WINNING THE FUTURE  4:15 pm January 26, 2011

Man With Pencil: Christians Should Abandon Democracy, Support Dictator

by Jack Stuef


Look, sooner or later, the evangelical Christians were going to lose out on this democracy thing. There’s just not enough of them for their views to supersede the desired liberties of the majority. If they want to hold on to power, they’re going to have to return to their roots by supporting a new dictatorship. And the man with the pencil will be just the one to do it.

Obviously, we which all voters were informed. And by informed, we mean they’ve read the Christ’s List slate of endorsements and will vote as they are told. These are what we call “smart voters.” As for the voters who don’t give a “hoot” when you want them to? These are what we call “owls.”

Smart voters, if they are heterosexual, do not care about being able to have a heterosexual relationship. “If it’s best for society to ban straight sex and only allow sex with robots who have been sprayed with holy water, that is how I will vote.” Wanting to have sex with a member of the opposite sex is mere adolescent self-absorption.

(What does “S.T.B.” stand for? “Stalin Ticonderoga Bro”?) [Videogum]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 248 comments }

LiveToServeYa January 26, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Holy BJ, Mr. OnKneesforJesus!

teebob2000 January 26, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Shouldn't "OnKneesforJesus" tell you everything you need to know?

I have my username in my next life: OnJeezforKneezuz

ManchuCandidate January 26, 2011 at 4:23 pm

I think they spelled Dick wrong. "OnKneesforJeebus" wants Xtian Dick.

Numbat_Dundee January 26, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Of course a "Dicktater" is what he really meant. It's a baked potato shaped like an erect dick which ejaculates delicious garlic butter when you put it in your mouth. For Jesus.

DeeJayKitteh January 26, 2011 at 4:23 pm

It's a small step from OnKneesforJesus to InStallforLarry.

Ducksworthy January 26, 2011 at 4:44 pm

His church as an actual Glory Hole.

umm_huh January 26, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Because Michael Voris S.T.B. can't fit in the Glory Hole, and that's why we all like Michael Voris S.T.B.

elviouslyqueer January 26, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Or, failing that, UptheButtwithGlennBeck.

DeeJayKitteh January 26, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Does that one involve large pieces of chalk and tears?

iburl January 26, 2011 at 10:48 pm

Larry references never get old!! :)

I wonder how his last trip to an airport was? Any more sexy airport cops tricking him into sticky situations? He probably really loves the way the gropers at the gates have started to undergird his homeland, thereby swelling his patriotism.

SorosBot January 26, 2011 at 5:11 pm

The Holy BJ was how Mary technically remained a virgin her whole life while married.

Redhead January 26, 2011 at 7:57 pm

I just love that the video made by the mister who wants to blow (male) Jesus has a still frame of a straight couple getting married labeled "right."

Takeaway message: as long as it's anonymous in the park (or bathroom stall), that's fine, it's when you actually try to marry the person you're fucking that God haz a sad.

bureaucrap January 26, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Jack I think "which"="wish" in 2nd graf, 1st line. Amirite?

Tengu January 26, 2011 at 4:22 pm

I would like to congratulate the the speaker for being born into a family that worships the only one true religion.

baconzgood January 26, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Douche Baggery?

SorosBot January 26, 2011 at 4:59 pm

No he wasn't; I heard no mention of Dianetics, purging our body of Thetans or the great prophet Hubbard.

CZL January 26, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Christian Dick Tater sounds like a country music legend.

metamarcisf January 26, 2011 at 4:27 pm

You're thinking of Country Dick Montana

LesBontemps January 26, 2011 at 4:53 pm

No no, you mean Handsome Dick Manitoba — who really was a Dictator! (Not Christian, tho, so maybe not?) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Dictators

metamarcisf January 26, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Kanye West tribute band: Country Joe Montana Fishburne and the Sticks?

Zvi_Bleindmeis January 26, 2011 at 4:47 pm

"Dick Tater" is spud libel, heathen.

BerkeleyBear January 26, 2011 at 5:33 pm

I'm thinking he's gonna make his NASCAR debut next year, sponsored by Our Holy Army (TM) and Cheez-Whiz.

MaxNeanderthal January 26, 2011 at 4:22 pm

"Sexually Transmitted Bollocks".

Worthly Wokette Skum January 26, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Did he somehow miss 2001-2008?

assistantatlas January 26, 2011 at 7:49 pm

Maybe he was Raptured at the time? I kinda forget how that works exactly.

ManchuCandidate January 26, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Good luck with that, traitors. I wonder who else wanted a sort of relgious dick tatorship. Something akin to a Caliphate…

No, not Obamer, but sounds like him. Ordered some planes to fly into some "Jew" York City buildings. Osamer? Ostama? Osama Bin Landing!

CalamityJames January 26, 2011 at 4:58 pm

I think it's pronounced Cheney, but my understanding of the dialect may be a little off.

lefty74 January 26, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Not worthy to receive you. Only say the word and my hole will be squeeled..
Bevus, your balls are filthy!

anteater January 26, 2011 at 4:27 pm

I want my sex and I want it now.
I don't give a HOOT.

baconzgood January 26, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Be a good amer-minion and pick up that litter you atheist.

genxr January 26, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Alright. I'll get the owls.

