LOOKING IN THE MAGIC TOP HAT  11:55 am January 31, 2011

Huntsman Still Running For President, Making Romney Look Like Teabagger

by Jack Stuef

So very Mormon.Former Utah governor and current Ambassador to China Jon Huntsman is going to run for the Republican nomination for president, just as he always has been, basically. He will wait until this spring, because like every potential GOP presidential candidate, he hates giving the political Internet pageviewz. Huntsman’s campaign staff will basically be John McCain people from 2008, and Huntsman will be a similarly moderate alternative to the candidates who eat fried squirrel. How moderate? He currently works for Barack Obama. So it is likely Teabaggers will assassinate him before he can even get to the Iowa caucuses for helping prop up an illegal Kenyan president. Oh, and he’s Mormon. So he’s just around to make Mitt Romney look good in comparison, we guess?

Let’s go to Politico for analysis—

He’ll also have to hope that the current civility craze extends to a significant slice

—and then let’s stop, because, Jesus Christ, “civility craze”? Is that really how their brains work? Yeah, we guess it is.

At first glance, Romney would appear to be the contender with the most to lose from having another clean-cut, business-friendly former governor with a family fortune, an Ivy League degree and a close connection to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in the race.

Yes, OR Romney can tell conservatives he is the good kind of Mormon, the kind who will not betray the party for the black man/eat their children. “But, folks, I may just eat your children you don’t nominate me this time,” he will say, and he will win because of fear. [Civility Craze Digest]

 
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{ 87 comments }

nounverb911 January 31, 2011 at 11:58 am

Where is your magic underwear's birth certificate?

CrunchyKnee January 31, 2011 at 11:58 am

God damned kids with their civility crazes…sheesh.

Negropolis February 1, 2011 at 1:05 am

Yeah, with their hippity-hoppity, and FaceTube, and MyPlace, and SpaceBook. Damn them all to hell (i.e. Peoria).

Serolf_Divad January 31, 2011 at 11:59 am

But will Huntsman take Sarah Palin as his second (third? fourth? Do we really know how many) wife?

Because that would probably help swing the balance in his favor.

WhatTheHeck January 31, 2011 at 12:04 pm

I guess that's why they are called running mates.

BaldarTFlagass January 31, 2011 at 12:00 pm

He'll last until the first crazed teabag person points out that his time as Ambassador to China makes him a perfect Manchurian presidential Candidate.

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] January 31, 2011 at 12:23 pm

The hell you say! Jon Huntsman is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life.

i_AM_ready January 31, 2011 at 12:02 pm

A former governor from a state that has almost no people.

Let's cut to the chase and elect Barry Goldwater President. Sure he's dead and nobody under age 50 knows who he is, I mean was, but whatever.

charlesdegoal January 31, 2011 at 12:12 pm

In my heart I know you're right (up there with us old folks)

ifthethunderdontgetya January 31, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Where are our jello cups???
~

prommie January 31, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Didn't Kinky Friedman make a song about him? "They Ain't Makin' Jews Like Barry Goldwater Any More?"

CapnFatback January 31, 2011 at 12:03 pm

"Now, this'll be a straight Mormon-off, old school rules. First Mormon proselytizes; second Mormon duplicates, then polygamizes. Okay, boys–let's go to work!"

Crank_Tango January 31, 2011 at 12:05 pm

if there is a current civility craze, does that mean bellbottoms will be back again soon?

nounverb911 January 31, 2011 at 12:21 pm

And Nehru jackets.

mereoblivion January 31, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Over my dead . . . mannequin.

4TheTurnstiles January 31, 2011 at 12:05 pm

this dude sucked on dancing with the stars, even harder than his airhead sister… and he won anyway. LDS means 'get out the vote' in the Mormon alphabet

Callyson January 31, 2011 at 12:05 pm

"Former Utah governor and current Ambassador to China Jon Huntsman"
Oh, that's who the guy in the photo is? I could have sworn he was my insurance agent…

charlesdegoal January 31, 2011 at 12:18 pm

A one-of-a-kind garden variety plain vanilla regular white man.

