trippin'

Washington U. In St. Louis Throws Bristol Palin To Curb

Life skills.After receiving criticism for approving funding to pay Bristol Palin tens of thousands of dollars to speak there, Washington University in St. Louis has finally bowed to pressure after realizing it is, in fact, a real school. The group responsible for hiring Bristol put out a statement stating that they talked to her and jointly decided “the message that they intended on sharing would be overshadowed by controversy.” Haha, yes, that sounds exactly like Bristol. That family always turns down money. Anyway, “Wash U” is now officially an evil lamestream institution. This elitist university is literally trying to abort Bristol’s child by denying her $20k for sitting on a panel for a half hour, money that she needs in order to feed that kid.

A Facebook petition to compel the school to nix Palin’s appearance had hundreds of signatures Thursday evening. “It’s not necessarily in opposition to the ideas that are being presented,” explained Philip Thomas, the Washington U. student who initiated the petition.”People are getting so angry because of the opposition to Palin’s lack of expertise and the high cost she is charging,” especially in light of budget cuts that have adversely affected other student activities, he said.

Try explaining that to your parents, Philip, when you and every other student on campus gets pregnant because Bristol wasn’t around to teach you how babies are made. SHE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS! THAT’S WHY SHE’S SO EXPENSIVE!

Meanwhile, your editor apologizes to the students and alumni of Washington University for criticizing them. Here’s an e-mail he received yesterday:

Hey big dog,

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You do realize that WashU ranks higher than your Georgetown right (this was also true when you were applying to Georgetown in 2005, and really come up with something more original than calling the rankings dumb)? I understand that you’re a little pissed off because your English degree from such a great school couldn’t land you anything better than Wonkette, but please find a better reason to shit on WashU than the name next time.

Also, there is no relation between a tuition increase and the amount being paid to Bristol Palin. Speakers are paid for out of the “student activities fee” totally separate from tuition and is controlled by a few dumbass students on treasury who were talked into funding her. I get that you’re trying your darndest to be funny but not fact checking really isn’t going to get you that promotion even at Wonkette.

p.s. I’m emailing you anonymously because you have a little power more power to fuck with me since you’re a “columnist” or “writer” or something. All I can do is send you sarcastic little emails.

Your editor should not have offended those who are above his station according to the arbiter of all things, college rankings. And to correct ourselves: Apparently that school’s speaker budget comes from an extra fee that is on top of the $40,000 in tuition this school is already making its students pay. We regret these errors. [STLtoday]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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182 comments

  1. Oblios_Cap

    I’m emailing you anonymously because you have a little power more power to fuck with me since you’re a “columnist” or “writer” or something. All I can do is send you sarcastic little emails.

    The Egyptians could take lessons from this guy!

      1. OneDollarJuana

        I like how the writer first points how lame Jack is because the only jerb he could land is at silly Wonkette, then cowers in the face of Jack's "little power more power".

  2. horsedreamer_1

    Instead, Bristol will make use of her already-booked flight to Logan Airport to schedule appearances at East St. Louis's finest strip-clubs.

    #whitegirlwithblackgirlbooty

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Oh, shit, you're right.

        I knew it was an initial ELL, &, well, I continue to deny the existence of Boston… So, I went with the first ELLport I could remember. I was wrong.

        1. Clancy_Pants

          Unfortunately I get to fly through St. Louis a few times a year. Did love George Clooney's speech about Lambert field's history in "Up in the Air". Sounds like I need to check out East St. Louis next time.

    1. walterhwhite

      Logan? Are you not aware that Bristol is not allowed to fly into Boston? To do so would put her in jeopardy of a serious case of whoop-ass.

  3. Barbara_i

    We should change her name from "Bristol" to "Hump Me Dump Me." No one wants her to stay around. One less twat for sex week.

  4. Crank_Tango

    Fact checking? At Wonkette? If I find there has been fact checking going on, I will write a sternly worded letter to the publisher and cancel my subscription, effective immediately.

    Also, what does everyone make of the david brent cameo last night? is he gonna replace michael? Please, please, please, please, please!

    1. Jerri

      Yes, and then if he murders and/or fires Pam & Jim we'll be half-way back to a vaguely watchable sitcom!

      (That 60 seconds of David Brent was the most I've enjoyed the American Office in several seasons.)

