• The president recited some old Reagan speech for the State of the Union. It was very well received, especially by the salmon-American population.
  • Blind prophet Michele Bachmann spoke in tongues for six-and-a-half whole minutes following Obama’s Reagan speech, gazing into the very essence of the iChat.
  • An errant olive-pit awakened Dennis Kucinich’s litigious tendencies.
  • Unemployed curmudgeon Keith Olbermann was encouraged to take his unfocused rage-pageant to Capitol Hill.
  • The star of Fat Bitch and Honky Grandma Be Trippin’ revealed Sarah Palin’s fleshy carapace to be an erotic object of the highest order.
  • The tea party fought back against those tyrannical Taiwanese animators with a brand new web series of hott virtual news reports.

  • Meth-gay and reality-teevee star Ted Haggard revealed he would gobble the pole and the hole, if only he were young.
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  • Is it my imagination of did this week have a whole lot'a fappin' going on?

    • BarackMyWorld

      There's a recession and it's cheap entertainment.

    • SexySmurf
      • Sweet bit SexySmurf on Ayn Rand. But obvs, as the tale ends, number 1 for all Shrugged Atlas wannabes is self-interest. Look at all the conservtard agros who have duct taped themselves to the Federal tit so they don't spill a drop. And Betty White being a pin-up in C'Addle's beloved Stranger – that truly fits.

  • rocktonsam


    • Troubledog

      Since you guys have so much free time, it would be great if you could stop creating assholes like Paul Ryan. Wasn't Joe McCarthy bad enough?

      • rocktonsam

        you got that right. ask Ryan were he was when the oldest GM plant in this country was closing. the one in his hoME town in his district JANESVILLE wISCONSIN. RYAN IS A MAJOR ASSHOLE.AND WATCH SEN RON JOHNSON ALSO.

        • Negropolis

          Your new governor is a retard. No; really.

    • SudsMcKenzie

      not that there's anything wrong with that.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      I live in California, and receive insufficient news about the fucking Packers.

  • edgydrifter

    The SOTU, the response to the SOTU and Bachmann's bizarro-world State of Insanity address would all have been significantly more interesting with some MST3K-styled real-time commentary from Tracy Morgan. Fingers crossed for next year.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Sadly, MST3K's Mike Nelson was until recently a Minnesotan and reportedly also a right-winger.

      • edgydrifter

        It's been a brutal week. Did you really have to go and ruin my weekend? That's completely fucked. Just fucked.

        • BarackMyWorld

          Another reason Joel > Mike.

          • chickensmack

            I always thought Mike was the craftier writer.

            But Joel was bowl-friendly, thus was he a better TV personality.

      • Does this increase or decrease his chances of being my imaginary boyfriend?

      • True Story!
        MST3K started out as a low budget show on the very local channel 23 TV station here in Minneapolis and could only be received through the air. Once I found this gem I watched religiously. Of course it got canceled. The cast threw a goodbye party at the local comedy club which I attended. This all happened before they were picked up by Comedy Central. The cast each did their own comedy routine and were great but Joel Hodgson's was outstanding. I even sent away for a channel 23 MST3K fan club card and received #246. Unfortunately the wallet was stolen. Sigh. The card would probably be worth billions by now. Mike Nelson is no Joel.

        • ttommyunger

          At last! Somebody with less of a life than me! Thank you for sharing.

      • LiveToServeYa

        Good reason to have shot him into space, then.

  • jim89048

    I got the jump on the weekend by putting this terrible week to death bed Tuesday night.

  • Bluestatelibel

    Needz more crying eagle.

  • Bennie, you left this out:

    Our alleged healthy economy/gambling casino hit a reality check, and yes we are all gonna die.

    So no need to worry about that 2037 Social Security thing the plutos keep trying to scare us with.

    Hurray, amirite?

    USA! USA! USA!

  • slithytoves

    Here's some good news: my cat finally harked up that fur ball he's been working on for a week or so. Who cares if it was on my bed? I feel practically honored. Put that in your week in review, Ben.

  • Come here a minute

    The most important story of the week was the destruction of two American myths. Jack LaLanne's death and snow in Washington, D.C. proved there is no such thing as beneficial exercise or anthropogenic climate change.

    • slithytoves

      *Waves hand* 'cuse me – how does snow in Washington prove no anthropogenic climate change, please? Record snowfalls across the country itself points to increased moisture in the atmosphere (caused by global warming) reacting with seasonal temps or even above average temps (given the "notion" that warmer air holds more moisture, but all you need is 30 degrees or so).

      The earth is warming; I don't see an argument here for lack of human effect in that warming. Thanks!

      • thebeatgoeson08

        i think that comment was a joke…

        • BeWoot

          Yeah, Jack LaLanne was for real. It is a myth, though, that he carried his own casket at his funeral.

        • slithytoves

          Some snark is hard to suss, especially at the end of an especially un-funny week. And yeah, agree with BeWoot, one truth, one untruth. Yikes, too tired to untangle the meanings.

          • thebeatgoeson08

            Not to belabor the point, but his joke about Jack was that his death proved that there was no such thing as beneficial exercise. Thus, the destruction of 2 American myths. I think we're all weary. It's been an unfunny month millennium.

          • OneDollarJuana

            I have to remind everyone that George Burns lived to be 100, and smoked up to 15 cigars a day. Plus cocktails.

        • Bonzos_Bed_Time

          Jack LaLanne was no joke!

          • ttommyunger

            Oh yes he was, and he laughed all the way to the bank.

          • Bonzos_Bed_Time

            Yes, that's the joke (get it)!!!

          • ttommyunger

            I'd offer the excuse that I'm a little slow today, but in truth, I'm a little slow most days.

          • Bonzos_Bed_Time

            Just tryin' to keep you on your toes…

          • ttommyunger

            Need all the help I can get, thanks.

      • Come here a minute

        I did not say to whom these theses were proven.

  • WhatTheHeck

    At any time this week, did the President say, “Republicans, tear down this wall?”
    I wasn’t following events too closely.

  • PublicLuxury

    Let the Eagle Soar baby.

  • ttommyunger

    Moar buttsecks.!

  • BarackMyWorld

    Also this week…Apparently Tweety rrriiiippppeed Snowbilly and Crazy Eyes on "Hardball" the other day.

  • thebeatgoeson08

    "p bandit" alert! "p bandit" alert!

  • Plowmon

    Kucinich, the new poster-child for Righty fear mongering among the small-business crowd. Fuck you Kucinich, I hope the rest of your goddamn teeth crack…

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