the answer man

Hey Idiots, Can You Tell Bill O’Reilly Who Put the Moon Up There?

Okay, wise guys, Bill O’Reilly heard the Internet snickering when he debuted his “Tide Goes In, Tide Goes Out” catchphrase last month, showing the world he doesn’t know how ocean tides happen. Alright, so you think the Moon is doing this. O’Reilly has a response: “How da Moon get dere?” AIRTIGHT ARGUMENT, SIR.

For anyone who believes that in a giant sprawling universe, there’s a pretty good chance intelligent life will randomly come together somewhere, please read the following lines of text:

How da Moon get dere?
How da Moon get dere?
How da Moon get dere?
How da Moon get dere?
How da Moon get dere?
How da Sun get dere?
How da Moon get dere?
How da Moon get dere?
How dit get dere?

See, now you believe in God. It was so desperate of you to think you were made of the things you see around you rather than fucking magic. Because fucking magic is the obvious cause of all things.

(As we all know, the Moon was put there by the NASA, who made a fake moon so we could land on it. It was all staged!) [Videogum]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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    1. Mahousu

      Do you know that the moon sometimes appears in the daytime? It's true! Science has no explanation for this amazing phenomenon.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Okay smartypants — if that's true, then why doesn't the sun appear at night? Huh? Huh?!

  1. SorosBot

    Can someone teach Bill to use google? The moon got there early in our solar system's history when the Earth was hit by a stray planet, probably about the size of Mars, causing Earth to re-liquefy and knocking a lot of material out of the planet; there was for a time blobs of magma orbiting each other, but over millions of years the stray material cooled back into rock as gravity pulled it into a sphere shape, which also happened to the bulk of the Earth. I didn't even have to look this up, Bill, it's not exactly uncommon knowledge.

    1. Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

      Boo! Go peddle your facts somewhere else, Learny McBookerton. We don't need 'em here, and we don't want 'em here, and we ain't gonna have 'em here. So there!

    2. LionelHutzEsq

      Yes, if you are willing to accept the Socialistic explanation.

      And, anyway, since when have facts been important to anyone on FOX News?

  2. Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

    And while we're on the subject, who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp?

    Answer that, atheists!

    1. DoktorZoom

      Carnak the Magnificent (holding envelope to head): An adult male sheep, a baby sheep, and Bill O'Reilly.

      Ed: OK…adult male sheep, baby sheep, and Bill O'Reilly.

      Carnak (Opens envelope, reads): What is, A Ram, a Lamb, a Ding-Dong?

      Ed: Hey-ooooooooo!

  3. donner_froh

    "How did the moon get there? How did the sun get there? Can you explain that to me?"

    No. It is impossible to explain anything to a drunken, self-satisfied asshole who already knows the answers to everything.

    The only answer to O'Reilly asking to have something explained to him is: "Eat shit and die."

  4. MadBrahms

    "Actually, Bill, the moon was most likely produced when another planetary body, perhaps Mars, collided with the earth, causing a massive ejection of materi- you're not listening, are you? Bill, could you take your fingers out of your ears? Oh, that's very mature."

      1. Barbara_i

        Yes, God is "pressing ham" on the Hubble Telescope nightly. He also left a whole lot of flaming bags of poo on the Fox News.

          1. dyedwool

            A flaming bag of poo…ANYWHERE ELSE…would be more coherent than a flaming bag of poo at Fox News.

  5. DerrickWildcat

    Hate to say this, but O'Reilly wins this one.
    Bill can come up with more idiotic questions than you can answers.
    "Why doesn't the MOON HAVE A MOON?"
    "How do the pinheads know that the Sun has a creamy milk chocolate center? They've never landed on the Sun so how do they know?"

  6. GregComlish

    O'Reilley's on to something: Just keep asking "Why?" When somebody answers your question you just hit 'em with another "Why?" The man is a rhetorical genius!

