winning the future

Man With Pencil: Christians Should Abandon Democracy, Support Dictator


Look, sooner or later, the evangelical Christians were going to lose out on this democracy thing. There’s just not enough of them for their views to supersede the desired liberties of the majority. If they want to hold on to power, they’re going to have to return to their roots by supporting a new dictatorship. And the man with the pencil will be just the one to do it.

Obviously, we which all voters were informed. And by informed, we mean they’ve read the Christ’s List slate of endorsements and will vote as they are told. These are what we call “smart voters.” As for the voters who don’t give a “hoot” when you want them to? These are what we call “owls.”

Smart voters, if they are heterosexual, do not care about being able to have a heterosexual relationship. “If it’s best for society to ban straight sex and only allow sex with robots who have been sprayed with holy water, that is how I will vote.” Wanting to have sex with a member of the opposite sex is mere adolescent self-absorption.

(What does “S.T.B.” stand for? “Stalin Ticonderoga Bro”?) [Videogum]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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248 comments

    1. teebob2000

      Shouldn't "OnKneesforJesus" tell you everything you need to know?

      I have my username in my next life: OnJeezforKneezuz

        1. Numbat_Dundee

          Of course a "Dicktater" is what he really meant. It's a baked potato shaped like an erect dick which ejaculates delicious garlic butter when you put it in your mouth. For Jesus.

        1. umm_huh

          Because Michael Voris S.T.B. can't fit in the Glory Hole, and that's why we all like Michael Voris S.T.B.

      1. iburl

        Larry references never get old!! :)

        I wonder how his last trip to an airport was? Any more sexy airport cops tricking him into sticky situations? He probably really loves the way the gropers at the gates have started to undergird his homeland, thereby swelling his patriotism.

    2. Redhead

      I just love that the video made by the mister who wants to blow (male) Jesus has a still frame of a straight couple getting married labeled "right."

      Takeaway message: as long as it's anonymous in the park (or bathroom stall), that's fine, it's when you actually try to marry the person you're fucking that God haz a sad.

  1. Tengu

    I would like to congratulate the the speaker for being born into a family that worships the only one true religion.

    1. SorosBot

      No he wasn't; I heard no mention of Dianetics, purging our body of Thetans or the great prophet Hubbard.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      I'm thinking he's gonna make his NASCAR debut next year, sponsored by Our Holy Army (TM) and Cheez-Whiz.

  2. ManchuCandidate

    Good luck with that, traitors. I wonder who else wanted a sort of relgious dick tatorship. Something akin to a Caliphate…

    No, not Obamer, but sounds like him. Ordered some planes to fly into some "Jew" York City buildings. Osamer? Ostama? Osama Bin Landing!

  3. lefty74

    Not worthy to receive you. Only say the word and my hole will be squeeled..
    Bevus, your balls are filthy!

    1. Blendergoathead

      Okay… three shots of *good* tequila to the Wonketteer who has the closest guess as to the day Man With Pencil gets busted with a cock in his mouth in some back alley.

      Because it's going to happen; it always does with these ones. This is just the repressed xtian form of Cruising.

  4. Maman

    See. The Founding Father's were WRONG when they forgot about the divine rights of kings. God made Kings in charge of stuff because they are better than us. Just like Christians are better than the rest of the people.

    1. fuflans

      you know, i had to read jean bodin for some class or other.

      he died of the plague if memory serves and this tool should watch out for that.

  5. Name_Tag

    i like to think that shortly after this video was filmed, he made the pencil disappear.

    mmmaaagggiicccc.

  6. SayItWithWookies

    Well that's awesome logic — I don't get what I want, therefore everyone who disagrees with me is a selfish bastard and I (by which I mean someone who thinks in exactly the same way that I do, if not me exactly) should have absolute power. Well I'm sure there's something in our divinely-inspired Constitution to accommodate this. Unless this spawn of Satan is telling us that the Constitution wasn't given to us by George Washington after the angel rolled the stone away from his tomb.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Not much further than the Amalekites:

        "2 Thus says the Lord of hosts, ‘I have noted what Amalek did to Israel in opposing them on the way when they came up out of Egypt. 3 Now go and strike Amalek and devote to destruction all that they have. Do not spare them, but kill both man and woman, and infant, ox and sheep, camel and donkey." (1 Sam. 15:2-3).

