mustache diplomacy

John Bolton Has an Opinion On Egypt: Time To Bomb Iran!

Doooooooo it!So what does John Bolton think about the people of Egypt rising up against their dictator? Must be time to bomb Iran, of course. “I don’t think there’s much time to act. And I think the fall of a Egyptian government committed to the peace agreement will almost certainly speed that timetable up.” This guy loves bombing Iran! Click the handy John Bolton tag below and learn about our past stories about this man, such as, “John Bolton: Israel Isn’t Man Enough To Bomb Iran,” “If John Bolton Was President He Could Bomb Iran ‘Whenever,’ Right?,” and “John Bolton Maybe Running For President of Bombing Iran.” The problem is, John Bolton keeps setting “timetables” for bombing Iran, beyond which Iran will have nukes and the entire globe will be on the edge of destruction. But somehow they never pan out. We should have each died approximately twelve times since last summer.

The audio on this seems to come from World War II radio, but that’s about right, because John Bolton is living in a bunker right now, surviving on crates of Cheese Nips.

He should just bomb Iran himself if he wants to do it so badly! Go on Glenn Beck, where they love these crackpot theories, and hold a telethon for yourself to buy some missiles. Get the olds to fork over their Social Security checks, and boom, you’ve bombed Iran and can stop talking about it.

Alternatively, John Bolton can get laid for once. Any volunteers? [Think Progress via Foreign Policy]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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181 comments

  1. Barbara_i

    Alternatively, John Bolton can get laid for once. Any volunteers?
    I volunteer the person who post 4th down from this one. Any takers?

      1. DustBowlBlues

        She should just marry the old creep as a final gift to her lying douchebag of a father. Since he's on borrowed time, anyway, maybe Dick can don his cowboy hat ride the missile down to Tehran, ala Slim Pickens in Doctor Strangelove, making it the most perfect neocon wedding reception ever.

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      Alternatively, since Todd is busy "Tapping the Tundra," as it were, maybe we should just hook Palin and Bolton up. They can fuck the night away while staring at Russia and calling for the bombing of brown people. Throw in a young boy, and it will be the perfect representation of modern Conservatism.

      1. lefty74

        They do a lot of dog style up there in Alaska and Canadia.
        That way they can both watch the hockey game.

      2. MrsBiggTime

        If Sarah takes a mustache ride from Bolton it just may keep them both busy for a while. I'm in.

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    "Bomb Iran" is this guy's answer to every problem that comes up.

    Whew! Beat Barbara_i's gauntlet.

    1. V572625694

      Slim Pickens finest moment:
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgHSDa2Jwqc

      Many years ago I had an AF instructor who'd been a B-47 pilot in the old Strategic Air Command. He said that on "penetration missions" aimed at targets in the Soviet Union, they had screens to lower in the cockpit so the crew wouldn't get blinded by all the nukes that would be going off around them, either from missiles or other bombers — they could fly by radar, of course, and didn't have to see out, although you'd still prefer it. But just in case that didn't work, each air crew member also would put a patch over one eye. If a nuke went off before they could get the screens down, they could just move the patch over to the other eye and drive on towards the target. Good times!

      1. undeterredbyreality

        Well, boys, we got three engines out, we got more holes in us than a horse trader's mule, the radio is gone and we're leaking fuel and if we was flying any lower why we'd need sleigh bells on this thing… but we got one little budge on them Rooskies. At this height why they might harpoon us but they dang sure ain't gonna spot us on no radar screen!

        Yeee Haaahhhhhh!

          1. undeterredbyreality

            Well, what with the three engines out and all, I'm running a little behind. (And I sure ain't talkin' about Bristol.)

  3. SorosBot

    If you've ever listened to fellow crazed anti-Muslim bigot Pam "Atlas Shruggs" Geller talk about Bolton, you'd know there's one very willing and eager volunteer to get the guy laid.

      1. SorosBot

        There's been a bunch of links to her hate-filled, genocidal rants on intern Ben's wingnut roundup; she really hates both Muslims and everybody who is not bigoted against Muslims.

        1. Gay Mexican Intern

          Sort of tells you how many people actually click on those links ("get off the boat"), doesn't it?

          1. SorosBot

            Oh, I read them. It helps that he usually puts them up on Wednesdays and/or Fridays, which are already my usual drinking nights.

