Stop making him cry, you guys!Look around. Do you see anyone who should be “proud of their life so far”? Of course not. The few people alive who could be proud of their lives are not proud people, so by definition those who claim to be proud of their lives should actually be deeply embarrassed and constantly ashamed of their shoddy, meaningless shuffle toward the assisted-care facility. What we mean, of course, is that the new dadaist poll of American Attitudes by CBS/Vanity Fair informs us that a whopping 92% of the people who take these polls are super proud of themselves, thus far. And why not?! They’re the dumbest humans in the industrialized world, they’re crippled by both debt and obesity, and they spend an average of 35 hours a week watching broadcast television and basic cable — leaving only 133 hours each week for watching Netflix and HBO and Showtime and Cinemax and updating their status (“eating something”) on Facebook and flipping through catalogs while sitting on the toilet and going through the drive-thru again for “fourthmeal” and opening up collection agency notices and reading about Charlie Sheen pooping on a hooker or whatever. Also: Americans don’t know what this “WikiLeaks” is all about. Did it get on Charlie Sheen’s hooker?

The shocking results that will change your life forever:

Many Americans are not sure what WikiLeaks is; most aren’t interested in Prince William and Kate Middleton’s April wedding; more than half the country knows exactly who New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is, enhancing his presidential potential ….

Other attitudes gleaned from the poll: Sixty-nine percent of Americans feel they are not paid what they’re worth; 92 percent say they are proud of their lives so far ….

Forty-two percent of those polled say they are not sure what WikiLeaks is ….

The wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton will be an inescapable media event this spring. But how much do Americans care? Little. Sixty-five percent say they aren’t interested in any of the details. Twenty-one percent say they are interested in some of it, and a small number (9 percent) say they are only interested in whether the marriage will last. Only 4 percent want to know all of the wedding details, and wish they could go.

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  • CrunchyKnee

    Praise the Lord and pass the Cheetos!!!!!111!

  • SecretMuslin

    American Exceptionalism!!

  • Thanks, Ken, for keeping me cheerful during these cold winter months.

  • MinAgain

    I am obviously paid far more than I'm worth, as evidenced by the fact that I am posting on Wonkette from my office computer.

    • Tommmcatt

      Hehe, right? If you people knew how much I make and how little I actually DO for it you would downfist me into oblivion.

      America! Fuck Yeah!

  • neiltheblaze

    Prince William just doesn't have the suave, lady-killer charm of Prince Charles, so how could they be as intensely interested in this royal wedding than they were with Charles' marriage to what's her face?

    • jim89048

      Until he gets a pipe tobacco named after him, why should I even care?

    • jus_wonderin


      • LesBontemps

        No, love handles!

    • Negropolis

      Prince Charles had the lady-killing charm of a visibly unhinged axe murderer.

      I still shudder when I see the guy crack that creepy, unnatural grin of his.

  • SorosBot

    Hey, look on the bright side; 65% of Americans don't care about what should be a private ceremony between people who don't matter but has been turned into a silly, big media event that no intelligent person should give a shit about.

    • spinozasgod

      and yet there's Jersey Shore and Snookie…..

      • Negropolis

        The improvement, though, is that at least these are our inane bastards. That horse-toothed, balding giant and his party-store heiress fiancee can stick it.

        All hail Princess Consort Snookie of New Jersey (Better than the old Jersey)!

  • AutomaticPilot

    Of course RealAmericans know who Michael Bloomberg is: a filthy Joo!

  • V572625694

    Attention CNN "royal watcher" and meth freak Richard Quest: Vanity Fair is trying to tell you something. No one gives a shit about this tribe of over-entitled (literally!) layabouts.

    Oh, and Ken? Here's another item for your litany of modern depressing things:

    • FNMA

      What do you have against "full nudity & liquor"?

  • freakishlywrong

    When are we going to stop calling Gramma at home and asking her stupid questions and then presenting her answers as a percentage of The American People™.?

