SOUTH PARK CHARACTERS  11:12 am January 27, 2011

Ted Haggard Would Be Bisexual If He Was a Hott 21-Year-Old

by Jack Stuef

Where are they now?Former leading Bush evangelical megachurch pastor/guy who did crystal meth with gay prostitutes Ted Haggard is featured in the February issue of Gentlemen’s Quarterly, so that gentlemen can remove their top hats and waistcoats, sit down at the chair with some light reading, and laugh at him. “I cried when the Chilean miners got rescued. I cry when I watch Undercover Boss. I cry at anything that shows people being people. I’m a wreck,” he says. Sure. And then there’s stuff like this, of course: “We never had sex sex… I bought drugs and a massage from him, and he masturbated me at the end of it. That’s it.” Oh, and: “I think that probably, if I were 21 in this society, I would identify myself as a bisexual.”

He says that despite popular perception, he was never a right-wing power broker in the vein of Jerry Falwell. His reported weekly chats with George W. Bush were usually just briefings with low-level White House staff. He was never a homophobe, either, he says, and though he supported a 2006 amendment outlawing gay marriage in Colorado, he was also in favor of a ballot measure that would have extended domestic-partner benefits to same-sex couples.

The ol’ smoking-meth-out-of-a-gay-prostitute’s-anus triangulation.

Speaking of meth:

“Sometimes I’d throw it away,” he says. “Other times, I’d go someplace and masturbate and use it. But it was for masturbation. And that’s one of the reasons why I haven’t been real clear. I don’t want to stand up publicly and say, ‘Hey, I’m a masturbation guy!’

Everyone needs meth to masturbate. That’s how masturbation works.

“Anyway, I’m reading Romans. I just finished with Matthew, which is all Jesus, so I thought I’d harden that up with some Paul.”

Ted Harggard: hardening up with some Paul. [GQ]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 128 comments }

V572625694 January 27, 2011 at 11:18 am

Gentlemen's quarterly? Must be aiming at the same demographic as the "gentlemen" who attend "gentlemen's" clubs, and then masturbate in the shitter with meth.

I've missed so much in life.

JustPixelz January 27, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Cheer up. On their death bed, hardly anyone says "I wish I spent more time using meth and masturbating." One reason for that is, of course, that masturbating meth-heads don't die on a bed — usually more of a sofa setting, or one of those government-issued hammocks I heard about.

elviouslyqueer January 27, 2011 at 11:19 am

I read this article, and it's twue, it's twue! Ted isn't a total gay. He just likes masturbating in front of other men over and over and over again, and watching gay porn, and seducing male (ahem) members of his congregation. But no, not totally gay at all!

horsedreamer_1 January 27, 2011 at 12:03 pm

In high-school, we called it the football team.

Who gets to eat the cookie, though?

Lascauxcaveman January 27, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Ted, Horsedreamer, both you guys. Way T-M-effing-I.

LiveToServeYa January 27, 2011 at 11:20 am

Ted Harggard: hardening up with some Paul.

This man has hairy Psalms.

stew1 January 27, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Best. Pun. Ever.

mrbubb January 28, 2011 at 9:46 pm

For the win.

ManchuCandidate January 27, 2011 at 11:21 am

A multilevel wanker.

caged_wisdom January 27, 2011 at 11:21 am

I don't know much about the Bible. Is Paul a gay icon and where can I find some jack-off powder?

elviouslyqueer January 27, 2011 at 11:32 am

'Scuse me whilst I whip out my academic hard hat.

Paul isn't so much a gay icon as he is a misogynist, schizophrenic, egotistical, proto-closet case with an uncomfortable fixation on societies that rather liked the buttsecks (i.e., Rome, Corinth, Thessalonica). If he were around in Jesus's time (70 years prior), he would likely have volunteered to be His buttboy, but exegesis being what it is, Paul ended up being the equivalent of a biblical Gossip Girl.

Papa_Uniform January 27, 2011 at 11:39 am

Buttsecks bullseye!

mumbly_joe January 27, 2011 at 11:41 am

To be as fair as one can possibly be to Paul (ie, he's still terrible and ruined Christianity), it does bear pointing out that those okay-with-buttsecks places were basically the church's main competition for adherents, so things like "don't chill with non-christians" and "just don't have sex, ever, if you can help it" are comprehensible, if still wrong-headed, reactions, in that context.