        2. mumbly_joe

          As far as I can tell, between her blatant fan-girling of Walmart, and her over-the-top hatred of brown people helping to develop the sad area extending about five blocks above Groud Zero, she also hates the shit out of Manhattan, as well.

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      Yes and if you got the mood just right and then (warning: disgusting imagery to follow) waited until theyse was playin' wax the moustache and then ran an ad nauseum soundtrack of Obama and Bush saying nice things about Muslims the obsessive-compulsive hate and rage will boil over and in a moment of fury overload they'll kill each other, thus improving the world.

      Or for a less nasty variation, maybe getting them both laid might do the trick and the hate-obsession will end, thus improving the world.

      Either way, perfect plan! (Though to be safe, I'd go with option #1)

  4. MinAgain

    What did Iran ever do to him? Bolton ought to bomb whoever convinced him that a bushy mustache and Harry Potter glasses were a good look for him.

    1. SorosBot

      They do make hair coloring for mustaches, so why does the guy dye his hair but not the white 'stache?

      1. Gleem_McShineys

        Well… um… how to put this politely… You see, well…

        It's all the dried cum. (Nevermind)

  5. V572625694

    It's good to see someone recognizes that every day is Bomb-a-Brown day. We've been looking so long and hard since the fall of the Soviet Union for an enemy worthy of our weapons systems. The Muslims aren't really it (no cool factories or rail yards or really much anything worth blowing up), but they'll just have to lie back and enjoy it so we don't lose our critical bomb-manufacturing and bomb-delivering skills.

    1. Ducksworthy

      I think the problem is that Persians aren't Browns, or at least don't consider themselves so as in "I ain't no stinking A-Rab. I'm Persian." Of course, neo-cons make no such subtle distinctions. They have oil, therefore they're browns, therefore, kill em all.

      1. V572625694

        Iranians are justly proud of their ancient culture, literature and art, and many who could have fled the current loony religious regíme. The “great battle” so weirdly depicted in the move “300” was just a border skirmish to the Persian empire

  6. LesBontemps

    Alternatively, John Bolton can get laid for once.

    Hard to believe he's not with a porn-stache like that. Wait, no it isn't.

  7. elviouslyqueer

    Poor Bolton just hasn't been the same since he chopped off all his hair, recorded that horrible opera album, and Nicolette Sheridan divorced him. Oh, wait.

  8. chascates

    We could turn Iran into a giant parking lot and Bolton would insist Syria is the real danger and must be bombed immediately.

    Note to America: Stop propping up Middle Eastern dictators and threatening to bomb their neighbors!

      1. DustBowlBlues

        Saudi Arabia sent a bunch of fuckers over here to fly planes into buildings, which demonstrated the immediate need to invade Afganistan. Wait, wrong country: invade Iraq. So by Republican logic, Egypt is close enough to Iran to justify bombing Iran.

        I just hope China never fucks with us or Nepal is toast. No, wait; Pakistan.

        These morans could use an atlas.

  9. Guppy06

    If he wants to bomb Iran so much, we should lock him into an explosive vest and drop him off at the border.

  10. ManchuCandidate

    Went on TV, mustache all combed
    Want to Bomb Iran, so I thought I'd take a chance
    With Bomb Iran, Bomb Iran
    Hit the button
    You got me nukin' and a-plottin'
    (Oh! Oh!)
    Nukin' and a-plottin'
    Bomb Iran Bomb Bomb
    Bomb Bomb Bomb Bomb Bomb BOMB IRAN!!!

  11. mavenmaven

    What do we do?
    You bomb! You bomb them!
    What do we do?
    You bomb! You bomb them!
    What do we do?
    We bomb! We bomb them!
    What do we do?
    We bomb! We bomb them!…
    Armageddon does the job
    Gog & Magog Gog & Magog
    Armageddon does the job…
    Armageddon for the mob
    Gog & Magog Gog & Magog
    Armageddon for the mob
    Gog & Magog Gog & Magog

    Ginsberg says Gog & Magog
    Armageddon did the job

    1. undeterredbyreality

      "Boom goes Russia, Boom Paree,
      More room for you and more room for me;
      They don't respect us
      so let's surprise 'em
      We'll drop the big one
      and pulverize 'em."

    2. undeterredbyreality

      Boom goes russia, boom paree,
      more room for you and more room for me;
      they don't respect us, so let's surprise 'em,
      we'll drop the big one and pulverize 'em.