  7. baconzgood

    Hey you big meanie pencil holding emo hair cut fella. Why do you have to say such frownie things about me. Now my feelings are hurt (sniffle).

    1. Rotundo_

      Many of them profess to be christian already, it's the benevolent part that trips them up (the christians, not the dictators).

    2. gvvt

      Even today I am not ashamed to say that, overpowered by stormy enthusiasm, I fell down on my knees and thanked Heaven from an overflowing heart for granting me the good fortune of being permitted to live at this time.
      - Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf, Vol. 1 Chapter 5

    1. OC_Surf_Serf

      or been too busy trying avoid Pat Robertson's phonecalls..

      But seriuosly, the Holy Ghost has got football games to decide, make hair grow on some people while keeping it from growing on others, hand out cancer, make Mass Wednesdays, Fridays, Saturdays and a shitload of "appearances" on Sundays (and on the occasional slice of toast), all the while changing wardrobes to keep all the sheeple happy…It just doesn't have the time in its schedule for the voting booths of millions…we have diebolt for that.

  8. teebob2000

    OK, now having watched this, it's clear to me it's a put-on and this guy is mocking Christians. It's like the mymarriagematters.org teevee dude who's actually the owner of ashleymadison.com, and cleverly pretends to be against ashleymadison.com, even though he says it repeatedly so you'll go to the site and have an affair. The guy in this video is so over-the-top ridiculous I see through him immediately, right down to his Yakov Smirnoff-y "what a country!" exclamation.

  9. user-of-owls

    As for the voters who don’t give a “hoot” when you want them to? These are what we call “owls.”

    What the fuck I did to you Jack?

    1. SexySmurf

      You want to legalize abortion so you can fuck gay guys without getting them pregnant. Or something.

        1. CalamityJames

          Goddammit, I accidentally downfisted you. And this comment took fifteen minutes to type out. Smartphone my ass. Quick, everyone upfist Mr. Therapy before his p-ness goes soft.

  10. Ruhe

    The pogrom's will never get started till the dictator is in place. I am getting tired of waiting, I tell ya.

  11. Asa_Hawks

    Hmm…A white christian (presumably) heterosexual male advocates a form of government that ruthlessly enforces his narrowly defined system of morality. Seeing as how this is a form of social organization unprecedented in human history, I say we give it a go and see what happens.

    1. MaxNeanderthal

      We need a new emblem for this new regime… Hmm, I'm thinking a white disc on a, a red, yes red background, with an emblem on the disc that is like the christian cross, sort of like er, er, yes, yes, i've got it, a black cross with the end of each arm bent over……..

    2. gvvt

      I believe today that my conduct is in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator.
      - Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf, Vol. 1 Chapter 2

  12. Worthly Wokette Skum

    Man, with all that stoking the tip, I was sure that pencil was going to splooge all over the camera.

  13. elviouslyqueer

    Let's see if I have this (ahem) straight. Even though I'm employed, tax-paying, and (generally) law-abiding, because I've been with my partner for 17 years and we have occasional hot buttsecks, I not only don't deserve to vote, but I'm an ignoramous with an adolescent mentality and a predilection for rampant self-absorption. In other words, Bro Michael thinks that I'm Michelle Bachmann. Well, thank Jeebus that's sorted. Now all I need is a case of Valium and a year's worth of Botox.

    1. Jason_inthe_Peg

      I am straight, employed, tax-paying, and (generally) law-abiding, been with my partner for 11 years and we have occasional hot buttsecks.

      Do you think he'd disapprove of me too?

      1. GOPCrusher

        Yes. You are another filthy sodomite.
        The only approved type of carnal knowledge is The Missionary Position as Jeebus willed it.

