Virginia Contemplates New Dollar, Porkbelly Futures Skyrocket

  rumors on the internets
  • The Virginia state legislature is preparing to switch from the U.S. dollar to some sort of nu-currency—salted hams, probably. [WND]
  • Welfare queen Jimmy Carter is living large off of YOUR tax money! Be angry! [Washington Times]
  • Marriage-rape advocate and anti-feminist Phyllis Schlafly says Americans must rise up against the activist judges who would allow gays the right to marriage-rape. [Eagle Forum]
  • North Dakota is proposing a bill which would require all divorcing couples to wait one-year and go through counseling. Enjoy living with your emotionally-abusive husbands, ladies! [WDAY]
  • If you feed your child aspartame, they will die of brain cancer at age 8 due to a magic, deadly bacteria. This is how science works! [Go Beyond Organic]
Related

 
Related video

About the author

Benjamin Frisch is a comic book artist, and sometimes journalist currently habituating somewhere on the elitist liberal east coast of the United States. His published works include a short lived, but beloved cross-dressing comic strip entitled Maurice Antoinette and some other stuff not worth mentioning. As a journalist, Benjamin somehow contributed to National Public Radio, with his story At the Concert Hall, a Symphony for Space Invaders. Benjamin is currently delaying adulthood as a graduate student, and plans to remain one forever. He can be twittered at Twitter.com/BenjaminFrisch

View all articles by Benjamin Frisch

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

141 comments

  1. dr_giraud

    To be fair, Virginia Delegate (and Paultard?) Bob Marshall is trying to be reasonable. He's compromising on salted hams because he knows he doesn't have the votes to make slaves the currency again.

  2. Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

    Since Virginia is for lovers, perhaps the new currency will be some sort of barter system based on the exchange of sexual favors. Regulated by the invisible handjob of the market, of course.

  3. LionelHutzEsq

    I'm getting confused. Should I be against Activist Judges that are against health care reform and restrictions on campaign financing, or just the ones that like them some gay marriage rape?

  4. LionelHutzEsq

    Surely Virgina is going with the tobacco leaf as currency. That or lube (Virginia is for Lovers, after all).

      1. LionelHutzEsq

        Well, it makes more sense than their plan to step in when the US collapses and make their own currency. Although, for all I know, Virginia undoubtedly has gigantic gold reserves to base their currency on.

        1. jus_wonderin

          At least, if they go this route, we know where to get gold and silver after the econopocalypse.

  5. James Michael Curley

    "It's puzzling," says Marshall. "I presented it to the subcommittee and … they just sat there smiling like Cheshire cats, they didn't move to kill it and didn't move to report it to the committee."

    Because they were hoping someone was calling Security to give Marshall 10 days of all paid 'observation'.

    1. Negropolis

      Wait, doesn't he know how government works at the most basic level?

      He better be happy that the committee chair even smiled at him, instead of telling him to go fuck off and stop bothering him/her. Didn't this guy watch Schoolhouse Rocks?

  6. magic_titty

    Watch your back Alabama; Virginia and North Dakota are gaining on you.

    And seriously, I thought this country was all about government NOT intervening in private lives? North Dakota: go fuck yourself.

    1. SorosBot

      No, according to the reichwing it's all about government not intervening in corporations' screwing over of the rest of us; but people must be forced to use their genitals in only the approved manner, and pray to the Calvinist Christian god.

    2. Negropolis

      It's Mississippi. Alabama is the less-crazy Mississippi. Alabama is Mississippi, except with actual modern industries.

  7. Mumbletypeg

    "It's puzzling," says (Del. Marshall [R-13th District]). "I presented it to the subcommittee and … they just sat there smiling like Cheshire cats, they didn't move to kill it and didn't move to report it to the committee. So, I'm going to try and move it along and get the attention of someone on the full committee to report it."

    That's because they're remembering this same time last year when you made an ass of yourself, Marshall!

