About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


    1. PsycWench

      I was thinking more that she's practicing the urination-while-standing position. You never know when you might pick up some extra money that way.

    1. petehammer

      You sir, owe royalties to Sir Phillip Collins.

      Oh! Think twice! It's just another day in the repubnik of fucktardidice.

  1. bureaucrap

    "Ava" is a gif of a doll. The only person they could find that actually was willing to appear on camera on the TP's behalf.

  2. OneDollarJuana

    "Ava's" random,slightly spasmodic movements remind me of Joe Cocker, except not interesting.

    1. HedonismBot

      Katie Sagal is a liberal Democrat! In 2008, I did a little volunteering for Hopey in 2008 in Billings Montana (talk about hostile territory.) And the coordinator told me that Katie Sagal would be there a couple weeks later to do some door-to-door work. I missed that day, and I was kind of kicking myself for it. I had wanted to bring my Futurama DVD for an autograph.

  3. DDDintensified

    Let's make her look like a Michele Bachmann marionette, but with Claude Rains' nose from "The Invisible Man."

  4. CrunchyKnee

    "This is the kind of inovation (sic) this country used to have."

    Yep, Rev BJ, our country was founded on shitty pixelated cartoons.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Hey, CrunchyKnee! Those shitty pixelated cartoons spent their whole lives fighting against slavery!

  5. Boredw/Gravity

    From the comments in the guestbook, it appears that the same spelling and grammer issues we have come to identify with teabaggers are alive and well.

  6. YasserArraFeck

    What. The. Fuck.
    Does Ava have some sort of embarrassing "feminine itch" issue? She can't seem to stand still. Couldn't they at least have programmed in the occasional crotch-scratch, so the poor wench could get some relief?

    1. Rotundo_

      At first I considered that possibility, but the idea that it was a remote controlled device seems so much more diginified: Don't they make an autodiddler? Remote control butterfly or something?

  7. doxastic

    This is the kind of inovation this country used to have
    Tea Party: The brightest future is in the past!

    1. weejee

      They seem to see 20/20 through rose-colored glasses. In terms of acres, most of Redstatesyvania, including Michele's Minnesota, was obtained through the Louisiana Purchase, about which the Federalists howled and howled about out-of-control spending and debt and how Jefferson was constitutionally way out-of-bounds. Here's hoping that the Teatards enjoy the same organizational success as the Federalists.

      1. mumbly_joe

        Maybe we can return it to France, for a refund, or at least, store credit? Everybody wins: the Teatards get to make us return to an idiot's fantasy version of "Constitutional Government", and we get to get rid of teatards by sending them to the country where they'd be the most miserable (well, except for France's brown-people-hating, of course).

  8. nounverb911

    What is it with teabaggers? None of them seem to be able to look at cameras. Are they afraid it will steal their souls or something?

    1. Tundra Grifter

      You beat me to it! When our kids were small, if either of them swayed back and forth like that we'd be heading for the bathroom immediately!

      1. Gleem_McShineys

        I think ACME closed up its domestic operations and is now solely providing such things (especially their line of road-based explosives) to the desert dwellers in Iraq and Afghanistan.

  9. OneYieldRegular

    Well, her eyes move more than Michelle Bachmann's, so that's a point in this video's favor.

  10. aguacatero

    This does not begin to approach Fox News in crazy quotient. Its Tea Party bona fides are in serious question:

    1. The voice is that of an African-American, yet all three of the Tea Party's AA members have alibis.
    2. There is no hatred for Obama worthy of the TP brand, and several points in his speech are actually praised
    3. While stupid, it possesses hints of empiricism and respect for democratic deliberation — not TP style.
    4. The swaying figure is inexplicable.

    1. gvvt

      The ava-tard was crafted by an African-American woman who seems to teach ethics, of all things, at New Brunswick Theological Seminary.

  11. SayItWithWookies

    Bad news — Ava's been exposed as a liberal plant and has been fired after eviscerating Sarah Palin with a series of gotcha questions about what a moose is and how its meat is cooked.

  12. LionelHutzEsq

    Finally, a way to get information for people who think that FOX News is not biased enough, but don't want to visit Townhall, Redstate, Drudge, Stormfront or Newsmax.

