THE ANSWER MAN  12:52 pm February 2, 2011

Hey Idiots, Can You Tell Bill O’Reilly Who Put the Moon Up There?

by Jack Stuef


Okay, wise guys, Bill O’Reilly heard the Internet snickering when he debuted his “Tide Goes In, Tide Goes Out” catchphrase last month, showing the world he doesn’t know how ocean tides happen. Alright, so you think the Moon is doing this. O’Reilly has a response: “How da Moon get dere?” AIRTIGHT ARGUMENT, SIR.

For anyone who believes that in a giant sprawling universe, there’s a pretty good chance intelligent life will randomly come together somewhere, please read the following lines of text:

How da Moon get dere?
How da Moon get dere?
How da Moon get dere?
How da Moon get dere?
How da Moon get dere?
How da Sun get dere?
How da Moon get dere?
How da Moon get dere?
How dit get dere?

See, now you believe in God. It was so desperate of you to think you were made of the things you see around you rather than fucking magic. Because fucking magic is the obvious cause of all things.

(As we all know, the Moon was put there by the NASA, who made a fake moon so we could land on it. It was all staged!) [Videogum]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 229 comments }

chascates February 2, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Moon goes up, moon stays up.

iburl February 2, 2011 at 7:51 pm

Dildo goes Up, Bill gets off.
Felafal rubs you, you get off.

DashboardBuddha February 2, 2011 at 12:55 pm

I got the sun in the morning and the moon at night.

JustPixelz February 2, 2011 at 1:22 pm

And Fox News 24×7.

Mahousu February 2, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Do you know that the moon sometimes appears in the daytime? It's true! Science has no explanation for this amazing phenomenon.

SayItWithWookies February 2, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Okay smartypants — if that's true, then why doesn't the sun appear at night? Huh? Huh?!

superburrito February 2, 2011 at 3:35 pm

Sometime the sun goes round the moon? Sometimes the snow comes down in June?

Jukesgrrl February 2, 2011 at 4:18 pm

It's there, it just has a blue dot over its face.

polisurgist February 2, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Poor Mars, it has no sun.

CrunchyKnee February 2, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Oh Bill, please never change. They're so cute at that age.

PocketsTheClown February 2, 2011 at 1:00 pm

ITS A SERIES OF TUBES… er sry rong thred

LionelHutzEsq February 2, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Also.

hagajim February 2, 2011 at 1:00 pm

I thought that Mrs. O'Leary's cow put it there – to jump over…no wait…wrong cow.

MildMidwesterner February 2, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Fires + the Moon = the Sun

genxr February 2, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Fires + the Moon = Caliphate of New China

Barbara_i February 2, 2011 at 1:00 pm

I dunno, better question is why Bill 'O is so annoying to Uranus. (and 99.9% of Earth)

LionelHutzEsq February 2, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Now, be fair, Bill is perfectly willing to clean Uranus with a loofah.

SorosBot February 2, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Can someone teach Bill to use google? The moon got there early in our solar system's history when the Earth was hit by a stray planet, probably about the size of Mars, causing Earth to re-liquefy and knocking a lot of material out of the planet; there was for a time blobs of magma orbiting each other, but over millions of years the stray material cooled back into rock as gravity pulled it into a sphere shape, which also happened to the bulk of the Earth. I didn't even have to look this up, Bill, it's not exactly uncommon knowledge.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 2, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Boo! Go peddle your facts somewhere else, Learny McBookerton. We don't need 'em here, and we don't want 'em here, and we ain't gonna have 'em here. So there!

PsycWench February 2, 2011 at 1:06 pm

To which Bill would reply "How do you know? Were you there?"

genxr February 2, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Exactly. Magic.

mereoblivion February 2, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Oh, yeah? How'd google get there?

imissopus February 2, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Search terms go in, links come out. AND YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT!

Sharkey February 2, 2011 at 1:39 pm

How'd the stray planet get there? Huh? How'd it get there?

Sue4466 February 2, 2011 at 4:41 pm

And, who kicked the stray planet into the earth to make the moon? No answer to that!

LionelHutzEsq February 2, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Yes, if you are willing to accept the Socialistic explanation.

And, anyway, since when have facts been important to anyone on FOX News?

GeoatBeck February 3, 2011 at 3:44 am

Plausible but hardly fact. Which stray planet was this? Who tossed the planet or mass? Funny how some take there theories as fact and facts as theories. Not even your Richard Dawkins will say 100% there is no GOD. Check his interview with Ben Stein.
http://vodpod.com/watch/1495392-ben-stein-vs-rich

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 2, 2011 at 1:01 pm

And while we're on the subject, who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp?

