Hey! Super Bowl 666 (sorry – Super Bowl DCLXVI) is just days away. Which group of plus-sized men wearing leggings and suffering from multiple concussions/severe dementia will win? And will there be a multitude of funny beer commercials, for Rancid Piss Lite, et cetera, for all the miserable people watching on their HD wide-screens at home? And will U2 play the bongos on Janet Jackson’s exposed nipples, during the MTV “halftime show”? And will lots of peeling middle-aged men eat buckets of chicken-fried Crisco and have sex with child sex slaves? This is America, so obviously “yes.”
The New York Times sent a crackerjack reporter down to Arlington, Texas — the host city for this year’s entertainment orgy — to investigate the food scene, so that people will know where to go for the best heart disease in town. (This same newspaper also sent their best reporter to Iraq in 2003, to find out if there were Weapons of Mass Destruction. Haha, just kidding.) But did you know that there’s also a lot of sex trafficking that takes place before, during and after America’s favorite sports spectacle?
As thousands of football fans descend on Texas for Sunday’s Super Bowl, law enforcement agencies are keeping watch for a different kind of out-of-town visitor: pimps selling children for sex.
…
Pimps hawking young girls see the thousands of men who travel to the Super Bowl each year as a gold mine of potential clients. Police in and around host cities have tried for years to crack down on prostitution by conducting stings or increasing patrols during Super Bowl week. Only in recent years have underage girls come to light in increasing numbers.
Southern Lard and sex trafficking. These are the two things that keep America shinning so bright. Oh, and also “football.” [Seattle Times/NYT]
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I'm watching the Super Bowl this year at The Hangar Club, with Barbara Bush, Mary Cheney and Mecan't McKeg!
I'm watching the Puppy Bowl instead. Less lard and underage hookers.
However, the Puppy Bowl and the Super Bowl are about equal in ass-licking.
so you prefer under age k9 tail….
Kitty halftime show FTW.
i never knew that fussboll could be so interesting. must go there next time. what are the rules?
The Superbowl has come to symbolize everything that is wrong with America.
I agree: (1.) Domestic violence – up; (2.) DUI's / DWI's – up; (3.) Wild betting with money the bettors don't have – up.
I am still fascinated by all the fuss about Janet Jackson's nipple being exposed for about two seconds while at the start of the game the cameras showed blood pouring from a player's broken nose and everyone thought that was cool…
The domestic violence statistics, as with the avocado consumption statistics, are trumped up.
HD One: While I wouldn't doubt there are some made-up numbers regarding this, I hazard the opinion there is still far more domestic violence on Superbowl Sunday than on many other Sundays. And certainly far more than there should be on any day – Zero.
It seems this is essentially entirely an urban legend: http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/2546/doe… http://www.snopes.com/crime/statistics/superbowl….
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2010/02/04/…
Guy Fieri will be there again this year, so yes. Point well taken.
With Troy Polumalu and Clay Matthews taking turns punching him in the face? You know, for civility?
Don't forget that there will be nonstop coverage for a mere 11 minutes of actual football: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704…
If you want real action, MotoGP starts in a month.
Everything about America has come to symbolize everything that's wrong with America.
Well, of course: what did you think the "ball" in football meant?
Superbowl, Schmuperbowl. You want lard and pimps selling children , (boys), for sex wait till the RNC convention in Tampa.
Interestingly, the half-time entertainment for this year's Super Bowl, because it's in this place called Texas, is Up With People, The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, The Joel Osteen Singers, The Righteous Brothers, The Von Trapp Family Singers, Pat Boone, Jon Voight, Victoria Jackson and Ted Nugent.
Just tack on Sonseed to that mix and now you're talking futbol.
Once I tried to run, I tried to run and hide.
But Jesus came and found me and He touched me down inside.
He is like mountie, He always gets His man, and He'll zap you any way he can.
Zap.
Jesus is a friend of mine…
I take full responsibility for invoking that infernal band and infernal song, now playing in an endless loop in my head.
It has a way of doing that, doesn't it?!
