the answer man

Hey Idiots, Can You Tell Bill O’Reilly Who Put the Moon Up There?

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Okay, wise guys, Bill O’Reilly heard the Internet snickering when he debuted his “Tide Goes In, Tide Goes Out” catchphrase last month, showing the world he doesn’t know how ocean tides happen. Alright, so you think the Moon is doing this. O’Reilly has a response: “How da Moon get dere?” AIRTIGHT ARGUMENT, SIR.

For anyone who believes that in a giant sprawling universe, there’s a pretty good chance intelligent life will randomly come together somewhere, please read the following lines of text:

How da Moon get dere?
How da Moon get dere?
How da Moon get dere?
How da Moon get dere?
How da Moon get dere?
How da Sun get dere?
How da Moon get dere?
How da Moon get dere?
How dit get dere?

See, now you believe in God. It was so desperate of you to think you were made of the things you see around you rather than fucking magic. Because fucking magic is the obvious cause of all things.

(As we all know, the Moon was put there by the NASA, who made a fake moon so we could land on it. It was all staged!) [Videogum]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • chascates

    Moon goes up, moon stays up.

    • iburl

      Dildo goes Up, Bill gets off.
      Felafal rubs you, you get off.

  • DashboardBuddha

    I got the sun in the morning and the moon at night.

    • JustPixelz

      And Fox News 24×7.

    • Mahousu

      Do you know that the moon sometimes appears in the daytime? It's true! Science has no explanation for this amazing phenomenon.

      • SayItWithWookies

        Okay smartypants — if that's true, then why doesn't the sun appear at night? Huh? Huh?!

        • superburrito

          Sometime the sun goes round the moon? Sometimes the snow comes down in June?

      • Jukesgrrl

        It's there, it just has a blue dot over its face.

  • polisurgist

    Poor Mars, it has no sun.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Oh Bill, please never change. They're so cute at that age.

  • PocketsTheClown

    ITS A SERIES OF TUBES… er sry rong thred

    • LionelHutzEsq


  • hagajim

    I thought that Mrs. O'Leary's cow put it there – to jump over…no wait…wrong cow.

    • MildMidwesterner

      Fires + the Moon = the Sun

      • genxr

        Fires + the Moon = Caliphate of New China

  • Barbara_i

    I dunno, better question is why Bill 'O is so annoying to Uranus. (and 99.9% of Earth)

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Now, be fair, Bill is perfectly willing to clean Uranus with a loofah.

  • SorosBot

    Can someone teach Bill to use google? The moon got there early in our solar system's history when the Earth was hit by a stray planet, probably about the size of Mars, causing Earth to re-liquefy and knocking a lot of material out of the planet; there was for a time blobs of magma orbiting each other, but over millions of years the stray material cooled back into rock as gravity pulled it into a sphere shape, which also happened to the bulk of the Earth. I didn't even have to look this up, Bill, it's not exactly uncommon knowledge.

    • Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

      Boo! Go peddle your facts somewhere else, Learny McBookerton. We don't need 'em here, and we don't want 'em here, and we ain't gonna have 'em here. So there!

    • PsycWench

      To which Bill would reply "How do you know? Were you there?"

    • genxr

      Exactly. Magic.

    • mereoblivion

      Oh, yeah? How'd google get there?

      • imissopus

        Search terms go in, links come out. AND YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT!

    • Sharkey

      How'd the stray planet get there? Huh? How'd it get there?

      • Sue4466

        And, who kicked the stray planet into the earth to make the moon? No answer to that!

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Yes, if you are willing to accept the Socialistic explanation.

      And, anyway, since when have facts been important to anyone on FOX News?

    • GeoatBeck

      Plausible but hardly fact. Which stray planet was this? Who tossed the planet or mass? Funny how some take there theories as fact and facts as theories. Not even your Richard Dawkins will say 100% there is no GOD. Check his interview with Ben Stein.

  • Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

    And while we're on the subject, who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp?

    Answer that, atheists!

    • prommie

      Same guy what wrote The Book of Love.

      • Moonbat

        Burt Bachrach?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      More importantly, who put the Rahm in the rahmalamadingdong?

      • Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

        The Illinois Supreme Court.

    • PocketsTheClown

      You know who else wants to bomp Iran..

    • ManchuCandidate

      The same Gravity and Thermo elves I mentioned earlier.

