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Eastern Guru Joe Biden Tells Jobless To ‘Hang In There’ and Eat Healthy

Hang in there motherfucker, TGIF!Here is an example of Joe Biden saying something that’s basically common sense advice, but it still sounds kind of jackass-y because, well, Joe Biden is saying it about the nation’s desperate jobless people. Asked what the nation’s 25 million unemployed and underemployed people should do, what with the jobless rate basically unchanged (and terrible) for years now, he said they should “hang in there.” Because Friday’s coming, right! (Oh wait, that’s kind of thing for people with jobs.) Also he told them to quit eating like pigs.

The Huffington Post/Yahoo reports:

Biden said that while the unemployment rate is only “dropping minimally,” the economy is slowly improving, and all people can really do right now is to wait it out. “A significant portion of the companies out there … are saying now that they’re gonna begin to hire this year,” he said. “The message is hang in there, things are coming back.”

When asked what non-political things people could do to help turn around the economy, Biden suggested a healthy diet.

“Don’t smoke, eat healthy, do not consume junk foods,” he said. “I know that sounds silly, but it’s very practical in terms of your own health and well-being, and also on the impact of the cost of maintaining the health care system in the United States.”

Eh, what about how we’ve got the BEST HEALTH CARE SYSTEM IN THE WORLD, according to people who are old enough to be on Medicare and also have never been anywhere else?

But really, unemployment does present a possible way out of the typical, awful American life. Stop eating fast food two or three times a day and you will instantly have an extra three-hundred dollars a month in your pocket. Knock off the smokes and it’s another $150 to $300, depending on your habit. Avoid the entire middle of the supermarket — the frozen dinner and soda pop and boxed-shit aisles that make up 80% of a grocery store’s real estate — and you can fill a cart with produce and pasta and peanut butter and beans/rice/flour/etc. for fifty dollars a week. Start going to bed at a decent hour, waking up early, exercising for free (walking, running, yoga on YouTube, etc.), and pretty soon you’ll be all slimmed down and strong and ready to go riot against Washington like those Egyptian college kids. Because that’s what Biden means, right? Right?!

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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74 comments

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Joke's on you, Biden! The Boner wants to cut Amtrak funding! But just sit in front of the station, waiting it out, sucking on an apple core, and you'll get there someday. Just don't give in to the temptation to buy a fat Cuban cigar and a fat Cuban sandwich, because they're, you know, unhealthy.

    1. Baikonur

      I so love the humor on this site. I have been reading Wonkette for months. Unfortunately, my sense of humor runs one way–I appreciate it so much, but am not capable of producing it :(.

      As for the yahoos/tobacco farmers, etc.–I can't join in making fun of them. I am an immigrant to the US myself. I discovered what is great about this country though all sorts of traveling and working and reading.

      And I think that in this country, as in most others, people of all ages (I mean Neanderthal, Ancient, Medieval, Renaissance, etc.), live along one another. I grew up in Cincinnati, which had a 30% black,30% Appalachian, and the rest German descendents. A hell of a mix. All of them oppressed in some way at one time or another by the government and each other.

      Getting this country right is not easy.

  1. Ken Layne

    I think somebody finally told him that commuting by train is not a hardscrabble working class thing but a big fucking luxury limited to white collar professionals who live along one pricey little strip of America.

    1. petejayhawk

      You know what else is a big fucking luxury? Sitting in front of a computer in your western homestead talking shit about everything that comes through your Google Reader alerts. Some of us have to fucking work for a living, and sometimes that actually involves a train.

      1. ifthethunderdontgetya

        Yeah, keep bragging about your lucrative train-robbing career, petejayhawk.

        Some of us can only imagine ourselves as western outlaw heroes, and such as.

        Then we have to try using our food stamps to buy generic beer.
        ~

  2. bureaucrap

    Long-haired preachers come out every night,
    Try to tell you what's wrong and what's right;
    But when asked how 'bout something to eat
    They will answer in voices so sweet

    You will eat, by and by,
    In that glorious land above the sky;
    Work and pray, live on hay,
    You'll get pie in the sky when you die

  3. Rambone

    It's as if Ken is channeling the spirit of Jack LaLanne, but with snark.

    You can have my frozen salisbury steak dinners when you pry them from my cold, dead, morbidly obese, cheetos-stained hand, Layne!

  4. bumfug

    And when you're hanging in there be sure to kick the stool far enough away that you can't reach it with your foot if you change your mind. We just can't afford to keep feeding you.

  5. savethispatient

    Lyric for 2011:
    I was looking for a job, then I found a job and heaven knows I'm miserable now.

  6. Barbara_i

    Keep it up Joe, and you won't have to worry about what to do with all those pesky checks from post-veep speaking engagements.

  7. LiveToServeYa

    Joe's heart is in the right place. The Orangeutan of the House would've told people to kill themselves and make it look like an accident for the insurance money. Then, he would've cried salty, sweaty tears. "I weep for you, I deeply sympathize…"

    1. Tommmcatt

      "It seems a shame," the Bohner said,
      "To play them such a trick,
      After we got them to vote for us,
      And spread lies on so thick!"
      Pelosi, she said nothing but
      "Just make the cuts, you dick!"

  8. slithytoves

    …it’s very practical in terms of your own health and well-being, and also on the impact of the cost of maintaining the health care system in the United States.

    Ouch, that's like adding "You know the rich just can't pay for your medical bills forever, you know."

    1. LiveToServeYa

      He meant to say 'stay strong for America', but it came out wrong. Probably because his gaffe-control guy has left him.

