if i did it

Donald Rumsfeld: It’s Not My Fault

Not My Fault and Also Not My FaultAmerica’s Grandpa of Death Donald Rumsfeld is having his memoir published on Tuesday, serving as an addendum to George W. Bush’s book in that it has actual, alleged facts, opinions, and memories in it. So: Abu Ghraib? Not his fault, but he really wanted to resign over it and feels very emo that big meanie Bush wouldn’t let him. Initial troop levels? Not his fault, nobody in the military ever asked him for more troops. Guantanamo? Not his fault the jail existed, and actually he made sure there was less torture and fewer prisoners. Hmm, anything we’re forgetting here? Oh, that one war. What was it called again? Anyway, not his fault, Bush came to him about Iraq before the U.S. even invaded Afghanistan, but at the same meeting, he also talked about Rummy’s son’s drug addiction, so all Rummy could do was cry about that. Whoops!

Just 15 days after the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, President George W. Bush invited his defense secretary, Donald H. Rumsfeld, to meet with him alone in the Oval Office. According to Mr. Rumsfeld’s new memoir, the president leaned back in his leather chair and ordered a review and revision of war plans — but not for Afghanistan, where the Qaeda attacks on New York and Washington had been planned and where American retaliation was imminent.

Rummy says Defense was preparing for offense on Afghanistan at the time, but Bush asked him to be “creative.” Creative! Perhaps the military could stage a production of Grease for the people of Iraq before taking a bow and dropping a bomb on them?

The book mixes the policy and the personal; at the end of the same Oval Office session in which Mr. Bush asked for an Iraq war plan, Mr. Rumsfeld recounts, the president asked about Mr. Rumsfeld’s son, Nick, who struggled with drug addiction, had relapsed and just days before had entered a rehabilitation center. The president, who has written of his own battles to overcome a drinking problem, said that he was praying for Mr. Rumsfeld, his wife, Joyce, and all their children.

“What had happened to Nick — coupled with the wounds to our country and the Pentagon — all started to hit me,” Mr. Rumsfeld writes. “At that moment, I couldn’t speak. And I was unable to hold back the emotions that until then I had shared only with Joyce.”

Ah, there you have it. Rumsfeld could have said, “What the fuck are you talking about going to war with Iraq for? Our country was just attacked by a foreign terrorist organization we need to go try to destroy. Iraq has nothing to do with this. Aren’t you more concerned with winning this war we haven’t even begun yet?” But instead, his son had done some drugs. Sure thing, Rumsfeld. Perfectly good excuse. You should drop some leaflets on the families of people, American and Iraqi, whose children have died in that war. “Sorry, my son was doing drugs. I was emotional at the time. Not my fault.”

So here you have it: There’s finally someone to blame the entire Iraq War on: Nick Rumsfeld. HOPE YOU LIKED THOSE DRUGS, ASSHOLE! [NYT]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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141 comments

  1. MinAgain

    You know, pervasive drug addiction among White House staff would explain an awful lot about the Bush presidency.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      If only. Imagine a Bush administration so mellowed on fine blonde hash (supplied by middle eastern diplomats) and strung out clean, pure heroin (the good stuff, mind you, not the cut shit you get on the street). That is an administration that's not going to going into Iraq.

      "Oil, schmoil. Just keep the good stuff flowin, Rummy."

    1. Not_So_Much

      Well, all these turd-wagons said history would be the judge of their actions. I guess I didn't realize their plan was to write as many shitty, lie-filled books as soon as possible to make their own history. If enough of them say it, it must be true, right?

  2. ManchuCandidate

    Of course not… it could have been MUCH MUCH WORSE if dipshit Rummy had his way. Like the stories I read that Rummy insisted that the Operation Iraqi Liberashun invasion force was supposed to be 75000 light infantry and heavy tac air (aka too light to fight) and not much else to prove that you don't need heavy metal (armor and artillery) to win in a modern war. Of course, Rummy probably won't mention that without armor and artillery that the actual combat side of OIL would have been way more messy as the US America forces would have stalled in infantry house to house fighting in the urban centers.

  3. lefty74

    America sticking their nose in it over and over and over until we get it right.
    Sounds like the plot of Groundhog Day. Wait, Yesterday was Groundhog Day.

  4. Schmannnity

    “What had happened to Nick — coupled with the wounds to our country and the Pentagon — all started to hit me,” Mr. Rumsfeld writes.

    To his credit, if it had been Boehner, he would have had to be carried, sobbing from the Oval Office.

