raise your mimosas for jc

God Nabs All the Top Stars For His Annual Prayer Banquet

'No shit, the guy who wrote Braveheart is here?'For approximately 8,758 hours a year, the United States of America upholds one of its most cherished values, the freedom of religion. For the other couple hours, its government gathers together to tell Jesus, “Just kidding. We totally all believe in you. Give us a high five.” Yes, it’s the first Thursday in February, which means the National Prayer Breakfast was this morning. And, luckily, God was able to nail down some of the top media superstars of the moment for His annual meal. For one, Gabriel Giffords’ husband, Mark Kelly. Also, President Obama, of course. And: “other speakers [included] Jose Enriquez, one of the rescued Chilean miners, and Randall Wallace, who wrote the screenplay for the film Braveheart.” God must have been really pumped for those last two!

So, what did Kelly have to say?

In its aftermath, people are left asking why, he said. “Why were six people killed? Why was a 9-year-old girl, an innocent child, killed, who just wanted to meet her congresswoman? Why was Gabby shot through her head and left barely clinging to life?”

Well that took some balls. God was sitting right there. He can hear you! He probably spit out his eggs benedict when He heard that one.

And what about Obama?

“When I wake in the morning, I wait on the Lord, and I ask him to give me the strength to do right by our country and its people,” he said. “And when I go to bed at night, I wait on the Lord, and I ask him to forgive me my sins and look after my family and the American people and make me an instrument of his will.”

“Make me an instrument of his will”? So Obama is taking his instructions from a foreign body, the same one Muslims profess to take their instructions from? That explains the evil health care! It was an order from this shady “God” fellow! [The Hill/Baltimore Sun/LA Times]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Comments

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  • Barbara_i

    I honored my own prayer breakfast this morning with a bowl of Christ Chex and a for some salty relief, a handful of Jeezits. It's good clean living.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I hope those Christ Chex wait until you put a spoonful into your mouth before transubstantiating into the saviour's flesh, not when you pour the milk on them. Otherwise, ewww!

      • Barbara_i

        You can use milk on them? That reminds me, I have to find the cork and close that wine up or I will finish it all off and wind up worshiping at St Mattress of the Springs, without doing my wifely duties today. Stupid Sears won't come up with the riding vacuum cleaner, bitches that they are.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          Riding vacuum? You must live in River Oaks.

        • jus_wonderin

          Four Roombas and a Lawn Chair.

          • Barbara_i

            "Womba, it cleans my business. My lady business."

        • Jukesgrrl

          If men vacuumed, they would have solid gold ones with wheels that are two stories high.

    • Preferred Customer

      For clean living, you need something with more bran.

      • Barbara_i

        Frosted Super Colon Blow Flakes?

  • Serolf_Divad

    Every time I read about a child being raped, tortured and then murdered I cheer… because it's part of God's plan, y'all.

    EVERYTHING is part of God's plan.

    That's why I cheer for EVERYTHING… you know… right before I crawl into a bathtub and slit my wrists.

    • Preferred Customer

      That, too, is part of God's plan. Hopefully He will at least make sure the water is warm.

  • HolyMaracas

    “Make me an instrument of his will”

    So basically…a TOOL? Way to give Wingtards some ammo, Barry.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Seriously, Barry. STFU, you sound almost as bad as Bush here. Do not go that route.

      Actions speak louder than words, and if there is a God, his actions tell me loud and clear we're gonna have to bail ourselves out of all the shitty messes we've made. He's not much interested in helping.

      • MoeDeLawn

        True. Once I figured out He doesn't do retail, life became a lot simpler.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I prayed they wouldn't fuck up my order at the Taco Cabana drive-thru this morning, but sure enough, potato & egg instead of bacon & egg on my breakfast taco. Nothing fails like prayer.

    • Barbara_i

      Taco Cabana always forgets my chips and queso. They always manage to give me that lone flour tortilla, wrapped in foil though. I finish my green chili enchiladas and that flour tortilla just lingers around.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I just wish they would turn the margarita machine on before 11 AM. That extra tortilla? That's a lard-filled treat for my doggies!

        • HistoriCat

          (checks time) Nope, still over an hour until lunch time. Damn you!

          Bacon & egg? I vote for the chorizo and egg myself.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    It would have scared US America much more if Barry used a Muslin word, "Insha'allah" which is Muslinly for "Shit happens", um, "God wills it."

