south park characters

Ted Haggard Would Be Bisexual If He Was a Hott 21-Year-Old

Where are they now?Former leading Bush evangelical megachurch pastor/guy who did crystal meth with gay prostitutes Ted Haggard is featured in the February issue of Gentlemen’s Quarterly, so that gentlemen can remove their top hats and waistcoats, sit down at the chair with some light reading, and laugh at him. “I cried when the Chilean miners got rescued. I cry when I watch Undercover Boss. I cry at anything that shows people being people. I’m a wreck,” he says. Sure. And then there’s stuff like this, of course: “We never had sex sex… I bought drugs and a massage from him, and he masturbated me at the end of it. That’s it.” Oh, and: “I think that probably, if I were 21 in this society, I would identify myself as a bisexual.”

He says that despite popular perception, he was never a right-wing power broker in the vein of Jerry Falwell. His reported weekly chats with George W. Bush were usually just briefings with low-level White House staff. He was never a homophobe, either, he says, and though he supported a 2006 amendment outlawing gay marriage in Colorado, he was also in favor of a ballot measure that would have extended domestic-partner benefits to same-sex couples.

The ol’ smoking-meth-out-of-a-gay-prostitute’s-anus triangulation.

Speaking of meth:

Related video

“Sometimes I’d throw it away,” he says. “Other times, I’d go someplace and masturbate and use it. But it was for masturbation. And that’s one of the reasons why I haven’t been real clear. I don’t want to stand up publicly and say, ‘Hey, I’m a masturbation guy!’

Everyone needs meth to masturbate. That’s how masturbation works.

“Anyway, I’m reading Romans. I just finished with Matthew, which is all Jesus, so I thought I’d harden that up with some Paul.”

Ted Harggard: hardening up with some Paul. [GQ]

Related

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

128 comments

  1. V572625694

    Gentlemen's quarterly? Must be aiming at the same demographic as the "gentlemen" who attend "gentlemen's" clubs, and then masturbate in the shitter with meth.

    I've missed so much in life.

    1. JustPixelz

      Cheer up. On their death bed, hardly anyone says "I wish I spent more time using meth and masturbating." One reason for that is, of course, that masturbating meth-heads don't die on a bed — usually more of a sofa setting, or one of those government-issued hammocks I heard about.

  2. elviouslyqueer

    I read this article, and it's twue, it's twue! Ted isn't a total gay. He just likes masturbating in front of other men over and over and over again, and watching gay porn, and seducing male (ahem) members of his congregation. But no, not totally gay at all!

    1. elviouslyqueer

      'Scuse me whilst I whip out my academic hard hat.

      Paul isn't so much a gay icon as he is a misogynist, schizophrenic, egotistical, proto-closet case with an uncomfortable fixation on societies that rather liked the buttsecks (i.e., Rome, Corinth, Thessalonica). If he were around in Jesus's time (70 years prior), he would likely have volunteered to be His buttboy, but exegesis being what it is, Paul ended up being the equivalent of a biblical Gossip Girl.

      1. mumbly_joe

        To be as fair as one can possibly be to Paul (ie, he's still terrible and ruined Christianity), it does bear pointing out that those okay-with-buttsecks places were basically the church's main competition for adherents, so things like "don't chill with non-christians" and "just don't have sex, ever, if you can help it" are comprehensible, if still wrong-headed, reactions, in that context.

        It's still completely asinine to pretend that those things should be major, or even somewhat relevant, elements of the religion today. But, someone decided to fill out the Jesusey bits with Paul's hatemail, and Biblical literalists did the rest of the heavy lifting.

        1. elviouslyqueer

          Yep, and I do credit Paul for (literally) saving the early Christian church from likely extinction (Rome, especially, would have liked nothing better than to have smothered Christianity in its crib). What I've never quite figured out is why lots of biblical scholars (and not just literalists) continue to be perfectly okay with Paul's constant contradictory thinking simply because he wrote more stuff in the New Testament than the gospel writers.

  3. Barbara_i

    I think he's been reading the book of Jonah and thinks of himself as a lovely sperm whale.

    Why "go someplace" to masturbate? The beauty of playing with your meat puppet is that you can do it at home.

  4. genxr

    Ummmmmm… I'm not the most experienced in these matters, but is it really masturbation if someone else does it to you?

    "I did not have sex with that woman. I merely masturbated with her mouth."

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Ted just said to the gay hooker, "Hey, gimme a hand here," and was misunderstood.

      Repeatedly, for money.

    1. Sparky_McGruff

      Apparently, not if you're a Republican. Family values and all that.

      Two liberal democrat lesbians getting married so they can live a boring adult life together in western Mass? SATAN'S SPAWN!

    2. eatingraoul

      They are the Moral Majority, they can do whatever the hell they want as long as you keep sending in ten percent of your paycheck.

  5. OkieDokieDog

    Remember the days when someone who publicly humiliated themselves slunk off into the night and we never heard from them again? Yeah, me neither, but it sure would be nice.

