Gah.Dugway Proving Ground, a massive Army base in Utah along the border with Nevada, has been under lockdown for many hours now because of some kind of “national terror alert” to “resolve security issues.” Dugway is a bioweapons lab and supposedly home to secret military aerial projects. More than 6,300 sheep died near the proving ground in 1968 when a cloud of “nerve agent” hit the livestock herds in Skull Valley. Dugway is also where the U.S. Government has been testing weaponized Anthrax as recently as 1998. The Twitter feed tonight is kind of terrifying.

Seven hours after the lockdown and there’s still no explanation.

Gah, anyway, we have no idea what’s going on. The police scanners in the area are no longer operating — not the web streams, anyway — and the Twitter is filled with local reporters asking for information from anybody. There are 2,000 people locked down on the base, apparently. [Salt Lake Tribune]

UPDATE: As of Thursday morning, the lockdown has ended but the whole thing remains a Total Mystery, as the Army won’t say what happened. [Salt Lake Tribune]

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  • CrankyLttlCamperette

    Well, shit. It's not like I wasn't ALREADY having trouble sleeping…

    • smokefilledroommate

      Just count dead sheep..

      • OneDollarJuana

        Man, I had my best night of sleep in months last night! Musta been something in the air?

  • Any reports of a tall dark man in cowboy boots shedding raven feathers while walking down a lonesome dusty highway nearby?

    • Terry

      All the time Jamey Sheridan was on Law and Order, I kept expecting him to morph into a demon when he got mad.

    • SorosBot

      No, but I had a strange dream about an extremely old black woman on a corn farm last night.

      • Whatever

        Me too. How strange.
        Guess it's time to limber up the scooter and go on a trip.

        Hey, was that Molly Ringwald on a motorcycle I just saw go by?

    • HedonismBot

      He once saved a baby from drowning. There are those who say, beneath his coat… there are wings.

    • no but there was a report last week about a fireball in philly i think…might want to keep an eye out for "trashy" and his pyrotechnical special effects…

      smh i should just get laid it would save keystrokes…

    • Ruhe

      Tolkien and Star Wars geeks have got nothing on you King freaks.

      • SorosBot

        Hey now, some of us are geeks for all of 'em.

        • Beowoof

          I hate to admit it but I am a geek for of them.

      • I am surprised no one has implicated the Cigarette Smoking Man.

    • mattbenzing

      My only question is, baby, can you dig your man?

      • surely thats man spelled M-O-O-N.
        All day folks…
        Goes back to reading the Talisman….and her milk and cookies

  • SayItWithWookies

    So? What's so dangerous about testing those dweeby motorized scooters? Maybe someone fell off the damn thing and broke a tooth, but he's not running the country anymore, so he can get his own ride to the damn emergency room.

  • Dashboard_Jesus

    of course this takes place in Utah, home of the 'true' believers…thank gawd (the Mormon/ Moron gawd, not the Joo gawd!) the aliens have finally come to rescue/ annihilate us and take us out of our misery…I hope the Moroni Angels give me my very own planet, and it better not be the same one that Moron Joe Smith got raptured to, I hear he's a real asshole (plus he likes to keep all da white women to hisself)

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      oh, and I'm drunk…also :)

    • HedonismBot

      I learned yesterday that Utah has the highest percentage of internet porn users in the nation. I LdMAO.

      • Terry

        Secret drinkers, probably, too.

  • bumfug

    Last time this place hit the news it was because of big crowds of dead sheep. I guess the weird storm theory of bird deaths is about to go away now. How are the honey bees doing in Utah? Just wondering.

  • OkieDokieDog

    Nothing to worry about folks, the US Government/Army and TeaParty Patriots have everything under control.

    Whatever is going on it will be either Obama's or Julian Assange's fault.

  • undeterredbyreality

    I just gotta get this mashed potato sculpture into my station wagon and this weird music out of my head and I'll be there soon as I can. Don't start without me.