Beowoof January 26, 2011 at 7:28 pm

I don't give a HOOT
I wanna SHOOT (with this crowd that could be a rifle)

Blendergoathead January 26, 2011 at 7:42 pm

Okay… three shots of *good* tequila to the Wonketteer who has the closest guess as to the day Man With Pencil gets busted with a cock in his mouth in some back alley.

Because it's going to happen; it always does with these ones. This is just the repressed xtian form of Cruising.

iburl January 26, 2011 at 9:02 pm

Thursday.

Maman January 26, 2011 at 4:27 pm

See. The Founding Father's were WRONG when they forgot about the divine rights of kings. God made Kings in charge of stuff because they are better than us. Just like Christians are better than the rest of the people.

fuflans January 26, 2011 at 8:33 pm

you know, i had to read jean bodin for some class or other.

he died of the plague if memory serves and this tool should watch out for that.

Maman January 27, 2011 at 12:46 am

We can cure the plague with antibiotics now.

Name_Tag January 26, 2011 at 4:29 pm

i like to think that shortly after this video was filmed, he made the pencil disappear.

mmmaaagggiicccc.

weejee January 26, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Pencil dick more like it.

MinAgain January 26, 2011 at 4:31 pm

I thought we already had one of those in Rome.

edgydrifter January 26, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Faith+1 will provide the soundtrack to our Kristian Koronation.

SorosBot January 26, 2011 at 4:31 pm

And you know who else wanted to turn a democracy into a dictatorship?

Crank_Tango January 26, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Dick Cheney?

SorosBot January 27, 2011 at 9:48 am

And here I thought my reference was clear; Octavian Augustus Caesar, of course.

glamourdammerung January 26, 2011 at 5:21 pm

While extolling the virtues of a Christian state.

Radiotherapy January 26, 2011 at 5:26 pm

And free markets.

umm_huh January 26, 2011 at 5:51 pm

And homogeny for the good of society.

Fare la Volpe January 27, 2011 at 1:21 am

And swoop cuts.

iburl January 26, 2011 at 9:03 pm

Johnny Winter?

SayItWithWookies January 26, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Well that's awesome logic — I don't get what I want, therefore everyone who disagrees with me is a selfish bastard and I (by which I mean someone who thinks in exactly the same way that I do, if not me exactly) should have absolute power. Well I'm sure there's something in our divinely-inspired Constitution to accommodate this. Unless this spawn of Satan is telling us that the Constitution wasn't given to us by George Washington after the angel rolled the stone away from his tomb.

Angry_Marmot January 26, 2011 at 6:55 pm

And if He sees His shadow, we get six more weeks of winter.

mourningnmerica January 26, 2011 at 11:09 pm

How far is it from this to killing the people who don't agree with you?

SayItWithWookies January 27, 2011 at 12:02 am

Not much further than the Amalekites:

"2 Thus says the Lord of hosts, ‘I have noted what Amalek did to Israel in opposing them on the way when they came up out of Egypt. 3 Now go and strike Amalek and devote to destruction all that they have. Do not spare them, but kill both man and woman, and infant, ox and sheep, camel and donkey." (1 Sam. 15:2-3).

baconzgood January 26, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Hey you big meanie pencil holding emo hair cut fella. Why do you have to say such frownie things about me. Now my feelings are hurt (sniffle).

SexySmurf January 26, 2011 at 4:36 pm

According to the Urban Dictionary STB can stand for:

Shit the bed.
Sex to butt.
Slap the Bitch.

mull_man January 26, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Sanctimonious Twat Bastard

TanzbodenKoenig January 26, 2011 at 5:29 pm

you win!

Radiotherapy January 26, 2011 at 5:29 pm

All of them.

CZL January 26, 2011 at 5:49 pm

In that order?

UW8316154 January 26, 2011 at 9:50 pm

All of them, Katie.
\fixed

undeterredbyreality January 26, 2011 at 6:34 pm

Sexually Transmitted Batshit.

Angry_Marmot January 26, 2011 at 6:57 pm

Subconsciously Tormented Baptist.

iburl January 26, 2011 at 9:04 pm

Seriously Talking Bullshit

HurricaneAli January 26, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Christian dictator. I just don't see a problem with that!

starfanglednut January 26, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Really, what could go wrong?

Rotundo_ January 26, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Many of them profess to be christian already, it's the benevolent part that trips them up (the christians, not the dictators).

JustPixelz January 26, 2011 at 6:05 pm

it would be good news for his or her brothers and sisters.

Beowoof January 26, 2011 at 7:31 pm

Sure, everything has been going great with the one in Rome and his followers: right kids?

gvvt January 26, 2011 at 11:59 pm

Even today I am not ashamed to say that, overpowered by stormy enthusiasm, I fell down on my knees and thanked Heaven from an overflowing heart for granting me the good fortune of being permitted to live at this time.
- Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf, Vol. 1 Chapter 5

bureaucrap January 26, 2011 at 4:37 pm

If God is all powerful, why doesn't he just MAKE everyone agree with him? Hennngh?

jus_wonderin January 26, 2011 at 5:42 pm

God has a Netflix queue from here to the edges of known space. He's busy!!

