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A new, handy guide!Did you know that federal funding is currently not disallowed for some abortions? It’s true! Lucky ladies who have suffered rape, incest, or a threat to their survival are currently the exception and can steal YOUR tax dollars for baby killing. However, House Republicans would like to change this. The “No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act” would protect your (Chinese-loaned) precious federal money from funding these sluts that have subjected themselves to rape. You see, this law would change the rape exception to include only “forcible” rape, a definition that excludes a woman’s being drugged or date-raped. The Republican Party would like you to be vigilant: the next time you are raped, make sure you have full mental capacities and have been drugged and make sure the guy is doing it really hard!

Other types of rapes that would no longer be covered by the exemption include rapes in which the woman was drugged or given excessive amounts of alcohol, rapes of women with limited mental capacity, and many date rapes. “There are a lot of aspects of rape that are not included,” Levenson says.

As for the incest exception, the bill would only allow federally funded abortions if the woman is under 18.

Oh, and statutory rape. If you have any ideas of other kinds of rape they could carve out of medical protection, please let the Republican Study Committee know! They’d be happy to hear from you. [Mother Jones via The Awl]

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  • Barbara_i

    When are they going to pass the law that will allow the rapist to name the baby the victim is forced to have, too?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "As for the incest exception, the bill would only allow federally funded abortions if the woman is under 18."

    14, in the southern states.

    • angryclownspawn

      Is there an under 14 incest exemption if they get married first? Asking for a friend…

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I think the precedent case was Jerry Lee Lewis, but I can't remember how that played out…

        • SorosBot

          Jerry Lee Lewis was just following the precedent already established by Edgar Allen Poe.

          • CalamityJames

            Which followed precedent set in place by the case of Virgin Mary v Yahweh.

      • BerkeleyBear

        Someone's been reading their Indiana Code (or Kentucky, or a bunch of other fucked up states that for some reason think forced child brides shouldn't be covered by stautory rape laws).

  • XOhioan

    I propose that they change the wording from "forceable rape" to "surprise sex."

    • horsedreamer_1

      Hey Jude, don't be afraid.

      • NorthStarSpanx

        Nothing like criminalizing an interruption of the menstrual cycle.

    • genxr

      In Alaska, it's called "brunch"

  • Sounds like the 2011 edition of the GOPers would find a home with Hedley Lamar's rough rangers in raping Rock Ridge.

    Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?
    Applicant: Rape, murder, arson, and rape.
    Hedley Lamarr: You said rape twice.
    Applicant: I like rape.

    • the_deliverator

      This is about the only thing that made me laugh about this. I went on a fucking contact spree my dicknose republican house rep AND the senator (just for good measure, not because i got them confused or anything. HONESTLY). I'll show them with my emails and phone calls and tweets…goddamnit that sounds awful pathetic.

      I'll just try to find some snark now.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Blazing Saddles is once again proving to be the best source of political quotes, ever.

  • mereoblivion

    Men: God, we're an awful gender, as genders go.

    • Fear not – I'm sure the stalwarts of women's rights like Rep. Vagina Foxxe are supporting this measure. Remember, both genders come with the standard issue of assholes.

      • mereoblivion

        You're right, of course, they do. It's just this story put me in a Friday-afternoon What Are We Good For But Breeding And Stupid-Man Jokes? frame of mind.

    • LiveToServeYa

      "Though we adore men individually, we agree that as a sex, they're rather stuuupid." – Mary Poppins

    • MissTaken

      But when you aren't being all rapey and beaty you men can tell some pretty awesome dirty jokes, so your gender has that going for it.

      • mereoblivion

        Thanks, MT. At this point I'll take any "compliment" I can get in my effort to find some reason to believe we shouldn't all just be castrated (and then killed).
        Say, have you heard the one about the nuns and the exercise bike?

        • UW8316154

          Mere, don't get too far out there with your crazy ideas. Castration, fine. But if you kill all the men, who will change my oil?