It's still completely asinine to pretend that those things should be major, or even somewhat relevant, elements of the religion today. But, someone decided to fill out the Jesusey bits with Paul's hatemail, and Biblical literalists did the rest of the heavy lifting.

elviouslyqueer January 27, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Yep, and I do credit Paul for (literally) saving the early Christian church from likely extinction (Rome, especially, would have liked nothing better than to have smothered Christianity in its crib). What I've never quite figured out is why lots of biblical scholars (and not just literalists) continue to be perfectly okay with Paul's constant contradictory thinking simply because he wrote more stuff in the New Testament than the gospel writers.

Zvi_Bleindmeis January 27, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Are we talking about Ron or Rand here?

elviouslyqueer January 27, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Yes.

LetUsBray January 27, 2011 at 8:30 pm

No, McCartney. The Walrus was Paul, you know.

Barbara_i January 27, 2011 at 11:22 am

I think he's been reading the book of Jonah and thinks of himself as a lovely sperm whale.

Why "go someplace" to masturbate? The beauty of playing with your meat puppet is that you can do it at home.

V572625694 January 27, 2011 at 11:27 am

You make that statement with considerable authority.

Barbara_i January 27, 2011 at 11:36 am

Yeah, I just knocked one out of the ballpark earlier.

ttommyunger January 27, 2011 at 11:48 am

Coming!

Ducksworthy January 27, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Thar she blows!

Rarian Rakista January 27, 2011 at 10:36 pm

Or on the bus.

genxr January 27, 2011 at 11:24 am

Ummmmmm… I'm not the most experienced in these matters, but is it really masturbation if someone else does it to you?

"I did not have sex with that woman. I merely masturbated with her mouth."

Lascauxcaveman January 27, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Ted just said to the gay hooker, "Hey, gimme a hand here," and was misunderstood.

Repeatedly, for money.

smokefilledroommate January 27, 2011 at 11:24 am

Isn't masturbating to the Bible while high on meth somehow morally wrong?

V572625694 January 27, 2011 at 11:28 am

If that's wrong I don't want to be…

Well, no, it really is wrong.

OneDollarJuana January 27, 2011 at 11:53 am

Yeah, you can get paper cuts.

Sparky_McGruff January 27, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Apparently, not if you're a Republican. Family values and all that.

Two liberal democrat lesbians getting married so they can live a boring adult life together in western Mass? SATAN'S SPAWN!

lefty74 January 27, 2011 at 12:56 pm

The guy has spilled the beans and his seed.

eatingraoul January 27, 2011 at 7:51 pm

They are the Moral Majority, they can do whatever the hell they want as long as you keep sending in ten percent of your paycheck.

OkieDokieDog January 27, 2011 at 11:27 am

Remember the days when someone who publicly humiliated themselves slunk off into the night and we never heard from them again? Yeah, me neither, but it sure would be nice.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 27, 2011 at 11:28 am

Creepy creep is even creepier than previously thought.

Amen.
~

teebob2000 January 27, 2011 at 11:29 am

Well, that was "IT" for me when I was in college, too!!

Except he also used his mouth on me a little, I guess…

And I fucked him in the ass…

But that was basically it.

Oh, wait…

mourningnmerica January 27, 2011 at 11:30 am

"It wasn't sex sex." Well, I think I understand. It wasn't that bad. Pastor Ted gave him money, got naked, and he was jacking Pastor Ted off while Pastor Ted was hittin' the pipe. You've got to take the context into account.

littlebigdaddy January 27, 2011 at 11:31 am

A question for the ages: can you have meth mouth and still have gay face? I guess Ted will represent a controlled experiment.

GuanoFaucet January 27, 2011 at 11:31 am

If he uses meth to masturbate, what the hell does he use when he has sex? Crack? PCP?

MoeDeLawn January 27, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Semtex? C4?

AutomaticPilot January 27, 2011 at 2:47 pm

He uses crack all right – the crack of someone else's ass! Hey-oh!

smokefilledroommate January 27, 2011 at 11:32 am

And to think Ted would have been a journalist if it weren't for a Pontiac LeMans. That's integrity.

randcoolcatdaddy January 27, 2011 at 11:34 am

“Anyway, I’m reading Romans. I just finished with Matthew, which is all Jesus, so I thought I’d harden that up with some Paul.”

Now that's an image I didn't need in my head near lunchtime.

V572625694 January 27, 2011 at 11:58 am

"Song of Solomon" works better for many people.

genxr January 27, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Shlong of Solomon?

Merry Methmass Charlie Brown!

jus_wonderin January 27, 2011 at 11:34 am

I think I have to wait for Bristol's talking points on this issue.

edgydrifter January 27, 2011 at 11:35 am

I thought all the meth and handjob stuff was in the Apocrypha. Ted must be using a really old Bible.