Negropolis February 1, 2011 at 1:08 am

I bet you he plays a mean game of golf.

Native_of_SL_UT January 31, 2011 at 12:06 pm

Ah come on guys, Huntsman is a good egg. I liked him when he was Gov here because he is actually a pretty reasonable and intelligent man. Which means there is no way in hell he will ever make it through the Republican primaries.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 31, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Moderate is the new commie pinko fag hippy brown or black socialist.

mumbly_joe January 31, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Come now, you're being completely unfair. He's a commie pinko socialist because of the intelligent bits, and only a homo because of the "reasonable" and "moderate" bits. It's important to recognize the nuance* and subtlety* of teabag-ese.

*(The teabag-ese word for "nuanced" and "subtle" is also "a homo", incidentally, in case you were wondering.)

freakishlywrong January 31, 2011 at 12:06 pm

I really, really, really wish this Huntsman guy's first name was Mike or Jack even. It would be funner for us juvies at the Wonkett.

Oblios_Cap January 31, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Have you seen Mike Hunt's Man?

twoeightnine January 31, 2011 at 1:37 pm

He's got like 27 brothers, I'm sure there's a Mike or Jack or Dildo.

DerrickWildcat January 31, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Being the ruler of your own planet would seem to be cooler than just being the President of the United States.

Oblios_Cap January 31, 2011 at 12:09 pm

The PAC will be run by Susie Wiles, a Florida-based Republican strategist who recently managed the campaign of newly-inaugurated Gov. Rick Scott.

if this broad's involved, then Mr. Huntman is also a member of the same tribe of of Lizard People that Rick Scott belongs to. This guy is hardly the voice of moderation.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 31, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Susie Wilies?

Was she named by Warner Brothers?
~

horsedreamer_1 January 31, 2011 at 12:23 pm

& I thought Rick Scott himself was going to run for President.

Then again, it would be hard to be a(n all-but-)convicted felon & have your henchmen strike from the voter rolls people you're pretty sure are black felons.

SmutBoffin January 31, 2011 at 12:10 pm

More Mormon candidates means more Newsweek covers proclaiming the same.

Won't win, though.

Not_So_Much January 31, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Sure, Utah is a gun and mormon-infested frozen hellscape of not just republicans, but Real Republicans that offers nothing to society in general except 3 months of skiing and all the guns you can eat. That said, I've heard this guy is actually sane, in spite of his geographic and religious encumbrances. Shit, he's gotta be better than Mittens the Dog whisperer torturer.

Native_of_SL_UT January 31, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Had he not been appointed ambassador to China, I would be willing to bet that the our right wing crazies would have dealt him the same hand they dealt Bob Bennett.

DashboardBuddha January 31, 2011 at 12:11 pm

"good kind of Mormon"

Like the Force? I see Mitt just holding on in the polls when Huntsman says, "Mitt…I'm your father"

"Noooo…oh wait. You might be at that.

PS – the good side of Morman is Mammon.

chickensmack January 31, 2011 at 12:12 pm

I don't fear Romney eating my children. I fear Romney making more children.

Beetagger January 31, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Moroni for President! Why accept an Earthly substitute?

horsedreamer_1 January 31, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Clearly, this opposition from within his own administration is proof of Obama's moral weakness & the national electorate's will to look elsewhere for solutions.

SmutBoffin January 31, 2011 at 12:19 pm

It is also indicative of a White House in turmoil.

Did that sound OK? I'm really looking to try to score a pundit job in the near future.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 31, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Is anyone else getting inundated with TV and or radio commercials about people who were dregs of society and then became Mormons and now they’re really happy and nice? They kind of make me hate the Mormon Church a little bit more.

baconzgood January 31, 2011 at 12:23 pm

They control the Boy Scouts and Flag Foundation too.

Oblios_Cap January 31, 2011 at 12:30 pm

The Brown Shirts here in the capitol of America's Dingus™ are bringing in Karl Rove to speak to the junior hitler youth. Last year it was Mike Fuck-a-bee, and a couple of years before that it was Ollie North.

prommie January 31, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Once they infect any organization, the Mormon Nepotism begins, and it never stops.