Up With People, my parents favorite rock group, actually played the big game thrice, in 1976, 1982 and 1986.
The Osmonds used to be my favorite metal band.
Tom Waits or RL Burnside would be insanely great Super Bowl halftime acts.
Or Leonard Cohen. Could you imagine how crazy the football crowd would get for Leonard Cohen?
Hallelujah or GTFO!!!
Cohen, Waits and Dylan: the Three Gravelthroats. I can see a series of concerts at the Acropolis, the Coliseum, Central Park. PBS could run it during every annual whine-a-thon for the next 50 years.
Four times.
Hey, Touchdown Jesus doesn't look like Rush Limbaugh!
I call photoshopping.
~
Wow. The group, called Traffick911, apparently is very aware of the sex trade in America, referring to a Christian commitment of abolition for sex slaves.
Hmm. Must be Protestant.
Not a word about guns. Not one fucking word.
Covered by the AK-47 featured in the ad to the right.
Has Tejas been splurged?
guns don't need no words…just bullets
I hate Super Bowl Sunday as much as I hate the fucking Notre Dame Fighting Irish. As much as I hate Saint Patricks Day, and as much as I hate Mothers Day and my Anniversary.
Arbor Day? Got a problem with that? How about Shrove Tuesday?
Fucking pancakes on shrove tuesday, man, that fucking frosts my shorts, too.
Fuck the fucking pancakes on Shrove Tuesday, prommie. Come down to South Louisiana and get your fill of boobs, booze, and beads!
What about Groundhog Day? Doesn't everyone love a groundhog, if the groundhog is not digging up their garden and scaring their dogs?
Preaching to the choir, here. And dogs are pussies.
Glad to see they're on top of this child sex trafficking for the Super Bowl. Don't strain yourselves the rest of the time, though. Wouldn't want anyone important to get caught in your web.
PS – Welcome back Riley, we missed you!
Second the PS.
Riley did Ken finally spring for your bail?
i'm glad Wags escaped! Remember, Riley – just keep applying that cream that the nice doctor gave you and the anal swelling should go down in no time; I hear Andy's hung like a bug fucker.
Yes, welcome back!! Glad they let you out of the pen to come play again.
I dunno, SoBo, maybe Bono will show us BOTH his nipples, hm?
2 out of 3 ain't bad.
With the Packers in the Super Bowl, you could have already imagined Mark Chmura would find his way down there. & then — you mentioned the underage sex-workers!
C'est fantastique!
I should think Chewy & Roethlisberger will be doing it up proper-like.
Patronizing child prostitutes? Huh. Perhaps Packer Backer has a second meaning with which I was previously unfamiliar.
Actually, this year is the Black Eyed Peas.
So there you go…
An increase in child prostitution? I find that hard to believe, when I watch football the last thing I want is some kids in the room.
And its on FOX. It doesn't get any better than that.
Sharron Angle and a caravan of pickup trucks just arrived to make sure you can exploit children as the founding fathers intended.
Not that it really matters, but It's actually
Fugly Fergie's BunchBlack Eye Peas this year. The perfect band to satisfy the entertainment needs of overweight, undereducated, capitalism loving Americans.So instead of a once-good band long past their prime, they're going for a group that has always sucked; um, yay?
Hey, that could be a Superbowl First? I don't have a list of all the former halftime acts…
3 words – Up. With. People.
I'm holding auditions for an alternative group called "Up Yours, People."
Let's see…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Superbowl_half_time_…
For some reason the early Superbowls used college marching bands, which are never good. For other acts who have always sucked, I see Andy Williams, New Kids on the Block, Gloria Estefan, a bunch of country singers, the re-formed Blues Brothers with John Goodman and Jim Belushi, Phil Collins, Shania Twain, Kid Rock, and now the aforementioned Black Eyed Peas.
Any list with Jim Belushi on it has to be a list of terrible things.
If Jesus isn't careful he's gonna get nailed by that cross.
And a penalty flag for a down field forward pass.