    • BaldarTFlagass

      After having spent a number of years working in that part of the world, my own translation of "Insha'allah," as spoken by Arab and Pashtun sub-contractors, is "If we feel like it" or "If we get around to it" or "If the workers bother coming in tomorrow."

      • axmxz

        The same meaning attached itself historically to the perennial favorite of Russian peasants, "Bog dast" – "God will give." Which unpacks approximately into "Everything is in the hands of the Almighty. Do I look like the Almighty to you? No? Well then, fuck off, your Lordship."

      • Jukesgrrl

        I used to work with Japanese people whose phrase for that was, "Why, yes! Of course!"

  • widestanceroman

    'Make me an instrument of his will' is what I say when I see pics of Ben Cohen, and me and Bamzi seem to be getting the same results. . .

  • user-of-owls

    When did we start celebrating Eid at breakfast?

  • CrunchyKnee

    When I wake in the morning I usually take a shit and then get a cup of coffee. The "Lord" never figures into the equation. I guess that I am part of the problem. Forgive me Barry.

    • ttommyunger

      I drink my coffee and THEN take a shit! INFIDEL!!!!

  • DaSandman

    When I wake in the morning, the Lord waits upon me. And sometimes I just scream my breakfast order at Him and He gets all weepy and slunks off .

    But everytime He appears, weepy or no, His hair is fuckin' perfect.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Is he drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's? It's important…

      • DaSandman

        He's double fisting those sweet bitches. Like all us real men do :)

      • http://michaelfountain.blogspot.com/ Angry_Marmot

        Well, Easter is on a lunar cycle…

  • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

    I predict it will take no less than another 10 minutes for some Republitard to start spewing off about how Obama does not go to church and "is not recognizable to regular Christians as a Christian."

    Tell me: what church does Rush Limbaugh (who tells everyone who listens to him every day that Obama is not a Christian and is out to destroy the country) go to?

    • widestanceroman

      One hell of a megachurch, that much we know.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Actually, no. A smaller denomination. He worships at Our Lady of Dominican Cabana Boy.

        • ttommyunger

          Beat me to it Cave Man.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Dear Jesus, please help us bomb and torture the foreigners we don't like this week.

    Please help us lock even more of the poors up in prison, forever.

    And most of all, please help us make the richest 1% of all Americans even richer, as you taught us.

    Amen.
    ~

  • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews/ cheaphits

    Glad to see that God made it to the Prayer Breakfast (even though it seems a bit presumptious – you know…"here I am, pray your asses off to me or else yer gonna really see some snow")

    He doesn't make many public appearances anymore.

    Which may not be a bad thing since when he does, someone usually gets hurt.

    • benjo765

      kind of like a drunk deadbeat dad?

  • mavenmaven

    He waits on the Lord? What does the Lord order for breakfast?

    • widestanceroman

      Six dead adults with a child on the side for sopping. And he's an awful tipper.

    • Barbara_i

      If Charlie Sheen attended he probably ordered Heidi Fleiss' Trix.

  • facehead

    I firmly believe in the separation of God and breakfast, though this may be the result of my mother's poor culinary skills.

    • benjo765

      Actually, adding a bit of prayer juice, or failing that, a little essence of religion to scrambled eggs really helps fluff them up quite nicely!

  • MildMidwesterner

    Dear Jesus,

    I pray for a lover who will make me scream your name.

    Sincerely,
    MM

  • user-of-owls

    “Why were six people killed? Why was a 9-year-old girl, an innocent child, killed, who just wanted to meet her congresswoman? Why was Gabby shot through her head and left barely clinging to life?”

    Who invited Bill O'Reilly? And why?

    • problemwithcaring

      How'd he get dere?Huh?
      How'd he get dere?
      How'd he get dere?
      How'd he get dere?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      "Bullet goes in, bullet goes out. You can't explain that."

      • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

        (Jeez, Chet, come on! -ED)

  • edgydrifter

    I notice God didn't answer Mark Kelly's questions. Typcial God–so evasive.

  • CapeClod

    I understand that when it's the Democrats turn to host the prayer breakfast the only item on the menu is waffles.

  • freakishlywrong

    Yes. But does God see/not see his shadow like Puxatony Phil? I thought not.

