RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  3:28 pm January 26, 2011

Aliens Invade Earth For the Bargains

by Benjamin Frisch

  • Not content with capitalizing on measly humans, the world’s business leaders are meeting to discuss how to best nickel-and-dime our alien friends (don’t miss this fantastic infographic!). [ExoNews]
  • Donald Trump does not like the Chinese very much, which is ironic considering they both enjoy the gaudy, gold-gilded, bourgeois style of a New Jersey tanning heiress. [The Blaze]
  • The baby-killer-in-chief didn’t weigh in on those gross late-term abortions during his State of the Union speech, for some reason. [Michelle Malkin]
  • Barack Obama’s long-anticipated birth certificate will FINALLY premier during 2012 election, in both 3-D and IMAX. [Daily Mail]
  • A terrible political cartoonist apologizes for his own ineptitude within his very inept cartoon — if only all cartoonists were so honest. [RedState]
 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 57 comments }

teebob2000 January 26, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Oh, I see — he's carrying a TelePrompterZ. Hahahahahaha. That's funny, fuckface Toby.

mumbly_joe January 26, 2011 at 3:43 pm

It's funny, because if the animals in that cartoon were reversed, the cartoon would still be terrible, but at least it would be both relevant and true.

mavenmaven January 26, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Makes one long for the old Friday morning Wonkette bad cartoon feature.

Pithaughn January 26, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Malkin sure likes to cut and paste. If only the governing board that awards and takes away medical licenses was outsourced to some gun toting private contractor then this slaughter could have been prevented, I guess? I'm never sure what is better when it is privatized and what isn't.

WhatTheHeck January 26, 2011 at 3:48 pm

That Infographic is actually Sarah Palin's plan to win the presidency.

proudgrampa January 26, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Not funny. Never cared for Schulz, either.

metamarcisf January 26, 2011 at 3:51 pm

It's only funny if you bother to read the caption:
“I got a check for over a million in less than 2 weeks.”

ifthethunderdontgetya January 26, 2011 at 3:52 pm

We are indeed well beyond anecdotal evidence!

We had an actual alien give the Teabagger SOTU last night.
~

SorosBot January 26, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Arizona is still bringing the crazy I see. Hey crazy state congresswoman, there's no need for your bill since Obama already released his birth certificate, in 2008.

So, now that the ban on the so-called "partial birth abortions" and horrible restrictions on late-term abortions in states like PA have forced women needing late-term abortions into what is basically the dangerous equivalent of the pre-Roe back alley abortionist, some of the forced birth crowd has claimed this is further reason to ban abortion. No, you evil cretins; listen, Malkin et al, it is a sign that there are too fucking many restrictions on abortion now, along with a sign that many competent doctors are afraid to offer abortion service because they may be shot by a terrorist directly inspired by you.

Malkin ends with, ""Waiting for femmes to blame pro-life movement for all this in 3, 2, 1…": Well, duh, because THE "PRO-LIFE" MOVEMENT IS DIRECTLY TO BLAME FOR THIS, YOU DISHONEST EVIL FUCK.

undeterredbyreality January 26, 2011 at 4:09 pm

I regret that I have but one up-fist to give for this comment.

SorosBot January 26, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Why, thank you.

Moonbat January 27, 2011 at 9:05 am

Ditto. Well ranted!

lulzmonger January 27, 2011 at 5:11 am

Yep. Tiller was what, one of TWO Docs who did late-term abortions? I'm sure the post-meds are lining up around the block for a gig with such an awesome retirement package.

Made exactly this point in a comment over at NRO, where it is now "in the NRO queue" & thus should become visible right after flying hedgehogs shoot out of my ass … but at least some wingnut motherfucker has to look at a tiny iota of reality for a moment.

Hope they're not scarred for life.

Worthly Wokette Skum January 26, 2011 at 4:01 pm

From the poster: "We are really type O (energy from dead plants)"

This is true. I often get type O energy from dead plants. Usually carrots or cucumbers.

MinAgain January 26, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Klaatu barada nikto. Who knew that it actually meant "Buy low, sell high"?

ttommyunger January 26, 2011 at 9:10 pm

Or; "Glenn Beck is an insufferable whore!"

elviouslyqueer January 26, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Re: the TobyToons/Charles Shultz homage… anyone with even a passing familiarity with "Peanuts" knows that Franklin is the black one. Linus is the intellectual gay one. And neither Charlie Brown nor Lucy ever wore helmets. So in sum, Toby is a piss-poor cartoonist with the mental capacity of a sack of all-purpose flour.

