the rise of the olds

Lame Old White-Guy Terrorist Tries To Blow Up Mich. Mosque With Fireworks

Just trying to complete the bucket list!You know what sometimes happens when people try to scare wingnuts by saying Dearborn, Michigan is a dangerous city full of Muslins that is trying to impose Shariah law on us all? Sometimes, an old white guy decides it needs to be blown up. Weird, huh? It’s like, How would such a person make a connection between the Fox News shows telling him such a place needs to stop existing and deciding he needs to go make it stop existing? 63-year old Roger Stockham of California loaded his car with fireworks and drove to Michigan to invest the state with tourism dollars and death. But then he made the mistake of telling a TRAITOROUS fellow non-Muslim at a bar that he was blowing up a mosque, and he was caught. And now he’s officially a failed terrorist.

It is amazing how the millions of non-Muslim people who live in and around Dearborn do not think the Dearborn Muslims are a threat. Are they too busy being concerned about being unemployed and trying to keep their family afloat in the hellish Michigan economy to watch Fox News? Because they should. This Dearborn is evil, according to the Fox News people who don’t live there. There are terrorists being made. Terrorist white guys who watch Fox News, that is.

Dearborn Mayor Jack O’Reilly said the suspect “had a lot of high-end fireworks.”

“It was the max you could buy legally.”

The problem with old white guys who become terrorists is that they have no imagination. Because the propaganda they watch is even duller and stupefying than Al Qaeda’s.

Haddad said that a witness said that Stockham was planning to blow up the mosque. The suspect “appeared to be acting alone,” Haddad said.

Acting alone with the implicit support of various wingnut “news” outlets who scare people like him in order to make money off their hatred. [Detroit Free Press]

Related

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

152 comments

  1. ManchuCandidate

    Fireworks? Seriously? It's the explosive equivalent of eating 100 Slim Jims to get your 100% daily intake of Vitamin A. Just… wow. White guys who take Faux seriously are seriously dumb.

    1. AngryBlakGuy

      …you my friend have obviously never went to college! I remember when 3 beers and a bag of Doritos was considered a 4 course meal!

      1. ManchuCandidate

        I didn't get this stupid by not going to higher larning. You and your eelightist meal courses. I lived on one course as I just dumped everything that consisted my "meal" into the pot.

      1. genxr

        The airborne fart brigade swoops in to unleash their own special brand of hell. War is Hell. And Hell is for Gyros.

    2. deanbooth

      The Times Square car bomber guy used M80s, too, though the propane tanks added a bit more credibility.

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    Don't know how much damage you can do with sparklers and Magic Snakes. Now, if there were bottle rockets in his trunk, he should get life.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Sparklers apparently make pretty good bombs. Check out the youtubes. Now snakes on the other hand, just make a smelly mess.

  3. Frost/Nixon/Robocop

    He might have succeeded if he had only worked out on some monkey bars. That is, instead of not working out at all.

  4. AngryBlakGuy

    …why does this sound like something that was planned out around a camp fire, while drinking bottom of the pot moonshine with a guy named Cooter?!

    1. Ruhe

      Well I think these guys would be less terror prone if they spent more time with Cooter, but we're probably not talking about the same thing.

      1. OneDollarJuana

        And just where do most people have to get "high end" fireworks? Indian reservations, that's where. Another oppressed minority that might harbor a grudge. It can't be the white guy's fault, white guys aren't terrists.

        1. Negropolis

          Actually, here in Michigan, you get "high-end" fireworks from across the border in that barbarous land we call Indiana-tucky also known by its Muslim name "Hoosieria".

  5. GregComlish

    I suspect the Roman Candles were, in fact, a political statement about the embattled Western civilization fighting back against the Muslim incursion.

    Still not sure how the bottle rockets fit in the paradigm …

  6. Weenus299

    Maybe he was just going to set them all off on a random night to disturb the sleep of thousands of Muslins Dearborn-wide.

