spoken like a true mama grizzly

American Public Says the State of Our Union Is ‘Salmon’

Finally our conflicting values reach common ground.
Last night, do-gooding public broadcaster NPR asked the American people to describe last night’s State of the Union Address in a few words. America’s overwhelming response: “Salmon.”

So if you look at this graphic they made, the mean response to the query is “Salmon inspiring education.” That is pretty close to what Obama was saying, right? We should look to our country’s salmon for inspiration, as they have a more stable society and economic system than the humans who live here?

When broken down by party, there are some divergences. Some Democrats offered the helpful word “Obama,” and Republicans tended to use the words “blah” and “bullshit” and “rah.” Both Republicans and independents focused to some extent on the word “smoked.” But people overwhelmingly agreed across party lines that this speech was about salmon.

So this is how Obama must govern this divided from now on: salmon. Hey, he said it. GOVERN THROUGH THE SALMON, FISH MAN. [NPR via Daily Intel]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Comments

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  • Not_So_Much

    Is our children learning?

    • elviouslyqueer

      No no. The new mantra is "Is our children smoking salmon?" GET WITH THE PROGRAM.

      • DoktorZoom

        Is our salmon smoking?

      • not that Dewey

        "It gets more complicated when it's smoked" is the new "it's a terrible thing to waste one's mind".

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org kenlayisalive

      Is are children spawning?

      • OneDollarJuana

        They are in Alaska, along with the salmon.

  • CalamityJames

    On the plus side, "Sputnik" seems to have tied with "things."

    • LiveToServeYa

      People meant to type 'Sputnik' but misspelled it as 'Salmon'. Bad schools. Needs more space teachers.

  • LiveToServeYa

    Orange, pole-smoked salmon. It's the pole-smoking orangeness. BLAH-BLAH-BULLSHIT-RAH!

  • PocketsTheClown

    WTF AMERICA COME ON

  • user-of-owls

    I was thinking more along the lines of "puce," but I can see how centrists might prefer "salmon."

    • x111e7thst

      Your rejection of "mauve" might lead some to accuse you of being a "parvenu" or at least an "enfant terrible".

      • user-of-owls

        Au contraire! Some have suggested that my comment is "non pareil."

        • Sophist [APPLAUSE]

          Sacré bleu!

      • V572625694

        Colorist pig!

        • user-of-owls

          Hey, at least I didn't go with my original impression: Indian Red.

    • Crank_Tango

      puce, pute, quoi-ever.

    • Negropolis

      Puce is so elitist and socialist et francais.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Out here in C'Addle we like to smoke our salmon. They are kinda hard to light, but once it gets a goin' wooo weeee.

    • LiveToServeYa

      At least they're not full of nicotine and tar like the Gulf of Mexico salmon.

    • PsycWench

      Ooooohhhhhh, when I heard about smoking salmon I wondered how they roll joints without fingers. I guess no one minds if the joint gets all slimy, so there's that.

    • CrankyLttlCamperette

      Where did you find papers big enough?

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Seriously EZ-Widers.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Marihuana-stuffed salmon: for the gourmand with a medical pot script.

  • SmutBoffin

    I used science machines, like on the TV, to enlarge and enhance that little word in the back.

    It says 'pubes'.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Well, that proves that at least one American watched Shelley's speechifying.

    • Sophist [APPLAUSE]

      Did you do it during a montage, while The Who played in the background? Because as I understand it that is how science is done.

    • SorosBot

      Did Christine O'Donnel give her own Youtube response too?

      • OneDollarJuana

        Except she was looking down the whole time.

      • James Michael Curley

        That's how the word 'pubes' got in. Or maybe Clarence Thomas.

  • DashboardBuddha

    A few years ago I went to a "comedy" improv show. One of the players called out to the audience for an emotion they could riff on. The first person to shout out said "moist".

    Moist – it seems our country has crossed the event horizon of the irretrievably stupid black hole.