  • DoktorZoom

    Has anyone checked the whereabouts of Richard Dreyfus? The Mothership is about to land.

  • Dugway Bioweapons Army Base

    Isn't this a a secret bonus level in Mario Brothers?

    • smokefilledroommate


    • GOPCrusher

      Resident Evil

  • bumfug

    Thanks Ken, they didn't mention this on the local news here in L.A. but in their defense there was a really gripping car chase going on.

  • Frost/Nixon/Robocop

    Does anyone smell waffles?

  • Is it weird that my first reaction to this is "Finally! Let's burn this motherfucker down!"

    • emmelemm

      That was my thought too. "Let's get some apocalypse up in this bitch!"

    • Negropolis

      Honestly, that's what America's waiting for, whether they'll vocalize it or not. Everyone just wants this sad decline to end, already, Old Yeller-style, if it ain't going to get better. Just have the army take over and be done with it.

      • GregComlish

        Yeah, I bet that guy calling for Christian Dictatorship is totally stoked at this news.

      • OneDollarJuana

        I tell ya. I've been waiting for the 1918 flu or similar pandemic. It probably will be our fault, though, since we just can't seem to get rid of things like samples of 1918 flu virus or smallpox virus, etc.

  • YeOldeFapSmith

    I'm sure there's no cause for alarm. I bet the base is just having a slumber party! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to hoard booze and ammo before the biological agent wafts around Utah and the Mormon Zombie apocalypse begins.

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      wow, 'Mormon Zombie Apocalypse'…what an awesome name for a new band, preferably one to play us into the Great Rapture and whatever awesome planets/ star systems are waiting for us!!

    • deanbooth

      It may look like a slumber party, but they're actually testing the power of the magic underwear.

  • undeterredbyreality

    They've shut down the twitter page now… Damn you Daring Fireball.

  • smokefilledroommate

    Weird and creepy. Utah Silkwood shower please..

  • Troubledog

    My god, there's been a mishap at the burrito aquarium lab!

  • BeWoot


  • DoktorZoom

    Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh… everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here now, thank you…. How are you?

    • emmelemm

      Boring conversation anyway.

  • e_z

    Zombie infestation….I knew it when I saw Michele Bachamnn's eye's in her Tea Bagging response to the state of the onion the other night and this just proves it.

    • Rule # 1: Cardio.

    • If the teabaggers turn into zombies, does that mean they will no longer have disdain for those of us with braaaains?

  • aguacatero

    In light of this incident, I will be safeguarding my precious bodily fluids tonight, and also denying women my essence.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I've been denying my essence to women for quite a while now, and frankly I'm really tired of this involuntary celibacy.

      • Terry

        Maybe it's your pet cat shark that's scaring them off.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          They love him till he meows.

    • ttommyunger

      Did not know you were in the Air Farce, thank you for your service, sir.

  • Neilist_Returns

    What are you people worried about? The nerve gas toxins they were testing only attack brain issue. You folks are safe as houses.

    • smokefilledroommate

      Neilist does have a brain issue, but I call impostor!

    • Terry

      Welcome back!

    • DashboardBuddha

      Hello Neil, you magnificent bastard.

    • This is a test of the Wonkette Broadcasting Network. This is only a test.

      Why do you so love your pig's leaf spring clip?

      This has been a test of the Wonkette Broadcasting Network. We return now to your routine Dugway sheeple blog gassing.

    • CrankyLttlCamperette

      Well look who comes walking in…!

  • aguacatero

    The only theme song for this story:

    • SorosBot

      No, this is the only theme song:

      • Dashboard_Jesus

        cool, very appropriate I'd say, maybe Steve King is psychic?

        • SorosBot

          Well, he also wrote The Running Man in the 70s, which ended with (the book, not the movie) a guy destroying a skyscraper by flying a plane into it; so maybe.