    1. GortRay

      And Lincoln should have just let the South go. Put a big fence around it and throw in some slop every couple of days,

  8. ManchuCandidate

    Considering that Virginia gets 50% more money than it puts in, it'll be win win. Ginny is free from that black man tyranny and US America can stop funding traitorous freeloaders.

    Suggestion… call the new currency nickels, Bees

    So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say.

  9. baconzgood

    "It really is an outrage when the judges are trying to decide important issues like the definition of marriage, like taking private property, like whether we have a cross [or] whether we're able to say a prayer at a public school event,"

    Actually Schlafly there is NO law that sais you are NOT able to say a Prayer at a school event. There is a law saying that the school cannot endorse or lead a prayer of any religion. What would happen if there was a prayer at school every day. A CATHOLIC PRAYER. Or how about Jueish or Muslum one???? You'd go nuts saying about how unamerican it is to be forced to pray. I'm sick of the Eagle Forskin and thier culture war lies.

    This comment is 100% snark free. Sorry.

    1. Pragmatist2

      The problem is you are being reasonable. Arguing with Schlafly is like throwing marshmallows at balloons. They hit but there is no effect.

      1. baconzgood

        It just makes me soooooo mad! I think I'm going to piss in some mormans gas tank to make me feel better.

    2. SorosBot

      It's a zombie lie that just won't die; right-wingers have been screaming against the Supreme Court "outlawing prayer in school" ever since the day the SC found forced prayer unconstitutional, enough so that I know plenty of reasonable, non-wingnut people who think they really did ban all prayer in school, because they just don't know better.

  10. PublicLuxury

    non snark

    North Dakota has trouble finding the money to keep COUNTY domestic abuse shelters open. Up there in the deep freeze women should know their place.

    I am originally from the tundra of ND and they're still discussing whether women should've been given the right to vote!

    1. HistoriCat

      Can we give North Dakota and Alaska to the Canadians in exchange for regular shipments of inexpensive prescription drugs? I think that's a fair exchange.

  11. LionelHutzEsq

    Thank God for the Washington Times. At least someone is holding Jimmy Carter accountable for how he destroyed this country with runaway spending and ill advised tax cuts for the rich during his presidency from 2000-2008. Never forget!

  12. widestanceroman

    How in the hell is Syphilis Scatfly still alive? She looks like a dried apple doll of Reagan on the verge of being tossed out (and should be). Also, shouldn't she be cooking something at home?

  13. Pragmatist2

    OK.
    Let's take Washington and Jefferson's pictures off the currency then and replace them with – hmmm let me think….
    How about General Sherman and Rosa Parks?

    1. baconzgood

      I like you verrrrrrrry much. Every time I go into the deep south I'm sure to mention Sherman once.

    2. Banelm

      Yes. A thousand times Yes. We need to put Sherman on the twenty, this is something that must happen.

  14. i_like_tigers

    Since I ignore everything about North Dakota, Jimmy Carter, Children, and Virginia this news simply made me wonder if my girl would be down for a freedom threeway with Phyllis Schlafly.

  15. metamarcisf

    I saw that stupid story about Virginia looking for alternatives to the dollar on World Net Daily and submitted to the Wonkette tipline, in between fits of hysterics. In a related story, Virginia is now trying to recall all their commemorative quarters so they can strike the Jamestown Quadracentennial and substitute a scene that depicts a guy sitting in his pickup truck with the engine running while his buddy runs into the 7-11 to buy some more beer.

    1. V572625694

      No one looks at the Wonkette tip line. Save your keystrokes for something more important, and closer to your self.

    2. HistoriCat

      Can you buy beer at 7-11s in VA? I thought you had to go to the state-run alcoholic beverage commission store (socialism!).

  16. SorosBot

    Oh no, the maintainance of Carter's estate costs 67K a year! That's gotta be like .0000000001% of the national debt!

