OLIVE SANDWICH HOLD THE INJUSTICE PLEASE  12:53 pm January 26, 2011

Dennis Kucinich Suing House Cafeteria Over ‘Dangerous’ Sandwich

by Jack Stuef

It's always the douche with the popped collar who wants to sue.Congressman Dennis Kucinich is suing three companies that operate the Longworth House Office Building cafeteria because it served him a sandwich that “contained dangerous substances, namely an olive pit” three years ago. Yes, three years ago, in the thick of the 2008 presidential campaign, when suffered a stunning upset at the hands of Barack Obama. It has taken that long for Kucinich to come to terms with the awful things that sandwich did to him, probably because he needed prolonged therapy to overcome the denial and trauma. This sandwich committed “serious and permanent dental and oral injuries requiring multiple oral and dental surgeries,” according to the plaintiff. But those are just physical wounds. Worst of all, Kucinich has suffered a “loss of enjoyment.” The day we can no longer enjoy sandwiches is the day we are no longer human.

And how can you put a price on that? Here’s the lawsuit:

Kucinich Lawsuit

Gawker updates their story with a C-SPAN video from five days after the alleged incident, and they say Kucinich seems normal. Sounds like this sandwich is working the media hard to make itself look better.

This is what happens when you upset the Circle of Life by being vegan, children. Nature gets angry and breaks your teeth and your love for the only thing that is pure and perfect in this world: sandwiches. [Gawker]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 103 comments }

kenlayisalive January 26, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Whatever. If you were a wrinkled elf-man with a wife was as hot as his, you'd want to keep your mouth in working order too.

SmutBoffin January 26, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Probably cried himself to sleep on his wife's perfect bosom.

ttommyunger January 26, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Did not see claim that his tongue was injured?

ManchuCandidate January 26, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Hells yeah!

Oblios_Cap January 26, 2011 at 1:29 pm

"Now comes plaintiff Dennis Kucinich, by and through his attorneys…"

It sounds like he's still getting a little enjoyment to me!

arclight2012 January 26, 2011 at 1:45 pm

And she has a pierced tongue.

That little elf man signed a deal with the devil, for sure.

Not_So_Much January 26, 2011 at 2:15 pm

I'd like to make a motion that we never have to see or hear from Dennis unless it includes at least one pic, or a really excellent description, of his wife.

Sharkey January 26, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Elizabeth, I am hear 4 U!! What are U doin wid that luuzer?

zhubajie January 26, 2011 at 9:30 pm

Implant!

bumfug January 26, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Where did you get that picture, looks like Joe Lieberman doing an Elvis impression.

Kidneys4Sale January 26, 2011 at 2:11 pm

My first impression was that it was Kim Jong Il doing his Dennis Kucinich bit.

horsedreamer_1 January 26, 2011 at 3:34 pm

I loved his parody recording "Heartbreak Mohel".

thebaltimorechop January 26, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Why would you post about Kucinich without a picture of his sexy, sexy wife? For shame.

prommie January 26, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Imagine if this had happened to Chris Christie? Without sandwiches, he'd be a shell of himself, only half the man he is.

ttommyunger January 26, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Christie would have just slapped them cross-eyed.

natoslug January 26, 2011 at 1:15 pm

So, still five times the mass any one of us is?

HipHop0Potamus January 26, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Chris Christie chews?

Negropolis January 27, 2011 at 1:33 am

Yes, chews like a duck.

LionelHutzEsq January 26, 2011 at 1:34 pm

This could not happen to Chris Christie, because as soon as there was a possibility of something bad happening, he would book down to Florida.

Negropolis January 27, 2011 at 1:35 am

And only with half the pre-adult onset diabetes. I know; the horror, right?

Tundra Grifter January 26, 2011 at 1:00 pm

There used to be a "presumption of risk" doctrine when it came to restaurant food. If you ordered fish, you were supposed to know fish have bones.

Then in Oakland, California – home to many wonderful things in American life – a chicken burrito was served with a bone in it. The patron took the restaurant to court, won, and a new era began for all of us.

It's a beautiful thing, no?

prommie January 26, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Its joint and several liability what done killed our country.

WriteyWriterton January 27, 2011 at 11:58 am

And took our jerbs!

problemwithcaring January 26, 2011 at 1:46 pm

There also used to be this presumption that people should open their sandwich and perhaps briefly look in it, prior to packing it down their throats.

While it's sad to see such a presumption fall out of the realm of common sense, I think we can all appreciate the extra 28 seconds we now have to watch TV.

Come here a minute January 26, 2011 at 1:53 pm

The constitution leaves it up to the states whether to pass no-fault-sandwich laws.

