it's morning in america

‘Cold Air Mass From Canada’ Attacks America, Never Forget


  • A devious “cold air mass” from Canada floated across our unprotected border and then proceeded to drop giant snow-dumps all over our great nation yesterday, forcing most Americans to abandon their SUVs on the highway and hike to the nearest toll station, so that they could eat the tollbooth lady for nourishment. First “Bieber fever,” and now this? Thanks, Canada. This winter terrorism attacked more than a third of The United States, from Maine to Dallas, which means the Super Bowl is canceled forever. (Fingers crossed.) Anyway, all this “cold” and “snow” proves Al Gore is a lying sack of shit, again! [NYT]
  • Meanwhile, John Boehner’s new job bill or whatever will stop the Environmental Protection Agency from regulating greenhouse gases under the Clean Air Act. [AP]
  • Donald Rumsfeld will receive the “Defender of the Constitution Award” at CPAC next week, which will be held at some semen-stained hotel in our nation’s swamp capital! Your Wonkette will be reporting live from this atrocity, so hooray, stay tuned/start drinking. [Raw Story]

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


      1. SorosBot

        Wait, there's snow in Chicago? What's next, rain and fog in London? Warm sunny days in southern California? Racism in Arizona and South Carolina?

        1. WriteyWriterton

          Uh, crazy Republicans in Minnesota? Crazy Republicans everywhere?

          Wonders nevair cease, mon ami(e)!

        2. LesPaultard

          At the risk of sounding like a certain MN pol, they haven't had much snow in Chicago recently. OTOH across that lake we're over seven feet and still counting this season.

      2. OneDollarJuana

        Just as the global warming defenders are wrong about global warming (it's cold now, so global warming is clearly a liberal socialist hoax by 95% of all scientists, everywhere), you are wrong about the source of Chicago's snow. Chicago is closer to Canada than the Gulf. Canada is cold. The Gulf is usually on fire from all the leaking oil, thus is hot. Ergo cogito sum QED ars gratia artis ipso facto the snow is from Canada. Besides Messican food is hot, Canada food is lukewarm at best. I rest my case.

    1. johnnymeatworth

      Times have changed
      Our kids are getting worse
      They won't obey their parents
      They just want to fart and curse!
      Should we blame the government?
      Or blame society?
      Or should we blame the images on TV?
      No, blame Canada
      Blame Canada
      With all their beady little eyes
      And flapping heads so full of lies
      Blame Canada

    2. LionelHutzEsq

      We will never be safe until we build a wall to keep Canadian Weather in Canada where it belongs.

      No Amnesty for Snow!

  1. Barbara_i

    Yeah, it's clear here in New Mexico. Clear up to our asses in snow.
    Have they yanked that hairy little rat out of their hole yet to see what's going to happen for the next six weeks, or is she still fighting with Todd over the hooker.

    1. Terry

      Punxatawney Phil can't emerge from his burrow today as the opening is covered with a full inch of ice and a foot of snow.

        1. WriteyWriterton

          They deliver now? I'll have two, please, in lieu of my Chicago Tribune ("Our motto: Our news hole is the size of your rat-hole.") and Gray Lady.

          1. Barbara_i

            I get the Albuquerque Journal and the NY Times delivered and the Times didn't arrive on Monday. My friend suggested that the plane that delivers the paper could be held up because of the snow. I really need to broaden my social cirlce a bit, eh?

  2. deanbooth

    Why is it that when the Repugs take over, they start passing base-inspired bills like crazy, but when the Dems took over they just talked about what weak things they might consider voting on if the Repugs would let them?

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Actually, the House passed a whole bunch of stuff that is base fodder (card check, cap and trade, etc) but because it wasn't going to go anywhere in the Senate the media largely focused on what might (and the TP idiots, natch). But since the GOP only has the one house and the Dems don't have much of an agenda left to pass (since the Senate has no interest in doing anything), this bullshit that won't go anywhere seems to get a lot more play.

  3. PsycWench

    ..Donald Rumsfeld will receive the “Defender Defrauder of the Constitution Award”…

    FIxed now.

  4. baconzgood

    There are known Defender of the Constitution Awards. These are awards we know that we know are awarded. There are known unknown Defender of the Constitution Awards. That is to say, there are awards that we know we don't know are awarded. But there are also unknown unknown Defender of the Constitution Awards. These are awards we don't know we don't know are awarded.

  5. Limeylizzie

    Here in Harlem, we have had an ice storm and the streets are all shiny and slick, I will be walking down to 125th Street to go to the gym and ,as I am famously clumsy and accident prone, it may be ony a matter of time before I am face down and not in a good way.