  • Bezoar

    I was willing to concede to being overpaid, on the basis of inadequate productivity, until I realized there's lots of people around me where I work who are actively opposing productivity.

    • aguacatero

      I share your stance toward productivity. It is fine with me if it occurs.

  • Dunning Krueger is strong with this one nation under "god"

  • widestanceroman

    Well it's a dirty job and someone [else] has gotta do it. . .

  • Schmannnity

    Benjamin Franklin was right about the turkey as the national symbol. Eagles are weepy.

    • freakishlywrong

      Bohners are weepy too. And creepy.

  • EdFlintstone

    I won't know what to think until John King goes inside the numbers.

    • Negropolis

      I wish John King would go somewhere too; just not inside the numbers.

  • Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

    Knowing who we are also means knowing who we’re not, and we know we’re not royalty. Otherwise, would two-thirds of us claim “no interest” in the upcoming wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton?

    Yeah, just like how the American public has no interest in the celebrity scandal du jour. And we know this because they tell they have no interest. You know, right after they buy five copies of US Weekly or whatever.

  • slithytoves

    The wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton will be an inescapable media event this spring. But how much do Americans care? Little.

    That's not healthy disregard for the Royals, it's American parochialism. They should have asked who wins the bitch fight: Nene or Kim, or whether Camille Grammer is right that Kelsey Grammer is a cross-dresser.

  • 55% think that Fox News reports news.

    55% think that Intelligent Design is intelligent.

    55% have never heard of Charles Darwin.

    55% think that President Obama is a Muslim.

    55% think that Egypt is really Iraq.

    Amazing fact–it is the same 55% every time.

  • Hera Sent Me

    Just wait until Wikileaks leaks documents showing most American employers think they pay their employees too much, and believe the money would be better spent buying William&Kate commemorative plates.

  • __kth__

    Kind of silly way of phrasing the question, which is how they got to 92%. But the 8% are the peeps I want to roll with: hell yes I fucked up my life, why do you ask?

    • FNMA

      We 8 percent are responsible for 92 percent of the liquor sales in this country. We should form our own party, the Bourbon Party.

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        Where do I sign up?

    • baconzgood

      So what time do you wanna meet for some beers.

  • prommie

    Ken, I spend 136 hours a week on Wonkette; is that also horrifying and pathetic, or is that better than watching TV? Wonkette, and FaceBook, I should say.

    • __kth__

      I only spend 84 hours a week here, but that's because I sleep the other 84.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Wow — I don't think I've ever agreed with 65% of my fellow Americans about anything until now. Thanks to the coddled, inbred, anachronistic and tragically homely Windsor-Mountbattens for finally doing something productive!

  • RedneckMuslin

    A respectable poll would total more than 100%.

    • LesBontemps

      Just another indication of a growing lackadaisical attitude.

  • edgydrifter

    I was going to crack wise about how invading a country, burning out the villagers and pillaging the land was not a legitimate basis for establishing a ruling dynastic clan… but then I got confused about whether I was criticizing the British Crown or Amerikkka. Now I am depressed again. At least I still don't give two rusty shits about the royal wedding.

  • OneDollarJuana

    Ken, surely you aren't surprised that a survey in which the vast majority of respondents overvalue themselves comes from a magazine whose first name is "Vanity"?

  • Eve8Apples

    If Wikileaks would publish some photos of Kate Middleton topless, Americans would start paying attention to both of them.

  • SorosBot

    We're idiots, babe; it's a wonder we can even feed ourselves.

    • V572625694

      ♪♬Smoke pourin' out of a boxcar door….♪♫

  • England is getting a new Queen.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      RIP Freddie Mercury

  • freakishlywrong

    Link Kate and Wills up in a hotel room on a bender with Charlie Sheen and all of "Murica would be buying the commemorative wedding plate.

  • genxr

    Meanwhile, in a Fox News poll, 122% of those surveyed responded, "USA! USA! USA!"

