The Week Barack Obama Loved Salmon and Bears

Greetings, stains. It's Friday, and that means it's time for another examination of President Barry Hussein Soetero's least un-American cracktivities. This week, my Internutz were all afouled up, because I live in Egypt, apparently. As a result, I relied not on my beloved "West Wing Week" (sorry Arun C.!) and instead defected to the Jake Tapperocracy that is ABC News's Political Punch blog.Try not to fap into your Ronald Reagan commemorative mugs while you absorb the finely-wrought, sensitive prose I'm about to unleash about Barack Obama's work week.

On Monday, the White House released the names of the so-called "Skutniks," normal-ish humans who are invited to the SOTU to sit in the First Lady's box, haha, siiiiiiiick. If "Skutnik" sounds like a Commie term, it is: America's greatest pinko fascist totalitarian, Ronald "Trotsky" Reagan, began the tradition of shouting-out civilians at the SOTU way back in 1982, when a fellow named Larry Skutnik jumped into the filthy Potomac to save a drowning plane crash victim. Or at least, that is the story America was told. In truth, Reagan had the habit of randomly screaming the names of persons he believed to have cheated him in games of dice sixty years prior. It is a fact that Reagan muttered to Peggy Noonan immediately upon leaving the stage, "Dadgum that Skutnik, always stealin' my nickels!" Noonan misheard this as "waved goodbye and 'slipped the surly bonds of earth' to ‘touch the face of God,'" and while it didn't seem relevant at the time, she figured she ought to write it down, just in case. She promptly tattooed it on her thigh with a Bic pen and an embroidery needle.

On Tuesday, the president gave a long and occasionally interesting speech about budget cuts and fishing, earning him the nickname "Barryatric Sturgeon." (THIS IS A LIE NO ONE SAID THIS AND ALSO IT WAS SALMON DUH.) Your Jakov "Jake" Tappershky, a noted tzaddik and leader of the ABC News shtetl, commanded some young interns to make you a word cloud, that you should remember this speech all the days of your life (or at least a few words from it.) The gist of the speech was as follows: "Do unto others as you would have them HAHA JUST KIDDING CUTS MONIES CUTS GABBY OPENED HER EYES." The rest is just commentary.

On Wednesday, the world's biggest fan of Bears went to the cheese-choked wilds of Wisconsin. "I love 'bears,'" said Obama, eyeing a fat, hairy gentleman in the crowd lustily. "I love them even more than your filthy 'packers,' who do the same thing as my 'bears,' albeit with a bit more success of late." As his giant dusky-hued boner strained his tight leather pants (he wears these under his Brooks Brothers slacks), every man in the crowd shifted his weight and cleared his throat, blushing gently. Then, as is customary in Wisconsin, the daily playing of "It's Raining Men" commenced, as did the traditional outdoor daily man-on-man dance party. Somewhere back in Washington, Joe Biden lifted his head up for a moment and wailed bitterly at the sky.

On Thursday, the wacky puns continued as Obama hired Joe Biden's favorite Carney as his new press secretary. In this capacity, Jay Carney will be responsible for daily briefings with the White House press pool, major media appearances in order to disseminate the president's domestic and international messages, and running the Rose Garden's brand-new Tilt-a-Whirl! He has three teeth and will fingerblast your eldest and dewiest daughter.

On Friday, which is today, we learned that Obama has zero interest in stabbing your abuelita's fucking eyeballs out and then tearing her heart out with a spoon. So that should soothe your night terrors until the next time you gaze upon his blackly visage.

Have a nice weekend, twits. If you are unfortunate enough to live in the metro D.C. area, perhaps you might place this upcoming event 'pon your (empty, sad) social calendars. Or not, if you hate fun.