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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barbara_i

    What cheap ass "Baby Maybe" generic rubbers is he buying? Julian, pay full price so that you won't have your wiki leak.

  • Come here a minute

    Hmmm…that page is missing from my Ikea catalog.

  • SmutBoffin

    Will the condom take the stand and point at the defendant?

    • mereoblivion

      Only if they can make the evidence stand up in court.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    When will the condom be given a deal as a FOX News contributor?

    • metamarcisf

      That slot is already filled.

      • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

        How dare you call Gretchen Carlson a slot!
        ~

      • LionelHutzEsq

        That's what it said!

        • metamarcisf

          That's what she said.

  • arcane_allusion

    Jack, are you suggesting that if we cut Julian's thing just right, it will grow another head?

    Of course nobody in the class will be able to do this and instead it will just die.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Wow, dude's condom broke?

    Which bastion of liberty should the CIA kidnapping squad send him to, to be tortured for the rest of his life?

    For Freedoms™!!!!!!
    ~

    • horsedreamer_1

      He's Australian, so maybe Malaysia or Indonesia or Singapore. Somewhere close to home.

  • SexySmurf

    If it does not fit you must acquit.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      That b*tch deserved it.

    • murkwski

      came looking for this. Carry on the good work.

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    I can't wait until we get to the part of the trial were they let the jury pass the evidence around amongst themselves. I hope they don't spoil my fun by just passing around these pictures of the damn thing. They should pass the real thing around.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    The real crime here is the use of the metric system.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Another thing, as with the 67000, yearly, for landscaping (that is breaking America's budget), for which to blame James "Earl" Carter.

  • edgydrifter

    Bad news for Bristol–the condom was just offered a morning radio gig in Arizona. That's going to be stiff competition for her.

    • transfatz

      Bristol Palin/Broken Condom 2012

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    The top picture looks like a grinning whale.

    • BornInATrailer
    • elviouslyqueer

      The bottom one looks like Mother Teresa. Take that, Catholic Church!

      • AtwatersGhost

        nah, the bottom one looks like the crying Drama mask

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Grad +2. Story of my life.

  • Schmannnity

    Assange is no Magnum man.

    • SmutBoffin

      How can you tell? The damn ruler is in centimeters! WTF is that!?

    • MistaEko

      Julian would like to remind everyone that HE WAS IN THE POOL!

  • ttommyunger

    And we need to see this because……

    • tcaalaw

      The truth just wants to be free, man!

      • ttommyunger

        The truth doesn't wear rubbers, it rides bareback like the reckless rebel it is: Tally Ho, Motherfucker! ;)

  • edgydrifter

    Sakkunnigutlatande: worst safe word ever.

    • transfatz

      Gröna ballonger, gröna ballonger!

  • Hatrabbit

    Was this photo taken before, or after, the Pentagon had the condom renditioned to Egypt?

  • axmxz

    Few people know that "Wikileaks" is actually just the description of Assange's performance in bed: quick and drippy.

    • PsycWench

      Isn't that a symptom?

  • axmxz

    For the metrically challenged, 9 centimeters = 3.54330709 inches. Explains a lot.

    • BornInATrailer

      Oh thank goodness. I was just going to ask someone to convert it for me so I'd know which way to comment.

    • transfatz

      "Sex by surprise" must mean surprised he could have sex with that.

  • BornInATrailer

    Picture of a broken condom. God, it's just like the baby book my mother made.

  • DashboardBuddha

    From the Gawker article:

    "small scratches were observed in a few areas close to the split edge." However, the damage showed "no trace of what could be assigned to tools."

    Tools? What the hell…who needs tools to rip a condom? Did the victim have nails?

    • Beetagger

      Vagina Dentata.

      • DashboardBuddha

        Ala Snowcrash?

  • elviouslyqueer

    That Assange. What a total slutsats.

  • aguacatero

    A stark relic of Pacific Gas & Electric's brief and unfortunate foray into the family planning market.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      The condom or are you thinking of someone in particular?

    • mereoblivion

      The utility or the band? (Or both?)

      • aguacatero

        The utility has recently been found to have had some welding problems with its natural gas pipes. I don't know about the status of the band's welds.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Kondomen no workie. Sue! Justicimen!

  • Amo_of_Bogio

    Hey Jack, I think you mixed up the pics between this one and the "ruggedly handsome" boner article.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    The bottom one is obviously Uncle Oscar's death mask and used for some cheesy award.

  • BornInATrailer

    So bottom one isn't The Shroud of Turin?

  • LionelHutzEsq

    So, you are saying that Assange is responsible for stealing Tut's penis?

  • DoktorZoom

    Ha-ha–this reminds me of the opening scene of The Blues Brothers, where Frank Oz is giving Belushi his personal effects: "One Timex digital watch, broken. One unused prophylactic. One…soiled. "

  • mereoblivion

    "Frame delen av kondomen." Didn't some Ibsen character famously say that? Or Strindberg? Or Victor Borge? (If I keep hopping around Scandinavia, I'm bound to find the right language.)

    • Moonbat

      The Swedish Chef, I think.

      • mereoblivion

        Really? Is Swedish cuisine rubbery and tasteless?

        • Moonbat

          Lutefisk is definitely rubbery, although I wouldn't say it was "tasteless," exactly. More like "vomitous."

  • PublicLuxury

    Are they sure the condom belonged to Julian? It could be Tawd Palin's hooker screwing condom. I bet it's Tawd's. It's just like a Palin to try to cash in on for profit used condom trading.

  • Beetagger

    It looks like a happy manatee.

  • Limeylizzie

    My sister-in-law is Swedish, I shall have her translate , of course her English is somewhat odd but still…

    • user-of-owls

      Such a terrible boor am I for being so tardy (and a codswollop off topic), but I do owe you this for your touchingly sweet affirmation some days ago. So:

      Scrapes floor with his foot while trying to hide a sheepish blushing grin.

  • AtwatersGhost

    Is that the new flavor of swedish fish….ewwwwww did I just type that?

  • FlipOffResearch

    The only appropriate quantity to sell condoms in is, of course, the gross.

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    It ain't gonna be me, but I'm waiting for somebody to make that their avatar.

  • bflrtsplk

    Is that the same one George Costanza got from Kramer in that Seinfeld episode? It didn't work then either. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Single Condom Theory.

    • horsedreamer_1

      That is one magic orgasm.

  • joobajooba

    Here's a whole selection of Swedish condoms, from the Swedish Association for Sexuality Education. They used to be available in fruit flavors. http://www.rfsu.se/sv/Produkter/Kondomer/

  • Oblios_Cap

    That's some Fair Dinkum there, Mate!

  • MinAgain

    I guess this is where the rubber meets the road…

  • Ducksworthy

    Would it be blasphemy to claim to see Jeebus face in a broken condom? No? How about claiming Jeebus wants tax cuts for billionaires? Is that blasphemy?

  • http://www.kenlayisalive.org kenlayisalive

    I can't even believe I clicked on this. But I did. Obviously.

  • iburl

    Wow, swedes are even more pervy than i thought. Ken Starr's book may have been pornography, but there were no spooge or rubber pix.

  • inedal

    julian: this is swedish justice; face it.