      • UW8316154

        Well, if you take out the rapey and beaty, and then excise the "trying to get into my panties all the time" part of their brain, I enjoy the company of men quite a bit.

  • slithytoves

    Since when is drugging someone not assault? And thanks to the land of forced abortion for the loan of money not to be used for voluntary abortion.

    Is there any coverage for the rape of my right not to be raped?

    • There is a right not to be raped. That isn't up to you missy. But if some nice man has to rape you be certain that it will be entirely your own fault.

      • slithytoves

        Sounds like what the director of the program said to me in grad school while we all watched the Hill-Thomas hearings in the student lounge: "If I were going to rape anyone, it would be you."

        He thought it was a compliment.

        • Natl_Indecency_Cmdr

          that sweet-talker. what was your response? and how many prisons is he in now?

          • slithytoves

            I didn't say anything. Did I mention that he was the director of the program?

          • Tobacky

            What a fucking asswipe. Sorry to insult toilet paper….

    • angryclownspawn

      I don't remember reading that in the constitution. Maybe we better ask Scalia. On second thought….

  • Oblios_Cap

    Fundy Credo:

    Every sperm is sacred. And every human being counts until it's out of the uterus and / or a woman. Those catagories of humanity just need to STFU and let the old white guys tell them what they can and can't do. Particularly to their own bodies.

    • Ruhe

      Man, that's the crux of it, isn't it.

    • GOPCrusher

      Love the fetus, hate the child.

      • Gleem_McShineys

        How can everything surrounding the abortion issue NOT be seen clearly by everyone as the crass and cynical politically exploitative issue that it truly is?

        Oh, that's right, [insert snark here, forcibly. ]

  • baconzgood

    Sooooooooo, this means Alaska is going to lose a huge chunk of federal funding?

    • genxr

      If you want an abortion, move to Alaska.

      • chicken_thief

        And if you want to move next door to an abortion, move to Wasilla.

  • SayItWithWookies

    So women with Down Syndrome will no longer be eligible for federally funded abortions if they're raped? So compassionate. But no big deal — I'm sure Sarah Palin will come out with a statement excoriating the sponsors of this bill for their inhumanity. Any minute now.

    • baconzgood

      How's that breath holding goin' fer ya?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Oh, Trig's a boy. Doesn't matter about the Girl Downs.

    • billy_reuben

      I remember asking ateacher if mine back at Catholic parochial school about this kind of situation. "Oh, that's not really a problem, since they can't have babies anyways." Turns out, that was dangerous sociopathic bullshit, too. Almost as malignant as the "you-can't-get-pregnant-from-rape-so-if-a-woman-got-pregnant-she-must-have-wanted-it" lesson. Ah, childhood.

  • SexySmurf

    This is good news for John McCain's magnificent ape.

  • MoeDeLawn

    This is humbling. I'm in my seventh decade and hadn't realized how far the category had grown. When I was a kid, they only had a couple kinds of rape.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    This is good news for… roofie manufacturers and liquor distillers?

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    Sure, anybody can just lay there and be raped, but that's not exciting. The Republicans aren't going to let you abort that bastard unless you at least act like your getting into it – you know – put up a fight, make it interesting for them or something. Also, they won't bother trying to catch your rapist (http://tinyurl.com/6kxodhx) and will make you pay for your rape kit as well as the abortion (http://tinyurl.com/5vfvqjh). That's okay though, they assume you were asking for it anyway.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Getting knocked up following a rape and carrying your rape baby to term needs to be viewed as making lemonade from lemons, according to Republican 2012 presidential hopeful, Sharron Angle.

    • umm_huh

      Thanks a lot, Sheriff!

      Last year, after weeks of heavy drinking and banging my head against any hard surface I came across, I had succeeded in forgetting her comment. God! Just thinking about it makes me want to vomit bloody abortions all over Sharron Angle's face.