MinAgain January 27, 2011 at 11:36 am

Paul? Really? In my experience, Paul usually sucks the masturbation vibe right out of a room.

nappyduggs January 27, 2011 at 11:37 am

Crystal meth is also called "Tina". So, I guess that *kind of* adds some validity to the bisexuality thang.

Or he's just a sad, delusional, self-loather.

(Hint: it's that second one.)

SheriffRoscoe January 27, 2011 at 11:39 am

"Harden that up with some Paul" is one of my favorite phrases to use while having a three-way with a guy named Paul.

proudgrampa January 27, 2011 at 11:49 am

Lol. That's why I love you, Roscoe! Well, not that way…

SheriffRoscoe January 27, 2011 at 12:57 pm

And I love you back Grampa. Where have you been? I've missed you. No one else around here takes the time to school me on my apostrophe abuses. :)

proudgrampa January 27, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Well, I'm glad we learned something that day. I've missed you, too! I have been working a consulting assignment since August and just haven't had as much time to chat. Now, about semicolons…

Crank_Tango January 27, 2011 at 11:51 am

Do I even wanna know what you mean when you use the phrase "all Jesus"?

AngryBlakGuy January 27, 2011 at 11:39 am

…as we speak Pfizer is patenting a new ED pill!

SayItWithWookies January 27, 2011 at 11:40 am

Yes, Ted, if you were 21 you'd identify as bi — because sexuality is determined by age. So in this case, someone your age who has sex with men would be straight a closeted gay man. Apparently this climb up to actual self-awareness is gonna take a while.

BornInATrailer January 27, 2011 at 11:40 am

"so I thought I’d harden that up with some Paul"

I'll admit, I thought there was no way this was a real quote and you were just F'ing with your readership. But there it is.

I like how the article ends with the interviewer listening to Ted and his wife in the next room discussing whether to toss the salad or not.

Oblios_Cap January 27, 2011 at 11:49 am

Well, did they? Or was it just regular old missionary for sustenance?

jim89048 January 27, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Missionary masturbation? How does that work?

Tommmcatt January 27, 2011 at 11:42 am

Hey, Jack, now that we have a clear definition of what "Sex" is and is not, want to come over and watch some gladiator videos? I've got Gun Oil…

mourningnmerica January 27, 2011 at 11:43 am

Ted. It's actually OK to masturbate without shame. The embarrassing part of all this is that you threw away perfectly good meth.

jus_wonderin January 27, 2011 at 11:44 am

"Hey, I'm Ted Haggard, and I'm the masturbation guy. If you been shopping for some masturbation well we have plenty in stock. Look at this sleek 2011 Masturbation Exploitation. Or, over here, we have many, many 2010 Wankie compacts. We do have military and senior discounts so if you are a senior drop by to take a test drive of our all new 2011 1/2 Onan Van.

Hurry. Come in. We want to unload our 2011 stock to make room for the '12s."

Oblios_Cap January 27, 2011 at 11:50 am

So that Onan generator in my RV isn't just for producing electricity?

Camping just became a lot more fun!

Lascauxcaveman January 27, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Yes, but be very careful.

Callyson January 27, 2011 at 11:45 am

"I don’t want to stand up publicly and say, ‘Hey, I’m a masturbation guy!"
Um, is there any other kind of guy? (Or gal for that matter)?
On second thought, maybe I don't want an answer to that…

SheriffRoscoe January 27, 2011 at 11:46 am

“Anyway, I’m reading Romans. I just finished with Matthew, which is all Jesus, so I thought I’d harden that up with some Paul.”

Theologically speaking, he's saying that having too much gospel in your diet turns a man into a wimp. You need to balance out with some epistles, which contain more fiber and zest.

jrients January 27, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Yeah, that was my read as well. Jesus is just not butch enough for him.

HempDogbane January 27, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Jesus is just all right with me. Oh yeah!

bureaucrap January 27, 2011 at 11:47 am

What Ted meant to say was, "Like most gay 21-year olds, I insist I'm bisexual for one or two more years, before I admit that I was (once again) lying to myself. Once I come out, I immediately go on a shopping spree at Hugo Boss and hit the gym with a vengeance."

Crank_Tango January 27, 2011 at 11:47 am

Jesus Christ people, who here HASN"T gotten meth and a tug from some dude in a stuckee's bathroom and then just cried at "people being people"?

anyway, I wanna stand up and say "I am a masturbation guy!" Although I am pretty sure that term is redundant.

PsycWench January 27, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Next thing I know, you'll be telling me that all straight men fantasize about two women at one time.

metamarcisf January 27, 2011 at 11:47 am

Give me masturbation or give me death!

