dept. of don't know why you would care to read this but here

Latest Wasilla Success Story: Mercede Johnston Posing For Playboy

Oh, that little graphic says it's true. Must be.According to the world’s most trusted news source, some celebrity website we’ve never heard of, Levi Johnston’s sister Mercede is going to pose nude for Playboy. Why? And why now? Well, America collectively said, “Who? What? Sure,” when they were asked if they wanted to see Levi Johnston’s gonads in Playgirl, and it turns out other people tangentially related to Sarah Palin have naked bodies too. Oh, and Mercede is 18 now. So congratulations to Mercede, we guess. We always liked her because she was literate enough to write a blog, which is pretty impressive for Alaska and that town in particular. She is now a shining example of the great American entrepreneurial tradition of capitalizing on one’s relationship to the Palin family. This is her Sputnik moment. We are seeing Big Things.

We’re told Mercede will do what her brother didn’t — and show it all!

Oh, Mercede Johnston has a penis too. Good for her.

And now we ask this of the legacy soft-core porn publishing industry: Please do not approach Bristol about this sort of thing. [Rumor Fix via Wonkette operative chascates]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

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  • Barbara_i

    Oh goodie, now we all get to see how much body work this Mercedes needs.
    Go ahead, Wonkateers with Willies, feel free to kick her tires.

    • Buzz Feedback

      What's the over/under on a tattoo on her lower back in Olde English?

      • Texan_Bulldog

        That's probably the beer she drinks.

    • WriteyWriterton

      I think it would be "…how much bod wor," given the failure to supply the "s' on the name, but that's just me – a stickler for pointless parallelism.

    • MrsBiggTime

      Bumper bullets. Classic car styling.

    • walstib

      Taking bets: Pink or Brown? & Bare or cutesy shape?

      I'm going Pink and Bare.

    • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

      That's what "www" stands for? Really? Wonketeers with Willies?

      • Barbara_i

        And that would make Limey Lizzy and me WWV's

    • Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

      This whole situation certainly gives me the willies, but there ain't no way in hell I'm kicking her. Not even with the First Dude's foot.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Really?

    Why is it that everyone involved with the Palins has to get naked at one point or another?

    If so, can Christina Hendricks and January Jones become Sarah P's beauty consultants?

    • Weenus299

      Just pray it won't be Newt Gingrich.

      • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

        Thank you. You just killed my libido. Forever.

        • Crank_Tango

          anyway, yes, back to the ladies of mad-men, naked please. there are some nice "naked" (sideboob) pics of betty out there, and i think I will go look at them now, while I still have morning wood, i mean, before i start work.

    • WriteyWriterton

      One actual and a thousand virtual uppies to you, MC.

    • Barbara_i

      Christina Hendricks? I've never had a gay friend who hasn't told me, "we are all gay…." and my head bobs like a bladder on a stick. I'm strictly dickly. Then I saw Miss Hendrick's and guess what? I am so gay.

  • SorosBot

    She's still got a fuckload more dignity than Brisol or Sarah.

    • V572625694

      A modest distinction, like manufacturing the world's largest microchip.

  • SharkSandwich

    I have a Sputnik moment for her.

    • Barrelhse

      Well, she's no Laika.
      oh, wait…

    • JustPixelz

      Pay attention! We need more Spud-nuts moments. So says Sarah, so say we all.

  • Not_So_Much

    Crap, doesn't he have a hotter sister somewhere?

    Also, fucking Wasilla. Who knew a shitty little meth town would become our long national nightmare?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      It's our anti-Potemkin village.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      When you're young and so in love as we
      And bewildered by the world we see
      Why do people hurt us so
      Only those in love would know
      What a town without pity can do

      If we stop to gaze upon a star
      People talk about how bad we are
      Ours is not an easy age
      We're like tigers in a cage
      What a town without pity can do

      Gene Pitney was 50 years ahead of the curve.

    • WriteyWriterton

      John McCain, your tumbrel is waiting.