      P.S. I am putting this next round of drinks on your tab, Roscoe.

      • horsedreamer_1

        She ripped that off from Kerri Kenney-Silver (as "Trudy") on Reno 911.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Wow. She's so optimistic!

  • emmelemm

    Honestly, I feel a little ill, to the detriment of snark.

    • mog253

      Right there with you. Seriously, don't know where to begin the snark.

    • Me too.

    • Yep, this is completely fucking vile.

  • "rapes of women with limited mental capacity"

    looks like the GOP is looking to build their base.

    but no. this is pretty terrible.

    • Veritas78

      Only the GOP could think that raping retards is not that bad a thing to do.

  • KochFembot

    Ahh, forced childbirth. America, FUCK YEAH!

  • karen

    Per George Carlin: They shall now be known as "Unwilling Sperm Recipients"

  • horsedreamer_1

    Considering this infringement on life, liberty, & the right to property &/or pursuit of happiness, which the Teabaggers supposedly hold so dear, I believe we can refer to this episode as "The Rape of the Locke".

    • mereoblivion

      We Kant Hegel with you about that one.

    • the_onceler

      nah, it was about the black guy in the white house.

  • GregComlish

    As for the incest exception, the bill would only allow federally funded abortions if the woman is under 18.

    That's right sluts. If you still getting fucked by your uncle at 18, then that there's what we call consensual.

    • Tobacky

      Ooooor, if you are 15 and he's 35 BUT not related to you, then you sure did have that coming slutty mcslutterson.

  • "rapes in which the woman was drugged or given excessive amounts of alcohol, rapes of women with limited mental capacity, and many date rapes."

    You fancy pants Northerners may call that rape, but down here in God's Country, we call that Courtship and Wooing.

  • Come here a minute

    The bill also contains a provision to restrict funding based on the victim's skirt length and amount of makeup. (The She-Was-Asking-For-It Amendment)

    • mog253

      With a "Provocative Dressing" rider.

  • baconzgood

    Not aborting the children mentally ill and handicapped does't seem consistent with thier "core bases" beliefs. I'm not calling thier core base nazis…..No I am.

  • Following in the earlier Tracy Morgan roundball theme, the Bonernistas have taken another hot button circus shot that they absolutely know is pure air ball before they even take it. Give them a mess of Ts and let Planned Parenthood take the free throws.

    • GunTotingProgressive

      T?

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Excuse me but what the hell is the difference between 'forcible rape' versus just the good old garden variety 'rape'? Is it skirt length, too red a shade of lipstick, stilettos vs. Uggs? Well, at least the Republicans are busy carving out whole new categories of rape.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Lol, Uggs. Pretty much make a girl rape-proof, don't they? No wonder they're so popular among really attractive gals.

    • BerkeleyBear

      I'm gonna give you a non-snarky answer just because this shit has me so upset and I need to explain how bad this is:

      Well into the 1970s, most states required proof of resistance (in addition to lack of consent) as an element of the crime of rape. Force was, in other words, part of the defintion of the crime. So a woman who kept saying "No" wasn't being raped if she didn't physically resist and have that resistance overcome, never mind the fact that resistance is a very good way to turn rape into murder. Similarly, a woman who was coerced into sex by having her car keys taken away and being blocked from leaving a guy's place wasn't raped. And of course, married women taken against their will by their husbands weren't being raped if they went along out of fear of being thrown out on the street abuse to their kids or anything other than violence in the particular act (if there could be rape in a marriage at all). That's in essence what this law goes back to.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Statutory rape was different, but that was more because it represented a loss of property rights to the family (since the girl wouldn't command a dowry) rather than any concern about her mental well being (hence the out clause that it was not rape to marry off a 10 year old).

      When I tried to teach these facts to a legal studies class last year, most of the young women were stunned to find out such attitudes had ever prevailed much less so recently. Apparently for the GOP, though, those really were the good old days.

