Everybody’s favorite airport moment is when you get to play “TSA coed strip poker webcam,” amiright? First the shoes and belts come off. Then you must unzip your computer bag and place your bulging hard-drive on the conveyor belt (sex escalator). After this, you get to pose naked for the fat guy sitting behind the nudie scanner, or you can opt for the very heavy petting — and there’s usually an Isaac Hayes love ballad playing softly on the PA system, to set the mood. But these days of sexytime airport pleasure are quickly coming to an end. Apparently some of you prudes don’t like it when strangers inspect digital photographs of your nether regions and boobs? That’s alright. Michael Chertoff can still make lots of money installing unnecessary radioactive scanner things in every major airport. He doesn’t need to see your private parts, per se.
The TSA is experimenting with new, less gaterapey scanners, “which discontinue the display of personal body characteristics while still promising to catch questionable objects.” This is good new for people who have personal body characteristics! Susan Collins, who chairs the Senate Committee on Keeping the Homeland Safe and Sound, was excited to hear about these new developments. Also, now these scanners won’t give you (too much) cancer?
“We have the technology that will eliminate the need for American air travelers to choose between their privacy and security when they choose to fly,” [Collins] said in a news release.
“I understand that the machines being installed in this pilot program do not emit radiation,” she added. “Although the TSA assures me that some of the machines in use that emit radiation do not pose a health risk, it is preferable to use technology that avoids exposure.”
But does anybody actually believe the TSA or Susan Collins? These new “less invasive” scanners will probably just capture high-resolution images of Jenna Bush Upskirt. And how do you think Jenna Bush feels about that? She deserves her privacy, too. [CNN]
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“Can’t see London, Can’t see France, unless we see your underpants.”
You are on fire!!!
Show us your Larks!
Underwear's no fun to wear!
In that case everybody should visit the websites listed on my profile in order to take a look at my underpants. That way I should be able to go and see London and France since everyone will have seen my underpants.
This is just a ploy to transfer more taxpayer cash to whichever Senators own stock in the scanning machine companies.
We can't afford healthcare for all, though!
Suppose a side effect of those expensive scanners was to render you immune to multiple illnesses. How long would it take the GOP senators to loudly denounce using it on illegal aliens?
How long would it take GOP politicians to denounce the scanners as French and Socialist and deny them to the poors? And how soon would we find out how many GOP politicians can fit into a scanner?
One laughs even more bitterly when realizing that plenty of people can't afford X-rays to diagnose their lung cancer or tuberulosis, but hey, at least we're dosing everybody with the same radiation pointlessly at airports. You almost taste the free-market efficiency at work! Tastes like pennies.
So its back to "randomly" screening Al Gore at Regan National again?
“I understand that the machines being installed in this pilot program do not emit radiation,” What do they use then? The power of positive thinking?
Or telepathy.
Magic.
They're placebo scanners – just empty metal boxes but everyone acts like they might be detecting something. The success rate is about as high as the radiation machines.
But the TSA employees would still be using radiation to observe the passengers, unless they were all blind or closed their eyes.
"unless they were all blind or closed their eyes" can you say for sure that they are not?
Hahahaha. Well, being serious for just a second, some of the scanners use millimeter-long radio waves, and so won't turn you into a Spider-man (that second just ran out). It also means the scanner is sort of a giant microwave oven. Feel the warmth of the Big Brother.
In actuality they are just darkened windows with big feathers mounted inside. "Is that her body you see under there?"
I would rather have Jackie Collins address this issue.
Me, I prefer Jackie Harvey, but not because I'm you know, that way. Not that there's anything wrong with it!
Ever listen to Susan Collins and notice that she seems to suffer from Diane Rehm's Disease?
Well, hell. I was actually looking forward to growing that third eye.
No means no!!
Or maybe. Depends on how much time I spent at Chili's bar in the airport.
Airports with decent restaurants:
(1)….
Shit, I got nothing.
Actually, believe it or not, there's a place called One Flew South in the Atlanta airport that is superb! Seriously, I'm a major foodie and this is one of my all-time favorite restaurants. Next time you're passing through, schedule a longer layover and check this place out…you'll thank me later!
Thank you, sir or madam! Delta will provide the extra time, I have no doubt. In which tube of the dystopian hell that is ATL is it located?
Should have done this earlier:
http://www.oneflewsouthatl.com/
It's in Terminal E just off the main 'lounge' area. Bon appetit!
Due to Delta's tendency to have my San Antonio flight de-plane at B36 and my onward flight always leaves from B1 or A1, with a 20 minute connection time, I rarely have to schedule a long layover at Hartsfeld. Delta does it for me.
I don't know if anyone clicked on the CNN story, but the images of the 'new scanner' seem to be proof they've given up altogether.
Or if that's the level of detail, anybody who leaves a nickel in his pocket is going to get a full-on TSA gropedown.
Government doesn't give up; it just gets stupider and bigger.
The only thing that bothers me about aviation-security measures, besides their irritating stupidity and absurdity, is that they're making Michael Chertoff rich.
Oh WOW. Does not emit radiation???? Lady, tell me how do they see through clothing if it doesn't emit radiation?
