February 3, 2011

Chuck Schumer Reconfigures the Branches of Government

by Jack Stuef 5:11 pm February 3, 2011

Yeah, that always made more sense. Recall those civics textbooks, folks. [YouTube]

100 comments 1191 Views

{ 100 comments }

PuckStopsHere February 3, 2011 at 5:15 pm

I'd like to be able to forget SCOTUS, too.

BarackMyWorld February 3, 2011 at 5:57 pm

SCOTUS? More like SCROTUS.

emmelemm February 3, 2011 at 6:29 pm: So easy, and yet – SO FUNNY.

Terry February 3, 2011 at 9:44 pm

It's Halliburton.

transfatz February 4, 2011 at 5:18 am

Disappearing is even better than under the bus.

MsQuasimodo February 7, 2011 at 12:46 am

(sorry 3 days late again, I will atone by upfisting everyone)
You don't go with the SCOTUS you wish you had, you go with the one you have.

SorosBot February 3, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Hey, he forgot one – the Vice Presidency, which according to Cheney is a mysterious fourth of government, bound by no rules.

the_problem_child February 3, 2011 at 8:16 pm

Really more of a tentacle of government, that one.

Negropolis February 4, 2011 at 3:52 am

Yes, the Vice Presidency is the New Fourth Estate, surely.

BarryOPotter February 4, 2011 at 8:12 am: Yeah, sure, why not, since the Old Fourth Estate has basically dropped the mic and walked off stage, pants hanging off its ass, Yankee's hat cocked to the side.

transfatz February 4, 2011 at 5:13 am

I thought it was The Citi, The Sachs and The AIG.

SexySmurf February 3, 2011 at 5:17 pm

I thought the third branch was Goldman Sachs?

smokefilledroommate February 3, 2011 at 5:23 pm: A real-life executive branch.
sqeptiq February 4, 2011 at 12:31 am: I think Goldman Sachs is more the roots than a branch.

bureaucrap February 3, 2011 at 5:17 pm

I thought the three branches were hughie, dewey and louie. Or snap, crackle and pop. Or Tic, Tac, Dough.

mereoblivion February 3, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Free Huey!

nounverb911 February 3, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Huey Lewis?

gef05 February 3, 2011 at 6:13 pm

That's all it took. Now I've got "It's hip to be square!" running through my head.

Fuck.

metamarcisf February 3, 2011 at 8:56 pm: Huey Newton, not Huey Lewis, dagnabbit. Now I've got the beach video for "If This is It" running through MY goddam head. And it's eighteen degrees below zero outside.

bflrtsplk February 4, 2011 at 4:36 am

Moe, Larry and Curly. That was too easy.

HedonismBot February 4, 2011 at 11:08 am

Doowee, Cheetum, and Howe.

baconzgood February 3, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Judisss-eee—aa-rr-i. Judgiceeee. Judi-eee-yyyy- FUCK IT! The robe wearing guys.

nounverb911 February 3, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Where do the teabaggers fit into this?

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 3, 2011 at 6:20 pm

The Fifth column.

smokefilledroommate February 3, 2011 at 6:52 pm: The Pork Estate.
Negropolis February 4, 2011 at 3:54 am: FTW!

Speaking columns, what's the fifth pillar of Islam?

metamarcisf February 3, 2011 at 8:57 pm

Not Craw. Craw!

BarryOPotter February 4, 2011 at 8:13 am

Trick question! Teabaggers don't "fit" into anything! *Rim shot*

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 3, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Well, I guess that solves the whole "activist judge" problem.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 3, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Somehow, I ended up on Harry Reid's email list years ago. I'd become quite disgusted over the years with his useless "oh we can't do anything because the Republicans won't lettuce" Act.

Yet I was very happy when Reid beat out teabagger Sharron Angle, mainly because god-damned motherfucking banker-whore egotistical-Likudnik shitbag Chuck Schumer didn't get to become Senate Majority Leader.
~

bureaucrap February 3, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Don't be shy; tell us how you really feel.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 3, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Believe it or not, I edited that comment extensively in order to better accommodate Wonkette's family audience.
~

BarryOPotter February 4, 2011 at 8:23 am: Oh how sweet! You thought of the childrenz (o' the Korn, i.e., the Wonkette Family Audience). I don't care what the others say, hate is a family value,it just depends on the family, duhinnit?

mereoblivion February 3, 2011 at 5:29 pm

But he's ruggedly handsome–wait, he's matinee-handsome–er, he's "that ultra-attractive Jewish-looking gentleman."

gef05 February 3, 2011 at 6:02 pm

I read that as "manatee handsome."

mereoblivion February 3, 2011 at 8:09 pm

That about sums up Mr. Thune, I reckon.