    • DoktorZoom

      Carnak the Magnificent (holding envelope to head): An adult male sheep, a baby sheep, and Bill O'Reilly.

      Ed: OK…adult male sheep, baby sheep, and Bill O'Reilly.

      Carnak (Opens envelope, reads): What is, A Ram, a Lamb, a Ding-Dong?

      Ed: Hey-ooooooooo!

      • Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

        You are SO followed now.

    • baconzgood

      Well played Applesause.

  • donner_froh

    "How did the moon get there? How did the sun get there? Can you explain that to me?"

    No. It is impossible to explain anything to a drunken, self-satisfied asshole who already knows the answers to everything.

    The only answer to O'Reilly asking to have something explained to him is: "Eat shit and die."

  • MadBrahms

    "Actually, Bill, the moon was most likely produced when another planetary body, perhaps Mars, collided with the earth, causing a massive ejection of materi- you're not listening, are you? Bill, could you take your fingers out of your ears? Oh, that's very mature."

    • OneDollarJuana

      That wasn't in Bible, so it didn't happen.

    • GeoatBeck

      "most likely produced when another planetary body"

      I thought fact meant something else.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    So, according to Bill O'Reilly, God is mooning us?

    • elviouslyqueer

      God is mooning us,
      God is mooning us,
      God is mooning uuuuuuuuuuuuus,
      From a distance.

      • Barbara_i

        Yes, God is "pressing ham" on the Hubble Telescope nightly. He also left a whole lot of flaming bags of poo on the Fox News.

        • Angry_Marmot

          Which were immediately signed to three-year contracts.

          • LionelHutzEsq

            Well, the flaming bag of poo would be more coherent than Glenn Beck.

          • dyedwool

            A flaming bag of poo…ANYWHERE ELSE…would be more coherent than a flaming bag of poo at Fox News.

      • SorosBot

        What if god was mooning us; his flabby ass like one of us?

  • DerrickWildcat

    Hate to say this, but O'Reilly wins this one.
    Bill can come up with more idiotic questions than you can answers.
    "Why doesn't the MOON HAVE A MOON?"
    "How do the pinheads know that the Sun has a creamy milk chocolate center? They've never landed on the Sun so how do they know?"

  • Buzz Feedback

    The moon got there on a giant, Morton Thiokol-powered loofah.

    • Sparky_McGruff

      God did it live!

    • BarryOPotter

      When the O-rings were still made with care…

  • GregComlish

    O'Reilley's on to something: Just keep asking "Why?" When somebody answers your question you just hit 'em with another "Why?" The man is a rhetorical genius!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Isn't that the interrogatory technique of, like, a 5-year-old? Oh, yeah.

      • LionelHutzEsq

        I was going to say that it works great for my five-year-old niece.

        • Gleem_McShineys


    • HistoriCat

      I'd rather hit O'Reilly with a hammer than a question.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'm still trying to get past why the sky is blue.

    • V572625694

      The Cuckoo's Egg, no?

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Because it reflects the sea.

    • comrad_darkness

      You might start with wavelength of light and the various bending thereof by the atmosphere. You get a bonus realization for why sunsets are orange too, and why the higher the particulate content, the oranger.

    • BarryOPotter

      Why is the sky blue? Because it's sad that it can't come down and play with you.

      • dyedwool

        Because it's sad that you (Bill O.) are an incorrigible idiot. With a TV slot. Who gets PAID to spew this crap.

    • Gleem_McShineys

      Of course, the correct answer: Jesus!

      • FraAnima

        …riding a dinosaur.

    • glamourdammerung

      I do not know, but Sarah Palin is the real victim here. Why do you keep picking on her?

  • ifthethunderdontgetya

    I could last 19 seconds of the stuck-up, overpaid, hypocritical freak.

    Fuck you Rupert Murdoch, and all of your giant sucking asshole employees.

  • jerry_dixon

    I teach at the university Bill O'Reilly attended. Astoundingly, this isn't something I put on my resume.

    • JustPixelz

      You teach at "O'Reilly College of Journalisming"? GO PEABODIES!

    • randoracer

      Liberty University, or Oral Roberts?

      • Jukesgrrl

        Sorry, but the Catholics get credit for Bill-O. They probably get a chunk of his money, too, so he can have his loofah-sins erased with The Man Upstairs.