Answer that, atheists!

prommie February 2, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Same guy what wrote The Book of Love.

Moonbat February 2, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Burt Bachrach?

BaldarTFlagass February 2, 2011 at 1:07 pm

More importantly, who put the Rahm in the rahmalamadingdong?

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 2, 2011 at 1:09 pm

The Illinois Supreme Court.

PocketsTheClown February 2, 2011 at 1:07 pm

You know who else wants to bomp Iran..

ManchuCandidate February 2, 2011 at 1:13 pm

The same Gravity and Thermo elves I mentioned earlier.

DoktorZoom February 2, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Carnak the Magnificent (holding envelope to head): An adult male sheep, a baby sheep, and Bill O'Reilly.

Ed: OK…adult male sheep, baby sheep, and Bill O'Reilly.

Carnak (Opens envelope, reads): What is, A Ram, a Lamb, a Ding-Dong?

Ed: Hey-ooooooooo!

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 2, 2011 at 10:14 pm

You are SO followed now.

baconzgood February 2, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Well played Applesause.

donner_froh February 2, 2011 at 1:01 pm

"How did the moon get there? How did the sun get there? Can you explain that to me?"

No. It is impossible to explain anything to a drunken, self-satisfied asshole who already knows the answers to everything.

The only answer to O'Reilly asking to have something explained to him is: "Eat shit and die."

MaxNeanderthal February 2, 2011 at 3:51 pm

The Rennaisance was something that happened to other people, wasn't it Bill? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPtbPlsLqsE&fe

MadBrahms February 2, 2011 at 1:01 pm

"Actually, Bill, the moon was most likely produced when another planetary body, perhaps Mars, collided with the earth, causing a massive ejection of materi- you're not listening, are you? Bill, could you take your fingers out of your ears? Oh, that's very mature."

OneDollarJuana February 2, 2011 at 3:53 pm

That wasn't in Bible, so it didn't happen.

GeoatBeck February 3, 2011 at 3:36 am

"most likely produced when another planetary body"

I thought fact meant something else.

LionelHutzEsq February 2, 2011 at 1:02 pm

So, according to Bill O'Reilly, God is mooning us?

elviouslyqueer February 2, 2011 at 1:16 pm

God is mooning us,
God is mooning us,
God is mooning uuuuuuuuuuuuus,
From a distance.

Barbara_i February 2, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Yes, God is "pressing ham" on the Hubble Telescope nightly. He also left a whole lot of flaming bags of poo on the Fox News.

Angry_Marmot February 2, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Which were immediately signed to three-year contracts.

LionelHutzEsq February 2, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Well, the flaming bag of poo would be more coherent than Glenn Beck.

SorosBot February 2, 2011 at 1:53 pm

What if god was mooning us; his flabby ass like one of us?

DerrickWildcat February 2, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Hate to say this, but O'Reilly wins this one.
Bill can come up with more idiotic questions than you can answers.
"Why doesn't the MOON HAVE A MOON?"
"How do the pinheads know that the Sun has a creamy milk chocolate center? They've never landed on the Sun so how do they know?"

Buzz Feedback February 2, 2011 at 1:03 pm

The moon got there on a giant, Morton Thiokol-powered loofah.

Sparky_McGruff February 2, 2011 at 1:57 pm

God did it live!

BarryOPotter February 2, 2011 at 3:19 pm

When the O-rings were still made with care…

GregComlish February 2, 2011 at 1:04 pm

O'Reilley's on to something: Just keep asking "Why?" When somebody answers your question you just hit 'em with another "Why?" The man is a rhetorical genius!

BaldarTFlagass February 2, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Isn't that the interrogatory technique of, like, a 5-year-old? Oh, yeah.

LionelHutzEsq February 2, 2011 at 1:50 pm

I was going to say that it works great for my five-year-old niece.

Gleem_McShineys February 2, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Why?

HistoriCat February 2, 2011 at 3:05 pm

I'd rather hit O'Reilly with a hammer than a question.

BaldarTFlagass February 2, 2011 at 1:04 pm

I'm still trying to get past why the sky is blue.

V572625694 February 2, 2011 at 1:08 pm

The Cuckoo's Egg, no?

LionelHutzEsq February 2, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Because it reflects the sea.

comrad_darkness February 2, 2011 at 2:05 pm

You might start with wavelength of light and the various bending thereof by the atmosphere. You get a bonus realization for why sunsets are orange too, and why the higher the particulate content, the oranger.