OC_Surf_Serf January 26, 2011 at 7:24 pm

or been too busy trying avoid Pat Robertson's phonecalls..

But seriuosly, the Holy Ghost has got football games to decide, make hair grow on some people while keeping it from growing on others, hand out cancer, make Mass Wednesdays, Fridays, Saturdays and a shitload of "appearances" on Sundays (and on the occasional slice of toast), all the while changing wardrobes to keep all the sheeple happy…It just doesn't have the time in its schedule for the voting booths of millions…we have diebolt for that.

iburl January 26, 2011 at 9:05 pm

Same reason he buried all those dinosaur bones. To test our faith!

gvvt January 26, 2011 at 11:52 pm

It was Eve's fault. If He'd given Adam Evan as a companion, we'd all be sitting pretty now.

teebob2000 January 26, 2011 at 4:38 pm

OK, now having watched this, it's clear to me it's a put-on and this guy is mocking Christians. It's like the mymarriagematters.org teevee dude who's actually the owner of ashleymadison.com, and cleverly pretends to be against ashleymadison.com, even though he says it repeatedly so you'll go to the site and have an affair. The guy in this video is so over-the-top ridiculous I see through him immediately, right down to his Yakov Smirnoff-y "what a country!" exclamation.

Ducksworthy January 26, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Unh Hunh. I suppose you think Michele Bachmannnnn is fake too. Delusional optimist.

CapnFatback January 26, 2011 at 4:55 pm

"In Heaven, God votes for you!"

imissopus January 26, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Sadly no. Google the guy.

teebob2000 January 27, 2011 at 11:09 am

I realize that. Me = sarcasm.

__kth__ January 26, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Spiritually Transmitted Beatitude

user-of-owls January 26, 2011 at 4:38 pm

As for the voters who don’t give a “hoot” when you want them to? These are what we call “owls.”

What the fuck I did to you Jack?

SexySmurf January 26, 2011 at 4:43 pm

You want to legalize abortion so you can fuck gay guys without getting them pregnant. Or something.

Crank_Tango January 26, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Also, aren't owls the ones who DO hoot? I mean, that's why they're called hooters, right?

Radiotherapy January 26, 2011 at 11:45 pm

Owl drink to that!

CalamityJames January 27, 2011 at 1:01 am

Goddammit, I accidentally downfisted you. And this comment took fifteen minutes to type out. Smartphone my ass. Quick, everyone upfist Mr. Therapy before his p-ness goes soft.

transfatz January 26, 2011 at 11:44 pm

Owl libel!

Ruhe January 26, 2011 at 4:38 pm

The pogrom's will never get started till the dictator is in place. I am getting tired of waiting, I tell ya.

Tommmcatt January 26, 2011 at 4:40 pm

This guy needs to be on a Republican ticket STAT! Are you listening Pawlenty?

samsuncle January 26, 2011 at 4:41 pm

At last, the Christian right wing has revealed their plan for America. No surprise here.

Asa_Hawks January 26, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Hmm…A white christian (presumably) heterosexual male advocates a form of government that ruthlessly enforces his narrowly defined system of morality. Seeing as how this is a form of social organization unprecedented in human history, I say we give it a go and see what happens.

MaxNeanderthal January 26, 2011 at 4:47 pm

We need a new emblem for this new regime… Hmm, I'm thinking a white disc on a, a red, yes red background, with an emblem on the disc that is like the christian cross, sort of like er, er, yes, yes, i've got it, a black cross with the end of each arm bent over……..

GOPCrusher January 26, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Too Hindu.

gvvt January 27, 2011 at 12:03 am

I believe today that my conduct is in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator.
- Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf, Vol. 1 Chapter 2

doxastic January 26, 2011 at 4:41 pm

It's like Islamofascism, but for even bigger assholes.

Worthly Wokette Skum January 26, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Man, with all that stoking the tip, I was sure that pencil was going to splooge all over the camera.

elviouslyqueer January 26, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Let's see if I have this (ahem) straight. Even though I'm employed, tax-paying, and (generally) law-abiding, because I've been with my partner for 17 years and we have occasional hot buttsecks, I not only don't deserve to vote, but I'm an ignoramous with an adolescent mentality and a predilection for rampant self-absorption. In other words, Bro Michael thinks that I'm Michelle Bachmann. Well, thank Jeebus that's sorted. Now all I need is a case of Valium and a year's worth of Botox.

Jason_inthe_Peg January 26, 2011 at 5:18 pm

I am straight, employed, tax-paying, and (generally) law-abiding, been with my partner for 11 years and we have occasional hot buttsecks.

Do you think he'd disapprove of me too?

GOPCrusher January 26, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Yes. You are another filthy sodomite.
The only approved type of carnal knowledge is The Missionary Position as Jeebus willed it.

Tommmcatt January 26, 2011 at 8:52 pm

Hehe! You live with an up-the-butt girl!

From what I know of the heterosexual male psyche, you are one of the luckiest men in the universe!

lulzmonger January 27, 2011 at 4:25 am

Upon analysis of the spelling, grammar & semantics of this comment, along with the pills & the Botox I prescribe at least 8-10 good solid blows to the forehead with a pipe-wrench & a large mercury milkshake before you can even begin to hope to achieve the magic of going Full Bachmann.

mumbly_joe January 26, 2011 at 4:44 pm

As for the voters who don’t give a “hoot” when you want them to? These are what we call “owls.”

