REMAIN CALM OR FREAK OUT  1:52 am January 27, 2011

Dugway Bioweapons Army Base Under Weird Lockdown

by Ken Layne

Gah.Dugway Proving Ground, a massive Army base in Utah along the border with Nevada, has been under lockdown for many hours now because of some kind of “national terror alert” to “resolve security issues.” Dugway is a bioweapons lab and supposedly home to secret military aerial projects. More than 6,300 sheep died near the proving ground in 1968 when a cloud of “nerve agent” hit the livestock herds in Skull Valley. Dugway is also where the U.S. Government has been testing weaponized Anthrax as recently as 1998. The Twitter feed tonight is kind of terrifying.

Seven hours after the lockdown and there’s still no explanation.

Gah, anyway, we have no idea what’s going on. The police scanners in the area are no longer operating — not the web streams, anyway — and the Twitter is filled with local reporters asking for information from anybody. There are 2,000 people locked down on the base, apparently. [Salt Lake Tribune]

UPDATE: As of Thursday morning, the lockdown has ended but the whole thing remains a Total Mystery, as the Army won’t say what happened. [Salt Lake Tribune]

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Hola wonkerados.

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CrankyLttlCamperette January 27, 2011 at 2:04 am

Well, shit. It's not like I wasn't ALREADY having trouble sleeping…

smokefilledroommate January 27, 2011 at 2:54 am

Just count dead sheep..

OneDollarJuana January 27, 2011 at 10:52 am

Man, I had my best night of sleep in months last night! Musta been something in the air?

imissopus January 27, 2011 at 2:04 am

Any reports of a tall dark man in cowboy boots shedding raven feathers while walking down a lonesome dusty highway nearby?

Terry January 27, 2011 at 7:40 am

All the time Jamey Sheridan was on Law and Order, I kept expecting him to morph into a demon when he got mad.

SorosBot January 27, 2011 at 8:42 am

No, but I had a strange dream about an extremely old black woman on a corn farm last night.

Whatever January 27, 2011 at 8:45 am

Me too. How strange.
Guess it's time to limber up the scooter and go on a trip.

Hey, was that Molly Ringwald on a motorcycle I just saw go by?

HedonismBot January 27, 2011 at 8:52 am

He once saved a baby from drowning. There are those who say, beneath his coat… there are wings.

Beattitudes January 27, 2011 at 9:03 am

no but there was a report last week about a fireball in philly i think…might want to keep an eye out for "trashy" and his pyrotechnical special effects…

smh i should just get laid it would save keystrokes…

Ruhe January 27, 2011 at 9:23 am

Tolkien and Star Wars geeks have got nothing on you King freaks.

SorosBot January 27, 2011 at 9:47 am

Hey now, some of us are geeks for all of 'em.

Beowoof January 27, 2011 at 10:51 am

I hate to admit it but I am a geek for of them.

sweetcommunist January 27, 2011 at 12:28 pm

I am surprised no one has implicated the Cigarette Smoking Man.

mattbenzing January 27, 2011 at 10:42 am

My only question is, baby, can you dig your man?

Beattitudes January 27, 2011 at 11:03 am

surely thats man spelled M-O-O-N.
All day folks…
Goes back to reading the Talisman….and her milk and cookies

SayItWithWookies January 27, 2011 at 2:09 am

So? What's so dangerous about testing those dweeby motorized scooters? Maybe someone fell off the damn thing and broke a tooth, but he's not running the country anymore, so he can get his own ride to the damn emergency room.

Dashboard_Jesus January 27, 2011 at 2:14 am

of course this takes place in Utah, home of the 'true' believers…thank gawd (the Mormon/ Moron gawd, not the Joo gawd!) the aliens have finally come to rescue/ annihilate us and take us out of our misery…I hope the Moroni Angels give me my very own planet, and it better not be the same one that Moron Joe Smith got raptured to, I hear he's a real asshole (plus he likes to keep all da white women to hisself)

Dashboard_Jesus January 27, 2011 at 2:22 am

oh, and I'm drunk…also :)

HedonismBot January 27, 2011 at 6:49 am

I learned yesterday that Utah has the highest percentage of internet porn users in the nation. I LdMAO.