    • CapeClod

      I was in an improv show once. We asked the audience for an adverb. The response we got was "Purplely."

      • Negropolis

        Ha, what a wise-ass. Purplely.

    • DoktorZoom

      Moist von Lipwig, banker and postmaster, would beg to differ.

      • BerkeleyBear

        By the Great A'Tuan, that one spun me widdershins across the Sto Lat Plains.

      • DashboardBuddha

        Up fists for you and BerkelyBear PLUS I will follow my fellow Pratchettphiles anywhere.

        • DoktorZoom

          If life had any justice, Sir Terry would live to be 120 and Michele Bachmann would be the one with early onset Alzheimer's.

          And again, I take some comfort from hoping that, somewhere in the Multiverse, that is actually the case. Sadly, we seem to live in a universe designed by "Bloody Stupid" Johnson.

          • DashboardBuddha

            Amen, DZ…amen. I just happen to be reading Witches Abroad (for the zilllionth time). I got a chuckle thinking about Bachman trying to explain her positions to Granny Weatherwax.

      • WriteyWriterton

        I had a brief e-mail exchange with TP's agent once. You may worship me.

  • lefty74

    Salmon stinks. Ever try to keep your blue dog from rolling in something that really smells baaaaaad? They just cant help it. They got to roll like a penticostal.

  • CapeClod

    I was so hoping that it was going to be "Belgium Waffles".

  • HolyMaracas

    I was surprised to see the word "Jobs" thrown in the mix.

  • freakishlywrong

    WHERE ARE JERBS? Stunning how when Republicans actually become responsible for governing, their annoying, Luntzian, repetitive memes go flying down the memory hole.

  • Oblios_Cap

    There's something fishy going on, that's for sure!

  • hagajim

    Salmon….that's about right. The future of the nation is full of lead, arsenic and mercury and pretty soon we won't be able to eat more than once a month…yeah I think Salmon is about right.

  • OneDollarJuana

    That graphic would look better in comic sans.

  • fuflans

    big bipartisan sounds vaguely dirty.

  • GortRay

    Are "hopeful hope jobs" some new sex thing the kids are doing?

    • http://jdsmithwriter.blogspot.com Smitros

      Don't even want to know what a "salmon job" is.

      • DoktorZoom

        See also "Wasilla Broiler"

        • Negropolis

          Which is under the category of "Twice-Baked Alaska".

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Make that good, clean, thirsty Wild Alaska Salmon not going with the flow.

  • Crank_Tango

    Smells like fish, but is good for you, so eat it. Sounds like pussy to me.

    • prommie

      Nah, pussy sounds like when you are trying to pull your foot out of the mud.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Salmon Brothers? They were bought by Citibank years ago. The must have meant Lehman Brothers…

  • nounverb911

    I usually go to Zabar's for my salmon.

    • prommie

      I usually go to Zabars for abuse, but every now and then, I get an argument, too.

  • SorosBot

    So the future of America is a long, grueling swim upstream, during which many of us will be caught and eaten by bears and Alaskans, until we finally reach our destination, engage in an orgy, have babies then die? Sounds about right.

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org kenlayisalive

      All of that, without the orgy and babies, probably. When we reach our destination, we'll be smoked and served on Mark Zuckerberg's yacht.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      But we at least get to have sex, right?

  • el_donaldo

    I'll have the salmon, with the arugula salad to start.

  • genxr

    When anyone mentions Sputnik, I immediately think of the 2,000 mile long salmon that is currently in orbit around Jupiter, so this doesn't surprise me at all.
    http://books.google.com/books?id=DpIwyu_ZW9AC&amp

  • SayItWithWookies

    How come "centrist" is all the way over on the right? Oh, wait — got it.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      I'd give that more thumbs up if I could. You, sir or madam, are extremely clever.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Ask not, what these Salmon can do for you ….

  • magic_titty

    Strange, considering most Americans respond to the word BURGERSANDFRIESWITCHEESE.