    1. comrad_darkness

      You might start with wavelength of light and the various bending thereof by the atmosphere. You get a bonus realization for why sunsets are orange too, and why the higher the particulate content, the oranger.

      1. dyedwool

        Because it's sad that you (Bill O.) are an incorrigible idiot. With a TV slot. Who gets PAID to spew this crap.

  7. jerry_dixon

    I teach at the university Bill O'Reilly attended. Astoundingly, this isn't something I put on my resume.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Sorry, but the Catholics get credit for Bill-O. They probably get a chunk of his money, too, so he can have his loofah-sins erased with The Man Upstairs.

  8. Tundra Grifter

    First of all, Pinhead, to the best of my knowledge (and the last time I checked) both Venus and Mars have a Sun. Actually, the same Sun we do.

    And many planets in our solar system have a moon – heck, some have more than one.

    As to Bull O'Really?'s big question, who put the person there who put up our Moon?

    1. genxr

      Looks like God likes Jupiter and Saturn WAY better than the Earth. Or maybe he got sick of watching us psychotic apes run around beating each other with clubs, and instead spends all his time putting moons up there. Kinda like that painter guy on PBS. Put a little moon here, put another one there, and maybe a nice round one right there…

  9. ManchuCandidate

    Goodnight moon
    Goodnight Bill wondering about the moon
    Goodnight Sexy Swedish Stewardesses
    And the hummus loofa
    Goodnight Bill's special sexual harrassment suit
    Goodnight crazy eyes
    Goodnight Faux Newzers
    And goodnight mittens

    1. CivicHoliday

      I'm going to start reading that to my one year old at night.

      Goodnight to the old man whispering "tush"

  10. V572625694

    Don't tell Bill, but Mars has two moons! We're in trouble now! And Jupiter — don't get me started!

  11. LiveToServeYa

    Bill O'Reilly is, himself, a good argument in favor of atheism: because a benevolent God would not wish him on the universe.

  12. SmutBoffin

    This is actually kind of genius, in a retarded way. Some nerd night say "Well, the moon is a large chunk of the earth that split off following a collision by a comet or somesuch…". Billy would respond to that by increasing the scope of his question even further to include, I dunno, the solar system. GOTCHA PINHEADS YOU CANT EXPLAIN EVERYTHING, EVERYWHERE, EVERYWHEN SIMULTANEOUSLY

    But you can.

    What Billy doesn't know is that the various well-known physical laws provide matter the capability to self-organize at all length scales. Whether it be the spontaneous assembly of complex biomolecules from simpler precursors in water, or the clustering of stars or galaxies during the early stages of the universe there are rules involved. Relatively simple ones at that.

    No magic necessary, pinhead.

    1. V572625694

      So you're saying that "science" is not a finished body of knowledge or a collection of test tubes, but an approach, a way of thinking constantly open to new ideas and better explanations of observable phenomena, even if the new explanations upset the old certainties? That even the Ptolemaic universe worked to the extent it was useful for predicting eclipses, although based on what now seem like fantasies? Are you saying the science is essentially an open-minded approach, then, as opposed to the received dogma of organized religion which cannot accept alternative explanations?

      And are you saying that the argument "everything had to be created by something" falls apart if you ask, "Who created the Creator?"

      That kind of thinking is dangerous, you know.

      1. SmutBoffin

        Bill seems to be just invoking different phenomena, expecting that, at some point, his critics will have to say "Well, I dunno the explanation of that one…". This is the point at which Bill "wins" the argument, because his weird god lives in these gaps.

        There are things, of course, that we do not know. But we have good scientific principles that allow us to pass from general ideas (gravity and the organization of extra-solar matter) to specific instances (why our Earth has a moon and another planet doesn't).

        Science, as in the structured observation and reduction to general principles of the behavior of our universe, has explanatory power. Bill can assert that certain principles (god) underly everything, but the only way he can connect them to specific phenomena is by his crazy loofah-imagination, not any real observation.