  • PublicLuxury

    This is great. Now the mentally challenged and intellectually challenged may be raped all the time! This is such good news since ALL republicans fall into one of the above two categories. Rape on assholes, rape on.

  • BlueStateLibel

    So if a rapist holds a knife to a woman's throat and she doesn't "struggle," then that's not really rape. I guess that means if I hold a knife to someone's throat and demand their wallet, which they give to me without a struggle, that's not really robbery?

    • mog253

      Silly, you need bruises, gashes and stab wounds to prove you didn't engage in concensual sex. Dying actually would be best, then no need for an abortion!

      • See also: the trial by ordeal for witchcraft. Drowning means you're innocent!

    • ChessieNefercat

      Depends. Are you white?

    • BerkeleyBear

      Pretty close. Back when most states required resistance to prove rape, the actual use of a knife or gun druing the act was often enough (not always), but the implied threat of one might not be unless the woman actually tried to resist. Similarly, if the guy brought out a knife or gun and the woman, to save her life, acted like she consented to the sex act, no rape charges in a lot of cases – especially if he put the weapon away at some point in the course of events.

  • Rosie_Scenario

    As the saying goes: "If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament."

    • Boredw/Gravity

      Would that I could give you many, many p points.

    • CalamityJames

      Would that I could give you my penis (not to be confused with my p-ness) and allow you to stomp on it…

      Jeebus, I don't even want to look at the damn thing.

  • Republicans keep bleating that they want to get government out of your lives yet they really want to crawl up in everyone’s uterus and set up shop.

    • GOPCrusher

      And teh ghey sex. Don't forget teh ghey sex.

    • CalamityJames

      Makes sense. The smaller the government, the less likely it will leave bruises as it rapes you and yours.

  • Jukesgrrl

    Well, why wouldn't we want to be raped a second time by Republican lawmakers when it seems many of us thoroughly enjoyed the initial rape?

  • PublicLuxury

    What about terrists? Can they rape all they want if they just ask the innocent out for dinner?

    • don't worry – muslin rape is still illegal. don' wan' no half-breeds

  • MrsBiggTime

    In Wasilla, the natives have over two hundred words for "snow." And over three hundred varieties of rape.

    • fisted.

      • CalamityJames

        Actually, I believe "fisting" (or as the eskimoes call it, "Bristoled") isn't considered rape.

  • edgydrifter

    I can't wait for the House to pass the Those Sluts Were Asking For It Act of 2011.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Those Sluts Were Asking for It JOB-KILLING Act of 2011. (Rape is work.)

    • ChessieNefercat

      Those sluts liked it!

  • SexySmurf

    As long as there are Republicans there will be episodes of Law and Order: SVU.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Actually, wouldn't there be fewer episodes? "No, no, that's not rape rape. Come on, come up with another story line."

  • PublicLuxury

    It is hard not to feel dirty and in need of cleansing in bleach.

    Why do republican men hate women?

    • mog253

      It would appear that some Republican women hate women, too. They're very active in all the garden variety anti-choice groups. And donate a LOT of money.

      • LiveToServeYa

        Both Republican men and women look back with fondness on the Patriarchy-that-was, star-spangled and glorified in their imaginations.

        • mog253

          Ah, the non-existent good old days. So much fun to remember.

  • metamarcisf

    The mysterious "Levenson" referred to above, is actually Jan Levinson- Gould, former national corporate boss at Dunder-Mifflin.

  • nounverb911

    Will the victims be allowed to go all second amendment on the rapey parts of men in this bill?

    • mereoblivion

      Male victims are encouraged to "get medieval on [the rapist's] ass"; female victims, to study the novels of Stieg Larsson, I guess.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Only if the victim is a man, and since a real man wouldn't ever let himself be raped.. Well.
      So, no.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Woman drugged, excessively drunk or with limited mental capacity? Overage inbreds?

