AL QAEDA HAS TROUT BTW  10:21 am January 27, 2011

President Obama’s State of the Salmon Address

by Jack Stuef


We thought it was odd the American public described Obama’s speech on Tuesday as “salmon.” But you know what? We looked back at the video, and it’s true. That whole thing was about salmon.

It’s an open question whether America can compete in the long run with other countries’ salmon. Ours tend to get eaten by bears a lot. And it will be a challenge for Obama to fund a modernized salmon infrastructure and salmon education initiatives while balancing the budget. The real difference is whether or not he will be willing to make reforms to salmon entitlements, but it doesn’t seem politically possible at the moment. Salmon think they should get water for free from the government and make no effort to provide it to themselves, and that’s not going to change in one spawning season.

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 58 comments }

ManchuCandidate January 27, 2011 at 10:25 am

"Salmon! Salmon! Salmon!!!! It's always about Salmon!!!" sez the neglected Tuna.

WIDTAP January 27, 2011 at 12:28 pm

I saw Greg french-kissing a Salmon once.

assistantatlas January 27, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Wait, so Cindy is Trout, right? Would that abortion Mrs. Brady had one time because she has enough friggin' kids … is that caviar?

Negropolis January 28, 2011 at 2:25 am

I don't care what anyone says, Salmon is the poor-man's Tuna, not the other way around. Suck it Salmon.

doxastic January 27, 2011 at 10:26 am

Also similarly, many in Alaska can't figure out why fishing for salmon with explosives is a bad idea in the long run.

Barbara_i January 27, 2011 at 10:27 am

Oh, I thought he was talking about Salman Rushdie, the author of The Satanic Verses. You would think that the fatwa ordered against him would have stopped him from following up with his other book, Buddha, You Fat Fuck!

harry_palmer January 27, 2011 at 10:30 am

I guess I wasn't in tuna with him, so I thought the whole thing sounded fishy, but now I see the porpoise.

Ruhe January 27, 2011 at 10:34 am

Leo Gorcey called and he wants his brilliance back. Brilliance.

jus_wonderin January 27, 2011 at 10:59 am

Walleye I think I am herring the same thing, Barracuda made it a bit clearer; by being just a bit less koi.

Honestly, all this a.m. talk about seafood is making me a bit eel.

LiveToServeYa January 27, 2011 at 11:07 am

You, sir, need to seek kelp.

Preferred Customer January 27, 2011 at 12:15 pm

With all this talk about salmon and fishing, I am surprised he did not mention Roe v. Wade.

Serolf_Divad January 27, 2011 at 10:31 am

Wow, the editing is so seamless if I didn't know better I'd think this was the actual address.

elviouslyqueer January 27, 2011 at 10:31 am

Fish heads, fish heads. Roly-poly fish heads.

LiveToServeYa January 27, 2011 at 11:03 am

EAT 'EM UP, YUM!

Oblios_Cap January 27, 2011 at 10:31 am

if you get Salmonella from chickens, do you get chickenella from salmons?

Barbara_i January 27, 2011 at 10:34 am

Just ask any mermaid you happen to see.

SayItWithWookies January 27, 2011 at 10:41 am

And Nutella from Michele Bachmann?

metamarcisf January 27, 2011 at 10:47 am

The president obviously doesn't care about neither Sam nor Ella.

LiveToServeYa January 27, 2011 at 11:09 am

I think I got vanilla from ice, once.

GOPCrusher January 27, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Chicken Of The Sea-Is it Chicken or Tuna?

Negropolis January 28, 2011 at 2:26 am

I don't know, but I hear you can get nutella from teabagging.

walstib January 27, 2011 at 10:36 am

You know who eats Salmon, right?

MAMA GRIZZLIES that's who.

So, in reality, the SOTU was actually a big come on to Wasilla's favorite cuckold.

That's right, Barry wants the horned bear to eat his "speech"

Y'all are gross.

horsedreamer_1 January 27, 2011 at 11:30 am

W… T… F.

GregComlish January 27, 2011 at 10:36 am

By promoting "Salmon" are we still making cunnilingus references about Kuchinich's wife?? Somebody clue me in here.

natoslug January 27, 2011 at 11:18 am

If we aren't, we should be. She's quite tongue-punchable.

ttommyunger January 27, 2011 at 11:24 am

She might be vulnerable now, what with Dennis's oral equipment being currently under renovation.

weejee January 27, 2011 at 10:39 am

Salmon gulpers eat salmon – it's a dammed proper thing to do.

jus_wonderin January 27, 2011 at 10:52 am

Are you channelling Wilford Brimley???

weejee January 27, 2011 at 11:01 am

It's the right thing to do and the tasty way to do it.

