olive sandwich hold the injustice please

Dennis Kucinich Suing House Cafeteria Over ‘Dangerous’ Sandwich

It's always the douche with the popped collar who wants to sue.Congressman Dennis Kucinich is suing three companies that operate the Longworth House Office Building cafeteria because it served him a sandwich that “contained dangerous substances, namely an olive pit” three years ago. Yes, three years ago, in the thick of the 2008 presidential campaign, when suffered a stunning upset at the hands of Barack Obama. It has taken that long for Kucinich to come to terms with the awful things that sandwich did to him, probably because he needed prolonged therapy to overcome the denial and trauma. This sandwich committed “serious and permanent dental and oral injuries requiring multiple oral and dental surgeries,” according to the plaintiff. But those are just physical wounds. Worst of all, Kucinich has suffered a “loss of enjoyment.” The day we can no longer enjoy sandwiches is the day we are no longer human.

And how can you put a price on that? Here’s the lawsuit:

Kucinich Lawsuit

Gawker updates their story with a C-SPAN video from five days after the alleged incident, and they say Kucinich seems normal. Sounds like this sandwich is working the media hard to make itself look better.

This is what happens when you upset the Circle of Life by being vegan, children. Nature gets angry and breaks your teeth and your love for the only thing that is pure and perfect in this world: sandwiches. [Gawker]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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103 comments

    1. Oblios_Cap

      "Now comes plaintiff Dennis Kucinich, by and through his attorneys…"

      It sounds like he's still getting a little enjoyment to me!

    2. Not_So_Much

      I'd like to make a motion that we never have to see or hear from Dennis unless it includes at least one pic, or a really excellent description, of his wife.

  1. prommie

    Imagine if this had happened to Chris Christie? Without sandwiches, he'd be a shell of himself, only half the man he is.

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      This could not happen to Chris Christie, because as soon as there was a possibility of something bad happening, he would book down to Florida.

  2. Tundra Grifter

    There used to be a "presumption of risk" doctrine when it came to restaurant food. If you ordered fish, you were supposed to know fish have bones.

    Then in Oakland, California – home to many wonderful things in American life – a chicken burrito was served with a bone in it. The patron took the restaurant to court, won, and a new era began for all of us.

    It's a beautiful thing, no?

    1. problemwithcaring

      There also used to be this presumption that people should open their sandwich and perhaps briefly look in it, prior to packing it down their throats.

      While it's sad to see such a presumption fall out of the realm of common sense, I think we can all appreciate the extra 28 seconds we now have to watch TV.

    2. StillGoinGreen

      I thought there was already a "presumption of risk" precedent if you are in Oakland?? How did that case ever go through – change of venue to somewhere that doesn't know what an "Oakland" is?

      1. WriteyWriterton

        It's like the doctrine of Res Ypsilanti: if you get caught doing anything in Ypsi, you deserve a full measure of the law's retribution.

    3. Tundra Grifter

      Upon further review – it was a chicken enchilada, not a burrito. My apologies!

      Not quite as interesting as the recent Northern California "exploding escargot" case, however.

      No – I'm not making this stuff up. Why do you ask?

    4. GOPCrusher

      The patron obviously was a liberal. A good Republiklan would take the personal responsibility for a bone in their chicken burrito.

    1. bureaucrap

      The olive pit actually was part of a conspiracy that also involved the tree that killed Sonny Bono. And there's a venus flytrap in the botanical garden waiting for Michelle Bachmann to come by and visit.

  3. LiveToServeYa

    His suit over the PIT OF DESPAIR will probably be as successful as his campaign to impeach Bush. Maybe he should just wait until the pit leaves office.

  4. Oblios_Cap

    He must have just been popping up from between Liz's legs for a quick breath and remembered that he needed to file this lawsuit.

    He's been real busy the last three years.

  5. hagajim

    Man, life as Dennis Kucinich has to be the pits! I mean look at the guy…he looks like and elf, makes crazy (not in my opinion) statements and is nowhere near as famously as the batshit crazy Michelle Bachmann or St. Sarah…but he has a decent looking wife. Sounds like he ought to have his own reality show…Dennis Kucinich's outrageously socialist America might be a good title.