    • dyedwool

      So do you proudly put University of Phoenix…the Harvard of the West!!! instead?

  • prommie

    God made Bill, and thats why BIll knows he is special!

    • comrad_darkness

      Religion, in a fucking, hard-coated, neatly succinct nutshell.

    • baconzgood

      "Special"….I guess that's a nice way to put it.

      • dyedwool

        Or so Trigg would have us believe.

  • Tundra Grifter

    First of all, Pinhead, to the best of my knowledge (and the last time I checked) both Venus and Mars have a Sun. Actually, the same Sun we do.

    And many planets in our solar system have a moon – heck, some have more than one.

    As to Bull O'Really?'s big question, who put the person there who put up our Moon?

    • genxr

      Looks like God likes Jupiter and Saturn WAY better than the Earth. Or maybe he got sick of watching us psychotic apes run around beating each other with clubs, and instead spends all his time putting moons up there. Kinda like that painter guy on PBS. Put a little moon here, put another one there, and maybe a nice round one right there…

  • littlebigdaddy

    All I know is that when it hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's amore. Wait, what?

    • FNMA

      Happened to me once. Fucking tomato sauce burns like you wouldn't believe.

  • magic_titty

    Bill O'Reilly thinks ocean water is blue.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Actually, pure water is slightly blue.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Goodnight moon
    Goodnight Bill wondering about the moon
    Goodnight Sexy Swedish Stewardesses
    And the hummus loofa
    Goodnight Bill's special sexual harrassment suit
    Goodnight crazy eyes
    Goodnight Faux Newzers
    And goodnight mittens

    • CivicHoliday

      I'm going to start reading that to my one year old at night.

      Goodnight to the old man whispering "tush"

  • V572625694

    Don't tell Bill, but Mars has two moons! We're in trouble now! And Jupiter — don't get me started!

    • JustPixelz

      And then there's the Tides.

      • BarryOPotter

        You don't need to tell the inhabitants of Io about tides!

  • SorosBot

    If Bill gets caught between the Moon and New York City, what's the best that he can do?

    • DeeJayKitteh

      Stay there. Forever.

    • DoktorZoom

      Fall in Loofah.

      • Angry_Marmot

        Or an open manhole.

    • CapeClod

      Listen to mawkish top 40 sung by a fat man with a high voice.

    • Left_Leftie

      Crazy but true: He's ask "How'd I get here?"

  • LiveToServeYa

    Bill O'Reilly is, himself, a good argument in favor of atheism: because a benevolent God would not wish him on the universe.

    • genxr

      He's a better argument for Cthulu.

    • proudgrampa

      Hell, B O is a good argument for retroactive abortion.

      • prommie

        Or at least a 180th trimester abortion.

  • SmutBoffin

    This is actually kind of genius, in a retarded way. Some nerd night say "Well, the moon is a large chunk of the earth that split off following a collision by a comet or somesuch…". Billy would respond to that by increasing the scope of his question even further to include, I dunno, the solar system. GOTCHA PINHEADS YOU CANT EXPLAIN EVERYTHING, EVERYWHERE, EVERYWHEN SIMULTANEOUSLY

    But you can.

    What Billy doesn't know is that the various well-known physical laws provide matter the capability to self-organize at all length scales. Whether it be the spontaneous assembly of complex biomolecules from simpler precursors in water, or the clustering of stars or galaxies during the early stages of the universe there are rules involved. Relatively simple ones at that.

    No magic necessary, pinhead.

    • magic_titty

      Bill's response to SmutBoffin: "Pics or it didn't happen."

      • elviouslyqueer

        "Big Bang or GTFO," also.

    • sezme

      Oh yeah? Who made da rules den?

      • SmutBoffin

        He who has da gold.

    • V572625694

      So you're saying that "science" is not a finished body of knowledge or a collection of test tubes, but an approach, a way of thinking constantly open to new ideas and better explanations of observable phenomena, even if the new explanations upset the old certainties? That even the Ptolemaic universe worked to the extent it was useful for predicting eclipses, although based on what now seem like fantasies? Are you saying the science is essentially an open-minded approach, then, as opposed to the received dogma of organized religion which cannot accept alternative explanations?

      And are you saying that the argument "everything had to be created by something" falls apart if you ask, "Who created the Creator?"

      That kind of thinking is dangerous, you know.