Terry January 27, 2011 at 7:41 am

Secret drinkers, probably, too.

bumfug January 27, 2011 at 2:15 am

Last time this place hit the news it was because of big crowds of dead sheep. I guess the weird storm theory of bird deaths is about to go away now. How are the honey bees doing in Utah? Just wondering.

OkieDokieDog January 27, 2011 at 2:22 am

Nothing to worry about folks, the US Government/Army and TeaParty Patriots have everything under control.

Whatever is going on it will be either Obama's or Julian Assange's fault.

undeterredbyreality January 27, 2011 at 2:22 am

I just gotta get this mashed potato sculpture into my station wagon and this weird music out of my head and I'll be there soon as I can. Don't start without me.

DoktorZoom January 27, 2011 at 2:22 am

Has anyone checked the whereabouts of Richard Dreyfus? The Mothership is about to land.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 27, 2011 at 2:24 am

Dugway Bioweapons Army Base

Isn't this a a secret bonus level in Mario Brothers?

smokefilledroommate January 27, 2011 at 3:32 am


GOPCrusher January 27, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Resident Evil

bumfug January 27, 2011 at 2:25 am

Thanks Ken, they didn't mention this on the local news here in L.A. but in their defense there was a really gripping car chase going on.

Frost/Nixon/Robocop January 27, 2011 at 2:31 am

Does anyone smell waffles?

imissopus January 27, 2011 at 2:35 am

Is it weird that my first reaction to this is "Finally! Let's burn this motherfucker down!"

emmelemm January 27, 2011 at 2:50 am

That was my thought too. "Let's get some apocalypse up in this bitch!"

Negropolis January 27, 2011 at 7:01 am

Honestly, that's what America's waiting for, whether they'll vocalize it or not. Everyone just wants this sad decline to end, already, Old Yeller-style, if it ain't going to get better. Just have the army take over and be done with it.

GregComlish January 27, 2011 at 9:22 am

Yeah, I bet that guy calling for Christian Dictatorship is totally stoked at this news.

OneDollarJuana January 27, 2011 at 10:58 am

I tell ya. I've been waiting for the 1918 flu or similar pandemic. It probably will be our fault, though, since we just can't seem to get rid of things like samples of 1918 flu virus or smallpox virus, etc.

YeOldeFapSmith January 27, 2011 at 2:35 am

I'm sure there's no cause for alarm. I bet the base is just having a slumber party! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to hoard booze and ammo before the biological agent wafts around Utah and the Mormon Zombie apocalypse begins.

Dashboard_Jesus January 27, 2011 at 2:30 pm

wow, 'Mormon Zombie Apocalypse'…what an awesome name for a new band, preferably one to play us into the Great Rapture and whatever awesome planets/ star systems are waiting for us!!

deanbooth January 27, 2011 at 4:41 pm

It may look like a slumber party, but they're actually testing the power of the magic underwear.

undeterredbyreality January 27, 2011 at 2:38 am

They've shut down the twitter page now… Damn you Daring Fireball.

smokefilledroommate January 27, 2011 at 2:41 am

Weird and creepy. Utah Silkwood shower please..

Troubledog January 27, 2011 at 2:51 am

My god, there's been a mishap at the burrito aquarium lab!

BeWoot January 27, 2011 at 3:07 am


DoktorZoom January 27, 2011 at 3:07 am

Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh… everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here now, thank you…. How are you?

emmelemm January 27, 2011 at 3:28 am

Boring conversation anyway.

e_z January 27, 2011 at 3:19 am

Zombie infestation….I knew it when I saw Michele Bachamnn's eye's in her Tea Bagging response to the state of the onion the other night and this just proves it.

RunnyRose January 27, 2011 at 8:27 am

Rule # 1: Cardio.

sweetcommunist January 27, 2011 at 12:37 pm

If the teabaggers turn into zombies, does that mean they will no longer have disdain for those of us with braaaains?

aguacatero January 27, 2011 at 3:20 am

In light of this incident, I will be safeguarding my precious bodily fluids tonight, and also denying women my essence.

BaldarTFlagass January 27, 2011 at 6:50 am

I've been denying my essence to women for quite a while now, and frankly I'm really tired of this involuntary celibacy.