    1. DoktorZoom

      My guess is that he really wants to know why they don't have oceans, and hence, tides.

      Motherfuckin' astronomy, how does it work?

      1. SorosBot

        Well see Bill, we know Mars had liquid water in the past but now it's too cold and all the water is frozen; the prevailing theory is that this due to Mars' loss of its' magnetic field, which…

        Oh wait, you don't really care about the answer to these question, or the even fact that they have already been answered; you're just trying to score a rhetorical point with your drooling idiot fanbase, who don't know that astronomers have already figured a lot of this stuff out.

  13. Crank_Tango

    Hide yer tides, hide yer kids, hide yer tides, hide yer kids!
    Da moon's rapin errbody up in here!

  14. OneYieldRegular

    This really gives you a taste of the kind of crap Galileo probably had to endure at his trial.

    1. comrad_darkness

      Imagine O'Reilly with a 007 style license to burn people he disliked at the stake along with a warehouse full of kindling and equally sheeple-like followers to carry said kindling. THEN you get an idea what Galileo had to contend with.

  15. freakishlywrong

    Billo both sucks AND blows. Ignorance and smugness make for one unsightly mother fucker. Spin that. Asshole.

  16. genxr

    It's simple Bill. Whenever you see something you don't understand, just say "Gravity did it." Judging from your track record, you'd probably be right more often than now.

  17. LionelHutzEsq

    So, we can all agree that Bill doesn't have time to watch PBS, Discovery, TLC or the History Channel. That would explain why he thought American troops slaughter SS troops in WWII at Malmedy.

    1. ManchuCandidate

      Haha. Naw. It seems you haven't watched recent Discovery TLC or History because it would actually be: US American Jeebus slaughtering Nazee Ghosts and Vampires at a Pawn Shop guest starring Kate and 20 other baby cannons.

  18. mereoblivion

    What is this dee-uh-dee of which bill speaks, which it takes so much faith to not believe in? 'Cause if that's all faith means, I got enuf faith to stretch from here to bill's moon and back.

  19. sportshort

    God made everything until Heaven decided to outsource to India. Now God doesn't have much to do except fuck with Bill O'Reilly.

  20. SayItWithWookies

    Some girl I was seeing, in a fit of mistaken romanticism, once remarked on the strange set of circumstances that had to occur to result in our meeting one another. I said, "Yeah, considering how improbable that was, it's amazing anybody meets anyone else at all." We didn't date for much longer after that.

    1. prommie

      What with the chances being so infinitesimal, its amazing anything ever happens at all. Unfortunately, its an inverse premise derived from this logic that is behind our legal system's false premise that someone should be blamed, and punished, for everything that ever happens.

      Ambrose Bierce, The Devils Dictionary: "accident: the inevitable result of the ordinary workings of the laws of physics."

      1. LionelHutzEsq

        I always liked Douglas Adams take on this: Given that the Universe is so immensely huge, and the number of inhabitants is very small, any person you meet is the product of a deranged imagination.

  21. ttommyunger

    The absolute width and breadth of this person's wrong-headedness reminds me of every Rightard I ever had the poor judgement to try to reason with; a practice I have pretty much forgone at this point in my life. I would either have to punch him in the larynx immediately and without warning or walk briskly away, or best of all, both.

  22. OneDollarJuana

    I tell ya, it takes more faith to believe that the Earth isn't flat than to believe that yes, ships fall off the edge and if you dig deep enough in Bill-o's back yard you'll hit China, where they all stand on their heads because it's on the bottom of the world and that if a tree falls in the forest and Bill-o isn't around to hear it it didn't happen and who gives a fuck, anyway?

  23. weejee

    See the light Bill
    del dot E = 4πρ ………get charged up
    del dot B = 0……………none monopoles
    del cross E = -∂B/∂t……………one goes up the other down
    del cross B = ∂E/∂t + J×4π….get the flux outa here Bill

    1. SmutBoffin

      I wonder if Maxwell or Faraday ever thought that the principles they discovered would be put to use in the manufacture of vibrators for television hosts to pleasure themselves with?