  • Come here a minute

    Every day I wait on the lord, and after a while I finally decide, well shit, I guess I gotta do it myself again. Thanks for nothing, Jesus.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      "A little help here!"

  • JoshuaNorton

    and make me an instrument of his will

    Um, has anyone told Barry that's invoked as part of the Divine Right of Kings? Sounds like he was using an old W crib sheet.

  • prommie

    Doesn't God excommunicate you or something, if you marry a jew? How can this Kelly be a christian? Hell, real christians don't even think epicopalians, methodists or presbyterians are christian, they're part of the anti-christian National Council of Churches, doncha know.

  • SorosBot

    Why are nine people, including a little girl, dead? Because people are bastards, and the universe is an unfeeling place that chugs along according to the laws of physics, which does not care about the fates of the life forms that cover the surface of one small rock orbiting just one fairly average star of the hundred billion in one galaxy out of the trillions within the visible universe alone.

    • http://michaelfountain.blogspot.com/ Angry_Marmot

      Your lottery numbers failed to come up again, right?

    • V572625694

      You make me feel insignificant. Therefore you must be wrong.

    • lulzmonger

      HALLELUJAH! AMEN! TESTIFY, BROTHER!

    • benjo765

      Not a bad story. A bit dry for my tastes though. Could you not bring in a saviour played by a good-hearted but wayward Christian Bale. With Morgan Freeman as some kind of martian god or something.

  • Steverino247

    God answered their prayers. The answer was "NO! I'm busy counting all these fucking sparrows and leaves dropping. Fix your own damned breakfasts for once. And get a job!"

  • hagajim

    Does this mean that Barry is a member of "The Family"?

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      Members of "The Family" seem to be of a decidedly lighter skin tone.

      • Negropolis

        Funny thing is that the Family has a penchant for African dictators.

    • Negropolis

      He'll never be part of them, even if he wants to. You know, it's taken him most of his adult life to overcome what is obviously his true base setting (atheism), but damn if he hasn't worked hard to do it.

      I hate how presidents feel the need to speak in tongues, especially ones that claim to be change agents. The last truly born-again president we had was Jimmy Carter, and the right-wing treated him as some socialist atheist. All the rest of them just played one on tv.

  • PsycWench

    The Flying Spaghetti Monster meanwhile quietly bides his time, counting the faithful while condeminng the others to overcooked pasta.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Al Dente or death!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Ramen!

      • HistoriCat

        Splitter!

  • WhatTheHeck

    Mortgage-backed securities were also instruments of god's will.

  • HolyMaracas

    Dear Breitbart Troll,

    Please feel free to give this comment a thumb down and/or "follow" me if:
    1. You accept the fact the you are unable to engage in a civil, substantive conversation.
    2. You just now discovered the "wonders" of the internet.
    3. You don't have a sense of humor or can't tell if some of these comments are serious or not.
    4. You hate Jesus.
    5. All of the above / All of 'em / Also, too.

    Sincerely,

    The Elite Wonktteers

    • jim89048

      That's libunacy!

    • fuflans

      yeah what's up with the level of cowardice here? usually trolls like to flaunt their out-sized ideas and bellies.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Has he contacted you directly? I got a really creepy E-mail from him on Tuesday.

  • SorosBot

    The prayer breakfasters should have been more careful, because they just kept giving all this attention to this one god and ignored all the others; for one Zeus is a very jealous god and quick to smite mortals with his lightning.

  • mereoblivion

    Oh yeah, well how'd the God get there?

    No more prayer breakfasts: Separation of church and plate. (Except collection plate.)

  • mereoblivion

    PS If the movie is any evidence, the guy who wrote Braveheart was the biggest asshole there. (Mel G. couldn't make it, for some flimsy reason.)

    • http://michaelfountain.blogspot.com/ Angry_Marmot

      Not the writer's fault; in the original script, they painted their asses blue.

      • mereoblivion

        O those egotistical directors, always messing with a perfectly good thing!

  • PublicLuxury

    This is what happens when there's muslin in the White House.

  • PublicLuxury

    I can't believe our very own Ken wasn't even invited. What a slap. A sucker punch to the gut, actually. too. Also

  • PublicLuxury

    Hey. Business opportunity. Let the free market loose. Let's make little gold goblets as replicas of the Prayer Breakfast and sell them on FOX. We'd get like a BILLION dollars fer sure. We could make them out of tin and spray paint them gold. My Mom had a shoe decorated with elbow macaroni and spray painted gold… it was soooooooo cool.