      • SmutBoffin

        Bill seems to be just invoking different phenomena, expecting that, at some point, his critics will have to say "Well, I dunno the explanation of that one…". This is the point at which Bill "wins" the argument, because his weird god lives in these gaps.

        There are things, of course, that we do not know. But we have good scientific principles that allow us to pass from general ideas (gravity and the organization of extra-solar matter) to specific instances (why our Earth has a moon and another planet doesn't).

        Science, as in the structured observation and reduction to general principles of the behavior of our universe, has explanatory power. Bill can assert that certain principles (god) underly everything, but the only way he can connect them to specific phenomena is by his crazy loofah-imagination, not any real observation.

  • SorosBot

    Oh, he also asks why we have a moon and Mars doesn't. Bill, Mars has two.

    • DoktorZoom

      My guess is that he really wants to know why they don't have oceans, and hence, tides.

      Motherfuckin' astronomy, how does it work?

      • SorosBot

        Well see Bill, we know Mars had liquid water in the past but now it's too cold and all the water is frozen; the prevailing theory is that this due to Mars' loss of its' magnetic field, which…

        Oh wait, you don't really care about the answer to these question, or the even fact that they have already been answered; you're just trying to score a rhetorical point with your drooling idiot fanbase, who don't know that astronomers have already figured a lot of this stuff out.

    • Gleem_McShineys

      Yeah, well, who made me ignorant of facts, then? HUH?? GOD, THAT'S WHO!

  • undeterredbyreality

    The thermos: keeps hot things hot, cold things cold: how do it know?

    • genxr

      Fucking McDLT, how does that work?

    • e_z

      lol….good one

    • ShaveTheWhales

      The Shadow do.

    • LionelHutzEsq


  • Crank_Tango

    Hide yer tides, hide yer kids, hide yer tides, hide yer kids!
    Da moon's rapin errbody up in here!

  • JustPixelz

    He should ask Glenn Beck. I'll bet the Tides Foundation has something to do with it.

    • Pop_Socket

      My only regret is that I can only upthumb this once.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      From little ACORNS do full Moons grow..

  • HolyMaracas

    "Fuck it(the moon)! We'll do it live! We'll do it live!!!"

  • OneYieldRegular

    This really gives you a taste of the kind of crap Galileo probably had to endure at his trial.

    • genxr

      Imagine if Galileo had to contend with Fox News. We'd still be watching the sun go round the earth.

    • comrad_darkness

      Imagine O'Reilly with a 007 style license to burn people he disliked at the stake along with a warehouse full of kindling and equally sheeple-like followers to carry said kindling. THEN you get an idea what Galileo had to contend with.

  • freakishlywrong

    Billo both sucks AND blows. Ignorance and smugness make for one unsightly mother fucker. Spin that. Asshole.

  • Buckminster

    It's because of fractals.

  • occams8ball

    Fucking Harvard. And to think I almost went there.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      I'm thinking that they might want to ask for their diploma back.

    • jakegittes

      How did O"reilly get dere?

  • genxr

    It's simple Bill. Whenever you see something you don't understand, just say "Gravity did it." Judging from your track record, you'd probably be right more often than now.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    So, we can all agree that Bill doesn't have time to watch PBS, Discovery, TLC or the History Channel. That would explain why he thought American troops slaughter SS troops in WWII at Malmedy.

    • ManchuCandidate

      Haha. Naw. It seems you haven't watched recent Discovery TLC or History because it would actually be: US American Jeebus slaughtering Nazee Ghosts and Vampires at a Pawn Shop guest starring Kate and 20 other baby cannons.

      • genxr

        TLC is where I go to see drunk celebreties.

    • user-of-owls

      "Tonight on the History Channel: Secrets of Hitler's Underpants, Part 47."

      • Rotundo_

        I know the theme song for this one!
        Hitler they say has just one ball…

  • VinnyThePooh

    That's no moon. It's a space station.

    • Preferred Customer

      It would not surprise me if the Lord that O'Reilly prays to is really named Vader.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      No. Look carefully. It is the Tea Party Death Star.

      • gvvt

        Death Tea Party Star
        Death Party Tea Star

  • mereoblivion

    What is this dee-uh-dee of which bill speaks, which it takes so much faith to not believe in? 'Cause if that's all faith means, I got enuf faith to stretch from here to bill's moon and back.

