Michelle Obama Resurrects Terror Colors, For Weight Loss

You may be aware by now that Michelle Obama is really interested in killing fat people with vegetables, faking Twitter pregnancies, and being Chinese. But did you also know that she is deeply concerned about the troops? Apparently, this obesity thing has gotten so far out of hand that there is almost no one left to go to war, because there are evidently rules about how fat you can be while firing a gun in Iraq or Afghanistan, whereas in America, the fatter the better, while handling weaponry. With all of this in mind, our FLOTUS is now proud to announce her newest initiative: Operation Sexy Freedom Slim-Down!

Michelle went to Fort Jackson in South Carolina last Thursday to announce this new phase of her War on Calories.

A year after she launched the Let’s Move program to end childhood obesity, Michelle Obama visited this Army training post Thursday to witness what Hertling and his staff have done. “The military can model so many wonderful solutions,” she said.

The changes to the chow line alone are dramatic. Food is baked, not fried. Soda machines have been replaced with water, juice and skim milk dispensers. Bins that once held pastries and desserts hold yogurt and fresh fruit.

Because these healthy food options are so strange and confusing to the troops, who have all been tragically “plumped up by fast food and soda and sedentary teenage years spent indoors playing video games,” the food has all been conveniently color-coded, to indicate what kind of terror threat each celery stick poses to their bodies.

The offerings are color-coded: green for the healthiest picks, such as baked salmon and broccoli; yellow for foods that fall in the nutritional middle; and red for more questionable choices.

Obama toured the mess hall during lunch and sat with soldiers while they ate. In an interview afterward, she said she was particularly impressed with how the program allows soldiers to make choices, building personal responsibility for their health and performance. She noted that one soldier she sat with had a plate of ribs clearly not a “green” choice and the woman explained she was rewarding herself for doing particularly well on a test in the field.

Clearly the color coded food labels are being observed with the same seriousness as the terror threat levels of yore. And now that our FLOTUS has taken over the entire American military, it won’t be long before she takes her healthy eating initiatives around the world, where they are probably much less needed. [USA Today]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.