That tremendous waste of resources known as the “Homeland Security Advisory System,” a color-coded chart letting you know how many times you will be murdered by a terrorist today, is finally being phased out by the Obama administration. It’s a sad day for fear. That chart may look like the keys on a toddler’s xylophone, but it’s served honorably for a decade in the federal government, even if its job, like that of many federal employees, is pretty pointless. Let’s hope the terror alert chart gets a good government pension and finds a nice part-time defensive consulting gig somewhere. So the Obama administration has come to realize how pointless it was to spend everyone’s time and money on this sort of thing, right? No, they’re just making a new one.
The Obama administration will take the next three months to roll out a replacement, which will be called the National Terrorism Advisory System. The new plan calls for notifying specific audiences about specific threats. In some cases, it might be a one-page threat description sent to law enforcement officials describing the threat, what law enforcement needs to do about it and what the federal government is doing, one of the officials said.
You see, it was no longer scary enough for the color chart to tell people they were about to be blown up, because days and months and years went by without it happening — so people started to think it wasn’t going to happen. (They didn’t think this until right after they voted for Bush in 2004, of course.) The new tactic is to scare people by making them think they’re getting a letter especially for them. The letter will be signed by both Obama and the terrorist in question, so the recipient will think they definitely are getting murdered this time. But everyone in America will get this letter. And thus it will continue until the government decides they need a new way to scare us. [AP via Gawker]
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Too bad. That "Boehner in Charge" level was suddenly useful.
Yeah, but what good is a terror level warning if it's pegged on "Very Orange" no matter what the actual terror threat is?
TERROR!
Letter? As in, they think Americans are going to read these warnings? Oh no–the Americans who *can* read will just toss them straight into the recycling bin. May as well start ringing the death bells now…the terrorists have won…
That warning system was used only to protect the Bush administration from investigation. It's well past time to get rid of it.
They'll call it a National Security Letter, and won't let you tell anyone you got it.
It's kind of like the Publishers Clearing House check, except it doesn't come with a van and balloons. Also, instead of a surprising microphone shoved in your face, the National Security Letter usually announces its arrival with a very surprising latex-gloved fist shoved up your ass. For Freedom.
How will Juan Williams know his degree of fright regarding that little muslim girl when he flies?
I think they make color-change diapers for that.
Please, Muhammad, don't take away my obese white girlfriend, he'll beseech the attacker.
That goes for you, too, Jesús. All these Messicans ogling my white girlfriend, he'll add.
Finally getting rid of the Republican's election mood ring.
But will we be able to make the transition from colors to reading? Colors is easier.
It'll be like the Emergency Broadcast System we've had since the 1950s, only with less "tests" and more "omfg, your area is about to die."
Actually, that EBS has worked pretty well for us, receiving the odd warning about imminent flooding or very high winds. Not that we can DO anything about them, but it's nice to know what's gonna getcha, I guess.
Yes but for me EBS always beeps in with a lousy test during Jeopardy, when I'm finally going to find out which Babylonian ruler famously gave twenty goats to his lover's brother's cousin-twice-removed's enemy in 438 BCE. "Who is….." **BEEP** Fucking always happens man.
It was Bocephus.
I'm sorry Baldar…You HAVE to phrase the answer in the form of a question.
I can almost always produce mass panic by simply uttering the phrase, "this is a test."
Not sure it works as well in environments other than large section Intro course classrooms, but it sure as hell does in that setting.
I've always thought that the color-coded chart was a bit too close to the rainbow flag, but I was afraid to say so until now.
I didn't agree with the chart….Not that there was ANYTHING WRONG with it.
"The new plan calls for notifying specific audiences about specific threats."
Sarah Palin's Alaska fans: If you have any brains or souls this program will suck them out. In the unlikely event this applies to you, get on your scooter and RIDE AWAY FROM THE TEEVEE.
Wow! Now this is change I can believe in.
If it doesn't include a "Code Brown" for imminent destruction, then I'm not interested.
I think they should use a Sherwin-Williams fanchart. "Today, the Terror Alert level is…Perfect Greige with a 20 percent chance of Quietude, changing to partly Parakeet by evening."
Edit: Can I get Terror Alerts sent to my iPhone? Chase warns me when I am about to be overdrawn.
Jokes on them.
I only open envelopes that explicitly state that I "may already have won one million dollars!"
I have to say, this news has me a little blue.
Or, as we used to say, "guarded."
The colors are a little pointless, as they were developed before anybody anticipated the threat level where we're all wearing sheer body stockings at the airport and can't even bring our toothpaste on the plane. That and the fact that the only real terrorists who've done any damage in the last four years have been white male Christians might've hastened the colors' departure.
That would be the "flesh-color with a little brown-staining and red blush of embarrassment" warning level.
Well, hell. And just when I had collected enough ornaments to do a Homeland Security Advisory System-themed Christmas tree next year.
Don't throw them away. Just tell people you're dispaying the various threat levels of the war on Christmas.
But how else are we gonna know that the threat level is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS high?
Really. Three of the five colors were never ever used.
Yeah, hard to get too worked up when it never went below Yellow and routinely went to Orange around major holidays.
Now how will we know when Republicans really screw up if they can't raise the terror level to distract people? Great, next thing you know, the will stop giving the Medal of Freedom to people who screw up in the War on Terror.
Personally, I assume that Speaker Boehner pushed for this, because it was always at Orange Alert.
I do have to admit that I like the new system, where they simply give the percent change of terrorism for the day, like with rain. "It will be partially cloudy with a 35% chance of car bombs in Detroit today." Much more useful.
Getting captured is the new winning.
Someone has to say it. The Terror Alert color chart is soooo gay.