Native_of_SL_UT January 31, 2011 at 12:29 pm

I was raised in the "Church", but now that I have rejected them and become a dreg of society, I am now truly happy.
And nice. Now fuck off.

snoopyfan2010 January 31, 2011 at 1:15 pm

How else do you expect them to sell a new religion????

aguacatero January 31, 2011 at 12:17 pm

I'm still voting for Obama, but I've got Big Love for this guy and his progressive stance on greenhouse gas regulation.

(No Republican primary voters are reading this, right?).

Buzz Feedback January 31, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Dale Murphy and a gallon of whole milk will replace Huntsman as ambassador.

edgydrifter January 31, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Let's examine the Republican nomination variables:

Religious: +2
Mormon: -2
Governor: +10
Governor of Utah: -5
Republican: +3
Works for Obama: -5
Works for Obama in China: -10
High school dropout: -3
College graduate: +3
Elitist college: -2
No military record: -4
No name recognition: -3
White: +15

Skin tone almost drags him back into positive territory, but the ambassador should probably think twice before quitting his day job.

aguacatero January 31, 2011 at 12:23 pm

You forgot "has 'hunts' and 'man' in name: +2"

SmutBoffin January 31, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Don't forget the bonus round, where a willingness to bomb other countries can bring you big, BIG points…

YasserArraFeck January 31, 2011 at 12:19 pm

And, flinging myself head first into the current "civility craze", I said "Good Morning" to my wife today. This fucking MADNESS is gonna have to stop!!

horsedreamer_1 January 31, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Don't worry. You'll just get back to beating her on Super Bowl Sunday.

YasserArraFeck January 31, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Thank God! Balance will be restored…….."GET ME ANOTHER GODDAM BEER, BITCH!!
Good times…..

Sophist [APPLESAUCE] January 31, 2011 at 12:21 pm

…Jon Huntsman is going to run for the Republican nomination for president, just as he always has been, basically.

I'm pretty sure Jon Huntsman came out of the womb with graying hair and a Presidential Exploratory Committee.

horsedreamer_1 January 31, 2011 at 12:26 pm

The man was born — in this country — to be President.

chascates January 31, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Anyone keeping a count of the GOP possibles? About 15 now by my reckoning.

SmutBoffin January 31, 2011 at 12:27 pm

How about the phrase "rent by internal divisions"?

That could come in handy.

jim89048 January 31, 2011 at 12:43 pm

I think Utah was created to serve as the Gitmo for the war in heaven they go on about.

WriteyWriterton January 31, 2011 at 5:15 pm

How about "rent boy internal divisions"? Too late?

Tommmcatt January 31, 2011 at 12:28 pm

It would be a bit like running a bowl of tepid Cream-Of-Wheat, wouldn't it?

DerrickWildcat January 31, 2011 at 12:28 pm

A Proper Christian's guide to fucking with Mormons. http://newsletters.cephasministry.com/lds2.99.htm

Monsieur_Grumpe January 31, 2011 at 1:00 pm

That's great. I still prefer to yell at them about magic underwear, Marie Osmond, golden plates and con men all while shaking up a beer to spray on them.

GOPCrusher January 31, 2011 at 1:53 pm

I think you can apply this to any Xtian Cult or Sect.
None of them think another Cult are real Xtians. Hell, I've seen Quakers wish hateful shit on other Quakers because they don't belong to the version of the Quaker church as them.

Negropolis February 1, 2011 at 1:22 am

This must be somewhere up in OG Pennsylvania, because the Quaker congregation near me is basically not even Christian.

Gunner Asch January 31, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Is there a Flying Spaghetti Monster's guide to fucking with all the invisible sky fairy minions?

