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U.S. Sends Egypt a Script For How This Will All Play Out

'I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. State Department.'For some reason (won the journalist street beatdown sweepstakes?), Christiane Amanpour scored an exclusive interview with Hosni Mubarak, and this is what she was told: “He told me that he is fed up with being president.” Fed up! You know, it was fun for thirty years, but he’s not just feeling it anymore for some reason, you know? These silly protestors shouldn’t have bothered being attacked by his thugs, because he was going to quit anyway. Meanwhile, the Obama administration is letting Egypt know they have a plan for everything. It would be nice if Egypt transitioned to democracy, but it would be nicer if they did it the way the U.S. wanted it to. It’s the American motto: “May God let us meddle in your affairs.”

Even as the Obama administration is coalescing around a Mubarak-must-go-now posture in private conversations with Egyptian officials, Mr. Mubarak himself remains determined to stay until the election in September, American and Egyptian officials said. His backers forcibly pushed back on Thursday against what they viewed as American interference in Egypt’s internal affairs.

“What they’re asking cannot be done,” one senior Egyptian official said, citing clauses in the Egyptian Constitution that bar the vice president from assuming power. Under the Constitution, the speaker of Parliament would succeed the president. “That’s my technical answer,” the official added. “My political answer is they should mind their own business.”

Now Egypt, be nice. America took the time to understand your cute little Constitution and look up your officials on Wikipedia, so the least you can do is do exactly what they want. The U.S. would like “dictate” things now! It’s making them horny. [ABC News/NYT]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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88 comments

  1. metamarcisf

    With all this turmoil in Egypt, why in the world is the Obama administration allowing Hosni Mubarek to not only attend the Super Bowl this weekend, but also to throw out the first bitch?

      1. iburl

        So, the rumors are true! He is going to duet on 'Don't let the sun go down on me' with Fergie! I don't think he'll sing on 'Walk like an Egyptian', just doin' the dance, I heard.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Hey, here's an idea: invite Mubarak to the SuperBowl, have a kick-ass afterparty at the white house, then while he's passed out, hide his shoes so he can't go back to Egypt and be dictator anymore.

      Transition solved!

    1. Ruhe

      Yes! China has all the money and the most citizens. Let them run things for a while and see how they like it. And while we're at it, let's get them over here and have them clean up all these houses they own. You know, do some renovations, a little paint, a little yard work. All these single family homes with "for rent" signs in my neighborhood are a damned eyesore and killing my property value. Lazy ass China…stop fucking with stealth bombers and thorium reactors and get all this shit fixed already! Jeez!

      1. OneDollarJuana

        Let's see how well their economy does when they have to "protect" all the countries we do. 'Bout fucking time we quit subsidizing the defense (or defence) of everyone else to our detriment.

        1. Mahousu

          Defense from what, exactly? By and large, we seem to be defending people from not having us drop bombs on them.

          It's sort of like a backwards protection racket – "do what I say, or else I won't break your fingers." Quite a surprise, that it doesn't seem to work out that well.

      2. SorosBot

        Hell, the Brits and French both seem a lot happier now that they're not stuck with the responsibility of running the world.

        1. Ruhe

          Guiding world events through the covert application of collar starch is indeed an ancient Chinese secret.

    2. HistoriCat

      As long US 'Merka still has veto power, right? Cause it's not like we want that Yellow Peril interfering with what we want to do.

    3. charlesdegoal

      We pick and choose as we please, boys
      Pick and choose as we please
      You'd best get down on your knees, boys
      Best get down on your knees
      We're hairy and horny and ready to shack
      And we don't care if you're yellow or black
      Just take off your clothes and lay down on your back
      'Cause we're the Cops of the World, boys
      We're the Cops of the World

  2. SorosBot

    But if Mubarak leaves right now, how can he oversee the elections to make sure they're rigged so that his handpicked successor "wins"?

  3. PublicLuxury

    What a bunch of whiners. "I don't want this dictator, I want that dictator." Don't they know all dictators are the same? It's exactly like Charmin versus generic version, they're the same. Egypt needs to move past the teenage years.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Show's how much you know. Charmin is way cushy and expensive. Generic is usually of much coarser texture and cheaper. However, just like dictators, both wind up pretty shitty in the end.

