the gray lady has alzheimer's

Huntsman Using Secret Mormon Time Machine To Run For “2010” Presidency

Also: Give polio a chance, asshole!
How is this not bigger news, New York Times? The ambassador to China has resigned to go back in time and run for a special midterm presidential election nobody knew about? Nice try, Huntsman, but although the unenlightened media couldn’t see it or understand the rules at the time, Alvin Greene already won that election. And he will continue to win it. Because he will not try to win it. [screengrab courtesy Wonkette operative “Ryan T.”]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • nounverb911

    They must be using the "West Wing" election calendar. Isn't Santos running for reelection?

  • Barbara_i

    He has the same confusion that Palin has. She acts as though she is unaware that she lost. She thinks she has the home version of Veep and can just run the country from behind her computer.

    • PuckStopsHere

      "…just as soon as somebody explains to me what it is the Vice President does."

    • http://www.wonkette.com PresBeeblebrox

      With Palin, her home edition of Veep is obviously Veep ME since it keeps crashing and behaving erratically.

      • DataSnake

        Now that's just mean. Windows ME is more stable than Snowbilly ever was.

        • Sparky_McGruff

          I think of Sarah Palin as more like Microsoft BOB. Its completely useless, and generally misses the point. And like Bob gave birth to "Clippy", the annoying paperclip that stuck around far longer than it should have, well, Sarah brought us Bristol.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Nothing wrong here. We're going backward anyway so let's start the re-runs now.

  • twaingirl

    Government's Dietary Advice: Eat less because it's not like you can afford food for much longer.

    • JustPixelz

      That's why we should all buy Goldline certificates. They're full of nutritious vitamin BS and American-grown stoopid. Plus fiber.

  • metamarcisf

    This misstep, along with Palin conflating N. & S. Korea are simple slips of the tongue (or keyboard). Whereas Obama's reference to 57 states or mixing up Afghanistan & Iraq are critical errors, made all the more serious by the fact that he really doesn't know any better. That's why I'm voting for Rep. Michele Porkmann (R) MN in the 2010 presidential erection.

    • twaingirl

      Obama makes mistakes because he is black and we all know blacks ain't that smart. What is Sarah's excuse?

      • bflrtsplk

        Sarah's just plain stupid.

        • OC_Surf_Serf

          just plain stupid? please add vindictive, scornful, sleazy, contemptible, scandalous, opprobrious, acrimonious, antagonistic…and a myriad of additional words she wouldn't understand.

          • Boojum_Reborn

            Such as "myriad" and "words."

      • Pragmatist2

        She's a Republican.

        • twaingirl

          Win.

      • JustPixelz

        Google "sarah palin mannequin head" or search wonkette archives. Sometimes the real SP head does the talkin', sometimes it's her mannequin head. That's why sometimes we hear stupid, sometimes not-so-much*.
        _______________________
        * although I can't cite an example of "not-so-much"

  • Buzz Feedback

    Biden is going to take a breather and Huntsman will be Barry's VP for 2012.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Bill Gates is trying to install Windows 7 Anti-Polio throughout the world.

    Open sores virus advocates are not pleased.
    ~

    • Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

      You do know that you're going to hell for that, right?

      • zhubajie

        "Why, this is Hell, nor am I out of it!"

      • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

        The suspense was killing me.

        I figured, "Why not get it over with?"
        ~

  • el_donaldo

    It's an alternate universe with an alternate timeline. Where the Republicans aren't total psycho fucktards, also.

  • PsycWench

    Back to the Future was really a documentary. Now it can be told.

    • jim89048

      Have you tried to source a replacement flux capacitor? Jesus, it's easier to find a replacement Prius battery pack!

  • neiltheblaze

    The last Republican Ambassador to China who became President didn't turn out so great. Though, compared to his son, he deserves – I don't know – a commemorative mug?

    I wouldn't know this particular guy – Huntsman? – if I tripped over him – though I'd probably remember him after.

    • zhubajie

      So how did he get to be ambassador? Aren't ambassadors required to be donors to whatever president's campaigns, and to be dog-shit ignorant of the country they are representing the US to?

      • neiltheblaze

        Yes – and the elder Bush fit the bill perfectly. Nobody can do the kow-tow with the same obsequious flair as George Bush Senior. But Obama was probably trying to be all bipartisan choosing Huntsman, a trait that's been working out famously, as we all know.

  • PublicLuxury

    Magic underware and a time machine! Morans really have all the good shit.

  • LiveToServeYa

    My plan to have myself elected President of the Big Bang is foiled!

  • bflrtsplk

    2010? What happened to 1968?

    • mereoblivion

      Pat Paulsen's got that one in the bag.

  • iburl

    RICK! I need your twitter-help! What is a Huntsman? How long does it usually take to clear a bid? TY!

  • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

    Civil Unions, did you hear that Mark Kirk?

  • Texan_Bulldog

    All I know is this fellow is too smart, educated & doesn't bring the crazee to Crazy Town–ergo he doesn't stand a chance. You should have stayed in China, dude: the people aren't fat, stupid and have never heard of Snowbilly.

  • Natl_Indecency_Cmdr

    Dole/Kemp in 96!!!

    • horsedreamer_1

      NORML to America: George Washington grew Kemp!

      Legalize it!

  • Pragmatist2

    He is simply trying to get in office before the 2012 end of the world as established by the Mayan calendar. The Mayans, you may recall, are the other lost tribe of Israel.

