Someone is still trying to create a John Boehner affair rumor. This began in September, you will remember, when the New York Post cited some DailyKos person saying such a rumor existed as evidence that such a rumor existed. The Post said the Times was working on an “expose” of this affair, and was “looking for the right time to drop the story in October to sway the election.” Apparently they never discovered this elusive “right time,” because such a story was never printed, and now the Post has, as we predicted, completely shut down forever out of sheer embarrassment that they printed something that was incorrect. Which brings us to the National Enquirer, which now says Boehner has had two affairs. But here’s the big shocker: It refers to Boehner as “the ruggedly handsome congressman.” Gross.
But The ENQUIRER learned that [his wife] was nowhere to be seen when the ruggedly handsome congressman attended a casino party at the home of a D.C. lobbyist in August 1997 – and reportedly hooked up with pretty congressional press secretary
Haha, a 1997 casino party full of lobbyists. Of course Boehner was there, doing the Macarena every time he won a game of craps. But who on Earth who want to “hook up” with John Boehner? He’s a member of an orange species not of this planet. And that sort of thing is bestiality/something found in the most important cinematic marvel of all time, Avatar. Okay, maybe Americans do all want to have sex with aliens. [National Enquirer]
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He's manthrax, pure and simple. Ladies?
well, he sure gets my gag reflex going, if you like that sort of thing.
I love separated-at-birth pictures.
Hey, some women are into the tentacle thing.
Boner's pickup line: "Do you have any Orange in you?"
Expected response: "No"
"Would you like to?"
"Orange you glad I said banana? Speaking of bananas … "
That's about as subtle as a cold sore on the lips of a hooker.
…and now the Post has, as we predicted, completely shut down forever out of sheer embarrassment that they printed something that was incorrect.
I don't think stand-up is right for you Jack. Have you checked out improv?
~
http://instantrimshot.com/
“the ruggedly handsome congressman.”
I believe this might've been editorial error judging by a different article that referred to George Clooney as "the disingenuous K-Street-owned actor…"
I find it hard to believe Boehner has affairs, because he's always too drunk to get it up, 24 hours a day.
And you know this how??
They told him he was a stone hard stud, and he believed them. That's why it worked so well.
This isn't something that's common knowledge about Boner; at least I've never heard of it. But if it's true, I wouldn't mind hearing more.
Yeah it's one of those subjects I just try to avoid…Kirsten Gillebrand though….that's another matter; at least she's female, not orange, is human…doesn't cry everywhere she goes and is nice to look at…amiright?
Boehner! With women?
It was non-consensual but not forcible.
Pretty Congressional Press Secretary just wouldn't take NO!* for an answer.
*cf. Boner's Obamacare tirade.
Boehner can't control his boner.
and reportedly hooked up with pretty congressional press secretary
Hey, was there a name there or what? Tease.
Man oh man, something tells me this story could only get better if it was Tammy Faye Baker he was porkin.' At least that would explain her tears.
And his
And that BatBoy is so cute. Is perhaps the weeping a sign of untreated virulent Lobbyist Clap? That clap can make a grown man cry.
His burnt umber hue makes me feel funny in my swimsuit area.
They failed to mention whether he cried before, during, and/or after the sex. I'm guessing it was all three.
Nothing turns us ladies on like orange weepy idiots.
His tears taste like Tang.
Probably more like cigarette smoke and Jack Daniels. With a bouquet of Old Spice or something equally repulsive. Eeeeewwwww!
If by "on", you mean "into celibate cat owners."
So that's what I've been doing wrong? Thanks for the heads-up!
Oh, thank goodness. That means there's still hope for me.
pretty congressional press secretary
of course this means a guy in drag
Hell, if they're calling Mr. Tangerine Man handsome, then it probably was Ari Fleischer with his bald spot painted blonde.
I know all about this guy's shack up style, because my ex mother-in-law used to do the same thing with this married guy twice a month. They go out and buy two half gallon bottles of Smirnoff and lock themselves away in a motel room from Friday night until the end of Sunday brunch at the golf club.
This, this is the perfect weekend, you are describing.