  5. ManchuCandidate

    If I were a student or a his/her fun funder aka parental unit had to deal with a tuition hike and service cuts to a non-scam institute of higher larning AND some idiot paid big bucks for Bristol, I'd be pissed, too. Way pissed.

    As for higher rated…well, until now never heard of Wassamatta U outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons.

    1. spinozasgod

      Whatsamatta U. is in lovely Frostbite Falls Minnesota and is the alma mater of Rocket J Squirrel and Bullwinkle J Moose. A finer institution of higher learning has never existed…..

    2. BerkeleyBear

      As a graduate of a school that has slid from top 10 to top 30 in the last 20 years (yet still the highest ranked public school) I can say the system is fundamentally stupid. Having a lot of money, nice facilities and a low parent teacher ratio (which is easier to do when you charge 40k a year) matters as much or more than academic reputation, selectivity, caliber of instruction/instructors, the metrics of the incoming class, or how well the degree actually travels. Because I'm sorry to tell the anonymous a-hole, but no HR person in DC or NY is consulting the rankings and saying "Wow! I want to hire more WU grads and kick all those Georgetown douchebags to the curb."

      All that said, WU has a decent (not great) reputation in the midwest and has a couple really good programs (including one on healthcare law).

      1. HuddledMass

        "… a low parent teacher ratio ?" That's good, because a parent that shelled out 40K needs ego-massaging attention from their kid's teachers.

        Wait, that's not what you meant?

    3. Zvi_Bleindmeis

      My kid brother used to work for US News, and would talk about how much schools would contort their operations and data reporting in order to budge up the college rankings a notch or two.

      All of that notwithstanding, I understand that Washington University of St. Louis is considered by some to be the Rutgers of the Midwest.

  6. DashboardBuddha

    "but please find a better reason to shit on WashU than the name next time. "

    What better reason to shit on a school than being stupid enough to give Bristol Fucking Palin money to opine on teenage pregnancy? Seriously, the young lady doesn't have the skills to be a Walmart greeter.

  7. Gratuitous World

    Hey Big Dog, maybe these smart kids could beneifts from adjunct Professor Palin's course in "Communications .001 – Media-whoring for slut dollars" or "Cultural Studies (-)102: Alaskan Trashocity"

    1. JustPixelz

      Or her American History class — or "Her"-story as those feminizers like to put it. But in Palin's case it really is all about her.

  8. ultraducharme

    There are some inviolable rules of intellectual conduct here in St Louis, assumptions to which you must stipulate:
    1. "Provel" is not a toxic byproduct of local biotechnology plants, but cheese.
    2. WashU is an Ivy League school, famous throughout the world despite the fact that nobody beyond 200 miles of St Louis has heard of it.
    3. St Louis is a "nice, prosperous, family-friendly place to live" despite being surrounded by favelas that would terrify people from Sao Paolo.

    Wonkette is hereby disinvited from Cardinals games and will be banned from all shrines to Mark McGuire and Albert Pujols.

    1. PubOption

      The only shrine to Mark McGuire was the highway to the airport. The Mark McGuire Highway signs have now been taken down, and the road has been turned into a speed trap, rather suggesting that the local police can't tell amphetamines from steroids.

    2. Paul2346

      Meanwhile, Bristol has accepted an invitation to speak at the University of Chicago, a large public school full of adult virgins, South Side crack whores, and socially-inept teabaggers.

    3. zhubajie

      Does it still have the best h*rl*ts in the National League? Maybe Bristol P. can give them a pep talk or two!

  9. LiveToServeYa

    It's true! Editors have always been worth only 3/5 of an actual person. They only hold power because writers are worth about a half. Pity. As to Bristol Palin, I suppose the school will now have to take the time and money to locate another unwed mother. Such a pain!

  10. DeeJayKitteh

    For the sake of the students at WashU, I'm happy. For the sake of comedy, I'm really, really sad.

    1. Barbara_i

      There went their opportunity to set up a photo booth and sell "I'm with Stupid" t-shirts and allow people to have their photo taken with Bristol.

  11. SorosBot

    Is the nickname "Wash U" because most of the students don't bathe regularly, and some people are trying to change that?

  12. freakishlywrong

    Flamewar. Facebook. Dissenters will be called fags. All Palins on deck for this grievous insult. Mama Grizzly is probably already reloading.
    McMansions in Arizona don't pay for themselves, people.

    1. the_onceler

      my sister lives in the same shithole that bristol palin bought her house in. her house is probably already worth less than it was when she bought it.