    So he suffered a serious oral injury – does that mean he doesn't get oral anymore?

  6. metamarcisf

    He thinks HE has a problem? I just ordered smoked salmon at the Taco Bell drive-through and, instead received a lion-based meat extender and a subpoena from PETA.

    1. V572625694

      It was a terrorist sandwich, so, yes it can have a trial in which we have already determined the outcome: guilty. It doesn't even matter if the sandwich was tortured at Gitmo.

  7. chascates

    I'm betting this sandwich had eggplant slices, chopped kale, and tofu mayo? Had he opted for something containing pork products he would have been a healthier, and happier, man.

    Meat is murder. Tasty, tasty murder.

    1. Redhead

      I had to read that about three times to realize you weren't referring to me. I need more coffee…

  8. LionelHutzEsq

    And is anyone surprised that it was an olive pit that attacked him. Olives, after all, are from terrorist and socialist countries like Iraq, Greece and California. They are just trying to bring about a crisis so that the Democrats can force nationalized dentistry down our throats!

    This is exactly how the Nazi's took control of Germany. Dear God, Glenn Beck was right!

  9. edgydrifter

    I was once served okra in the Longworth cafeteria that was so slimy, so vile, so utterly repulsive that for years after I shuddered reflexively at the mere mention of that otherwise-lovely vegetable (fruit, whatever). I never realized before this morning how badly I was harmed by the Longworth cafeteria–the very same establishment that has ruined Dennis Kucinich's life!. Maybe he and I can turn this into a class action suit. I demand justice!

    1. Zvi_Bleindmeis

      If you look up "okra," you may find that it is associated with one of the loveliest adjectives in the English language: mucilaginous.

      "Mucilaginous Gumbo" would be a great band name.

    2. widestanceroman

      I was once told that the Sanskrit word, 'bindu' means both okra and semen, which may explain why okra smoothies are so seldom offered outside extreme fetish establishments.

    3. WriteyWriterton

      I finally used okra in a gumbo (okay, it wasn't real gumbo until I used okra), and I was surprised to find the sticky stuff inside. Does this explain Louisiana politics?

  10. Serolf_Divad

    contained dangerous substances, namely an olive pit

    You ever tried smuggling an olive pit through post 9/11 Airport Securty?

    Word of advice: don't try, unless you're into full-fisted body cavity searches.

  11. ttommyunger

    Now I not only have to wonder who's been fucking Hadassah Lieberman all these years (she's kind of hot, Joe's a fucking Troll), now I have to wonder who's yodeling in Mrs. K's Canyon now that Dennis' Clit-Tickling gear is out of commission… Sigh!

    1. Rotundo_

      Yodeling in the Canyon, I've always loved that phrase. Seems like a Roy Rogers lyric fragment. One can almost imagine Roy and Dale doing a duet…

        1. Rotundo_

          I know this, which makes it all the more delightful, you can almost imagine some wiseass in "The Sons of the Pioneers" slipping it into a lyric as a joke, and having them sing it, without so much as a chuckle before an audience of nice republican bank wives in Dallas to their great appreciation. Yo De Lay EE Hooo indeedy do. Thanks again for the chuckle.

          1. ttommyunger

            Roy Rogers, Pat Boone and their ilk earned no envy from me. Perfection is too heavy a burden for me to even contemplate bearing.

  12. user-of-owls

    It's a slippery slope here, people. Next thing you know the government will try to regulate desserts too. Why else would Obama be talking about torte reform?

  13. baconzgood

    "there’s a little problem with the… look this, this miniature bread. It’s
    like… I’ve been working with this now for about half an hour. I can’t figure out… let’s say I want a bite, right,
    you’ve got this…But then, if you keep folding it, it keeps breaking…So it’s, it’s a complete catastrophe"

    -Nigel Tufnel-

    Am I the only one who thought of this reading this article ?

