give me laser murder or give me death

Rand Paul Won’t Interfere With People Shooting Down Airplanes With Lasers

He constantly shot lasers in people's eyes without a license when he was a pretend doctor! It's alright.Since the dawn of American civilization, man has directed his laser pointer at airplane cockpits in order to blind the pilots and make the thing crash to the ground, for teh lulz. Unfortunately, the Senate yesterday passed a bill making this sort of thing illegal, by a vote of 96-1. Any guesses as to the brave legislator who stood against big government and for the founders explicit intent to let people shoot lasers as they please? Yes, Rand Paul. “There are a lot of states that already have laws, and I think the states ought to take care of it,” he decided. Yes, this is definitely a state issue. Airplanes are very careful to stay within the borders of the small handful of states that take part in this fanciful sky-based form of transportation.

On Wednesday, the senator said during his maiden floor speech that he did not wish to be known as the “great compromiser,” a description reserved for legendary Kentucky lawmaker Sen. Henry Clay. Rather he compared his fight against government overreach to the campaign by antebellum abolitionists.

Go forth and kill people in airplanes with your PowerPoint swords, citizens! Free at last! Free at last! [WSJ]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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128 comments

  1. charlesdegoal

    Spoken like a true anarcho-libertarian, except that states are also the oppressors and we need to get the gubmint out of our hair, so better yet: let families prevent their more unruly members from shooting down aircraft.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      But if we allow it in families then let them police it, what about the boys who will be emasculated and have to read that dangerous boys book because they couldn't grow up as real men? Huh? Have you even thought of that?

  2. SorosBot

    "Rather he compared his fight against government overreach to the campaign by antebellum abolitionists."

    Gah. No, fucktard, the abolitionists were A. trying to make America better, not worse, B. not racists like you are, and C. had a coherent and logical political philosophy instead of following the most ridiculous, easily refuted piece of shit anyone's ever called philosophy.

  3. DashboardBuddha

    Leave it to the states? Seriously? A plane flies into the Holy Sovereign Nation/State of Rascalistan from another state and this is a state issue? Perhaps he forgot was ignorant that anything that goes one between the states is the fed's business

    1. MissTaken

      He's a strict reader of the constitution, so strict in fact that only the business between the 13 original states falls under Federal jurisdiction.

      1. DustBowlBlues

        I always wonder how these strict constructionists explain James Madison's intention in the second amendment as applied to machine guns in the hands of private citizens and guns with cop killing bullets. Or the first amendment vis-a-vis foreign corporations laundering millions of dollars through the Chamber of Douchebaggery to put into political campaigns. Hell, Thomas Jefferson thought we should have a new constitution every 20 years, just to keep things up to date.

        Oh, I forgot. The assholes who claim strict adherence to the constitution reject everything Jefferson said except for that blood of patriots quote.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      I can't say if he was good or bad, but I once dated one of his patients and all through the date she kept saying, "let me look at you with my good eye".

      1. Negropolis

        That certainly sounds like Kentucky. And, they only chew on one side of their mouths, because one side has teeth.

        1. zhubajie

          And what they chew is 'baccy.

          Remember the opening scenes of "The People vs. Larry Flynt"? That's not in the mountains, but next door to Cincinnati, a major city.

  4. PublicLuxury

    Rand HATES his job. Since he hates his job he believes all other congresspeople hate theirs too. He knows all the citizens hate his job. He is trying to solve the problem by eliminating his job. He hates that the unemployment numbers are falling. He thinks everybody needs to unemployed. He's dog shit pate.

  5. LocalGirlMakesGoo

    Aside from disagreeing with him over just about everything, I am now pissed that he looks better in scrubs than I do.

  6. Serolf_Divad

    Rather he compared his fight against government overreach to the campaign by antebellum abolitionists.

    Yeah, because is there's one thing the abolitionists belived it was that the Federal government had no right telling the states what to do.

    1. freakishlywrong

      They were also known for their very pro stance on blinding pilots of airplanes with lasers.

    2. PsycWench

      I seem to remember Rand Paul (unless I'm thinking of his dad) saying that he wouldn't have supported civil rights legislation during the 60's because he believed in states' rights. I'm sure abolitionists would love to hear him explain how he is just like them yet completely opposed to them. Maybe John Lewis could drop by and hear him out.

      1. Serolf_Divad

        His line of thinking:

        Premise 1: The abolitionaists were for freedom
        Premise 2: I'm for freedom
        ——
        Conclusion: I'm just like the abolitionists

        What's great about this particualr syllogism is that it allows anyone other than a comic book villain who explicitly declares his hatred for freedom to say that they're just like the abolitionists.