    1. Beowoof

      I can forsee that Rumsfeld, Bush and Cheney graves will be the urnial of their respective grave yards.

  5. Barbara_i

    Oh Donnie Dolittle! I will just use your own quite here:
    "There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know."

    The thing that I know is I will not be buying or reading your bullshit book.

    1. jrients

      The thing is, I totally agree with Rumsfeld's assessment of the uncertainties of life. I just wish the stupid bastard had the balls to publicly say that in the run up to the invasion, when everyone else in the administration was assuring us that Saddam Hussein had all sorts of WMDs all over the place. That's when we needed Professor Rumsfeld's Intro to Epistemology lecture.

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    Well, in fairness, if I was doomed to walk the earth as Son of Rumsfeld, I'd be taking all the drugs and booze I could get my fucking hands on; make Keith Squared (Richards and Moon) look like fucking amateur hour.

  7. Boredw/Gravity

    "Known and Unknown" by Donald Rumsfeld

    Known — he's a war criminal
    Unknown — why he is not being prosecuted as such

    1. zhubajie

      Can't some enterprising bounty hunter drag him to the Hague? Or to an Al-Qaeda tribunal some place?

  8. Come here a minute

    You go to war because of the son you have, not the son you might want or wish to have at a later time.

      1. kenlayisalive

        Basically what we did with Saddam, though that statement falls apart in regards to Al Qaeda. In which case it is more appropriate to say: I can bring you into this world, forget about you, and then OH SHIT.

  9. freakishlywrong

    When one of these assholes actually comes out with book titled It Actually Was All Our Fault, but Thanks for Blaming Everything on the Black Guy. That one, I'll get that one autographed.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Back in '07 when I was in Kabul, Bill O'Reilly came to visit The Troops in Afghanistan. He did a book-signing at the rec center at Camp Eggers in town, and a lot of the guys I worked with lined up to get him to sign his latest. I was waiting in line with a freshly-printed copy of Andrea Mackris' lawsuit affidavit from Smoking Gun; everyone asked me what that was about and were kind of surprised and had never heard of such a thing (imagine that!). I was gonna ask him to sign it, but as the line got shorter I realized that he was a big motherfucker (musta gone 6-5), so I chickened out and went to lunch instead. No way I was gonna travel halfway around the world to get cold-cocked by Bill O'Reilly.

      1. freakishlywrong

        Baldar, that signed lawsuit would be worth a fortune. And that blowhard wouldn't have cold cocked you. Apparently, he loves the troops. It's just the far left ones that are un-American.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          Yeah, no doubt it would have been unique, but as a civil servant with a beard and the longest hair in-theater, he probably would have been willing to make an exception in my case, punch-wise.

  10. elviouslyqueer

    “What had happened to Nick — coupled with the wounds to our country and the Pentagon — all started to hit me,” Mr. Rumsfeld writes.

    Oh for the love of… MAN UP, Barbara Cartland. Sheesh!

    1. Ruhe

      It's ironic. Not too many years ago hard-asses like Pat Buchanan might have been willing to publicly decry the possibility of a female president arguing that a woman would be too emotional to handle the job. "One week a month she'll want to push the button…the other three weeks she'll be afraid to." But now all the cool kids are admitting that their intellects are entirely dominated by their emotions but, hey, that's how it is for everyone. Critical thought is what the media can afford to engage in after the leaders have endured the real anguish of making decisions. We just don't know how hard it is for them. But the dead Iraqi children understand because Jeebus has explained it to them.

      1. SorosBot

        Hell, back in the day public crying pretty much ended both Ed Muskie's and Pat Schroeder's political careers; now we've got Speaker Boehner.

      1. metamarcisf

        According to my unimpeachable sources, neither Bush nor Rumsfeld actually ever technically fucked Yoko Ono.

  11. harry_palmer

    Fucking up his kid's head and turning him into a drug addict makes him all warma nd cuddly, human. It's like now they're characters on your favorite dramedy. We can all relate to him now. Totally excuses the fact that he lets the worst terrorist attack in history happen right under his nose, then starts attacking random countries with Keystone Cop-like effectiveness. Well played, you sexy man.

    1. DoktorZoom

      Wow–who would have guessed that Aaron Sorkin would end up moonlighting as a ghostwriter for disgraced right-wing flunkies?

  12. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Donald’s book will no doubt be a best seller soon as the right wing foundations start buying truckloads of this literary masturbation. I wonder what they do with all those extra copies?

      1. superdave

        Yeah, these wingnut books are all some sort of conservative trickle up socialistic scheme. What sane person would pay money for this shite?