BarryOPotter February 2, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Why is the sky blue? Because it's sad that it can't come down and play with you.

dyedwool February 2, 2011 at 9:04 pm

Because it's sad that you (Bill O.) are an incorrigible idiot. With a TV slot. Who gets PAID to spew this crap.

Gleem_McShineys February 2, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Of course, the correct answer: Jesus!

FraAnima February 3, 2011 at 8:24 am

…riding a dinosaur.

glamourdammerung February 3, 2011 at 8:37 am

I do not know, but Sarah Palin is the real victim here. Why do you keep picking on her?

ifthethunderdontgetya February 2, 2011 at 1:05 pm

I could last 19 seconds of the stuck-up, overpaid, hypocritical freak.

Fuck you Rupert Murdoch, and all of your giant sucking asshole employees.
~

jerry_dixon February 2, 2011 at 1:06 pm

I teach at the university Bill O'Reilly attended. Astoundingly, this isn't something I put on my resume.

JustPixelz February 2, 2011 at 1:20 pm

You teach at "O'Reilly College of Journalisming"? GO PEABODIES!

randoracer February 2, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Liberty University, or Oral Roberts?

Jukesgrrl February 2, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Sorry, but the Catholics get credit for Bill-O. They probably get a chunk of his money, too, so he can have his loofah-sins erased with The Man Upstairs.

dyedwool February 2, 2011 at 9:05 pm

So do you proudly put University of Phoenix…the Harvard of the West!!! instead?

prommie February 2, 2011 at 1:06 pm

God made Bill, and thats why BIll knows he is special!

comrad_darkness February 2, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Religion, in a fucking, hard-coated, neatly succinct nutshell.

baconzgood February 2, 2011 at 2:23 pm

"Special"….I guess that's a nice way to put it.

dyedwool February 2, 2011 at 9:07 pm

Or so Trigg would have us believe.

Tundra Grifter February 2, 2011 at 1:06 pm

First of all, Pinhead, to the best of my knowledge (and the last time I checked) both Venus and Mars have a Sun. Actually, the same Sun we do.

And many planets in our solar system have a moon – heck, some have more than one.

As to Bull O'Really?'s big question, who put the person there who put up our Moon?

genxr February 2, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Looks like God likes Jupiter and Saturn WAY better than the Earth. Or maybe he got sick of watching us psychotic apes run around beating each other with clubs, and instead spends all his time putting moons up there. Kinda like that painter guy on PBS. Put a little moon here, put another one there, and maybe a nice round one right there…

Angry_Marmot February 2, 2011 at 1:42 pm
littlebigdaddy February 2, 2011 at 1:07 pm

All I know is that when it hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's amore. Wait, what?

FNMA February 2, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Happened to me once. Fucking tomato sauce burns like you wouldn't believe.

magic_titty February 2, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Bill O'Reilly thinks ocean water is blue.

OneDollarJuana February 2, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Actually, pure water is slightly blue.

ManchuCandidate February 2, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Goodnight moon
Goodnight Bill wondering about the moon
Goodnight Sexy Swedish Stewardesses
And the hummus loofa
Goodnight Bill's special sexual harrassment suit
Goodnight crazy eyes
Goodnight Faux Newzers
And goodnight mittens

CivicHoliday February 2, 2011 at 2:21 pm

I'm going to start reading that to my one year old at night.

Goodnight to the old man whispering "tush"

V572625694 February 2, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Don't tell Bill, but Mars has two moons! We're in trouble now! And Jupiter — don't get me started!

JustPixelz February 2, 2011 at 1:16 pm

And then there's the Tides.

BarryOPotter February 2, 2011 at 3:24 pm

You don't need to tell the inhabitants of Io about tides!

SorosBot February 2, 2011 at 1:09 pm

If Bill gets caught between the Moon and New York City, what's the best that he can do?

DeeJayKitteh February 2, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Stay there. Forever.

DoktorZoom February 2, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Fall in Loofah.

Angry_Marmot February 2, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Or an open manhole.

CapeClod February 2, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Listen to mawkish top 40 sung by a fat man with a high voice.

Left_Leftie February 3, 2011 at 1:39 am

Crazy but true: He's ask "How'd I get here?"

LiveToServeYa February 2, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Bill O'Reilly is, himself, a good argument in favor of atheism: because a benevolent God would not wish him on the universe.

genxr February 2, 2011 at 1:19 pm

He's a better argument for Cthulu.

proudgrampa February 2, 2011 at 3:52 pm

Hell, B O is a good argument for retroactive abortion.

prommie February 3, 2011 at 11:38 am

Or at least a 180th trimester abortion.