        1. DustBowlBlues

          "particualr syllogism"

          Big words! That's why I read "my" the wonket, because of the big words. It has nothing to do with the potty-mouthed snark. The wonket is an educational site. Why doesn't an online uni give us college credit for participating?

        2. Ducksworthy

          Please diagram this syllogism in symbolic logic being sure to differentiate it from ass-hatted teabaggery and outright psychosis.

  7. donner_froh

    Thank god for Rand Paul. The next step after lasers might be to outlaw the Stinger shoulder mounted surface to air missile. That would be a huge federal intervention into what is clearly a state issue.

    1. prommie

      Its a slippery fucking slope. Imagine the short parade of horribles, next thing you know, the government will be making you eat broccoli, or have a license to practice medicine.

  8. iburl

    in Rand Paul's America you'll be able to torture your row-mates when you fly over Kentucky, get gay-married as you fly over Iowa, have sex with your sister over Alabama and shoot the pilot in the face with silly string when you fly over Oklahoma. State's Rights!

  9. AngryBlakGuy

    …doesnt he realize that it is hard enough for out pilots to fly shyt-faced drunk without laser beams turning their retinas into bacon?!

  10. el_donaldo

    Looks like he's going to do the same dickish "no" vote on everything his dad does. God forbid a Republican legislator actually do the job one was elected to rather than pointlessly attention whore.

    1. Gleem_McShineys

      Yeah, well, that pretty much IS the job they were elected to do. I think it says right on his application "Media Assclown"

      How many atheists, do you suppose, become priests in order to streamline whatever religious-type works priests do?

      1. Preferred Customer

        Not sure which document you're reading, but my copy of the Articles of Confederation mentions both lasers and airplanes. And unicorns and rainbows, too.

  11. Thurman Munster IV

    If he was a real libertarian Randy Paul would insist that this kind of regulation be run by villages or neighborhood associations.

  12. weejee

    Opthoproctologist Senator Rand Paul again shows his 20:400 vision of political reason. Not only can't he find his ass with both hands, he can't find it with a laser.

  13. Prizepig

    Let the free market handle this problem. After several dozen plane crashes and no fewer than 2000 casualties, General Dynamics will have the profit motive to invent some laser proof cockpit glass. It's a win-win for everyone (who's not killed)!

    1. Beanball

      I think slapping some Polaroid® Film on the windshields would do the trick, but we'd probably have to crash a few jetliners to be sure.

  14. SorosBot

    It's very simple; some planes fly routes that only go within one state, like say Los Angeles to San Francisco, so not all of them are involved with interstate commerce, therefore it's unconstitutional for the feds to regulate air travel.

    Besides, when causing planes to crash using lasers is outlawed, only outlaws will cause planes to crash using lasers.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      You know what, it's true. Airlines can't sell you a cocktail either, if the plane is sitting on the ground at the gate, because they don't maintain liquor licenses for each individual state. They can give you one for free, of course, as anyone who's sat in first class can attest.

      I'm a sky hostess, is how I know.

      1. mayor_quimby

        Is that what that shit is about! Whenever I fly Ultra-First-Class on Airtran (please don't hate me) I always get my first vodka tonic in on the ground, and a double in the air.
        I'm always sure to swirl it around conspicuously as the peasants file past to their pathetic row 4-31 seats. It's just the American way.
        And when I can't upgrade, I glare judgementally at the pompous pricks who think they're so high and mighty as I head to my 0-recline seat in front of the shitter.
        But I do love to fly, and/or drink.
        Also, I notice you said y'all… Atlanta based?

    2. mumbly_joe

      Some planes live their entire lives in only one state, and thus never interact with interstate commerce. I hate to tell you, but these planes litter our mountainsides and residential neighborhoods every single day.

      POINT PROVEN, SIR.

  15. Kidneys4Sale

    Many states have laws against me raping (*DEFINE PLZ!!!!1!) Rand Paul in the ass, so if the rest of the Senate and the FBI and what not would care to stand aside, me and my 'Laser Pointer' would like to enjoy a little freedom from your overreach until the KY state troopers show up.

  16. Chet Kincaid

    Why didn't he just suicide-bomb the chamber instead of delivering a speech? That would advance his political philosophy a lot more effectively. No guts, no glory, Aqua-Brain!

    1. DustBowlBlues

      I didn't read the article. This was a speech to the Chamber of Commerce? I must have ESP, because I've been saying crap about them since I started reading this thread.