  6. teebob2000

    Well, that was "IT" for me when I was in college, too!!

    Except he also used his mouth on me a little, I guess…

    And I fucked him in the ass…

    But that was basically it.

    Oh, wait…

  7. mourningnmerica

    "It wasn't sex sex." Well, I think I understand. It wasn't that bad. Pastor Ted gave him money, got naked, and he was jacking Pastor Ted off while Pastor Ted was hittin' the pipe. You've got to take the context into account.

  8. littlebigdaddy

    A question for the ages: can you have meth mouth and still have gay face? I guess Ted will represent a controlled experiment.

  9. smokefilledroommate

    And to think Ted would have been a journalist if it weren't for a Pontiac LeMans. That's integrity.

  10. randcoolcatdaddy

    “Anyway, I’m reading Romans. I just finished with Matthew, which is all Jesus, so I thought I’d harden that up with some Paul.”

    Now that's an image I didn't need in my head near lunchtime.

  11. edgydrifter

    I thought all the meth and handjob stuff was in the Apocrypha. Ted must be using a really old Bible.

  12. nappyduggs

    Crystal meth is also called "Tina". So, I guess that *kind of* adds some validity to the bisexuality thang.

    Or he's just a sad, delusional, self-loather.

    (Hint: it's that second one.)

  13. SheriffRoscoe

    "Harden that up with some Paul" is one of my favorite phrases to use while having a three-way with a guy named Paul.

      1. SheriffRoscoe

        And I love you back Grampa. Where have you been? I've missed you. No one else around here takes the time to school me on my apostrophe abuses. :)

        1. proudgrampa

          Well, I'm glad we learned something that day. I've missed you, too! I have been working a consulting assignment since August and just haven't had as much time to chat. Now, about semicolons…

  14. SayItWithWookies

    Yes, Ted, if you were 21 you'd identify as bi — because sexuality is determined by age. So in this case, someone your age who has sex with men would be straight a closeted gay man. Apparently this climb up to actual self-awareness is gonna take a while.

  15. BornInATrailer

    "so I thought I’d harden that up with some Paul"

    I'll admit, I thought there was no way this was a real quote and you were just F'ing with your readership. But there it is.

    I like how the article ends with the interviewer listening to Ted and his wife in the next room discussing whether to toss the salad or not.

  16. Tommmcatt

    Hey, Jack, now that we have a clear definition of what "Sex" is and is not, want to come over and watch some gladiator videos? I've got Gun Oil…

  17. mourningnmerica

    Ted. It's actually OK to masturbate without shame. The embarrassing part of all this is that you threw away perfectly good meth.

  18. jus_wonderin

    "Hey, I'm Ted Haggard, and I'm the masturbation guy. If you been shopping for some masturbation well we have plenty in stock. Look at this sleek 2011 Masturbation Exploitation. Or, over here, we have many, many 2010 Wankie compacts. We do have military and senior discounts so if you are a senior drop by to take a test drive of our all new 2011 1/2 Onan Van.

    Hurry. Come in. We want to unload our 2011 stock to make room for the '12s."

    1. Oblios_Cap

      So that Onan generator in my RV isn't just for producing electricity?

      Camping just became a lot more fun!

  19. Callyson

    "I don’t want to stand up publicly and say, ‘Hey, I’m a masturbation guy!"
    Um, is there any other kind of guy? (Or gal for that matter)?
    On second thought, maybe I don't want an answer to that…

  20. SheriffRoscoe

    “Anyway, I’m reading Romans. I just finished with Matthew, which is all Jesus, so I thought I’d harden that up with some Paul.”

    Theologically speaking, he's saying that having too much gospel in your diet turns a man into a wimp. You need to balance out with some epistles, which contain more fiber and zest.

  21. bureaucrap

    What Ted meant to say was, "Like most gay 21-year olds, I insist I'm bisexual for one or two more years, before I admit that I was (once again) lying to myself. Once I come out, I immediately go on a shopping spree at Hugo Boss and hit the gym with a vengeance."

  22. Crank_Tango

    Jesus Christ people, who here HASN"T gotten meth and a tug from some dude in a stuckee's bathroom and then just cried at "people being people"?

    anyway, I wanna stand up and say "I am a masturbation guy!" Although I am pretty sure that term is redundant.

    1. PsycWench

      Next thing I know, you'll be telling me that all straight men fantasize about two women at one time.

    1. DeeJayKitteh

      Self-hating revisionist fuckwit would fit the bill, but I doubt that's what he'd pick for himself.

  23. BaldarTFlagass

    “I cried when the Chilean miners got rescued. I cry when I watch Undercover Boss. I cry at anything that shows people being people. I’m a wreck,” he says.

    Who the fuck does this guy think he is, some long lost brother of the Boner? He's not very orange.

