late-twenties rebellion

Half of George W. Bush’s Daughters Are Now Gay-Marriage Advocates


Hey look, it’s that daughter, the one who was the bottom. The other one always seemed to take more after her father; this one, after all, actually seems slightly interested in politics and not quite so much in booze. So not only is Barbara Bush in favor of socialist health care plots (wow, remember that post?), she is also in favor of gay marriage, even though her father bravely tried to defend against this immoral attack on Christendom (when he was up for re-election, that is). Great! Perhaps it would have helped to say these things when her family was relevant to the political agenda.

According to the crack team at the Times, who always somehow know a thing or two about the Ivy League (must be from diligent journalism!), Barbara Bush used to be a minor gay icon:

C. Brian Smith, a friend from college who is gay, recalled that the Yale Ms. Bush inhabited was filled with openly gay students and unbothered by questions about sexuality. “She had that mind-set,” he said. “She was loved by the gay community at Yale.”

This girl spent way too much time with “C. Brians” and not enough with rattlesnakes, a gun, and a Bible as her only friends, it would seem. (Not that her father did. But when he got drunk enough, it seemed like it.)

A spokesman for Mr. Bush said he had no comment. Her sister, Jenna Bush Hager, a correspondent for “Today,” has not publicly discussed the topic.

“It’s time we pass a constitutional amendment against Barbara. Not that we have anything against people who are Barbara!” [NYT]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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105 comments

  1. Buzz Feedback

    Only problem is, HRC has done as much to advance the cause of gay marriage as Barbara's daddy did. Two snaps and your backfield in motion.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I remember that from my ninth grade yearbook. The back featured notable events from the preceding year (1993, into '94), including a married couple in Holland who had fraternal twins after in vitro. One twin, white (donor sperm from husband?), the other, mulatto (due an improperly cleaned specimen dish (so the story went)).

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    Well, the gays are underprivileged anyway, so having Barbara Bush on their side will work out very well for them.

    Oh, not that Barbara Bush? Sorry.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        I think, at this point, they only use the Astrodome for rodeo & the occasional trade-show, so it's available. Why not make it the Gayza Strip?

    1. DoktorZoom

      That Barbara Bush supports the rights of gay people to be stuffed into mason jars and kept on a shelf. In the closet, of course.

  3. horsedreamer_1

    Like her mother, Barbara Bush petite-fille has a bit too much interest in Cosmopolitans, & pair that predilection to an East Coast teeming with bohemes, bon-vivants, & queers, & it's only a matter of time before drunken slurring of Liza Minelli's oeuvre begins.

  4. V572625694

    "the Yale Ms. Bush inhabited was filled with openly gay students…" If that also the case when Chimpy and his daddy attended that fine institution, it would explain a lot of things.

  5. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Just hope she doesn't come to god and become one of those bitter and resentful dry-alcoholics. Not that that's common in her family or anything.

  6. CrunchyKnee

    Barb's drunken father couldn't have given two shits about gay marriage. He just said he was "agin it" for the votes from Hoveround riders.

    1. Oblios_Cap

      I always thought he was a closet queen who loved pole smoking. Having Babs as a mom would sour anyone on women.

  7. LiveToServeYa

    Today, we are all unrelated to George W. Bush. Let us thank all the respective Powers we worship or none at all for that.

  8. DashboardBuddha

    Kids…you sacrifice, you worry, you do everything you can to bring them up correctly. Then, they turn around and bite you in ass by doing the right thing.

  9. Troubledog

    Obviously received that awesome haircut as compensation for the endorsement. Straight guys can't cut hair like that.

  10. EdFlintstone

    Wow these young republicans are making the GOP seem so cool. Hell in another 20 years they will be able to openly come out and support evolution.

    1. SorosBot

      Her and Megs McCain certainly fall far from the tree when it comes to social issues; pity Megs ain't all that bright.

      1. natoslug

        She may not be all that bright, but she's got some nice headlamps.
        (why yes, I DO seem to have reverted to 13 today . . . )

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      In another 20 years (hell, a lot sooner, if my experience is any guide) they'll be registered Democrats.

    1. Not_So_Much

      Not enough krazee in the eyezballz. But, we have photographic evidence that she certainly knows her way around a red cup. Party on!

    1. BarryOPotter

      I totally read that as "clearing bush" and expected you to go in a different direction… Bummer.

      1. Negropolis

        I read it the same way. I guess that what you call doing Mary Magdalene. I'm going to hell, obviously.

  11. user-of-owls

    About now, her hate-spittled grandmother is probably muttering, "Where's Paula when you need her?"

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        My mother was a Hoare until the day she married my dad. My grandma, on the the other hand became one the day she married grampa.

        Neighborhood kids used to say "Let's down to the Hoare house and play."

    1. JustPixelz

      Worse if you're a boy named Bush. And worst if you're a drunk, cheerleader, C- student whose can't read at the "bin Laden Determined to Attack in U.S." level of comprehension.

  12. randoracer

    I so hate this entire family — including all of the devil-spawn — with a white-hot passion that knows no depths, but … I'd do a three-way with Babs and her girlfriend.

    1. MsQuasimodo

      Men – always willing to compromise their most treasured values when fantasies of pussy is involved.