  7. ttommyunger

    Oh well, he's got three Hots and a Cot for life, now, and plenty of fellow morons to banter with about the impending Muslim threat. Manchu is seriously correct, though; it is fortunate that those who drink the FoxTard Kool-Aid are stupefyingly dumb.

      1. ttommyunger

        He doesn't have a very pretty mouth, or anything else, for that matter, but then rape has little to do with aesthetics, prison or otherwise.

  8. x111e7thst

    I'm waiting for M Bachman to explain to me how this fucktard was driven to act by Obummer taking away his Second Amendment Remedies.

  9. V572625694

    See? The system works! Let's increase appropriations to DHS and FBI immediately! And TSA will deploy their new $475K/ea Cherry Bomb Detector at 200 airports just as soon as Chertoff's firm can get them built.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      The only problem with that is the machine will also wipe anything written by Joan Jett/Runaways from your ipod.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe he thought he would blow up the toilets in the mosque with them cherry bombs. The joke's on him, though, as those Eastern-style toilets, mostly just a hole in the floor, don't lend themselves to that kind of pranksterism.

    3. FlownOver

      They're waiting for the latest modification – the Intracolonic Cherry Bomb Detection Module – before they deploy. The primary added feature is that, upon detection, the device emits a signal detonating the contraband in situ.

  10. Ruhe

    True story: My office manager, Debbie (natch), came in to work the other day in quite a fluster about the terror bombing that had happened in Arizona. "I hadn't heard about that" I said and quickly got on MSNBC an CNN to look for the news. Nothing. Then Debbie says, "well it was all over FOX." So we go and look at FOX.com. The "breaking news" was about a raggedy old book being found in the middle of the godforsaken desert. What the Debbies all over America heard was "Terror bomber on way to terror bombing appointment leaves behind threatening paperback. Officials on high Alert." The Debbies are sweet as pie but they're gonna kill us all.

    1. Dr_Zoidberg

      Yeah, but what was the book? It very well could have been a terrorist book, like the gay penguin book 'And Tango Makes Three'.

    2. BarryOPotter

      "Damn it, Eli! Is this your book? I think you owe Debbie (natch) an apology. She saw your big-ass book in the Arizona desert and now she's quite freaked the fuck out…"

    3. imissopus

      We had a "Debbie" in the office I was working in on 9/11. A few weeks afterwards when everyone was freaking out about anthrax, she spotted a pile of white powder one day and pushed the panic button, and we all had to evacuate the building. Turned out to be powdered sugar from a doughnut. True story.

    4. Lascauxcaveman

      Don't worry, if your town has public transit, chances are Debbie will step in front of a moving bus/train/subway before she can do too much damage to others.

  11. SorosBot

    I'm sure of two things:

    1) The mainstream media will never report on this; right-wing terrorism just does not exist in their world.

    2) If any wingnuts do learn of this, they will come up with some convoluted bullshit reason to claim the right-wing media is in no way responsible for an incident that they were clearly responsible for; hell, I wouldn't be surprised if the name-changing Breitbart troll joins this very thread pulling something out of his ass to claim this guy was a liberal, as he did with Loughner.

    1. jim89048

      Of course he's a librul–hello, California? How could he not be a librul? Unless he lives in Orange County, or anywhere else that's more than 30 miles from the coast, that is.

    2. Negropolis

      Apparently, the Detroit News (the conservative of the two dailies in the city) mentioned three times throughout their article on this that the guy was arrested for making threats against president Bush because of something he said about Iraq, but didn't mention whether he was making threats because he thought Bush's comments were too liberal or too conservative. Leave it to the News, though, to make sure that we knew he made a threat against Bush, though.

      The guy is an old right-winger army vet who has made threats against Muslims, before, and who it was reported referred to the post leader at his VFW as a "nigger." He's an over-all racists and bigot with behavorial issues.

  12. freakishlywrong

    "Acting Alone" = "Isolated indecent" = right wing hate rhetoric not to blame.
    Old white guy = not a terrist'; terrists are brown. Just an unhinged veteran. Next!