SmutBoffin February 2, 2011 at 1:10 pm

This is actually kind of genius, in a retarded way. Some nerd night say "Well, the moon is a large chunk of the earth that split off following a collision by a comet or somesuch…". Billy would respond to that by increasing the scope of his question even further to include, I dunno, the solar system. GOTCHA PINHEADS YOU CANT EXPLAIN EVERYTHING, EVERYWHERE, EVERYWHEN SIMULTANEOUSLY

But you can.

What Billy doesn't know is that the various well-known physical laws provide matter the capability to self-organize at all length scales. Whether it be the spontaneous assembly of complex biomolecules from simpler precursors in water, or the clustering of stars or galaxies during the early stages of the universe there are rules involved. Relatively simple ones at that.

No magic necessary, pinhead.

magic_titty February 2, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Bill's response to SmutBoffin: "Pics or it didn't happen."

elviouslyqueer February 2, 2011 at 1:18 pm

"Big Bang or GTFO," also.

sezme February 2, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Oh yeah? Who made da rules den?

SmutBoffin February 2, 2011 at 3:27 pm

He who has da gold.

V572625694 February 2, 2011 at 4:48 pm

So you're saying that "science" is not a finished body of knowledge or a collection of test tubes, but an approach, a way of thinking constantly open to new ideas and better explanations of observable phenomena, even if the new explanations upset the old certainties? That even the Ptolemaic universe worked to the extent it was useful for predicting eclipses, although based on what now seem like fantasies? Are you saying the science is essentially an open-minded approach, then, as opposed to the received dogma of organized religion which cannot accept alternative explanations?

And are you saying that the argument "everything had to be created by something" falls apart if you ask, "Who created the Creator?"

That kind of thinking is dangerous, you know.

SmutBoffin February 2, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Bill seems to be just invoking different phenomena, expecting that, at some point, his critics will have to say "Well, I dunno the explanation of that one…". This is the point at which Bill "wins" the argument, because his weird god lives in these gaps.

There are things, of course, that we do not know. But we have good scientific principles that allow us to pass from general ideas (gravity and the organization of extra-solar matter) to specific instances (why our Earth has a moon and another planet doesn't).

Science, as in the structured observation and reduction to general principles of the behavior of our universe, has explanatory power. Bill can assert that certain principles (god) underly everything, but the only way he can connect them to specific phenomena is by his crazy loofah-imagination, not any real observation.

SorosBot February 2, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Oh, he also asks why we have a moon and Mars doesn't. Bill, Mars has two.

DoktorZoom February 2, 2011 at 1:32 pm

My guess is that he really wants to know why they don't have oceans, and hence, tides.

Motherfuckin' astronomy, how does it work?

SorosBot February 2, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Well see Bill, we know Mars had liquid water in the past but now it's too cold and all the water is frozen; the prevailing theory is that this due to Mars' loss of its' magnetic field, which…

Oh wait, you don't really care about the answer to these question, or the even fact that they have already been answered; you're just trying to score a rhetorical point with your drooling idiot fanbase, who don't know that astronomers have already figured a lot of this stuff out.

Gleem_McShineys February 2, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Yeah, well, who made me ignorant of facts, then? HUH?? GOD, THAT'S WHO!

undeterredbyreality February 2, 2011 at 1:10 pm

The thermos: keeps hot things hot, cold things cold: how do it know?

genxr February 2, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Fucking McDLT, how does that work?

e_z February 2, 2011 at 1:54 pm

lol….good one

ShaveTheWhales February 2, 2011 at 2:33 pm

The Shadow do.

LionelHutzEsq February 2, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Jesus.

Crank_Tango February 2, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Hide yer tides, hide yer kids, hide yer tides, hide yer kids!
Da moon's rapin errbody up in here!

JustPixelz February 2, 2011 at 1:15 pm

He should ask Glenn Beck. I'll bet the Tides Foundation has something to do with it.

Pop_Socket February 2, 2011 at 1:53 pm

My only regret is that I can only upthumb this once.

LionelHutzEsq February 2, 2011 at 3:02 pm

From little ACORNS do full Moons grow..

HolyMaracas February 2, 2011 at 1:16 pm

"Fuck it(the moon)! We'll do it live! We'll do it live!!!"