That image poses a question: Jesus seems joyful to be playing America's game but I wonder…if he really were playing Sunday and he were a Packer TE and James Harrison intercepted a pass and then Jesus hit Harrison square in the chinstrap with the crown of his helmet do you think Jesus would then protest that it was a clean hit? Just wondering.
Well, he'd just have to shake down a few churches for their tithes to pay the $75K fine.
Do you have to have be a wide load to watch a wide screen?
Would it be unpatriotic to watch on a 22 year old 19" CRT with an analog-to-digital converter and rabbit ear antennae?
Why don't you argue for a Muslim caliphate covering North America while you're at it?
Not in Oklahoma, ha ha ha! They're so smart!
What happened to the Bud Bowl? I could really get down with that!
Another interesting thing about the Superbowl is how other networks try to compete…or not compete with the Superbowl. Some networks figure that gays hate they show a Graham Norton or Queer Eye… Marathon. Some think Women hate the Superbowl so they show the 2002 Ice Dancing Championships from Helsinki (gays also seem to like this kind of thing). Girlie movie marathons are very popular. Like, Ghost, The Notebook…stuff like that. Nerds hate the Superbowl too, so look for a Twilight Zone/Star Trek/Dr. Who marathons. Some Networks just plain give up. They don't have anything to compete with the Superbowl. They just raise the White flag of defeat and show Petticoat Junction and My Mother the car all day.
Don't forget the puppy-bowl thing. And the lingerie-bowl.
And what, pray tell, is wrong with the 'Junction'??
I will be watching the Lingerie Bowl instead. Far more entertaining, less misogynistic and way more sincere.
Brain damaged giants, chicken flavored grease and child hookers. So what? This is America. Wags, why do you hate freedom?
At least it isn't that last Repug conference, which I am reliably informed had been infiltrated by queers, with their good taste and superior spending ability.
Chicken-fried teen sex slaves or GTFO!
The Super bowl? Isn't that some kind of advertising competition?
As this is Texas, Arlington is also preparing for the arrival of Ben Roethlessberger by making sure all attractive young women have their concealed handgun on them at all times.
Fire me up an anus burger! NO RHINOS!
Refritos (that's refried beans for you Gringos) object to being tarred by association with the Super Bowl. Only Mexican placekickers are allowed in the game, after all.
But don't drink the water!
Too obscure? Probably.
As horrendous and (apparently) Wonkettily-incorrect as it may be, I still like watching pro football, back to the first SB I remember watching, when Namath made good his prediction of vict'ry. Maybe it's because I am an old. But I am a liberal; I guess this is just a little backsliding on my part, the knuckles (of one hand) dragging on the ground every Sunday (and Monday night) between September and February. I'll be much better next week, I promise.
I'm even older, and I can report that the circuses (circi?) were entertaining, and the bread was tasty!
Assumptions and surmises being what they are, I'm of the opinion that you probably don't fuck children, either.
So "win" for the Packers — on a sadly coincidental weekend that marks an increase in varying kinds of abusive behaviour.
Nah, not my bag. Hell, I'm scared of women under 35.
Having been a Pats fan since the days of Babe Parilli, I've already suffered my disappointment for the season, to add to the long list going back over four decades. I'm usually an AFC guy, but having hated the Steelers for almost as long as I've loved the Pats, I'm definitely pulling for the Packers. I'm sure there will be plenty of lard-derived snackage products and a half-gallon of Bacardi Limon laid before the Mitsubishi Big Screen Altar at the Flagass household this Sunday, but no children allowed.
You are not alone there are lots of old liberals that like the football.
Me too. You can simultaneously recognize the absurdity or something and still love it.
Football, rock n' roll, "Star Trek," my wife, etc.
If you eat a sausage while doing intercourse with an underage prostitute, a Xe mercenary gets his wings.
Doggie-style is best for watching TV, that way you can both still watch the game, bend her over the couch.
I don't think you have to have a Super Bowl for sex trafficking though, Rush seems to find it quite easily in the Dominican.
Jeepers Mr. Waggaman! The way you describe the Super Bowl almost makes me want to watch it… almost.