Negropolis February 4, 2011 at 3:57 am

He's Transylvania handsome, 'cause put a cape on that bitch, and hell if he don't look like a poor-man's, boot-legged Count Chocula if I ever saw one.

BarryOPotter February 4, 2011 at 8:24 am: …which would make him the one and true Count Chuckula…
/fixed

PublicLuxury February 3, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Maybe if I drank more alcohol I would understand American politics better.

Barbara_i February 3, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Yeah, if you drank night and day, you could even be Speaker of the House.

mereoblivion February 3, 2011 at 5:34 pm: And if you sang "Night And Day," you could even be Chairman of the Board.

lulzmonger February 3, 2011 at 11:23 pm

1. Chug 26er of Jack
2, Huff paint-chips
3. Smack head into brick wall
4. Get show on FOX NEWS
5. No ?????
6. PROFIT!

Negropolis February 4, 2011 at 3:59 am

If you're from Australia, you're already halfway there.

genxr February 3, 2011 at 5:26 pm

How could he forget the White House Law Department? He's luck Snowbilly McGrifterson isn't running the Senate right now.

elviouslyqueer February 3, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Hey, Schumer's omission is perfectly understandable. If I were snubbed by Snooki, I'd be perfectly verklempt too.

weejee February 3, 2011 at 5:52 pm: As long as his choked emotions doesn't lead to the scratching of his SCOTUS. The thing may be infected with scaliacoccus. Or is it scaliamacca, I forget.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 3, 2011 at 5:27 pm

All the house and senate morons should be forced to take the same test that immigrants must take to become citizens and then post the results.

emmelemm February 3, 2011 at 6:31 pm: Also, candidates for said offices. See: Christine O'Donnell.

"First Amendment, how does it work?"

baconzgood February 3, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Is it too obvious to point out that the House and Senate are part of the single Legislative Branch and that my 7 year old KNOWS this and is not a member of any body of government at any level?

BarackMyWorld February 3, 2011 at 5:58 pm: Yes.
Come here a minute February 3, 2011 at 6:16 pm: Ask that little brat again after his/her third Senate term!

Come here a minute February 3, 2011 at 5:29 pm

According to the knowledgeable operators of the DC Metro, the third branch is the Judishuarry, as in, "Next stop, Judishuarry Square." Chuck may even hear this announcement on the way to his office. Well, not really, but his staff probably does.

i_like_tigers February 3, 2011 at 5:30 pm

"Howse" isn't a branch of government, it's some sort of doctor show. On a related note, I once watched an entire episode (mostly) of Nip Tuck to gain access to this girl's mammary glands.

SayItWithWookies February 3, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Silly me — I thought the three branches were the Department of War, Jesus and the Chamber of Commerce.

BTWBFDIMHO February 3, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Win.

BarackMyWorld February 3, 2011 at 6:40 pm

I love that there used to be a Secretary of War, but no Secretaries of Famine, Pestilence, or Death.

ifthethunderdontgetya February 3, 2011 at 7:49 pm: The latter three were all consolidated into the State Department.

Plz see Secretary Hillary for your Famine, Pestilence, and Death requirements.
~

Negropolis February 4, 2011 at 4:00 am

I think they are calling it the Ministry of Love, now.

DoktorZoom February 3, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Mr. Palm, say hello to Mr. Forehead.

LionelHutzEsq February 3, 2011 at 5:34 pm

The real tragedy is that he forgot Glenn Beck's Socialist/Progressive/Muslim branch of government, which really controls everything.

PublicLuxury February 3, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Where does FOX NEWS fit in? Are they the SCOTUS?

JoshuaNorton February 3, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Eh, What's up Chuck? Upchuck. Get it?

Bite me.

BarryOPotter February 4, 2011 at 8:30 am: True story: there's a guy in my neighborhood named Chuck. Every time I see him, a wave and say "What's up, Chuck?" and laugh to myself. "Upchuck." Hee hee, I get it!

What? That's funny. Bite me after you're done chewing on JoshuaNorton's Scalial sac.

NewYorkJew February 3, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Doesn't this guarantee Schumer's being nominated to the Supreme Court?

fuflans February 3, 2011 at 5:54 pm

three buck chuck.

Toomush_Infer February 3, 2011 at 6:18 pm

There's too many branches…he's just undertaking some judicious pruning…

Beanball February 3, 2011 at 6:19 pm

This man graduated from Harvard.

