For His Thousandth Birthday, Enjoy Ronald Reagan’s Every Flavor Beans!

  reagan day is xmas + halloween forever

Better than cigarettes, almost!One thing Ronald Reagan used to love was sucking on a little fruity jelly bean, back when he was president and sitting at his desk thinking about 1950s movies while a bunch of sociopaths running the White House actually began the “IslamoFascist Movement” by first employing Osama bin Laden against the Russians in Afghanistan and then giving a bunch of insane weapons to the Ayatollah’s Iran as a kind of bizarre ruin-the-world/money-laundering operation against the, uh, communists in Central America. Yes sir, Ronny loved these “Jelly Belly” concoctions. It was hard to keep that phony smile on his mean, rat face — especially without a cigarette always in his mouth, which is how he kept his rage in check during the seventy or so years before he somehow became president.

The Jelly Belly, as readers of the Harry Potter histories of England know, is a little candy that’s sort of like the crappy old “jelly bean” of yore (corn syrup, wax, probably toenails). But the Jelly Belly has many flavors, supposedly created with “real fruit or whatever,” such as “Buttered Popcorn” (which will make a child vomit; try it!) and “Wooden Dildo.”

Ronald Reagan, who made most of his pre-presidential money by selling cigarettes to children who just wanted to play Cowboys & Mexicans, decided to stop smoking at some point. This is a good move, health-wise! But a cigarette is a soothing thing to a weird villain who needs to keep a smile plastered over his pancake makeup, and something had to be found to replace the nicotine or at least the sensation of sucking at something, the way a flukeworm sucks at the insides of humans.

So, the legend goes, Reagan was on horseback (or helicopter) chasing some black people on welfare from Oakland to Sacramento, where they could be made an example of, when his jaw suddenly clenched nearly as tight as his spinchter due to not having his customary thirty cigarettes that morning because “Mommy” said it looked bad to smoke all the time like an Italian, and next thing you know he was smiling and nodding numbly again because he had crashed his horse/helicopter into the Jelly Belly factory way the hell out in the dirt-hills between Vallejo and Vacaville, and his mouth was filled with delicious Every Flavor Beans! And this is the main thing we heard about Reagan during his entire presidency, how he liked to eat candy like a Spaniard while inventing more “trees cause pollution” or “welfare buys the Negro a Cadillac” bullshit to tell people on the teevee.

Someone who purchased this gewgaw left an extremely Reagan-appropriate review on the Jelly Belly product page:

 
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Comments about Jelly Belly The Ronald Reagan Centennial 50-Flavor Gift Box:

I bought this for my boyfriend for Valentine’s Day and because he’s a huge fan of Reagan. It came in a great commemorative box with what seems like a booklet enclosed. He hasn’t opened it yet, but it definitely seems like a great item to remember Reagan by.

Exactly. Don’t ever open that book! Facts are stupid things!

Comments about Jelly Belly The Ronald Reagan Centennial 50-Flavor Gift Box:

The only negative as mentioned was not enough candy, but that’s just because they’re aren’t ever enough jelly beans for me no matter how many I have. So many people loved Ronald Reagan that this gift would be perfect for anyone at any occasion.

There’s never enough candy for fat, diabetic slobs. But still: Perfect!

Other customers suggest the “Reagan Flavor Jelly Belly” tastes like urine and mothballs. [Jelly Belly via the sublime Juli Weiner]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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99 comments

      1. HELisforHEL

        Ah yes, the Awesome Reagan Years when poor people, brown people, union folks, women and children knew their place.
        What child wouldn't be super sharp at school without their daily Ketchup/Catsup vegetable intake?

  1. metamarcisf

    I'm timing a big bowel movement to coincide with the pre-game Super Bowl tribute to Reagan's 100th. Anyone care to join me?

      1. V572625694

        For shame: No one may be scoped on Holy Sunday, when Corporate America's favored ones watch brightly-dressed steroid-fueled mutants smash into one another in hopes of winning a trophy of immortal tastelessness.

        Besides, your gastroenterologist will probably be at the Big Game.