Gopherit January 31, 2011 at 12:30 pm

I can't take any of these milquetoast republican candidates seriously. Now Herman Cain……all that guy needs is Jan Brewer as a runningmate, and GAME ON!

prommie January 31, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Fer Cripes Sake, we're on the Eve of Destruction, and Wonkette throws the coverage to Mr. Excitment, Tommy Newsome here, with his magic underwear and Osmond-teeth? If this guy never tied a dog to the roof of his car, I don't want to hear about him. Has he ever bribed an Olympic Site Selection Committee? Flip-flopped on unversal health insurance? Fuck him, he's nothing to me. I want to hear about Saudi royals shitting their robes and Gulfstreaming in panic to the relative safety of their yachts in Cannes.

mrblifil January 31, 2011 at 12:38 pm

They've had .all summer to react after all…

mrblifil January 31, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Wait, he's white? Good enough for me.

donner_froh January 31, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Hi, I'm John Huntsman, a standard issue (Utah version) white guy with lots of teeth and no views on anything important. My platform is civility and I would like your vote for President of the United States.

This guy couldn't win any precinct outside of Utah.

Negropolis February 1, 2011 at 1:24 am

With the way things have changed since he was governor, I'm not sure he could even be elected governor of Utah, again.

weejee January 31, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Palin must be dancin' with the bhars, griz that is. Too many quasi-sane splits them votes and ups the chances of the crazy insane.

metamarcisf January 31, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Some people, you only have to look at them to know they're full of shit, but in a good way.

MinAgain January 31, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Seems like a decent, reasonable guy. Why is he a Republican, again?

Native_of_SL_UT January 31, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Because he's from Utah and wanted to be a politician?

MozakiBlocks January 31, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Ok, I could swear that I read a story yesterday that said he's decided against running in 2012.

I guess he was against being President before he was for it.

LionelHutzEsq January 31, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Unless he can pack fudge like Mitt, I don't see what he offers the GOP.

aguacatero January 31, 2011 at 1:15 pm

I agree — the Obama job counts for more like minus-30. But at the same time, and, devilishly, while Huntsman would be forced to counteract this by using "tough" rhetoric against Obama, doing so would cut into his "civility" brand, AND would turn off a bunch of low-information independent voters who think that turning on your boss is ignoble. He's in an awful bind, even assuming the Heavenly Father's assistance.

bloodandirony January 31, 2011 at 1:39 pm

POTUS: According to these polls this Romney guy is the only candidate who poses much of a threat in the general election.

David Axelrod: If only we had a pet Republican around here who we could send to split the Moderate/Mormon coaltion backing Mitt. .. .

LiveToServeYa January 31, 2011 at 1:41 pm

“And I’m sure that him having worked so well with me will be a great asset in any Republican primary.” -Barry Obama. Doomed, I say.

Negropolis February 1, 2011 at 1:25 am

That's the Barry I used to know. Why can't he be this clever all of the time?

mookwrthwilson January 31, 2011 at 2:09 pm

I am not gay, but damn, that is a handsome middle aged man…

JustPixelz January 31, 2011 at 2:18 pm

He's the Mormon who's health insurance reform ideas weren't used by Demoncrats.

boolean_radley January 31, 2011 at 4:05 pm

I'm going to go try "fried squirrel eaters" out at BigGovernment.

NadePaulKuciGravMcKi January 31, 2011 at 6:31 pm

the Beckster has big plans for Jon Huntsman

Jukesgrrl January 31, 2011 at 7:03 pm

He LOOKS like he sits at the head of the table on C Street. Have Sen. Ensign's parents given him any money lately? How about his kids? (No more of the "he cut my grass" ruse.)

Redhead January 31, 2011 at 9:01 pm

Wait, he wants to run on a platform of sanity as a Republican? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Negropolis February 1, 2011 at 12:55 am

Sweet. So, he's the American-Mormon ambassador to the subversive Chinamen under the socialist, Indo-Kenyan administration of Secret Muslin Barack Hussein Obama.

Yeah, that should really go over well with the tea party. Cuntsman FAIL.

Negropolis February 1, 2011 at 1:04 am

The Republicans always win with fear and threats, so the threat of eating children isn't exactly a secret weapon, rather par for the course.

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