    1. Schmannnity

      Give them away with your 12 month subscription to Newsmax! But only if you act now and sign this petition demanding to see the "long form" birth certificate.

    2. SorosBot

      Ever notice how these conservative foundations have these banner ads, "Sign up for X and get a FREE copy of this book"? Some of them have even appeared on Wonkette, which shows that they don't really know this place.

  13. undeterredbyreality

    My son's a drug addict? Not My Fault(c). Heck, I wasn't even there when he was growing up.

  14. Terry

    Well, at least Rumsfeld's son went into actual treatment for addiction rather than just praying it away like Dubya did.

    1. Terry

      As a follow up to my own post, I have a working theory that Dubya was never really an alcoholic, just a raging asshole who drank often. He prayed away the "alcoholism" and used it as a get-out-of-jail-free card to excuse his behavior up to that point. I don't want to know how he's justifying his behavior since then.

      1. SorosBot

        God.

        A lot of recovered addicts simply trade one addiction for another, and religion is a big one there; and a lot of Bush's statements indicate that he actually believes god is on his side and everything he's done has been sanctioned by his imaginary friend.

        1. Terry

          True.

          Funnily enough. Two groups of people tend to hear voices speaking to them: schizophrenics and hardcore religious types.

          1. BaldarTFlagass

            Two groups of people tend to hear voices speaking to them: schizophrenics and hardcore religious types undiagnosed schizophrenics.

            Fixed yer typo there, Terry.

        2. OneDollarJuana

          In my experience recovering alcoholics often smoke like chimneys, drink coffee like it was booze, and are frequently rigid, judgmental Christians, just as you pointed out.

          The local fundy church/factory's marquis says it all. Each day another group aiding severely emotionally damaged people, divorced, addicted, alcoholic, sex addicts, bad marriages, etc.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          Robin Williams on sobriety "You realize you're the same asshole you ever were, just with fewer dents in your car."

  15. Beowoof

    Well if I were Nick and had to put up with Donald's daily Jeebus briefings I would probably find drugs as a way to cope.

  16. PublicLuxury

    So, after doing a few lines of nose candy with George, the boys decided that it would be way cool to blow some stuff up?

    Boys will be boys.

  17. mavenmaven

    These guys just have their eyes on a Lifetime TV version of their story with an uplifting ending for the repub women crowd, so he was just providing the angle.
    Envision the crosscutting montage: swelling string music, soldiers fistpumping at a Bush visit to Iraq, the rumsfeld family sitting at the bedside with momma sadly stroking Nick's hair.

    1. Ruhe

      Can I suggest some dialogue?

      Joyce: Don, I don't think he's going to make it out of this.
      Don: No, Joyce. He'll make it as sure as we're going to win this war 'cause God loves us more than He's ever loved any humans in the history of the world. My faith in that is what guides me every day in all the decisions I make.
      Joyce: But…Don….I don't…
      Don: Joyce! Trust me. Have faith. Double down with me!

      1. DoktorZoom

        Don: Did I know he was using again? I'm not into this detail stuff. I'm more concepty. Stuff happens.

  18. YasserArraFeck

    According to Dick Cheney, Rummy was"the finest secretary of defense this nation has ever had". Who can argue with the finest vice-president this nation has ever had?

      1. Ruhe

        You're right. I was only referring to Augustine obliquely. "Prospero culpa" says more about the profitability of the enterprise but the original "felix culpa" is apt in that all of these dickheads obviously feel grateful to have been present at this disastrous nexus of history and also feel that they were entitled to put their very personal, very histrionic stamp on history. Ironic, given that a decade prior the Neo-cons were convinced that History had ended.

  19. ifthethunderdontgetya

    General Shinseki, anyone?

    WASHINGTON, Jan. 11 — After President Bush told the nation on Wednesday night that he was ordering a rapid increase of American forces in Iraq, Gen. Eric K. Shinseki was not among the retired officers to offer instant analysis on television.

    But the president’s new strategy, with its explicit acknowledgment that not enough troops had been sent to Iraq to establish control, was a vindication for General Shinseki, who as Army chief of staff publicly told Congress as much just before the war began in 2003.

    First vilified, then marginalized by the Bush administration after those comments, General Shinseki retired and faded away, even as lawmakers, pundits and politicians increasingly cited his prescience.
    ~

  20. NorthStarSpanx

    Will Wonkette hate me if I admit that George (even with his feet pointed toward each other and sitting goofily on a kindergartners chair with a book on his lap above his reading level) Donald and Rudi all looked terribly Presidential and strong on and days after 9-11?