    Uh, idiot Virgina State Congressman, there's two little things you should know: 1) there is no threat of "hyperinflation", in fact we face a possible crisis of deflation, the exact opposite; 2) the Constitution specifically prohibits states from coining their own money. Also, WorldNutDaily? A gold standard does not "provide a self-regulating and stabilizing effect on the economy", in fact getting rid of the gold standard helped stabilize our economy.

    Old bigot lady, the reason judges rule on issues like forced prayer in public schools and crosses on public property is that they blatantly violate the First Amendment.

    Don't say we didn't warn you that the fundie crowd was going to stop at discriminating against the gays and removing womens' bodily autonomy; they're going after divorce and birth control next, they want to return us to the 1800s.

    Thanks for the reminder that there are also some liberal hippie types who believe in stupid things proven to be false; at least none of them have any real power outside the Huffington Post.

    Also, I can't believe I read all that crap.

    1. baconzgood

      Thumbs up for reading all of it. I couldn't get past the Eagle Forskin. I feel dirty logging onto thier web site. What if they look at my history at work and see a non snark or non porn site on it? I've got a rep to maintain.

  17. harry_palmer

    It's probably shrewd of Virginia to try to beat the rush away from the putrid rotting corpse that was our body politic. Although as was the case the last time they tried to refudiate us (1860), they're implicated in the cause of the stench.

  18. slithytoves

    If you feed your child aspartame, they will die of brain cancer at age 8 due to a magic, deadly bacteria.

    At least they won't die fat.

    There's just no pleasing some people. (Life of Brian, I'm no plagiarist!)

  19. elviouslyqueer

    Oh for fuck's sake, Phyllis Schafly? I figured the only way that decrepit old hag would still be making news would be when she and Peggy Noonan got into a catfight over who got to fellate Ronald Reagan's corpse last.

    1. Redhead

      I got a solution – they both one but they have to do it at the grave site – once they get started, we push them down and shut the coffin on them.

    2. ttommyunger

      That assumes either one of these cuntburgers would ever smooch a goober. Don't believe that has ever happened. I get that "Turtle-Head" thing just thinking about my dick being within five feet of the fetid maw of either of them. For that matter, I doubt if Ronnie has ever plumbed the gums. Probably why he divorced Jane Wyman; imagine, a good Christian Woman trying something like that! Cynical opportunists like Newt go for the sexy time, true real believers (read morons) like Ronnie and Phyllis and Peggy are wound tighter than Dick's Hat Band.

      1. Moonbat

        I don't know, Nancy Davis was reputedly Hollywood's foremost practicioner of the arts of oral affection, back in the day. Seems like it would've been a waste for Ronnie to marry her and then not take advantage.

        1. ttommyunger

          You could be right, but if he did, I feel certain he put it through a hole in the sheet, Quaker Style.

  20. sezme

    I think Jello Biafra's lyrics from the early 80s still hold: "Blow it out your ass, Phyllis Schlafly."

  21. Redhead

    So Virginia is getting paid off by Goldline (Beckers is spreading the wealth!), Bush is pissed that Carter found a way to work out a deal to get free landscaping before Bush could (he knew there would be a down side to all that close-the-border talk, he just couldn't think of it at the time), and a bunch of conservatives think women are lesser (and scary) people who should not have rights but instead should exist simply to make life easier for men while the men decide what they can and can't do with their lives and bodies.

    I don't know much about this Phyllis Schlafly and I really don't want to look her up right now. I'm not sure my blood pressure can take it. So instead – anyone have a cute puppy picture? Please?

    1. SorosBot

      Phyllis Schlafly really hates her fellow people with vaginas, and is probably the primary reason the ERA never passed. She's a nasty shit. Her son Andrew is also awful, the creator of conservapedia who's given us the argument that theory of relativity is a liberal Jewish conspiracy.

    2. bflrtsplk

      I got two Siamese cats – Napolean and Josephine – that might do the trick They talk back to the Wonkbot.

