NATIONAL ENQUIRER SHOCKER: Enquirer Thinks Boehner Is 'Handsome'

Someone is still trying to create a John Boehner affair rumor. This began in September, you will remember, when the New York Post cited some DailyKos person saying such a rumor existed as evidence that such a rumor existed. The Post said the Times was working on an "expose" of this affair, and was "looking for the right time to drop the story in October to sway the election." Apparently they never discovered this elusive "right time," because such a story was never printed, and now the Post has, as we predicted, completely shut down forever out of sheer embarrassment that they printed something that was incorrect. Which brings us to the National Enquirer , which now says Boehner has had  two affairs. But here's the big shocker: It refers to Boehner as "the ruggedly handsome congressman." Gross.

But The ENQUIRER learned that [his wife] was nowhere to be seen when the ruggedly handsome congressman attended a casino party at the home of a D.C. lobbyist in August 1997 - and reportedly hooked up with pretty congressional press secretary

Haha, a 1997 casino party full of lobbyists. Of course Boehner was there, doing the Macarena every time he won a game of craps. But who on Earth who want to "hook up" with John Boehner? He's a member of an orange species not of this planet. And that sort of thing is bestiality/something found in the most important cinematic marvel of all time, Avatar . Okay, maybe Americans do all want to have sex with aliens. [ National Enquirer ]