  13. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Another article said the he had a lot of M-80s. I wonder if he planned on lighting them one at time and tossing them at the mosque? Maybe he was going to blow up their garbage cans or mail box which are the number one targets of all people with M-80s.

  14. baconzgood

    The Zambelli Brothers are proud to present George Carlin look alike's "Mr. Stockham Goes to Dearborn"

  15. Pragmatist2

    Did he plan to have musical accompaniment?
    I'm not sure the 1812 Overture works.
    How about "Schaharazade?"

  16. HolyMaracas

    Silly old wingtard. On his way to Michigan, he should've stopped by Arizona to load up on real, regulation-free ammo.

  17. weejee

    Beyond mailboxes, M-80s don't blow-up much savin' those who picked up *duds* and are short a couple of fingers. However, and as a chemist just sayin', M-80s could be used as percussive detonators for significantly larger ka-booms and they are readily available if not locally legal. Here's hopin' they seriously bust his truk nutz and send a clear message to the vigilantes.

  18. chickensmack

    Take a look inside the Hall of Mirrors, where left is right, and up is down, and you'll finally understand what makes up the complex portrait of George Carlin — Behind the Grave.

    1. LiveToServeYa

      Actually, when I saw the pic, the first thing through my mind was 'George Carlin, NOOOO!' Then, I remembered he was dead and that he'd never blow up a mosque. Maybe a Las Vegas hotel, but not a mosque.

      1. chickensmack

        Funny, but in another thread here, someone referenced William Conrad. Thus, thanks to idyllic memories, I was hearkened back to when the Mads got "the sillies", when they invented the First Alert William Conrad Refrigerator Alarm.

        Now I see Teevee's Frank's mug rising out of my post. I shall fap now.

  19. cheetojeebus

    It's been almost two weeks since that white power nut in Arizona got snatched up by the fuzz with a butt load of homemade hand grenades, yet zero outrage on cnn much less fox, then there is this friggin moran, seems to me the kettle is boiling and no one is watching.

  20. BZ1

    Here's an interesting take on this from the Detroit Free Press article feedback: (Birinmich): "So a left wing liberal nut job from California with an anti-religion, anti-government twist thinks he can blow up a mosque with fireworks. 3rd page news at best."

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      To be fair, most of the brown terrists are morons, too Otherwise they would be be in a better line of work.

      (Underpants bomb? Hello!?)

      1. superdave

        Hey, at least that dude made it onto the plane with explosives on his junk. This guy can't even get to the mosque without blabbing about it.

        Hellooooo! OPSEC, anybody?!? Them A-rabs had 19 guys in the country for months without blowing their cover.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      G. Gordon Liddy resents the implication. He is much more attractive than the man atop this post.

  21. fartknocker

    This looks like the same guy who blew the shit out of his Walmart flat screen when Bristol Palin got too many votes when watching that teevee show "Dancing with the Wasilla Wanabees." So many mixed messages from the TeaTards.

    1. SorosBot

      Retired for now. After the first five retirements, it's hard to believe he's really retired until opening day comes and he's not embarrassing himself by throwing interceptions for some desperate struggling team.

  22. babyeinstein

    yo jack, no offense, this article is funny, but the commenters at faux news are really delivering the zingers on this one. you guys should check it out.

    "wow that's scary…that there is a mosque that big in america," jokes "virginiamom." HILARIOUS. enjoy, you pieces of shit libruls.

  23. Chet Kincaid

    I'm not so sure that using fireworks is such a dopey idea. Last 4th of July, the Calumet Region Grassroots Fireworks Spectacular was more impressive than Daley's shows, and the idiot across the street from me was firing off ordnance at midnight that was so loud and roof-rattling that we were seriously afraid for our house and their life and limb.

  24. SaintRond

    In his Fox News delirium he figured he could just tell anyone who wasn't wearing a turban about what he was planning to do and there wouldn't be any problems, because of course everyone who's normal wants to blow up some mosque in Dearborn.