OneYieldRegular February 2, 2011 at 1:17 pm

This really gives you a taste of the kind of crap Galileo probably had to endure at his trial.

genxr February 2, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Imagine if Galileo had to contend with Fox News. We'd still be watching the sun go round the earth.

comrad_darkness February 2, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Imagine O'Reilly with a 007 style license to burn people he disliked at the stake along with a warehouse full of kindling and equally sheeple-like followers to carry said kindling. THEN you get an idea what Galileo had to contend with.

SorosBot February 2, 2011 at 2:02 pm

At least Galileo got to live, unlike Bruno a few years before:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giordano_Bruno

freakishlywrong February 2, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Billo both sucks AND blows. Ignorance and smugness make for one unsightly mother fucker. Spin that. Asshole.

Buckminster February 2, 2011 at 1:17 pm

It's because of fractals.

occams8ball February 2, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Fucking Harvard. And to think I almost went there.

LionelHutzEsq February 2, 2011 at 1:52 pm

I'm thinking that they might want to ask for their diploma back.

jakegittes February 2, 2011 at 6:24 pm

How did O"reilly get dere?

genxr February 2, 2011 at 1:21 pm

It's simple Bill. Whenever you see something you don't understand, just say "Gravity did it." Judging from your track record, you'd probably be right more often than now.

LionelHutzEsq February 2, 2011 at 1:21 pm

So, we can all agree that Bill doesn't have time to watch PBS, Discovery, TLC or the History Channel. That would explain why he thought American troops slaughter SS troops in WWII at Malmedy.

ManchuCandidate February 2, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Haha. Naw. It seems you haven't watched recent Discovery TLC or History because it would actually be: US American Jeebus slaughtering Nazee Ghosts and Vampires at a Pawn Shop guest starring Kate and 20 other baby cannons.

genxr February 2, 2011 at 1:31 pm

TLC is where I go to see drunk celebreties.

user-of-owls February 2, 2011 at 1:45 pm

"Tonight on the History Channel: Secrets of Hitler's Underpants, Part 47."

Rotundo_ February 2, 2011 at 2:02 pm

I know the theme song for this one!
Hitler they say has just one ball…

VinnyThePooh February 2, 2011 at 1:21 pm

That's no moon. It's a space station.

Preferred Customer February 2, 2011 at 5:14 pm

It would not surprise me if the Lord that O'Reilly prays to is really named Vader.

Dudleydidwrong February 2, 2011 at 10:30 pm

No. Look carefully. It is the Tea Party Death Star.

gvvt February 2, 2011 at 11:58 pm

Death Tea Party Star
Death Party Tea Star

mereoblivion February 2, 2011 at 1:22 pm

What is this dee-uh-dee of which bill speaks, which it takes so much faith to not believe in? 'Cause if that's all faith means, I got enuf faith to stretch from here to bill's moon and back.

sportshort February 2, 2011 at 1:23 pm

God made everything until Heaven decided to outsource to India. Now God doesn't have much to do except fuck with Bill O'Reilly.

SayItWithWookies February 2, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Some girl I was seeing, in a fit of mistaken romanticism, once remarked on the strange set of circumstances that had to occur to result in our meeting one another. I said, "Yeah, considering how improbable that was, it's amazing anybody meets anyone else at all." We didn't date for much longer after that.

Zvi_Bleindmeis February 2, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Shorter version: Rarities are commonplace.

LionelHutzEsq February 2, 2011 at 3:04 pm

So you are saying she is available?

natoslug February 2, 2011 at 5:25 pm

And if available, what's the consensus on her blowing me?

prommie February 2, 2011 at 3:33 pm

What with the chances being so infinitesimal, its amazing anything ever happens at all. Unfortunately, its an inverse premise derived from this logic that is behind our legal system's false premise that someone should be blamed, and punished, for everything that ever happens.

Ambrose Bierce, The Devils Dictionary: "accident: the inevitable result of the ordinary workings of the laws of physics."

LionelHutzEsq February 2, 2011 at 3:56 pm

I always liked Douglas Adams take on this: Given that the Universe is so immensely huge, and the number of inhabitants is very small, any person you meet is the product of a deranged imagination.

ttommyunger February 2, 2011 at 1:28 pm

The absolute width and breadth of this person's wrong-headedness reminds me of every Rightard I ever had the poor judgement to try to reason with; a practice I have pretty much forgone at this point in my life. I would either have to punch him in the larynx immediately and without warning or walk briskly away, or best of all, both.

gvvt February 2, 2011 at 11:56 pm

Maximum violence immediately.

ttommyunger February 3, 2011 at 11:08 am

In a perfect world-absoutely!