  • AtlanticCapers

    I find it curious that a Wonkette staffer just happens to be up at this hour. Just another convenient coincidence?

  • and now no new comments in the last 52 minutes, the plot thickens…

    someone get me a drink of grain alcohol and rain water. let's get this party started.

  • mayor_quimby

    I was wondering what woke me up at 4am, it was a message from Layne.
    I'm not the first to say it, but time to buy ammo and booze…. Checking gun show listings for this weekend (notice how gun shows is one letter off from fun shows on your keyboard)

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      do we just get the ammo and booze or do we need those gun thingys too? and what size/ caliber, etc. would a beginner want? where the hell is Neilist when ya actually NEED him? as a peace-lovin' liberal I never had any desire/ need for a gun but hell if them Mormon Zombies is comin' fer my brains then I'm willin' to start shootin' (wait a minute, isn' Glennn Beckkk a Moromon? and didn't he just tell his zombie followers to start shootin' people in the head? awww, hell it's already started!)

  • Negropolis

    So, "national terror alert" is what they are calling accidentially letting loose a cloud of toxic nerve gas, eh?

    EDIT: Hell, I was just joking but the tweets are saying a vial of gas is missing.

  • LiveToServeYa

    Revenge of the Demon Sheep. "They killed all his friends. Now it's HIS turn." Sounds like a movie for MST3K…wait a minute…

  • mumbly_joe

    Are we winning the future yet?

    • Negropolis


    • natoslug

      No, but we are fucking that chicken.

  • Negropolis

    Hell, meet handbasket; handbasket, meet hell. Now, hell, get in the handbasket. I'm not asking.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I've seen this movie. Rage, with George C. Scott. Or was it The Andromeda Strain? One had a happy ending, the other not so much, so I 'm gonna hold my bets.

  • shirleyplz

    Where's TSA-1138's terror alert message?
    This matter is of no concern unless she does a report,

    There's a Stop & Shop salad recall, which could be fear hyped wonderfully by her sexy funny delivery- TSA 1138 we need you.

  • Naked_Bunny

    Do Mormons Dream of Nerve-Gassed Sheep?

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      fucking WIN! (just got done watchin' Blade Runner for the 10th time last night!)

  • Plowmon

    "Bleating and babbling we fell on his neck with a scream.
    Wave upon wave of demented avengers
    March cheerfully out of obscurity into the dream."

  • vulpes82

    Wonketteers: Once the zombies start to horde, converge on Ken's Secret Desert Compound. This is what he's been planning for all along!

  • Terry

    The first chapter of The Stand?

    Does anyone hear a song by Blue Oyster Cult playing?

  • mumbly_joe

    You know, if Jack Bauer were on the case, he would have found out by 5 or 6:00 that the missing nerve agent or whatever was actually linked to a massive conspiracy within the government itself.

    Or, if not, he would have just tortured people until someone told him that exact thing, since that's what he'd want to hear. Same difference, really.

    Point being, why is Wonkette letting itself get scooped by a fictional teevee character that actual real-life people frequently employ to rationalize committing crimes against humanity?

    • e_z

      Hell, Beck will "prove" Soros is the mastermind…

      • mumbly_joe

        Soros… he was the guy from season 6, right?

  • metamarcisf

    What does this have to do with lion-based meat extenders at Taco Bell?

    • PubOption

      Sweeps week on the TV news?

  • rocktonsam

    Did Dick Cheney get a heart?

    • HedonismBot


  • doxastic

    If movies taught me anything, it's that this is how zombies are made.

  • "Skull Valley"? In Utah? Really? Next to a secret Army bioweapons lab facility?

    I give up. How's a nigga supposed to be sarcastic about current events when they are not only more hokey than a Hollywood film, they're hokier than a 1950s Hollywood B-movie?

    • Weenus299

      Indeed, the Air Farce would've gotten away with it, had it not been for some meddling kids.