  14. jim89048

    Of course he eats in the cafeteria. I can't imagine Kucinich telling Liz to make him a fucking sammich.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Remember the old joke? "He's a perfectionist. If he were married to Claudia Schiffer, he'd expect her to know how to cook."

  15. elviouslyqueer

    According to the complaint, Kucinich endured pain, suffering, and loss of enjoyment. Following this same reasoning, I'm going to sue the shit out of John Boehner for making me hate the sight of tangerines and clementines.

  16. problemwithcaring

    Vegans, who everyone knows are vegans but wear leather loafers and pearls, annoy the hell out of me.

    Vegans who wear leather loafers with height adjusters, sue their office's cafeteria over one olive in a sandwich wrap, but vote against the Patriot Act and illegal wars, I tolerate. This is why politics give me heartburn.

  17. wegot2dobetter

    sooooo… your congressional colleague gets a bullet to the head and you're complaining about an errant olive pit in your sandwich and a broken toof? what a pussy.

  18. SaintRond

    Yeah, but get real – oral surgery hurts like a motherfucker. And if you get too much of it and run around the house screaming in agony while looking for expired Oxies, your super hot young wife won't be as into it when you stick your tongue in her mouth. And that's the bottom line. I'd be pissed too.

  19. sati_demise

    Well, we all know how expensive good raw organic food is, dont we? DK is finding himself low on funds these days so he has to sue.

  20. PsycWench

    I had a roommate in college who broke a tooth on one of those mechanical bulls at a bar (the Urban Cowboy era). I wonder if she's weeping in despair at the gold mine she missed out on by being a drunken idiot 30 years too early.

  21. Come here a minute

    This is what happens in America after those goddamn right wingers keep ratcheting up the violent talk.

    Let's see Sarah Palin try to explain this one away, with a hastily produced YouTube from her home studio/Oval Office.

  22. Redhead

    "when you upset the Circle of Life by being vegan"

    Hey now. I'm vegan and I've never once been attacked by an olive, or any kind of sandwich. But you know who ELSE was attacked by food?

      1. Redhead

        Exactly! I think the lesson is more don't be a dumb asshole than don't be a vegan.

        (by the way, who's the resident random-down-fist troll now that neilist exploded/imploded? you were at 0 pee for that comment just now…)

  23. jmarsh04

    If I may connect the dots, Glenn Beck-style…

    Olive Pit–> Dennis Kucinich–> Red Heads–> Red Hot –> Hot Pastrami–> Cuban Sandwich–> Cuba–> Fidel Castro–> Orlando Hernandez–> El Duque–> Duke of Earl–> Doo-Wop–> The Supremes–> Antonin Scalia–> Fishing–> Dick Cheney–> Secret Meeting With Oil Industry Executives–> Exxon/Mobil–> Big Oil–> George W. Bush–> George H.W. Bush–> Prescott Bush–> Financing Nazi's–> HITLER!

    How much more proof do you need?

  24. LionelHutzEsq

    Fidel Castro announced he was pulling out of Angola.

    A frustrated Angola could not be reached for comment.

  25. Beetagger

    This makes me lose some respect for the little fellow, hot wife notwithstanding. Man up, Tiny Tim.

  26. ShaveTheWhales

    An olive pit in a sandwich is rather more unexpected than a fish bone in fish.

    But how bloody hard does he bite down on his vegan sammitches?

  27. JustPixelz

    Kucinich once advocated a "Department of Peace". Good luck with that after rejecting the unborn olive branch in his sandwich.

  28. Neoyorquino

    Fix his ass good — feed him a Broodwich. The most evil sandwich ever created. Forged in darkness from wheat harvested in hell's half acre. Baked by Beelzebub.

  29. Negropolis

    How unfortunate. Kucinich used to be cool. Meh.

    Shit, stuff must be rougher in Cleveland than even I thought.

  30. i_like_tigers

    Hey this ain't funny. Dude had like 3 surgeries in response to said sandwich, and you have no idea what the copays are like on a keebler elf.

Comments are closed.