OneDollarJuana February 2, 2011 at 1:28 pm

I tell ya, it takes more faith to believe that the Earth isn't flat than to believe that yes, ships fall off the edge and if you dig deep enough in Bill-o's back yard you'll hit China, where they all stand on their heads because it's on the bottom of the world and that if a tree falls in the forest and Bill-o isn't around to hear it it didn't happen and who gives a fuck, anyway?

weejee February 2, 2011 at 1:28 pm

See the light Bill
del dot E = 4πρ ………get charged up
del dot B = 0……………none monopoles
del cross E = -∂B/∂t……………one goes up the other down
del cross B = ∂E/∂t + J×4π….get the flux outa here Bill

Monsieur_Grumpe February 2, 2011 at 1:33 pm

I love it when you talk dirty.

SmutBoffin February 2, 2011 at 1:39 pm

I wonder if Maxwell or Faraday ever thought that the principles they discovered would be put to use in the manufacture of vibrators for television hosts to pleasure themselves with?

ShaveTheWhales February 2, 2011 at 2:36 pm

Wait, I thought the new scanners didn't emit radiation.

elviouslyqueer February 2, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Meh. Needs moar loofah.

weejee February 2, 2011 at 4:43 pm

But after you smear on some of old Wild Bill's home brew KY Jelly don't you just falafel. Andrea Mackris sure did.

not that Dewey February 3, 2011 at 11:34 am

Fuckin Gaussian units. D'ya think Bill understands Gaussian units?

weejee February 3, 2011 at 6:21 pm

It's rumored on the intertubes that Bill smokes them in his gold-plated hookah.

metamarcisf February 2, 2011 at 1:30 pm

And if it's possible, O'Reilly doesn't smell near as good as he looks, neither.

SmutBoffin February 2, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Ha! I gave you '-1' for that, cuz that's yr. thing.

widestanceroman February 2, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Any question about the moon that starts with 'who' and ends with 'up there' is not worth answering because the questioner is an idiot.

Oh, fuck it, Bill, sometimes, when Mr. Asteroid and Mrs. Planet love each other very much. . .

DoktorZoom February 2, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Hey, Bill!

"f I were to suggest that between the Earth and Mars there is a china teapot revolving about the sun in an elliptical orbit, nobody would be able to disprove my assertion provided I were careful to add that the teapot is too small to be revealed even by our most powerful telescopes. But if I were to go on to say that, since my assertion cannot be disproved, it is an intolerable presumption on the part of human reason to doubt it, I should rightly be thought to be talking nonsense. If, however, the existence of such a teapot were affirmed in ancient books, taught as the sacred truth every Sunday, and instilled into the minds of children at school, hesitation to believe in its existence would become a mark of eccentricity and entitle the doubter to the attentions of the psychiatrist in an enlightened age or of the Inquisitor in an earlier time." –Bertrand Russell, 1952.

How da teapot get there, Bill? Huh? Smart guy?

Science: It's just desperate.

ShaveTheWhales February 2, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Tea goes in, pee comes out.

JoshuaNorton February 2, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Geez. It's like listening to a self-important 8 year old lecturing a NASA scientist on how to identify Jupiter.

LionelHutzEsq February 2, 2011 at 3:05 pm

It's been circumcised, right?

BaldarTFlagass February 2, 2011 at 1:35 pm

"brushed past" doesn't really answer the question: did you actually touch him? AAAAAIIIIIEEEEE! Fox Cooties! But if it was years ago, I guess you cheated death derangement, anyway.

Terry February 2, 2011 at 1:41 pm

He got out of a black towncar that pulled up to the curb in front of a private club, then stopped in the middle of the sidewalk to chit chat. There was minor contact, but I think I really only touched his topcoat, which explains my largely intact sanity today.

Rotundo_ February 2, 2011 at 1:58 pm

You poor thing, bumping into Fox hosts is a very traumatic thing. One of the risks of living in their native habitat. I do hope you have had counseling, or barring that, a well stocked bar.

BarryOPotter February 2, 2011 at 3:26 pm

…I think I really only touched his topcoat

Be glad you didn't penetrate it and end up with his gooey center on your hands! Whew! That was close.

NewtsChicknNeck February 2, 2011 at 1:35 pm

a bill o'reilly "premium member"? i'm sorry but internettin' budget is dominated by subscriptions to loofah porn sites. i'm not shelling out $30 for premium anything that doesn't answer the question "how'd the loofah get dere?"