      1. Limeylizzie

        Yes, I love the Planet Fitness in Harlem, it is the least pretentious and most gangsta gym ever! Completely free of the upwardly mobile white folks for the most part, but full of really friendly body-builders, lovely fat ladies in skimpy ensembles and the nicest staff, who love me because I gave them a giant bottle of rum that my neighbour gave me as a gift from the Dominican Republic and I don't drink. Plus I live on 112th and Lenox so it's a mere 10 minutes away .

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        "Buns up and kneelin'
        I was a wheelin' and a-dealin'
        She surrendered to the feelin'
        And she started in to squealin'."

        I can't believe he's been gone 17 years. Sniff.

    1. prommie

      Ah, thank you for making me think of you, or really, of women, all women, in general, face-down in a good way. As Mitch Fattell explains in his act, when a man is joined with a woman in the sacred act of love, in the anterior-posterior posture known by the so-romantic name "doggie style," when a man so engaged looks down, what he feels, is what you women feel when you see a beautiful sunset. Sometimes we are moved to tears of sheer joy, at the beauty of it all.

    1. Moonbat

      That's a reasonable response, but I say we teach the Canuckistani hordes a lesson and invade. They'll never send their terrorist "cold fronts" our way again!

  6. LiveToServeYa

    Donald Rumsfeld should be awarded the Purple Shaft with Pineapple Clusters. With extreme prejudice.

  7. Frost/Nixon/Robocop

    When I was your age we had to deal with Canada giving us Alan Thicke and Alanis Morrisette, so suck on that you whippersnappers!

    1. PsycWench

      I can do you one better: Anne Murray! "Even though we ain't got money, I'm still so in love with ya honey"…what a commie.

        1. Ruhe

          And the McKenzie Brothers and "Strange Brew". I always thought that livin' like Canadians in the cold and snow would be like heaven. But now I got two soakers and Bieber's on the radio. This ain't heaven. This sucks.

          1. SorosBot

            In ancient times, Canada gave us Shatner, which would have made for that before Shit My Dad Says started.

    2. SorosBot

      Should we blame the government? Or blame society? Or should we blame the images on TV? No! Blame Canada!

    3. GOPCrusher

      I can kind of give Canada a pass for giving us Red Green, but that Bryan Adams shit was almost a deal breaker.

    1. weejee

      Donald Rumsfeld will receive the “Defender of the Constitution Award”

      Also, you might suggest that the award should be the "Defender of the Constipated Award” for service to all those up-tight neo-cons whose knickers are so tight they haven't pooped in five years.

      1. Rotundo_

        Bolton is working on a flawless 300 carat chocolate diamond as we speak, heat+pressure+carbon. Whore diamonds have always been around, blood diamonds too, but asshole diamonds are a newer development

  8. baconzgood

    My city must be the only mid-atlantic city that isn't hit by this storm. It's like a spring day today. Thanks for takin' care of your peeps Punxsutawney Phil.

    1. WriteyWriterton

      On behalf of Chicagoans, especially those of us actually in Chicago at this moment, I send hate your way. Hate, hate, hate!

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    18 degrees this morning in South Texas, but hey, it's a dry cold! Back up in the 60s by the weekend, 29 degrees north latitude FTW!!!

    1. Boredw/Gravity

      We're having rolling blackouts here in Houston, just in time for rush hour traffic. But you're right, it is a dry cold! Woo hoo!

      1. HistoriCat

        Just got back power here at work after 25 minutes. And before that, power was out at my house from 7:00 until at least 7:30 when I left for work.

        Texas power grid – fuck yeah!

        1. SorosBot

          I don't see how Texas could have problems generating power, since most of it is a desert that rarely gets clouds, making it a perfect environment for widespread use of solar panels that – oh wait, I forget they've been governed by a series of crazed wingnuts who would rather fuck over their own populace than do something liberals advocate.

          1. BaldarTFlagass

            Ekshually, my good man, Texas generates 9410 MW of wind power annually, number one in the nation, with Iowa following at a distant second place with a paltry 3670 MW. But you can be sure that it's for the money, not for the environmental conscience.
            We're saving West Texas (the desert which you erroneously construe the majority of the state to be made up of) for disposal of nuclear power plant waste from the rest of the lower 48, so no room for solar panels.

          2. GOPCrusher

            And the wingnuts are up in arms about our wind farms here in Iowa, claiming that they have an adverse effect of waterfowl migration patterns. Of course, it's OK to drain the wetlands to gain a few more acres to plant corn and soybeans in.

  10. Oblios_Cap

    That Canuke-ian air has even reached down into America's Dingus™ a few times this winter, taking away one of the only reasons that anybody would want to live in this Republican-infested hellhole.

    I'm sure that somehow it all goes back to NAFTA and the Clintons.

    1. Ruhe

      The cold air flows right down the NAFTA Highway with a bag full of golden Ameros for payin' the tolls.