If that were true, then we'd be up to our neck in owls.

user-of-owls January 26, 2011 at 4:58 pm

**grrrrr**

genxr January 26, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Why do you think I put up these no-owl strips?

DoktorZoom January 26, 2011 at 6:19 pm

"The owls are not what they seem" –The Log Lady

ShaveTheWhales January 26, 2011 at 10:02 pm

Did you ever figure out what they were. I have to admit, I lost track.

Barrelhse January 26, 2011 at 4:44 pm

I'm self-absorbed because I had a vasectomy.

HedonismBot January 27, 2011 at 5:52 am

If you had five or six kids first, you've probably done your part for Jebus.

Negropolis January 27, 2011 at 6:34 am

Baby-killer!

harry_palmer January 26, 2011 at 4:44 pm

I thougt Jebus was coming back like any second now so his stooges I mean followers weren't supposed to bother about things of this world. I think that means you should give the sane people around you all your money while you're at it, fundie boy.

politics_nerd January 26, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Whoa! My Gay Detector just ripped off its hat and ran screaming into the street!

Worthly Wokette Skum January 26, 2011 at 4:45 pm

"It enjoys ravaging the body, until the body is dead" (2:12)

Our narrator too, I suspect.

DoktorZoom January 26, 2011 at 6:23 pm

I am disappointed that no one has called him out on his egregious anthropomorphic claim that cancer "enjoys" ravaging the body. Surely a good Christian wouldn't attribute qualities of Mind to a mere cell, would he?

Then again, these guys don't know the difference between a blastocyst and a human being, so never mind.

baconzgood January 26, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Brought to by the Jessie Helms Vision for America Foundation.

politics_nerd January 26, 2011 at 4:46 pm

also,

AHHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyone else look at various news/net items and think, wait, am I looking at the Onion by mistake?

starfanglednut January 26, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Today, we are all on our knees for christian dick.

finallyhappy January 26, 2011 at 4:49 pm

I was thinking "onmyknees4HughJackman"

trondant January 26, 2011 at 9:55 pm

Mmmmppphh?

CapnFatback January 26, 2011 at 4:50 pm

"Give a hoot; be of virtuous repute!"

Man, Woodsy, you've changed.

Worthly Wokette Skum January 26, 2011 at 4:50 pm

His contention that man's nature is to look not to God, but into a mirror, is rather undercut by his haircut.

lefty74 January 26, 2011 at 4:50 pm

This pencil dick guy knows nothing of the Fondling Fathers.

Ducksworthy January 26, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Will he make me an Ayatollah? OK. I'm in then. They get to have sex with women, right?

elviouslyqueer January 26, 2011 at 4:53 pm

He tried, but his boyfriend likes it uncut. *rimshot*

Thanks. I'll be here all week.

OneYieldRegular January 26, 2011 at 4:54 pm

TOTAL bottom.

WhatTheHeck January 26, 2011 at 4:54 pm

I'm all for living in a Theo-crazy.

baconzgood January 26, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Someone needs a civics class and a hug?

elviouslyqueer January 26, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Oh, I'd wager he's been "hugged" numerous times, in the bathroom stall at the local truck stop. Recently, even, also.

CUNextTuesday January 26, 2011 at 7:58 pm

But it was all a misunderstanding. He just has a wide stance.

teebob2000 January 26, 2011 at 4:57 pm

This is a really good take-down of this tool by fellow Catholics: http://vox-nova.com/2010/08/18/13849/

kenlayisalive January 26, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Let's start by taking away this guys right to vote.

kenlayisalive January 26, 2011 at 4:59 pm

seriously, this guy is like the greatest genius of trolls, right?

GOPCrusher January 26, 2011 at 4:59 pm

This Left Wing Hate Rhetoric just has to stop!

spinozasgod January 26, 2011 at 5:01 pm

on your knees for jesus? I didn't think jesus was that kind of guy…..

sportshort January 26, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Man I am so tired of this thinking stuff. Could someone come along and do it for me? Oh, and could they bring a pencil so that I can jam it into my forehead when I REALLY start to wonder about anything? K thnx, Bai.

schvitzatura January 26, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Flip a dystopian 'Murican coin:

Republic of Gilead – heads
Holnists – tails

(both with a Popish overlay, natch)

Voris is definitely a Pre-Vatican II mackerel snapper. Big fan of Charles Martel and Charlemagne, fo shizzle.

Qatarded January 26, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Thou cannot get the "Bieber Cut" with a Flowbee.

BornInATrailer January 26, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Well I don't see how that could turn out poorly.

aguacatero January 26, 2011 at 5:46 pm

As long as it's written right in the plan that the dictator MUST be benevolent, it couldn't.

undeterredbyreality January 26, 2011 at 6:41 pm

And so long as he's selected by only the virtuous. Oh, wait. He selects himself, right? No voting. Hmm… Who gets to pick him, let's see… could it be……SATAN???

freelancer January 26, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Redition this ass to Gitmo already. At the very least, a US Attorney should spook him with threatening to indict him with Sedition or Treason.

