looking in the magic top hat

Huntsman Still Running For President, Making Romney Look Like Teabagger

So very Mormon.Former Utah governor and current Ambassador to China Jon Huntsman is going to run for the Republican nomination for president, just as he always has been, basically. He will wait until this spring, because like every potential GOP presidential candidate, he hates giving the political Internet pageviewz. Huntsman’s campaign staff will basically be John McCain people from 2008, and Huntsman will be a similarly moderate alternative to the candidates who eat fried squirrel. How moderate? He currently works for Barack Obama. So it is likely Teabaggers will assassinate him before he can even get to the Iowa caucuses for helping prop up an illegal Kenyan president. Oh, and he’s Mormon. So he’s just around to make Mitt Romney look good in comparison, we guess?

Let’s go to Politico for analysis—

He’ll also have to hope that the current civility craze extends to a significant slice

—and then let’s stop, because, Jesus Christ, “civility craze”? Is that really how their brains work? Yeah, we guess it is.

At first glance, Romney would appear to be the contender with the most to lose from having another clean-cut, business-friendly former governor with a family fortune, an Ivy League degree and a close connection to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in the race.

Yes, OR Romney can tell conservatives he is the good kind of Mormon, the kind who will not betray the party for the black man/eat their children. “But, folks, I may just eat your children you don’t nominate me this time,” he will say, and he will win because of fear. [Civility Craze Digest]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • nounverb911

    Where is your magic underwear's birth certificate?

  • CrunchyKnee

    God damned kids with their civility crazes…sheesh.

    • Negropolis

      Yeah, with their hippity-hoppity, and FaceTube, and MyPlace, and SpaceBook. Damn them all to hell (i.e. Peoria).

  • Serolf_Divad

    But will Huntsman take Sarah Palin as his second (third? fourth? Do we really know how many) wife?

    Because that would probably help swing the balance in his favor.

    • WhatTheHeck

      I guess that's why they are called running mates.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    He'll last until the first crazed teabag person points out that his time as Ambassador to China makes him a perfect Manchurian presidential Candidate.

    • Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

      The hell you say! Jon Huntsman is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life.

  • i_AM_ready

    A former governor from a state that has almost no people.

    Let's cut to the chase and elect Barry Goldwater President. Sure he's dead and nobody under age 50 knows who he is, I mean was, but whatever.

    • charlesdegoal

      In my heart I know you're right (up there with us old folks)

      • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

        Where are our jello cups???
        ~

    • prommie

      Didn't Kinky Friedman make a song about him? "They Ain't Makin' Jews Like Barry Goldwater Any More?"

  • CapnFatback

    "Now, this'll be a straight Mormon-off, old school rules. First Mormon proselytizes; second Mormon duplicates, then polygamizes. Okay, boys–let's go to work!"

  • Crank_Tango

    if there is a current civility craze, does that mean bellbottoms will be back again soon?

    • nounverb911

      And Nehru jackets.

    • mereoblivion

      Over my dead . . . mannequin.

  • http://www.fifthinternational.org/content/education-programme 4TheTurnstiles

    this dude sucked on dancing with the stars, even harder than his airhead sister… and he won anyway. LDS means 'get out the vote' in the Mormon alphabet

  • Callyson

    "Former Utah governor and current Ambassador to China Jon Huntsman"
    Oh, that's who the guy in the photo is? I could have sworn he was my insurance agent…

    • charlesdegoal

      A one-of-a-kind garden variety plain vanilla regular white man.

    • Negropolis

      I bet you he plays a mean game of golf.

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    Ah come on guys, Huntsman is a good egg. I liked him when he was Gov here because he is actually a pretty reasonable and intelligent man. Which means there is no way in hell he will ever make it through the Republican primaries.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

      Moderate is the new commie pinko fag hippy brown or black socialist.

      • mumbly_joe

        Come now, you're being completely unfair. He's a commie pinko socialist because of the intelligent bits, and only a homo because of the "reasonable" and "moderate" bits. It's important to recognize the nuance* and subtlety* of teabag-ese.

        *(The teabag-ese word for "nuanced" and "subtle" is also "a homo", incidentally, in case you were wondering.)

  • freakishlywrong

    I really, really, really wish this Huntsman guy's first name was Mike or Jack even. It would be funner for us juvies at the Wonkett.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Have you seen Mike Hunt's Man?

    • http://www.twoeightnine.com twoeightnine

      He's got like 27 brothers, I'm sure there's a Mike or Jack or Dildo.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Being the ruler of your own planet would seem to be cooler than just being the President of the United States.

