Look around. Do you see anyone who should be “proud of their life so far”? Of course not. The few people alive who could be proud of their lives are not proud people, so by definition those who claim to be proud of their lives should actually be deeply embarrassed and constantly ashamed of their shoddy, meaningless shuffle toward the assisted-care facility. What we mean, of course, is that the new dadaist poll of American Attitudes by CBS/Vanity Fair informs us that a whopping 92% of the people who take these polls are super proud of themselves, thus far. And why not?! They’re the dumbest humans in the industrialized world, they’re crippled by both debt and obesity, and they spend an average of 35 hours a week watching broadcast television and basic cable — leaving only 133 hours each week for watching Netflix and HBO and Showtime and Cinemax and updating their status (“eating something”) on Facebook and flipping through catalogs while sitting on the toilet and going through the drive-thru again for “fourthmeal” and opening up collection agency notices and reading about Charlie Sheen pooping on a hooker or whatever. Also: Americans don’t know what this “WikiLeaks” is all about. Did it get on Charlie Sheen’s hooker?
The shocking results that will change your life forever:
Many Americans are not sure what WikiLeaks is; most aren’t interested in Prince William and Kate Middleton’s April wedding; more than half the country knows exactly who New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is, enhancing his presidential potential ….
Other attitudes gleaned from the poll: Sixty-nine percent of Americans feel they are not paid what they’re worth; 92 percent say they are proud of their lives so far ….
Forty-two percent of those polled say they are not sure what WikiLeaks is ….
The wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton will be an inescapable media event this spring. But how much do Americans care? Little. Sixty-five percent say they aren’t interested in any of the details. Twenty-one percent say they are interested in some of it, and a small number (9 percent) say they are only interested in whether the marriage will last. Only 4 percent want to know all of the wedding details, and wish they could go.
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Praise the Lord and pass the Cheetos!!!!!111!
American Exceptionalism!!
Thanks, Ken, for keeping me cheerful during these cold winter months.
~
I am obviously paid far more than I'm worth, as evidenced by the fact that I am posting on Wonkette from my office computer.
Hehe, right? If you people knew how much I make and how little I actually DO for it you would downfist me into oblivion.
America! Fuck Yeah!
Prince William just doesn't have the suave, lady-killer charm of Prince Charles, so how could they be as intensely interested in this royal wedding than they were with Charles' marriage to what's her face?
Until he gets a pipe tobacco named after him, why should I even care?
Ears!!!!
No, love handles!
Prince Charles had the lady-killing charm of a visibly unhinged axe murderer.
I still shudder when I see the guy crack that creepy, unnatural grin of his.
Hey, look on the bright side; 65% of Americans don't care about what should be a private ceremony between people who don't matter but has been turned into a silly, big media event that no intelligent person should give a shit about.
and yet there's Jersey Shore and Snookie…..
The improvement, though, is that at least these are our inane bastards. That horse-toothed, balding giant and his party-store heiress fiancee can stick it.
All hail Princess Consort Snookie of New Jersey (Better than the old Jersey)!
Of course RealAmericans know who Michael Bloomberg is: a filthy Joo!
Attention CNN "royal watcher" and meth freak Richard Quest: Vanity Fair is trying to tell you something. No one gives a shit about this tribe of over-entitled (literally!) layabouts.
Oh, and Ken? Here's another item for your litany of modern depressing things:
http://www.mobilemike.com/imagesnew/billboard2.jp...
What do you have against "full nudity & liquor"?
When are we going to stop calling Gramma at home and asking her stupid questions and then presenting her answers as a percentage of The American People™.?
I was willing to concede to being overpaid, on the basis of inadequate productivity, until I realized there's lots of people around me where I work who are actively opposing productivity.
I share your stance toward productivity. It is fine with me if it occurs.
Dunning Krueger is strong with this one nation under "god"
Well it's a dirty job and someone [else] has gotta do it. . .
Benjamin Franklin was right about the turkey as the national symbol. Eagles are weepy.
Bohners are weepy too. And creepy.
I won't know what to think until John King goes inside the numbers.
I wish John King would go somewhere too; just not inside the numbers.
Knowing who we are also means knowing who we’re not, and we know we’re not royalty. Otherwise, would two-thirds of us claim “no interest” in the upcoming wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton?
Yeah, just like how the American public has no interest in the celebrity scandal du jour. And we know this because they tell they have no interest. You know, right after they buy five copies of US Weekly or whatever.
The wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton will be an inescapable media event this spring. But how much do Americans care? Little.
That's not healthy disregard for the Royals, it's American parochialism. They should have asked who wins the bitch fight: Nene or Kim, or whether Camille Grammer is right that Kelsey Grammer is a cross-dresser.
55% think that Fox News reports news.
55% think that Intelligent Design is intelligent.
55% have never heard of Charles Darwin.
55% think that President Obama is a Muslim.
55% think that Egypt is really Iraq.
Amazing fact–it is the same 55% every time.
Just wait until Wikileaks leaks documents showing most American employers think they pay their employees too much, and believe the money would be better spent buying William&Kate commemorative plates.