Terry January 27, 2011 at 7:42 am

Maybe it's your pet cat shark that's scaring them off.

BaldarTFlagass January 27, 2011 at 7:55 am

They love him till he meows.

ttommyunger January 27, 2011 at 10:24 am

Did not know you were in the Air Farce, thank you for your service, sir.

Neilist_Returns January 27, 2011 at 3:21 am

What are you people worried about? The nerve gas toxins they were testing only attack brain issue. You folks are safe as houses.

smokefilledroommate January 27, 2011 at 3:23 am

Neilist does have a brain issue, but I call impostor!

Terry January 27, 2011 at 7:42 am

Welcome back!

DashboardBuddha January 27, 2011 at 7:56 am

Hello Neil, you magnificent bastard.

weejee January 27, 2011 at 8:59 am

This is a test of the Wonkette Broadcasting Network. This is only a test.

Why do you so love your pig's leaf spring clip?

This has been a test of the Wonkette Broadcasting Network. We return now to your routine Dugway sheeple blog gassing.

CrankyLttlCamperette January 27, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Well look who comes walking in…!

aguacatero January 27, 2011 at 3:30 am

The only theme song for this story:

SorosBot January 27, 2011 at 8:04 am

No, this is the only theme song:

Dashboard_Jesus January 27, 2011 at 2:34 pm

cool, very appropriate I'd say, maybe Steve King is psychic?

SorosBot January 27, 2011 at 7:37 pm

Well, he also wrote The Running Man in the 70s, which ended with (the book, not the movie) a guy destroying a skyscraper by flying a plane into it; so maybe.

AtlanticCapers January 27, 2011 at 4:00 am

I find it curious that a Wonkette staffer just happens to be up at this hour. Just another convenient coincidence?

NorbertsRevenge January 27, 2011 at 4:55 am

and now no new comments in the last 52 minutes, the plot thickens…

someone get me a drink of grain alcohol and rain water. let's get this party started.

mayor_quimby January 27, 2011 at 5:30 am

I was wondering what woke me up at 4am, it was a message from Layne.
I'm not the first to say it, but time to buy ammo and booze…. Checking gun show listings for this weekend (notice how gun shows is one letter off from fun shows on your keyboard)

Dashboard_Jesus January 27, 2011 at 3:00 pm

do we just get the ammo and booze or do we need those gun thingys too? and what size/ caliber, etc. would a beginner want? where the hell is Neilist when ya actually NEED him? as a peace-lovin' liberal I never had any desire/ need for a gun but hell if them Mormon Zombies is comin' fer my brains then I'm willin' to start shootin' (wait a minute, isn' Glennn Beckkk a Moromon? and didn't he just tell his zombie followers to start shootin' people in the head? awww, hell it's already started!)

Negropolis January 27, 2011 at 6:18 am

So, "national terror alert" is what they are calling accidentially letting loose a cloud of toxic nerve gas, eh?

EDIT: Hell, I was just joking but the tweets are saying a vial of gas is missing.

LiveToServeYa January 27, 2011 at 6:27 am

Revenge of the Demon Sheep. "They killed all his friends. Now it's HIS turn." Sounds like a movie for MST3K…wait a minute…

mumbly_joe January 27, 2011 at 6:29 am

Are we winning the future yet?

Negropolis January 27, 2011 at 6:43 am


natoslug January 27, 2011 at 3:19 pm

No, but we are fucking that chicken.

Negropolis January 27, 2011 at 6:45 am

Hell, meet handbasket; handbasket, meet hell. Now, hell, get in the handbasket. I'm not asking.

BaldarTFlagass January 27, 2011 at 6:57 am

I've seen this movie. Rage, with George C. Scott. Or was it The Andromeda Strain? One had a happy ending, the other not so much, so I 'm gonna hold my bets.

shirleyplz January 27, 2011 at 7:05 am

Where's TSA-1138's terror alert message?
This matter is of no concern unless she does a report,

There's a Stop & Shop salad recall, which could be fear hyped wonderfully by her sexy funny delivery- TSA 1138 we need you.

Naked_Bunny January 27, 2011 at 7:12 am

Do Mormons Dream of Nerve-Gassed Sheep?