  25. mavenmaven

    Well, as this plot is too big for him, he can become a widely defended teabag hero by killing some innocent 9 year old girl. Especially if she pleads for her life first.

  26. genxr

    Fox News Headline: Explosives found in Radical Mosque, a clear threat to America's Heartland.

    No details at 11. That will be all.

  27. BZ1

    readers in the Detroit Free Press article feedback page have already convinced themselves that is a leftwing nutjob, why? 'cause he's from Californication…

  28. lulzmonger

    The Cherry-Bomb Bomber, eh? I have a sneaking suspicion this guy's family tree looks like the Olympic logo.

  29. problemwithcaring

    The article says this loon is anti-government. The Glen Beck White Board of Crazy explanation of how a mosque in Michigan is related to the socialist government takeover must have been something to behold.

  30. mumbly_joe

    Ken, you got this story completely wrong. For starters, everybody knows that white people can't be terrorists. Ever.

    I demand that you replace every instance of "terrorist" in the abovegoing article with "Lone disgruntled nut, who was probably also a secret leftist, also, too."

  31. teebob2000

    I saw the URL of the first link going to freep.com and I thought, "they're fucking linking to Free Republic?"

  32. Negropolis

    If anyone is interested in more news from the Freep:

    Nahhas said he went over to speak to the man, Roger Stockham, after bar employees said there was something odd about him. He had a laptop opened to a page featuring Arabic news and a briefcase.

    "When someone is joking, you know that he's joking. This guy was not joking," Nahhas said.

    "He scared us. He kept saying 'I'm going to make this place famous.' "

    And this:

    "I tried to talk to him. I said if you have issues, people have issues with the government, but they don't go killing innocent people," Nahhas said.

    He said the man told him "that he was going to be making history that day. He said there was going to be a big explosion tonight. My main concern was where."

    "He said, 'Here, there, the mosque' and he kept repeating it," Nassah said. "I realized that this guy meant business. He said 'I am having a magical moment, a historical moment. I'm going to be a part of making history.' "

    Nahhas, 53, said Stockham seemed intelligent, serious and jubilant. "He was trying to celebrate," he said.

    And this:

    Stockham was wearing a black ski mask when police stopped him and was driving a car packed with high-end fireworks, police said.

  33. BaldarTFlagass

    Well, given my 401 statements, it's certainly on my radar as an option. Just got to talk it over with my Edward Jones guy.

  34. HELisforHEL

    Sounds like the perfect Republican Health Care and Social Security solution. Quick, get Boner on the horn.

  35. SorosBot

    It seems like this was a lucky example of a phenomenon that, as a white guy, I've noticed numerous times: white racists tend to assume that all other white people are also racists, and when no non-white people are around will often start saying horribly racist shit, even to strangers at a public place place such as a bar, and will get surprised at fellow white folk who get offended by their racism.

  36. HELisforHEL

    Well put–I am always amazed at the presumption that just because we share a common pigment, we somehow must have the same attitudes about differently pigmented people. There's also the assumption that I would have similar political beliefs, since with my peachy peachiness, that muslin black guy can't possibly be someone I would have voted for.

  37. deanbooth

    Case in point: Soon after my brother-in-law moved to Knoxville, he went to the local hardware store. The proprietor said "I'll be with you right after I help this porch monkey." When my brother-in-law told him he wouldn't shop there, the guy apologized: "I didn't know you was a Yankee."

  38. Lascauxcaveman

    If that was his strategy, he's really showed a lack of imagination here. Robbing banks, (and seeing how long you could get away with it before getting sent away to your comfy penitentiary retirement) sounds like a lot more fun to me.

    But maybe he's afraid of guns.

  39. zhubajie

    Just as well. If he'd blasted a mosque with an assault rifle as people were leaving Friday prayers, he might've killed quite a few. Happened at the Korean Methodist Church in Bloomington, IN, some years ago.

Comments are closed.