  2. SorosBot

    It's nice that Reagan's 100th birthday is coming up just as we get a good reminder of his legacy. In Egypt, Mubarak is sending out private thugs to beat protesters and try to goad them into violence, while accusing the protesters of violence and calling them thugs and criminals, pretty much just like what Gov. Reagan did with the California National Guard against civil rights protesters.

  3. walstib

    Senile old bastard… would like to dig him up and feed his corpse to some hyenas, jackals and gerbils.

    Yes, gerbils can be quite vicious if you raise them correctly.

  4. freakishlywrong

    Thanks to Ronnie's' economic polices, jelly beans are now our only form of currency. That, and magic gold coins that lose half their worth moments after purchase.

  5. PsycWench

    he liked to eat candy like a Spaniard while inventing more “trees cause pollution” or “welfare buys the Negro a Cadillac” bullshit to tell people on the teevee.
    Don't forget "Ketchup is a vegetable".

    1. CapeClod

      Or "Cut taxes on the rich and the money will trickle down to everyone else." We'll get that old axiom proved correct one of these days.

    2. DemmeFatale

      That's what I remembered, too!

      (I get a tingle up my leg when Ken is in razor-sharp, lacerating mode!)

  6. genxr

    Important to note when buying this wonderful gift. They do NOT take commemorative 9/11 coins as payment.

  7. SmutBoffin

    Now everyone else say something Ronald Reagan related that they are thankful for! I'll go first:

    "The Great Patriotic Invasion of Grenada taught the world to love again."

    1. friendlyskies

      Iran-Contra finally gave conspiracy theorists a snappy comeback to, "Why can't you just take off the tin-foil hat and trust the government?"

    2. HistoriCat

      Al "I'm in charge" Haig – although I guess that requires scoring an assist for Hinckley.

      Oh and how could I forget the fun times the Marines had in Beirut?

  8. baconzgood

    Any flavors sugestions from Wonkette members?

    Strong Arming Air Traffic Controllers Unions Then Having an Airport Named After You:
    Shit with Peanuts

  9. ifthethunderdontgetya

    Damn, this is going to be the worst zombie Reagan B-Day yet, isn't it?

    It's not just the speeches we'll get from teatards Bachmann, Palin, and Ryan, the entire Broder-Milbank-Gregory-gasbag set will be staging their little Ronnie orgasms.

    Ugh.
    ~

  10. charlesdegoal

    If it had only been for jelly beans, the damage would have been minor, but when you surround yourself with psychopaths, chances are you're not all right yourself. Don't forget Ollie North and whoever did what with assorted dictators in the name of democracy and free enterprise. More chicken still to come home to roost over time. Cry for those who have died through his fault..

    1. SorosBot

      Now, some Reagan officials claim it was not his fault; because the Alzheimer's had already progressed to the point that he had no clue what his staff was doing around him. Which really isn't any better.

  11. dr_giraud

    The disappointment of one gift-giver truly honored the Reagan spirit: "Unfortunately, he and my daughter opened the packaging before I could stop them." Stupid husband, selling the unopened Reagan Jelly Belly collectible on eBay was the daughter's college fund..

  12. Texan_Bulldog

    Why don't they just dig him up, enclose his corpse in a glass case & they can all go worship at the church of Ronnie. Seriously, they didn't like the guy this much when he was alive.

  13. YasserArraFeck

    "This segment of the Glenn Beck Show is sponsored by my friends at BeanLine. Jelly beans, the delicious hedge against the coming Muslopolypse"

  14. JustPixelz

    "…a great item to remember Reagan by."

    Not just "great" but possibly the only item a huge Reagan fan* will want to remember him by. The other aspects of Reagan's life/presidency are not as gratifying. Helping out the Islamic Republic of Iran (and thus the Taliban) with weapon deals. Helping legalize abortion as governor of California. Reinforcing family values by divorcing his first wife (although that seems kinda quaint compared to the current crop of Repubicans).

    Deficits. Raising taxes (yes! he raised 'em, the RINO) Unaware of AIDS until Rock Hudson(!) died. Movies as policy statements. Star Wars. Astrology.

    OMFG! Hand me some jelly beans — the barbiturate ones.
    __________________
    * if you're not a huge Reagan fan, just keep eating those high fructose corn syrup jelly beans.