    • not that Dewey

      But not most NPR listeners. They respond to the word "muslimgarb".

  • user-of-owls

    Our current state of affairs would seem a whole lot less "Sputnik" and a whole lot more "Laika."

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    As in, Rushdie?

  • DoktorZoom

    Today we are all migratory fish.

    (EDIT: Protip: if you have no earthly idea what else to say, you can always go with "Today we are all…" It has been proven that doing so is good news for John McCain)

    • snoopyfan2010

      Or you could always ask "You know who else…..?"

      • UW8316154

        "All of them, Katie."

    • natoslug

      TOO SOON!!!1ONE!!!

    • jus_wonderin

      also

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        too

    • user-of-owls

      Frist!

      • WriteyWriterton

        An upfrist for that.

    • not that Dewey

      Unless it's been more than FIVE AND A HALF MINUTES since someone else made the same comment.

      Buttseks.

    • WriteyWriterton

      Done it.

  • CalamityJames

    I just looked a little closer and discovered that "American" was also used. Really? What fucking idiot would think of "America" when listening to the US Pres. give the SOTU to the Congress, military leaders, a portion of the SCOTUS, the American press and American people? I think they were just making Palin-dromes for the fuck of it.

    • James Michael Curley

      I think they were just being Palin-drones for the fuck of it. Fixed.

    • natoslug

      Obviously they made the whole thing up. I don't see Kenyan, Usurper or Bird Certificate anywhere in there.

  • Buckminster

    Need more bacon.

  • V572625694

    These "word clouds" are more or less the opposite of what a news organization should do with an important event like the SOTU. Instead of helping you understand what was presented, they just strip the words of meaning. Helpful!

    • LiveToServeYa

      Maybe a better term is 'word smoke', then.

    • lulzmonger

      WordNutz™!

      "More Fun, Less Content!"

  • GunTotingProgressive

    Well, it's an obvious metaphor… Salmon swim in schools!

  • GregComlish

    Nice work Salmon!

    Got to hand it to 'em. I wouldn't have expected the Salmon folks to outbid the oil industry or 'clean coal', but they definitely got first billing in last night's speech. You win this round, Fish. Let's see if you're still laughing when all the mercury from those 'clean coal' folks gets sent your way.

  • caged_wisdom

    Lax on tax. Mocks with lox.

  • http://www.kenlayisalive.org kenlayisalive

    This truly was Obama's Mohair subsidy moment.

  • CalamityJames

    Wait, where's "Nigger," "Kenyun," "Muslin," or "Birf Certifficut?"

    • snoopyfan2010

      That's on the dog whistle list.

      • Negropolis

        It's way the fuck off to the right and written in invisible ink.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Kenyuns? Are those like Funyuns, but made from sweet potatoes/yams?

  • Ramon X

    They're hard to keep lit.

    • Oblios_Cap

      And it takes a Big Bambu album paper to roll the bastards up.

  • Boredw/Gravity

    Salmon. For our salmon-hued Speaker of the House.

    • LiveToServeYa

      Is nothing free of Boehner's orange taint?

      • http://wonkette.com/ sweetcommunist

        Stop talking about Boehner's five-inch taint!

  • http://estevancarlos.com american__mutt

    I remember when facebook was some stupid web service any college kid with some funds and a computer could've put together in 2004. Now it's been mentioned in the state of the union. Bollucks!

  • widestanceroman

    So morbidly obese America hears that speech and remembers the edible item. Anyone recall the Far Side cartoon of what is said to dog vs. what dog hears (blah, blah, blah, Ginger, blah, blah, blah, Ginger, blah, blah)?

  • LiveToServeYa

    SALMON Inspiring hopeful future education innovation, optimistic inspirational hope jobs, with big bipartisan together: see ANALYSIS

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Doesn't this just prove that America was hungry when they were watching/answering the polls?

