Jasmine as Cleopatra with a five o'clock shadow who, with Obamar's brilliant timing, will easily displace Priscilla Mehbarak as Queen of the Desert.

  12. yyyaz

    Sorry, Sara, but I'm saving (what's left) of my liver for such time as any righttard says or does anything of worth. Or until 5 p.m. MST, whichever comes quicker.

  13. cheaphits

    That chanting "Austan Goolsbee" kinda works…not as well as alcohol, drugs or passionate sex but it's good to learn something new from my new fave living author, Sara Benincasa.

  14. dinkybossetti

    I accidentally went to State College PA during homecoming weekend once. I mean that I went there on purpose to see Billy Bragg play but accidentally drove head-on into homecoming weekend. Having attended a couple of urban universities, where "homecoming" doesn't actually mean anything to the students, the whole scene was terrifying to me. Suddenly, the stories I'd read about college students falling drunkenly out of windows to their deaths began to make sense.

  15. fuflans

    is there an end time to this drinking game? i'm just trying to figure out how many bottles of wine i'll need if this goes thru say, 2012.

  16. savethispatient

    Pretty sure Britain doesn't have a 12 Step Programme, Sara – last time I tried to join the AA, I ended up working as a Breakdown Recovery repair-man. Then I had some more beer.

  17. SayItWithWookies

    Sara, I can only imagine that you're a fan of Miss McCain because you've either never dated a virgin or you like her for the same reason I like thefoxnation.com — you never know what's going to come out of it next. Either one is entertaining in its own masochistic way. For instance, the FN.com had a lovely interview with Governor Chris Christie (who apparently almost sat on Barbra Streisand at the White House dinner for Premier Hu) where he told New Jersey police officers that their cushy free ride was over, and they'll have to start paying their own $24,000 annual insurance policies.
    (No, I'm not kidding.)

  18. qwerty42

    Sara, I'm detecting a certain … hostility in this:
    …State College, PA, which happens to be one of the worst places anyone could ever go, ever, unless it is one’s ambition to die by choking on one’s own vomit in the icy snow while surrounded by hordes of idiots. This is what is called “having fun” in this awful town.
    So, what's the knock on the place? I haven't been there, but college towns can be kinda nice…

  19. kenneth65

    the FN.com had a lovely interview with Governor Chris Christie (who apparently almost sat on Barbra Streisand at the White House dinner for Premier Hu) where he told New Jersey police officers that their cushy free ride was over, and they'll have to start paying their own $24,000 annual insurance policies. http://www.resvibrant.org/

  20. kenneth65

    the FN.com had a lovely interview with Governor Chris Christie (who apparently almost sat on Barbra Streisand at the White House dinner for Premier Hu) where he told New Jersey police officers that their cushy free ride was over, and they'll have to start paying their own $24,000 annual insurance policies.

Comments are closed.