    1. jus_wonderin

      And I am not sure I get his point. Is he saying that all gays boohoo at the drop of a boa???? I bet he was in the depths having to "throw away" his good friend Methie.

      1. BornInATrailer

        I bet mere seconds after the original was uttered one of Christ's disciples turned and snickered that very thing to another.

  24. ttommyunger

    Bisexual? No, Ted. Formerly closeted gay Hypocrite? Absolutely! Asshole? Definitely. And Meth? METH? I don't need no stinkin' Meth!

      1. ttommyunger

        If he ever banged is wife, it was out of a sense of duty or guilt, while thinking of penis. Add all the other names you like, but if you enjoy sex with males, you are gay. Nothing wrong with that; unless you are so self-loathing and hung up you can't live with yourself. In that case, you are Ted Haggard. Technically.

        1. AngryGeometer

          Bisexuality exists. It's different from being gay. It exists whether or not you believe in it.

          Sorry if that doesn't jibe with your little worldview or whatever, but you're being as fucking obnoxiously stupid as people who say homosexuality is a choice right about now.

      2. OkieDokieDog

        He & the Missus had 5 kids. He is a Christian man after all, and with his God given seeds, had to procreate! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat? I mean, how can you get to Heaven if you don't procreate?

  25. FNMA

    So, he cries at the drop of a hat and has an affinity for meth and gay hookers.

    You know who else cries at the drop of a hat…

  26. Ruhe

    So this is what we get from the Christians. "I do everything they do but I'm not one of them. I'm a meth addicted onanist who has his own hermeneutical style when it comes (huhhuh) to reading the bible." Makes you miss Roy Cohn doesn't it?

    1. WriteyWriterton

      I remember about 20 years ago when law professors seized on "hermeneutics" as their grammatical flavor of the week. What a bunch of content-free linguistic poseurs!

      Sorry: O/T.

  27. genxr

    Ugh. I may never masturbate again.

    Okay, that passed. I'm off to the crazy eyes and snowbilly pages fap fap fap.

  28. hagajim

    Does Ted cry when he masturbates too? Is it because his winky is too small or because he's a people being people?

  29. GregComlish

    Ted, the politically correct term is "Bipartisan". Just ask Lindsay Graham or Olympia Snowe. They'll welcome you to the club. Hopefully you can introduce them to this fancy "Meth" of yours.

  30. JoshuaNorton

    Poor Teddy. You know you're getting old when you go from "bisexual" to "buy sexual".

    Them's the breaks.

  31. Ducksworthy

    Only in Amurikka could an asshole like this make a living by being such and asshole. USA, USA!

  32. donner_froh

    "Ted initially denied having met Jones, but a few days later he confessed that he was, in fact, Art from Kansas City. In his resignation letter to New Life, he wrote: "The fact is, I am guilty of sexual immorality, and I take responsibility for the entire problem. I am a deceiver and a liar."

    We should believe him now, of course, since all of that is "behind" (oops) him.

  33. GOPCrusher

    Ted is bisexual, if he means he buys sex with male prostitutes using meth as the currency for the transaction.

  34. StarsUponThars

    On the scale of excuses made by anti-gay conservatives who got caught being gay, “We never had sex sex" beats "I have a wide stance" any day of the week.

  35. Veritas78

    My problem is that Jesus wasn't hard enough for him, so he needed some Paul?

    Who's the god here? I thought the whole deal was that god (the trinity—a three-fer) was all one needed. But apparently, Jesus is too wimpy, so we need Paul for a chaser.

    No wonder Pope Bennie the pedo-protector is confused. Spend too much time masturbating to the good book, and you end up doing meth or alter-boys. Or both.

  36. eatingraoul

    Meth makes you horny? Please enlighten as all I know is methheads get skinny, ugly and their teeth rot.

  37. eatingraoul

    The dude "masterbated " you,no ,he jerked you off. So you should be saying……………………… I'm a jerk off guy Hey I'm a jerk off guy. Or Jack off guy.

  38. Negropolis

    Somebody should tell him that you don't have to physically stand up to masturbate, and you don't have to do it in public. In fact, it's preferable if you don't do it in public.

  39. anteater

    This grifter has sensed a culture shift and is scheming to get in on the ground floor of the bi-sexual meth-masturbatorium franchise.

    or maybe he just likes cock.

  40. SaintRond

    If you're going to think about Ted Haggard sucking a cock, you might as well round it all out with that old Wonkette piece about Orly Taitz being "tighter and wetter," than "girls half her age."
    http://wonkette.com/412157/heres-some-great-news-

    For some reason, I'm obsessed by that article about Orly Taitz. But what's really mystifying to me is why I want you to be obsessed with it too. Oh well. Peace… God bless.

  41. DashboardBuddha

    Ted, I know from friends how hard recovery can be. However, here's a tip: You're going to have a hard time negotiating those steps if you keep using phrases like, "so I thought I’d harden that up with some Paul".

Comments are closed.