Weenus299 January 26, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Marcie was the gay intellectual, when she wasn't satisfying Peppermint Patty.

elviouslyqueer January 26, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Half right. Marcie was bisexual before her time (she held a torch for Charlie Brown, remember?). But yea, Peppermint Patty was just Melissa Etheridge, the Early Years.

genxr January 26, 2011 at 5:00 pm

No no, Peppermint Patty had the hots for ol' Chuck. Marcie was 100% gay for the Pattie, who seemed kinda freaked out about that sometimes.

elviouslyqueer January 26, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Dammit. You're right. Mind you, Schroeder was always a bit of a worry.

teebob2000 January 26, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Oh, they cover that in the comments on RS. One dick pointed out that Obama is not an intellectual, but more like Frida who was only concerned about herself. Brilliant insight.

Rotundo_ January 26, 2011 at 7:41 pm

It's Red State; would you expect anything less than brilliant insight from the commenters? Just try saying that aloud without cracking up. I haven't been able to yet.

LiveToServeYa January 26, 2011 at 4:07 pm

So, business leaders preferred hearing about IPOs from space to hearing Sarah Palin give a motivational talk?

jim89048 January 26, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Jesus christ, I've already seen Obama's birth certificate more times than I've seen my own. Enough with this foolishness!

undeterredbyreality January 26, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Well. Finally "All your base are belong to us" begins to make a little sense.

BlueStateLibel January 26, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Don't let the teabaggers see the alien infographic–it looks like Michele Obama in the upper left. Perhaps plotting to sell the fatties out for alien menus?!

SorosBot January 26, 2011 at 4:34 pm

To serve man.

jim89048 January 26, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Best cookbook ever!

Maman January 26, 2011 at 4:19 pm

When the President's birth certificate premiers I bet it will still look like my Hawaiian-born father's (except Dad's says "Territory of Hawaii" . And yet my father will remain a birther. These nuts live in a fact-free zone and it is pointless to attempt to prove anything to them. You can't.

SayItWithWookies January 26, 2011 at 4:21 pm

So — Michelle Malkin believes that we should take some sweeping action against legal abortion because some guy was acting illegally? I wonder if her stance on gun control in response to the Jared Laughner murders is equally predictable?

ShaveTheWhales January 26, 2011 at 9:49 pm

Predictable? Sure.

Self-consistent? Whazzthat?

SorosBot January 26, 2011 at 4:28 pm

That Exo-news site is humorously crazy, which is a nice respite from the anger-inducing crazy of the other sites covered. The thing is, it's clear from the original article they reproduce that GCF Panel was both tongue in cheek and focused on the idea that there are almost certainly other civilizations somewhere out there, and not that aliens have visited Earth, as the site was trying to spin it.

Hell, I've read a number of Michio Kaku's books, in fact I'm reading one right now, and know that he doesn't believe in that junk. There's only one possible sign of intelligent extraterrestrial life we've ever detected, and that's just one interpretation of a signal that no-one's managed to find an explanation for: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wow!_signal

ShaveTheWhales January 26, 2011 at 9:50 pm

Well, there is Michele. Nobody says ETs have to be sane.

Weenus299 January 26, 2011 at 4:28 pm

If we outlaw abortions, only abortions will have fruitcakes.

user-of-owls January 26, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Man oh Manischewitz! How can you not be convulsed with laughter by that hilarious Toby!? Seriously, in terms of cutting edge humor, I can't think of any strip that even comes close. Well, ok, there's Family Circus, but aside from that….

ShaveTheWhales January 26, 2011 at 9:50 pm

Or Mallard Fillmore.

Weenus299 January 26, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Oh God. Everyone knows Lucy was a republican. Charlie Brown always, ALWAYS represents the democrat dorks like me. I'm not even going there with the Linus/Franklin thing with the … TelePromTer thing there?

Weenus299 January 26, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Andy Capp would've been better. I don't know how, but I envision something with soccer, smoking, and the mac-wearing battleaxe going after him with a rolling pin.