      2. Tommmcatt

        Hehe! You live with an up-the-butt girl!

        From what I know of the heterosexual male psyche, you are one of the luckiest men in the universe!

    2. lulzmonger

      Upon analysis of the spelling, grammar & semantics of this comment, along with the pills & the Botox I prescribe at least 8-10 good solid blows to the forehead with a pipe-wrench & a large mercury milkshake before you can even begin to hope to achieve the magic of going Full Bachmann.

  14. mumbly_joe

    As for the voters who don’t give a “hoot” when you want them to? These are what we call “owls.”

    If that were true, then we'd be up to our neck in owls.

  15. harry_palmer

    I thougt Jebus was coming back like any second now so his stooges I mean followers weren't supposed to bother about things of this world. I think that means you should give the sane people around you all your money while you're at it, fundie boy.

  16. Worthly Wokette Skum

    "It enjoys ravaging the body, until the body is dead" (2:12)

    Our narrator too, I suspect.

    1. DoktorZoom

      I am disappointed that no one has called him out on his egregious anthropomorphic claim that cancer "enjoys" ravaging the body. Surely a good Christian wouldn't attribute qualities of Mind to a mere cell, would he?

      Then again, these guys don't know the difference between a blastocyst and a human being, so never mind.

  17. politics_nerd

    also,

    AHHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    anyone else look at various news/net items and think, wait, am I looking at the Onion by mistake?

  18. Worthly Wokette Skum

    His contention that man's nature is to look not to God, but into a mirror, is rather undercut by his haircut.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Oh, I'd wager he's been "hugged" numerous times, in the bathroom stall at the local truck stop. Recently, even, also.

  19. sportshort

    Man I am so tired of this thinking stuff. Could someone come along and do it for me? Oh, and could they bring a pencil so that I can jam it into my forehead when I REALLY start to wonder about anything? K thnx, Bai.

  20. schvitzatura

    Flip a dystopian 'Murican coin:

    Republic of Gilead – heads
    Holnists – tails

    (both with a Popish overlay, natch)

    Voris is definitely a Pre-Vatican II mackerel snapper. Big fan of Charles Martel and Charlemagne, fo shizzle.

      1. undeterredbyreality

        And so long as he's selected by only the virtuous. Oh, wait. He selects himself, right? No voting. Hmm… Who gets to pick him, let's see… could it be……SATAN???

  21. freelancer

    Redition this ass to Gitmo already. At the very least, a US Attorney should spook him with threatening to indict him with Sedition or Treason.

  22. philpjfry

    Don't these jackasses know who and what they sound like? Who thought this was a good idea to say, "nobody but people who think exactly like me can vote". God such jackholes!!! Would love to be a fly on the wall when they actualy meet God. Come here fella, let me show you what to do with that pencil.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Are you new to this country?
      As long as he is advocating a Xtian Dictatorship, it's OK. No other religions need apply.

  23. AlldayEveryday

    ….I mean, having an all-powerful magic person rule us humanoids sounds fine to me, but this guy the christians are always talking about seem, well, aloof, AND he made that one guy not catch the football.

  24. inedalo

    my plan to reduce the govt. deficit- start taxing these tax-exempt religious churches that meddle in politics. they ain't supposed to be doing that. this will bring in lots of tax dollars and also tax all the churches, religious or not, and those phone Universities they run.
    hallelujah! we is gettin rich…

    1. GOPCrusher

      Kind of makes me what has happened to the Coral Ridge Freakshow. They were getting pretty heavy into the advocating insurrection against the legally elected President, that happens to be an African-American. About three months ago, they went off Sunday morning television.

  25. mrpuma2u

    The flying spaghetti monster will strangle this xtian dick-tater wanna be in a noodley appendage of righteousness. Amen.

    1. lunarmovements

      And, praise be to his noodliness, with another appendage may he snap that pencil into at least three pieces and forcibly insert them up his nostrils so as to clarify his thoughts and lift from him the burden of his excessive doucheyness. Amen.