Yeah, well I'm more of a drug guy. With alcohol, especially in ridiculous amounts, there's a big danger of me barfing in my shack up partner's pussy, which isn't a very nice thing to do at all. Even if they say they forgive you, they don't mean it.
Oh hey, I just assumed one could substitute the drug of choice, alkyhol would not be my fave, either.
Perfect except for the golf part.
Round up the usual suspects. And yes, that includes you, Dana Perino.
I heard they had a three way with Nancy Pfotenhauer.
Yes I was thinking Perino too…pretty, dumb and for some reason finds Republican men sexually attractive. If not her then a reasonable facsimile who's willing to overlook rampant alcoholism and random outbursts of tears at the cheeziest sentimental gesture. Of course the wild card in this roundup would be Alaska's number 1 Snowbilly; especially since Tawd now has "I love hookers" stenciled on his bicep.
Bryan Ferry?
Leave Boner alone!
He's a good Christian family man. They NEVER have affairs with hookers or lobbyists (same thing ? ).
Hookers have more integrity.
Proof of liberal media bias can be found by comparing and contrasting coverage of John Boehner and Edwin Muskie. That is all.
No, it's just that mean, stupid men are allowed to cry, since they don't go around wearing their basic humanity on their sleeves. It's an only-Nixon-can-go-to-China sorta thing.
You: Powerful but labile man who tastes like an ashtray – skin preferably Pantone 1235 EC.
Me: Washington supernumary with neither taste nor shame.
Objective: Enquirer cover, individual book deals.
LOLZ! I had to google Pantone 1235 EC.
Spelling optional.
Boner is "shower nosel masterbation material for a week" at best. When he's not at organge alert.
Boehner Jams '97.
These rumors can only help Johnny Boner's image. In this case, that he is capable of something resembling intimacy and can achieve something resembling arousal.
The fulll quote is as follows:
"But here’s the big shocker: It refers to Boehner being pursued relentlessly by a celebrity at the K Street drunk fest. "He's such a ruggedly handsome congressman, ” said Elmo. "He could tickle me all night."
Ruggedly Handsome? No. Bartender handsome? Yyyyyeah. I'll give him that. Then again, bartenders usually serve drinks. They don't get sauced themselves. The good ones, anyway.
Bartender in daylight = Boehner handsome
Unfair, sir! Why I'll have you know that Definition #1, in the dictionaries, of "rugged" is,
So there.
Boehner Boehner Boehner can't you see.
Sometimes your tears just hypnotize me.
And I just love your orangey ways.
Guess that's why they broke, and you're so paid…
I think we can correctly assume that he cries "afterwards." Now to remove that disturbing image from my mind.
Shower-nozzle? Get out of town, I don't get it, is shower-nozzle fap material different from manual or dildonic fap material? You gotta give some context here, I am dying to know what this means.
Sort of has to do with letting the water hit us where the good lord split us special.
See also: Jill-Jet
Oh, I know, hot tub jets work even better, of course you know that, but I meant this to be a reply to macvalentine up there, who said Boehner was "shower-nozzle masturbation material, at best." Does this mean that you use the shower nozzle while thinking of blah, old, orange guys, that you save hot guy fantasies for other fapping methods? Is it that the shower-nozzle is itself just not special, being something right there every morning, kinda mundane, so it doesn't much matter who your thinking of? I need to know these things, I've always had this unquenchable thirst for knowledge.
Tim Allen, on Home Improvement, showing his wife the newly installed jacuzzi tub:
It has three settings. Low, medium and who needs a man?
Also works as a Jack-Jet, so long as the water pressure isn't set on "castrate."
At the age of 12, while swimming in the tiny little indoor pool in my apartment complex with two older girls (14) who were neighbors, I discovered this property of the jets, though all I knew, was that they made my lap-area very pleasantly tingly. What happened next, is simply the most amazing thing. One of the girls observed my behavior, I didn't even realize I should have been embarrassed, I just said "this feels good," so she gave it a try, and next thing I knew, both of them were laying on their backs in the water with their legs over the side of the pool, and they were like stuck there, they didn't give it up for a long time, they fell in love with those jets. It was a waste, alas, I was so young, I was just upset that the marco-polo game was delayed. Youth is wasted on the young.