  11. Serolf_Divad

    Is it true that CPAC is being held in a Minneapolis-St Paul Airport mens restroom this year? Will Rumsfeld's award be given to him by sliding it under the divider between two stalls?

  12. Ruhe

    No! Al Gore was right! And thanks to the tough environmental laws the Canadians adopted way back in the mid 90's their climate has been protected which is why they have so much cold air available to terrorize us with. The answer is our own sweltering piles of trash. We need to containerize the trash and then launch it on small sub-orbital rockets across the border thus forcing the Canadian climate into synchrony with our own and denying them their insidious "white death" weapon. Let the war for the Northern Concavity begin! Go USA!

  13. BaldarTFlagass

    Dealing with this cold, I know now that if I had been at Bastogne or Chosin or Stalingrad or Napoleon's March on Moscow, I'd have been one of the dead guys. Early on. Fuck this shit.

  14. freakishlywrong

    Well, since the assholes are about to roll back clean air and water initiatives, I for one, welcome our Canadian air overlord.

  15. BaldarTFlagass

    No doubt they'll be seeking shelter with you and your uncollapsed roof. I'm sure it will work out very well for them.

    I've seen a snow blower. It's not like a packet of peanuts or a frisbee, how do you get one on your roof? Do you have a crane in the garage?

    1. Monsieur_Grumpe

      I have trebuchet for just such emergencies.

      Actually it is an electric snow blower; it weighs about 35lbs. 15 amps of snow blasting fury. For all you people out there who are considering snow blowing your roof make sure you go with the shingles, not against them. Duh.

      Actually some of the snow is piled so high that I can access the roof by my home made mountains.

      As for the neighbors, I will bury their bodies come spring and claim their land.
      Bwahahahaha ouch.

  16. SorosBot

    Other people got stuck with more snow yesterday? Huh, we've had a shitload of snow for the past few weeks here, but yesterday and today have just been rain; cold, really unpleasant rain, of the type that makes walking outside more uncomfortable than snow, but still just rain.

    Still, nothing lasts forever; not even cold February rain.

  17. el_donaldo

    The fact that CPAC is going to be a faint tint gayer this year might you to believe it might be more fun than before, but it probably just means thicker clouds of self-loathing and denial. But fewer attendees! So that's a plus.

  18. SorosBot

    Since this storm hit places like Texas, where the lack of snow has lead people to build houses with bizarre flat roofs, multiple roof collapses is a real possibility.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      All the snow fell up in North Texas, which is really just South Oklahoma. It's hard to buy a mobile home that comes with a peaked roof, you know.

  19. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I hope someone asks Rummy about his estimate on the cost of the Iraq war.

    “My friend,” Mr. Rumsfeld replied, “if you think we’re going to spend a billion dollars of our money over there, you are sadly mistaken.”

    $772,085,750.236.99 and rising so far.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      He really should be put in the stocks on the public square and cock-punched/kicked in the nuts by every single citizen of this fair land.

    2. Serolf_Divad

      Wow, that stands right up there with Wolfowitz's congresional testimony about how Iraq would be paying for its own reconstruction.

      1. Preferred Customer

        You misheard him. He said "Greeted as Liberals," i.e., given the same greeting that liberals are given on Fox News. Actually, he was pretty accurate with that one.

  20. ManchuCandidate

    Where I live in Canada City, we got jack shit for snow.

    Thanks US America. First it was our comedians. Then it was our tomatoes. Now you're hogging our fucking snow.

  21. OC_Surf_Serf

    …and by “Defender of the Constitution Award” they mean "Used Constitution to Wipe His Ass Award"

    PS…Sunny, 71° and breezy with the Santa Ana's blowin'. Yes, Orange County, California sucks donkey huevos but it does so in 71° weather…going surfing!

    PSS…To all the hosers in my hometown of Wallaceburg, Ontario, currently under a metre of snow, bbbwwwahaa ha ha ha…

    1. PuckStopsHere

      Just you wait until all of SoCal falls into the bleeping Pacific. Happy surfing then sunshine!

  22. HolyMaracas

    Well, the weather made walking the dogs fun this morning…akin to listening to Rush interview Sarah with Nickelback (Canada's hot air mass) playing in the background.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      My dogs wouldn't even go outside. Their water trough is froze solid. I just hope they don't crap on the carpet before the sun comes up and my lodger lets them out.

  23. Boredw/Gravity

    Just exactly how do you get a "Defender of the Constitution" award while you're using it as toilet paper?

  24. metamarcisf

    "Donald Rumsfeld will receive the “Defender of the Constitution Award” – which is to be presented by lifetime achievement winner Chuck Barris.