  26. WIDTAP

    And yet I would bet that this fellow refuses to move to the one country that has actually instituted his proposal – Vatican City.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Iran also seems to have a thriving theocratic society. But I'm not sure if they allow Xtians to vote there.

  27. MarcelleMarceau

    The dunderhead just made the case for Communism at 03:02 in the video: The benevelolent dictator "protects his people from themselves and bestows on them what they need, not necessarily what they want."

    "From each according to their ability, to each according to their need." ~

  28. aguacatero

    Hmm …. a benevolent dictator to give people not necessarily what they want, but what they need.

    ALL HAIL HIS SATANIC/BENEVOLENT MAJESTY, KEITH RICHARDS!!!!

    I think I could live with that. Plus, he's immortal.

  29. Come here a minute

    It's been a long time, but back when I was a kid, I was hauled to Catholic church on Sundays. I remember it pretty well, but not the part about low taxes. Was that a beatitude? Blessed are the tax cutters.

  30. GiantGrouper

    I was just thinking the same thing a few days ago, but the only difference is that I think we should not let the people who believe in and follow God vote since they do not think for themselves, and instead just follow what a fictitious old book says. Sorry pal, all religions are wrong and there is most likely no God.

    P.S. Your idea that we need a dictator that will look out for the people is laughable. You just want the Cult of Christianity's ideas forced upon others.

  31. glamourdammerung

    At least they are finally being honest about their desire to be an American version of the Taliban.

  32. Callyson

    What everyone else here said.
    Also, Justin Bieber called and he wants his hairstyle (such as it is) back.

  33. DoktorZoom

    For the sake of accuracy, we should probably note that Voris walks back most of the blatantly treasonous stuff about needing a dictatorship in this followup: http://www.youtube.com/user/RealCatholicTV#p/a/u/

    It's sort of like the folks who say "We must take up arms and TAKE OUT these enemies of democracy"….and then say, once people point out that they said what they said, "Oh, come on–obviously I meant 'with VOTES'"

    1. keepem_sikanpor

      How dare you point that out! Don't you know it's people like you who are the real problem?

    2. SayItWithWookies

      I especially love how he explains that, firstly, there was a lot of discussion over a minor point that he hadn't figured would cause any controversy, but which obscured his central argument which, secondly, he never actually mentioned.

      So when I'm asking myself who would make a great benevolent dictator for our nation — someone who wouldn't let ego interfere with his sense of fairness and impartiality — I'm thinking it's the guy who blames his audience for not getting a point he admittedly never made.

  34. keepem_sikanpor

    I wonder what the professional victim from Wasilla will tweet about this? I mean 75% of what this STB said was a direct Palin diss (i.e. ignorant, self serving, self obsessed, etc). I bet she's pissed.

  35. undeterredbyreality

    Anybody else notice that his jeebus (in the commercial at the end) looks a lot like him, only prettier and bearded? ¿Mirror rorriM?

  36. gef05

    I found the mixture of bat-shit crazy rhetoric, I'm-talking-to-retards intonation, and pencil waving fetishism, to be deeply deeply erotic.

    And I vote.

    1. aguacatero

      I'm not yet persuaded that America will "win the future," either in the Obaman sense or the Gingrichillian (adjectivized that way because he's so much like Winston Churchill). But you, sir or ma'am, have won the afternoon.

  37. snoopyfan2010

    Shorter version: Why is it that you people can't understand that anything that benefits me is for the common good? And conversly anything that hurts me is obviously against society's best interests. Duhhhhhhhh………

  38. GregComlish

    Guys, you need to back off. This guy is speaking his mind with a sincerity and clarity unrivaled by any of his peers on the right. If only more members of the religious right would frankly acknowledge that they really just want a strong man to force their beliefs and superstitions upon everyone, then we could finally start to have an honest dialogue in the country.

    1. HedonismBot

      I had similar thoughts. One of the fundies finally had the guts to say out loud what they have all been thinking.

  39. SushOrDie

    Isn't the Justin Bieber haircut supposed to be the givaway that this is a goof? Otherwise, why would any man or boy over, say, thirteen sport those bangs? Seriously.