StillGoinGreen January 26, 2011 at 2:00 pm

I thought there was already a "presumption of risk" precedent if you are in Oakland?? How did that case ever go through – change of venue to somewhere that doesn't know what an "Oakland" is?

WriteyWriterton January 27, 2011 at 12:00 pm

It's like the doctrine of Res Ypsilanti: if you get caught doing anything in Ypsi, you deserve a full measure of the law's retribution.

Chet Kincaid January 26, 2011 at 2:04 pm

No, fucking olive pits are a bit much, and so are bones in chicken sandwiches, for that matter.

Tundra Grifter January 26, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Upon further review – it was a chicken enchilada, not a burrito. My apologies!

Not quite as interesting as the recent Northern California "exploding escargot" case, however.

No – I'm not making this stuff up. Why do you ask?

GOPCrusher January 26, 2011 at 3:36 pm

The patron obviously was a liberal. A good Republiklan would take the personal responsibility for a bone in their chicken burrito.

WriteyWriterton January 27, 2011 at 12:01 pm

A good Republiklan would blame Bammer.

Fixed.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 26, 2011 at 1:01 pm

When sandwiches attack!
Oh the horror.
But I suppose an olive pit to Kucinich is like a bowling ball to normal humans.

bureaucrap January 26, 2011 at 1:47 pm

The olive pit actually was part of a conspiracy that also involved the tree that killed Sonny Bono. And there's a venus flytrap in the botanical garden waiting for Michelle Bachmann to come by and visit.

LiveToServeYa January 26, 2011 at 1:01 pm

His suit over the PIT OF DESPAIR will probably be as successful as his campaign to impeach Bush. Maybe he should just wait until the pit leaves office.

Oblios_Cap January 26, 2011 at 1:02 pm

He must have just been popping up from between Liz's legs for a quick breath and remembered that he needed to file this lawsuit.

He's been real busy the last three years.

hagajim January 26, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Man, life as Dennis Kucinich has to be the pits! I mean look at the guy…he looks like and elf, makes crazy (not in my opinion) statements and is nowhere near as famously as the batshit crazy Michelle Bachmann or St. Sarah…but he has a decent looking wife. Sounds like he ought to have his own reality show…Dennis Kucinich's outrageously socialist America might be a good title.

So he suffered a serious oral injury – does that mean he doesn't get oral anymore?

DoktorZoom January 26, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Salmon.

metamarcisf January 26, 2011 at 1:05 pm

He thinks HE has a problem? I just ordered smoked salmon at the Taco Bell drive-through and, instead received a lion-based meat extender and a subpoena from PETA.

Come here a minute January 26, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Shouldn't the sandwich have a criminal trial first?

V572625694 January 26, 2011 at 1:32 pm

It was a terrorist sandwich, so, yes it can have a trial in which we have already determined the outcome: guilty. It doesn't even matter if the sandwich was tortured at Gitmo.

chascates January 26, 2011 at 1:07 pm

I'm betting this sandwich had eggplant slices, chopped kale, and tofu mayo? Had he opted for something containing pork products he would have been a healthier, and happier, man.

Meat is murder. Tasty, tasty murder.

baconzgood January 26, 2011 at 1:20 pm

My Vegan Girlfriend gave a shirt that sais that. I'm not joking.

horsedreamer_1 January 26, 2011 at 3:36 pm

You should get her the matching shirt: Vegetables are rape.

GOPCrusher January 26, 2011 at 3:40 pm

So she doesn't do the Tube Steak Boogie?
I'd lose the girlfriend.

ManchuCandidate January 26, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Considering the relative sizes between Red Head loving Kuch and an olive, you'd understand why he had to sue.

Redhead January 26, 2011 at 3:41 pm

I had to read that about three times to realize you weren't referring to me. I need more coffee…

LionelHutzEsq January 26, 2011 at 1:08 pm

And is anyone surprised that it was an olive pit that attacked him. Olives, after all, are from terrorist and socialist countries like Iraq, Greece and California. They are just trying to bring about a crisis so that the Democrats can force nationalized dentistry down our throats!

This is exactly how the Nazi's took control of Germany. Dear God, Glenn Beck was right!

edgydrifter January 26, 2011 at 1:08 pm

I was once served okra in the Longworth cafeteria that was so slimy, so vile, so utterly repulsive that for years after I shuddered reflexively at the mere mention of that otherwise-lovely vegetable (fruit, whatever). I never realized before this morning how badly I was harmed by the Longworth cafeteria–the very same establishment that has ruined Dennis Kucinich's life!. Maybe he and I can turn this into a class action suit. I demand justice!

Zvi_Bleindmeis January 26, 2011 at 1:17 pm

If you look up "okra," you may find that it is associated with one of the loveliest adjectives in the English language: mucilaginous.