FNMA February 2, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Bill O'Reilly? "Premium member"?
I think not, what with all the over-compensating…

GeorgiaBurning February 2, 2011 at 1:35 pm

"Bill O'Reilly explains the meaning of the universe." Hmm, Rupert Murdoch's masters in Beijing have a very warped sense of humor, could they please help out "Saturday Night Live"?

SayItWithWookies February 2, 2011 at 1:36 pm

That old devil muon.

DoktorZoom February 2, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Hey, you see that Moon? No, that one, there.

Monsieur_Grumpe February 2, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Bill is debating a camera and he lost.
What a fucking chicken shit gravy sucking coward.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 2, 2011 at 1:43 pm

And the strong nuclear force is actually just Jesus hugging all the atomic nuclei really tightly.

mavenmaven February 2, 2011 at 1:44 pm

The intricacies of the human condition, like cancer in children, for example. Proves to me that God was born in Judea and killed for our sins generated by a naked man eating a fruit.

RedneckMuslin February 2, 2011 at 1:44 pm

So how'd O'Riley get dere? Huh? Where'd he come from, Big Shot?

FNMA February 2, 2011 at 2:20 pm

See, when a man loves a loofah…or a falafel. Either one.

whiterabid February 2, 2011 at 1:44 pm

If the night is cloudy, how do you know the moon is in the sky unless you have faith? How about it, pihnheads.

nounverb911 February 2, 2011 at 1:45 pm

The moon is a billboard for Alwaleed's Falafel stand.

DerrickWildcat February 2, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Oh yeah, well explain this one brainiacs, pull a tissue out of the box and another one immediately pops up to take its place. So how does that happen? Nobody really knows. IT JUST DOES! THAT'S THE WAY IT'S ALWAYS BEEN!

OneDollarJuana February 2, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Well, that's the way it's always been for 6000 years. Before that, of course, nothing but God.

imissopus February 2, 2011 at 1:50 pm

I don't know that anyone has been attacking Bill. Mocking the living shit out of him for being a dunderheaded self-righteous gibbering ignoramus with the intellectual curiosity of a five-year-old, yes. But attacking?

Asa_Hawks February 2, 2011 at 1:51 pm

If the existence of tides proves that God exists, then the existence of Bill O'Reilly proves that the Devil is very real, and plays an active role in human affairs.

Pop_Socket February 2, 2011 at 1:55 pm

It's turtles all the way down.

genxr February 2, 2011 at 4:07 pm

And moons all the way up

BTWBFDIMHO February 2, 2011 at 1:56 pm

How come we have the Rev. Moon here and Mars doesn't have any?

e_z February 2, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Bill, a phone, a loofah and Sailor Moon, a complex love triangle, how dat happin'?

Panty_Buns February 2, 2011 at 1:59 pm

The moon got thrown out there accidentally when the solar system slipped in the shower while it was attempting to use a falafel and a vibrator.

SorosBot February 2, 2011 at 2:07 pm

That's no moon, it's a space station!

Schmegeg February 2, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Well, WHO MADE the planetoid sized object that crashed into the earth and resulted in the formation of the moon?

baconzgood February 2, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Keep diggin' Bill. You'll get out of that hole eventually.

CreepyPete February 2, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Hey, Bill. Maybe Andrea Mackris put the moon there. Maybe?

i_like_tigers February 2, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Moon, spoon, you're a goon.

GortRay February 2, 2011 at 2:53 pm

The great Ameritard celebration of ignorance continues unabated. Their fact deflection shield is working perfectly.

LionelHutzEsq February 2, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Well, we know he likes to shower.

foog February 2, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Insane Fox Posse?

Ducksworthy February 2, 2011 at 3:14 pm

So what holds up the earth then ma'm? "A turtle." And what's holding up the turtle. "Turtles. Turtles. Its turtles all the way down." Whether this is good or bad is not important. What's important is that schizophrenics have a structure in which they can believe.

BklynIlluminati February 2, 2011 at 3:25 pm

Everyone knows it's God's cue ball, stupid Bill. do I have to explain why the earth is friggin flat too? Your such a moran Bill

prommie February 2, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Hey, has anyone told him that "the sun is a mass of incandescent gas, a gigantic nuclear furnace, where hydrogen is turned into helium at a temperature of millions of degrees?"

genxr February 2, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state,
Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started. Wait…
The Earth began to cool,
The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools,
And they all got shows on Fox News

SenileAgitation February 2, 2011 at 4:37 pm

I doubt it, I don't think Billo tunes into the leftist PBS-style propaganda programming that produced that wonderful fact-based tune.

thebeatgoeson08 February 2, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Actually, the Sun is a Miasma of Incandescent Plasma
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLkGSV9WDMA

But the first song is infinitely catchier.