  12. slithytoves

    The problem is, John Bolton keeps setting “timetables” for bombing Iran, beyond which Iran will have nukes and the entire globe will be on the edge of destruction. But somehow they never pan out.

    Bolton is like those Xtians who keep predictng the rapture and who then have to keep changing the date. Look at him, there MUST be a wild-eyed brimstone preacher somewhere in his gene pool.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Even the Jehovah's Witnesses founder, whoever that douche was, eventually quit predicting an exact date for the end of the world, or whatever those people think is going to happen. John Bolton, therefore, is dumber than a JW. And that is some kind of dumb.

  13. LionelHutzEsq

    You do have to wonder, if we did bomb Iran, would John Bolton simply disappear in a puff of smoke.

    Anyway, since Glenn Beck says that Egypt is just ACORN getting all uppity with world domination, wouldn't it make more sense to bomb Detroit?

      1. ChessieNefercat

        Eee? I'm in the UAW. Granted, it's the docile Technical, Office, and Professional division, but what did we ever do to deserve bombing? I don't think I'll go on that mean Redstate site.

    1. baconzgood

      Have you been to Detroit since the '80s….Bombing wouldn't make some parts of look much different.

  14. friendlyskies

    Couldn't we just drug him, then lock him in a well-stocked bomb shelter with Spam, gay porn, and an endless loop of faked news reports about how we've won a nuclear exchange with Iran, just barely, thanks only to his warnings? And in 20 years, when everyone is allowed to return to the surface, he will be hailed a hero?

    It would better for him, and us.

  15. SayItWithWookies

    That's weird — I thought our reaction to the Egypt protests should be tax cuts, but Bolton's got the foreign policy cred in the right-wing playpen, so he must know what he's talking about. I mean how can you doubt a guy who thinks that the answer to America's overextension in two wars is a third war?

    1. LesBontemps

      Our reaction must be proportional to seriousness of the situation in Egypt: Tax cuts, banning gay marriage, repealing healthcare reform and bombing Iran, also.

        1. mrblifil

          Don't mock. Someone will have to be paid (in sandwich coupons) for coming up with legal terminology for the many fine gradations between "rape," "forthrightness" and "cockiness."

    2. Preferred Customer

      First two didn't work, but we are getting better. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

      Also, tax cuts.

    1. aguacatero

      Incredible observation. Except this version opens his gay little mail satchel, and says "Speedy Delivery" of:

      A BOMB WITH IRAN'S NAME ON IT.

  16. SorosBot

    Remember how everyone, including even the neocons, were hoping the attempted revolt against Iran's leadership last summer would succeed? Well if there's one way to get the people to get the people to love the US and turn further against their rulers, it would be for the US to blow up a whole bunch of them.

    Oh wait, I meant to get the people to really around their rulers and start hating the US again.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Their answer to all middle east problems were just to have free elections. Remember that? The Repubithugs holding up their purple digits at the SOTU? Then they got all braggy about the fact the Palestinians were having a free elections but shit, they didn't elect our choice. So we and Israel (really, is there any difference?) went back to punishing them. For not exercising their democratic rights in the way we preferred.

      By original neocon logic, for Egypt to have real elections would be the best thing ever. Except they learned their lesson in Palestine, and haven't much talked about that since, have they?

  17. DeeJayKitteh

    Coincidentally, it's also his opinion on boxers vs. briefs, whether New York or Chicago pizza is better, and who will win American Idol this year.

  18. DerrickWildcat

    Listen up Hippies, and listen good!
    While you were running around with daffodils in your hair and smoking the brown acid at your hippie love fest purple haze orgy, Sergeant Major "Howlin' Mad" Bolton was balls deep in the muck of Vietnam! That's right pussies, Howlin' mad Bolton was stringing Claymores from Da Nang to Ho Chi Minh City to ensure that you had the freedom to rub one out to Donovan. If anyone has earned the right to murder everyone on the surface of the Earth… it's our most decorated war hero ever: Howlin' Mad Bolton!
    Y'all make me sick!

  19. MissTaken

    I would love a John Bolton advice column:

    Dear John –

    My husband wants to have a threeway with me and our latin poolboy Enrique. Does this mean my husband's actually gay?

    Signed,
    Bearded One

    Dear Bearded One –

    Bomb Iran

    Signed,
    John Bolton

  20. Come here a minute

    I must protest this unfair attack on John Bolton. His answer to foreign policy issues is not always, "Bomb Iran." Sometimes it is, "Bomb the United Nations building in New York."