Dashboard_Jesus January 27, 2011 at 3:03 pm

fucking WIN! (just got done watchin' Blade Runner for the 10th time last night!)

Plowmon January 27, 2011 at 7:21 am

"Bleating and babbling we fell on his neck with a scream.
Wave upon wave of demented avengers
March cheerfully out of obscurity into the dream."

vulpes82 January 27, 2011 at 7:28 am

Wonketteers: Once the zombies start to horde, converge on Ken's Secret Desert Compound. This is what he's been planning for all along!

Terry January 27, 2011 at 7:38 am

The first chapter of The Stand?

Does anyone hear a song by Blue Oyster Cult playing?

mumbly_joe January 27, 2011 at 7:38 am

You know, if Jack Bauer were on the case, he would have found out by 5 or 6:00 that the missing nerve agent or whatever was actually linked to a massive conspiracy within the government itself.

Or, if not, he would have just tortured people until someone told him that exact thing, since that's what he'd want to hear. Same difference, really.

Point being, why is Wonkette letting itself get scooped by a fictional teevee character that actual real-life people frequently employ to rationalize committing crimes against humanity?

e_z January 27, 2011 at 9:39 am

Hell, Beck will "prove" Soros is the mastermind…

mumbly_joe January 27, 2011 at 9:46 am

Soros… he was the guy from season 6, right?

metamarcisf January 27, 2011 at 7:47 am

What does this have to do with lion-based meat extenders at Taco Bell?

PubOption January 27, 2011 at 8:58 am

Sweeps week on the TV news?

rocktonsam January 27, 2011 at 7:51 am

Did Dick Cheney get a heart?

HedonismBot January 27, 2011 at 8:43 am


doxastic January 27, 2011 at 8:09 am

If movies taught me anything, it's that this is how zombies are made.

Zvi_Bleindmeis January 27, 2011 at 8:20 am

"Skull Valley"? In Utah? Really? Next to a secret Army bioweapons lab facility?

I give up. How's a nigga supposed to be sarcastic about current events when they are not only more hokey than a Hollywood film, they're hokier than a 1950s Hollywood B-movie?

Weenus299 January 27, 2011 at 9:01 am

Indeed, the Air Farce would've gotten away with it, had it not been for some meddling kids.

SorosBot January 27, 2011 at 9:18 am

The lab is overseen by a General Hank Disaster, and the head of research is Doctor Mike Deth.

ManchuCandidate January 27, 2011 at 8:29 am

What no Captain Tripps?

lefty74 January 27, 2011 at 8:35 am

A lot of people are holding their breath on this deal.

spinozasgod January 27, 2011 at 12:54 pm

if people in Utah have been holding teir breath for a long time, that would explain a lot.

weejee January 27, 2011 at 8:51 am

They were testing an agent distilled from the bile of Michele Bachmann. Will Wonkbot be distributing atropine injectors?

ttommyunger January 27, 2011 at 10:28 am

I don't know about today's issue, but in the 60's the needle on those things were a thick as the lead in a #2 pencil. Just as soon die from the Nerve Agent as from blood loss due to stab wound.

spinozasgod January 27, 2011 at 12:55 pm

that's the BIBLE of Michele Bachmann…..

LiveToServeYa January 27, 2011 at 8:55 am

It's all OK. The lockdown has been lifted. It turns out that terrorists had replaced a vial of nerve gas with a urine sample from Ozzy Ozbourne. Stupid move. They didn't realize the urine was actually deadlier.

Weenus299 January 27, 2011 at 9:00 am

We should lock the whole country down. We could all keep hold of our secrets, and we'd all be up with all the secrets. Finally – it would be us against the world. Remember the Alamo?

spinozasgod January 27, 2011 at 12:56 pm

we should all rent cars???

Dashboard_Jesus January 27, 2011 at 3:07 pm

if I remember the Alamo didn't turn out all that well either?

DaSandman January 27, 2011 at 9:10 am

There goes the neighborhood. And I mean there GOES the neighborhood. Like BOOM! See ya…

GregComlish January 27, 2011 at 9:12 am

This is scary as hell. I recently attended a lecture on the Soviet Bioweapons Programme where a former engineer acknowledged creating unimaginably horrible diseases. They engineered a virus that would redirect the human autoimmune response back against the host. They tampered with deadly bacteria so that each bacterium would automatically created several copies of a deadly virus so when any antibiotic treatment ruptures the bacterial walls it unleashes a massive viral infection. The presenter had ten slides in a row discussing some of the ingenious/horrific ways that make deadly infections, far, far more lethal and contagious.