  24. widestanceroman

    Any question about the moon that starts with 'who' and ends with 'up there' is not worth answering because the questioner is an idiot.

    Oh, fuck it, Bill, sometimes, when Mr. Asteroid and Mrs. Planet love each other very much. . .

  25. DoktorZoom

    Hey, Bill!

    "f I were to suggest that between the Earth and Mars there is a china teapot revolving about the sun in an elliptical orbit, nobody would be able to disprove my assertion provided I were careful to add that the teapot is too small to be revealed even by our most powerful telescopes. But if I were to go on to say that, since my assertion cannot be disproved, it is an intolerable presumption on the part of human reason to doubt it, I should rightly be thought to be talking nonsense. If, however, the existence of such a teapot were affirmed in ancient books, taught as the sacred truth every Sunday, and instilled into the minds of children at school, hesitation to believe in its existence would become a mark of eccentricity and entitle the doubter to the attentions of the psychiatrist in an enlightened age or of the Inquisitor in an earlier time." –Bertrand Russell, 1952.

    How da teapot get there, Bill? Huh? Smart guy?

    Science: It's just desperate.

  26. JoshuaNorton

    Geez. It's like listening to a self-important 8 year old lecturing a NASA scientist on how to identify Jupiter.

  27. BaldarTFlagass

    "brushed past" doesn't really answer the question: did you actually touch him? AAAAAIIIIIEEEEE! Fox Cooties! But if it was years ago, I guess you cheated death derangement, anyway.

    1. Terry

      He got out of a black towncar that pulled up to the curb in front of a private club, then stopped in the middle of the sidewalk to chit chat. There was minor contact, but I think I really only touched his topcoat, which explains my largely intact sanity today.

      1. Rotundo_

        You poor thing, bumping into Fox hosts is a very traumatic thing. One of the risks of living in their native habitat. I do hope you have had counseling, or barring that, a well stocked bar.

      2. BarryOPotter

        …I think I really only touched his topcoat

        Be glad you didn't penetrate it and end up with his gooey center on your hands! Whew! That was close.

  28. NewtsChicknNeck

    a bill o'reilly "premium member"? i'm sorry but internettin' budget is dominated by subscriptions to loofah porn sites. i'm not shelling out $30 for premium anything that doesn't answer the question "how'd the loofah get dere?"

  29. GeorgiaBurning

    "Bill O'Reilly explains the meaning of the universe." Hmm, Rupert Murdoch's masters in Beijing have a very warped sense of humor, could they please help out "Saturday Night Live"?

  30. Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

    And the strong nuclear force is actually just Jesus hugging all the atomic nuclei really tightly.

  31. mavenmaven

    The intricacies of the human condition, like cancer in children, for example. Proves to me that God was born in Judea and killed for our sins generated by a naked man eating a fruit.

  32. whiterabid

    If the night is cloudy, how do you know the moon is in the sky unless you have faith? How about it, pihnheads.

  33. DerrickWildcat

    Oh yeah, well explain this one brainiacs, pull a tissue out of the box and another one immediately pops up to take its place. So how does that happen? Nobody really knows. IT JUST DOES! THAT'S THE WAY IT'S ALWAYS BEEN!

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Well, that's the way it's always been for 6000 years. Before that, of course, nothing but God.

  34. imissopus

    I don't know that anyone has been attacking Bill. Mocking the living shit out of him for being a dunderheaded self-righteous gibbering ignoramus with the intellectual curiosity of a five-year-old, yes. But attacking?

  35. Asa_Hawks

    If the existence of tides proves that God exists, then the existence of Bill O'Reilly proves that the Devil is very real, and plays an active role in human affairs.

  36. Schmegeg

    Well, WHO MADE the planetoid sized object that crashed into the earth and resulted in the formation of the moon?

