REAGAN DAY IS XMAS + HALLOWEEN FOREVER  12:23 pm February 4, 2011

For His Thousandth Birthday, Enjoy Ronald Reagan’s Every Flavor Beans!

by Ken Layne

Better than cigarettes, almost!One thing Ronald Reagan used to love was sucking on a little fruity jelly bean, back when he was president and sitting at his desk thinking about 1950s movies while a bunch of sociopaths running the White House actually began the “IslamoFascist Movement” by first employing Osama bin Laden against the Russians in Afghanistan and then giving a bunch of insane weapons to the Ayatollah’s Iran as a kind of bizarre ruin-the-world/money-laundering operation against the, uh, communists in Central America. Yes sir, Ronny loved these “Jelly Belly” concoctions. It was hard to keep that phony smile on his mean, rat face — especially without a cigarette always in his mouth, which is how he kept his rage in check during the seventy or so years before he somehow became president.

The Jelly Belly, as readers of the Harry Potter histories of England know, is a little candy that’s sort of like the crappy old “jelly bean” of yore (corn syrup, wax, probably toenails). But the Jelly Belly has many flavors, supposedly created with “real fruit or whatever,” such as “Buttered Popcorn” (which will make a child vomit; try it!) and “Wooden Dildo.”

Ronald Reagan, who made most of his pre-presidential money by selling cigarettes to children who just wanted to play Cowboys & Mexicans, decided to stop smoking at some point. This is a good move, health-wise! But a cigarette is a soothing thing to a weird villain who needs to keep a smile plastered over his pancake makeup, and something had to be found to replace the nicotine or at least the sensation of sucking at something, the way a flukeworm sucks at the insides of humans.

So, the legend goes, Reagan was on horseback (or helicopter) chasing some black people on welfare from Oakland to Sacramento, where they could be made an example of, when his jaw suddenly clenched nearly as tight as his spinchter due to not having his customary thirty cigarettes that morning because “Mommy” said it looked bad to smoke all the time like an Italian, and next thing you know he was smiling and nodding numbly again because he had crashed his horse/helicopter into the Jelly Belly factory way the hell out in the dirt-hills between Vallejo and Vacaville, and his mouth was filled with delicious Every Flavor Beans! And this is the main thing we heard about Reagan during his entire presidency, how he liked to eat candy like a Spaniard while inventing more “trees cause pollution” or “welfare buys the Negro a Cadillac” bullshit to tell people on the teevee.

Someone who purchased this gewgaw left an extremely Reagan-appropriate review on the Jelly Belly product page:

Comments about Jelly Belly The Ronald Reagan Centennial 50-Flavor Gift Box:

I bought this for my boyfriend for Valentine’s Day and because he’s a huge fan of Reagan. It came in a great commemorative box with what seems like a booklet enclosed. He hasn’t opened it yet, but it definitely seems like a great item to remember Reagan by.

Exactly. Don’t ever open that book! Facts are stupid things!

Comments about Jelly Belly The Ronald Reagan Centennial 50-Flavor Gift Box:

The only negative as mentioned was not enough candy, but that’s just because they’re aren’t ever enough jelly beans for me no matter how many I have. So many people loved Ronald Reagan that this gift would be perfect for anyone at any occasion.

There’s never enough candy for fat, diabetic slobs. But still: Perfect!

Other customers suggest the “Reagan Flavor Jelly Belly” tastes like urine and mothballs. [Jelly Belly via the sublime Juli Weiner]

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Hola wonkerados.

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DerrickWildcat February 4, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Except broccoli

capnhuggyface February 4, 2011 at 12:39 pm

the ketchup flavored count as a vegetable

WunkRocker February 4, 2011 at 12:58 pm

don't forget the Catsup/Ketchup/Also

HELisforHEL February 4, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Ah yes, the Awesome Reagan Years when poor people, brown people, union folks, women and children knew their place.
What child wouldn't be super sharp at school without their daily Ketchup/Catsup vegetable intake?

ManchuCandidate February 4, 2011 at 12:27 pm

I thought you meant Raygun commemorative anal beads.

MissTaken February 4, 2011 at 12:32 pm

That's what the Wooden Dildo flavor is for

nounverb911 February 4, 2011 at 12:27 pm

With all of his napping when did he have time to eat Jelly Beans?

Negropolis February 5, 2011 at 12:25 am

I hear they ran an IV line straight to his stomach filled nothing with liquified jelly beans.

Steverino247 February 4, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Every flavor? Good, send the shit-flavored ones to his son, Michael.