    3. emmelemm

      You must be awful young if you don't know about Phyllis Schlafly. I envy you.

      And thanks to all for the cute aminals linkies.

      1. Redhead

        Yeah, thanks to all the above for the cute animals!

        And I guess "awful young" is a relative term, but I have been legal to vote in the last two presidential elections, if that gives you an idea :). I'm kind of thinking I want to stay blissfully ignorant in this case, lest the ensuing head-banging actual damage the wall.

        1. ShaveTheWhales

          Phyllis is kind of a zombie nonentity cunt these days, but three or four Presidential elections ago she was the front-cunt for the first wave of counter-feminism (with added homophobia).

          I'm happy for you that you don't know who she is/was. I wish I didn't, which is to say I wish she had been torn apart by velociraptors forty years ago.

          1. Redhead

            I don't understand counter-feminism, I really don't. If you want to and can be a stay-at-home mom, great, do it. No one's saying you HAVE to go to work (unless you can't afford to be a stay-at-home mom), just that we should have the option. These women that want to say all women HAVE to, all women should lose the rights to stand up for themselves when their husband beats them, who say rape victims should be treated as sluts instead of the victim of a crime… I don't get it.

            I also don't get people who want to reinstate segregated schools or who fight so bitterly against gay marriage – especially when they are black or gay. This fighting against your own interests, wanting to make your life WORSE, and not just yours but everyone else's…. I truly don't understand. Maybe I'm young, maybe I grew up after the feminist movement reached its peak and don't actually know what it's about, but I THOUGHT it was about letting women be equals, be people instead of servants and sex slaves. Letting them decide what they want to do as a person capable of makign that decision rather than forcing them into a stereotype. Hell, in freeing men too, to stay home with the kids if they would rather, instead of casting them always as the (sole) breadwinner. You don't have to stop shaving your legs and burn your bra if you don't want to Phyllis – that's the point of feminism, you are capable of making these decisions for yourself.

            Was I wrong?

        2. emmelemm

          Yes, it's important while banging one's head to make sure one doesn't damage the WALL. God knows, in real Amurikkka, you don't need your brain cells or anything. Waste of space, they are!

          1. Redhead

            Well it don't take brain cells to fire a gun, eat cheetohs, and tell the gubmint to get its hands off my medicare scooter (and provide more metros in DC, damnit!)

    4. user-of-owls

      I'm probably too late for the party, but just wanted to direct you to:
      http://www.fupenguin.com/

      The entire premise of the site is to post the most insanely cute pictures of all sorts of creatures. And then to unleash vitriol upon them. Sample entry:

      Mandrill, I'd like to introduce you to a concept called restraint. Here's how it works: I don't make fun of the fact that you think chewing on a twig is cool, and you refrain from looking like your mom had sex with a box of Fruit Loops and made you. Honestly, of all the ridiculously insane monkeys out there, you have to be the craziest one of all. You're a primate, Mandrill, not a fucking Care Bear.

      It's hilarious AND it has a chapter in Wonkette history. Back in the heady days of war-blogging, we here were the ones who put Fuck You Penguin over the top to win their category in a very prestigious web awards contest whose name I can't remember and who folded after we vote-raped it during the aforementioned episode. Our main target, of course, was a truly dreadful PUMA site that went entirely apoplectic over our jolly-frauding. Know your history, know your heritage!

  22. Sue4466

    "The buck stops here? Virginia eyes switching off dollar"

    Wow, white folks really did lose their shit over a black man in the White House.

    1. MadBrahms

      More like "porkbelly present", if that article about the american diet is to believed. You're gonna need long arms for that embrace.

  23. SorosBot

    Really, if they love religious patriarchy so much, why don't they move to Iran? It's pretty much their ideal society.

    1. Moonbat

      The Iranians have the wrong pet name for God, though. It's, like, a thing with them, apparently – gotta call the omnipotent creator of the universe by the right name, or it doesn't count, or something.