GregComlish January 27, 2011 at 1:38 pm

I think you mean meth.

bflrtsplk January 27, 2011 at 11:48 am

If he would call himself bisexual when he was 21, what does he call himself now?

DeeJayKitteh January 27, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Self-hating revisionist fuckwit would fit the bill, but I doubt that's what he'd pick for himself.

BaldarTFlagass January 27, 2011 at 11:48 am

“I cried when the Chilean miners got rescued. I cry when I watch Undercover Boss. I cry at anything that shows people being people. I’m a wreck,” he says.

Who the fuck does this guy think he is, some long lost brother of the Boner? He's not very orange.

jus_wonderin January 27, 2011 at 11:51 am

And I am not sure I get his point. Is he saying that all gays boohoo at the drop of a boa???? I bet he was in the depths having to "throw away" his good friend Methie.

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 27, 2011 at 11:49 am

I'm glad this story included a happy ending.

Barbara_i January 27, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Kinda like how Bristol turned being a loose chick into her Super Tramp tour.

AutomaticPilot January 27, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Speaking of which, what exactly is in those Happy Ending Sundaes at Friendly's?

BornInATrailer January 27, 2011 at 11:52 am

He who is without sin toss the first load.

PhilippePetain January 27, 2011 at 12:03 pm

This deserves millions of p-enis points.

Ruhe January 27, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Not to question your creativity but I bet that joke is as old as the parable.

BornInATrailer January 27, 2011 at 1:25 pm

I bet mere seconds after the original was uttered one of Christ's disciples turned and snickered that very thing to another.

ttommyunger January 27, 2011 at 11:52 am

Bisexual? No, Ted. Formerly closeted gay Hypocrite? Absolutely! Asshole? Definitely. And Meth? METH? I don't need no stinkin' Meth!

Lascauxcaveman January 27, 2011 at 12:24 pm

If he ever banged his wife, then he's bisexual. Technically.

ttommyunger January 27, 2011 at 12:52 pm

If he ever banged is wife, it was out of a sense of duty or guilt, while thinking of penis. Add all the other names you like, but if you enjoy sex with males, you are gay. Nothing wrong with that; unless you are so self-loathing and hung up you can't live with yourself. In that case, you are Ted Haggard. Technically.

AngryGeometer January 27, 2011 at 7:05 pm

Bisexuality exists. It's different from being gay. It exists whether or not you believe in it.

Sorry if that doesn't jibe with your little worldview or whatever, but you're being as fucking obnoxiously stupid as people who say homosexuality is a choice right about now.

ttommyunger January 27, 2011 at 11:34 pm

You seem to think that being called gay is a horrible thing. That makes you the stupid one.

OkieDokieDog January 27, 2011 at 1:30 pm

He & the Missus had 5 kids. He is a Christian man after all, and with his God given seeds, had to procreate! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat? I mean, how can you get to Heaven if you don't procreate?

AngryBlakGuy January 27, 2011 at 11:53 am

…if guys needed Meth to masturbate, it would be legal by now!

Crank_Tango January 27, 2011 at 1:14 pm

if meth could cook and clean the house, we'd let it vote. Or not.

Chet Kincaid January 27, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Somehow, I think the next gimmick for his new "ministry" will be some kind of Evangelical Glee.

FNMA January 27, 2011 at 12:06 pm

So, he cries at the drop of a hat and has an affinity for meth and gay hookers.

You know who else cries at the drop of a hat…

genxr January 27, 2011 at 12:13 pm

The hat cleaner? A guy with a hat fetish? Hatfield von Hatterson?

mourningnmerica January 27, 2011 at 7:16 pm

Best today.

WriteyWriterton January 28, 2011 at 4:29 pm

I see I'm still not getting credit for Dick Dickerson.

Ruhe January 27, 2011 at 12:06 pm

So this is what we get from the Christians. "I do everything they do but I'm not one of them. I'm a meth addicted onanist who has his own hermeneutical style when it comes (huhhuh) to reading the bible." Makes you miss Roy Cohn doesn't it?

WriteyWriterton January 28, 2011 at 4:31 pm

I remember about 20 years ago when law professors seized on "hermeneutics" as their grammatical flavor of the week. What a bunch of content-free linguistic poseurs!

Sorry: O/T.

horsedreamer_1 January 27, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Pictured, above: Delta Kappa Epsilon — Yale Chapter Reunion.

genxr January 27, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Ugh. I may never masturbate again.

Okay, that passed. I'm off to the crazy eyes and snowbilly pages fap fap fap.

Lascauxcaveman January 27, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Teevee evangelical ministries. Just another way to shake your moneymaker.