National Terrorism Advisory Letter:
Dear Sir or Ma'am,
We regret to inform you that you were exploded on the subway last month on or about 30th. Please fill out the enclosed forms for verification of death.
That would be about right, considering USPS would deliver it.
They'll do anything to deny me mah Soshul Seekurity, won't they?
The new one should have sponsors, so we can make some money off this terror thing:
Mountain Dew Code Red Alert
Minute Maid 100% pure Orange Alert.
Mello Yello Alert.
Blue Alert, brought to you by Viagra.
Green as a Nissan Leaf Alert.
What we need are color-coded twats.
OMFG. U r going 2 die 2day! Srsly!
I miss the days when our resident "Big Dumb Cunt", Tom Ridge, used to try to make us shit our britches in volcanic eruptions just be reciting the Rainbow's Catch of the Day (after receiving guidance from Karl Rove, of course). Ah the Dubya years, when the Rightards took it up the ass with a "Thank you sir, may I have another?"
Now if we could just get rid of the food pyramid and those charts that use faces to help you know how much pain you're in. Whatever happened to narrative?
Oh that's right, it went the way of the letter.
My a suggest as a a better pain chart
That is just perfect! Thank you!!!!
what we need is captain scarlet!
Napolitano is the Scarlet Pimpernel. Or perhaps she's the Scarlet Pumpernickle?
How are gay activists responding to the retirement of this rainbow?
Only REALLY cool societies detect danger by smell. Pepperoni pizza (low), Fried Chicken (wake up a little), burnt underwear (you may want to check the dryer), cow farts (get a sack of vittles and get the heck out), burning flesh (get in a room, pick up a gun, this party's over).
This is good news for all of the color blind people in America.
How will this affect the Terror Alert Robot?
That's right. WE NEED TO KNOW!!!
"That chart may look like the keys on a toddler’s xylophone"
At least it not Dr. Robert Stadler's xylophone.
The chart was flawed from the beginning, what with not having a "salmon" colored level.
The government will still tell us when we need to buy plastic sheeting and duct tape, right?
Those are always nice for adding a new wing onto your cardboard box house.
Tom Ridge was the stupidest cabinet secretary in memory, and mine is long. Among the many other things he was wrong about, Chimpy thought Ridge made him seem smart by comparison.
Since unfortunate encounters with Teabaggers occur *far* more often than acts of terrorism, I suggest a National Teabagger Advisory System. That should at least give you a good idea of your chance of being run over by a 400-pound scooter jihadist.
Dang. I was hoping for a system that used different levels of LOLcats.
Invisible Terrorist!
In all those years, did it ever go into the green, or even the blue? I don't think so…
Well, there were always muslims around, you know?
Dang. And just when I was beginning to think we should rename the entire country "The United States of Threat Level Orange."
I think they ought to just issue one alert for everyone all the time…set it at YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!! That should work.
…But continue shopping.
I prefer things to be black and white; a simple PANIC / DON'T PANIC will suffice.
Just be sure you always take a towel with you, and you'll be fine.
Yes, Panic/Don't Panic is the way to go. But I want to jazz it up with flashing red lights and the "red alert" alarm sounds from the original Star Trek.
It is a children's xylophone and we've been listening to some child hit the exact same note every day all day for the past ten years: Fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear…
Finally! Since the colored-coded system was put in place, I haven't been able to sit down to a bowl of Fruity Pebbles in the morning without feeling much anxiety and confusion.
I always thought the spectrum should range from black to none-more-black.
I had always wondered if there was a specific label for the advice given to professional victims like Palin.
I guess there is: defensive consulting
Can I sign up for a paperless terror notification email? Cause I don't open my regular mail, seeing as it's all overdue notices and collection agencies and chain letters from my 90 year old aunt who doesn't know there is an Internet.
Just like a damn liberal – substituting information for Pavlovian panic signals.
Hooray, I won't feel compelled to categorize my Skittles© anymore!
I didn't need the Terror Rainbow – I was seeing red for the entirety of George Fucking Bush's reign. Now, of course, everything's a soothing shade of salmon…..
United Colors of BendOver
You know what? It's crazy, it's outside-the-box, but damn it, it's so crazy it just might work.
No, but seriously, you mean we weren't doing something that to begin with? Wow, we got off easy, only getting attacked five or ten additional times when Dub was at the helm.
So much for dressing to match the Terror Alert! Does anybody want to buy a bright red or bull green three-piece business suit, as good as new?
I'm skeptical they will really tell us about the warnings like they're talking to educated adults.
I will withhold judgment on the new system until I hear from Dick Cheney's fat-ass daughter on Foxie news to tell me precisely how this will make it easier for the Negro President to assault America's developmentally disabled children.
The pat down at the airport would be so much more fun if done by a good looking employee. Dim the lights, serve some wine and talk to me in that Barry White tone of voice. "Baby, you know I have to check you out" We'd probably thank you for your service.
I think the chart should accord with all the gradations between flaccid and turgidly erect.
Don't worry. Fear isn't dead. Instead of being scared to death of terrorists, we now have a new boogeyman. His name is The Debt. And, he's scarier than terrorists, because not only will he kill you and will do it at airports, but he is coming to rape and kill you and your children, and while you are siiting in your living room, no less! He doesn't need a key to the place, either. He owns it. There is nowhere to hide from The Debt.
No, fear isn't dead. It just went on vacation and came back as someone else.
Today's terror alert is Black Watch plaid!
"The new plan calls for notifying specific audiences about specific threats."
Come for the terrorism, stay for the deconstruction! (I've already used a variation of this, but that's never a disqualifying practice here, amirite? That's why we loves our Wonkies!)
I'm sorry. If I had said "who gives a fuck?", would that have worked?
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