A scanner that doesn't emit radiation is called one of the three things:
1) Broken
2) Off
3) A scam
Perhaps someone should tell Susan Collins that all forms of radiation aren't bad. She's probably radiating herself right now.
Look, lots of scanners don't emit radiation, they detect radiation. Geiger counters are one example. Thermometers detect heat radiation. These new scanners work on the principle that the terrrists have plutonium bars or bundles of flaming Roman Candles strapped to their weenies.
If you're gonna walk on my love, baby
The least you can do is take off your shoes
I wanna know how can you hurt me so bad, baby
After I've been so good to you
See! TSA loves you!
I'll be stepping through Wayne Newton Int'l Airport in Vegas on Monday. The combination scanners / slot machines have always made this an adventure and I hope nothing changes now.
At ORD, they've installed combination scanner/wood-fired deep-dish pizza ovens.
So that's how Wayne's voice got so high.
I will be in Vegas on Friday (2-11). Then I am driving back to Albuquerque, stopping in Scottsdale, at a lovely casino/resort/spa/golf course my husband's old boss is the President/CEO of on Monday.
Why will you be in Vegas, if you don't mind my asking.
Flying from ABQ to Vegas next week to audit car dealerships. I'm a CPA. Dress warm when you drive through NM. I live in Santa Fe and right now it's -14F and my pipes are frozen (that's what SHE said)
Please, now they'll start telling us any damn thing to get us to fly. "This new scanner will give you a smaller butt/bigger junk AND a free cocktail on the plane. Now stop calling my office an annoying my staff with stupid questions!"
"Goin' out of business. Givin' you the business."
I would suggest the fact more people are becoming morbidly obese is making security even less sexy than any scanners.
All the TSA peekers are resigning. "I've had all I can stands and I can't stands no more!"
Or the same reaction Al Bundy had when he saw his mother in law naked.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I'm BLIND!! Oh the pain!!"
She is a Wanker, after all.
*Golf clap*
It sounds like they might be working with an ultrasonic machine this time which is probably safer than radiation unless your teeth happen to resonate at the senor’s output frequency in which case your head would explode. It could happen.
I'd like to see the scan of that picture's MILF in the yellow shirt.
SILF (Scannie I'd Like to Fuck)
It's the new Etch-A-Sketch ScanRay 2000. It won't store images — you just turn it over and shake it after every scan,
Now we know where Rahm's orb found work.
Isaac Hayes? Pfft, forget that. Nothing says "TSA gaterape sexytime" like the dulcet crooning of Barney.
I love you
You love me
Now lift that shirt up
So I can see…
Ooh, but Michael Chertoff *does* need to see my private parts.
That baby could be an explosive device.
Actually the tiny terrorists don't need to contain explosives to create havoc on an airliner.
~
TERROR BABY!!!!!
meh, wake me when they post the images of crazy-eyes naked, so I can scratch my own eyes out.
She was clearly going for the Full Palin of egocentrism.
it was a great threat tho, and I can't think of many better arguments against the pornoscanners. although i would rather see bachman naked than (sarah) palin. bristol, willow, even michael palin before sarah.
“which discontinue the display of personal body characteristics while still promising to catch questionable objects.”
Scanners will promise anything to lure you into their newly radiation-less embrace. When you get off the plane at your destination all the TSA personnel there will be gaping at your personal characteristics (tiny penis).
"the scanner will just rub it around on the outside because it feels nice."
I misread that at first as "ScaMMers will promise anything to lure you…" Which works, too, also.
I'm sure there is a "This is Spinal Tap" zucchini in foil joke there but I just can't flush it out.
There's a fine line between stupid and clever.
…but I just can't flush it out
What's your daily fiber intake? What ever it is, double it and see if you've made progress in the next 4 days…
You know if they lowered the price on doubled drinks at the bars, I don't think anyone would give a shit about their digitalia being viewed by the Blue-Gloved Menace.
I don't mind. But, I'm pretty lonely.
Baby inna bin! Baby inna bin! Get yer baby inna bin!
After twelve flights in two months I finally got scanned. It correctly identified that I wear both a watch and a belt. A sharp TSA inspector determined that the only function of the belt was to hold my pants up.
Can we just run Mercede through the less sexy scanner and call it good?
Oh damn, I was so looking forward to the naked body scan pictures of Michelle Bachmann showing up on the interent.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/02/01/michele-...
I'd rather be blind than see naked Bachmann.
Chertoff must be using medical equipment marketers now. They create a need for the equipment, unload the crap they've got in inventory, wait 6 months and sell the "new-improved" scanner. When those are all installed they will come out with a "newer-even more improved" scanner that will be the TSA must have scanner for 2012. Now THAT'S entrepreneurship in action.
Don't go making Collins the chair of the committee yet, Wonkette. The Democrats aren't going to lose control of the Senate for two more years.
Just don't think I'll ever fly again. Problem solved…Fuck the TSA, fuck the money-grubbing airlines, fuck the lines, fuck the overpriced food and drinks and especially fuck the politicians getting rich off all the aforementioned.
Same here. I'd like to say it is my statement against the machine, but it's just that I don't have anywhere to go.
I'm absolutely certain that the screeners will use their inability to get as good a look through the new scanners as an excuse to pull more of us aside and cop a cheap feel or take an in-person look at our undies.
scan this scum!
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