Lascauxcaveman February 4, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Ken is writing like he is on a sugar high this morning.

metamarcisf February 4, 2011 at 12:29 pm

I'm timing a big bowel movement to coincide with the pre-game Super Bowl tribute to Reagan's 100th. Anyone care to join me?

PsycWench February 4, 2011 at 12:31 pm

I tried to schedule a colonscopy for that day but the Sunday thing was a deal-breaker.

V572625694 February 4, 2011 at 12:50 pm

For shame: No one may be scoped on Holy Sunday, when Corporate America's favored ones watch brightly-dressed steroid-fueled mutants smash into one another in hopes of winning a trophy of immortal tastelessness.

Besides, your gastroenterologist will probably be at the Big Game.

SmutBoffin February 4, 2011 at 12:34 pm

21 flush salute


MoeDeLawn February 4, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Consider it dump. Er, done.

charlesdegoal February 4, 2011 at 12:50 pm


LetUsBray February 5, 2011 at 12:00 am

Got it: Big bowl of chili topped with velveeta for breakfast Sunday.

SorosBot February 4, 2011 at 12:30 pm

It's nice that Reagan's 100th birthday is coming up just as we get a good reminder of his legacy. In Egypt, Mubarak is sending out private thugs to beat protesters and try to goad them into violence, while accusing the protesters of violence and calling them thugs and criminals, pretty much just like what Gov. Reagan did with the California National Guard against civil rights protesters.

freakishlywrong February 4, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Ya gotta love the wingnuts ability here. They excel at polishing turds.

HELisforHEL February 4, 2011 at 1:08 pm

So well put. Many up-thumbs for you.

walstib February 4, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Senile old bastard… would like to dig him up and feed his corpse to some hyenas, jackals and gerbils.

Yes, gerbils can be quite vicious if you raise them correctly.

sweetcommunist February 4, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Yes, gerbils can be quite vicious if you raise them correctly.

With the tiniest of beatings.

freakishlywrong February 4, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Thanks to Ronnie's' economic polices, jelly beans are now our only form of currency. That, and magic gold coins that lose half their worth moments after purchase.

PsycWench February 4, 2011 at 12:30 pm

he liked to eat candy like a Spaniard while inventing more “trees cause pollution” or “welfare buys the Negro a Cadillac” bullshit to tell people on the teevee.
Don't forget "Ketchup is a vegetable".

CapeClod February 4, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Or "Cut taxes on the rich and the money will trickle down to everyone else." We'll get that old axiom proved correct one of these days.

DemmeFatale February 4, 2011 at 1:08 pm

That's what I remembered, too!

(I get a tingle up my leg when Ken is in razor-sharp, lacerating mode!)

YasserArraFeck February 4, 2011 at 12:30 pm

The only good "beaner" is a "jelly beaner"

nounverb911 February 4, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Didn't Reagan play Johnny Jellybean?

CrankyLttlCamperette February 4, 2011 at 12:31 pm

They can't be every flavor. The GOP isn't that inclusive…

genxr February 4, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Important to note when buying this wonderful gift. They do NOT take commemorative 9/11 coins as payment.

Weenus299 February 4, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Try as they might, Jelly Belly does not yet make Butt-Nugget flavored bean.

SmutBoffin February 4, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Now everyone else say something Ronald Reagan related that they are thankful for! I'll go first:

"The Great Patriotic Invasion of Grenada taught the world to love again."

friendlyskies February 4, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Iran-Contra finally gave conspiracy theorists a snappy comeback to, "Why can't you just take off the tin-foil hat and trust the government?"

SorosBot February 4, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Saying on live TV that you've just ordered the start of WWIII? Funny!

HistoriCat February 4, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Al "I'm in charge" Haig – although I guess that requires scoring an assist for Hinckley.

Oh and how could I forget the fun times the Marines had in Beirut?

LetUsBray February 5, 2011 at 12:03 am

A cake and a Bible proved to be the perfect gift to Iranians you're trying to impress.

baconzgood February 4, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Any flavors sugestions from Wonkette members?

Strong Arming Air Traffic Controllers Unions Then Having an Airport Named After You:
Shit with Peanuts

freakishlywrong February 4, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Bitter n' broke.

charlesdegoal February 4, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Phoney baloney.

SmutBoffin February 4, 2011 at 12:55 pm

The "community relations" flavor: tear gas and pepper spray

Nancy's favorite flavor: Sinatra

Lascauxcaveman February 4, 2011 at 1:00 pm


sweetcommunist February 4, 2011 at 1:38 pm

AIDS: Tastes like AIDS.

LetUsBray February 5, 2011 at 12:04 am

Contra Crack.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 4, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Damn, this is going to be the worst zombie Reagan B-Day yet, isn't it?