BklynIlluminati January 26, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Trump called wants to know where you got your rug dood

philpjfry January 26, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Don't these jackasses know who and what they sound like? Who thought this was a good idea to say, "nobody but people who think exactly like me can vote". God such jackholes!!! Would love to be a fly on the wall when they actualy meet God. Come here fella, let me show you what to do with that pencil.

GOPCrusher January 26, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Are you new to this country?
As long as he is advocating a Xtian Dictatorship, it's OK. No other religions need apply.

philpjfry January 26, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Sorry, my mistake

Radiotherapy January 26, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Or, I'm sure, a moyl.

wegot2dobetter January 26, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Where do i sign up to get paid for my lack of effort? and is this retroactive?

AlldayEveryday January 26, 2011 at 5:33 pm

….I mean, having an all-powerful magic person rule us humanoids sounds fine to me, but this guy the christians are always talking about seem, well, aloof, AND he made that one guy not catch the football.

inedalo January 26, 2011 at 5:33 pm

my plan to reduce the govt. deficit- start taxing these tax-exempt religious churches that meddle in politics. they ain't supposed to be doing that. this will bring in lots of tax dollars and also tax all the churches, religious or not, and those phone Universities they run.
hallelujah! we is gettin rich…

GOPCrusher January 26, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Kind of makes me what has happened to the Coral Ridge Freakshow. They were getting pretty heavy into the advocating insurrection against the legally elected President, that happens to be an African-American. About three months ago, they went off Sunday morning television.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 26, 2011 at 5:33 pm

You must read between the lines to get the real message here.
SEND ME YOUR MONEY!!!!!!!!

GunTotingProgressive January 26, 2011 at 5:36 pm

I placement LOVE the word RANDOM .

aqua_buddha January 26, 2011 at 5:37 pm

" air quotes "

mrpuma2u January 26, 2011 at 5:38 pm

The flying spaghetti monster will strangle this xtian dick-tater wanna be in a noodley appendage of righteousness. Amen.

lunarmovements January 26, 2011 at 7:02 pm

And, praise be to his noodliness, with another appendage may he snap that pencil into at least three pieces and forcibly insert them up his nostrils so as to clarify his thoughts and lift from him the burden of his excessive doucheyness. Amen.

mourningnmerica January 26, 2011 at 11:20 pm

Best!

WIDTAP January 26, 2011 at 5:41 pm

And yet I would bet that this fellow refuses to move to the one country that has actually instituted his proposal – Vatican City.

GOPCrusher January 27, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Iran also seems to have a thriving theocratic society. But I'm not sure if they allow Xtians to vote there.

MarcelleMarceau January 26, 2011 at 5:41 pm

The dunderhead just made the case for Communism at 03:02 in the video: The benevelolent dictator "protects his people from themselves and bestows on them what they need, not necessarily what they want."

"From each according to their ability, to each according to their need." ~

aguacatero January 26, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Hmm …. a benevolent dictator to give people not necessarily what they want, but what they need.

ALL HAIL HIS SATANIC/BENEVOLENT MAJESTY, KEITH RICHARDS!!!!

I think I could live with that. Plus, he's immortal.

fuflans January 26, 2011 at 8:24 pm

oh win!

chowkster January 26, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Alright. He is either trolling or this is an elaborate piece of performance art.

neiltheblaze January 26, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Or – he could be fucking nuts. Always a possibility.

sati_demise January 26, 2011 at 6:52 pm

He is friends with Snowbilly Grifters Kenyan pastor.

glamourdammerung January 26, 2011 at 6:58 pm

All movement conservatism is either trolling or performance art at this point.

AtlanticCapers January 26, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Hey, it worked for Hitler.

Fox n Fiends January 26, 2011 at 5:51 pm

God just told me to vote for Barney Frank.

Come here a minute January 26, 2011 at 6:07 pm

It's been a long time, but back when I was a kid, I was hauled to Catholic church on Sundays. I remember it pretty well, but not the part about low taxes. Was that a beatitude? Blessed are the tax cutters.

GiantGrouper January 26, 2011 at 6:08 pm

I was just thinking the same thing a few days ago, but the only difference is that I think we should not let the people who believe in and follow God vote since they do not think for themselves, and instead just follow what a fictitious old book says. Sorry pal, all religions are wrong and there is most likely no God.

P.S. Your idea that we need a dictator that will look out for the people is laughable. You just want the Cult of Christianity's ideas forced upon others.

bflrtsplk January 26, 2011 at 6:10 pm

He's trying out for the part of John in the Born-Again Beatles. Can he sing "Mr. Moonlight?"

DrunkIrishman January 26, 2011 at 6:11 pm

DAMN YOU ATHEIST HUMANIST LIBERALS AND YOUR PLOT TO TAKE AWAY MY SACRED JESUS PENCIL!

glamourdammerung January 26, 2011 at 6:13 pm

At least they are finally being honest about their desire to be an American version of the Taliban.

DoktorZoom January 26, 2011 at 6:15 pm

He hasn't got S.T.B. all over him.

Callyson January 26, 2011 at 6:17 pm

What everyone else here said.
Also, Justin Bieber called and he wants his hairstyle (such as it is) back.