    1. genxr

      And the only job you could get is posting comments on wonkette. Whash U students are filing patents for their perpetual motion machine, and writing a thesis on how to achieve world peace through interpretive dance.

      So find a better reason to shit on Wash U. I bet you can't. Because let's face it, paying Bristol Palin twenty large to talk about sex is going to be hard to top.

        1. finallyhappy

          I definitely think Cornell is better than Wash U. My daughter knew Cornell would never take her but Wash U was enough of a chance that she applied and then withdrew her app when she got into her first choice college. And I do love moosewood- and nothing about St. Louis

  13. hagajim

    I’m emailing you anonymously because you have a little power more power to fuck with me

    Which means: I’m emailing you anonymously because I'm a big pussy and I don't want you all making fun of me….psssshhhh!

  14. Oblios_Cap

    It's in St. Lous? They're so stupid at Wash U. that they don't even know what state they're in!

    It doesn't hold a candle to Wossamotta U.

  15. ultraducharme

    Good criminy, I just looked up the Morans guy, and sure enough, Cards game. I think we're going to move the family to Arkansas for the intellectual clarity.

    I forgot rule 4 here: A Cards t-shirt, khakis, and sneakers are appropriate attire for weddings and funerals within St Louis County.

    1. genxr

      You can help! Donate now. Forget the canned goods, she needs the following supplies:

      Sudafed
      Red devil lye
      Kerosene
      Matches
      Assorted cookware (beakers, boiling flasks, etc)

    2. zhubajie

      She's still hauling Tripp around with her? I thought she'd abandoned the kid with her almost in-laws!

    1. PsycWench

      I had the same question…they were going to pay her all those thousands of dollars for some message that god forbid is going to be derailed by controversy, but no one seems to know what this message was?

      1. PuckStopsHere

        That if you put the book down and stop studying for 20 goddamn minutes you might get a prick stuck in you sometime.

    2. gef05

      It was either a brief discussion of the field of political science, focusing on the tension that exists between… ah fuck it, her favourite lube.

  16. mereoblivion

    What with Bristol and curb in the same headline I was going to make yet another reference to The Bristol Stomp but I hate violence.

  17. user-of-owls

    " denying her the $20k to sit on a panel for a half hour that she needs in order to feed that kid."

    She bought her a townhouse and took LaMaze courses,
    Each meal she ate was a dozen courses;
    She had a million dollars worth of nickels and dimes,
    And she sat around and counted them all a billion times.

  18. undeterredbyreality

    Snark off: The only possible reason Palin was invited in the first place was her name, not her expertise. She still has that, right? So are you telling me they aren't going to pay her for the rental of that famous name, which will draw great crowds of the truly ignorant who really do need someone like Bristol to tell them how not to get pregnant. And, while there, they could possibly be exposed to new ideas from Planned Parenthood and really learn something, right?

    By the way, did anybody tape 30 Rock last night? I hear Tracy Morgan really did a funny skit about Ms. Palin, Sr. I'll send you a blank tape for a copy of that.

    Thanks very much.

    (Okay, maybe the "snark off" switch doesn't work. I tried.)

    1. chickensmack

      Nice idea. Great concept.

      It's Bristol Goddamn Palin! She's an incontrovertible controversy for her mother because she had sex with someone. Other than Track and Trigg, she's notable for her baby, and the toad of a boyfriend that helped her make it.

      Otherwise, it's slightly unethical to get paid for fucking.

    2. natoslug

      I'd slap you if I could figure out how to get my hand into the computer without getting electrocuted. You do know that your porn machine provides more than just porn, right? http://www.nbc.com/30-rock/video/operation-righte
      (assuming they're not on a 7 or 8 day delay — I'd check, but I have to go do some mid-morning research over at youporn).

      1. undeterredbyreality

        I think you just reach through that long series of tubes. I'll be sitting here waiting expectantly.

  19. drrty_martini

    Fuck school rankings. This English major is beside himself with the construction of the postscript. Scare quotes? Is that what they're teaching the kids these days?

  20. not that Dewey

    Haha, yes, that sounds exactly like Bristol. That family always turns down money

    And controversy.

  21. baconzgood

    I wish my edumacation smart makin' place was as good as a college that would hire Bristol Palin….Sadly, I only went to Carnegie Mellon University.

