THE GRAY LADY HAS ALZHEIMER'S  9:20 pm January 31, 2011

Huntsman Using Secret Mormon Time Machine To Run For “2010″ Presidency

by Jack Stuef

Also: Give polio a chance, asshole!
How is this not bigger news, New York Times? The ambassador to China has resigned to go back in time and run for a special midterm presidential election nobody knew about? Nice try, Huntsman, but although the unenlightened media couldn’t see it or understand the rules at the time, Alvin Greene already won that election. And he will continue to win it. Because he will not try to win it. [screengrab courtesy Wonkette operative "Ryan T."]

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Hola wonkerados.

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nounverb911 January 31, 2011 at 9:23 pm

They must be using the "West Wing" election calendar. Isn't Santos running for reelection?

Barbara_i January 31, 2011 at 9:23 pm

He has the same confusion that Palin has. She acts as though she is unaware that she lost. She thinks she has the home version of Veep and can just run the country from behind her computer.

PuckStopsHere January 31, 2011 at 10:29 pm

"…just as soon as somebody explains to me what it is the Vice President does."

PresBeeblebrox February 1, 2011 at 12:06 am

With Palin, her home edition of Veep is obviously Veep ME since it keeps crashing and behaving erratically.

DataSnake February 1, 2011 at 6:39 am

Now that's just mean. Windows ME is more stable than Snowbilly ever was.

Sparky_McGruff February 1, 2011 at 9:35 am

I think of Sarah Palin as more like Microsoft BOB. Its completely useless, and generally misses the point. And like Bob gave birth to "Clippy", the annoying paperclip that stuck around far longer than it should have, well, Sarah brought us Bristol.

Dudleydidwrong January 31, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Nothing wrong here. We're going backward anyway so let's start the re-runs now.

twaingirl January 31, 2011 at 9:30 pm

Government's Dietary Advice: Eat less because it's not like you can afford food for much longer.

JustPixelz February 1, 2011 at 7:17 am

That's why we should all buy Goldline certificates. They're full of nutritious vitamin BS and American-grown stoopid. Plus fiber.

metamarcisf January 31, 2011 at 9:31 pm

This misstep, along with Palin conflating N. & S. Korea are simple slips of the tongue (or keyboard). Whereas Obama's reference to 57 states or mixing up Afghanistan & Iraq are critical errors, made all the more serious by the fact that he really doesn't know any better. That's why I'm voting for Rep. Michele Porkmann (R) MN in the 2010 presidential erection.

twaingirl January 31, 2011 at 9:47 pm

Obama makes mistakes because he is black and we all know blacks ain't that smart. What is Sarah's excuse?

bflrtsplk January 31, 2011 at 9:58 pm

Sarah's just plain stupid.

OC_Surf_Serf January 31, 2011 at 10:22 pm

just plain stupid? please add vindictive, scornful, sleazy, contemptible, scandalous, opprobrious, acrimonious, antagonistic…and a myriad of additional words she wouldn't understand.

Boojum_Reborn February 1, 2011 at 6:51 am

Such as "myriad" and "words."

Pragmatist2 January 31, 2011 at 10:52 pm

She's a Republican.

twaingirl January 31, 2011 at 11:00 pm


JustPixelz February 1, 2011 at 7:22 am

Google "sarah palin mannequin head" or search wonkette archives. Sometimes the real SP head does the talkin', sometimes it's her mannequin head. That's why sometimes we hear stupid, sometimes not-so-much*.
* although I can't cite an example of "not-so-much"

Buzz Feedback January 31, 2011 at 9:33 pm

Biden is going to take a breather and Huntsman will be Barry's VP for 2012.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 31, 2011 at 9:36 pm

Bill Gates is trying to install Windows 7 Anti-Polio throughout the world.

Open sores virus advocates are not pleased.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] February 1, 2011 at 3:05 am

You do know that you're going to hell for that, right?

zhubajie February 1, 2011 at 6:27 am

"Why, this is Hell, nor am I out of it!"

ifthethunderdontgetya February 1, 2011 at 8:55 am

The suspense was killing me.

I figured, "Why not get it over with?"

el_donaldo January 31, 2011 at 9:41 pm

It's an alternate universe with an alternate timeline. Where the Republicans aren't total psycho fucktards, also.

PsycWench January 31, 2011 at 9:42 pm

Back to the Future was really a documentary. Now it can be told.

jim89048 January 31, 2011 at 9:50 pm

Have you tried to source a replacement flux capacitor? Jesus, it's easier to find a replacement Prius battery pack!

neiltheblaze January 31, 2011 at 9:51 pm

The last Republican Ambassador to China who became President didn't turn out so great. Though, compared to his son, he deserves – I don't know – a commemorative mug?