Kind of silly way of phrasing the question, which is how they got to 92%. But the 8% are the peeps I want to roll with: hell yes I fucked up my life, why do you ask?
We 8 percent are responsible for 92 percent of the liquor sales in this country. We should form our own party, the Bourbon Party.
Where do I sign up?
So what time do you wanna meet for some beers.
Ken, I spend 136 hours a week on Wonkette; is that also horrifying and pathetic, or is that better than watching TV? Wonkette, and FaceBook, I should say.
I only spend 84 hours a week here, but that's because I sleep the other 84.
Wow — I don't think I've ever agreed with 65% of my fellow Americans about anything until now. Thanks to the coddled, inbred, anachronistic and tragically homely Windsor-Mountbattens for finally doing something productive!
A respectable poll would total more than 100%.
Just another indication of a growing lackadaisical attitude.
I was going to crack wise about how invading a country, burning out the villagers and pillaging the land was not a legitimate basis for establishing a ruling dynastic clan… but then I got confused about whether I was criticizing the British Crown or Amerikkka. Now I am depressed again. At least I still don't give two rusty shits about the royal wedding.
Ken, surely you aren't surprised that a survey in which the vast majority of respondents overvalue themselves comes from a magazine whose first name is "Vanity"?
If Wikileaks would publish some photos of Kate Middleton topless, Americans would start paying attention to both of them.
We're idiots, babe; it's a wonder we can even feed ourselves.
♪♬Smoke pourin' out of a boxcar door….♪♫
England is getting a new Queen.
RIP Freddie Mercury
Link Kate and Wills up in a hotel room on a bender with Charlie Sheen and all of "Murica would be buying the commemorative wedding plate.
Meanwhile, in a Fox News poll, 122% of those surveyed responded, "USA! USA! USA!"
gotta hand it to ya young feller, yer gettin' better at this Wonky thingy every day, more p-ness for you!
They’re the dumbest humans in the industrialized world, they’re crippled by both debt and obesity, and they spend an average of 35 hours a week watching broadcast television and basic cable…
Best line ever – "yep, I'm proud to be a complete moron who eats shitty food, doesn't read anything more than a few funnies and I do feel that my employer doesn't pay me enough to stuff cow anuses into sheeps guts. Now is Wikileaks some kind of bladder problem thing?"
You picked up the phone to answer this set of poll questions. Are you really proud of yourself?
I'll bet that if Willie was getting gay married, Americans would start to care real quick.
Isn't the real question, did Sarah Palin get an invite to the Royal Wedding?
Is it already time for Fourthmeal again? So hungry.
34% of your Fourthmeal will be actual beef.
See, everybody do the number! **said in thick, faux-Italian accent**
I was about seven when Charles & Di had their wedding, and I was pissed beyond belief that it pre-empted The Price is Right. And now this poll proves that I was just bein' a REAL AMURIKAN all along. Now, where to go for Fourthmeal?
Hey, never seen you around here. The avatar and screenname is just excellent in every way. Sherrod Brown is one of my favorite senators.
"Only 4 percent want to know all of the wedding details, and wish they could go."
That's a small percentage, sure, but we REALLY want to go.
What's that, around 12 million people? That's way above the "make some crap to sell them" threshold.
The depressed people must have all been out committing suicide because clearly their voices were not heard.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, an estimated 26.2 percent of Americans ages 18 and older suffer from some form of mental disorder. So we're supposed to believe they all have Delusions of Happiness or Free-floating Euphoria?
More than likely, it's that Free-floating Euphoria that got on Charlie Sheen's hooker.
95% of Americans believe Bat Boy exists.
"I've seen pictures!"
We're just really lucky they didn't include in the poll on the number of people who know what a KFC Double Down or Ken might've killed himself.
I'm with you on some of it, Ken, but the part about the royal wedding – really? I'm not sure that wanting to know all the details about the ceremony and wanting to go is really a sign of intelligence or worth. I'm sure lots of people know the details of the lives of people on reality TV – I wouldn't call that worthwhile.
And we wonder why we get the Congress we have, why George W won election (twice) and why Two and Half Men "is the most watched comedy on television" if CBS is to be believed. Why oh why didn't Y2K make our toasters kill us all?
Thanks Moe.
This is proof that Americans will never be defeated by hubris! I, for one, am deeply pleased and constantly orgulous of my elegant, purposeful stride toward the assisted-care facility.
That one sentence has convinced me to embark on an orgy of high-risk activities upon attaining age 70. I just need to consult an actuary and an endocrinologist to determine which ones will deliver the most enjoyable adrenaline-based sensations over the longest period while tilting the odds as far as possible against my ever making it to the assisted care facility.
That's heartening, and better than I expected.
"fourthmeal" sounds like a perfect way to celebrate the royal wedding.
Or, failing that, the prolonged toilet respite afterwards.
Is it wrong that I attend the Prince William wedding with a hanging effigy of King George III while eating a chalupa? I'm kidding…about the chalupa!
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