  13. metamarcisf

    Well, shoot! It says my comment "may need to be approved before it is displayed" on that there guestbook thang.

    1. jus_wonderin

      Guys, Ava is the admin. She has to come down first before she can approve your comments. And from the looks of it, she will be sleeping in until 3 tomorrow afternoon.

    1. jus_wonderin

      Don't do it. After the election she will turn out to be a GIF in JPG clothing just like all the others!!!!

  14. Tundra Grifter

    I found Ava to be more lifelike than either Michele Bachmann or Sarah "Duh Gov'Nuh" Palin.

    Overall, however, that's the worst annimation I've seen since "Johnny Quest."

          1. SheriffRoscoe

            The payoff comes at the end of the clip, amirite? Also, it helps to know some of the gay yutes to understand their unique culture.

  15. ifthethunderdontgetya

    Besides being complete morons with no grounding in history or science, the bagger bit about being "non-partisan" always cracks me up.

    90% or more of these clowns voted for G. W. Bush twice. After that epic debacle, they burned their uniforms, put on their funny hats, and doubled down on the same lame shit.

    1. GOPCrusher

      They adopted the term "non-partisan" to deflect the racism charges that they were getting from showing up at rallies with signs depicting Obama as an African Witch Doctor or "LYNCH THE N*GGER!" on them.
      It's kind of like Steve King and his "urban" term.

  16. mrblifil

    I came for the ca. 1998-style 3d animation production values. I stayed for the lip-synching work. The attention to detail was really there. Top drawer all around. Unfortunately the camera bobbing back and forth as if it was attached to the Sword of Damocles made me motion sick and I yurped. But I was loving freedom as I did it.

  17. CapnFatback

    I liked Ava better when she was voicing Disney's Song of the South on record back in the '70s.

  18. EdFlintstone

    Cartoon news for people whose understanding of politics and history ended in the fifth grade. It makes perfect sense.

  19. LiveToServeYa

    Anybody remember Max Headroom? He was a 'virtual person' like this, only in the past and much better. This proves that the future is the past, only with more poop.

    1. baconzgood

      How could remember Max Headroom? That show was on for like 1/2 a season. And yes I was one of the 6 people who watched it. Now if I can only find the other 4.

      1. genxr

        Max Hedroom made most of his money from product endorsements. Oh and he was President from '81 to '89.

      2. thebeatgoeson08

        I watched at least some of it! I like Matt Frewer. I even liked his short-lived sitcom "Doctor Doctor" – I liked his comedic delivery.

  20. SmutBoffin

    But will there be news reports about how everything, everywhere, everywhen is UNCONTITUTIONAL, except for child labor and gold?

  21. WhatTheHeck

    They would have been better off using Pinocchio to read the news. He would have moved more smoothly, but reading the Tea Party news would have made his nose grow out of the camera frame.

  22. Ducksworthy

    Who here believes that the voice is actually that of an Urban American? Is sounds more like a poor mockery by someone who does not routinely communicate with Urban Persons.

    1. DoktorZoom

      It's somewhere between a fairly good text-to-speech program and a very heavily dosing voiceover actor who really needed the work.

  23. lochnessmonster

    Why am I not surprised they are busty women who sort of look like Sarah Mama Grizzly Bear Lipstick on a Pitbull Palin?

  24. indecencycmdr

    why is this a thing? and why did wonkette share it? you know, herpes is a thing, too. doesn't mean you should share it w/ everybody.

  25. lulzmonger

    The first video cured me of any desire to see the second one.
    An avatar with untreated tardive dyskenesia, doing its best Shaneequa vox, saying, well, not much.

    Now THAT's change we can believe in, my friends!

  26. Crank_Tango

    Mike said: January 27th, 2011 1:17 pm
    Great work! These TEA PARTY NEWS BRIEFS really fit me. Nice and snug, and no LEAKS, LIBERALS!!!

  27. HedonismBot

    If teabaggers are anything, it is non-partisan. All the politicians they support just happen to be Repbulicans. And white, at least on the inside.

  28. metamarcisf

    Evan Warren said: January 27th, 2011 2:30 pm
    This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, only tru Patriots need apply.

    How come they won't print my Krauthammer joke?

  29. x111e7thst

    Ava dear, have something to eat, maybe a sandwich or a piece of cake. You might stop shaking and twitching like that.