Oldskool_ January 26, 2011 at 6:22 pm

He is adorable.with his Monkeys haircut and fascist ideology.

DoktorZoom January 26, 2011 at 6:35 pm

For the sake of accuracy, we should probably note that Voris walks back most of the blatantly treasonous stuff about needing a dictatorship in this followup: http://www.youtube.com/user/RealCatholicTV#p/a/u/

It's sort of like the folks who say "We must take up arms and TAKE OUT these enemies of democracy"….and then say, once people point out that they said what they said, "Oh, come on–obviously I meant 'with VOTES'"

keepem_sikanpor January 26, 2011 at 6:55 pm

How dare you point that out! Don't you know it's people like you who are the real problem?

SayItWithWookies January 27, 2011 at 12:36 am

I especially love how he explains that, firstly, there was a lot of discussion over a minor point that he hadn't figured would cause any controversy, but which obscured his central argument which, secondly, he never actually mentioned.

So when I'm asking myself who would make a great benevolent dictator for our nation — someone who wouldn't let ego interfere with his sense of fairness and impartiality — I'm thinking it's the guy who blames his audience for not getting a point he admittedly never made.

keepem_sikanpor January 26, 2011 at 6:39 pm

I wonder what the professional victim from Wasilla will tweet about this? I mean 75% of what this STB said was a direct Palin diss (i.e. ignorant, self serving, self obsessed, etc). I bet she's pissed.

Maman January 26, 2011 at 6:40 pm

He tells you he is. God is talking to him directly, so he wouldn't lie about that.

OC_Surf_Serf January 26, 2011 at 7:54 pm

normal / crazy : talking to yourself / hearing a reply

Maman January 27, 2011 at 12:45 am

I am pretty sure that God talking directly to the priesthood (i.e. every man) is consider very normal for Mormons.

neiltheblaze January 26, 2011 at 6:44 pm

I bet he spends lots of time on his knees.

undeterredbyreality January 26, 2011 at 6:46 pm

Anybody else notice that his jeebus (in the commercial at the end) looks a lot like him, only prettier and bearded? ¿Mirror rorriM?

gef05 January 26, 2011 at 6:46 pm

I found the mixture of bat-shit crazy rhetoric, I'm-talking-to-retards intonation, and pencil waving fetishism, to be deeply deeply erotic.

And I vote.

aguacatero January 26, 2011 at 6:54 pm

I'm not yet persuaded that America will "win the future," either in the Obaman sense or the Gingrichillian (adjectivized that way because he's so much like Winston Churchill). But you, sir or ma'am, have won the afternoon.

aguacatero January 26, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Obviously just a paid spokesman. The text is verbatim from Justice Antonin Scalia.

sati_demise January 26, 2011 at 6:50 pm

We tried it and we got the Inquisition.
No one expected that.

Troubledog January 26, 2011 at 7:10 pm

It's not a child, it's consequences!

buffalorude January 26, 2011 at 7:13 pm

This is a parody, right?

snoopyfan2010 January 26, 2011 at 7:15 pm

Shorter version: Why is it that you people can't understand that anything that benefits me is for the common good? And conversly anything that hurts me is obviously against society's best interests. Duhhhhhhhh………

GregComlish January 26, 2011 at 7:23 pm

Guys, you need to back off. This guy is speaking his mind with a sincerity and clarity unrivaled by any of his peers on the right. If only more members of the religious right would frankly acknowledge that they really just want a strong man to force their beliefs and superstitions upon everyone, then we could finally start to have an honest dialogue in the country.

HedonismBot January 26, 2011 at 7:32 pm

I had similar thoughts. One of the fundies finally had the guts to say out loud what they have all been thinking.

HedonismBot January 26, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Just like the Founding Fathers wanted! It's in the Constitooshun.

SushOrDie January 26, 2011 at 7:31 pm

Isn't the Justin Bieber haircut supposed to be the givaway that this is a goof? Otherwise, why would any man or boy over, say, thirteen sport those bangs? Seriously.

HedonismBot January 26, 2011 at 7:35 pm

Look at Europe. Benevolent dictators brought them out of the dark ages. Two World Wars, one holocaust, and Adolf Hitler later, and they caught democracy fever. Mostly.
Oh, and pogroms and auto-da-fes. Good times.
That said, Napoleon Bonaparte wasn't all bad.

GregComlish January 26, 2011 at 11:48 pm

Napoleon was an "enlightened despot" who brought enlightenment values to the superstitious masses by fiat. This guy's idol would be more like Savonarola, confiscating smut and burning the gays.

SayItWithWookies January 27, 2011 at 12:41 am

He was an improvement — which says all you need to know about the state of European monarchies in 1800.

gbandu January 26, 2011 at 7:41 pm

At least he just comes out and SAYS it, unlike his brethren at places like the National Review.

Beowoof January 26, 2011 at 7:45 pm

Only people we approve of get to vote and they get to vote based upon how devout they are in this guy's judgment. Well I am back to looking into moving to Canada. And he claims that the divine right of kings led to western civilization, and I have had this foolish idea that it was revolting against those monarchs and taking their power and giving it to the people that led to western civilization. Sheeee it what an asshole I am.