    When the soot-covered scales fell from my eyes, I remembered it happened under their watch. I resumed resenting them, because ya know, hate is such a strong word.

    1. HistoriCat

      It's not the days after 9-11 I objected to, it was the idiotic obsession with Iraq. Afghanistan was pretty much a given (as David Cross put it, "fucking Nader would be bombing Afghanistan"). Focusing on Al-Qaeda and bin Laden? Yes. Iraq? Dumbest fucking decision they could make :

      1. Start a second war while still prosecuting first one
      2. Refuse to acknowledge evidence counter to your stated reasons for starting war
      3. Implement policy of torture to obtain "evidence" which will justify your war.

      1. SorosBot

        4. Pull resources out of the first war so that you're unable to catch the guy you are supposedly after, conveniently leaving him as boogieman who you can use to scare people into supporting monstrous policies.

        1. Radiotherapy

          Watch the military budget soar from $400 billion to $800 billion in ten years. Of course, this does not include the precious Fatherland Security Agency — a useless bureaucracy never to be untangled.

      2. An_Outhouse

        The best scene in Fahrenheit 911 is right at the beginning when crowds are throwing eggs at Bush on his way to his inaugration. He was a douche on day one and I despise him, his smirk, his asshole family, and mostly his evil, evil mother.

    2. OneDollarJuana

      Well, I'd agree about Rudi, but George and Donald were already complicit in destroying the country before 911.

    3. cheaphits

      Then he hid for several days, while his speech was being written. He once again displayed the courage he showed in the Alabama National Guard and as a cheerleader at Yale. I sure didn't see anything even vaguely presidential except for his canned speech – which he practiced for a week.

      Neither he nor Rudi did anything heroic, they just preformed for the cameras.

    4. mumbly_joe

      "Hate" is a strong word, but then again, "war criminal" are strong words, as well. Personally? I loathe every one of the unindicted war criinals from the former Bush administration.

      Rudi, on the other hand, was merely a complete prick, at least prior to his national aspirations. Still, most actual New Yorkers Never Forgot that he was a douchebag culture warrior as mayor, who specialized in releasing sealed juvinile records to explain why some guy totally had it coming when he was shot 20 times on his doorstep, because he was pulling out his wallet. Or the thing where he abused his office to do quid pro quo for the Yankees (whom many of us love, but not that much), or the thing where he used city personnel and tax money to drive his "good friend" mistress around to their rendezvous.

    1. mumbly_joe

      I'm pretty sure Rummy would call you some version of that (what was that phrase? "Morally and intellectually confused"?), but I'm also certain he would explain to us ten years later how it was totally the fault of his boss, and also his son.

  21. NorthStarSpanx

    “Sorry, my son was doing drugs. I was emotional at the time. Not my fault.”

    And yet, they can't handle the thought of emotional menstruating or menopausal women making similarly important decisions? Hillary, you've got your battle cry for a 2016 run! And at least you aren't Sarah.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      If I were Rummie's son, I would have had a heroin drip, booze mailed to my house, and would have been shoving lithium down my gullet with a turkey baster.

      BTW – Rummies son need to go into rehab? He has too much irony in his diet.

    2. OneDollarJuana

      Now, wait a minute. We're not supposed to exonerate people any more when they mess up while high. Why should we exonerate ostensibly sober people who mess up because someone they know is high?

      But regarding women. Well, you know that Newtie said that they get "diseases" so you can't put them in foxholes. He must be right, because he's screwed over so many.

  22. prommie

    Didn't Woodward say that on the very night of 9-11, while Condi serenaded them on the piano, Rummie wrote in his notes something like "gotta go big, sweep it all in, things related and unrelated, Iraq, too?"

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I'm an old, so I prefer the George Thorogood cover of Chuck Berry's song "It Wasn't Me." One of the verses kinda stands out, considering the military background of the vast majority of that administration's Vietnam-age personnel.

      Callin' out for volunteers on the front row
      Lieutenant said which one of ya'll will volunteer to go
      It wasn't me
      Woo, it wasn't me
      Yeah that must've been some other body,
      No, no child it wasn't me

  23. supernoun

    I am just not impressed at all, Rummy. Maybe record an album or something, but these memoirs just do nothing for me.

  24. BklynIlluminati

    You go to the presses with the book you have written, not the one you might have wished to have written or wrote and maybe have a better set of lies and revisionist history.

  25. DemonicRage

    Growing up, Rummy was an avid wrestler. It's just a small move from grinding out your passion against a classmate to f**king a nation with your stupid ideas.