It's not just the speeches we'll get from teatards Bachmann, Palin, and Ryan, the entire Broder-Milbank-Gregory-gasbag set will be staging their little Ronnie orgasms.


mereoblivion February 4, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Drool go in, drool come out? No, I guess just Drool come out.

sweetcommunist February 4, 2011 at 1:40 pm

If only he had aspirated his spittle, we may not have had him as president for quite so many years.

hagajim February 4, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Ronnie Raygun sucked jelly beans because it's the only thing he could remember…senile bastard.

charlesdegoal February 4, 2011 at 12:38 pm

If it had only been for jelly beans, the damage would have been minor, but when you surround yourself with psychopaths, chances are you're not all right yourself. Don't forget Ollie North and whoever did what with assorted dictators in the name of democracy and free enterprise. More chicken still to come home to roost over time. Cry for those who have died through his fault..

SorosBot February 4, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Now, some Reagan officials claim it was not his fault; because the Alzheimer's had already progressed to the point that he had no clue what his staff was doing around him. Which really isn't any better.

elviouslyqueer February 4, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Better. The packaging includes a poster chock full of Ronnie's greatest inspirational quotes.

Clancy_Pants February 4, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Sadly the Jelly Bean Jones was likely a sign that he was down the Alzheimer's road much earlier in his political career.

LetUsBray February 5, 2011 at 12:05 am

The ol' dumbfuck was probably born with Alzheimer's.

Weenus299 February 4, 2011 at 12:42 pm

What is the flavor of republican delusion, anyway?

EatsBabyDingos February 4, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Sour grape.

Gleem_McShineys February 4, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Factory-farmed fear candy shell, with a disgusting pig flavored center, maybe?

sweetcommunist February 4, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Creamed corn.

dr_giraud February 4, 2011 at 12:42 pm

The disappointment of one gift-giver truly honored the Reagan spirit: "Unfortunately, he and my daughter opened the packaging before I could stop them." Stupid husband, selling the unopened Reagan Jelly Belly collectible on eBay was the daughter's college fund..

Texan_Bulldog February 4, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Why don't they just dig him up, enclose his corpse in a glass case & they can all go worship at the church of Ronnie. Seriously, they didn't like the guy this much when he was alive.

YasserArraFeck February 4, 2011 at 12:44 pm

"This segment of the Glenn Beck Show is sponsored by my friends at BeanLine. Jelly beans, the delicious hedge against the coming Muslopolypse"

JustPixelz February 4, 2011 at 12:44 pm

"…a great item to remember Reagan by."

Not just "great" but possibly the only item a huge Reagan fan* will want to remember him by. The other aspects of Reagan's life/presidency are not as gratifying. Helping out the Islamic Republic of Iran (and thus the Taliban) with weapon deals. Helping legalize abortion as governor of California. Reinforcing family values by divorcing his first wife (although that seems kinda quaint compared to the current crop of Repubicans).

Deficits. Raising taxes (yes! he raised 'em, the RINO) Unaware of AIDS until Rock Hudson(!) died. Movies as policy statements. Star Wars. Astrology.

OMFG! Hand me some jelly beans — the barbiturate ones.
* if you're not a huge Reagan fan, just keep eating those high fructose corn syrup jelly beans.

Oblios_Cap February 4, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Ah, Ronnie. The prime architect of America's descent into darkness that began with his reign and has been accelerating downward ever since.

Verily, he was an Exceptional American™.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 4, 2011 at 12:46 pm

You can write your own review!

I had one of those buttered popcorn flavored beans once. A thousand tooth brushings will not remove the flavor.

ShiftyParadigm February 4, 2011 at 12:47 pm

His favorite ones were the faded pink with flecks of gray "Mommy's Pussy" flavor.

nappyduggs February 4, 2011 at 1:05 pm

I thought that bean also, too, was the essence of urine and mothballs. Oh, and rotten mackerel. And pickle juice.

OneYieldRegular February 4, 2011 at 12:49 pm

I assume that when Sarah Palin is elected President we'll have to put up with eight years of Spudnutz all over the White House. Let Freedom Reag'n.

Weenus299 February 4, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Headless fresh-killed turkey flavored beans may have promise.

Gleem_McShineys February 4, 2011 at 1:36 pm

"As an Alaskan man, I'm a huge fan of the Forcible Fruit Punch flavored bean! Thanks Presnit Sarah!"

widestanceroman February 4, 2011 at 12:51 pm

I always eat the bootstrap flavor ones first.