  • Ruhe

    The irony! For most of us here, who secretly love Barry, we cringe to hear him say he "waits on the Lord" because that sounds like either moonshine or a tacit admission that he's an idiot. And for all those instinctively hate a black chief executive that kind of fancy, poetic, preachery talk about "waiting on the lord" sounds plainly insincere.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ sweetcommunist

      It is the nature of Democrats to disappoint and alienate friend and foe alike.

      I probably shouldn't hold my breath for an atheist in the White House during my lifetime.

  • alaninthecastro

    Does this mean there will be a long winter, or a short winter?

    • user-of-owls

      Check the hair on the caterpillars and the shape of the persimmon seeds.

  • deanbooth

    If God had scabs, they'd taste like bacon.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    The same "foreign influence" that Egyptian dictator in waiting Omar Suleiman blamed for the Tahrir Square uprising must have been busy making Obama (also a Muslin) "and instrument of his will".

  • Barrelhse

    I wish people would get real.

  • mumbly_joe

    Jefferson wept.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    God will not be inviting Ricky Gervais to host this thing again next year. "Jesus, make up your mind! Are you into groups of long-haired men, or whores with your mother's name?"

  • DemonicRage

    If Barry wins a second Administration, are we going to have to die through six solid years of, "Oh, he's really a Muslim!" as the great death knoll of Opposition in this country, and other burning questions like "Oh, is she really going to wear another designed-in-Great Britain DRESS to the Royal Banquet?" These little dramas are starting to bring on the yawns.

  • ttommyunger

    THANK YOU! I was waiting for someone to pick up on the fact that this annual Hipocrite-Off is sponsored by the same loving group that is promoting the "kill the gays" laws in Africa and cozying up to despots and nutjobs around the world. The "Family" has several Congressmen and Senators in their pockets and who knows who else in high office. It is a dangerous and sinister Organization.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Seriously, I thought that thanks to Sharlet and Rachel Maddow that circle jerk might have at least gotten smaller if not ceased entirely. I guess more pressure needs to be applied.

      • ttommyunger

        The Family and Cancer are going to be around forever, sadly.

  • ttommyunger

    I hope I live long enough to see a US President with enough balls to denounce this group and its annual Hypocrite-Off. Let them have their own little circle-jerk at the local Waffle House along side the Optimist Club and fucking Chamber of Commerce and leave off the Governmental attendance once and for all.

  • fuflans

    i would go to a national prayer breakfast for eggs benedict.

    but then, i'm a tramp.

  • GOPCrusher

    I thought Obama had repealed the National Prayer Breakfast.

  • GeorgiaPeachy

    So God decided to make a fat turd like Rush Limbaugh rich and famous? Well, he definitely has a sense of humor.

  • Negropolis

    The National Prayer Breakfast is some of the worst kabuki theater we have here in the states. Absolutely horrible. It's even more horrible if you've ever read what it's really about in The Family.

  • smellyal8tr

    And, even with a breakfast, God continues to remain an enigmatic presence through history. I suspect She was busy with oh, any number of things, starving children, dying elders, war, famine, drought, Thundersnow, fear, oppression, Overeating and fear. Sitting around with a bunch of "Christians" punching down a breakfast buffet is not God's idea of a good time (and not a good way to start the day).

  • benjo765

    I hope the Chinese don't get wise to the prayer breakfast. There's no plan B for dealing with debt/ halting their march to global supremacy/ making all things plastic forever more.

  • MiniMencken

    At my prayer breakfasts, I always have everybody sing along to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-GFqhCq2HA

  • http://intensedebate.com/moderate/139022 GeoatBeck

    Ah, the inclusiveness of the liberal progressive left.

  • Fuck Toad

    The National Prayer Breakfast is hosted by members of the United States Congress and is organized on their behalf by The Fellowship Foundation, a conservative Christian cult-organization more widely known as "The Family." Initially called the Presidential Prayer Breakfast, the name was changed in 1970 to the National Prayer Breakfast. – Wikipedia

    I love that "cult-organization" snuck past the Wikinazis.

  • MiniMencken

    Is it so wrong to want to be loved? Leave Barry alone, you bastards!

  • HistoriCat

    Pay me enough millions and I'll say whatever the hell you want me to say too.