  26. GortRay

    This guy is pure black fucking evil right down to his toenails. I wish him nothing but festering boils and tapeworms with big sharp teeth eating their way out of his guts. The fact that he is not rotting in a dark cellhole is an abomination.

  27. thefrontpage

    From Chapter 13, "Fun Times on C Street!!:"

    "Several times a month, me, Cheney, Dubya, Sherwood, Foley, Card, Fleisher and Bolton would head on over to this fabulous, ultra-chic townhouse on C Street for the best parties! The house smelled of lavender, there were a lot of candles, the rooms were all very darkly lit, if lit at all, there were a lot of pillows on the floor, and it was clothing-optional!! We would all enjoy the company of men for five or six hours, and sometimes, some of us would all crash together in the main bedroom after hours of strenous fun! Someone later asked if we prayed there, and I had no idea what they were talking about. The closet thing to prayers at the C Street House were guys yelling, "Oh, God!" every 20 minutes or so! Gosh, I miss those parties on C Street!"

  28. user-of-owls

    Hey, Latin geeks, help me out here. Does the non come before or after the maxima in mea maxima culpa?

    1. prommie

      I believe that the beauty of latin is that it is less dependant on word order, so you can use word order for emphasis, like saying "I am the most not guilty" and "I am not most guilty" have slightly different meanings in english, less so in Latin, non mea would translate as "Its not me that is the most guilty."

  29. Steverino247

    His name keeps being misspelled. It's Renfield, not Rumsfeld.

    From his Pentagon office to VP Dick Cheney's office:

    Master, you promised me eternal life!

    From his medical records:

    R. M. Renfield, aetat 59. Sanguine temperament, great physical strength, morbidly excitable, periods of gloom, ending in some fixed idea which I cannot make out [Ed. note: Invading Iraq]. I presume that the sanguine temperament itself and the disturbing influence end in a mentally-accomplished finish, a possibly dangerous man, probably dangerous if unselfish. In selfish men, caution is as secure an armour for their foes as for themselves. What I think of on this point is, when self is the fixed point the centripetal force is balanced with the centrifugal. When duty, a cause, etc., is the fixed point, the latter force is paramount, and only accident or a series of accidents can balance it. — From Dr. John Seward's journal

  30. HolyMaracas

    On the subject of Career Assholes, "I Hope They Server Beer in Hell" by Tucker Max is a much better choice.

  31. chascates

    You don't go to your grave with the memoir you wish you had, you go to your grave with the memoir you have.

  32. Chet Kincaid

    The first 1,000 copies of "Known And Unknown" come with a set of "Iraqis Most Wanted" playing cards and the rules for a new game called "Gin-Up Rummy": you deal the cards, declare victory, and then seize the other player's hand to look for a winning score.

  33. horsedreamer_1

    What about the family values?

    If Nick Rumsfeld were middle-class or poor &/or not white, he'd be in jail. & his family would be shunned. No-account, amoral derelicts.

  34. ttommyunger

    Having a fucked-up kid is a Hell all its own. Mine turned out great, thank God, or Luck, or the Angel Maroni or whatever the fuck you believe. But I've watched kids grow to be a constant and unrelenting sorrow and grief to their parents and just watching it hurts; except in Rummie's case. I like the idea of him grieving and hurting constantly, I wish him more.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      You can't always blame the parents when a kid goes bad. (That's my fallback position if one of my well-adjusted, sweet-natured and academically brilliant offspring pulls an unexpected 180.)

      But when you pop is someone like Rumsfeld, a big swinging Republican dick obsessively at the service of some of the greatest assholes ever to rise to the peak of power in the US, chances are that was a contributing factor.

  35. monkeyball

    "I was unable to hold back the emotions that until then I had shared only with Joyce.”

    So … did he come on Bush, or in Bush?

  36. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    "Medal of Freedom"

    Blair Bremer Bush Cheney Greenspan Kissinger Merkel Podhoretz Rockefeller Rummy Tenet Uribe

  37. DustBowlBlues

    How about a spoiler alert next time? Since you've ruined the surprise of Rummy's "Nothing Bad That Ever Happened Was My Fault" memoir, I guess I'll just keep reading "First Family" about John and Abigail.

  38. AlaskaGrrl

    Rummy should have slapped that boy in the Army. Nothing straightens out a drug addicted ass like a live fire fight. Oops! Right, he's the son of a Republican, they're to rich and privileged. Yep, a week or so at Betty Ford. Best thing. Poor boy. Sob. Pity about those poor peoples sons and daughters, but well, that's the price of being poor.

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