    • GOPCrusher

      Wasilla=The Love Canal of the 10's.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Mercede–without the final s–is a perfect white trash name.

    • Not_So_Much

      Originally 'Merceduh'?

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Stripper Name.

    • Weenus299

      Daimler called and wanted the 's' back.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Probably named for the town in the San Joaquin Valley, at whose Flying J Truck Stop she was conceived.

    • Mahousu

      Fortunately, now she'll have enough cash to buy that final 's'.

      Unfortunately, she'd be doing so just as Mercedes' quality has fallen into the toilet.

      Maybe she should consider changing her name to "Kia" instead.

    • Barrelhse

      Take off the last "S" for Savings! (1-800-M-A T-T-R-E-S)

    • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

      "Mercedes" is plural. Duh.

      • Gomez571

        Right, and I wanna see both of them.

    • salt_bagel

      Well, after they named Levi after jeans, the Johnstons wanted something a bit more luxurious if they had a girl.

      Aud, Bentle, and Ferrar all made the short list.

      (Of course, BM was quickly eliminated.)
      /rimshot

  • forgracie

    Tha Wasilla trailer parks are single-handedly bringing America out of the recession. This is truly change we can believe in.

    • WriteyWriterton

      A fold-out for these denizens of double-wides would be six pages, if I've done my 'rithmetic right.

  • Weenus299

    Flowers in the Attic?

    • DashboardBuddha

      More like Flowers for Algernon.

  • Buzz Feedback

    I want her to pose with a Chalupa in one hand and a gallon of Sunny D in the other.

    • jim89048

      There's capitalism for ya, product placement!

  • SenileAgitation

    I look forward to Bristol's denouncement of this sluttish opportunism.

    • Terry

      Plus a lot of whining about why she wasn't asked.

    • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

      "Mercede your such a fuckin canard your a faggot STFU."

    • Negropolis

      She's just mad that Mercede isn't showing the goods for free, and she did.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Huh huh, you said "Johnson."

    Oh, Johnston? Fuck.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    Happy Bday! Get paid! Wage of Majority.

  • baconzgood

    The Palin clan is getting worse than the Kardashians. They don't really do anything, they say stupid shit all the time, and yet they're still getting paid obscene amounts of money to be on TeeVee and in magazines. If this were any other place in the world this family would have been dead in a ditch somewhere years ago. As Yakov Smirnoff said "what a country".

    • http://www.full-brief-panties-male-modeled.blogspot.com/ Panty_Buns

      That's why they fit in so perfectly with Fox and TMZ.

    • Negropolis

      Which one's Klohe?

      BTW, fuck if I know how to spell that giant's name.

      • Barbara_i

        Klohe is the fat one without the big ass and the big tits.

  • prommie

    I want to see her naked, for sure. I am always in favor of more nakedness, not less. And its nice to see someone who is not a Palin being able to grift a few bucks out of this sordid debacle of McCain's hail-mary pass to the jeebus-babbling snowbilly cunt.

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      And just think, McCain was the running back on the play.

      Billy Kristol took the snap from center and tossed him a lateral.
      ~

      • Ruhe

        Yes, there was much tossing in that playbook.

  • hagajim

    Fire up the leaf blower…this chick is gonna need some serious airbrushing. Seriously though…Hugh – is this why you took Playboy private again? So you could get a Mercede Johnston? Really? I guess all the really good porn is already available on the internets so you have to settle for what you can get huh….

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I haven't bought a Playboy since about 1985; this is not going to drive me back to the newsstand.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Shock and Awe sells.

      • Barbara_i

        "shock and awe sells" more like "schock and -in-law" sells.

    • V572625694

      Maybe Hugh wanted to take the mag back to the days of bushy pubes (or no pubes!), and publishing John Updike and Saul Bellow.

      Maybe, but probably not.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Where are the Hellers of yesteryear?

      • Barbara_i

        Something tells me that she looks like she is holding Buckwheat, in a scissor-lock down there.