    1. Oblios_Cap

      I'm merely the product of the State University System here in America's Dinghus™ (Go Noles!), so I'm a wretchedly inferior college graduate – and I'm still paying for my degrees.

    2. Ruhe

      Woah! Alma Mater smack! Does it get any better than this? All yall eggheads overpaid! University of Phoenix or GTFO!

        1. Ruhe

          Drop us a note when you can safely hand that job off to someone less qualified. We'll know the economy is back when all the B.A.'s desert Starbucks and Subway.

    1. problemwithcaring

      GWU reppin'! We earned our way onto that US News list the old-fashioned way – through exaggerations and bribes.

      1. finallyhappy

        I went to grad school at GWU- I didn't even know they had a team(Colonials??) until my niece went there for undergrad. Plus I went there when you didn't have to mortgage your future life for tuition. And no, Prez George Washington was not still around when I attended.

    1. SorosBot

      When I went to the U of C, we made that list – #300, dead last. Didn't stop us from partying though.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        At first, I thought you said UDC, & I was stoked. Finally, to meet a proud alumnus of the District's flagship campus.

  22. user-of-owls

    If they wait for a bit, they could probably get Zsa Zsa's corpse for even less money. Plus it would be an upgrade intelligence-wise.

    1. genxr

      Haha! That's awesome. On top of the $20k Bristol decision, add to that, "Hey there's Tracy Morgan. Let's get his unscripted comments on live TV. What could go wrong?"

      1. Ruhe

        I would have thought he'd earned his own post on Wonkette today since his comments were crude yet insightful. I mean, isn't this where Sarah gained her initial taste of fame as the nation's first GILF?

    1. horsedreamer_1

      When private school kids stop being polite & start being real retarded. Georgetown vs. Washington. Be there.

  23. spinozasgod

    Nothing says "fine institution of higher learning" like paying a creationist, "promise keeper" unwed teen mother, high school dropout, media hound $20,000 to sit at a table. I am making my college tour appointment for my daughter right now!

  24. sportshort

    Andy Warhol would be so proud of Bristol. Hell, he'd have mass produced portraits of the whole damn family by now.

    And oh shit, I've lost a brownie point! Hand me my razor!

  25. superdave

    Seriously. Who's ever heard of WUSTL. They are the classic example of gaming the system to climb the rankings.

  26. WhatTheHeck

    Students of Wash U, here's how not to get pregnant…
    when you are in the mood for sexytime and your sexual organs start to over-ride normal brain functions, turn on a recording of Sarah Palin's speeches and viola, math becomes more exciting than all that intimate wrestling.

    Now where's my money?

    1. bflrtsplk

      Hey give Bristol Pee a break! Her 15 minutes are almost up. Of course, when they invent Palintology to study the newest endangered species, Mama Grizzly will sue for royalties.

  27. genxr

    Not to worry, students can sign up for her night class, "How to regain your virginity after childbirth" in the learning annex.

  28. SheriffRoscoe

    Hey big dog anonymous email writer, the unavoidable fact of the matter is that someone at your school thought hiring Bristol Palin, at great expense (whether through tuition money or student fees…..I don't give a goddam), was a smart idea. No one at Georgetown thought to do that. You just gotta suck it, bitch.

  29. jus_wonderin

    I know this next statement is nothing new, but…how will Sarah be the victim of this reversal???

  30. BerkeleyBear

    LaRussa claimed he didn't want it to be a political thing, but he didn't cancel. He's done some very decent things in his life (heavily supported a no-kill animal rescue project and the local ballet company when he was in Oakland) so buying him as a ful throated Teabagger is a stretch.

  31. Paul2346

    Meanwhile, Bristol has accepted an invitation to speak at the University of Chicago, a large public school full of adult virgins, South Side crack whores, and socially inept teabaggers.

  32. Zombie_Reagan

    Washington U (in the armpit of St. Louis, no less) is a better school than Georgetown?

    I laughed.

    1. Paul2346

      Georgetown is a Jesuit safety school for those half-wits who couldn’t get into Wash U or Johns Hopkins.

  33. BaldarTFlagass

    Jammed up in meetings and don't have time to read the first 130 comments, so forgive if someone has already mentioned this, but is this guy maybe a Wonkette poster?

  34. Eve8Apples

    In celebration of sexy week, would Wash U. please take the money that was set aside for the Wasilla grifter and simply buy some birth control for the students? It would be much more effective preventing unwanted pregnancies than panel speakers.

