NEW STUDY PROVES IT  2:16 pm January 31, 2011

Americans Have No Idea What ‘WikiLeaks’ Is, But Still Love Selves

by Ken Layne

Stop making him cry, you guys!Look around. Do you see anyone who should be “proud of their life so far”? Of course not. The few people alive who could be proud of their lives are not proud people, so by definition those who claim to be proud of their lives should actually be deeply embarrassed and constantly ashamed of their shoddy, meaningless shuffle toward the assisted-care facility. What we mean, of course, is that the new dadaist poll of American Attitudes by CBS/Vanity Fair informs us that a whopping 92% of the people who take these polls are super proud of themselves, thus far. And why not?! They’re the dumbest humans in the industrialized world, they’re crippled by both debt and obesity, and they spend an average of 35 hours a week watching broadcast television and basic cable — leaving only 133 hours each week for watching Netflix and HBO and Showtime and Cinemax and updating their status (“eating something”) on Facebook and flipping through catalogs while sitting on the toilet and going through the drive-thru again for “fourthmeal” and opening up collection agency notices and reading about Charlie Sheen pooping on a hooker or whatever. Also: Americans don’t know what this “WikiLeaks” is all about. Did it get on Charlie Sheen’s hooker?

The shocking results that will change your life forever:

Many Americans are not sure what WikiLeaks is; most aren’t interested in Prince William and Kate Middleton’s April wedding; more than half the country knows exactly who New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is, enhancing his presidential potential ….

Other attitudes gleaned from the poll: Sixty-nine percent of Americans feel they are not paid what they’re worth; 92 percent say they are proud of their lives so far ….

Forty-two percent of those polled say they are not sure what WikiLeaks is ….

The wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton will be an inescapable media event this spring. But how much do Americans care? Little. Sixty-five percent say they aren’t interested in any of the details. Twenty-one percent say they are interested in some of it, and a small number (9 percent) say they are only interested in whether the marriage will last. Only 4 percent want to know all of the wedding details, and wish they could go.

 
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Hola wonkerados.

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{ 70 comments }

CrunchyKnee January 31, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Praise the Lord and pass the Cheetos!!!!!111!

SecretMuslin January 31, 2011 at 2:21 pm

American Exceptionalism!!

ifthethunderdontgetya January 31, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Thanks, Ken, for keeping me cheerful during these cold winter months.
~

MinAgain January 31, 2011 at 2:23 pm

I am obviously paid far more than I'm worth, as evidenced by the fact that I am posting on Wonkette from my office computer.

Tommmcatt January 31, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Hehe, right? If you people knew how much I make and how little I actually DO for it you would downfist me into oblivion.

America! Fuck Yeah!

neiltheblaze January 31, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Prince William just doesn't have the suave, lady-killer charm of Prince Charles, so how could they be as intensely interested in this royal wedding than they were with Charles' marriage to what's her face?

jim89048 January 31, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Until he gets a pipe tobacco named after him, why should I even care?

jus_wonderin January 31, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Ears!!!!

LesBontemps January 31, 2011 at 3:02 pm

No, love handles!

Negropolis February 1, 2011 at 2:31 am

Prince Charles had the lady-killing charm of a visibly unhinged axe murderer.

I still shudder when I see the guy crack that creepy, unnatural grin of his.

SorosBot January 31, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Hey, look on the bright side; 65% of Americans don't care about what should be a private ceremony between people who don't matter but has been turned into a silly, big media event that no intelligent person should give a shit about.

spinozasgod January 31, 2011 at 4:03 pm

and yet there's Jersey Shore and Snookie…..

Negropolis February 1, 2011 at 2:34 am

The improvement, though, is that at least these are our inane bastards. That horse-toothed, balding giant and his party-store heiress fiancee can stick it.

All hail Princess Consort Snookie of New Jersey (Better than the old Jersey)!

AutomaticPilot January 31, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Of course RealAmericans know who Michael Bloomberg is: a filthy Joo!

V572625694 January 31, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Attention CNN "royal watcher" and meth freak Richard Quest: Vanity Fair is trying to tell you something. No one gives a shit about this tribe of over-entitled (literally!) layabouts.

Oh, and Ken? Here's another item for your litany of modern depressing things:
http://www.mobilemike.com/imagesnew/billboard2.jp

FNMA January 31, 2011 at 2:38 pm

What do you have against "full nudity & liquor"?

freakishlywrong January 31, 2011 at 2:26 pm

When are we going to stop calling Gramma at home and asking her stupid questions and then presenting her answers as a percentage of The American People™.?