Thank you, thank you! Can someone get me a cigarette now?
Oh, Prommie, you do come through so marvelously, sometimes…..thanks….
In the venerable words of Paris Hilton: That's Hot.
If "Jill-Jet" is seriously the funniest thing I've heard all day, for some reason, does it mean I had a bad day? Constantly looking for new metrics here…
Norv Turner might be described as "ruggedly handsome". Might be a stretch for Manuel Noriega, but whenever I hear the qualifier "rugged", I think of bad complexion. Shorter: "ruggedly handsome" means not really.
Norv is acneous handsome.
"ruggedly handsome"= Leathery face
Ruggedly handsome is a man who is definitely not fine featured, is hirsute and possibly swarthy. Think Javier Bardem. I know I am. Hello shower nozzle!
Ruggedly handsome = perpetual 5-o'clock shadow. At least, that's how I always understood it. Oh, and maybe some thick face creases.
There's a reason why Orangina is always hanging out with Bitch McConnell. Hell, even Ron Jeremy looks hot next to the Turtle.
But who on Earth who want to hook up with John Boehner?
Tina Tropicana? Nicole Nicorette? Melanie Melanoma?
Carmen Miranda.
/Ok, ok. Usually it was bananas. So sue me.
Trixie Thunderpussy. Wait, no. Sofonda Penis.
Eileen Dover?
Now, now. No need for the snark. I don't care who the women were, anyway. I just hope their companies got multi-million dollar contracts afterward. What else could make it worth getting that close to Boner?
No need for the snark? Good god, look where we are!
If I make up an emoticon for sarcasm will you feel better? Because that's what was missing.
Dude, an emoticon for sarcasm would be the most awesome thing EVER!
Head line:
Boehner Boned Her.
Who says newspapers can't be fun? Oh, wait, the people who run them.
Look for the press secretary with the orange juice money shot.
In her closet, find a blue dress with what appears to be cheeto stains
Duh. Of course he likes Tang.
This post is giving me a Boehner. Someone had to say it.
As was pointed out by flownover, Boner's chain smoker breath is so bad I can smell it coming out of my television screen. His hair is greased down and his disgusting orange skin is always looks oily, made moreso by the contrast with the blue eyes that are supposed to be the cute part of this creep.
I cannot see him on the teevee or in pictures without wondering where his polyester leisure suit (in baby blue, to match those peepers) and gold chains are. He is every grotesque lounge lizard in every grotesque disco the grotesque 70s every produced. And I know because I was there.
I think I saw you in Georgetown one night! Seriously, you've got him nailed!
And trying to cover up the smell with English Leather.
Studio Icky-4?
He's ruggedly handsome and he lives in a renovator's dream. His wife has a certain charm and his dog, when it goes for your throat, means well.
Boner's more in need of a C-Street facial.
Boehner pickup line:
Orange you about ready for some smoky dick?
- or –
(tearing up) "Orange you gonna let me take you home?"
The National Enquirer would improve its journalistic integrity by simply reducing the use of exclamation points. News is like Craigslist ads, the more "!!!" I see, the more I think the chick has a dick.
After it was over he probally tried to repeal her orgasim.
(Just kidding he could never make anyone orgasim.)
I guess this is why they tried to change the definition rape.
Just giving away orgasms is SOSHULLIZUM!!! I hope he fulfilled his contractual obligations regarding the intensity and duration of the act and was compensated at the market rate.
"Ooh baby, I just crymaxed"
You know what they say…
Once you go Omicron Persei 8 you never go back.
He's Oompa Loompa Jersey Shore hot.
didn't the national enquirer also call bristol a 'dancer'?
For the Boehner orangecreature, I recommend interspecies sex. The turtle McConnell is available for his sexytime delight.
My work computer only allows me three clicks a day to unwork -related sites.
Thanks be to Jeebus that the unemployment office doesn't give a fuck what I do online.
Yeah and if you get really hard up your local commie state university has computers and some even have laptops for checkout so you can surf porn in your own private space away from prying eyes or revulsion, what is it with coeds and another womans tits on your screen, I mean you all have them…or (ahem) so I've been told about the laptops and porn surfing…hey look, a shiny object!