  24. genxr

    I'm surprised Republicans haven't proposed bulldozing Carter's childhood home, as a "symbolic gesture."

    1. GOPCrusher

      I'm still amazed at the level of hatred that gets generated by the wingnuts at the mere mention of his name.
      It's almost like he personally raped their childhoods.

  25. Oblios_Cap

    "I read the financial pages and I see the coverup that the Obama administration is engaging in, eliminating the cost of food and energy from CPI to fool the public (about the rate of inflation)"

    Wow. The Obama administration has been around a long time! Food and energy have never been part of the CPI because they are more volatile than the measures that are actually used. It also has the intended side effect of keeping COLAs lower (if anybody actually got them anymore; now those are termed "raises" so that wage slaves don't ever get one). But Mr. Marshall isn't one to let facts get in the way of an incredibly stupid idea.

  26. weejee

    So Intern Benjamin, you say Virginie is going to Fargo the dollar because some childish tame asparts think Phillis Schlafly's ERA is peanuts. But what about the aspartwilds for heaven's sake? What do they think?

  27. SayItWithWookies

    Bob Marshall is just taking reasonable precautions in case of a dire emergency. It's the same principle behind his idea to have the state purchase 2,000 catapults in case the electric grid is disabled during a Mongol invasion.

  28. Oblios_Cap

    Jimmy Carter is singlehandly draining the treasury with his enormous upkeep bills? So that means we aren't spending any money on the other ex-presidents, especially war criminals with the last name of "Bush"?

      1. ChessieNefercat

        So if we combine the Dakotas we have a place where where you must own a gun and where you must not divorce for at least a year? What could go wrong?

  29. Barbara_i

    Bad idea to force couples who seek divorce to attend counseling.
    My 1st husband and I divorced when the girls were 1 and 2 years-old. When my daughter was 3 weeks shy of her 18th b-day, I asked the Family Court for the first thing ever, to have her put on her dad's insurance that would cover her through college. Delaware made me attend counseling, "Coping with Divorce" I kept telling them, "I've been divorced for 17 years, I don't want to attend classes, please"

    That class was like the bar scene from Star Wars. It was my time to stand up and introduce myself and I was like, "I am Barb Lewis, and I've been divorced for 17 years" Just wanted to be a smart ass and drive my point home. Some greasy little man turns to me and says, "You must be really fucked up to still be in counseling 17 years later"

    The classes don't work, people resent having to pay for something they don't want and we will lie to get out of there quickly. Let us divorce quickly, let the gay people marry the ones they love and find something better to focus on, politicians!

      1. Barbara_i

        Nah, he was scared shitless of me. I stood really close to him during the smoke break and pointed out his erring and commented that he's "the perfect husband, because he's experienced pain and purchased jewelry"

        I'm 5'10" and I had my hand near my shoulder with my sternest "you have to be THIS tall to get on this ride" look. He was better off getting in line for the kiddie rides.

  30. fuflans

    i hope to god there were some strick constructionists / smaller gov't / bagger types stuck on lake shore drive last night.

  31. hagajim

    "I presented it to the subcommittee and … they just sat there smiling like Cheshire cats,"

    That's because they were all high as kites on that newfangled wacky tabakky and they were hopin' it would be the new currency so they could trade in buds.

  32. voodooeconomics

    Whats my spiral ham worth in Virginia ham. Would they please accept other cured meats as change; salami, mortadela,cappicola..

  33. simplyblue7

    hahahaha…so silly of me but I thought that ability was abolished along with the articles of confederation? no? we're still living in late 18th century america?

    1. lulzmonger

      "thumbed by a pee-troll" = Darwin's Little Also-Rans come here via Breitbart's websites & use the thumbs-down rating as their super-sekrit weapon of mass butthurt. Maybe your "greasy little man" is one of them!

  34. ttommyunger

    Now I realize why a dumb ugly fuck like me got laid every time he left Quantico for a weekend liberty anywhere in Virginia: those people are fucking nuts, every last one of 'em.