    1. glamourdammerung

      Never forget who the real victims in this tragedy about a murdered nine year old and her family is.

      The teabaggers and Sarah Palin.

    2. Bluestatelibel

      Pre-teen girls are apparently a clear and present danger to this country according to teabaggers.

    3. Madam Killjoy

      She shot a child in the head, in cold blood, while she pleaded for her life. Fucking monster. But, yeah, let's not worry about hateful rhetoric and the uptick of extremism on the right. It might hurt their fucking feelings should we point out the number of murders committed by domestic (but white!) terrorists over the last two years. And most of their victims are cops.

    1. jus_wonderin

      Make sure you give to your local NPR affiliate…first. You could give online, but you might want to avail yourself of the opportunity to tramatize a membersihip volunteer.

  30. owhatever

    Ava must quit using those big words if she hopes to run for Congress as a viable Tea Party candidate. At present, she is only polling 30 percent.

  31. Limeylizzie

    OT But, stop me if you have heard this, Rahm has been cleared to run for Mayor by the Illinois Supreme Court!

  32. eatingraoul

    Okkaay. Briefs not boxers…..Whitey Tighty Teabaggers again prove that they are on the cutting edge. I mean what is next? Swallowing Goldfish?? Piling into Phone Booths? Racoon Coats?

  33. Radiotherapy

    In the not too distant future,
    I can imagine Wonkbot TSA-1138 and Ava having their own CNN teevee show:
    Wonker and Schitzer?

  34. Dr_pangloss

    Good News Everyone! Morons have figured out teh Internets!

    Question to the mannequin with Parkensin's: "Why does the Tea Party oppose immigration reform?"

  35. glamourdammerung

    I eagerly await their hard-hitting piece on Representative Paul Ryan's death pan–er "privatization" of Medicare proposal.

  36. user-of-owls

    "I'm User-of-Owls and I have a fragile ego."

    Hi User

    "It's been minutes since I checked my P, but I'm still emotionally crushed by the fact that even though I've faithfully devoted myself to Wonkette, and Wonkette alone, since the day long ago Yellow Editor (Lat) responded to me, I am lagging and even dropping in the esteem of my fellows."

    What do you mean, User?

    "Long time and well respected commenters are saddled with embarrassingly low p scores, while relative newcomers with ill-phrased, derivative and/or simply dull comments have been lavished with pee. It's just demoralizing."

    So, User, you're just a whiny baby?

    "No! Well, I mean…Sure, ok"

  37. Nopantsmcgee

    Did George Romero direct this? ? With the swaying and the dark around her eyes she looks hungry for brains.

    I know, I know…..too easy.

  38. ttommyunger

    Can't wait for Rush "Jabber the Gut" Limbaugh to laugh her to scorn for exaggerating her palsy just to get sympathy. BTW, she looks a lot like Ben "Mr. Potatoe Head" Quayle in drag, coincidence? I think not.

  39. dogscantlookup

    In the non partisan anti sky pirates capitalistic pig-dog news;
    Here's Tom with the weather.

  40. Lost_Teabaggers

    Hey I thought Glenn Beck was the yea olde teabagger action news man what with him being so nonpartisan and all. I mean his SOU coverage amounted to raping a bunny while weeping about "5 pilars of faith" or something….I mean in the teabagger world, THAT IS THEIR NEWS.

    1. Negropolis

      Hopefully, they'll depict it as a ball of vipers. Either that, or a badly cooked kettle of spaghetti.

  41. outragedcitizen

    Ok, my first impressions – WTF? Seriously, Ava looks like she has Parkinsons. She's is drawn looking like a middle eastern man in drag but she/he has a black woman's voice. The cadence of her speech is good though. She speaks like she is trying to educate a classroom full of slow 5 year olds which is about right for the Teabagger audience she/he's aimed at.

  42. SaintRond

    They gave her a black lady's voice, speaking in a fashion as though her audience were made up of three year olds. And what's with the continuous movement of her pelvis? She looks like she really, really has to pee.

  43. PsycWench

    My downstairs neighbor in 1992-94 was, among other things, a semi-professional dominatrix. It's a little amazing what men will pay a woman to do.

Comments are closed.