    Or was it just a reaction to mixing Boehner Orange with Bachmann Jaundice Yellow? That sort of gets your a salmon color, right?

  • jim89048

    Thanks for all the fish. Too bad I'm deathly allergic.

    • Oblios_Cap

      So long!

  • DashboardBuddha

    Wasn't there some kind of "you know you're gay if" thing where if you identified the words salmon, sage, and peach as colors instead of food? Was Hopey sending a shout out to the gheys?

    • Crank_Tango

      jeeze, combined together that way, who can think of them as food? barf.

    • DoktorZoom

      Are you saying it was a fag-whistle?

      • DashboardBuddha

        Is there such a thing?

  • Ruhe

    Sure America said Salmon but what if what they really meant was "Obama reminds me of that Sal Bass guy." Think about it.

  • chascates

    Simple free association:
    Salmon = dead fish = stench = tea party = government train wreck

    Salmon is the metaphor for our political woes. Man, I'm so sick of hearing about all that salmon.

  • Extemporanus

    In the illiterate American public's defense, my autocorrect changes "seemon" to "salmon", too.

    • user-of-owls

      That's funny. Google Translate does the same thing when I try to convert Rasta to English.

  • Winnie_Cooper

    Maybe my boyfriend's TV has terrible color, but I am assuming that this was in response to the color of Boehner tie. Now everyone is obsessed with salmon. The color salmon is pervading American politics. It's the Manchurian Necktie!

    EDIT: Having googled photos, the tie looks pretty damn pink. Indeed, the TV that I was watching it on just plain sucks. My already-terrible jokes are further ruined.

  • DoktorZoom

    Only dead fish go with the flow

  • Come here a minute

    I thought he was about to go Forrest Gump on salmon … Anyway, like I was sayin', salmon is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey's uh, salmon-kabobs, salmon creole, salmon gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There's pineapple salmon, lemon salmon, coconut salmon, pepper salmon, salmon soup, salmon stew, salmon salad, salmon and potatoes, salmon burger, salmon sandwich. That- that's about it.

    • jus_wonderin

      It's like that Bing commercial. grin.

  • Redhead

    Salmon is too elitist. Real Americans eat fried chicken battered in cheetoh crumbs.

  • jus_wonderin

    How far behind the times am I that I didn't know what a word cloud was/is????? And don't go telling me they replaced Bakelite with some fancy, schmancy, futuristic polymer. Don't do it!!

  • teebob2000

    SALMON!!

    • SorosBot

      T

  • Toomush_Infer

    I can't help it – it was salmon chanted evening….just shoot me…

  • MinAgain

    I'm confused. Probably because I don't get enough omega 3 fatty acids in my diet.

  • citizenkitteh

    Honestly, the most mysterious part of the SOTU was when POTUS got a big laugh over "And I hear it gets even more complicated once (salmon are) smoked". Probably some arcane inside-the-beltway corridors-of-power private joke. If you don't get it, you're a commoner.

    • not that Dewey

      The same can be said of so many substances….

  • lulzmonger

    Word-clouds are to political analysis what the appendix is to human anatomy.
    Obama's just keeping the tradition* alive.
    ————————-
    * Dubya, eleven years earlier: "I know the human being & fish can coexist peacefully."

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Don´t be slammin´ the salmon
    it was a smokin´ joke

  • PublicLuxury

    The 'Mericans' think that we are swimming upstream and will be eaten by a hungy bear. Ok. Sounds like a plan.

  • Negropolis

    American Public Says the State of Our Union Is ‘Salmon’

    Hell, that makes about as much sense as everything else in recent America politics. The State of Our Union is Salmon, indeed.

  • Negropolis

    BTW, you know who else has a fondness for talking about salmon and our wildlife and nature and things of that such that make this U.S. America the most exceptionalist God-blessed nation in the world for which the terrorists hate us for our freedom? Hengh?

  • Negropolis

    Honestly, smoke 'em if you got 'em.

  • horsedreamer_1