  25. PuckStopsHere

    Taking care of Business (every day!)
    Taking care of Business (every way!)

    God. Damn. They just don't write 'em like that anymore.

    And to the Canada City resident who pointed out to me the other day on this very War-Blog that Guy LaFleur is from Quebec and not-France, I say, "What, exactly, is the fucking diff? A goddamn Frog is a goddamn Frog. Gordie Howe or GTFO." So there.

  26. Allmighty_Manos

    Just checked out the CPAC speakers' list: HOT, HOT, HOT. We're talking Victoria Jackson, novelty songman Ray Stevens, Ralph Reed, Stephen Baldwin, fat Newt and his 9th wife, Pat Boone, and toe-sucking creep Dick Morris. Don't know which one I want to slug in the stomach first.

    1. SorosBot

      Stephen Baldwin is not just a fundie, but made several movies with Pauly Shore; he deserves the punch since he was punchable even before he became a wingnut.

  27. Allmighty_Manos

    Just checked out the CPAC speakers' list: HOT, HOT, HOT. We're talking Victoria Jackson, novelty songman Ray Stevens, Ralph Reed, Stephen (the unfamous) Baldwin, fat Newt and his 9th wife, Pat Boone, and toe-sucking creep Dick Morris. Don't know which one I want to slug in the stomach first.

  28. prommie

    The cold air mass is demonstrating in support of Democracy! This is an expression of solidarity for the protesters in Egypt and Jordan! The Cold Air Mass of Freedom is spreading all over the world.

  29. lochnessmonster

    The SNOW is Too Damn High! The Bieber fans will be crying in their snow drifts…opening sales to day for tickets…18 inches of snow here.

  30. hollywooddood

    I'm not shocked that CPAC is bestowing the award on Rumsfeld, I'm shocked that he has the balls to show up and accept it. But on second thought, no, I'm not. Never mind.

  31. elviouslyqueer

    Conservative radio show host Rush Limbaugh was presented with the "Defender of the Constitution Award" at CPAC in 2009.

    Well, this just totally legitimizes Rummy's award, given the fine Constitutional scholarly mien Rush commands.

  32. donner_froh

    Donald Rumsfeld will receive the “Defender of the Constitution Award”

    John Wayne Gacy will receive the "Protector of Teen Runaways Award" (posthumously) at the same event.

  33. Sue4466

    Boehner needs the air pollution helps to keep his eyes watering tears flowing for the kids who inherit unbreathable air.

  34. ShaveTheWhales

    Meanwhile, here in mid-Cali, we only had one moderate-sized storm in the entire month of January. Please don't hate us now; save up your emotions and you can spend the summer mocking us as we all die of thirst/go up in flames.

    I blame Reagan for firing the Air-Mass Traffic Controllers back in the day.

    1. natoslug

      We're suffering up here in N. Cali. It's in the low fifties, and I'm probably going to have to put a sweater on for my lunchtime walk to the beach.

  35. Chimp999

    A friend in Canada replied to your above post as follows:

    As is usually the case, the AmeriKans got it wrong again. The winter storm that we are getting today was "born" in Texas. Do you hear Canadians complaining that the snow is coming from the U.S.? No, but then again, no one would expect the Texans to give birth to anything that wasn't the biggest and the best. They wouldn't have seen the storm coming, hell they can't even see the Mexicans crossing into Texas.

    Look at all the money and lives spent looking for the invisible "weapons of mass destruction" in EyeRack. (It is pronounced Iraq.) While we are at it, it is "Mossco" not "MOSS COW"! There are no cows in Moscow. More…

  36. Chimp999

    A friend in Canada replied to your above post as follows:

    At least you don't have to look for our weapons of mass destruction, cold air masses. We send them to you on a regular basis. Sometimes, we even tell you when they are coming. After all, we love you "folks".

    Our Prime Minister is in Washington this week to meet your President. Interesting that Joe Leaverman has just discovered that terrorists are crossing the border from Canada to the U.S. easier than they are crossing from Mexico to the U.S.

    He now wants Canadians be required to obtain visas before entering the U.S. He should try running for Governor in Florida, Arizona, New York, Michigan, California, Texas, and any number of other states that depend on Canadian $$$$$$$$$. More…

  37. Chimp999

    A friend in Canada replied to your above post as follows:
    Instead, perhaps he should encourage the transfer of all of the money being spent in Eyerack, Afghanistan, Iran, Israel, Egypt to the real problem which is finding and eliminating the terrorists already in the U.S., Canada, Britain, France, Germany, and on and on.

    Ah, screw it let's continue to strip search 85 year old ladies with prosthesis after having had a mastectomy. It is easier and employs a lot of uneducated, cheap labour under the guise of "Homeland Security".

    See Chimp, I too can rant!

Comments are closed.