  15. Oblios_Cap

    Ah, Ronnie. The prime architect of America's descent into darkness that began with his reign and has been accelerating downward ever since.

    Verily, he was an Exceptional American™.

    1. nappyduggs

      I thought that bean also, too, was the essence of urine and mothballs. Oh, and rotten mackerel. And pickle juice.

  16. OneYieldRegular

    I assume that when Sarah Palin is elected President we'll have to put up with eight years of Spudnutz all over the White House. Let Freedom Reag'n.

      1. Gleem_McShineys

        "As an Alaskan man, I'm a huge fan of the Forcible Fruit Punch flavored bean! Thanks Presnit Sarah!"

  17. V572625694

    Remember Saint Ronnie of Santa Barbara's funeral? It was like the sort of thing God would have had, if He could've afforded it. CNN was in full-on-drool mode, with obsequiousness at previously unimaginable levels.

    They didn't get that silly again until J2P2 croaked.

  18. AKbum

    I will spend Reagan's 100'th maxing my credit cards while stealing from poor women. Then, I'm going to let a loon out of an asylum. Later, I'll sell some blow and buy RPG's for terrorists & fund an illegal war in Central America. After blaming trees for pollution and figuring out that poor people WANT to be poor, I'll punch an air traffic controller and go senile. Sounds like a PAR-TAY!

    1. MrsBiggTime

      Pencil in some time for uncontrolled drooling, and mumbling "Mommy?" whenever that big black LPN comes to give you a spongebath.

  19. Steverino247

    Since somebody mentioned Grenada, here's the important figures:

    U.S. forces had sustained 19 killed and 116 wounded; Cuban forces sustained 25 killed, 59 wounded and 638 combatants captured. Grenadian forces casualties were 45 killed and 358 wounded; at least 24 civilians were killed.

    Some of our casualties were the result of mistaken air attacks. Swift move, Ex-lax.

    This means we're still paying for this little operation and will continue to do so until the last veteran receiving compensation or pension from the VA expires. Wars are very expensive, even splendid ones.

  20. SheriffRoscoe

    As a resident of the bankrupt community of Vallejo, I can easily drive down to the jelly bean place and ask one of the oompa-loompahs to give me a few boxes of Ronnie Raygun's jellybeans, so that my wonkett buddies can enjoy them anonymously. Feel free to contact me at Roscoe @gspot.com.

  21. PublicLuxury

    I wish I was a man. Then I wouldn't have to pee in a 'hat', dump it into a covered container and carry it to his grave, I could just open my fly and let fly.

    Oh well, if wishes were horses beggars would ride . . .

  22. donner_froh

    Yummy.

    I hope they include some of his favorites like "Guatemalan coffee bean drenched in blood; Nicaraguan banana dipped in human viscera; Lebanese pine nut covered with a thin coating of U.S. Marine brain matter; Afghan fig soaked in mujahideen spittle.

    Hope my order gets here in time for Valentine's Day.

  23. EatsBabyDingos

    I have a brass nameplate that says "REAGAN" that I Crazy Glued to the bottom of the interior of my toilet bowl. I figure since he crapped on me for 8 years I can crap on him for the rest of my life.

  24. SheriffRoscoe

    I'll nevar forgit the first time I bit into a Jelly Belly™ brand jelly bean. I said, "Oh my gosh, it's like I'm eating a real cataloupe."

  25. AKbum

    Let's see, the three favorite Baggin Reagan Lovin' juju beans flavors are "Freshly Killed Kitten," "Socialist Baby," and "The Blood of Single Mothers."

  26. DashboardBuddha

    Back in the day, I worked as a barista (aka, store clerk) when I was in college. We made a fucking FORTUNE selling Ronnie's brand of jelly bean. One of the store's policies was that we could drink as much coffee as we liked, plus, we could munch on the jelly beans as long as we only took a small scoop at a time. One day, I forgot my lunch. You know how if you drink something hot, you don't feel hungry for a while? So, I drank a little more coffee than usual, plus -what the hell- I munched on some jelly beans.

    By the end of my shift, I was leaving vapor trails.