  17. slithytoves

    Rand isn't the only stupid here. Isn't it already illegal to blind a pilot of a plane in order to cause it to crash? Do we need a law making it specifically illegal to carry out every individual action that causes death/mayhem, etc.? Aw shucks, I'm no lawyer but this seems just more wasted time. I think they should make it illegal for babies to cry on planes, instead.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Actually, because criminal statutes have to be construed narrowly, and you can get into a whole debate over intent when dealing with stuff like aggravated assault or other laws that could arguably cover this, you are generally best off with a law that specifies the conduct to be charged.

  18. Boredw/Gravity

    "…he did not wish to be known as the “great compromiser"….

    He apparantly only wants to be known as the "great douche."

    1. baconzgood

      Damn you beat me to it Bored. I really should submit comments to Wonkette instead of answering client calls at work. My priorities are really out of whack.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      "he did not wish to be known as the “great compromiser"

      I think he's safe on that score, even if he votes yes on everything the Obama administration ever sends them.

    3. HistoriCat

      "The Great Douche" is just about the only "Great" likely to be associated with Rand Paul – he really doesn't have anything to worry about.

  19. Guppy06

    "Airplanes are very careful to stay within the borders of the small handful of states that take part in this fanciful sky-based form of transportation. "

    Well, the man does represent a part of Flyover Country…

  20. baconzgood

    Yeah. Why should you want to compromise in a legislative process? Rand was elected to be a douche and douching is what he'll do.

    1. PsycWench

      Rand Paul surely is old enough to remember the government shutdown that followed the 1994 Republican takeover, and that this did not endear the citizenry to the new hardline Republicans.

      1. widestanceroman

        Old enough: yup
        Smart enough: doubtful

        Afraid of the mob he whipped up enough to vote him in, so he'll keep the crazy going anyway: ?

      2. GOPCrusher

        I don't think he or any of the Tea Baggery care.
        Which should endear them to the mainstream Republiklans. Neither Boehner or McConnell were willing to say that they would shut the government down last weekend when pressed about the upcoming vote on raising the debt ceiling.
        They stuck with the campaign rhetoric about needing to cut spending, but neither would Man-Up and say that they would shut the government down if they didn't get what they wanted.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      My favorite: When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will shoot their children accidentally. Or be shot by them, as the case may be.

  21. CapnFatback

    Screw the states; that's still much much power in the hands of government. All issues of laser pointing at aircraft should be left up to privately-owned Laser Domes.

    1. genxr

      If the issue is left alone, someone will start a private certification board where citizens can go and read voluntary guidelines on whether or not they should crash airplanes with lasers. That's the free market solution.

  22. Terry

    An "eye-doctor" who couldn't gain accreditation from the appropriate national professional organization, so he made his own. Sort of like when Eric Cartman says 'Screw you guys, I'm going home!".

  23. gef05

    WTF?

    The Convention on Certain Conventional Weapons was ratified 20 or so years ago, and as signatories the US has to observe.

    It includes prohibition of using lasers in this way.

    So why do we even need this – because we can't trust ourselves to do what we told the world we would do? Or are our lawmakers just wasting time?

  24. Terry

    I have a suggestion. You know in college basketball when a player misses a foul shot? The crowd chants "Air ball, air ball" in a sing songy kind of way? How about whenever Rand Paul speaks in committee or on the floor of the Senate if everyone gathered (Senators, spectators, pages, everyone) starts to chant "Asshole, asshole" in that same sing songy kind of way?

    1. prommie

      They chant "ass-hole" at the refs in the same cadence, using the same notes, and when Daryl Strawberry played for the Mets, the crowds would taunt him chanting "Da-ryl" in the same way.

      No shit, sociologists have noted that crowds all over the world use the same two notes when they chant similar things, in their respective languages, at their respective sporting-gladiatorial events.

  25. NickDanger007

    Hmmm, so when is the next time he's planning on flying? Lemmee unlimber my laser shootin' iron. Too bad he won't be the pilot and sole occupant, but hey, that's just collateral damage.

  26. Preferred Customer

    If there's one thing I think we can all agree on, it is that in the glorious sweep of American history the two things that will inevitably be compared, in terms of both the substance of the issues and the potential to rip the country asunder, are a) the questions surrounding whether slavery should continue to rot the promise of freedom the Founders so boldly proclaimed, and b) anything to do with laser pointers.

    So it is entirely sensible that Rand take a stand on this. It is a moral certainty that if he had not, his name would have ineluctably been linked with that of Henry Clay.