V572625694 February 4, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Remember Saint Ronnie of Santa Barbara's funeral? It was like the sort of thing God would have had, if He could've afforded it. CNN was in full-on-drool mode, with obsequiousness at previously unimaginable levels.

They didn't get that silly again until J2P2 croaked.

AKbum February 4, 2011 at 12:55 pm

I will spend Reagan's 100'th maxing my credit cards while stealing from poor women. Then, I'm going to let a loon out of an asylum. Later, I'll sell some blow and buy RPG's for terrorists & fund an illegal war in Central America. After blaming trees for pollution and figuring out that poor people WANT to be poor, I'll punch an air traffic controller and go senile. Sounds like a PAR-TAY!

Lascauxcaveman February 4, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Pace yourself, it even took Reagan eight years to get all that done.

MrsBiggTime February 4, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Pencil in some time for uncontrolled drooling, and mumbling "Mommy?" whenever that big black LPN comes to give you a spongebath.

Steverino247 February 4, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Since somebody mentioned Grenada, here's the important figures:

U.S. forces had sustained 19 killed and 116 wounded; Cuban forces sustained 25 killed, 59 wounded and 638 combatants captured. Grenadian forces casualties were 45 killed and 358 wounded; at least 24 civilians were killed.

Some of our casualties were the result of mistaken air attacks. Swift move, Ex-lax.

This means we're still paying for this little operation and will continue to do so until the last veteran receiving compensation or pension from the VA expires. Wars are very expensive, even splendid ones.

freakishlywrong February 4, 2011 at 12:55 pm

The "Blacks" really gobbled up the Welfare Queen flavored jbeans.

SheriffRoscoe February 4, 2011 at 12:57 pm

As a resident of the bankrupt community of Vallejo, I can easily drive down to the jelly bean place and ask one of the oompa-loompahs to give me a few boxes of Ronnie Raygun's jellybeans, so that my wonkett buddies can enjoy them anonymously. Feel free to contact me at Roscoe

Ken Layne February 4, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Oh man, are you really in Vallejo? Forbes just named it America's Saddest City.

But, uh, maybe you have a Bay View?

SheriffRoscoe February 4, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Yeah well Forbes can come out here and suck our mayor's balls. You see, according to Mayor Davis, Vallejo is a city of God.

Chet Kincaid February 4, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Reagan's Birthday should be declared a National Day Of Cunnilingus, in which we commit ourselves to sucking on as many colors of jelly beans as possible.

PublicLuxury February 4, 2011 at 12:58 pm

I wish I was a man. Then I wouldn't have to pee in a 'hat', dump it into a covered container and carry it to his grave, I could just open my fly and let fly.

Oh well, if wishes were horses beggars would ride . . .

HELisforHEL February 4, 2011 at 1:14 pm

If I ever saw his grave I'd do the next best thing and spit on it, old Italian Grandma style.

donner_froh February 4, 2011 at 12:59 pm


I hope they include some of his favorites like "Guatemalan coffee bean drenched in blood; Nicaraguan banana dipped in human viscera; Lebanese pine nut covered with a thin coating of U.S. Marine brain matter; Afghan fig soaked in mujahideen spittle.

Hope my order gets here in time for Valentine's Day.

EatsBabyDingos February 4, 2011 at 1:01 pm

I have a brass nameplate that says "REAGAN" that I Crazy Glued to the bottom of the interior of my toilet bowl. I figure since he crapped on me for 8 years I can crap on him for the rest of my life.

SheriffRoscoe February 4, 2011 at 1:03 pm

I'll nevar forgit the first time I bit into a Jelly Belly™ brand jelly bean. I said, "Oh my gosh, it's like I'm eating a real cataloupe."

CapnFatback February 4, 2011 at 1:04 pm

"Mr Gorbachev, tear down my stomach lining!"

LiveToServeYa February 4, 2011 at 1:07 pm

I guess it's Bedtime for Beano.

AKbum February 4, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Let's see, the three favorite Baggin Reagan Lovin' juju beans flavors are "Freshly Killed Kitten," "Socialist Baby," and "The Blood of Single Mothers."

DashboardBuddha February 4, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Back in the day, I worked as a barista (aka, store clerk) when I was in college. We made a fucking FORTUNE selling Ronnie's brand of jelly bean. One of the store's policies was that we could drink as much coffee as we liked, plus, we could munch on the jelly beans as long as we only took a small scoop at a time. One day, I forgot my lunch. You know how if you drink something hot, you don't feel hungry for a while? So, I drank a little more coffee than usual, plus -what the hell- I munched on some jelly beans.

By the end of my shift, I was leaving vapor trails.