  27. Extemporanus

    As a pubescent boy, I had the distinct honor of visiting both Jelly Belly factories (in Fairfield, CA and Pleasant Prairie, WI) while Ronaldus Magnus was president.

    I recall having to wear paper slippers and a shower cap while on the guided tours of their sad, sticky, anti-Wonka sweet shops, as if they were manufacturing candy computer chips or chewy newborns or something. They did give all of us kids souvenir cavity searches on our way out the door, though, which I thought was a nice touch.

    (Don't tell, but I smuggled out what I believe was a meth & semen-flavored bean in my left nostril, where it remains to this day, some twenty-odd years later.

    Suck it, Giptards!)

  28. MrsBiggTime

    and hey, what gives with excluding the Catsup-flavored jellybean?
    Next to Reagan, catsup is my favorite vegetable.

  29. DrunkIrishman

    The jelly beans even have Reagan-era names!

    Like Iran-Contrabelieve It's Not Butter, Granada Chocolata and his favorite – Jelly Bean Welfare Queen!

  30. user-of-owls

    And this, children, is why you should never offer a jelly bean to Nicaraguans, Salvadorans or Guatemalans.

  31. jim89048

    Fun fact: his favorite ones were the black ones, but Mommy had them removed before they went in the candy dish.

  32. chascates

    Great Thoughts of Ronald Reagan

    "A tree's a tree. How many more do you need to look at?"
    Ronald Reagan (Governor of California), quoted in the Sacramento Bee, opposing expansion of Redwood National Park, March 3, 1966

    "All the waste in a year from a nuclear power plant can be stored under a desk."
    Ronald Reagan (Republican candidate for president), quoted in the Burlington (Vermont) Free Press, February 15, 1980

    "It's silly talking about how many years we will have to spend in the jungles of Vietnam when we could pave the whole country and put parking stripes on it and still be home by Christmas."
    Ronald Reagan (candidate for Governor of California), interviewed in the Fresno Bee, October 10, 1965

    "The moral equal of our Founding Fathers."
    President Reagan, describing the Nicaraguan contras, March 1, 1985

    "Fascism was really the basis for the New Deal."
    Ronald Reagan, quoted in Time, May 17, 1976

    "A faceless mass, waiting for handouts."
    Ronald Reagan, 1965. (Reagan describing Medicaid recipients.)

    "Unemployment insurance is a pre-paid vacation for freeloaders."
    California Governor Ronald Reagan, in the Sacramento Bee, April 28, 1966

  33. OzoneTom

    Everybody may have a different metabolism. Like people with O+ blood are supposed to eat only protein and fat or anything else that gives PETA the vapours.

    Now if the average human lived off of HFCS Jelly Belly nodules, their kidneys, retinas and non-essential organs like limbs would soon pay the price, but apparently President Reagan's metabolism had no such problem. He only experienced a profound form of dementia that caused him to destroy his native country.

    Kind of like one of those fungus-ants.

    Of course if Hollywood scuttlebutt means anything, Nancy had her own diet and that seem to have worked out for her.

  34. Negropolis

    Me, myself; well, I'm still searching for the elusive, urban Welfare Cadillac Queen. Most of the welfare queens I know drive mid-90's model Tauruses, Cavaliers, and Impalas, and shop at the Family Dollar and Burlington Coat Factory (I love both of those places), and whose most fancy dinners involve a night out at the Red Lobster in the new, local "lifestyle center."

  35. ShaveTheWhales

    I was a California resident for the ass-end of Ronnie's role as Governor, and then was a US citizen some years later when he portrayed the President. I do realize that, in absolute terms, he was not as blatantly evil as Stalin or Hitler or even Idi Amin.

    But in terms of the United States — what an amazingly charismatic sock puppet. I detest him more than — well, anybody. I detest Reagan more than Jim Fucking Inhofe, and that is a lot of detestation.

    I worry quite a bit about President Obama's apparent acceptance of the idea that there was an actual "Reagan". Having been an adult at the time, I know that "Reagan" was simply a husk that charmingly spewed the bullshit that was stuffed into it by the weasels that ran it — many of whom are still with us, worse luck.

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