DangerHelvetica February 2, 2011 at 3:31 pm

I look forward to Glenn Beck's explanation, where he describes how the Freemasons and the FEMA in 1962 created an illusionary moon with a giant projector array which activates the lycanthrope virus.

genxr February 2, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Stop! You're scaring the bunny!

seppdecker February 2, 2011 at 3:50 pm

Bill's along with a webcam (or an unpaid assistant to work the webcam) and his strategy is still to shout, bully and cut off the opposition, profound silence in this case.

Moran.

oldmoose February 2, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Fuckin' magnets, how do they work?

PublicLuxury February 2, 2011 at 4:16 pm

The moon is bothering him. Hmmmm, Wait until he sees a tree seemingly growing out if a rock. How did it git dere?

__kth__ February 2, 2011 at 4:27 pm

holy shit, Billo has blown the lid off. Not only do scientists not know how the moon came to orbit the earth, the question itself never even occurred to them.

forgracie February 2, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Brian Greene, meet my new tard friend Bill O'Reilly.

Preferred Customer February 2, 2011 at 5:17 pm

"Fucking orbits. How do they work?"

–God

SheriffRoscoe February 2, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Ask my grandma, Bill. She thinks I hung the moon.

Karma_Suture February 2, 2011 at 5:54 pm

How'd your dick get dere?
How'd your dick get there?
Answer that.
How'd your dick get there?
And your balls?
How'd de get dere?
How'd de GET dere?
Dick goes up. Dick goes down.
How's that happen?
Men have dicks, women don't.
Why don't women have dicks and men do?
How dat happen?
You tell me.

JackObin February 2, 2011 at 6:09 pm

How did the moon get there? Why, Rupert Murdoch and the baby Jesus put it there, in order to make silly American halfwits swoon at Glen Beck.

Karma_Suture February 2, 2011 at 6:20 pm

A hundred years ago that boy would have died in a gunfight before he could reproduce…..
Ah… the good ol' days.

jakegittes February 2, 2011 at 6:24 pm

Was that an Auto Tune The News video?

DoktorZoom February 2, 2011 at 6:32 pm

I'm pretty sure that was Franklin with the beer quote. Or maybe it was Mencken, and it's been attributed to Franklin due to the Twain/Churchill/Carlin Misattribution Principle (any witty line will inevitably be attributed to someone who is famous for witty sayings, regardless of whether they actually said it).

Incidentally, I'm quite sure that rule was made up by Stephen Wright.

prommie February 3, 2011 at 11:36 am

yeah, but in the morning, I'll still be drunk, so take that.

pdiddycornchips February 2, 2011 at 7:32 pm

Maybe the moon was kicked out of earth for trying give its citizens health thus taking away their freedom?

RowdyRacer February 2, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Riddle me this, Billo – God made the moon, the sun, etc., etc. without anyone bankrolling his program. Nowadays, he(He) can't make a goddamned thing unless someone writes him(Him) a check…

dyedwool February 2, 2011 at 9:16 pm

Hold up. When you say "brushed past…" Was this with your bare hands? Or with some sort of bath brushing implement? Say…A LOOFAH?!

BZ1 February 2, 2011 at 10:48 pm

As Sarah would say, Here's the dildo!"

gvvt February 2, 2011 at 11:52 pm

Logical refutation by infantile regress.

Negropolis February 3, 2011 at 1:20 am

Online hecklers are the best hecklers. Bill "Get Off My Lawn" O'Reilly, you are a national treasure.

Negropolis February 3, 2011 at 1:22 am

You know the answer to the Theory of Everything? Jesus; Jesus + Nothing.

Gleem_McShineys February 3, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Here's how it works, Bill:

See, you take a planet, and a comet that's pretty much caught in the planet's gravitational field, ok? I mean, it can't get away.

Then the planet starts making unwanted sexual advances, late night dirty phone calls, and somehow dildoes are involved. Pretty soon, BAM, this massive settlement / scandal forever orbits the gross old planet, forever.

Dat's who put the moon dere, your old lecherous self. Clear?

Karlmarxlone February 11, 2011 at 11:47 pm

I dunno how the moon got there, but I know it's made of loufa Bill.

dyedwool February 2, 2011 at 8:52 pm

A flaming bag of poo…ANYWHERE ELSE…would be more coherent than a flaming bag of poo at Fox News.

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