Bezoar January 31, 2011 at 2:27 pm

I was willing to concede to being overpaid, on the basis of inadequate productivity, until I realized there's lots of people around me where I work who are actively opposing productivity.

aguacatero January 31, 2011 at 2:36 pm

I share your stance toward productivity. It is fine with me if it occurs.

ManchuCandidate January 31, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Dunning Krueger is strong with this one nation under "god"

widestanceroman January 31, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Well it's a dirty job and someone [else] has gotta do it. . .

Schmannnity January 31, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Benjamin Franklin was right about the turkey as the national symbol. Eagles are weepy.

freakishlywrong January 31, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Bohners are weepy too. And creepy.

EdFlintstone January 31, 2011 at 2:31 pm

I won't know what to think until John King goes inside the numbers.

Negropolis February 1, 2011 at 2:35 am

I wish John King would go somewhere too; just not inside the numbers.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] January 31, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Knowing who we are also means knowing who we’re not, and we know we’re not royalty. Otherwise, would two-thirds of us claim “no interest” in the upcoming wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton?

Yeah, just like how the American public has no interest in the celebrity scandal du jour. And we know this because they tell they have no interest. You know, right after they buy five copies of US Weekly or whatever.

slithytoves January 31, 2011 at 2:33 pm

The wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton will be an inescapable media event this spring. But how much do Americans care? Little.

That's not healthy disregard for the Royals, it's American parochialism. They should have asked who wins the bitch fight: Nene or Kim, or whether Camille Grammer is right that Kelsey Grammer is a cross-dresser.

donner_froh January 31, 2011 at 2:33 pm

55% think that Fox News reports news.

55% think that Intelligent Design is intelligent.

55% have never heard of Charles Darwin.

55% think that President Obama is a Muslim.

55% think that Egypt is really Iraq.

Amazing fact–it is the same 55% every time.

Hera Sent Me January 31, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Just wait until Wikileaks leaks documents showing most American employers think they pay their employees too much, and believe the money would be better spent buying William&Kate commemorative plates.

__kth__ January 31, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Kind of silly way of phrasing the question, which is how they got to 92%. But the 8% are the peeps I want to roll with: hell yes I fucked up my life, why do you ask?

FNMA January 31, 2011 at 3:32 pm

We 8 percent are responsible for 92 percent of the liquor sales in this country. We should form our own party, the Bourbon Party.

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 31, 2011 at 4:05 pm

Where do I sign up?

baconzgood January 31, 2011 at 4:06 pm

So what time do you wanna meet for some beers.

prommie January 31, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Ken, I spend 136 hours a week on Wonkette; is that also horrifying and pathetic, or is that better than watching TV? Wonkette, and FaceBook, I should say.

__kth__ January 31, 2011 at 4:27 pm

I only spend 84 hours a week here, but that's because I sleep the other 84.

SayItWithWookies January 31, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Wow — I don't think I've ever agreed with 65% of my fellow Americans about anything until now. Thanks to the coddled, inbred, anachronistic and tragically homely Windsor-Mountbattens for finally doing something productive!

RedneckMuslin January 31, 2011 at 2:39 pm

A respectable poll would total more than 100%.

LesBontemps January 31, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Just another indication of a growing lackadaisical attitude.

edgydrifter January 31, 2011 at 2:39 pm

I was going to crack wise about how invading a country, burning out the villagers and pillaging the land was not a legitimate basis for establishing a ruling dynastic clan… but then I got confused about whether I was criticizing the British Crown or Amerikkka. Now I am depressed again. At least I still don't give two rusty shits about the royal wedding.

OneDollarJuana January 31, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Ken, surely you aren't surprised that a survey in which the vast majority of respondents overvalue themselves comes from a magazine whose first name is "Vanity"?

Eve8Apples January 31, 2011 at 2:43 pm

If Wikileaks would publish some photos of Kate Middleton topless, Americans would start paying attention to both of them.

SorosBot January 31, 2011 at 2:47 pm

We're idiots, babe; it's a wonder we can even feed ourselves.

V572625694 January 31, 2011 at 3:06 pm

♪♬Smoke pourin' out of a boxcar door….♪♫

DerrickWildcat January 31, 2011 at 2:49 pm

England is getting a new Queen.

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 31, 2011 at 4:09 pm

RIP Freddie Mercury

freakishlywrong January 31, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Link Kate and Wills up in a hotel room on a bender with Charlie Sheen and all of "Murica would be buying the commemorative wedding plate.

genxr January 31, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Meanwhile, in a Fox News poll, 122% of those surveyed responded, "USA! USA! USA!"