  13. thefrontpage

    Barbara Bush is hot! How's she feel about sum wimmin-on-wimmin gay marriage! Hey, what if Barbara Bush, Mary Cheney and Mecan't McKeg all got together and

  14. Oblios_Cap

    Damn. There goes my fantasy of hate-fucking both the Bush daughters. I guess I'll have to donkey punch Jenna twice and let Barbara slide.

  15. LakeAfflicted

    A genetic anomaly, like her cousin Lauren who goes around promoting environmentalist causes at fashion shows. The House of Bush has been trying to breed these tendencies out of the line, but is still plagued by occasional human progeny.

  16. MistaEko

    And as is tradition with Bush siblings, Barbara finds her nascent political career to be cut short, while Jenna is fast-tracked for a run in the 2020s after her born-again conversion.

  17. thefrontpage

    According to Page Six, Pierce Bush and Alvin Greene are now openly dating, and they were recently seen sipping champagne, lightly laughing, and criticizing fashion choices and handbag sizes at a recent exclusive fashion show and designer runway event sponsored by Lauren Bush in the trendy SoHo neighborhood in New York City!!! Everyone was later seen dancing together into the wee hours at a party at The Yale Club sponsored by Elton John, Tommy Tune, Boy George and Liza Minnelli!!

  18. tbogg

    If she really believed in sexual equality, she would agree to co-star in a remake of Bound with Meghan McCain. Otherwise, it's all just talk…

  19. horsedreamer_1

    Has a little bit of Chelsea Clinton to her. Any chance Bill was hitting up on Laura, on the sly, 'round '84?

  20. donner_froh

    Just checking her hair and make-up it seems that Barbara no longer suffers from the dreaded NGF (No Gay Friends) syndrome that causes those suffering from it to appear at events or on TV looking horrid or at least not fabulous.

  21. GregComlish

    Sure, everyone give Barbara Jr. a pass, but what about Mary Cheney? When she endorsed gay Marriage, all people could do was talk about what a hypocritical sack of shit she was, how she betrayed the gay community and squandered her opportunity to take a courageous stance when it counted. Why? Probably because Barbara is hot and because she pleads for poor African children while Mary Cheney is not hot and her visage is a vicious facsimile of her ghoulish father whose torture regime she has aggressively and repeatedly defended on national television.

    1. Oblios_Cap

      Mary Cheney is a hypocritical sack of shit for many reasons unrelated to her sexuality. That having been said, she is not in the same shitstain league as her older sibling Liz, who apparently inherited more evil from their sire, Darth Cheney.

  22. Barbara_i

    Today we are all Barbara! Well, I am and the rest of you are on your own.
    Snark aside, I appreciate this young lady speaking out without asking for a big Tiger Woods-sized check and a few bags of swag to go. This is how it is done, Bristol! When you believe in something you support it, it doesn't support you.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      That's the difference between Old Political Money (your Bushes and Kennedys) and Nouveau Grift. A Palin thinks "Noblesse Oblige" means "I'm your girlfriend now, give me your Subway Melt!"

  23. OneYieldRegular

    I'm withholding full comment until I see whether her father follows John McCain's example and comes forth to issue, gratuitously, some rabid defense of hetero-only marriage so that his daughter can be thoroughly humiliated.

  24. GregComlish

    I did.

    Rhetorically, I was trying to feign sympathy for Cheney and then expose her as a disgusting fraud thereby heightening the contrast between her and Barbara. It was a stab at a sort-of John Oliver/ Daily Show take on the situation. In retrospect, that rhetorical strategy was too ambiguous and vulnerable to being interpreted as a genuine defense of Mary Cheney. I would have thought that describing Cheney as a "vicious facsimile of her ghoulish father whose torture regime she has aggressively and repeatedly defended" would have blunted that interpretation, but given the bold insanity prevalent in the Troll Community I can understand why somebody might misunderstand.

    Anyway, I've learned my lesson. Next time I'm just calling Mary Cheney an authoritarian cunt and leaving it at that.

  25. PhilippePetain

    Babs is obviously the more attractive of the two, but, considering Jenna's resemblance to certain family members, I'm thinking She's more deserving of a good fury-fuck. Amirite?

  26. chascates

    Her twin sister Jenna was too intoxicated to comment. And her father was out cycling with Jesus.

    1. Negropolis

      It's funny, because it was Jenna who went all straight-and-narrow after her teen years. Jenna turned into this frumpy humanitarian turned media employee.

  27. mourningnmerica

    OK, I see a really hot Republican chick speaking. So, naturally, I begin masturbating. But wait, what's this? Where is the spewing of hate? Where is the batshit? When I realized what she was saying, I lost (involuntarily, I assure you) my erection. Now I am angry and confused, with feelings of worthlessness. Damn it, I guess you can't count on anything these days…

  28. ttommyunger

    When awakened from his drunken stupor and informed of this familial transgression, Daddy sat bolt upright, farted once and fell back asleep mumbling something about pretzels, tacos and tax cuts.

  29. JackObin

    Wow, two Yale illiterates in one family! I wonder if young Babs knows how hard it is for her father to put food on her.

  30. Panty_Buns

    OMG, I'm in a state of shock and denial. I can't believe that the apparently intelligent young woman in that video could be related in any way to George W. Bush, the most retarded member of the Bush crime family.

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