  • sportshort

    God made everything until Heaven decided to outsource to India. Now God doesn't have much to do except fuck with Bill O'Reilly.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Some girl I was seeing, in a fit of mistaken romanticism, once remarked on the strange set of circumstances that had to occur to result in our meeting one another. I said, "Yeah, considering how improbable that was, it's amazing anybody meets anyone else at all." We didn't date for much longer after that.

    • Zvi_Bleindmeis

      Shorter version: Rarities are commonplace.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      So you are saying she is available?

      • natoslug

        And if available, what's the consensus on her blowing me?

    • prommie

      What with the chances being so infinitesimal, its amazing anything ever happens at all. Unfortunately, its an inverse premise derived from this logic that is behind our legal system's false premise that someone should be blamed, and punished, for everything that ever happens.

      Ambrose Bierce, The Devils Dictionary: "accident: the inevitable result of the ordinary workings of the laws of physics."

      • LionelHutzEsq

        I always liked Douglas Adams take on this: Given that the Universe is so immensely huge, and the number of inhabitants is very small, any person you meet is the product of a deranged imagination.

  • ttommyunger

    The absolute width and breadth of this person's wrong-headedness reminds me of every Rightard I ever had the poor judgement to try to reason with; a practice I have pretty much forgone at this point in my life. I would either have to punch him in the larynx immediately and without warning or walk briskly away, or best of all, both.

    • gvvt

      Maximum violence immediately.

      • ttommyunger

        In a perfect world-absoutely!

  • OneDollarJuana

    I tell ya, it takes more faith to believe that the Earth isn't flat than to believe that yes, ships fall off the edge and if you dig deep enough in Bill-o's back yard you'll hit China, where they all stand on their heads because it's on the bottom of the world and that if a tree falls in the forest and Bill-o isn't around to hear it it didn't happen and who gives a fuck, anyway?

  • weejee

    See the light Bill
    del dot E = 4πρ ………get charged up
    del dot B = 0……………none monopoles
    del cross E = -∂B/∂t……………one goes up the other down
    del cross B = ∂E/∂t + J×4π….get the flux outa here Bill

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      I love it when you talk dirty.

    • SmutBoffin

      I wonder if Maxwell or Faraday ever thought that the principles they discovered would be put to use in the manufacture of vibrators for television hosts to pleasure themselves with?

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Wait, I thought the new scanners didn't emit radiation.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Meh. Needs moar loofah.

      • weejee

        But after you smear on some of old Wild Bill's home brew KY Jelly don't you just falafel. Andrea Mackris sure did.

    • not that Dewey

      Fuckin Gaussian units. D'ya think Bill understands Gaussian units?

      • weejee

        It's rumored on the intertubes that Bill smokes them in his gold-plated hookah.

  • metamarcisf

    And if it's possible, O'Reilly doesn't smell near as good as he looks, neither.

    • SmutBoffin

      Ha! I gave you '-1' for that, cuz that's yr. thing.

  • widestanceroman

    Any question about the moon that starts with 'who' and ends with 'up there' is not worth answering because the questioner is an idiot.

    Oh, fuck it, Bill, sometimes, when Mr. Asteroid and Mrs. Planet love each other very much. . .

  • DoktorZoom

    Hey, Bill!

    "f I were to suggest that between the Earth and Mars there is a china teapot revolving about the sun in an elliptical orbit, nobody would be able to disprove my assertion provided I were careful to add that the teapot is too small to be revealed even by our most powerful telescopes. But if I were to go on to say that, since my assertion cannot be disproved, it is an intolerable presumption on the part of human reason to doubt it, I should rightly be thought to be talking nonsense. If, however, the existence of such a teapot were affirmed in ancient books, taught as the sacred truth every Sunday, and instilled into the minds of children at school, hesitation to believe in its existence would become a mark of eccentricity and entitle the doubter to the attentions of the psychiatrist in an enlightened age or of the Inquisitor in an earlier time." –Bertrand Russell, 1952.

    How da teapot get there, Bill? Huh? Smart guy?

    Science: It's just desperate.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Tea goes in, pee comes out.

  • JoshuaNorton

    Geez. It's like listening to a self-important 8 year old lecturing a NASA scientist on how to identify Jupiter.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      It's been circumcised, right?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "brushed past" doesn't really answer the question: did you actually touch him? AAAAAIIIIIEEEEE! Fox Cooties! But if it was years ago, I guess you cheated death derangement, anyway.