      1. Weenus299

        Mr. Whipple would beg to differ. Please, do NOT squeeze the Charmin. Maybe, when he said that, it was a cry out of loneliness. "Please, squeeze my ass instead," he wished to say.

        But he's dead now. Buried in his ultrasoft Charmin.

      2. YasserArraFeck

        Cheap bog roll – what we use to refer to as "John Wayne Toilet Paper" – rough, tough, and takes no shit

  4. Clancy_Pants

    Under the Constitution, the speaker of Parliament would succeed the president. “That’s my technical answer,” the official added. “My political answer is they should mind their own business.”….. "and my street answer is back the fuck off"

  5. Oblios_Cap

    I bet a lot of the GOP leadership admire the "Mubarak " leadership model.

    Is it just me, or did the counter-protestors on camel and horseback look suspiciously like the Gangaweed thugs used by Sudan to terrorize their opposition in the south of that country?

    1. Ducksworthy

      I thought you were going say "Didn't the counter-protestors on camel and horseback look suspiciously like the GOP thugs who perpetrated the Brooks Brothers Riot." (including John Roberts riding a donkey.)

    2. freakishlywrong

      Honestly. I instantly thought of the teahadists. Except for the all white and really old part.

      1. Swampgas_Man

        Swap the horses/camels for rascals and you've got something there. I'd actually enjoy seeing our baggers trying to protest on camel-back.

        1. MsQuasimodo

          Teabaggers couldn't ride the horses or camels – it takes actual physical strength and ability to do that.

    1. Ruhe

      The irony is that there are guys who could have been in the room when that crap was uttered (James Baker, I'm lookin' at you) whose opinions on how this should be handled by the administration are being taken seriously in the media. In other words, people who've spent the last 40 years not being able to get this shit right are offering their "expert" opinions on how to get this right and Matt Lauer is really interested.

      1. charlesdegoal

        A little like asking Robert Rubin, Lawrence Summers and Alan Greenspan about the economy. Clueless before, clueless now, yet still "experts."

  6. freakishlywrong

    “My political answer is they should mind their own business.”.

    Ten fucking Four, my Muslin Brotherhood, I could not agree more. By "helping", we end up "owning it" which means of course, "it's Obama's fault".

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      “My political answer is they should mind their own business.”

      And by 'minding our own business' you mean 'cut off my allowance,' right?

  7. EatsBabyDingos

    Maybe we need to sweeten the pot with, say, a walk-on spot on "Glee" and a guest shot on American Idol. He can sit next to J-Lo and terrorist fist-bump with Randy and Lil' Stevie.

  8. LiveToServeYa

    If Mubarak left now, Egyptian protesters would have to beat *themselves* on the head. Such chaos!

  9. MinAgain

    It’s the American motto: “May God let us meddle in your affairs.”

    I am reminded of that great quip, "Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup."

    1. Mumbletypeg

      All you zombies show your faces
      All you people in the streets
      Charlton Heston, reclaim high places:
      This piece is gonna fall on you!

  10. Ruhe

    While I admire the courage of those protesting for democracy I also pity them as they are caught in the thrilling naivete of the moment, believing that true democracy is just a few days away. Look around you folks. What the counter demonstrations have shown is that a significant portion of your fellow countrymen are a bunch of loutish, recidivist feudalists (or pharaoh-ists in this case) and they will, like the poor, always be with you. If you shared our political mythology they'd be calling themselves tea-baggers by now.

    1. Oblios_Cap

      The corrupt fuckers that have all the money have a lot to lose.

      Won't anybody think about the rich, whose God has obviously blessed because they are so superior to the majority who only exist to serve their betters?

    2. HuddledMass

      Oh, let them have their moment, a brief taste of hope, freedom and belief in themselves and their country — it will have to last them the whole rest of their lives.

      Sort of like the sixties for us Aged-Americans.

      1. Ruhe

        Yes, the icky truth of all patriotisms. You stand at a ball game and remove your hat while the anthem plays and you get a bit choked up every time as does the fellow next to you. You choke up because you still think that for the most part America is a place where everyone, even immigrants, has a chance. Your neighbor chokes up because he knows that in America he's free to carry a side arm to protect himself from Mexican Terror-Anchor-Babies.

      2. jim89048

        Reminds me of the times the so-called "hardhats" came to bust up our chifferobe love-ins. But they smoked camels instead of riding them.