These beliefs are clearly the result of his education in some asshole church school that is short on knowledge but long on preaching their fucked up interpretation of the Bible.

catmaw12 January 26, 2011 at 7:46 pm

I could stomach this goofy guy for only 24 seconds 'cause my tummy began to rumble, my head started to hurt, my eyes began to cross, and it smelled like kitty farts around here. I vote for Rocky & Bullwinkle. Ummmm, I mean Boris & Natasha. Yeah. No, wait….

CUNextTuesday January 26, 2011 at 7:56 pm

Christian Dick Tater – is that like Mr Potato Head for Born Again Assholes?

Naked_Bunny January 26, 2011 at 8:02 pm

There's nothing in the Bible about democracy — it's all king and lords and judges — so I'm glad to see the fundies stop giving it lip service, much less claiming they invented it.

BarackMyWorld January 26, 2011 at 8:14 pm

Somewhere, Dinesh D'Souza is watching this and wondering "Why didn't I think of that?"

starfanglednut January 26, 2011 at 8:28 pm

God, I hate that guy.

zhubajie January 26, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Cromwell tried this about 350 years ago. It was not good for the Wonketteers of the day.

PublicLuxury January 26, 2011 at 8:35 pm

Ok fuckers. The only people who get to vote are the ones that agree with me and vote in the manner that I demand. Got that? No differing of opinion. Only my opinion is valid. So suck it and give me all your money and weapons.

Your Dictator the One True Person Chosen by Me,
Peg

fuflans January 26, 2011 at 8:36 pm

HAHAHAHAA stb is some kind of sacred bachelor's degree (bachelor of sacred theology).

dude is so TOTALLY going to washington university.

Plowmon January 26, 2011 at 9:01 pm

But do the drunk and high get to vote? It's a rush, try it sometime…

HedonismBot January 26, 2011 at 9:20 pm

I can think of funner things to do whilst drunk or stoned than voting.

dyedwool January 26, 2011 at 9:16 pm

I've not read every single comment, so all apologies if astute Wonketteers have already made mention, but…he has Horny Head Coach Hair. Circa 1970 Through…I dunno. Now.*

Which should immediately set off alarm bells. If the pencil in the hand didn't.

And the creepy video. And the central message. Also.

*Hairdo has also been favored by '70's sitcom actors and lead singers. And a young(er) Trent Lott. 'Nuff said.

ttommyunger January 26, 2011 at 9:32 pm

Haven't seen a closet queer that creepy since J. Edgar Hoover. Or maybe that guy from American Spunktaker, whatizname R. Rammitin Tyrell.

Kitten_moon January 26, 2011 at 9:36 pm

Oh my, what filth.

sati_demise January 26, 2011 at 10:07 pm

He beats his wife and his dog.

Radiotherapy January 26, 2011 at 11:47 pm

And his pencil.

jim89048 January 27, 2011 at 12:15 am

If she's dumb enough to be married to him, I'd beat her with the dog.

SayItWithWookies January 27, 2011 at 12:45 am

…but not at Scrabble.

Negropolis January 27, 2011 at 2:04 am

And, obviously in that order. He also has make up sex with the both of them, too. In reverse order. The bitch asked for it…and the wife doesn't mind, either.

UW8316154 January 26, 2011 at 10:10 pm

"I need to raise $10 a month to maintain my video channel. Don't let Satan win with his financial attacks on me. You can donate a few bucks safely via Paypal. Jesus will bless you. " AND

"Feel free to e-mail me with any interesting videos, pictures or articles that you find. "

Are we still a warblog? Where is shortsx3 when we need him??

ShaveTheWhales January 26, 2011 at 10:10 pm

(1) "Voris"? I think not. Any Pratchett fan will recognize Vorbis with a rug.

(2) I'm visualizing "dick tater" as a monumental boil on this guy's stubby. Duz it to you?

jim89048 January 26, 2011 at 10:23 pm

With that look I was expecting a Payush Jindal/Kenneth the Page inflection, which would have made it more possible for me to get past the .05 mark.

BanReligion666 January 26, 2011 at 10:24 pm

Yeah, I have an idea for the ideal dictatorship. Its the complete banishment of all bible thumpers to the middle east where they can spend the rest of their days debating Christian belief with Muslims and their belief system.

Slim_Pickins January 26, 2011 at 10:59 pm

Pencils as a prop are very big with TV football analysts. Think Kirk Herbstreit.

GOPCrusher January 27, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Actually, more Lee Corso. Heir to the Faber Eberhard Pencil Empire!

SaintRond January 26, 2011 at 11:16 pm

Consider the words of our Savior, "For thou art PETER and upon this ROCK I SHALL PLACE MY THRONE – UGH! UGH! UGH!"

Now if that isn't a recommendation for gay sex, I don't know what is. So there!

mourningnmerica January 26, 2011 at 11:25 pm

The reason Catholic men give such good head is that they learn, as children, not to use their teeth when taking the Communion wafer.

SayItWithWookies January 27, 2011 at 12:47 am

Or when blowing Father Morton.