    1. baconzgood

      "Ahhhh yes" Sais Prez Bush "that's the exact kinda fella we need in the U.N.". It amazes me about Dubya's cabinet decisions.

  21. SenileAgitation

    Because liberals are self-swindling sob sisters who lack the fundamental backbone and courage to see the way. Blinded by years of wearing rose-tinted Xray Spex to the abortion clinic gay marriage pride parade for equal rights, they are unable to sense the danger. It is all around!

  22. Terry

    Oh, this is f'ing rich. From his wikipedia page:

    "Bolton supported the Vietnam War and enlisted in the Maryland Army National Guard, but did not serve in Vietnam. He wrote in his Yale 25th reunion book "I confess I had no desire to die in a Southeast Asian rice paddy. I considered the war in Vietnam already lost."[14] In an interview, Bolton discussed his comment in the reunion book, explaining that he decided to avoid service in Vietnam because "by the time I was about to graduate in 1970, it was clear to me that opponents of the Vietnam War had made it certain we could not prevail, and that I had no great interest in going there to have Teddy Kennedy give it back to the people I might die to take it away from.""

    Yeah, John. It was the liberals who prevented you from serving in a war you supported. Yeah, that's it.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Johnny doesn't really understand how the military works* does he? I don't see how all these neocons can think they'll serve their country, but only if they get to be their own little commander and chief and make all the decisions themselves.

      *If you're a soldier, you follow the commands of your superior. Who knew?

  23. PublicLuxury

    A think tank is forming. It will include some of the greatest minds in the world. Leading the group of scholars will be Bolton (Michael). A counter group is also being formed with the Chair being Bolton (John aka Josh aka Asshoke aka Warwhore).

    One group believes they can sing us to peace embracing our differences and the other believes they can annihilate societies and cultures until only their ideals are left.

    1. SorosBot

      Looking at your history, it looks like every one of your comments, both here and at some of the wingnut sites, involve insane antisemitic conspiracy theories, make no sense, and are repeated on multiple threads; it appears people have upfisted you at times because they thought you were being sarcastic.

      1. DustBowlBlues

        Damn. I did just that before I realized it was that guy. You mean he wasn't being sarcastic? What is he, a Beckbot?

        1. SorosBot

          Based on his incoherent rantings, he sounds like a follower of Alex Jones; most of it seems to be some variation of "the Jews did 9/11".

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      "You want me to eat that? I don't even wanna touch that with my hands, let alone putting in my mouth."

    2. prommie

      Good God, I used to live within a half mile of the suburban Jersey outpost of Platos. It was a cause of much whispered legend and speculation in my middle school.

      1. mrblifil

        There was a girl in my dorm at NYU who used to wear a Plato's t-shirt. She sported a Cleopatra haircut and wore heavy eye makeup, but she had the rockingest body south of 14th street. One time she gave me the come-hither look, but I imagined fat sweaty people fucking around us and I demurred. Lucky for me, I probably would have ended up getting tagged anally by John Bolton in the dark, while Cleopatra just laughed and laughed.

  24. hagajim

    John woke up the other day with his 'stache all screwed up and decided that instead of combing it out he'd bomb Iran….at least he's consistently a fucking idiot…oh wait, they all are.

  25. bureaucrap

    For the sake of good oral hygiene, you should bomb Iran after every meal — or every 3,000 miles, whichever comes first.

  26. PublicLuxury

    Hey. Don't be such a tiity-babies! Bolton is a REAL man's MAN. He knows that bombing is the manly thing to do. Bombing is like sex. . . something explodes and makes a mess. Every man wants to bomb something and make a mess. Some just need to make an even bigger mess by bombing entire countries rather than just an old sock.

  27. Zak44

    Give the guy a break. Think how hard it must be to have your foreign policy ideas taken seriously when you look like Captain Kangaroo.

  28. Limeylizzie

    I saw the lovely John Bolton on the street in NYC a few months ago and turned around and followed him into a deli , where he ordered some large meat sandwich, I lurked behind some packages of crisps and took a couple of pics, with my phone, but sadly they were not very clear, if I see him again I am going to tell him I am a big fan and get a photo with his arm round me , both of us smiling blissfully.

    1. user-of-owls

      Well, dearest, that is certainly consistent with your Nazi hanky-panky fantasies. For the love of god, though, you mustn't follow through with this venal canker sore.

