the gray lady has alzheimer's

Huntsman Using Secret Mormon Time Machine To Run For “2010” Presidency

Also: Give polio a chance, asshole!
How is this not bigger news, New York Times? The ambassador to China has resigned to go back in time and run for a special midterm presidential election nobody knew about? Nice try, Huntsman, but although the unenlightened media couldn’t see it or understand the rules at the time, Alvin Greene already won that election. And he will continue to win it. Because he will not try to win it. [screengrab courtesy Wonkette operative “Ryan T.”]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


  1. Barbara_i

    He has the same confusion that Palin has. She acts as though she is unaware that she lost. She thinks she has the home version of Veep and can just run the country from behind her computer.

        1. Sparky_McGruff

          I think of Sarah Palin as more like Microsoft BOB. Its completely useless, and generally misses the point. And like Bob gave birth to "Clippy", the annoying paperclip that stuck around far longer than it should have, well, Sarah brought us Bristol.

  2. twaingirl

    Government's Dietary Advice: Eat less because it's not like you can afford food for much longer.

    1. JustPixelz

      That's why we should all buy Goldline certificates. They're full of nutritious vitamin BS and American-grown stoopid. Plus fiber.

  3. metamarcisf

    This misstep, along with Palin conflating N. & S. Korea are simple slips of the tongue (or keyboard). Whereas Obama's reference to 57 states or mixing up Afghanistan & Iraq are critical errors, made all the more serious by the fact that he really doesn't know any better. That's why I'm voting for Rep. Michele Porkmann (R) MN in the 2010 presidential erection.

    1. twaingirl

      Obama makes mistakes because he is black and we all know blacks ain't that smart. What is Sarah's excuse?

        1. OC_Surf_Serf

          just plain stupid? please add vindictive, scornful, sleazy, contemptible, scandalous, opprobrious, acrimonious, antagonistic…and a myriad of additional words she wouldn't understand.

      1. JustPixelz

        Google "sarah palin mannequin head" or search wonkette archives. Sometimes the real SP head does the talkin', sometimes it's her mannequin head. That's why sometimes we hear stupid, sometimes not-so-much*.
        * although I can't cite an example of "not-so-much"

  4. el_donaldo

    It's an alternate universe with an alternate timeline. Where the Republicans aren't total psycho fucktards, also.

    1. jim89048

      Have you tried to source a replacement flux capacitor? Jesus, it's easier to find a replacement Prius battery pack!

  5. neiltheblaze

    The last Republican Ambassador to China who became President didn't turn out so great. Though, compared to his son, he deserves – I don't know – a commemorative mug?

    I wouldn't know this particular guy – Huntsman? – if I tripped over him – though I'd probably remember him after.

    1. zhubajie

      So how did he get to be ambassador? Aren't ambassadors required to be donors to whatever president's campaigns, and to be dog-shit ignorant of the country they are representing the US to?

      1. neiltheblaze

        Yes – and the elder Bush fit the bill perfectly. Nobody can do the kow-tow with the same obsequious flair as George Bush Senior. But Obama was probably trying to be all bipartisan choosing Huntsman, a trait that's been working out famously, as we all know.

  6. Texan_Bulldog

    All I know is this fellow is too smart, educated & doesn't bring the crazee to Crazy Town–ergo he doesn't stand a chance. You should have stayed in China, dude: the people aren't fat, stupid and have never heard of Snowbilly.

  7. Pragmatist2

    He is simply trying to get in office before the 2012 end of the world as established by the Mayan calendar. The Mayans, you may recall, are the other lost tribe of Israel.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        I saw a car a couple months ago, abandoned on the side of the road, with the bright orange police "move this car" sticker stuck on the windshield, and the "In Case of Rapture, This Car Will Be Unmanned" bumper sticker. It really got my hopes up that it had finally happened, but either a lot of assholes that think they have their ticket punched to get sucked up in Jesus' Crazy Straw are wrong, or the guy's car had simply broken down. Better luck next time, I reckon. I will go ahead and mark that chick's May 21 date in my Outlook, hope it won't interfere with my June trip to Puerto Penasco down Sonora way.

  8. KathrynSane

    "Afghan stoning videos get attention"

    Huh. Good to know the US brought Afghanistan its honored tradition of taping yourself doing dumb shit after smoking pot and uploading it onto YouTube.

    Oh, wait.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        If the stonings come to Arizona, I guess women won't be allowed to participate, (because it's written, that's why). Time to invest in fake beards.

        1. zhubajie

          You don't think that public stonings of Hispanic adulteresses (or someother interesting scapegoat) will be used as a tourist attraction?

  9. Jukesgrrl

    Wow, not quite two years. Thanks for your service, Mr. Ambassador! And I must say resigning WITH an announcement that your next move will be to stab your boss in the back is a creative touch we don't see too often outside the Fortune 100.

  10. Negropolis

    I don't know about you, but I'm scared that the National Black Theater is being threatened, and I'd be even more afraid if I even knew what the National Black Theater was.

    BTW, good luck, Hunstman. You know, with that whole pairing yourself up with a then popular Democratic president and then drp him like it was hot after he stumbled, a bit, you traitorous wretch.

    Hunstman is the poor man's Mitt Romney. Someone needs to tell the tanned bastard that a good head of hair an/or a tan doesn't automatically enter you into the presidential sweepstakes.

  11. SudsMcKenzie

    Hey Huntsman, if your really going back to 2010, do me a favor and punch an unknown " The Situation" in the nutz for me.

  12. hooray4anything

    I actually think the better headline is about how "critics say" Bill Gates' attempt to stop polio is bad. I guess the Times felt that they wrote too many good things about eradicating polio and had to post an anti-eradicating polio story to appear more balanced.

    1. JustPixelz

      if he succeeds against polio, perhaps Mr. Gates can then eradicate the "Windows" virus that's tragically infecting computers throughout the world.

    1. Negropolis

      Their last hurrah, if you will. It took some of the most virulent hate they've mustered in years by one of the most hateful movements we've seen in years to drag their ass across the victory line. It's like when you strike a fatal blow against something, and it uses its last bit of energy to totally self-destruct which damages you, but ends up totally exhausting the rest of its life.

      If the Tea Party thinks it can play the same trick twice and sustain the level of paranoia and hate they have for another election cycle, they've got another thing coming.

  13. Numbat_Dundee

    The Huntsman spider is very common here in Australia. It is enormous, almost Tarantula-like in size, and scares the living bejeezus out of the unwary, but is in fact completely harmless. Some eccentric types have been known to keep them as pets.

  14. weejee

    So looking at the screengrab we've got some fat, stoned Afghan huntsman who tossed his rifle to ghey marry some Microsoftie who had polio in Illinois. Is that about right, or do I have a confused once again?

  15. Oblios_Cap

    The Wild Huntsman's Present

    As two countrymen were coming late one night through the Sonienbusch, one of them quite drunk, the other being a pious, sober man, they suddenly heard at a distance a cracking of whips, barking of dogs, and tramp of horses.
    "God preserve us, here's the Wild Huntsman!" said the sober countryman; but the drunkard laughed and said, "I would fain know what the foul fiend catches," and then in a loud voice cried, "Holla Sir Hunter, pray give me part of your game."

    At this the other crossed himself, and they pursued their way home.

    On the following morning, when the drunkard's wife would go out to fetch water, she found, on opening the door, the hind quarter of an ox that had died in the village about a month before, and had been thrown on the common laystall, and which stank horribly, and was full of worms and maggots.

    Sounds about right.

  16. BaldarTFlagass

    Are these Wonkette guys coming to work today? I've been looking at these last-night posts for three hours now…

Comments are closed.