  • Oblios_Cap

    The PAC will be run by Susie Wiles, a Florida-based Republican strategist who recently managed the campaign of newly-inaugurated Gov. Rick Scott.

    if this broad's involved, then Mr. Huntman is also a member of the same tribe of of Lizard People that Rick Scott belongs to. This guy is hardly the voice of moderation.

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      Susie Wilies?

      Was she named by Warner Brothers?
      ~

    • horsedreamer_1

      & I thought Rick Scott himself was going to run for President.

      Then again, it would be hard to be a(n all-but-)convicted felon & have your henchmen strike from the voter rolls people you're pretty sure are black felons.

  • SmutBoffin

    More Mormon candidates means more Newsweek covers proclaiming the same.

    Won't win, though.

  • Not_So_Much

    Sure, Utah is a gun and mormon-infested frozen hellscape of not just republicans, but Real Republicans that offers nothing to society in general except 3 months of skiing and all the guns you can eat. That said, I've heard this guy is actually sane, in spite of his geographic and religious encumbrances. Shit, he's gotta be better than Mittens the Dog whisperer torturer.

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      Had he not been appointed ambassador to China, I would be willing to bet that the our right wing crazies would have dealt him the same hand they dealt Bob Bennett.

  • DashboardBuddha

    "good kind of Mormon"

    Like the Force? I see Mitt just holding on in the polls when Huntsman says, "Mitt…I'm your father"

    "Noooo…oh wait. You might be at that.

    PS – the good side of Morman is Mammon.

  • chickensmack

    I don't fear Romney eating my children. I fear Romney making more children.

  • Beetagger

    Moroni for President! Why accept an Earthly substitute?

  • horsedreamer_1

    Clearly, this opposition from within his own administration is proof of Obama's moral weakness & the national electorate's will to look elsewhere for solutions.

    • SmutBoffin

      It is also indicative of a White House in turmoil.

      Did that sound OK? I'm really looking to try to score a pundit job in the near future.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Is anyone else getting inundated with TV and or radio commercials about people who were dregs of society and then became Mormons and now they’re really happy and nice? They kind of make me hate the Mormon Church a little bit more.

    • baconzgood

      They control the Boy Scouts and Flag Foundation too.

      • Oblios_Cap

        The Brown Shirts here in the capitol of America's Dingus™ are bringing in Karl Rove to speak to the junior hitler youth. Last year it was Mike Fuck-a-bee, and a couple of years before that it was Ollie North.

      • prommie

        Once they infect any organization, the Mormon Nepotism begins, and it never stops.

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      I was raised in the "Church", but now that I have rejected them and become a dreg of society, I am now truly happy.
      And nice. Now fuck off.

    • snoopyfan2010

      How else do you expect them to sell a new religion????

  • aguacatero

    I'm still voting for Obama, but I've got Big Love for this guy and his progressive stance on greenhouse gas regulation.

    (No Republican primary voters are reading this, right?).

  • Buzz Feedback

    Dale Murphy and a gallon of whole milk will replace Huntsman as ambassador.

  • edgydrifter

    Let's examine the Republican nomination variables:

    Religious: +2
    Mormon: -2
    Governor: +10
    Governor of Utah: -5
    Republican: +3
    Works for Obama: -5
    Works for Obama in China: -10
    High school dropout: -3
    College graduate: +3
    Elitist college: -2
    No military record: -4
    No name recognition: -3
    White: +15

    Skin tone almost drags him back into positive territory, but the ambassador should probably think twice before quitting his day job.

    • aguacatero

      You forgot "has 'hunts' and 'man' in name: +2"

    • SmutBoffin

      Don't forget the bonus round, where a willingness to bomb other countries can bring you big, BIG points…

  • YasserArraFeck

    And, flinging myself head first into the current "civility craze", I said "Good Morning" to my wife today. This fucking MADNESS is gonna have to stop!!

    • horsedreamer_1

      Don't worry. You'll just get back to beating her on Super Bowl Sunday.

      • YasserArraFeck

        Thank God! Balance will be restored…….."GET ME ANOTHER GODDAM BEER, BITCH!!
        Good times…..

  • Sophist [APPLESAUCE]

    …Jon Huntsman is going to run for the Republican nomination for president, just as he always has been, basically.

    I'm pretty sure Jon Huntsman came out of the womb with graying hair and a Presidential Exploratory Committee.

    • horsedreamer_1

      The man was born — in this country — to be President.

  • chascates

    Anyone keeping a count of the GOP possibles? About 15 now by my reckoning.

  • SmutBoffin

    How about the phrase "rent by internal divisions"?