    • Terry

      He got out of a black towncar that pulled up to the curb in front of a private club, then stopped in the middle of the sidewalk to chit chat. There was minor contact, but I think I really only touched his topcoat, which explains my largely intact sanity today.

      • Rotundo_

        You poor thing, bumping into Fox hosts is a very traumatic thing. One of the risks of living in their native habitat. I do hope you have had counseling, or barring that, a well stocked bar.

      • BarryOPotter

        …I think I really only touched his topcoat

        Be glad you didn't penetrate it and end up with his gooey center on your hands! Whew! That was close.

  • NewtsChicknNeck

    a bill o'reilly "premium member"? i'm sorry but internettin' budget is dominated by subscriptions to loofah porn sites. i'm not shelling out $30 for premium anything that doesn't answer the question "how'd the loofah get dere?"

    • FNMA

      Bill O'Reilly? "Premium member"?
      I think not, what with all the over-compensating…

  • GeorgiaBurning

    "Bill O'Reilly explains the meaning of the universe." Hmm, Rupert Murdoch's masters in Beijing have a very warped sense of humor, could they please help out "Saturday Night Live"?

  • SayItWithWookies

    That old devil muon.

  • DoktorZoom

    Hey, you see that Moon? No, that one, there.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Bill is debating a camera and he lost.
    What a fucking chicken shit gravy sucking coward.

  • Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

    And the strong nuclear force is actually just Jesus hugging all the atomic nuclei really tightly.

  • mavenmaven

    The intricacies of the human condition, like cancer in children, for example. Proves to me that God was born in Judea and killed for our sins generated by a naked man eating a fruit.

  • RedneckMuslin

    So how'd O'Riley get dere? Huh? Where'd he come from, Big Shot?

    • FNMA

      See, when a man loves a loofah…or a falafel. Either one.

  • whiterabid

    If the night is cloudy, how do you know the moon is in the sky unless you have faith? How about it, pihnheads.

  • nounverb911

    The moon is a billboard for Alwaleed's Falafel stand.

  • DerrickWildcat

    Oh yeah, well explain this one brainiacs, pull a tissue out of the box and another one immediately pops up to take its place. So how does that happen? Nobody really knows. IT JUST DOES! THAT'S THE WAY IT'S ALWAYS BEEN!

    • OneDollarJuana

      Well, that's the way it's always been for 6000 years. Before that, of course, nothing but God.

  • imissopus

    I don't know that anyone has been attacking Bill. Mocking the living shit out of him for being a dunderheaded self-righteous gibbering ignoramus with the intellectual curiosity of a five-year-old, yes. But attacking?

  • Asa_Hawks

    If the existence of tides proves that God exists, then the existence of Bill O'Reilly proves that the Devil is very real, and plays an active role in human affairs.

  • Pop_Socket

    It's turtles all the way down.

    • genxr

      And moons all the way up


    How come we have the Rev. Moon here and Mars doesn't have any?

  • e_z

    Bill, a phone, a loofah and Sailor Moon, a complex love triangle, how dat happin'?

  • Panty_Buns

    The moon got thrown out there accidentally when the solar system slipped in the shower while it was attempting to use a falafel and a vibrator.

  • SorosBot

    That's no moon, it's a space station!

  • Schmegeg

    Well, WHO MADE the planetoid sized object that crashed into the earth and resulted in the formation of the moon?

  • baconzgood

    Keep diggin' Bill. You'll get out of that hole eventually.

  • CreepyPete

    Hey, Bill. Maybe Andrea Mackris put the moon there. Maybe?

  • i_like_tigers

    Moon, spoon, you're a goon.

  • GortRay

    The great Ameritard celebration of ignorance continues unabated. Their fact deflection shield is working perfectly.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Well, we know he likes to shower.

  • foog

    Insane Fox Posse?

  • Ducksworthy

    So what holds up the earth then ma'm? "A turtle." And what's holding up the turtle. "Turtles. Turtles. Its turtles all the way down." Whether this is good or bad is not important. What's important is that schizophrenics have a structure in which they can believe.