  37. GortRay

    The great Ameritard celebration of ignorance continues unabated. Their fact deflection shield is working perfectly.

  38. Ducksworthy

    So what holds up the earth then ma'm? "A turtle." And what's holding up the turtle. "Turtles. Turtles. Its turtles all the way down." Whether this is good or bad is not important. What's important is that schizophrenics have a structure in which they can believe.

  39. BklynIlluminati

    Everyone knows it's God's cue ball, stupid Bill. do I have to explain why the earth is friggin flat too? Your such a moran Bill

  40. prommie

    Hey, has anyone told him that "the sun is a mass of incandescent gas, a gigantic nuclear furnace, where hydrogen is turned into helium at a temperature of millions of degrees?"

    1. genxr

      Our whole universe was in a hot dense state,
      Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started. Wait…
      The Earth began to cool,
      The autotrophs began to drool,
      Neanderthals developed tools,
      And they all got shows on Fox News

    2. SenileAgitation

      I doubt it, I don't think Billo tunes into the leftist PBS-style propaganda programming that produced that wonderful fact-based tune.

  41. DangerHelvetica

    I look forward to Glenn Beck's explanation, where he describes how the Freemasons and the FEMA in 1962 created an illusionary moon with a giant projector array which activates the lycanthrope virus.

  42. seppdecker

    Bill's along with a webcam (or an unpaid assistant to work the webcam) and his strategy is still to shout, bully and cut off the opposition, profound silence in this case.


  43. PublicLuxury

    The moon is bothering him. Hmmmm, Wait until he sees a tree seemingly growing out if a rock. How did it git dere?

  44. __kth__

    holy shit, Billo has blown the lid off. Not only do scientists not know how the moon came to orbit the earth, the question itself never even occurred to them.

  45. Karma_Suture

    How'd your dick get dere?
    How'd your dick get there?
    Answer that.
    How'd your dick get there?
    And your balls?
    How'd de get dere?
    How'd de GET dere?
    Dick goes up. Dick goes down.
    How's that happen?
    Men have dicks, women don't.
    Why don't women have dicks and men do?
    How dat happen?
    You tell me.

  46. JackObin

    How did the moon get there? Why, Rupert Murdoch and the baby Jesus put it there, in order to make silly American halfwits swoon at Glen Beck.

  47. Karma_Suture

    A hundred years ago that boy would have died in a gunfight before he could reproduce…..
    Ah… the good ol' days.

  48. DoktorZoom

    I'm pretty sure that was Franklin with the beer quote. Or maybe it was Mencken, and it's been attributed to Franklin due to the Twain/Churchill/Carlin Misattribution Principle (any witty line will inevitably be attributed to someone who is famous for witty sayings, regardless of whether they actually said it).

    Incidentally, I'm quite sure that rule was made up by Stephen Wright.

  49. pdiddycornchips

    Maybe the moon was kicked out of earth for trying give its citizens health thus taking away their freedom?

  50. RowdyRacer

    Riddle me this, Billo – God made the moon, the sun, etc., etc. without anyone bankrolling his program. Nowadays, he(He) can't make a goddamned thing unless someone writes him(Him) a check…

  51. dyedwool

    Hold up. When you say "brushed past…" Was this with your bare hands? Or with some sort of bath brushing implement? Say…A LOOFAH?!

  52. Negropolis

    Online hecklers are the best hecklers. Bill "Get Off My Lawn" O'Reilly, you are a national treasure.

  53. Gleem_McShineys

    Here's how it works, Bill:

    See, you take a planet, and a comet that's pretty much caught in the planet's gravitational field, ok? I mean, it can't get away.

    Then the planet starts making unwanted sexual advances, late night dirty phone calls, and somehow dildoes are involved. Pretty soon, BAM, this massive settlement / scandal forever orbits the gross old planet, forever.

    Dat's who put the moon dere, your old lecherous self. Clear?

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