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Stop making him cry, you guys!Look around. Do you see anyone who should be “proud of their life so far”? Of course not. The few people alive who could be proud of their lives are not proud people, so by definition those who claim to be proud of their lives should actually be deeply embarrassed and constantly ashamed of their shoddy, meaningless shuffle toward the assisted-care facility. What we mean, of course, is that the new dadaist poll of American Attitudes by CBS/Vanity Fair informs us that a whopping 92% of the people who take these polls are super proud of themselves, thus far. And why not?! They’re the dumbest humans in the industrialized world, they’re crippled by both debt and obesity, and they spend an average of 35 hours a week watching broadcast television and basic cable — leaving only 133 hours each week for watching Netflix and HBO and Showtime and Cinemax and updating their status (“eating something”) on Facebook and flipping through catalogs while sitting on the toilet and going through the drive-thru again for “fourthmeal” and opening up collection agency notices and reading about Charlie Sheen pooping on a hooker or whatever. Also: Americans don’t know what this “WikiLeaks” is all about. Did it get on Charlie Sheen’s hooker?

The shocking results that will change your life forever:

Many Americans are not sure what WikiLeaks is; most aren’t interested in Prince William and Kate Middleton’s April wedding; more than half the country knows exactly who New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is, enhancing his presidential potential ….

Other attitudes gleaned from the poll: Sixty-nine percent of Americans feel they are not paid what they’re worth; 92 percent say they are proud of their lives so far ….

Forty-two percent of those polled say they are not sure what WikiLeaks is ….

The wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton will be an inescapable media event this spring. But how much do Americans care? Little. Sixty-five percent say they aren’t interested in any of the details. Twenty-one percent say they are interested in some of it, and a small number (9 percent) say they are only interested in whether the marriage will last. Only 4 percent want to know all of the wedding details, and wish they could go.

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