      1. ttommyunger

        Nobody I knew went on Liberty in uniform. Just not done. Haircut, build and demeanor gave me away I'm sure, but no uniform. You are right, though, as a KCMo area cop and later as a uniformed Fed I found that to be so among a small percentage of females.

  35. mumbly_joe

    Marriages with substantiated allegations of domestic abuse would be exempt.

    Entire books could be written, using that "substantiated".

    1. ChessieNefercat

      And how, pray tell, does one "substantiate" abuse? There are often no witnesses if the family in question follows a model of isolation in order to cut the abusee off from any potential support. And what about emotional or verbal abuse? The damage done can be far worse than that of physical abuse.

      Stop stop. I gotta go find the bunny puppy links.

      1. mumbly_joe

        I assume they're using the traditional standard of "it doesn't count as abuse if it doesn't leave a mark".

        Not terribly coincidentally, this is also the same standard Rapeublicans apply to whether or not something counts as "torture".

        1. ChessieNefercat

          And apparently to rape. No marks, then it couldn't have been "forcible" rape. It must have been "consensual" rape (didn't struggle because of say, a knife to one's throat), or in the case of incapacitation, perhaps it could be called, um, not-really (didn't even wake up, or comprehend what was going on) rape?

          Must calm down. There should be permanent bunny kitten links in the sidebar.

  36. JustPixelz

    Virginia legislator: "I read the financial pages and I see the coverup that the Obama administration is engaging in…"

    Can't Obama do anything right? Coverups don't work if they're reported on "the financial pages".

    1. mumbly_joe

      And they're definitely not doing it right if someone who's borderline retarded can unravel said "cover-up"

  37. ChessieNefercat

    You followed the links? Are we supposed to follow the links? I think I'm doing it wrong. I don't follow the links. I am happy with the witty Wonkette take on whatever idiocy is out there. Am I in trouble?

  38. BarackMyWorld

    Again…
    Courts cancelling laws prohibiting gay marriage = judicial activism.
    Courts cancelling healthcare reform laws = NOT judicial activism.

  39. donner_froh

    "Inevitable destruction," "economic calamity" and "chaos" are not words used lightly"

    Other than by Robert Marshall and World Net Daily since neither Marshall nor the idiots at WND are very good at understanding long words in English.

  40. MinAgain

    At least you can eat ham. Once society collapses, the usefulness of gold will be limited to throwing chunks of it at the heads of the people who hoarded food and fuel.

  41. Lost_Teabaggers

    You know for supposedly being so up on finances wingnuts are really, really stupid about the Gold standard and why we got off of it to begin with. In fact, it was THEIR stupid policy ideas of a giant military and empire that forced the over-use of the dollar which was at near-implosion levels when Nixon ended Bretton-Woods. Now with all the tax cuts they've handed out and the falling level of the dollar due to hyper-circulation if we went from SDR's as a reserve and back onto the gold standard the entire economic system of this country would blink out of existence and collapse the entire world.

    It's pure idiocy to think you can run Reaganomics, a huge military-industrial complex and international trade while being on the gold standard since your currency value is pegged to gold people want LESS of it in circulation and seeing as how these morons fanatcially object to increasing taxes on the rich (the best way to end the massive debt). It's just another stupid, crazy idea to try and get rid of Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security, pure and simple.

  42. luke_warm

    That aspartame article writer is not very smart. Was that posted to demonstrate that it's not just teabaggers who can use irrelevant and/or misleading information to "prove" their agenda?

  43. lulzmonger

    Wow! Technically, Phyllis Schlafly is still alive!

    I guess it really is true what that great American author said so long ago:
    "For that is not dead which can eternal lie, & with strange aeons, even death may die."

    IA CTHULHU FHTAGN!

    1. Negropolis

      I thank the FSM that I wasn't alive while she was in her prime, and barely know her work, because even what little I know of her turns my stomach.

Comments are closed.