    Nothing like a nation full of teen mama birthed Trig's – cause the world needs more Trig's, to keep us Exceptional.

  • Buckminster

    Get out of our bedrooms, you rapey Repugs!

  • Apparently they learned from Alaska that rape is the libertarian form of sex.

    • SorosBot

      Alaska, and also direct from The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged.

  • slithytoves

    On the other hand, men who suffer erectile dysfunction after having been raped will have their Viagra/Cialis covered without co-pay and will get additional $20 kickback on each purchase for "pain and suffering."

  • Is it wrong to wish this on the mothers, wives, sisters and daughters of every GOP fucktard that votes for this?

    • slithytoves

      Um, yes.

    • mog253

      Wrong, but understandable.

    • I understand it is wrong. I just can't help preferring it happens to their daughter rather mine. Besides they have probably been conditioned to know that they are walking wombs that any man can fill with impunity.

      • CalamityJames

        Brings to mind the whole Sodom Gomorrah nonsense. Instead of letting the village folk attack the angels, Lot decided to offer his daughters for a big rape-fest.

        Sooooo, yeah. Fuck your God and your religion, teatards.

    • HistoriCat

      They prefer to pay cash for their own abortion needs.

  • SorosBot

    The House Republicans just want to make sure Ben Roethlessberger and Kobe Bryant reproduce as much as possible.

  • crybabyboehner

    If a guy goes to all the trouble to rape a girl, the least she can do is have his child, right?

    • ChessieNefercat

      And generous visitation rights.

      • jim89048

        In prison, where the ungrateful cum-dumpster belongs.

  • LiveToServeYa

    Well, at least they're not proposing to Federally fund the rape. Though … sayyyyyyyyy…

    • Barbara_i

      Cash for spunkers? Let's make it tax deducatable too.

  • Natl_Indecency_Cmdr

    Also on Repub's agenda:

    "Murder" is no longer considered a crime if the victim (nka "murderee") was a liberal, communist, or had teh ghey;

    "Robbery" is no longer a crime as long as the things stolen were just sitting there and no one was using them. see also: "finders keepers"

    "Arson" is no longer a crime as long as the building burned was a Planned Parenthood, Democrat's campaign office/home/Governor's mansion, or a Starbucks.

    • mereoblivion

      Oh go on, you might as well start equating the present-day US of A with Weimar Germany! As if, we buy, I'm sure, etc.

  • Wilcoxyz

    Libtards! It's not just a human life that starts at conception, it's a deduction!

    Aborting a fetus is like raising your taxes.

    Does not being raped sound like good tax policy to you?

  • Madam Killjoy

    These are the same assholes who are obsessed with rapey language when talking about policy: they're shoving this down our throats! or taxes: better bend over for Nobama! Yes, having to pay extra taxes is JUST LIKE being sexually violated.

  • mourningnmerica

    Today, we are all Jodie Foster.

    • CalamityJames

      To quote the great Tori Amos (back when she was still great) – "It was me, and a gun."

  • frostbitefalls

    The only appropriate response to this involves no lube.

  • user-of-owls

    Democrats = DREAM Act
    Republicans = NIGHTMARE Act

  • dinkybossetti

    I'm confused about how victims will prove what type of rape they experienced. Will rapists be handing out certificates now, indicating whether the rape was "forcible" or merely of the "I drugged her until she had no idea what was going on" variety, so their victims will have something to take with them to the clinic?

  • Tundra Grifter

    I didn't know "rape" required a qualifier such as "forcible."

    I always thought it was horrible and ugly enough on its own. There is too much risk that the modifier will become an excuse.

  • JustPixelz

    Hint to Repubicans. Don't put any earmarks in the "Repeal the Job-Killing Abortion for Rape Enjoyers Act" or Obama will veto it.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Abortion news is usually the time where I quote the GOP's small government talking points back to them, but I'm not in the mood today, so all they're getting from me is a "Fuck you, assholes."