    • SorosBot

      The lab is overseen by a General Hank Disaster, and the head of research is Doctor Mike Deth.

  • What no Captain Tripps?

  • lefty74

    A lot of people are holding their breath on this deal.

    • spinozasgod

      if people in Utah have been holding teir breath for a long time, that would explain a lot.

  • They were testing an agent distilled from the bile of Michele Bachmann. Will Wonkbot be distributing atropine injectors?

    • ttommyunger

      I don't know about today's issue, but in the 60's the needle on those things were a thick as the lead in a #2 pencil. Just as soon die from the Nerve Agent as from blood loss due to stab wound.

    • spinozasgod

      that's the BIBLE of Michele Bachmann…..

  • LiveToServeYa

    It's all OK. The lockdown has been lifted. It turns out that terrorists had replaced a vial of nerve gas with a urine sample from Ozzy Ozbourne. Stupid move. They didn't realize the urine was actually deadlier.

  • Weenus299

    We should lock the whole country down. We could all keep hold of our secrets, and we'd all be up with all the secrets. Finally – it would be us against the world. Remember the Alamo?

    • spinozasgod

      we should all rent cars???

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      if I remember the Alamo didn't turn out all that well either?

  • DaSandman

    There goes the neighborhood. And I mean there GOES the neighborhood. Like BOOM! See ya…

  • GregComlish

    This is scary as hell. I recently attended a lecture on the Soviet Bioweapons Programme where a former engineer acknowledged creating unimaginably horrible diseases. They engineered a virus that would redirect the human autoimmune response back against the host. They tampered with deadly bacteria so that each bacterium would automatically created several copies of a deadly virus so when any antibiotic treatment ruptures the bacterial walls it unleashes a massive viral infection. The presenter had ten slides in a row discussing some of the ingenious/horrific ways that make deadly infections, far, far more lethal and contagious.

    This research was all done back in the 70s and 80s on a modest budget.

    Finally, when the presenter asked what countermeasures the Biodefense programme had developed against these new diseases, he said that Biodefense was an entirely separate department and that they weren't allowed to know about offensive capabilities for security reasons. Besides, Biodefense was, in his opinion, pointless because its a million times easier to create a new weapon than it is to create a cure.

    • Ruhe

      Well, thanks for that. Bright side, I guess, is that a serious security breach or inventory fuck-up at one of these facilities could be just the catalyst we need to get people behind the idea of seriously cutting the defense budget.

  • Didn't we invade Iraq to prevent exactly this kind of shit? Time to invade Utah.

  • cj4

    A million internet dollars to someone who changes a road construction sign in the vicinity to say "Warning: Zombies Ahead."

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Maybe they finally re-discovered Angel Moroni and Joseph's Golden Plates?

    • aguacatero

      Cmon we're trying to stay reality-based here. Zombies are at least possible.

  • Golfing_OJ

    Needs moar chupacabras.

  • Sorry, I already read about Plum Island Animal Research lab. I am terrified enough already

  • Thousands of dead sheep. Why would anyone try to grow sheep next to a death cloud factory in a place named Skull Valley? Those woolly critters never had a chance.

  • ttommyunger

    The Special Mormon Skivvies will protect us.

  • teebob2000

    Latest Twitter update:

    oh my god… the gas… coming in… must… stop… somehow… must… block… vent… cant breath… gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

    It probably stopped there only due to the 140 character limit. Looks bad.

  • OneDollarJuana

    Twitter's blocked in Egypt, too. Coincidence?

  • MinAgain

    Is this the episode where Krycek kisses Mulder?

  • Imagine the confusion when Mulder, Sculley, Dale Cooper and Jack Bauer all burst in on Benjamin Linus in the control room screaming "Federal Agent!!"

  • The military gave the all-clear after determining that he who smelled it had, in fact, dealt it.

  • NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    Like the US Mil Spec Anthrax used for intimidation after the 9/11 scam?

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