remain calm or freak out

Dugway Bioweapons Army Base Under Weird Lockdown

Gah.Dugway Proving Ground, a massive Army base in Utah along the border with Nevada, has been under lockdown for many hours now because of some kind of “national terror alert” to “resolve security issues.” Dugway is a bioweapons lab and supposedly home to secret military aerial projects. More than 6,300 sheep died near the proving ground in 1968 when a cloud of “nerve agent” hit the livestock herds in Skull Valley. Dugway is also where the U.S. Government has been testing weaponized Anthrax as recently as 1998. The Twitter feed tonight is kind of terrifying.

Seven hours after the lockdown and there’s still no explanation.

Gah, anyway, we have no idea what’s going on. The police scanners in the area are no longer operating — not the web streams, anyway — and the Twitter is filled with local reporters asking for information from anybody. There are 2,000 people locked down on the base, apparently. [Salt Lake Tribune]

UPDATE: As of Thursday morning, the lockdown has ended but the whole thing remains a Total Mystery, as the Army won’t say what happened. [Salt Lake Tribune]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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121 comments

    1. Terry

      All the time Jamey Sheridan was on Law and Order, I kept expecting him to morph into a demon when he got mad.

      1. Whatever

        Me too. How strange.
        Guess it's time to limber up the scooter and go on a trip.

        Hey, was that Molly Ringwald on a motorcycle I just saw go by?

    2. HedonismBot

      He once saved a baby from drowning. There are those who say, beneath his coat… there are wings.

    3. Beattitudes

      no but there was a report last week about a fireball in philly i think…might want to keep an eye out for "trashy" and his pyrotechnical special effects…

      smh i should just get laid it would save keystrokes…

  1. SayItWithWookies

    So? What's so dangerous about testing those dweeby motorized scooters? Maybe someone fell off the damn thing and broke a tooth, but he's not running the country anymore, so he can get his own ride to the damn emergency room.

  2. Dashboard_Jesus

    of course this takes place in Utah, home of the 'true' believers…thank gawd (the Mormon/ Moron gawd, not the Joo gawd!) the aliens have finally come to rescue/ annihilate us and take us out of our misery…I hope the Moroni Angels give me my very own planet, and it better not be the same one that Moron Joe Smith got raptured to, I hear he's a real asshole (plus he likes to keep all da white women to hisself)

    1. HedonismBot

      I learned yesterday that Utah has the highest percentage of internet porn users in the nation. I LdMAO.

  3. bumfug

    Last time this place hit the news it was because of big crowds of dead sheep. I guess the weird storm theory of bird deaths is about to go away now. How are the honey bees doing in Utah? Just wondering.

  4. OkieDokieDog

    Nothing to worry about folks, the US Government/Army and TeaParty Patriots have everything under control.

    Whatever is going on it will be either Obama's or Julian Assange's fault.

  5. undeterredbyreality

    I just gotta get this mashed potato sculpture into my station wagon and this weird music out of my head and I'll be there soon as I can. Don't start without me.

  6. bumfug

    Thanks Ken, they didn't mention this on the local news here in L.A. but in their defense there was a really gripping car chase going on.

    1. Negropolis

      Honestly, that's what America's waiting for, whether they'll vocalize it or not. Everyone just wants this sad decline to end, already, Old Yeller-style, if it ain't going to get better. Just have the army take over and be done with it.

      1. OneDollarJuana

        I tell ya. I've been waiting for the 1918 flu or similar pandemic. It probably will be our fault, though, since we just can't seem to get rid of things like samples of 1918 flu virus or smallpox virus, etc.

  7. YeOldeFapSmith

    I'm sure there's no cause for alarm. I bet the base is just having a slumber party! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to hoard booze and ammo before the biological agent wafts around Utah and the Mormon Zombie apocalypse begins.

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      wow, 'Mormon Zombie Apocalypse'…what an awesome name for a new band, preferably one to play us into the Great Rapture and whatever awesome planets/ star systems are waiting for us!!

    2. deanbooth

      It may look like a slumber party, but they're actually testing the power of the magic underwear.

  8. DoktorZoom

    Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh… everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here now, thank you…. How are you?

  9. e_z

    Zombie infestation….I knew it when I saw Michele Bachamnn's eye's in her Tea Bagging response to the state of the onion the other night and this just proves it.

  10. aguacatero

    In light of this incident, I will be safeguarding my precious bodily fluids tonight, and also denying women my essence.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I've been denying my essence to women for quite a while now, and frankly I'm really tired of this involuntary celibacy.

  11. Neilist_Returns

    What are you people worried about? The nerve gas toxins they were testing only attack brain issue. You folks are safe as houses.

    1. weejee

      This is a test of the Wonkette Broadcasting Network. This is only a test.

      Why do you so love your pig's leaf spring clip?

      This has been a test of the Wonkette Broadcasting Network. We return now to your routine Dugway sheeple blog gassing.

        1. SorosBot

          Well, he also wrote The Running Man in the 70s, which ended with (the book, not the movie) a guy destroying a skyscraper by flying a plane into it; so maybe.

  12. AtlanticCapers

    I find it curious that a Wonkette staffer just happens to be up at this hour. Just another convenient coincidence?

  13. mayor_quimby

    I was wondering what woke me up at 4am, it was a message from Layne.
    I'm not the first to say it, but time to buy ammo and booze…. Checking gun show listings for this weekend (notice how gun shows is one letter off from fun shows on your keyboard)

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      do we just get the ammo and booze or do we need those gun thingys too? and what size/ caliber, etc. would a beginner want? where the hell is Neilist when ya actually NEED him? as a peace-lovin' liberal I never had any desire/ need for a gun but hell if them Mormon Zombies is comin' fer my brains then I'm willin' to start shootin' (wait a minute, isn' Glennn Beckkk a Moromon? and didn't he just tell his zombie followers to start shootin' people in the head? awww, hell it's already started!)