I wouldn't know this particular guy – Huntsman? – if I tripped over him – though I'd probably remember him after.

zhubajie February 1, 2011 at 6:29 am

So how did he get to be ambassador? Aren't ambassadors required to be donors to whatever president's campaigns, and to be dog-shit ignorant of the country they are representing the US to?

neiltheblaze February 1, 2011 at 6:35 am

Yes – and the elder Bush fit the bill perfectly. Nobody can do the kow-tow with the same obsequious flair as George Bush Senior. But Obama was probably trying to be all bipartisan choosing Huntsman, a trait that's been working out famously, as we all know.

PublicLuxury January 31, 2011 at 9:51 pm

Magic underware and a time machine! Morans really have all the good shit.

LiveToServeYa January 31, 2011 at 9:58 pm

My plan to have myself elected President of the Big Bang is foiled!

bflrtsplk January 31, 2011 at 10:00 pm

2010? What happened to 1968?

mereoblivion February 1, 2011 at 9:38 am

Pat Paulsen's got that one in the bag.

iburl January 31, 2011 at 10:05 pm

RICK! I need your twitter-help! What is a Huntsman? How long does it usually take to clear a bid? TY!

trampndirtdown January 31, 2011 at 10:15 pm

Civil Unions, did you hear that Mark Kirk?

Texan_Bulldog January 31, 2011 at 10:24 pm

All I know is this fellow is too smart, educated & doesn't bring the crazee to Crazy Town–ergo he doesn't stand a chance. You should have stayed in China, dude: the people aren't fat, stupid and have never heard of Snowbilly.

Natl_Indecency_Cmdr January 31, 2011 at 10:42 pm

Dole/Kemp in 96!!!

horsedreamer_1 February 1, 2011 at 9:54 am

NORML to America: George Washington grew Kemp!

Legalize it!

Pragmatist2 January 31, 2011 at 10:47 pm

He is simply trying to get in office before the 2012 end of the world as established by the Mayan calendar. The Mayans, you may recall, are the other lost tribe of Israel.

Redhead February 1, 2011 at 7:48 am

Haven't you heard? The Mayans are wrong. Now the world is ending in May of 2011 (according to this chick's car

BaldarTFlagass February 1, 2011 at 8:18 am

I saw a car a couple months ago, abandoned on the side of the road, with the bright orange police "move this car" sticker stuck on the windshield, and the "In Case of Rapture, This Car Will Be Unmanned" bumper sticker. It really got my hopes up that it had finally happened, but either a lot of assholes that think they have their ticket punched to get sucked up in Jesus' Crazy Straw are wrong, or the guy's car had simply broken down. Better luck next time, I reckon. I will go ahead and mark that chick's May 21 date in my Outlook, hope it won't interfere with my June trip to Puerto Penasco down Sonora way.

Redhead February 1, 2011 at 5:25 pm

You mean Jesus won't take care of changing my oil and putting gas in the car for me?

KathrynSane January 31, 2011 at 11:02 pm

"Afghan stoning videos get attention"

Huh. Good to know the US brought Afghanistan its honored tradition of taping yourself doing dumb shit after smoking pot and uploading it onto YouTube.

Oh, wait.

zhubajie February 1, 2011 at 6:31 am

Probably stoning will come to the USA some time soon. Maybe in Arizona.

BaldarTFlagass February 1, 2011 at 7:05 am

If the stonings come to Arizona, I guess women won't be allowed to participate, (because it's written, that's why). Time to invest in fake beards.

zhubajie February 1, 2011 at 8:21 am

You don't think that public stonings of Hispanic adulteresses (or someother interesting scapegoat) will be used as a tourist attraction?

mereoblivion February 1, 2011 at 9:41 am

I can't wait for the day we wake up to find ourselves in "The Lottery."

PsycWench February 1, 2011 at 9:32 am

I thought they were stoning their VHS videos because VCRs are such a pain in the ass.

Jukesgrrl January 31, 2011 at 11:23 pm

Wow, not quite two years. Thanks for your service, Mr. Ambassador! And I must say resigning WITH an announcement that your next move will be to stab your boss in the back is a creative touch we don't see too often outside the Fortune 100.

Negropolis January 31, 2011 at 11:39 pm

I don't know about you, but I'm scared that the National Black Theater is being threatened, and I'd be even more afraid if I even knew what the National Black Theater was.