SaintRond January 26, 2011 at 11:26 pm

Consider the words of our Savior, "For thou art PETER and upon this ROCK I SHALL PLACE MY THRONE – UGH! UGH! UGH!"

slowhansolo January 26, 2011 at 11:34 pm

I must assume someone else already expressed this, since I'm late to the party and much too stoned right now to read the entire thread. But it bears repeating.

*ahem*

Don't sing it, bring it. Seriously. Make your move, you poncy fucks. I'm sick to death of talky-traitors.

MilwaukeeKent January 26, 2011 at 11:36 pm

Needs more Flag and Cross. Closeted Christian Fascist Randian. Quote from some book, "Undigested Plato…" What scandal awaits this wrong-headed fellow?

gvvt January 26, 2011 at 11:46 pm

Blurb for The Nazi War on Cancer: "… cancer also became an important social metaphor, as the Nazis portrayed Jews and other "enemies of the Volk" as tumors that must be eliminated from the German body politic."
http://press.princeton.edu/titles/6573.html

transfatz January 26, 2011 at 11:49 pm

Well, if he has a pencil I guess we have to do as he says.

sati_demise January 27, 2011 at 12:13 am
littlebigdaddy January 27, 2011 at 12:41 am

Yeah, he's got quite a case of gay face. Why are they always the worst wingers?

fartknocker January 27, 2011 at 12:53 am

Will this guy be on the Radio Free Bristol? I sense he may be show Bristol his heavy, enlarged pencil in her Wasilla room in her new Maricopa County abode.

Neoyorquino January 27, 2011 at 1:28 am

I'm sorry, I didn't hear anything he said. I was enthralled by that epic Justin Bieber haircut of his.

Laughitoff22 January 27, 2011 at 1:30 am

As someone who has trouble thinking on my own, this sounds like a perfectly logical conclusion. Why would I ever need to vote anyway?

Negropolis January 27, 2011 at 1:51 am

"What a country!"

No, really, what a fuckin' country. I love this land. Obviously, you don't.

Honestly, I had to stop after that line. This guy is so self-absorbed, so self-assured he'll never believe anything else than what he believes at the moment. This thing is chocked full of so much irony it's spilling over the sides.

I haven't been this angry watching a video in a long time. Sometime, these people are so out there and so playing a part that it's humorous. Many of these people, though, are just plan dangerous in their smugness and self-assuredness..

lulzmonger January 27, 2011 at 4:52 am

STB = syphilis, tertiary … Bieberhead.

Dominionists – the Christian Taliban.

Many names, one game-plan. The Family? Yep, that's them too. Fuckers prefer to lay low because they know lots of folks would happily string them up if they understood exactly what they want for all the "owls" who don't want to tithe to the Supreme Global Reich Of JESUS & be its obedient slaves. Small in numbers but big in influence. #1 reason that churches ought to be taxed.

heathenette January 27, 2011 at 5:23 am

I for one do not welcome our new Christian overlords.

DataSnake January 27, 2011 at 8:26 am

In the bible, someone asked Jesus if he was going to start a dictatorship. His response? "My kingdom is not of this world".

MarionNYNY January 27, 2011 at 8:59 am

Maybe it was a typo? SFB?

MarionNYNY January 27, 2011 at 9:04 am

On second thought, having watched the whole thing including the pitch for funds at the end, I'm convinced this guy has a great scam going and as a leader of a "religious" organization probably doesn't even pay taxes on it. I bow down before your grift!

southernmuses January 27, 2011 at 9:42 am

hey- how come he didn't mention all those really good dictators that did such a fabulous job shaping civilization–like maybe Hitler or Pol Pot? He left a rather gaping and inexplicable interlude between the collapse of the Roman Empire (which he implies was dictator free) and the present. I am so confused.

mog253 January 27, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Perhaps a stint in a country with a dictatorship, complete with secret police, no rights and a state religion (not his) would help to make him a more informed voter????

Zak44 January 27, 2011 at 4:28 pm

"OnKneesforJesus," huh?

Hey, as long as you're down there…

mumbly_joe January 27, 2011 at 7:07 pm

Right, the reason I'm in favor of gay people having the same right to marry the person that they love that I already can freely exercise, is because I secretly crave the cock, and not because it's an injustice identical in kind and magnitude to the anti-miscegenation laws that would have kept my parents and grandparents from marrying each other and forming the family that raised me, in more than half the country, at those times.

Man, this guy totally has me pegged! I've clearly been motivated politically all these years by my hithertofore un-acted-upon-even-in-college cock-lust, and not by a basic minimum of human empathy!

zumpie January 27, 2011 at 11:00 pm

But I thought the Duggar Family was gonna solve his problem by making us a default Xtian country anyway! Though since Beiber Blowies Boy is a Catholic, I'm sure there's plenty of disagreement there, anyway.

So are progressive Catholics (and there are many) selfish jackasses, too?

SoxInTheCity January 27, 2011 at 11:54 pm

For the first 30 seconds or so, he was making a good point — then it became clear that he was precisely the sort of ignoramus who should not be allowed to vote.

Mostly, though, I'm embarassed for the pencil.

outragedcitizen January 28, 2011 at 10:11 am

Only Evangelical Christians get to vote and then for a "benevolent dictator". Wow, what could possibly go wrong with that?

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