Remembering Our Fallen Week: Fillet of the Union

by Benjamin Frisch

  • The president recited some old Reagan speech for the State of the Union. It was very well received, especially by the salmon-American population.
  • Blind prophet Michele Bachmann spoke in tongues for six-and-a-half whole minutes following Obama’s Reagan speech, gazing into the very essence of the iChat.
  • An errant olive-pit awakened Dennis Kucinich’s litigious tendencies.
  • Unemployed curmudgeon Keith Olbermann was encouraged to take his unfocused rage-pageant to Capitol Hill.
  • The star of Fat Bitch and Honky Grandma Be Trippin’ revealed Sarah Palin’s fleshy carapace to be an erotic object of the highest order.
  • The tea party fought back against those tyrannical Taiwanese animators with a brand new web series of hott virtual news reports.

  • Meth-gay and reality-teevee star Ted Haggard revealed he would gobble the pole and the hole, if only he were young.
 
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{ 49 comments }

weejee January 28, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Is it my imagination of did this week have a whole lot'a fappin' going on?

BarackMyWorld January 28, 2011 at 7:47 pm

There's a recession and it's cheap entertainment.

SexySmurf January 28, 2011 at 11:05 pm
weejee January 29, 2011 at 9:42 am

Sweet bit SexySmurf on Ayn Rand. But obvs, as the tale ends, number 1 for all Shrugged Atlas wannabes is self-interest. Look at all the conservtard agros who have duct taped themselves to the Federal tit so they don't spill a drop. And Betty White being a pin-up in C'Addle's beloved Stranger – that truly fits.

rocktonsam January 28, 2011 at 7:10 pm

I LIVE IN WISCONSIN AND ALL THE NEWS I GOT THIS WEEK WAS ABOUT THE FUCKING PACKERS.

Troubledog January 28, 2011 at 8:06 pm

Since you guys have so much free time, it would be great if you could stop creating assholes like Paul Ryan. Wasn't Joe McCarthy bad enough?

rocktonsam January 29, 2011 at 11:30 am

you got that right. ask Ryan were he was when the oldest GM plant in this country was closing. the one in his hoME town in his district JANESVILLE wISCONSIN. RYAN IS A MAJOR ASSHOLE.AND WATCH SEN RON JOHNSON ALSO.

Negropolis January 30, 2011 at 12:23 am

Your new governor is a retard. No; really.

SudsMcKenzie January 28, 2011 at 8:10 pm

not that there's anything wrong with that.

ShaveTheWhales January 28, 2011 at 9:43 pm

I live in California, and receive insufficient news about the fucking Packers.

edgydrifter January 28, 2011 at 7:17 pm

The SOTU, the response to the SOTU and Bachmann's bizarro-world State of Insanity address would all have been significantly more interesting with some MST3K-styled real-time commentary from Tracy Morgan. Fingers crossed for next year.

BarackMyWorld January 28, 2011 at 7:32 pm

Sadly, MST3K's Mike Nelson was until recently a Minnesotan and reportedly also a right-winger.

edgydrifter January 28, 2011 at 7:43 pm

It's been a brutal week. Did you really have to go and ruin my weekend? That's completely fucked. Just fucked.

BarackMyWorld January 28, 2011 at 7:45 pm

Another reason Joel > Mike.

chickensmack January 29, 2011 at 12:16 am

I always thought Mike was the craftier writer.

But Joel was bowl-friendly, thus was he a better TV personality.

drrty_martini January 28, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Does this increase or decrease his chances of being my imaginary boyfriend?

Monsieur_Grumpe January 28, 2011 at 7:53 pm

True Story!
MST3K started out as a low budget show on the very local channel 23 TV station here in Minneapolis and could only be received through the air. Once I found this gem I watched religiously. Of course it got canceled. The cast threw a goodbye party at the local comedy club which I attended. This all happened before they were picked up by Comedy Central. The cast each did their own comedy routine and were great but Joel Hodgson's was outstanding. I even sent away for a channel 23 MST3K fan club card and received #246. Unfortunately the wallet was stolen. Sigh. The card would probably be worth billions by now. Mike Nelson is no Joel.

ttommyunger January 28, 2011 at 11:41 pm

At last! Somebody with less of a life than me! Thank you for sharing.

LiveToServeYa January 29, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Good reason to have shot him into space, then.

jim89048 January 28, 2011 at 7:33 pm

I got the jump on the weekend by putting this terrible week to death bed Tuesday night.