Extemporanus February 4, 2011 at 1:40 pm

As a pubescent boy, I had the distinct honor of visiting both Jelly Belly factories (in Fairfield, CA and Pleasant Prairie, WI) while Ronaldus Magnus was president.

I recall having to wear paper slippers and a shower cap while on the guided tours of their sad, sticky, anti-Wonka sweet shops, as if they were manufacturing candy computer chips or chewy newborns or something. They did give all of us kids souvenir cavity searches on our way out the door, though, which I thought was a nice touch.

(Don't tell, but I smuggled out what I believe was a meth & semen-flavored bean in my left nostril, where it remains to this day, some twenty-odd years later.

Suck it, Giptards!)

MrsBiggTime February 4, 2011 at 1:42 pm

and hey, what gives with excluding the Catsup-flavored jellybean?
Next to Reagan, catsup is my favorite vegetable.

Sassomatic February 4, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Come on! Reganomics works. The rich have been pissing on us for years, just like he said.

DrunkIrishman February 4, 2011 at 2:25 pm

The jelly beans even have Reagan-era names!

Like Iran-Contrabelieve It's Not Butter, Granada Chocolata and his favorite – Jelly Bean Welfare Queen!

user-of-owls February 4, 2011 at 2:59 pm

History's greatest monster didn't quit smoking, he just forgot where he put his smokes.

user-of-owls February 4, 2011 at 3:02 pm

And this, children, is why you should never offer a jelly bean to Nicaraguans, Salvadorans or Guatemalans.

jim89048 February 4, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Fun fact: his favorite ones were the black ones, but Mommy had them removed before they went in the candy dish.

chascates February 4, 2011 at 6:53 pm

Great Thoughts of Ronald Reagan

"A tree's a tree. How many more do you need to look at?"
Ronald Reagan (Governor of California), quoted in the Sacramento Bee, opposing expansion of Redwood National Park, March 3, 1966

"All the waste in a year from a nuclear power plant can be stored under a desk."
Ronald Reagan (Republican candidate for president), quoted in the Burlington (Vermont) Free Press, February 15, 1980

"It's silly talking about how many years we will have to spend in the jungles of Vietnam when we could pave the whole country and put parking stripes on it and still be home by Christmas."
Ronald Reagan (candidate for Governor of California), interviewed in the Fresno Bee, October 10, 1965

"The moral equal of our Founding Fathers."
President Reagan, describing the Nicaraguan contras, March 1, 1985

"Fascism was really the basis for the New Deal."
Ronald Reagan, quoted in Time, May 17, 1976

"A faceless mass, waiting for handouts."
Ronald Reagan, 1965. (Reagan describing Medicaid recipients.)

"Unemployment insurance is a pre-paid vacation for freeloaders."
California Governor Ronald Reagan, in the Sacramento Bee, April 28, 1966

mrblifil February 4, 2011 at 9:52 pm

Reagan sucked little fruity jelly beans? This must have been in the days before Rush needed Viagra.

OzoneTom February 4, 2011 at 11:04 pm

Everybody may have a different metabolism. Like people with O+ blood are supposed to eat only protein and fat or anything else that gives PETA the vapours.

Now if the average human lived off of HFCS Jelly Belly nodules, their kidneys, retinas and non-essential organs like limbs would soon pay the price, but apparently President Reagan's metabolism had no such problem. He only experienced a profound form of dementia that caused him to destroy his native country.

Kind of like one of those fungus-ants.

Of course if Hollywood scuttlebutt means anything, Nancy had her own diet and that seem to have worked out for her.

Negropolis February 5, 2011 at 12:22 am

Me, myself; well, I'm still searching for the elusive, urban Welfare Cadillac Queen. Most of the welfare queens I know drive mid-90's model Tauruses, Cavaliers, and Impalas, and shop at the Family Dollar and Burlington Coat Factory (I love both of those places), and whose most fancy dinners involve a night out at the Red Lobster in the new, local "lifestyle center."

ShaveTheWhales February 5, 2011 at 4:57 am

I was a California resident for the ass-end of Ronnie's role as Governor, and then was a US citizen some years later when he portrayed the President. I do realize that, in absolute terms, he was not as blatantly evil as Stalin or Hitler or even Idi Amin.

But in terms of the United States — what an amazingly charismatic sock puppet. I detest him more than — well, anybody. I detest Reagan more than Jim Fucking Inhofe, and that is a lot of detestation.

I worry quite a bit about President Obama's apparent acceptance of the idea that there was an actual "Reagan". Having been an adult at the time, I know that "Reagan" was simply a husk that charmingly spewed the bullshit that was stuffed into it by the weasels that ran it — many of whom are still with us, worse luck.

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