  11. charlesdegoal

    One thing for Obama: he's doing regime change cheaper that Bush. Still, must make sure the opposition to Mubarack is real, not like the "opposition" to Saddam.

  12. metamarcisf

    I'd watch Foxnews if there was a chance to see Greta punched in the head by Soros-backed right-wing Egyptian fanatics.

  13. OneDollarJuana

    I've been watching Al Jazeera for days now and I haven't seen one mention of Charlie Sheen. Clearly they are so biased against America.

  14. Thurman Munster IV

    If Palin was prez, she'd br able to explain to Mubarak how to quit with dignity in the middle of his 6th term.

  15. Pragmatist2

    Well, by coincidence, I am fed up with NOT being President.
    Hosni, I sense a win-win here. Do you? Call me.

  16. CapeClod

    It sounds to me like Hosni is just about ready to turn that country around and go right back home if everybody doesn't settle down.

  17. Blendergoathead

    And just to *really* fuck with their minds, our first post-Hosni ambassador to Egypt will be John Bolton.

  18. Weenus299

    Nobody knows when to retire until they get creamed by blitzing linebackers and safeties. 30 NFL teams are available to help Hosni make the realization at this difficult moment.

  19. donner_froh

    “My political answer is they should mind their own business.”

    An alternate translation from the Arabic:
    If Obama and the State Department can counter my 400,000 man armed Central Security Force, the thousands of bloodthirsty civilian thugs that are deployed by the government and the state run Egyptian media we will talk. Otherwise GTFO.

  20. hagajim

    30 years in the same dead end job…shit I'd be tired of it to. But at least Hosni had more job security than any American.

  21. Moonbat

    "Meanwhile, the Obama administration is letting Egypt know they have a plan for everything. It would be nice if Egypt transitioned to democracy, but it would be nicer if they did it the way the U.S. wanted it to. It’s the American motto: “May God let us meddle in your affairs.” "

    Man, Team Obama can't win. First they keep out of it, and you guys bitch about Barry not doing enough to get rid of Mubarak, and then he tries to do just that, and you bitch about him meddling in Egyptian affairs. Make up your minds, Wonktards: what's Hopey supposed to do?

    1. doloras

      Stop funding Mubarak's regime, and then let the Egyptian people elect their own government. Yes, even if that government happens to feature the Muslin Brotherhood. Simples.

  22. fuflans

    this is off topic but a couple years back i saw some cleopatra exhibit (facts! science!) somewhere and they had the dress claudette colbert wore in that movie.

    it was the size of a doll's dress.

    we have become so much fatter and stupider. but you all already knew that…

  23. Numbat_Dundee

    And who is the preferred US candidate to manage the transition to "democracy"? Is it a revered elder statesman perhaps, a judge or a human rights expert, a politics professor…?
    No, its Omar Suleiman, the head of the secret police.
    This link is a good start to learn about his hands-on attitude to torture:
    http://www.homepagedaily.com/Pages/article7178-th

    Just a snippet:
    " Suleiman slapped Habib’s face so hard, the blindfold was dislodged, revealing the torturer’s identity. According to his memoir, Habib was repeatedly zapped with high-voltage electricity, immersed in water up to his nostrils, beaten, his fingers were broken and he was hung from metal hooks.
    He was again interrogated by Omar Suleiman. To loosen Habib’s tongue, Suleiman ordered a guard to murder a gruesomely shackled Turkistan prisoner in front of Habib – and he did, with a vicious karate kick."

    Having a torturer as Vice President. Who could imagine such a thing?

  24. ttommyunger

    Commerce has ground to a halt in Egypt since this trouble began. If the MegaCorps see losses continuing into the future, Hosni will be eased out. Don't expect a "Ghandi" to be in charge. The law of unintended consequences, and Murphy, rule.

  25. Negropolis

    To hell with parliamentary procedure. Your nation is on fire, and we fund the military that keeps your sorry-assed, now-illegitimate government in power. I hate to be "that guy", but the Egyptian government has lost whatever shred of legitimacy it had when it didn't put down the protest. So, yeah, in absence of a local government with any kind of credibility someone's got to lay out the new rules for a transition.

    Mubarak, you're through, son. You don't have the legitimacy to oversee a transition. Your own people have said, and now the world says it.

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