Dashboard_Jesus January 31, 2011 at 11:00 pm

gotta hand it to ya young feller, yer gettin' better at this Wonky thingy every day, more p-ness for you!

hagajim January 31, 2011 at 3:06 pm

They’re the dumbest humans in the industrialized world, they’re crippled by both debt and obesity, and they spend an average of 35 hours a week watching broadcast television and basic cable…

Best line ever – "yep, I'm proud to be a complete moron who eats shitty food, doesn't read anything more than a few funnies and I do feel that my employer doesn't pay me enough to stuff cow anuses into sheeps guts. Now is Wikileaks some kind of bladder problem thing?"

Come here a minute January 31, 2011 at 3:14 pm

You picked up the phone to answer this set of poll questions. Are you really proud of yourself?

DonnyKerabotsos January 31, 2011 at 3:17 pm

I'll bet that if Willie was getting gay married, Americans would start to care real quick.

GOPCrusher January 31, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Isn't the real question, did Sarah Palin get an invite to the Royal Wedding?

taylormattd January 31, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Is it already time for Fourthmeal again? So hungry.

Negropolis February 1, 2011 at 2:37 am

34% of your Fourthmeal will be actual beef.

See, everybody do the number! **said in thick, faux-Italian accent**

OurHoboSenator January 31, 2011 at 4:04 pm

I was about seven when Charles & Di had their wedding, and I was pissed beyond belief that it pre-empted The Price is Right. And now this poll proves that I was just bein' a REAL AMURIKAN all along. Now, where to go for Fourthmeal?

Negropolis February 1, 2011 at 2:38 am

Hey, never seen you around here. The avatar and screenname is just excellent in every way. Sherrod Brown is one of my favorite senators.

i_like_tigers January 31, 2011 at 4:05 pm

"Only 4 percent want to know all of the wedding details, and wish they could go."

That's a small percentage, sure, but we REALLY want to go.

deanbooth January 31, 2011 at 8:00 pm

What's that, around 12 million people? That's way above the "make some crap to sell them" threshold.

Jukesgrrl January 31, 2011 at 5:04 pm

The depressed people must have all been out committing suicide because clearly their voices were not heard.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, an estimated 26.2 percent of Americans ages 18 and older suffer from some form of mental disorder. So we're supposed to believe they all have Delusions of Happiness or Free-floating Euphoria?

transfatz February 1, 2011 at 12:21 am

More than likely, it's that Free-floating Euphoria that got on Charlie Sheen's hooker.

proudgrampa January 31, 2011 at 6:06 pm

95% of Americans believe Bat Boy exists.

"I've seen pictures!"

assistantatlas January 31, 2011 at 8:50 pm

We're just really lucky they didn't include in the poll on the number of people who know what a KFC Double Down or Ken might've killed himself.

Redhead January 31, 2011 at 9:16 pm

I'm with you on some of it, Ken, but the part about the royal wedding – really? I'm not sure that wanting to know all the details about the ceremony and wanting to go is really a sign of intelligence or worth. I'm sure lots of people know the details of the lives of people on reality TV – I wouldn't call that worthwhile.

smellyal8tr January 31, 2011 at 9:21 pm

And we wonder why we get the Congress we have, why George W won election (twice) and why Two and Half Men "is the most watched comedy on television" if CBS is to be believed. Why oh why didn't Y2K make our toasters kill us all?

smellyal8tr January 31, 2011 at 9:21 pm

Thanks Moe.

transfatz February 1, 2011 at 12:07 am

This is proof that Americans will never be defeated by hubris! I, for one, am deeply pleased and constantly orgulous of my elegant, purposeful stride toward the assisted-care facility.

LakeAfflicted February 1, 2011 at 10:37 am

That one sentence has convinced me to embark on an orgy of high-risk activities upon attaining age 70. I just need to consult an actuary and an endocrinologist to determine which ones will deliver the most enjoyable adrenaline-based sensations over the longest period while tilting the odds as far as possible against my ever making it to the assisted care facility.

Negropolis February 1, 2011 at 2:28 am

most aren’t interested in Prince William and Kate Middleton’s April wedding; more than half the country knows exactly who New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is

That's heartening, and better than I expected.

benjo765 February 1, 2011 at 4:41 am

"fourthmeal" sounds like a perfect way to celebrate the royal wedding.
Or, failing that, the prolonged toilet respite afterwards.

simplyblue7 February 1, 2011 at 8:19 am

Is it wrong that I attend the Prince William wedding with a hanging effigy of King George III while eating a chalupa? I'm kidding…about the chalupa!

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