I find him no less undo-able than Edwards, it's just that Edwards was lucky enough not to be born in a lake of bar vomit and suckled on cigarette butts and ignored until he figured out giving hand jobs to the regulars would get him his own bottle and smokes. Candy-ass Edwards thought sawdust lung pies were rough, but he had nothing to cry about by comparison.
It wasn't an affair, you guys, it was just an orange crush.
So there was an absence of cream (soda)?
♪♫ Follow me, don't follow me
I've got my spine, I've got my orange crush
Collar me, don't collar me
I've got my spine, I've got my orange crush
We are agents of the free
I've had my fun and now it's time to
Serve your conscience overseas
(Over me, not over me)
Comin' in fast, over me
High on the booze
In a tent
Paved with blood
Nine-inch howl
Brave the night
Chopper comin' in, you hope… ♪♫
There is no way that this is true. John Boehner is still deeply, passionately in love with himself. He would never cheat on him.
For the orangecreature Boehner, I recommend the pleasures of interspecies coupling. The turtle McConnell is available for his sexytime delight. Plus, if Boehner broke Mitch and his human wife up, he'd free her from committing the revolting crime of bestiality.
Mitch and his human wife…
Mitch's wife, Elaine Chao?
Shirley you jest!
~
Is anyone else just really surprised that he's not accused of porking a dude? That's the real shocker, methinks…
Fer sher. One look at his golf attire screams deep background debriefings by cabana boys.
John Thune: "matinee-handsome South Dakotan"
John Boehner: "ruggedly handsome Congressman"
Are we trending dangerously close to a "meme"?
ruggedly handsome Congressman
Mitch McConnell: "ruggedly handsome gay Senator Closet-Turtle"
~
Obama: "darkly handsome" lyin' African?
You realize that the Enquirer has a fact-checking department that's bigger than the entire New York Times reporting staff? Not to mention an army of libel lawyers.
Probably something to this rumor of rumors.
Rugged? More like rug burn.
I thought he drank too much to mess with the ladies successfully?
Maybe that was Newt.
Boehner drinks too much to mess with Newt successfully? (In order not to become addicted for life to anti-nausea drugs, I'm prayin' the answer is Yes.)
Boehner might try to fake interest just to be one of the boys, but we all know about his first, and last, love: MONEY! Plain and simple. Boner and Mitch McTurtlehead and their ilk are only turned on by money and what they think is power. Don't believe me? Ask Mitch's hot asian beard of a wife. He never touches her. That's part of the deal-e-o.
They called Kelsey Grammer and Simon Cowell "handsome," too. Enquirer's benchmark for "pretty" or "handsome" is anyone marginally more attractive than their average reader. This also explains the use of the term "sexy" when applied to Sarah Palin.
Sorry, but "ruggedly handsome" and "cries like a little bitch" don't fit into the accepted GOP character profile.
Fail.
Sluts Are Us supplied the 'press secretaries' for the event.
…Boehner has had two affairs…
A high-powered congresscreature who's only had two affairs? I guess even DC has a limited number of people who responds to "Orange Julius"-themed Craigslist ads.
Boehner is handsome in the same way a Clementine is plump and juicy in late February.
You mean he now has brown soggy spots. Its sweet right next to the rot.
As Supreme Shaman of the Spray-On tribe, Boehner is above your petty paleskin ethics & morals.
WHITE WONKETTE SPEAK WITH FORKED (& PIERCED) TONGUE!
You can't have a rape without a Boehner.
ME. I totally would.
shameless plug: http://www.boehnerpatrol.com
it IS gross. and I totally would. http://boehnerpatrol.com/2011/01/06/creature-of-t...
pfft…. roadside sail cats are "ruggedly handsome"…
Good god, can you imagine the CRYING that would ensue when/if Boehner gets caught in some (probably gay) affair? I'm imagining rain ponchos for the front three rows at the press conference, like at Sea World.
Don't forget to check out the links below the original Enquirer story, including this one: http://www.nationalenquirer.com/sarah_bristol_pal...
1997, you say? So, another GOP vote to impeach who was stepping out on his own wife.
Thank you, I was afraid it was perhaps, too much. . . . information
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