  35. OneYieldRegular

    For a $20,000 lesson in teen pregnancy, I think there would be a hell of a lot more value to having Margaret Sanger's corpse exhumed and propped up in a chair on stage.

  36. Ducandy

    Foolish, fat-fuck, full-of-herself, fundraisng, fundie, fat-assed, fart-smelling, freedom-fry eating, floozie.

    Meh.

  37. prommie

    "You are a pathetic loser, but I am writing anonymously because I fear your power." OK. That must be some of that there Wash. U. logic. And look, he knows how to use teh googler to find out when you applied to Georgetown, thats so amazingly impressive, as well.

  38. walterhwhite

    Hey, I know nothing about a lot of stuff. How come nobody's trying to pay me $20K to impart my ignorance to others?

  39. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    remember a REAL Presidenti­al Debate: 11 October 1992
    The Harvard of the Midwest
    Washington University 81

  40. Paul2346

    If you don’t like US News, try the Academic Ranking of World Universities: Wash U 30, Georgetown 301-400.

  41. mourningnmerica

    I, too, am becoming increasingly fearful that Wonkette will punish me for comments I have made.

  42. bflrtsplk

    And California University in Pennsylvania. Maybe the good people of the Keystone Kops state should learn to read a map.

  43. Redhead

    Psst anonymous little dog sad commentator: sarcasm. I don't think this word means what you think it means…

    1. Come here a minute

      Thanks for pointing that out; now I get the point. If you read the email in a sarcastic tone, you see that the emailer realizes that the US News rankings are worthless, and Jack was absolutely right to mock Washingmachine U.

  44. umm_huh

    I would like to nominate my sister-in-law's youngest sister to take Bristol's place. She had two kids before the age of 19 because she and her boyfriend practiced abstinence. She also contracted an STD because her boyfriend practiced abstinence with a bunch of other girls. They practiced abstinence a lot, they just never actually accomplished it.

    And, bonus, she would probably do it for $50, some Mountain Dew, and the cost of a Greyhound ticket from Kansas City.

  45. NorthStarSpanx

    Somehow I don't think so. They must of paid him buco bucks to 'come on' to that bucket of lard dressed as a goth Mothra.

  46. Wilcoxyz

    They could spend $17,500 on T-shirts:

    Wash U: the Harvard of douchery.

    Because reminding people of college rankings is the best way to avoid the validity of an opposing argument.

  47. doxastic

    "but please find a better reason to shit on WashU than the name next time. "

    Why do we need to find one when it is so clearly staring us in the face?

  48. Jukesgrrl

    It also might fall in the rankings now that US News knows what Washington is doing with its "activities fee."

  49. DemonicRage

    I wept when I read the part in the e mail message about how you, Wonkette Editor, should feel ashamed because you are an English major graduate of a prestigious, Ivy League College, and "the best you could do" was land a job at Wonkette. Hell, in this economy, what else is there to shoot for? Providing handjobs at a Wasalla, Alaska abandoned lot next to a Meth distribution center? Remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said about how no one can make you feel ashamed unless you play along with them.

  50. Gay Mexican Intern

    Yeah, that email is totally not getting me off of this idea that intelligence and/or positive personality traits (not being a douche) actually go down the more "elite" a school is.

  51. babyeinstein

    "a little power more power" sounds like the palin family mantra.

    wait a second…tripp? is that you?

  52. mumbly_joe

    For the record, I still stand behind my earlier claims that I went to a better school than Wash U. Unfortunately, USNaWR forks "liberal arts colleges" and "universities", so there's no way to compare them directly by The Only Metric By Which We're Allowed To Compare Colleges.

    On the other hand, I can tell you that anybody who cares about "the rankings" once they're actually in college, let alone once they've graduated, probably does not go to a school that actually deserves its spot in said "the rankings". Come on, this is almost as embarrassing as being in college and bragging about your scores on the SATs.

  53. OneDollarJuana

    I was a student once, and just as now, our student activities usually involved intoxicants and sex. Hence the sex week at WashU. We didn't have to pay student activity fees for our fun, though.

  54. Ruhe

    A good point. I hate to see an entire University community get lit up just because of the actions of a few idiots. If that sort of judgment is valid then we're all going to burn for W's sins.

  55. Refudiation

    Of course, the inference I draw from that is a majority of the students who voted in the elections voted in the folks that thought paying Bristol to ponitificate seemed like a good plan.

Comments are closed.