This research was all done back in the 70s and 80s on a modest budget.

Finally, when the presenter asked what countermeasures the Biodefense programme had developed against these new diseases, he said that Biodefense was an entirely separate department and that they weren't allowed to know about offensive capabilities for security reasons. Besides, Biodefense was, in his opinion, pointless because its a million times easier to create a new weapon than it is to create a cure.

Ruhe January 27, 2011 at 9:31 am

Well, thanks for that. Bright side, I guess, is that a serious security breach or inventory fuck-up at one of these facilities could be just the catalyst we need to get people behind the idea of seriously cutting the defense budget.

harry_palmer January 27, 2011 at 9:16 am

Didn't we invade Iraq to prevent exactly this kind of shit? Time to invade Utah.

cj4 January 27, 2011 at 9:23 am

A million internet dollars to someone who changes a road construction sign in the vicinity to say "Warning: Zombies Ahead."

OC_Surf_Serf January 27, 2011 at 9:33 am

Maybe they finally re-discovered Angel Moroni and Joseph's Golden Plates?

aguacatero January 27, 2011 at 11:02 am

Cmon we're trying to stay reality-based here. Zombies are at least possible.

Golfing_OJ January 27, 2011 at 9:50 am

Needs moar chupacabras.

Maman January 27, 2011 at 9:51 am

Sorry, I already read about Plum Island Animal Research lab. I am terrified enough already

donner_froh January 27, 2011 at 9:59 am

Thousands of dead sheep. Why would anyone try to grow sheep next to a death cloud factory in a place named Skull Valley? Those woolly critters never had a chance.

ttommyunger January 27, 2011 at 10:30 am

The Special Mormon Skivvies will protect us.

teebob2000 January 27, 2011 at 10:52 am

Latest Twitter update:

oh my god… the gas… coming in… must… stop… somehow… must… block… vent… cant breath… gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

It probably stopped there only due to the 140 character limit. Looks bad.

OneDollarJuana January 27, 2011 at 11:05 am

Twitter's blocked in Egypt, too. Coincidence?

MinAgain January 27, 2011 at 11:51 am

Is this the episode where Krycek kisses Mulder?

Chet Kincaid January 27, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Imagine the confusion when Mulder, Sculley, Dale Cooper and Jack Bauer all burst in on Benjamin Linus in the control room screaming "Federal Agent!!"

Chet Kincaid January 27, 2011 at 1:22 pm

The military gave the all-clear after determining that he who smelled it had, in fact, dealt it.

NadePaulKuciGravMcKi January 28, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Like the US Mil Spec Anthrax used for intimidation after the 9/11 scam?

Terry January 27, 2011 at 9:35 am

They're secret dancers, at least the Southern ones.

mumbly_joe January 27, 2011 at 9:49 am

Yeah, I'm sure this incredibly secretive and bizarre lockdown was because of some issue with one of them there conventional military weapons. Things like that happen all the time, after all, in the same US military that still doesn't really know where 80% of the "bomb Afghanistan" money and weapons actually went and doesn't seem terribly concerned about that.

Ruhe January 27, 2011 at 10:26 am

I know you're right. It's like being a Kenyan Muslin Manchurian President. No matter what you say or do or present to prove that you're not you're really just strengthening the argument that you are. Is there a word or phrase that describes this phenomenon, where a system develops in such a way that it always tends toward some crazy maximum state regardless of the value of the inputs?

Dashboard_Jesus January 27, 2011 at 3:11 pm

thanks, of course my thoughts exactly…and sadly that probably will be the ONLY way we ever get universal healthcare, when the military-industrial complex takes over the universe! (I bet Lockheed-Martin employees have GREAT health care, paid for by US taxpayers of course, fucking SOCIALISTS!)

Dashboard_Jesus January 28, 2011 at 2:49 am

yeehaw, the return of Neilist! but I still hate guns, especially if'n the Snowbilly retard is allowed to use 'em…also :)

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