GOP: Cut Basic Human Services, Increase Funding For Pentagon

• Washington's decadent spending spree is over, motherfuckers! There's a new House Budget Committee Chairman in town, and his name is Paul Ryan. Maybe you've heard of him before, since he is the world's most famous money-saving wizard? (When cleaning his bunghole, Paul Ryan always uses both sides of a piece of toiler paper -- and if he doesn't have to wipe twice, he'll use the poop-less side to blow his nose. This is just one example of his incredible thriftiness, according to Wikipedia.) And here is more proof that Paul Ryan is magic: He believes the best way forward is to allocate an extra $8 billion to Homeland Security and the Pentagon, and then cut $40 billion from domestic agencies that waste valuable taxpayer dollars on transportation, housing, science programs, financial services and other things taxpayers are in constant need of. Haha, Paul Ryan just violently tongue-punched our collective fart box. [ WaPo ]

• Someone hijacked a Greyhound bus and took it for a burn cruise around North Carolina! And then this bus terrorist was tasered, probably brutally, by policemen. Speaking of which, remember when "a Greyhound Canada bus passenger repeatedly stabbed and then decapitated a young man who was sitting and sleeping beside him"? Oh, Greyhound. [ Baltimore Sun ]

• And here is today's most revelatory news article headline: "Census Finds Hurricane Katrina Left New Orleans Richer, Whiter, Emptier." The End. [ Bloomberg ]