  27. OneYieldRegular

    I loathe laser pointers and usually walk out of any presentation where one is being used (especially when doubled-down with PowerPoiint). Can we make a law that they're ONLY allowed within 100 feet of Rand Paul? I'd be okay with that.

  28. Crank_Tango

    If the founding fathers had intended to regulate the use of musketry against montgolfières, they would have included it in the constitution. same goes for laser muskets.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      I'm not a-skeert. We're moving our office in a couple of months to a place right next to a laser-surgery company. I can fire fire with fire, so to speak.

      BTW, these lasers are an indicator of how so many people still have too much money. These lasers are not for surgery on people, but pets.

  29. Lascauxcaveman

    Well, not being able to legally blind pilots with a laser pointer is EXACTLY LIKE slavery.

    Clearly, you don't have to be an opthamologist to see that.

  30. lulzmonger

    Rand Paul = secret Jedi.
    He knows all Americans must fight for their right to bear lightsabres!
    Ratify The Yoda Amendment NOW!

  31. imissopus

    When the history books are written, Sen. Rand Paul (R., Ky.) said, he does not wish to be “the great compromiser,”

    Not to worry, Rand. When the history books are written you will be a footnote at best.

    1. JustPixelz

      So far he's a pretty crappy compromiser.

      But the Tea Party is a harsh mistress who demands unwavering obedience to her every whim. Do not displease her or she wil be forced to mete out severe punishments. The exquisite pain she dispenses hardens Mr. Paul's resolve.

  32. Redhead

    And any sort of government regulation of medical schools and degrees (or, for that matter, cults) is an overreach of government too, I take it…

  33. HistoriCat

    Good strategy. I was too afraid to go out on the ice-covered freeways and play chicken with the douchebags who try to drive at their normal 80 mph speeds.

  34. Beowoof

    One can hope that on his next flight back to Braindeadistan that someone shoots the pilot of his plane with a laser.

  35. DustBowlBlues

    I think what people in the developed states don't realize is that the bigger the douchebag you are, the more popular you are with the locals.

    Exhibit one: Spooky Doktor Tom. He's done shit for OK, except for the oil companies that call the Dust Bowl home, and they love him for it. I also think our literacy rate may be dipping toward India's, which makes it easy.

  36. OneDollarJuana

    Look, all these commercial pilots are certified for instrument-only flying, right? Just put tin foil in the windows and it's all good.

  37. VaWyo

    He also introduced an amendment to take away OSHA coverage from flight attendants. Apparently he hates airline crew members. And the passengers. Oh, and the people on the ground who are also going to die when the planes crash because lasers are pointed into the cockpit.

    Senate terms are too long!

  38. JustPixelz

    I sense the cold dead hand of the NRA. "If they outlaw airplane killing lasers, only outlaws will have airplane killing lasers."

    Note to self: Don't fly over Tennessee during airplane hunting season.

  39. chascates

    But I can still cause my kittens to run into walls by bouncing a laser pointer along the floor, right?

  40. GeoatBeck

    Honestly, has anyone who has flown actually seen a laser light bouncing photons off your plane? I have flown a lot and have never seen it. I am sure it happens but how often?

    1. alaninthecastro

      More than 2800 last year (reported), and, officially, my first nonsnarky Wonkette comment.

  41. VinnyThePooh

    I would like to see someone successfully target a windscreen of a landing aircraft. Even over the threshold, an aircraft is continuously moving about three axes.

    Give me a fuckin' break.

    1. alaninthecastro

      A laser beam becomes wider (greater in circumference) as it travels and can easily be big enough to hit the windscreen without very precise targeting.

  42. Negropolis

    I will not be lectured to by an arrogant man with the haircut and build of a 14-year-old with dubious medical credentials. That's where I draw the line, 'cause I'm cool like that and I make my own rules as I go along, too.

  43. ShaveTheWhales

    1. While I suspect that this particular law may be redundant, it is also true (as was pointed out above) that explicit laws are easier to enforce.

    2. I'm sure that I'm getting old and stodgy, but I'm also sure that there was no time in my life when I considered directing a laser at the pilot of an active aircraft to be a harmless prank.

    3. The main takeaway from this story is that Randy Paul is going to be an even bigger doofus than most of us expected. Thanks, Kentucky.

  44. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    the people need more federal storm troopers
    the world needs more federal storm troopers

  45. DustBowlBlues

    I'm reading "First Family" so I'm totally onboard with Adams nepotism and the fact Abigail wasn't joking when she told John to "remember the ladies."

    In Rand's America, I'm sure that women's right to vote is a state issue.

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