"Mucilaginous Gumbo" would be a great band name.

prommie January 26, 2011 at 1:33 pm

A double-bill with my nominee, "Marisleysis and the Miami Relatives"

widestanceroman January 26, 2011 at 1:30 pm

I was once told that the Sanskrit word, 'bindu' means both okra and semen, which may explain why okra smoothies are so seldom offered outside extreme fetish establishments.

prommie January 26, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Know, what you are describing, thats what okra is supposed to be like, slimy and vile.

WriteyWriterton January 27, 2011 at 12:05 pm

I finally used okra in a gumbo (okay, it wasn't real gumbo until I used okra), and I was surprised to find the sticky stuff inside. Does this explain Louisiana politics?

Canmon January 26, 2011 at 1:09 pm

At first glance, I thought that picture was of Kim Jong-Il.

Serolf_Divad January 26, 2011 at 1:09 pm

contained dangerous substances, namely an olive pit

You ever tried smuggling an olive pit through post 9/11 Airport Securty?

Word of advice: don't try, unless you're into full-fisted body cavity searches.

ttommyunger January 26, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Now I not only have to wonder who's been fucking Hadassah Lieberman all these years (she's kind of hot, Joe's a fucking Troll), now I have to wonder who's yodeling in Mrs. K's Canyon now that Dennis' Clit-Tickling gear is out of commission… Sigh!

Rotundo_ January 26, 2011 at 8:13 pm

Yodeling in the Canyon, I've always loved that phrase. Seems like a Roy Rogers lyric fragment. One can almost imagine Roy and Dale doing a duet…

ttommyunger January 26, 2011 at 8:34 pm

Believe the technical term for that is “69″. Going from distant memory, though.

Rotundo_ January 27, 2011 at 5:54 am

I know this, which makes it all the more delightful, you can almost imagine some wiseass in "The Sons of the Pioneers" slipping it into a lyric as a joke, and having them sing it, without so much as a chuckle before an audience of nice republican bank wives in Dallas to their great appreciation. Yo De Lay EE Hooo indeedy do. Thanks again for the chuckle.

ttommyunger January 27, 2011 at 9:47 am

Roy Rogers, Pat Boone and their ilk earned no envy from me. Perfection is too heavy a burden for me to even contemplate bearing.

WriteyWriterton January 27, 2011 at 12:06 pm

…which is NOT a prime number, btw. Not that it's anything less funny for that reason.

ttommyunger January 27, 2011 at 12:11 pm

It used to one of my prime numbers, now, not so much.

user-of-owls January 26, 2011 at 1:14 pm

It's a slippery slope here, people. Next thing you know the government will try to regulate desserts too. Why else would Obama be talking about torte reform?

baconzgood January 26, 2011 at 1:18 pm

"there’s a little problem with the… look this, this miniature bread. It’s
like… I’ve been working with this now for about half an hour. I can’t figure out… let’s say I want a bite, right,
you’ve got this…But then, if you keep folding it, it keeps breaking…So it’s, it’s a complete catastrophe"

-Nigel Tufnel-

Am I the only one who thought of this reading this article ?

metamarcisf January 26, 2011 at 1:25 pm

What's wrong with being sexy?

WriteyWriterton January 27, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Apparently.

jim89048 January 26, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Of course he eats in the cafeteria. I can't imagine Kucinich telling Liz to make him a fucking sammich.

Tundra Grifter January 26, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Remember the old joke? "He's a perfectionist. If he were married to Claudia Schiffer, he'd expect her to know how to cook."

MozakiBlocks January 26, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Seriously?

elviouslyqueer January 26, 2011 at 1:24 pm

According to the complaint, Kucinich endured pain, suffering, and loss of enjoyment. Following this same reasoning, I'm going to sue the shit out of John Boehner for making me hate the sight of tangerines and clementines.

PsycWench January 26, 2011 at 1:26 pm

No telling what a cherry pit might have done to him, maybe broken his jaw.

OneDollarJuana January 26, 2011 at 1:28 pm

And just that one time.

ttommyunger January 26, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Assholes!

problemwithcaring January 26, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Vegans, who everyone knows are vegans but wear leather loafers and pearls, annoy the hell out of me.

Vegans who wear leather loafers with height adjusters, sue their office's cafeteria over one olive in a sandwich wrap, but vote against the Patriot Act and illegal wars, I tolerate. This is why politics give me heartburn.

jim89048 January 26, 2011 at 1:31 pm

That's tofu anus burger…

ifthethunderdontgetya January 26, 2011 at 1:36 pm

You learn something new everyday here on Wonkette!