  14. Negropolis

    So, "national terror alert" is what they are calling accidentially letting loose a cloud of toxic nerve gas, eh?

    EDIT: Hell, I was just joking but the tweets are saying a vial of gas is missing.

  15. LiveToServeYa

    Revenge of the Demon Sheep. "They killed all his friends. Now it's HIS turn." Sounds like a movie for MST3K…wait a minute…

  16. Negropolis

    Hell, meet handbasket; handbasket, meet hell. Now, hell, get in the handbasket. I'm not asking.

  17. BaldarTFlagass

    I've seen this movie. Rage, with George C. Scott. Or was it The Andromeda Strain? One had a happy ending, the other not so much, so I 'm gonna hold my bets.

  18. shirleyplz

    Where's TSA-1138's terror alert message?
    This matter is of no concern unless she does a report,

    There's a Stop & Shop salad recall, which could be fear hyped wonderfully by her sexy funny delivery- TSA 1138 we need you.

  19. Plowmon

    "Bleating and babbling we fell on his neck with a scream.
    Wave upon wave of demented avengers
    March cheerfully out of obscurity into the dream."

  20. vulpes82

    Wonketteers: Once the zombies start to horde, converge on Ken's Secret Desert Compound. This is what he's been planning for all along!

  21. mumbly_joe

    You know, if Jack Bauer were on the case, he would have found out by 5 or 6:00 that the missing nerve agent or whatever was actually linked to a massive conspiracy within the government itself.

    Or, if not, he would have just tortured people until someone told him that exact thing, since that's what he'd want to hear. Same difference, really.

    Point being, why is Wonkette letting itself get scooped by a fictional teevee character that actual real-life people frequently employ to rationalize committing crimes against humanity?

  22. Zvi_Bleindmeis

    "Skull Valley"? In Utah? Really? Next to a secret Army bioweapons lab facility?

    I give up. How's a nigga supposed to be sarcastic about current events when they are not only more hokey than a Hollywood film, they're hokier than a 1950s Hollywood B-movie?

    1. ttommyunger

      I don't know about today's issue, but in the 60's the needle on those things were a thick as the lead in a #2 pencil. Just as soon die from the Nerve Agent as from blood loss due to stab wound.

  23. LiveToServeYa

    It's all OK. The lockdown has been lifted. It turns out that terrorists had replaced a vial of nerve gas with a urine sample from Ozzy Ozbourne. Stupid move. They didn't realize the urine was actually deadlier.

  24. Weenus299

    We should lock the whole country down. We could all keep hold of our secrets, and we'd all be up with all the secrets. Finally – it would be us against the world. Remember the Alamo?

  25. GregComlish

    This is scary as hell. I recently attended a lecture on the Soviet Bioweapons Programme where a former engineer acknowledged creating unimaginably horrible diseases. They engineered a virus that would redirect the human autoimmune response back against the host. They tampered with deadly bacteria so that each bacterium would automatically created several copies of a deadly virus so when any antibiotic treatment ruptures the bacterial walls it unleashes a massive viral infection. The presenter had ten slides in a row discussing some of the ingenious/horrific ways that make deadly infections, far, far more lethal and contagious.

    This research was all done back in the 70s and 80s on a modest budget.

    Finally, when the presenter asked what countermeasures the Biodefense programme had developed against these new diseases, he said that Biodefense was an entirely separate department and that they weren't allowed to know about offensive capabilities for security reasons. Besides, Biodefense was, in his opinion, pointless because its a million times easier to create a new weapon than it is to create a cure.

    1. Ruhe

      Well, thanks for that. Bright side, I guess, is that a serious security breach or inventory fuck-up at one of these facilities could be just the catalyst we need to get people behind the idea of seriously cutting the defense budget.

  26. cj4

    A million internet dollars to someone who changes a road construction sign in the vicinity to say "Warning: Zombies Ahead."

  27. donner_froh

    Thousands of dead sheep. Why would anyone try to grow sheep next to a death cloud factory in a place named Skull Valley? Those woolly critters never had a chance.

  28. teebob2000

    Latest Twitter update:

    oh my god… the gas… coming in… must… stop… somehow… must… block… vent… cant breath… gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

    It probably stopped there only due to the 140 character limit. Looks bad.

  29. mumbly_joe

    Yeah, I'm sure this incredibly secretive and bizarre lockdown was because of some issue with one of them there conventional military weapons. Things like that happen all the time, after all, in the same US military that still doesn't really know where 80% of the "bomb Afghanistan" money and weapons actually went and doesn't seem terribly concerned about that.

  30. Ruhe

    I know you're right. It's like being a Kenyan Muslin Manchurian President. No matter what you say or do or present to prove that you're not you're really just strengthening the argument that you are. Is there a word or phrase that describes this phenomenon, where a system develops in such a way that it always tends toward some crazy maximum state regardless of the value of the inputs?

  31. Dashboard_Jesus

    thanks, of course my thoughts exactly…and sadly that probably will be the ONLY way we ever get universal healthcare, when the military-industrial complex takes over the universe! (I bet Lockheed-Martin employees have GREAT health care, paid for by US taxpayers of course, fucking SOCIALISTS!)

  32. Dashboard_Jesus

    yeehaw, the return of Neilist! but I still hate guns, especially if'n the Snowbilly retard is allowed to use 'em…also :)

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