    2. Negropolis

      Silly, limey, dear. They are called "chips." You and your crisps for chips, and your biscuits for cookies, and your chips for fries, and your left for your right, and so-forth-and-so-on.

  29. emmelemm

    Re: Alt-text

    Is that some sort of shout-out to the Godfather's Pizza exec who threw his hat into the ring for Prez? (TV commercials… from the 80s… "Doooooo IT!")

  30. Schmegeg

    Well, whacking out Saddam certainly was as easy and profitable as the neocons said it would be so, we should definitly listen to them again.

  31. metamarcisf

    I saw an interview where Laura Ingraham tried to get Bolton to commit to losing the cheesy mustache once he announces his candidacy for President. But he refused. I think he's after Dana Loesch.

    1. FlipOffResearch

      Didn't you know? Chronic giant mustache wearers are often hair-lips. At the very least, they usually think there is something wrong with their top lip.

  32. baconzgood

    "When a man want's to bomb Iran
    Can't keep his mind on nuthin' else
    turn his back on rationale
    just to bomb those browns"

    That one was for you Genxr

  33. prommie

    A debate between this shitbird and Steve Forbes would be like an Andy Kaufman skit, with Bolton answering every question, "bomb Iran," and Forbes answering every question with "the Flat Tax." What day is it, Mr. Bolton? "Today is the day we must Bomb Iran." Mr. Forbes, how would you deal with the situation in Afghanistan? "The flat tax, once enacted, will emit magical happiness rays all the way to Afghanistan, and the people will lay down their arms, form a stable, peaceful democracy, and join us in an era of unprecedented prosperity. Your rebuttal, Mr. Bolton? "We must bomb Iran to show the Afghanis that we will bomb them next."

    1. ttommyunger

      At the end of which, they would fall passionately into each other's arms and make mad, passionate buttsecks.

  34. DustBowlBlues

    As I said, they need maps. OT, sort of: anyone hear the professor take down the Faux news spouting, angry (sorry for being redundant) caller the Talk of the Nation?

  35. mourningnmerica

    It was refreshing to hear from The Brown Bomber again. There have been far too few calls for violence in American polituics recently.

  36. Rotundo_

    Great idea, add a smart assed penguin as a non-sequitir foil/partner only evil, and you'd have the neocon version of the "Tennessee Tuxedo Show" Cheney could be the evil equivalent of Phineas Whoopee.

  37. JackObin

    Hey, slow down there, white moustache douchebag. Texas is ahead of Iran on the "must bomb" list. Then Florida, then New Jersey…THEN Iran.

  38. ttommyunger

    So, Mister "I can't even get confirmed for a Government Job" is still wanting more war. I'll bet there are a shitload of jobless men out there who would love to bump into him in a public restroom, pull that ridiculous mustache down over his knees and relieve him of his wallet and any loose change he might have on him. That would be a good start.

  39. lulzmonger

    As a diplomat, he makes a great neolithic warlord.

    Yes, the last two wars have gone so well for America, why not shoot for the trifecta? Third time's the charm! Stumbling into costly unwinnable quagmires fighting relatively defenseless failed states is an EXCELLENT indicator that attacking a large country with a real army will be a SLAM-DUNK, what with American forces stretched near the limit already. Also, I bet all the other OPEC countries would just LOVE the instant chaos such a genius move would create. Gas at 15 bucks a gallon, anyone?

    Calling Bolton an asshole is an insult to assholes.

    1. mumbly_joe

      I am pretty sure that the sounds that come out of my asshole make for better diplomacy, for instance.

  40. FlipOffResearch

    I can’t look at Bolton without wondering what made him that way. He has the look of a skitchy dog; one you look at and just know it’s going to attack someone. Like a revolver with a hair trigger and the safety off sitting on the coffee table right next to the remote. Larry Craig’s homophobia seemed to be compensation for his gayness, what could Bolton’s vileness be compensation for? What possible symptom or malady can only be assuaged by mass death? Whatever it is – Bolton has it.

  41. Negropolis

    John "Colonel Mustard in the kitchen with a turkey baster" Bolton was easily the strangest of Bush's picks for anything, and that's saying alot. I mean, he makes Ashcroft and Fredo look almost normal in comparison.

  42. rickmaci

    Bombsaway Bolton will never quit. Why does this guy even get one second of media attention. He is the foreign policy equivalent of roller derby.

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