    That could come in handy.

    • jim89048

      I think Utah was created to serve as the Gitmo for the war in heaven they go on about.

    • WriteyWriterton

      How about "rent boy internal divisions"? Too late?

  • Tommmcatt

    It would be a bit like running a bowl of tepid Cream-Of-Wheat, wouldn't it?

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    A Proper Christian's guide to fucking with Mormons. http://newsletters.cephasministry.com/lds2.99.htm

    • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

      That's great. I still prefer to yell at them about magic underwear, Marie Osmond, golden plates and con men all while shaking up a beer to spray on them.

    • GOPCrusher

      I think you can apply this to any Xtian Cult or Sect.
      None of them think another Cult are real Xtians. Hell, I've seen Quakers wish hateful shit on other Quakers because they don't belong to the version of the Quaker church as them.

      • Negropolis

        This must be somewhere up in OG Pennsylvania, because the Quaker congregation near me is basically not even Christian.

    • Gunner Asch

      Is there a Flying Spaghetti Monster's guide to fucking with all the invisible sky fairy minions?

  • Gopherit

    I can't take any of these milquetoast republican candidates seriously. Now Herman Cain……all that guy needs is Jan Brewer as a runningmate, and GAME ON!

  • prommie

    Fer Cripes Sake, we're on the Eve of Destruction, and Wonkette throws the coverage to Mr. Excitment, Tommy Newsome here, with his magic underwear and Osmond-teeth? If this guy never tied a dog to the roof of his car, I don't want to hear about him. Has he ever bribed an Olympic Site Selection Committee? Flip-flopped on unversal health insurance? Fuck him, he's nothing to me. I want to hear about Saudi royals shitting their robes and Gulfstreaming in panic to the relative safety of their yachts in Cannes.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Wait, he's white? Good enough for me.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Hi, I'm John Huntsman, a standard issue (Utah version) white guy with lots of teeth and no views on anything important. My platform is civility and I would like your vote for President of the United States.

    This guy couldn't win any precinct outside of Utah.

    • Negropolis

      With the way things have changed since he was governor, I'm not sure he could even be elected governor of Utah, again.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Palin must be dancin' with the bhars, griz that is. Too many quasi-sane splits them votes and ups the chances of the crazy insane.

  • metamarcisf

    Some people, you only have to look at them to know they're full of shit, but in a good way.

  • MinAgain

    Seems like a decent, reasonable guy. Why is he a Republican, again?

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      Because he's from Utah and wanted to be a politician?

  • MozakiBlocks

    Ok, I could swear that I read a story yesterday that said he's decided against running in 2012.

    I guess he was against being President before he was for it.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Unless he can pack fudge like Mitt, I don't see what he offers the GOP.

  • aguacatero

    I agree — the Obama job counts for more like minus-30. But at the same time, and, devilishly, while Huntsman would be forced to counteract this by using "tough" rhetoric against Obama, doing so would cut into his "civility" brand, AND would turn off a bunch of low-information independent voters who think that turning on your boss is ignoble. He's in an awful bind, even assuming the Heavenly Father's assistance.

  • bloodandirony

    POTUS: According to these polls this Romney guy is the only candidate who poses much of a threat in the general election.

    David Axelrod: If only we had a pet Republican around here who we could send to split the Moderate/Mormon coaltion backing Mitt. .. .

  • LiveToServeYa

    “And I’m sure that him having worked so well with me will be a great asset in any Republican primary.” -Barry Obama. Doomed, I say.

    • Negropolis

      That's the Barry I used to know. Why can't he be this clever all of the time?

  • mookwrthwilson

    I am not gay, but damn, that is a handsome middle aged man…

  • JustPixelz

    He's the Mormon who's health insurance reform ideas weren't used by Demoncrats.

  • boolean_radley

    I'm going to go try "fried squirrel eaters" out at BigGovernment.

  • NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    the Beckster has big plans for Jon Huntsman

  • Jukesgrrl

    He LOOKS like he sits at the head of the table on C Street. Have Sen. Ensign's parents given him any money lately? How about his kids? (No more of the "he cut my grass" ruse.)

  • Redhead

    Wait, he wants to run on a platform of sanity as a Republican? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  • Negropolis

    Sweet. So, he's the American-Mormon ambassador to the subversive Chinamen under the socialist, Indo-Kenyan administration of Secret Muslin Barack Hussein Obama.

    Yeah, that should really go over well with the tea party. Cuntsman FAIL.

  • Negropolis

    The Republicans always win with fear and threats, so the threat of eating children isn't exactly a secret weapon, rather par for the course.