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      gotta hand it to ya young feller, yer gettin' better at this Wonky thingy every day, more p-ness for you!

  • hagajim

    They’re the dumbest humans in the industrialized world, they’re crippled by both debt and obesity, and they spend an average of 35 hours a week watching broadcast television and basic cable…

    Best line ever – "yep, I'm proud to be a complete moron who eats shitty food, doesn't read anything more than a few funnies and I do feel that my employer doesn't pay me enough to stuff cow anuses into sheeps guts. Now is Wikileaks some kind of bladder problem thing?"

  • Come here a minute

    You picked up the phone to answer this set of poll questions. Are you really proud of yourself?

  • DonnyKerabotsos

    I'll bet that if Willie was getting gay married, Americans would start to care real quick.

  • GOPCrusher

    Isn't the real question, did Sarah Palin get an invite to the Royal Wedding?

  • taylormattd

    Is it already time for Fourthmeal again? So hungry.

    • Negropolis

      34% of your Fourthmeal will be actual beef.

      See, everybody do the number! **said in thick, faux-Italian accent**

  • OurHoboSenator

    I was about seven when Charles & Di had their wedding, and I was pissed beyond belief that it pre-empted The Price is Right. And now this poll proves that I was just bein' a REAL AMURIKAN all along. Now, where to go for Fourthmeal?

    • Negropolis

      Hey, never seen you around here. The avatar and screenname is just excellent in every way. Sherrod Brown is one of my favorite senators.

  • i_like_tigers

    "Only 4 percent want to know all of the wedding details, and wish they could go."

    That's a small percentage, sure, but we REALLY want to go.

    • deanbooth

      What's that, around 12 million people? That's way above the "make some crap to sell them" threshold.

  • Jukesgrrl

    The depressed people must have all been out committing suicide because clearly their voices were not heard.

    According to the National Institute of Mental Health, an estimated 26.2 percent of Americans ages 18 and older suffer from some form of mental disorder. So we're supposed to believe they all have Delusions of Happiness or Free-floating Euphoria?

    • transfatz

      More than likely, it's that Free-floating Euphoria that got on Charlie Sheen's hooker.

  • proudgrampa

    95% of Americans believe Bat Boy exists.

    "I've seen pictures!"

  • We're just really lucky they didn't include in the poll on the number of people who know what a KFC Double Down or Ken might've killed himself.

  • Redhead

    I'm with you on some of it, Ken, but the part about the royal wedding – really? I'm not sure that wanting to know all the details about the ceremony and wanting to go is really a sign of intelligence or worth. I'm sure lots of people know the details of the lives of people on reality TV – I wouldn't call that worthwhile.

  • smellyal8tr

    And we wonder why we get the Congress we have, why George W won election (twice) and why Two and Half Men "is the most watched comedy on television" if CBS is to be believed. Why oh why didn't Y2K make our toasters kill us all?

  • smellyal8tr

    Thanks Moe.

  • transfatz

    This is proof that Americans will never be defeated by hubris! I, for one, am deeply pleased and constantly orgulous of my elegant, purposeful stride toward the assisted-care facility.

    • LakeAfflicted

      That one sentence has convinced me to embark on an orgy of high-risk activities upon attaining age 70. I just need to consult an actuary and an endocrinologist to determine which ones will deliver the most enjoyable adrenaline-based sensations over the longest period while tilting the odds as far as possible against my ever making it to the assisted care facility.

  • Negropolis

    most aren’t interested in Prince William and Kate Middleton’s April wedding; more than half the country knows exactly who New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is

    That's heartening, and better than I expected.

  • benjo765

    "fourthmeal" sounds like a perfect way to celebrate the royal wedding.
    Or, failing that, the prolonged toilet respite afterwards.

  • Is it wrong that I attend the Prince William wedding with a hanging effigy of King George III while eating a chalupa? I'm kidding…about the chalupa!

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