Bluestatelibel January 28, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Needz more crying eagle.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 28, 2011 at 7:42 pm

Bennie, you left this out:

Our alleged healthy economy/gambling casino hit a reality check, and yes we are all gonna die.

So no need to worry about that 2037 Social Security thing the plutos keep trying to scare us with.

Hurray, amirite?

USA! USA! USA!
~

slithytoves January 28, 2011 at 8:24 pm

Here's some good news: my cat finally harked up that fur ball he's been working on for a week or so. Who cares if it was on my bed? I feel practically honored. Put that in your week in review, Ben.

Come here a minute January 28, 2011 at 8:26 pm

The most important story of the week was the destruction of two American myths. Jack LaLanne's death and snow in Washington, D.C. proved there is no such thing as beneficial exercise or anthropogenic climate change.

slithytoves January 28, 2011 at 8:37 pm

*Waves hand* 'cuse me – how does snow in Washington prove no anthropogenic climate change, please? Record snowfalls across the country itself points to increased moisture in the atmosphere (caused by global warming) reacting with seasonal temps or even above average temps (given the "notion" that warmer air holds more moisture, but all you need is 30 degrees or so).

The earth is warming; I don't see an argument here for lack of human effect in that warming. Thanks!

thebeatgoeson08 January 28, 2011 at 10:22 pm

i think that comment was a joke…

BeWoot January 28, 2011 at 10:29 pm

Yeah, Jack LaLanne was for real. It is a myth, though, that he carried his own casket at his funeral.

slithytoves January 28, 2011 at 10:42 pm

Some snark is hard to suss, especially at the end of an especially un-funny week. And yeah, agree with BeWoot, one truth, one untruth. Yikes, too tired to untangle the meanings.

thebeatgoeson08 January 28, 2011 at 11:04 pm

Not to belabor the point, but his joke about Jack was that his death proved that there was no such thing as beneficial exercise. Thus, the destruction of 2 American myths. I think we're all weary. It's been an unfunny month millennium.

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 28, 2011 at 11:16 pm

Jack LaLanne was no joke!

ttommyunger January 28, 2011 at 11:43 pm

Oh yes he was, and he laughed all the way to the bank.

Come here a minute January 29, 2011 at 7:13 am

I did not say to whom these theses were proven.

WhatTheHeck January 28, 2011 at 8:37 pm

At any time this week, did the President say, “Republicans, tear down this wall?”
I wasn’t following events too closely.

PublicLuxury January 28, 2011 at 10:26 pm

Let the Eagle Soar baby.

ttommyunger January 28, 2011 at 11:43 pm

Moar buttsecks.!

BarackMyWorld January 29, 2011 at 12:00 am

Also this week…Apparently Tweety rrriiiippppeed Snowbilly and Crazy Eyes on "Hardball" the other day.

thebeatgoeson08 January 29, 2011 at 12:25 am

"p bandit" alert! "p bandit" alert!

Plowmon January 29, 2011 at 8:58 am

Kucinich, the new poster-child for Righty fear mongering among the small-business crowd. Fuck you Kucinich, I hope the rest of your goddamn teeth crack…

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 28, 2011 at 11:02 pm

How do we know this is the real "Neilist" and not a Chinese knockoff built with outakes from Top Gun?

rocktonsam January 29, 2011 at 11:25 am

you're a clever one, sir, yes you are.

DashboardBuddha January 29, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Well, Jesus hung out with whores and such 'cuz that's how he rolled. Other people might hang out with whores because that's the only way they'll get laid.

And here you are hanging with the fudgepackers. ;-)

Mariecohn January 30, 2011 at 8:08 am

There's never a ban hammer around when you need one.

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 28, 2011 at 11:55 pm

Yes, that's the joke (get it)!!!

ttommyunger January 29, 2011 at 12:00 am

I'd offer the excuse that I'm a little slow today, but in truth, I'm a little slow most days.

Negropolis January 29, 2011 at 12:37 am

If he brings back up the gunning down of a nine-year-old girl, then we'll know it's really him.

OneDollarJuana January 29, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Hmm, I sense a bit of "pee-stepping" in this synthesized Neilist.

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 29, 2011 at 12:48 am

Just tryin' to keep you on your toes…

ttommyunger January 29, 2011 at 10:58 am

Need all the help I can get, thanks.

OneDollarJuana January 29, 2011 at 12:06 pm

I have to remind everyone that George Burns lived to be 100, and smoked up to 15 cigars a day. Plus cocktails.

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