I wonder if they list it on the menu as "the Tofunus"?
~

wegot2dobetter January 26, 2011 at 1:31 pm

sooooo… your congressional colleague gets a bullet to the head and you're complaining about an errant olive pit in your sandwich and a broken toof? what a pussy.

baconzgood January 26, 2011 at 1:33 pm

I guess he's getting his frivolous lawsuit before the Prez pushes for Tort reform.

Worthly Wokette Skum January 26, 2011 at 1:33 pm

To be fair, when you're the size of Kucinich an olive pit looks pretty intimidating.

SaintRond January 26, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Yeah, but get real – oral surgery hurts like a motherfucker. And if you get too much of it and run around the house screaming in agony while looking for expired Oxies, your super hot young wife won't be as into it when you stick your tongue in her mouth. And that's the bottom line. I'd be pissed too.

SorosBot January 26, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Did the aliens do it in revenge for Dennis revealing their conspiracy?

sati_demise January 26, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Well, we all know how expensive good raw organic food is, dont we? DK is finding himself low on funds these days so he has to sue.

PsycWench January 26, 2011 at 1:48 pm

I had a roommate in college who broke a tooth on one of those mechanical bulls at a bar (the Urban Cowboy era). I wonder if she's weeping in despair at the gold mine she missed out on by being a drunken idiot 30 years too early.

Come here a minute January 26, 2011 at 1:48 pm

This is what happens in America after those goddamn right wingers keep ratcheting up the violent talk.

Let's see Sarah Palin try to explain this one away, with a hastily produced YouTube from her home studio/Oval Office.

Redhead January 26, 2011 at 1:55 pm

"when you upset the Circle of Life by being vegan"

Hey now. I'm vegan and I've never once been attacked by an olive, or any kind of sandwich. But you know who ELSE was attacked by food?

SorosBot January 26, 2011 at 2:10 pm

George Bush?

Redhead January 26, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Exactly! I think the lesson is more don't be a dumb asshole than don't be a vegan.

(by the way, who's the resident random-down-fist troll now that neilist exploded/imploded? you were at 0 pee for that comment just now…)

GOPCrusher January 26, 2011 at 3:54 pm

You know who else was a vegan?

chascates January 26, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Where I work we make English bacon, following the recipes of Maynard Davies.

user-of-owls January 26, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Another example of the old "Man Bites Pit" maxim.

jmarsh04 January 26, 2011 at 2:12 pm

If I may connect the dots, Glenn Beck-style…

Olive Pit–> Dennis Kucinich–> Red Heads–> Red Hot –> Hot Pastrami–> Cuban Sandwich–> Cuba–> Fidel Castro–> Orlando Hernandez–> El Duque–> Duke of Earl–> Doo-Wop–> The Supremes–> Antonin Scalia–> Fishing–> Dick Cheney–> Secret Meeting With Oil Industry Executives–> Exxon/Mobil–> Big Oil–> George W. Bush–> George H.W. Bush–> Prescott Bush–> Financing Nazi's–> HITLER!

How much more proof do you need?

MinAgain January 26, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Apparently, it stunted his growth, as well.

LionelHutzEsq January 26, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Fidel Castro announced he was pulling out of Angola.

A frustrated Angola could not be reached for comment.

Beetagger January 26, 2011 at 3:06 pm

This makes me lose some respect for the little fellow, hot wife notwithstanding. Man up, Tiny Tim.

sezme January 26, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Don't expect him to get any justice. The court is totally in the back pocket of Big Sandwich.

ShaveTheWhales January 26, 2011 at 3:16 pm

An olive pit in a sandwich is rather more unexpected than a fish bone in fish.

But how bloody hard does he bite down on his vegan sammitches?

horsedreamer_1 January 26, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Early to bed, Early to rise, helps make a man… Shit, there's a foreign body in here.

zhubajie January 26, 2011 at 8:54 pm

Is that photo Kucinich or Kim Jong-il?

JustPixelz January 26, 2011 at 11:07 pm

Kucinich once advocated a "Department of Peace". Good luck with that after rejecting the unborn olive branch in his sandwich.

Neoyorquino January 27, 2011 at 1:32 am

Fix his ass good — feed him a Broodwich. The most evil sandwich ever created. Forged in darkness from wheat harvested in hell's half acre. Baked by Beelzebub.

Negropolis January 27, 2011 at 1:38 am

How unfortunate. Kucinich used to be cool. Meh.

Shit, stuff must be rougher in Cleveland than even I thought.

johnnymeatworth January 27, 2011 at 11:09 am

Perhaps it came from Frank Zappa's Dangerous Kitchen….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYDCpXfZfI8

i_like_tigers January 28, 2011 at 9:06 pm

Hey this ain't funny. Dude had like 3 surgeries in response to said sandwich, and you have no idea what the copays are like on a keebler elf.

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