  40. HedonismBot

    Look at Europe. Benevolent dictators brought them out of the dark ages. Two World Wars, one holocaust, and Adolf Hitler later, and they caught democracy fever. Mostly.
    Oh, and pogroms and auto-da-fes. Good times.
    That said, Napoleon Bonaparte wasn't all bad.

    1. GregComlish

      Napoleon was an "enlightened despot" who brought enlightenment values to the superstitious masses by fiat. This guy's idol would be more like Savonarola, confiscating smut and burning the gays.

    2. SayItWithWookies

      He was an improvement — which says all you need to know about the state of European monarchies in 1800.

  41. Beowoof

    Only people we approve of get to vote and they get to vote based upon how devout they are in this guy's judgment. Well I am back to looking into moving to Canada. And he claims that the divine right of kings led to western civilization, and I have had this foolish idea that it was revolting against those monarchs and taking their power and giving it to the people that led to western civilization. Sheeee it what an asshole I am.

    These beliefs are clearly the result of his education in some asshole church school that is short on knowledge but long on preaching their fucked up interpretation of the Bible.

  42. catmaw12

    I could stomach this goofy guy for only 24 seconds 'cause my tummy began to rumble, my head started to hurt, my eyes began to cross, and it smelled like kitty farts around here. I vote for Rocky & Bullwinkle. Ummmm, I mean Boris & Natasha. Yeah. No, wait….

  43. Naked_Bunny

    There's nothing in the Bible about democracy — it's all king and lords and judges — so I'm glad to see the fundies stop giving it lip service, much less claiming they invented it.

  44. PublicLuxury

    Ok fuckers. The only people who get to vote are the ones that agree with me and vote in the manner that I demand. Got that? No differing of opinion. Only my opinion is valid. So suck it and give me all your money and weapons.

    Your Dictator the One True Person Chosen by Me,
    Peg

  45. fuflans

    HAHAHAHAA stb is some kind of sacred bachelor's degree (bachelor of sacred theology).

    dude is so TOTALLY going to washington university.

  46. dyedwool

    I've not read every single comment, so all apologies if astute Wonketteers have already made mention, but…he has Horny Head Coach Hair. Circa 1970 Through…I dunno. Now.*

    Which should immediately set off alarm bells. If the pencil in the hand didn't.

    And the creepy video. And the central message. Also.

    *Hairdo has also been favored by '70's sitcom actors and lead singers. And a young(er) Trent Lott. 'Nuff said.

  47. ttommyunger

    Haven't seen a closet queer that creepy since J. Edgar Hoover. Or maybe that guy from American Spunktaker, whatizname R. Rammitin Tyrell.

    1. Negropolis

      And, obviously in that order. He also has make up sex with the both of them, too. In reverse order. The bitch asked for it…and the wife doesn't mind, either.

  48. UW8316154

    "I need to raise $10 a month to maintain my video channel. Don't let Satan win with his financial attacks on me. You can donate a few bucks safely via Paypal. Jesus will bless you. " AND

    "Feel free to e-mail me with any interesting videos, pictures or articles that you find. "

    Are we still a warblog? Where is shortsx3 when we need him??

  49. ShaveTheWhales

    (1) "Voris"? I think not. Any Pratchett fan will recognize Vorbis with a rug.

    (2) I'm visualizing "dick tater" as a monumental boil on this guy's stubby. Duz it to you?

  50. jim89048

    With that look I was expecting a Payush Jindal/Kenneth the Page inflection, which would have made it more possible for me to get past the .05 mark.

  51. BanReligion666

    Yeah, I have an idea for the ideal dictatorship. Its the complete banishment of all bible thumpers to the middle east where they can spend the rest of their days debating Christian belief with Muslims and their belief system.

  52. SaintRond

    Consider the words of our Savior, "For thou art PETER and upon this ROCK I SHALL PLACE MY THRONE – UGH! UGH! UGH!"

    Now if that isn't a recommendation for gay sex, I don't know what is. So there!