Eve8Apples January 27, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Do they make laminated Bibles for masturbation guys?

snoopyfan2010 January 27, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Four words, four letters: STFU!

hagajim January 27, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Does Ted cry when he masturbates too? Is it because his winky is too small or because he's a people being people?

GregComlish January 27, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Ted, the politically correct term is "Bipartisan". Just ask Lindsay Graham or Olympia Snowe. They'll welcome you to the club. Hopefully you can introduce them to this fancy "Meth" of yours.

JoshuaNorton January 27, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Poor Teddy. You know you're getting old when you go from "bisexual" to "buy sexual".

Them's the breaks.

Worthly Wokette Skum January 27, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Heck of a job, Brown Eye!

Ducksworthy January 27, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Only in Amurikka could an asshole like this make a living by being such and asshole. USA, USA!

stew1 January 27, 2011 at 2:30 pm

'Ol Ted hasn't gotten to the part about Onan yet, I guess.

donner_froh January 27, 2011 at 2:32 pm

"Ted initially denied having met Jones, but a few days later he confessed that he was, in fact, Art from Kansas City. In his resignation letter to New Life, he wrote: "The fact is, I am guilty of sexual immorality, and I take responsibility for the entire problem. I am a deceiver and a liar."

We should believe him now, of course, since all of that is "behind" (oops) him.

HolyMaracas January 27, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Meth-addict, Xtian hypocrite, and a jerk off (literally)…is Ted from Wasilly also, too?

GOPCrusher January 27, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Masturbation isn't sex, like blowjobs aren't sex.

Rarian Rakista January 27, 2011 at 10:33 pm

That is actually the line my 14 year old second cousin gave her parents when she got caught "not having sex" with a high school drop out.

GOPCrusher January 27, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Ted is bisexual, if he means he buys sex with male prostitutes using meth as the currency for the transaction.

Thedongsofwar January 27, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Well doesn't that just beat all?

StarsUponThars January 27, 2011 at 6:51 pm

On the scale of excuses made by anti-gay conservatives who got caught being gay, “We never had sex sex" beats "I have a wide stance" any day of the week.

Veritas78 January 27, 2011 at 7:19 pm

My problem is that Jesus wasn't hard enough for him, so he needed some Paul?

Who's the god here? I thought the whole deal was that god (the trinity—a three-fer) was all one needed. But apparently, Jesus is too wimpy, so we need Paul for a chaser.

No wonder Pope Bennie the pedo-protector is confused. Spend too much time masturbating to the good book, and you end up doing meth or alter-boys. Or both.

eatingraoul January 27, 2011 at 7:44 pm

Meth makes you horny? Please enlighten as all I know is methheads get skinny, ugly and their teeth rot.

eatingraoul January 27, 2011 at 8:09 pm

The dude "masterbated " you,no ,he jerked you off. So you should be saying……………………… I'm a jerk off guy Hey I'm a jerk off guy. Or Jack off guy.

LetUsBray January 27, 2011 at 8:46 pm

Today we are all masturbation guys.

(Honestly, I can't believe no one's said this yet)

JackObin January 27, 2011 at 10:03 pm

I cry when I contemplate the idiot who invented god.

zhubajie January 27, 2011 at 10:06 pm

Shouldn't he be more ashamed of working for a cult like Focus on the Family?

Rarian Rakista January 27, 2011 at 10:37 pm

You mean the Refried Tossed Salad Version?

Negropolis January 28, 2011 at 2:32 am

Somebody should tell him that you don't have to physically stand up to masturbate, and you don't have to do it in public. In fact, it's preferable if you don't do it in public.

peaceocrap January 28, 2011 at 9:22 am

O'Donnell/Haggard 2012!

anteater January 28, 2011 at 11:43 am

This grifter has sensed a culture shift and is scheming to get in on the ground floor of the bi-sexual meth-masturbatorium franchise.

or maybe he just likes cock.

WriteyWriterton January 28, 2011 at 4:24 pm

"…I thought I’d harden that up with some Paul."

Rand or Ron?

SaintRond January 28, 2011 at 7:56 pm

If you're going to think about Ted Haggard sucking a cock, you might as well round it all out with that old Wonkette piece about Orly Taitz being "tighter and wetter," than "girls half her age."
http://wonkette.com/412157/heres-some-great-news-

For some reason, I'm obsessed by that article about Orly Taitz. But what's really mystifying to me is why I want you to be obsessed with it too. Oh well. Peace… God bless.

DashboardBuddha January 29, 2011 at 10:31 am

Ted, I know from friends how hard recovery can be. However, here's a tip: You're going to have a hard time negotiating those steps if you keep using phrases like, "so I thought I’d harden that up with some Paul".

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