  9. vulpes82

    Wow, Ken, your rage this week is slightly disturbing. I'm worried about apoplexy. But, luckily, unlike the rest of us poor slobs, you don't truck with anus burgers and fried corn syrup and walk around the desert talking to your Spirit Animal (Coyote?) to keep in shape. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm about to go home and order my Friday slab of greasy dough and cheese we know as a "pizza" and then take a nap.

    Also, you really hate Joe Biden, don't you? After Darth Cheney for eight years, I don't care how much of a jackass he is (though, really, everything he said was more-or-less right, as you admitted), I love him!

  10. x111e7thst

    I understand that Field Marshall Butt Naked was also a proponent of a healthy diet. He may have meant something else by it though.

    1. weejee

      Next door at Butt Hole Foods you can get better mileage for your stamps and enjoy all kinds of organics with yer veggies. Organic veggies or veggies with organics? The up side of the latter is you get kids with two heads for the price of one.

    2. Beowoof

      And here I am thinking a trip over to Whole Foods to drop the entire unemployment check on a salad and a buffalo burger would be just the thing for me to eat healthy. Then tomorrow I can avoid all that bad food or I can beg on the corner of Las Vegas Blvd and Tropicana.

      1. jim89048

        My corner out at the truck stop at Speedway and I-15 may not be as lucrative, but it's relatively secure.

    3. Negropolis

      You're joking, but my mom was just remarking the other day about how many places accept EBT, now. You can use foodstamps at most high-end healthfood stores where I live.

  11. SayItWithWookies

    Hey, it worked for the Viet Minh — there's nothing that ails you that can't be fixed with a diet of plain rice and occasional pieces of fish and a good three-month trek down a jungle trail with 400 pounds of ammunition on a modified bicycle.

  12. natoslug

    Once again, I'm happy to have a job. I might just be willing to give up the two-Sheaf Stout lunch if it means not losing said job.

      1. natoslug

        I've still got 8 years before I hit 50+. I'll quit drinking the work day away sometime before then.

  13. jus_wonderin

    I have this creepy feeling that there is a lady somewhere secretly coding my name into her knitting. Geez. (It could be the Chantix.)

  14. __kth__

    That sounds to me like the final nail in the coffin for Obamacare. If controlling spiraling health care costs requires average Americans to give up Cheez-Whiz Frito Pie and to walk more than a mile a week, it's doomed to failure.

  15. PublicLuxury

    Biden loathes the Boehner.
    Evidence:
    His advice deals strictly with Dr. Orange. Eat healthy… so you don't turn orange from the Cheetos dust. Don't smoke so your skin doesn't look like orange leather. Don't drink because you'll either pee yourself or open your mouth and say something stupid, either way you'll make elephant of yourself.

  16. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I find myself yelling at the radio or TV anytime I hear that “We got the best health care system in the world” crap. Palin just spewed that nonsense (again) a couple of days ago.

    Oh Karma Gods! Please give Palin terminal hemorrhoids and have them not covered by her insurance.
    Thanks in advance!

    1. SorosBot

      We've got the most expensive health care system in the world, so if you view things based on the interests of our corporate plutocrats like Sarah or Rush that's true.

    2. weejee

      Or perhaps that they are covered, but they are to be cauterized using a cherry red-hot fire poker and one 12 oz. Bud Lite for anesthesia.

  17. chascates

    Eating healthy is difficult enough when you have a job. The poor are supposed to eat anus burgers and corn syrup.

    At least ketchup is a vegetable.

    1. Beowoof

      Slather it on folks it has lycopene. Cover your fries in ketchup and you are on your way to health.

  18. BlueStateLibel

    And remember to drink your Ovaltine!
    And a special note to the Ladiez: wear sunscreen and avoid the tanning bed, so at 25 you don't wind up looking like an old sofa or Speaker of the House.

  19. Weenus299

    "Wash that ass every so often, eat more fiber," he said. "Stuff is gettin' better. You'll see. Somepin's been bangin' around my head about that job shit, and sooner or later it's gonna come out. Gonna let it rattle out smore, but stuff's gettin' better. Just keep your asshole clean and your teeth shinin."

  20. OneDollarJuana

    On my way to the dollar store I figured out why the poors buy so much junk food.

    Medium apple: 95 calories, $1.

    McDouble burger: 390 calories, $1.

    The survival choice is obvious.

  21. keepem_sikanpor

    Hey Joe, if you really wanted people to be healthy you would warn them to stay away from your motorcade.

  22. sportshort

    When asked what the unemployed might do, Biden replied: "How the fuck should I know? Some of those sonsabitches are too dumb to wipe twice and flush once. Hey, anybody know where I can get a good cheeseburger around here? Cause I could use a good cheeseburger."

    Then he woke up.

  23. GOPCrusher

    Heard on the radio this AM, that centralized heating is also contributing to the expanding waistlines of the typical American citizen. Because we keep our heat turned up, our bodies do not burn as many calories to maintain proper body temperature.
    So, if you're unemployed, when the utility company comes and turns off your heat supply, you'll benefit from an automatic weight loss program.
    WIN!

  24. Negropolis

    He's right in the sense that you do these things to keep us poor people out of emergency rooms where we'll be crushed to death under a moutain of medical debt. In other words, it's more like a warning and he's using the Republican's "Dont Get Sick" plan for health care. lol

  25. transfatz

    Way to let them eat cake, Joe. When are you ever short of bucks to buy food? Do you eat the same things every meal, every day to save money? How about the food bank, go there often? No COLA on Social Security this year because "there is no inflation". Do you ever even go into a grocery store?

  26. AznMom420

    Railroad hobo smokey joe has seen it all guys. He's been jobless for years, the obamas are just too nice to ask him to leave.

Comments are closed.