ShaveTheWhales January 26, 2011 at 9:51 pm

aka, every Andy Capp strip evah.

LionelHutzEsq January 26, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Red State: Continuing to prove that Conservatives have no sense of humor one bad post at a time.

genxr January 26, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Wow. All this time I've been making fun of redstate, but reading their comments, how utterly amused they are by that cartoon, now I feel guilty. It's not their fault they're special!

Oh and that cartoon looks like it was drawn by an elephant.

Tundra Grifter January 26, 2011 at 5:25 pm

So Arizona is going to pass a state law regulating who can run for President of the United States?

Whiskey Tango Foxtwat?

GOPCrusher January 26, 2011 at 5:52 pm

I thought they were working on a bill requiring anyone that runs for President has to provide them a copy of his/her birth certificate?

Tundra Grifter January 26, 2011 at 7:30 pm

Yep. But how can any one state pass a binding requirement (that effectively amends the US Constitution) regarding someone running for Federal office?

DataSnake January 27, 2011 at 8:21 am

State legislatures can determine who gets the state's electoral votes. Of course, it's not like Barry was ever going to carry AZ anyway…

donner_froh January 26, 2011 at 5:30 pm

I avoid reading right-wing hate sites in much the same way that I would avoid people who promote dog fighting or child slavery and for essentially the same reasons–those who run them, write for them and comment on them are foul, repellent beasts who make a virtue of their ignorance.

One of the many public services provided by my Wonkette is the occasional highlighting of particular outrageous effluvium from the ignorati in such a way that I can take a quick glance and get out. Michele Malkin? Red State? Clickity click, look into the maw of hell, slam the virtual door shut again.

GOPCrusher January 26, 2011 at 5:55 pm

They really are evil little shits, aren't they? And then they wonder why America turned to look at them when the news of the Tucson Massacre first broke.

Fox n Fiends January 26, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Michelle Malkin is really upset that she had those abortions in her teens.

sweetcommunist January 26, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Trump and China got nothin' on Russian oligarchs.

transfatz January 26, 2011 at 7:31 pm

T –> BANG!

We are well beyond
anecdotal evidence

Steverino247 January 26, 2011 at 7:34 pm

Obama could have been born on Pluto, but as long as his mother was a U.S. citizen, so was he. The two newspapers of record for Hawai'i printed birth notices, even. Who the hell really believes that some guy in Shithole, Kenya, has the resources to get two rival newspapers on the other side of the planet to print a lie just to support a run for President 40 years later by a black kid, who, at the time of his birth had exactly ZERO fucking chance of drinking from the same water fountain as whites, let along becoming President. On August 4, 1961, his parents couldn't have even gotten married in much of the United States, let alone think about having a kid make it to the White House as something other than a servant or cook. Stupidity alone does not explain this belief system. The belief that cutting your balls off and then drinking poison so you could catch a ride on a passing comet is an MIT Ph.D. dissertation by comparison to the birther belief system. Anyone who espouses this bullshit should not be allowed near a pair of Nikes.

SorosBot January 26, 2011 at 10:16 pm

Wish you had typed this earlier, because it deserves a lot more up-fists than it has.

lulzmonger January 27, 2011 at 5:21 am

WIN

ttommyunger January 26, 2011 at 9:16 pm

Irony and humor escape the Rightards. Most of them don't even get that Colbert is lampooning the Right. They do think inflicting physical pain on a perceived enemy is always funny, not much else, though.

lulzmonger January 27, 2011 at 5:28 am

In A.D. 2011
Seminar was beginning.
Presenter: What happen ?
Organizer: Somebody set up us the buy-out.
Organizer: We get signal.
Presenter: What !
Organizer: Main screen turn on.
Presenter: It's You !!
Klaatu Trump: How are you investors !!
Klaatu Trump: All your bonds are belong to us.
Klaatu Trump: You are on the way to hostile takeover.
Presenter: What you say !!
Klaatu Trump: You have no chance to negotiate make your bid.
Klaatu Trump: HA HA HA HA ….
Presenter: Take off every 'CDO' !!
Presenter: You know what you doing.
Presenter: Move 'CDO'.
Presenter: For great profit.

DataSnake January 27, 2011 at 7:43 am

I think there's a term for accusing your opponents of killing babies, but I can't quite remember it. I think it rhymes with "mud bible"…

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