BTW, good luck, Hunstman. You know, with that whole pairing yourself up with a then popular Democratic president and then drp him like it was hot after he stumbled, a bit, you traitorous wretch.

Hunstman is the poor man's Mitt Romney. Someone needs to tell the tanned bastard that a good head of hair an/or a tan doesn't automatically enter you into the presidential sweepstakes.

horsedreamer_1 February 1, 2011 at 9:56 am

& yet they hate the Kennedys.

Gratuitous World January 31, 2011 at 11:45 pm

the NYT is also on the Joseph Smith calendar?

SudsMcKenzie February 1, 2011 at 12:11 am

Hey Huntsman, if your really going back to 2010, do me a favor and punch an unknown " The Situation" in the nutz for me.

fuflans February 1, 2011 at 12:33 am

clearly this anti polio campaign is an unwarranted extension of gov't powers.


dogscantlookup February 1, 2011 at 1:25 am
Where we're going
we don't need eyes, also
The repug creed

hooray4anything February 1, 2011 at 1:59 am

I actually think the better headline is about how "critics say" Bill Gates' attempt to stop polio is bad. I guess the Times felt that they wrote too many good things about eradicating polio and had to post an anti-eradicating polio story to appear more balanced.

BaldarTFlagass February 1, 2011 at 7:09 am

I thought polio went out with Connie Francis.

manythousands February 1, 2011 at 8:57 am

Soooo….tell me Connie, is your mother still dead ?

JustPixelz February 1, 2011 at 7:27 am

if he succeeds against polio, perhaps Mr. Gates can then eradicate the "Windows" virus that's tragically infecting computers throughout the world.

ttommyunger February 1, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Speaking for all of us Pro-Polio Americans, may I just say, "Fuck you very much, sir!".

donner_froh February 1, 2011 at 2:08 am

So the Secretary of Defense, in addition finally getting rid of DADT has also decided to invent the Salk Vaccine. Quite a guy.

LionelHutzEsq February 1, 2011 at 3:31 am

Well, 2010 was a good year for Republicans.

Negropolis February 1, 2011 at 6:17 am

Their last hurrah, if you will. It took some of the most virulent hate they've mustered in years by one of the most hateful movements we've seen in years to drag their ass across the victory line. It's like when you strike a fatal blow against something, and it uses its last bit of energy to totally self-destruct which damages you, but ends up totally exhausting the rest of its life.

If the Tea Party thinks it can play the same trick twice and sustain the level of paranoia and hate they have for another election cycle, they've got another thing coming.

BaldarTFlagass February 1, 2011 at 7:10 am

Pyrrhic victory?

mereoblivion February 1, 2011 at 9:43 am

And peerless.

Come here a minute February 1, 2011 at 8:29 am

And it will be again, if Ambassador Huntsman has anything to say about it.

Numbat_Dundee February 1, 2011 at 7:13 am

The Huntsman spider is very common here in Australia. It is enormous, almost Tarantula-like in size, and scares the living bejeezus out of the unwary, but is in fact completely harmless. Some eccentric types have been known to keep them as pets.

ttommyunger February 1, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Fuck that!

weejee February 1, 2011 at 9:25 am

So looking at the screengrab we've got some fat, stoned Afghan huntsman who tossed his rifle to ghey marry some Microsoftie who had polio in Illinois. Is that about right, or do I have a confused once again?

Oblios_Cap February 1, 2011 at 9:34 am

The Wild Huntsman's Present

As two countrymen were coming late one night through the Sonienbusch, one of them quite drunk, the other being a pious, sober man, they suddenly heard at a distance a cracking of whips, barking of dogs, and tramp of horses.
"God preserve us, here's the Wild Huntsman!" said the sober countryman; but the drunkard laughed and said, "I would fain know what the foul fiend catches," and then in a loud voice cried, "Holla Sir Hunter, pray give me part of your game."

At this the other crossed himself, and they pursued their way home.

On the following morning, when the drunkard's wife would go out to fetch water, she found, on opening the door, the hind quarter of an ox that had died in the village about a month before, and had been thrown on the common laystall, and which stank horribly, and was full of worms and maggots.

Sounds about right.

BaldarTFlagass February 1, 2011 at 9:40 am

Are these Wonkette guys coming to work today? I've been looking at these last-night posts for three hours now…

MinAgain February 1, 2011 at 9:52 am

That's nothing. The Tennessee General Assembly is trying to take my state back to the 1950's.

Worthly Wokette Skum February 1, 2011 at 3:46 pm

"Here's the dildo"

ttommyunger February 1, 2011 at 5:13 pm

"Vote for Huntsman! Pretty as Pence but not nearly as dumb!"

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