Go Steelers!
The Superbowl is America au-nacho-ral.
That picture makes me uncomfortable in ways that are hard to describe.
The Super Bowl teaches our children a valuable life lesson: when your loyal comrades are wounded, bleeding, writhing in pain on the ground, you should just stand around like nothing's happening. It's not as if it's your problem.
Young girl prostitutes? What is this, a no Republican congressman Superbowl?
Don't be silly. That would have to involve young BOY prostitutes.
This being Texas, most of the "underage prostitutes" will be four-legged. Or male.
It'll be a great weekend to get away to the ski hill. No lift lines, fewer families clogging up the cafeteria lines…good times!
So, has anyone ever rolled a 300 in this "Super Bowl"?
From the picture at top, my guess would be that Jesus probably has. Jesus Quintana, that is.
Well, 300 seems to be about average these days. You're talking about offensive linemen, right?
22 giant steroid mutants slamming into each other over and over. Large men in tight shiny pantlets bending over and presenting their buttocks to the large men behind them. Now that's entertainment!
So Favre's in?
A couple of decades ago my wife and I headed out for a Costco run in Seattle. We noted that there was hardly any traffic on the streets, but didn't think much about it. When we got to Costco we found that we pretty much had the place to ourselves. After finally asking an employee we found that it was Super Bowl day. Thank you football addicts for clearing the riffraff out of the way that day.
I resent the NFL for telling everyone how old I will be this weekend. Stupid roman numerals….
Jesus is enticing that kid to toss him a forward lateral, which is going to lead to a five-yard penalty at the spot of the foul, and loss of down. Dick move, Jesus.
I hate it when World Net Daily type sexual panic invades the Wonkette. I'm sure this "child prostitutes! At the superbowl!" is as reasonable a narrative as the whole "domestic violence increases on Super Bowl Sunday" myth.
Well, I was throwing things at my TV last year after some retard gave Tebow's psychotic Jesus-freak mutant schizo delusional mom air space DURING THE SUPER BOWL to tell teh ladiez that they should all not be allowed to have choices in their lives, because she CHOSE to be a missionary in a country where she didn't have a choice, and because she CHOSE to stop taking multivitamins and doctor-prescribed medicines after the voices in her head (that she nicknamed "god") told her to.
So yeah. There's that. But I'm sure if they keep her and her crybaby son away from this year's game, they'll be no need to throw things.
Keep snatchin' those babbies!
Don't know who down-fisted you for this delightful memory, but I fixed it.
Thanks, bro. (Sis?)
Hope that Ben Roethlisberger get his sexual assaulting done early so that he'll be able to focus on the game. Go Green Bay! (really, go Chargers-too late)
Where can I get that adorable 'Jesus Playing Football' print? Seriously, I love Jesus Kitsch.
Dropkick me Jesus, through the goalposts of life…
I bet you can get a print at Kinkade's website.
Headline fail: should be "Cum for the Sex Slaves, Stay for the Lardy Food"
Yes, underage prostitutes is a bad thing. The implication is overage prostitutes are OK. But isn't that also bad (and sad)? Our outrage has
evolvedchanged to Texas standards.Super Bowl in Texas. Half-Time show has to include Toby Keith teabagging Ted Nugent to the tune of "God Bless America". Have I forgotten anybody? Oh, yeah, fuck you Sarah Palin and your unfortunate looking daughter, Bristle.
My boyfriend talked me into shinning him once. I didn't care for it.
Passion Of The Burger King? At this rate, Jesus will look like SkoalRebel in two years.
What's this? Ozzy Osbourne and Justin Bieber duet during halftime? How is this going to play to Ozzy's image? What is he thinking?!
You think Ozzy gives a fuck, anymore, about anything? He'd pimp himself out to WalMart for the right price.
Jesus is my quarterback. He runs the Wildcat.
The courts eventually threw out that fine related to Janet Jackson's nipple, so there's no excuse for not bringing Janet's nipple back for an encore!
Not much between despair and STD's.
Raspapalooza.
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