  53. mourningnmerica

    The reason Catholic men give such good head is that they learn, as children, not to use their teeth when taking the Communion wafer.

  54. SaintRond

    Consider the words of our Savior, "For thou art PETER and upon this ROCK I SHALL PLACE MY THRONE – UGH! UGH! UGH!"

  55. slowhansolo

    I must assume someone else already expressed this, since I'm late to the party and much too stoned right now to read the entire thread. But it bears repeating.

    *ahem*

    Don't sing it, bring it. Seriously. Make your move, you poncy fucks. I'm sick to death of talky-traitors.

  56. MilwaukeeKent

    Needs more Flag and Cross. Closeted Christian Fascist Randian. Quote from some book, "Undigested Plato…" What scandal awaits this wrong-headed fellow?

  57. fartknocker

    Will this guy be on the Radio Free Bristol? I sense he may be show Bristol his heavy, enlarged pencil in her Wasilla room in her new Maricopa County abode.

  58. Neoyorquino

    I'm sorry, I didn't hear anything he said. I was enthralled by that epic Justin Bieber haircut of his.

  59. Laughitoff22

    As someone who has trouble thinking on my own, this sounds like a perfectly logical conclusion. Why would I ever need to vote anyway?

  60. Negropolis

    "What a country!"

    No, really, what a fuckin' country. I love this land. Obviously, you don't.

    Honestly, I had to stop after that line. This guy is so self-absorbed, so self-assured he'll never believe anything else than what he believes at the moment. This thing is chocked full of so much irony it's spilling over the sides.

    I haven't been this angry watching a video in a long time. Sometime, these people are so out there and so playing a part that it's humorous. Many of these people, though, are just plan dangerous in their smugness and self-assuredness..

  61. lulzmonger

    STB = syphilis, tertiary … Bieberhead.

    Dominionists – the Christian Taliban.

    Many names, one game-plan. The Family? Yep, that's them too. Fuckers prefer to lay low because they know lots of folks would happily string them up if they understood exactly what they want for all the "owls" who don't want to tithe to the Supreme Global Reich Of JESUS & be its obedient slaves. Small in numbers but big in influence. #1 reason that churches ought to be taxed.

  62. DataSnake

    In the bible, someone asked Jesus if he was going to start a dictatorship. His response? "My kingdom is not of this world".

  63. MarionNYNY

    On second thought, having watched the whole thing including the pitch for funds at the end, I'm convinced this guy has a great scam going and as a leader of a "religious" organization probably doesn't even pay taxes on it. I bow down before your grift!

  64. southernmuses

    hey- how come he didn't mention all those really good dictators that did such a fabulous job shaping civilization–like maybe Hitler or Pol Pot? He left a rather gaping and inexplicable interlude between the collapse of the Roman Empire (which he implies was dictator free) and the present. I am so confused.

  65. mog253

    Perhaps a stint in a country with a dictatorship, complete with secret police, no rights and a state religion (not his) would help to make him a more informed voter????

  66. mumbly_joe

    Right, the reason I'm in favor of gay people having the same right to marry the person that they love that I already can freely exercise, is because I secretly crave the cock, and not because it's an injustice identical in kind and magnitude to the anti-miscegenation laws that would have kept my parents and grandparents from marrying each other and forming the family that raised me, in more than half the country, at those times.

    Man, this guy totally has me pegged! I've clearly been motivated politically all these years by my hithertofore un-acted-upon-even-in-college cock-lust, and not by a basic minimum of human empathy!

  67. zumpie

    But I thought the Duggar Family was gonna solve his problem by making us a default Xtian country anyway! Though since Beiber Blowies Boy is a Catholic, I'm sure there's plenty of disagreement there, anyway.

    So are progressive Catholics (and there are many) selfish jackasses, too?

  68. SoxInTheCity

    For the first 30 seconds or so, he was making a good point — then it became clear that he was precisely the sort of ignoramus who should not be allowed to vote.

    Mostly, though, I'm embarassed for the pencil.

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