    • Redhead

      Haven't you heard? The Mayans are wrong. Now the world is ending in May of 2011 (according to this chick's car http://www.newsobserver.com/2010/12/20/872198/cru

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I saw a car a couple months ago, abandoned on the side of the road, with the bright orange police "move this car" sticker stuck on the windshield, and the "In Case of Rapture, This Car Will Be Unmanned" bumper sticker. It really got my hopes up that it had finally happened, but either a lot of assholes that think they have their ticket punched to get sucked up in Jesus' Crazy Straw are wrong, or the guy's car had simply broken down. Better luck next time, I reckon. I will go ahead and mark that chick's May 21 date in my Outlook, hope it won't interfere with my June trip to Puerto Penasco down Sonora way.

        • Redhead

          You mean Jesus won't take care of changing my oil and putting gas in the car for me?

  • KathrynSane

    "Afghan stoning videos get attention"

    Huh. Good to know the US brought Afghanistan its honored tradition of taping yourself doing dumb shit after smoking pot and uploading it onto YouTube.

    Oh, wait.

    • zhubajie

      Probably stoning will come to the USA some time soon. Maybe in Arizona.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        If the stonings come to Arizona, I guess women won't be allowed to participate, (because it's written, that's why). Time to invest in fake beards.

        • zhubajie

          You don't think that public stonings of Hispanic adulteresses (or someother interesting scapegoat) will be used as a tourist attraction?

      • mereoblivion

        I can't wait for the day we wake up to find ourselves in "The Lottery."

    • PsycWench

      I thought they were stoning their VHS videos because VCRs are such a pain in the ass.

  • Jukesgrrl

    Wow, not quite two years. Thanks for your service, Mr. Ambassador! And I must say resigning WITH an announcement that your next move will be to stab your boss in the back is a creative touch we don't see too often outside the Fortune 100.

  • Negropolis

    I don't know about you, but I'm scared that the National Black Theater is being threatened, and I'd be even more afraid if I even knew what the National Black Theater was.

    BTW, good luck, Hunstman. You know, with that whole pairing yourself up with a then popular Democratic president and then drp him like it was hot after he stumbled, a bit, you traitorous wretch.

    Hunstman is the poor man's Mitt Romney. Someone needs to tell the tanned bastard that a good head of hair an/or a tan doesn't automatically enter you into the presidential sweepstakes.

    • horsedreamer_1

      & yet they hate the Kennedys.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    the NYT is also on the Joseph Smith calendar?

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Hey Huntsman, if your really going back to 2010, do me a favor and punch an unknown " The Situation" in the nutz for me.

  • fuflans

    clearly this anti polio campaign is an unwarranted extension of gov't powers.

    libtards.

  • dogscantlookup

    http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lfv1wtv21p1qcbo
    Where we're going
    we don't need eyes, also
    The repug creed

  • hooray4anything

    I actually think the better headline is about how "critics say" Bill Gates' attempt to stop polio is bad. I guess the Times felt that they wrote too many good things about eradicating polio and had to post an anti-eradicating polio story to appear more balanced.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I thought polio went out with Connie Francis.

      • http://www.wonkette.com manythousands

        Soooo….tell me Connie, is your mother still dead ?

    • JustPixelz

      if he succeeds against polio, perhaps Mr. Gates can then eradicate the "Windows" virus that's tragically infecting computers throughout the world.

    • ttommyunger

      Speaking for all of us Pro-Polio Americans, may I just say, "Fuck you very much, sir!".

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    So the Secretary of Defense, in addition finally getting rid of DADT has also decided to invent the Salk Vaccine. Quite a guy.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Well, 2010 was a good year for Republicans.

    • Negropolis

      Their last hurrah, if you will. It took some of the most virulent hate they've mustered in years by one of the most hateful movements we've seen in years to drag their ass across the victory line. It's like when you strike a fatal blow against something, and it uses its last bit of energy to totally self-destruct which damages you, but ends up totally exhausting the rest of its life.

      If the Tea Party thinks it can play the same trick twice and sustain the level of paranoia and hate they have for another election cycle, they've got another thing coming.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Pyrrhic victory?

        • mereoblivion

          And peerless.

    • Come here a minute

      And it will be again, if Ambassador Huntsman has anything to say about it.

  • Numbat_Dundee

    The Huntsman spider is very common here in Australia. It is enormous, almost Tarantula-like in size, and scares the living bejeezus out of the unwary, but is in fact completely harmless. Some eccentric types have been known to keep them as pets.

    • ttommyunger

      Fuck that!

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    So looking at the screengrab we've got some fat, stoned Afghan huntsman who tossed his rifle to ghey marry some Microsoftie who had polio in Illinois. Is that about right, or do I have a confused once again?

  • Oblios_Cap

    The Wild Huntsman's Present

    As two countrymen were coming late one night through the Sonienbusch, one of them quite drunk, the other being a pious, sober man, they suddenly heard at a distance a cracking of whips, barking of dogs, and tramp of horses.
    "God preserve us, here's the Wild Huntsman!" said the sober countryman; but the drunkard laughed and said, "I would fain know what the foul fiend catches," and then in a loud voice cried, "Holla Sir Hunter, pray give me part of your game."

    At this the other crossed himself, and they pursued their way home.

    On the following morning, when the drunkard's wife would go out to fetch water, she found, on opening the door, the hind quarter of an ox that had died in the village about a month before, and had been thrown on the common laystall, and which stank horribly, and was full of worms and maggots.

    Sounds about right.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Are these Wonkette guys coming to work today? I've been looking at these last-night posts for three hours now…

  • MinAgain

    That's nothing. The Tennessee General Assembly is trying to take my state back to the 1950's.

  • Worthly Wokette Skum

    "Here's the dildo"

  • ttommyunger

    "Vote for Huntsman! Pretty as Pence but not nearly as dumb!"