Yikes.

BTWBFDIMHO February 3, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Hardbar?

BarryOPotter February 4, 2011 at 8:32 am: Is that a grad school?

DustBowlBlues February 3, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Who cares about this guy? My pretend girlfriend (if I were gay. But I'm not gay) Christiane Amanpour is on the teevee.

She is so epically cool.

BarryOPotter February 4, 2011 at 8:33 am: She looked seriously jazzed to be back overseas, in the thick of the fan-hitting shit. I'm happy for her, being able to do what she loves must feel good, if it doesn't outright rock.

glamourdammerung February 3, 2011 at 6:39 pm

And that is the difference between people and teabaggers. Teabaggers would defend this clown as one of theirs and whine about the "lamestream media" picking on them.

Angry_Marmot February 4, 2011 at 5:47 am: That, and being tested by the box of pain.

OneYieldRegular February 3, 2011 at 6:41 pm

o/~"House, Senate, and Pres-i-dent, a super three…"

AZ_Transplant February 3, 2011 at 6:50 pm

Why should he remember the Judicial Branch? It's not like he's on the Senate Judiciary Committee or anything… oh wait, yes, he is.

Come here a minute February 3, 2011 at 7:19 pm

There is only one word to describe what this Wonkette post says to Chuck Schumer. Hiybbprqag!

jim89048 February 3, 2011 at 9:02 pm: Bing!

nounverb911 February 3, 2011 at 7:20 pm

and Harvard.

transfatz February 4, 2011 at 5:22 am: So there's hope for Sarah yet?

Extemporanus February 3, 2011 at 7:30 pm

BRANCH 1: Elected Underpants

BRANCH 2: ?

BRANCH 3: President!

assistantatlas February 3, 2011 at 7:46 pm

I totally don't blame Snooki for ignoring him now. LAMERS, Chuck! Who, like, doesn't remember that the three branches of government are, like, the executive, legislative and judiciative? Srsly, Chuck. Totes lamers.

EatsBabyDingos February 3, 2011 at 8:03 pm

I am surprised, as "Schumer" is an anagram for that ancient legal precept "Res Chum. " or, literally, "the thing is made of chum." Like the Senate, a bucket of useful fish guts.

HistoriCat February 3, 2011 at 9:22 pm: Except that a bucket of fish guts actually is useful.

problemwithcaring February 3, 2011 at 8:19 pm

Another graduate of the the Antonin Scalia School of Constitutional Studies?

mumbly_joe February 3, 2011 at 8:54 pm

In other news, Rick "Santorum" Santorum also aspires to reconfigure the branches of government, presumably because he has apparently zero understanding of how the judicial branches work, how they're structured, whether or not appointees to federal bench can be fired, the relative sizes of the appellate Circuits, what powers the executive actually has, etc, or else because he's not willing to let a little bit of knowledge stand in the way of a good panderin'.

Or, and most likely, both.

Well, at least he's clear that we're at War with Muslims, because they believe in a different god than us. Man, who wouldn't want this guy in charge of most of the nuclear bombs in the world?

metamarcisf February 3, 2011 at 8:59 pm

That's right, kids. The three branches of government are the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. Now, can I get back to work?

AddHomonym February 3, 2011 at 9:10 pm

This is a blood libel, an Armenian genocide and two rapes of Nanking against Chuck Schumer.

mrblifil February 3, 2011 at 9:29 pm

Actually, "branches" is an outmoded metaphor in our modern age. Instead I like to think out government consists of a banana and two plums.

ttommyunger February 3, 2011 at 9:55 pm

HAHAHAHAHA! Who knew Woody Allen had an Uncle in Stand-Up? Hilarious! What? He wasn't doing a comedy routine? He was serious? We are soooo fucked.

WhatTheHeck February 3, 2011 at 11:07 pm

Branches? Branches? We don't need no stinkin branches… if this was a dictatorship.

Slim_Pickins February 3, 2011 at 11:09 pm

Maybe they should have read the Consti2tion aloud in the senate, too. Not that anyone would have been around to hear it.

SayItWithWookies February 3, 2011 at 11:39 pm

O/T but the Egypt situation has gotten so bad that Nightline is now forced to cover it, pre-empting their coverage of the difficulties of the rich. In fact, Christiane Amanpour is introducing her interview with Mubarak right now.

SayItWithWookies February 3, 2011 at 11:54 pm: Correction: the interview is with new Egyptian VP Omar Suleiman. Amanpour had spoken to Mubarak but their conversation wasn't televised.

Negropolis February 4, 2011 at 4:01 am