Clancy_Pants January 27, 2011 at 10:43 am

Dead salmon go with the flow, also.

Chet Kincaid January 27, 2011 at 10:43 am

It's salmon
I'm eatin' salmon wid you!
It's salmon (salmon, salmon, salmon)
And I hope you like salmon, too!

Ain't no rules, ain't no law, we can grill it anyhow:
I and I will cook it through,
'Cos everyday it's tastin' nice, served up with a little rice,
Salmon 'til the salmon's through!

LesBontemps January 27, 2011 at 11:13 am

With jah-smine rice-tafari.

Chet Kincaid January 27, 2011 at 11:15 am

Wow, I'm losing points for this? Fuck you rude boys, light a spliff and it's funnier.

We're in the middle of the makings of a melted butter salmon…

LesBontemps January 27, 2011 at 11:23 am

Just the Breitbart trolls passing through again, sucking pee.

SorosBot January 27, 2011 at 10:45 am

But I don't like salmon!

WhatTheHolyHeck January 27, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your salmon. I love it. I'm having salmon, salmon,salmon,salmon,salmon,salmon,salmon,salmon,salmon, salmon and salmon.

Zvi_Bleindmeis January 27, 2011 at 10:45 am

It's no secret that smoked salmon is controlled by the Jews.

ANTHONYPERONE January 27, 2011 at 8:43 pm

Only with a 'shmear' cream-cheese.

metamarcisf January 27, 2011 at 10:47 am

After this precedent, President Palin will think nothing of making endless speeches about the humane killing of halibut in a boat with her daughter on a TV show that,sadly, is no mas.

Oblios_Cap January 27, 2011 at 10:51 am

As Bill Daley says: "The Interior Department is in charge of salmon while they’re in fresh water, but the Commerce Department handles them in when they’re in saltwater. I hear it gets even more complicated once they’re smoked.”

Indeed it does, Bill. Indeed it does.

Moonbat January 27, 2011 at 2:03 pm

I tried to smoke a salmon once, but it was damn hard finding rolling papers that were big enough and the thing wouldn't light anyhow. Major buzzkill.

CrunchyKnee January 27, 2011 at 10:52 am

At least it wasn't leftover.

caged_wisdom January 27, 2011 at 11:00 am

A big threat to America is the bear. Bears are a threat to salmon. Therefore, we need to have bear death panels and abortions to save America.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 27, 2011 at 11:13 am

The downfister troll thinks there is something very fishy about our comments.
~

VinnyThePooh January 27, 2011 at 11:24 am

Woman: How did we all die at the same time?
Grim Reaper: The Salmon Moose.

BornInATrailer January 27, 2011 at 11:33 am

Hey, I didn't even eat the mousse..

undeterredbyreality January 27, 2011 at 11:29 am

Salmon goes out, salmon goes in. You can't explain that.

MinAgain January 27, 2011 at 11:37 am

Bears. They're godless salmon killing machines.

ANTHONYPERONE January 27, 2011 at 8:44 pm

Urp!

Negropolis January 28, 2011 at 2:27 am

They're like the Nazis of the Animal Kingdom, even.

PubOption January 27, 2011 at 11:40 am

Does Boner need to eat salmon, to maintain his orange coloration?

ANTHONYPERONE January 27, 2011 at 8:39 pm

…do you think that Hue comes easy?

WhatTheHeck January 27, 2011 at 11:40 am

After I removed the scales from my eyes, I too realized his speech was directed to the voters of Alaska, and in particular to Sarah Palin. The message: Sarah, you are gonna get smoked in the next election.

ANTHONYPERONE January 27, 2011 at 8:42 pm

Praise to the Sara person. Her beautifully scripted response was…'WTF!' Who can hate her?

Negropolis January 28, 2011 at 2:28 am

Hey, now; that's not civility transcendent!

manythousands January 27, 2011 at 11:44 am

Won't somebody puh-leeeeze think of the salmon ?!?!

Tundra Grifter January 27, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Salmon enchanted evening.

You can't beat Kip Addotta's "Wet Dream"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6l1GvDWtccI

ANTHONYPERONE January 27, 2011 at 8:38 pm

Hello!….a Salmon is a LOX! A Lox is a complete waste of time and just lies there being completely clueless and smoked. (As in certain political programs)

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