  • Redhead

    According to RAINN, 73% of rape/sexual assault victims knew their attacker. These twat-waffles aren't just cock-sucking douche-nozzles – they know what they're doing. Eliminating date rape, some cases of incest, statutory rape, rape involving alcohol and/or drugs, etc, essentially eliminates most rape, since the vast majority fall under one of these categories. Forcible rape by a stranger in a dark alley is very very VERY rare – which is exactly what these guys want – abortion only in the rarest cases.

    And I'm sure they're all guys, too. Because being raped isn't enough of a violation of one's body, it isn't enough of a slap in the face to say no and to make a decision and have it utterly and completely disregarded, these cock-suckers want to do it again.

    No rape victim is going to arrive at that decision easily. Laying on the examine table, stripped naked from the waist down, with your legs up in the air while doctors (usually ones you don't know, since it has to be done at a clinic because most doctors aren't willing or legally can't do it) stick shit up inside you and you have to lay there and not move and in many places you can't bring your support people back with you because the doctors "want to be sure this is your decision and no one is forcing you." Yes, that is EXACTLY what most rape victims want to go through. That sounds like the icing on the cake.

    So I am just SO glad that these asshats want to take YET ANOTHER choice away from these women and YET AGAIN that no matter what they say and how they say it, it doesn't matter, because ultimately men have more say over their bodies than they do. Instead they should be forced the carry a CONSTANT reminder of the man that did that to them, be forced to think of it every time the baby kicks, just in case they weren't feeling enough shame and guilt and confusion as it was, the Repugnicant shitholes want to make SURE they feel at fault for it. Just FABULOUS.

    And Guess who's going to be FIRST to complain about spending government money to raise the child because the daddy is (guess what) a rapist! and the mom is too traumatized to raise the child that is the product of her rape.

    Shit like this just makes me hate people. I know this isn't something they ever have to worry about thanks to the whole preferring little 13-year-old boys deal, but jesus fucking christ.

    • CalamityJames

      I would like to propose a Wonkette-sponsored full page ad in every major newspaper in this stupid fucking country that contains the above comment. If there's still room on the page, go ahead and include the names of every senator's and representative's female relatives, followed by the phrase "How yoo durin'?"

  • salt_bagel

    Spare the rape, spoil the child.

  • DoktorZoom

    Anyone remember back in 1991 when it was scandalous that a Michigan judge said he thought that the only time abortion should be allowed is when a white woman is raped by a black man? Today, I suppose that instead of being censured, he'd be named to a Republican platform committee…

  • CalamityJames

    rape    
    [reyp]
    noun, verb, raped, rap·ing.
    –noun
    1.
    an act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person.
    2.
    the unlawful compelling of a person through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse.
    3.
    statutory rape.
    4.
    an act of plunder, violent seizure, or abuse; despoliation; violation: the rape of the countryside.
    5.
    Archaic . the act of seizing and carrying off by force.
    –verb (used with object)
    6.
    to force to have sexual intercourse.
    7.
    to plunder (a place); despoil.
    8.
    to seize, take, or carry off by force.

    Courtesy of Dictionary.com.

    Huh, sez here that rape is one of dem forceful things. So, what is non-forcible rape?

    Somebody needs to let Sarah Palin know that this is what a WTF Moment looks like.

  • ttommyunger

    Nice to see the Repugs are carrying out the mandate given them by the vast majority of Americans. Who needs a job, anyway?

  • Negropolis

    These fuckers are sick. This is the definition of moral deficiency. How they have the nerve to call anyone a "godless liberal" is beyond me. These bastards are insane; insane in the membrane.

    It'd be one thing to demand the peelback of all abortion on an ideological footing, but to get down into the mud of dividing out types of rape is just vile.

  • ms_mcgee

    It's really pretty simple. Just don't work for the Feds if you plan on getting raped.

  • Back in my day there was only one way to get raped. We called it, "Rape."

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