  • DangerHelvetica

    I like how that tabloid has to put disclaimers when something is actually true.

    • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

      "Yes, it's true."
      " This time we swear to God we ain't lying!"
      " We ain't makin' this shit up this time."

    • sezme

      Yeah, I was kind of thinking it might not be true, but then I saw that label.

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    Um.. what has this got to do with Todd's massages?

  • MrsBiggTime

    You are implying that this unknown young woman with breasts would not have a lucrative career posing for aged masturbators, had she not been somehow related to some guy who knocked up some unknown young woman who happened to be related to Sarah Palin?

    I, for one, will not stand for such Boob Libel. Now please pass the paper towels.

    • Ruhe

      "some guy who knocked up some unknown young woman" twice….

      fixed.

  • freakishlywrong

    I think when your claim to (fame?) is "Levi's sister" that 20 minutes should be just about up.

  • tbogg

    Bristol wasn't asked because her thighs would take up one page alone. Paper shortages, people. Think green!

  • RodneyBadger

    If John McCain didn't pick Sarah Palin as his running mate, then Mercede would not be posing in Playboy. Just think about that for a minute.

    • Crank_Tango

      and somewhere, right now, a butterfly flaps its wings…

    • GOPCrusher

      I still refuse to believe that the choice of running mate was John McCain's.

      • genxr

        Now we know it was Hugh Hefner calling the shots.

    • http://www.full-brief-panties-male-modeled.blogspot.com/ Panty_Buns

      By any chance did John McCain and Hugh Hefner go to school together or have some connection?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Mercede prolly would have found a way to get to Seattle for a Casting Call, though. & maybe been picked out for a Newsstand Special.

  • user-of-owls

    They buried the real story. Will Shortz has been forced out as editor of the NYT Crossword Puzzle and will be replaced by Meg Stapleton.

    • metamarcisf

      If this is true does that mean he will no longer waste my time on Sunday Morning NPR?

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      Noooooooooooooooo!

  • deanbooth

    Click here to see pictures of ___________ nekid.

    That's my weakest link. Does that make me a bad person?

    • BornInATrailer

      If that's wrong, I don't want to be right.

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      Bush twins… gets me every time.

  • WriteyWriterton

    O/T. This snow day lets me play along with other Wonketeers in realz time. Yippee!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      It's not as much fun to do when you aren't getting paid to do it.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Winona's got herself a big brown beaver and she shows it off to all her friends

  • SayItWithWookies

    You know it's a great country when the sister of the ex-fiance of the daughter of the failed vice-presidential candidate can — okay, where the fuck is my passport?

    • ttommyunger

      Join my club; I never leave the house without mine. I know, I'm fucking paranoid, but that doesn't mean I'm NOT being followed.

      • zhubajie

        I haven't tried this myself, but I believe it's possible to buy a second, legitimate, passport from places like Guyana, Grenada, etc. I knew a guy once had 3 passports, like Joel Cairo, in The Maltese Falcon!

  • HolyMaracas

    Playboy Special Ed Edition: Wasilla's Meth Hotties.

    • WriteyWriterton

      Toothless in Gaza…

    • Redhead

      Whoever does the photoshopping on that cover deserves about 3 promotions and 5 raises.

  • petehammer

    How does Playboy still exist? From any perspective (financially, politically, social impact). There are numerous outlets now for serious writers (Playboy did, at one time, serve as an outlet for aspiring writers) and there are boatloads and boatloads of free pornography everywhere. So how is it this magazine still exists? It'd be like if Rite-Aid still had soda fountains for some reason. It's anachronistic.

    • WriteyWriterton

      "How does Playboy still exist?" Faustian bargain?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Yeah, and with Wonkabout, we don't even need Playboy After Dark anymore.

      • Crank_Tango

        i still wanna see arielle naked tho.

        • natoslug

          The Women of Wonkette issue would be popular with many of us . . .

          • horsedreamer_1

            Just don't ever call SKS a MILF.

          • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

            Mmmmm Anna Marie.

          • horsedreamer_1

            There was some talk, when the Washingtonienne posed, that AMC would appear as well. & considering her career trajectory since, AMC should have done it.

  • GregComlish

    Barely Legal is an ethical step-forward for Wasilla, AK.

  • SorosBot

    At least it's better than the faded former celebrities who try posing for Playboy to restart their careers after they've gotten old; I'd have rather seen Tiffany naked before she got fat, Hugh.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I think Kirstie Alley is in the pipeline.

      • jim89048

        Gonna take a lot of Crisco to slide that one through.

  • kbnx

    If she's really like her brother, she'll get fat before the shoot and then hide all the good parts with her hands.

  • magic_titty

    NY Post headline: Mercede Bends!

    • SorosBot

      Oh lord, won't you buy me a Mercede nude; my friends all drive Bristol I must make amends.

    • GregComlish

      Dang, you're good at those

  • PeaceWithHonor

    Bring us more Wasilla meth hotties!

  • WhatTheHeck

    Just think, Sarah could have been invited to Hef's mansion, but passed her up for a younger model.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Well, it's not like anyone from Wasilla is ever going to appear in the college/co-ed edition of Playboy. At least Hugh is equal opportunity nekkid.

  • magic_titty

    Let me guess: it won't be the college coeds issue.

  • WriteyWriterton

    Now, unfortunately, yes, no thanks to you.

  • Ruhe

    Jim Rome says on occasion that no one aspires to porn. "You don't get into porn. You end up in porn." The Palin clan and the greater Wasilla area may be a place where that wisdom does not apply.

    • GOPCrusher

      I contend that Sarah will end up doing a spread in Playboy, in fact I would not be surprised if Hef isn't working on a mother/daughter pictorial. With Mercede already putting her name on the dotted line, this may be just the push that was needed to get Brisket on board.

    • http://grandpaboy.blogspot.com/ seppdecker

      Similarly, you don't aspire to Wasilla. You end up in Wasilla.

  • Redhead

    Can we PLEASE just give Alaska back to Russia. Not ONE of the Palin clan or their clingers-on have done anything productive, contributed anything to society (other than numerous headaches and scratched-out-eyes) or done anything worthwhile with their lives. Palin herself has actively tried to set society and women back decades.

    The repubs are so concerned with spending and the budget right now – just how much do we pay to every Alaskan citizen in exchange for right, the oil we get from them? How much do we spend on other social programs – like food stamps, welfare and medicaid – for them – shit, how much does the US spend on just the portions of those programs that Bristol and her offspring use?

    Let's just get rid of the damn iceburg, with all the Palins and Johnstons and the rest of the crackheads on it. I'm actually dead serious.

    • SorosBot

      Now, the Palin clan my never have done anything productive, but their deeds have been extremely reproductive.

    • zhubajie

      Sell it to Japan!

  • L188188

    Shoot will be "classy" – click the link and scroll halfway down – she contacted Gryphen about it apparently.
    http://theimmoralminority.blogspot.com/

    • Barrelhse

      She'll be fine once she learns not to use her sleeve as toilet paper.

  • VinnyThePooh

    I'm assuming that this is intended to be the Scared Straight version of abstinence training, targeting young men.

  • HistoriCat

    Are we talking first time nude-pose Jessica Hahn or the later, surgically-enhanced Jessica Hahn?

  • DashboardBuddha

    I'm with you, Gunner.

  • http://grandpaboy.blogspot.com/ seppdecker

    I'd strip if it got me out of Alaska.

  • Ancient_Hackery

    How long will we have to wait for Sarah Palin's 7-minute word-salad commenting on how this makes her a victim? Waiting, waiting……

  • VinnyThePooh

    BIRTHIN' HIPS! BIRTHIN' HIPS!

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Or Gennifer Flowers posing for Penthouse. I was a freshman in college and my neighbor had given me a subscription as a going-away gift. I lived on an all-male floor that year and that issue circulated for weeks.

    • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews/ cheaphits

      Remember the lady, Fawn Hall…Ollie North's assistant?

      Pretty woman and she turned down $1Mil. to pose.

  • littlebigdaddy

    I'm just surprised Bristol "Meth" Palin didn't beat her to it.

  • Fuck Toad

    Aw man, I thought she seemed like an okay gal.

    • Barrelhse

      Now you'll get to find out!

  • philpjfry

    Maybe all the lady pols should join together in a photo spread for playboy, you know like girls of capital hill. I mean who wouldn't want to see Nancy Pelosi naked. Just try and get that inmage out of your mind.

  • ttommyunger

    Playboy has never looked more sophomoric than it does today, and that's saying something. Porn is great for rubbing one out, and it is everywhere, free. Why anyone would fork over a Duckett for that rag is beyond me. And Hugh Hefner! That pussywhipped serial monogamist has given both whore-mastering AND voyeurism a bad name. Let Little Miss Nobody's sister show her snatch to the fucking Polar Bears for all I care.

  • themcwow

    Bristol has had a penis too.

  • jim89048

    Poor Sadie. If she only knew how to dance, like that other one.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    I'm just waiting for Playboys "Girls of the Blogosphere" issue, which I assume will feature this layout, K-Lo and all our other favorites.

    • HistoriCat

      K-Lo? Goodbye lunch …

  • sportshort

    When did the Alaska Idiots become the farm team for the National Idiots?

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    There's no source for this on the skanky website you're using for a source, and every other "news outlet" on Google News is attributing it to this self-same site. I don't expect much from Wonkette in the way of "journalism," but I expect you guys to do a little more legwork before you just parrot the lowest lifeforms on the Web. Like, you could even email the woman!

  • BeWoot

    Do they still ask the Playmates to list their favorite books?

  • http://www.full-brief-panties-male-modeled.blogspot.com/ Panty_Buns

    This would be an excellent opportunity for Kathy Griffin to try to hook Mercede up with one of her (Kathy's) friends, thereby getting closer to her lost love Levi again.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Oh, Mercede, if only you would have done anal with an "hot for DC" type, at the cost of a toaster, then the Wonketteers would love, love, love you.

    BUTTSECKS!!1!

  • Schmannnity

    Wasilla: Center of the White Trash Universe.

  • GOPCrusher

    Posing for Playboy will be a plus, when the local gentlemen's clubs are advertising her exotic dancing performance.

  • JackObin

    Damn, I was hoping she would appear in the centerfold of National Review.

  • zhubajie

    Comning soon! All Todd's Hookers!

  • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

    $arah will totally support her on this, you know Spudnuts and entrepreneurial spirit and all.
    Oh wait you mean she didn't ever mean a fucking word that came out of her stupid piehole. You mean to tell me that she doesn't even think about her idiotic talking points before she shits them out. Two faced cunt.

  • Negropolis

    What's the stand price for a Playboy, these days, and what's the price for a lookie-look down at the girl on the corner? I wonder if a hooker's ever sold a look-over? I hear that a lot of their customers end up just talking to them, so how much for a once-over ogling?

  • WriteyWriterton

    Z.

  • Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

    I'm pretty sure we're getting into DD-list territory here.

  • CapeClod

    9th level. I think Dante wrote about it.

  • horsedreamer_1

    This is Jessica Cutler redux. Save for the fact that Mercede is not an… WHORE!

  • court5346

    fugly

  • Lascauxcaveman

    I've been shopping for a used Mercedes, but I've more of a '68-'72 model in mind. These newer ones just don't do it for me.

    Pass.

  • Barbara_i

    Brazilian soccer balls have been kicked less.

  • WunkRocker

    Tits or GTF…oh wait, Also.

  • Barbara_i

    In the same issue the "celebrity interview" is Mason Reese, the former Underwood Deviled Ham spokes tot. http://tinyurl.com/6xq5mol

  • UW8316154

    As a '65 model, I love you for that.