  • BklynIlluminati

    Everyone knows it's God's cue ball, stupid Bill. do I have to explain why the earth is friggin flat too? Your such a moran Bill

  • prommie

    Hey, has anyone told him that "the sun is a mass of incandescent gas, a gigantic nuclear furnace, where hydrogen is turned into helium at a temperature of millions of degrees?"

    • genxr

      Our whole universe was in a hot dense state,
      Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started. Wait…
      The Earth began to cool,
      The autotrophs began to drool,
      Neanderthals developed tools,
      And they all got shows on Fox News

    • SenileAgitation

      I doubt it, I don't think Billo tunes into the leftist PBS-style propaganda programming that produced that wonderful fact-based tune.

    • thebeatgoeson08

      Actually, the Sun is a Miasma of Incandescent Plasma

      But the first song is infinitely catchier.

  • DangerHelvetica

    I look forward to Glenn Beck's explanation, where he describes how the Freemasons and the FEMA in 1962 created an illusionary moon with a giant projector array which activates the lycanthrope virus.

    • genxr

      Stop! You're scaring the bunny!

  • seppdecker

    Bill's along with a webcam (or an unpaid assistant to work the webcam) and his strategy is still to shout, bully and cut off the opposition, profound silence in this case.


  • oldmoose

    Fuckin' magnets, how do they work?

  • PublicLuxury

    The moon is bothering him. Hmmmm, Wait until he sees a tree seemingly growing out if a rock. How did it git dere?

  • __kth__

    holy shit, Billo has blown the lid off. Not only do scientists not know how the moon came to orbit the earth, the question itself never even occurred to them.

  • forgracie

    Brian Greene, meet my new tard friend Bill O'Reilly.

  • Preferred Customer

    "Fucking orbits. How do they work?"


  • SheriffRoscoe

    Ask my grandma, Bill. She thinks I hung the moon.

  • Karma_Suture

    How'd your dick get dere?
    How'd your dick get there?
    Answer that.
    How'd your dick get there?
    And your balls?
    How'd de get dere?
    How'd de GET dere?
    Dick goes up. Dick goes down.
    How's that happen?
    Men have dicks, women don't.
    Why don't women have dicks and men do?
    How dat happen?
    You tell me.

  • JackObin

    How did the moon get there? Why, Rupert Murdoch and the baby Jesus put it there, in order to make silly American halfwits swoon at Glen Beck.

  • Karma_Suture

    A hundred years ago that boy would have died in a gunfight before he could reproduce…..
    Ah… the good ol' days.

  • jakegittes

    Was that an Auto Tune The News video?

  • DoktorZoom

    I'm pretty sure that was Franklin with the beer quote. Or maybe it was Mencken, and it's been attributed to Franklin due to the Twain/Churchill/Carlin Misattribution Principle (any witty line will inevitably be attributed to someone who is famous for witty sayings, regardless of whether they actually said it).

    Incidentally, I'm quite sure that rule was made up by Stephen Wright.

    • prommie

      yeah, but in the morning, I'll still be drunk, so take that.

  • pdiddycornchips

    Maybe the moon was kicked out of earth for trying give its citizens health thus taking away their freedom?

  • RowdyRacer

    Riddle me this, Billo – God made the moon, the sun, etc., etc. without anyone bankrolling his program. Nowadays, he(He) can't make a goddamned thing unless someone writes him(Him) a check…

  • dyedwool

    Hold up. When you say "brushed past…" Was this with your bare hands? Or with some sort of bath brushing implement? Say…A LOOFAH?!

  • BZ1

    As Sarah would say, Here's the dildo!"

  • gvvt

    Logical refutation by infantile regress.

  • Negropolis

    Online hecklers are the best hecklers. Bill "Get Off My Lawn" O'Reilly, you are a national treasure.

  • Negropolis

    You know the answer to the Theory of Everything? Jesus; Jesus + Nothing.

  • Gleem_McShineys

    Here's how it works, Bill:

    See, you take a planet, and a comet that's pretty much caught in the planet's gravitational field, ok? I mean, it can't get away.

    Then the planet starts making unwanted sexual advances, late night dirty phone calls, and somehow dildoes are involved. Pretty soon, BAM, this massive settlement / scandal forever orbits the gross old planet, forever.

    Dat's who put the moon dere, your old lecherous self. Clear?

  • Karlmarxlone

    I dunno how the moon got there, but I know it's made of loufa Bill.