stephen king's "carrie"

Relive Michele Bachmann’s Insane Speech To Her Devil!

Here's the story, of a crazy lady, who was talking to a devil to her right ...Did you love Michele Bachmann’s super crazy web-cam deal last night, when she literally spoke to her Spirit Devil for something like seven minutes, as it hovered several feet away from the video camera? Well then, you will certainly want to watch it again, at the office. You know how cats sometimes “see something” in a distant empty corner of the room and then their eyes get SO BIG and their ears fold back and then they just take off running through the house as if they are being pursued by an Actual Devil Monster? This is Michele Bachmann’s whole life! It’s a hard life!


Ha ha ha, this cannot be “unseen.”

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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176 comments

  1. Serolf_Divad

    No, no, no, no, no, closing those krazy peepers makes Bachmann a little easier on the eyes, but still no, no, no….

    OK, I'm done.

    1. Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Jeepers, creepers, where did you get those peepers?

      Creep-show, peep-show, where did you get those eyes?

    2. MaxUdargo

      Watching women like Bachmann and Ann Coulter and Katherine Harris, I've finally figured out what it is that gives them that distinctive "crazy right-wing woman" look: their eyes don't get smaller when they smile.

      When most women smile, their eyes kind of scrunch up all cute-like as their smile pushes their cheeks up and their cheeks, in turn, push up against their eyes. But not crazy right-wing women. Their eyes stay big. It's like the rest of their face knows to carefully tip-toe around the crazy eyes. Don't push the crazy eyes, Mr. Smile, because the crazy eyes will fuck you up.

      1. MaxNeanderthal

        Notice how the eyebrow curve and the eyebrow-to-hairline distance never changes, even when she is anally penetrated? So much botullism toxin, so few insane old hags to pump it into………

      2. Negropolis

        That's what it is! You've figured it out. It was bothering me, too. The smiles are always so unnatural, like it some kind of learned behavior they were taught on the mothership so as to blend in with humans, but we can spot the aliens.

  2. Barbara_i

    Cats also lick their own asses to improve the taste of their palate after listening to Bachmann speak.

  3. JoshuaNorton

    Hey Michele? Over here. No, over here. Ah, screw it.

    Apparently a fence post or a box of rocks was unavailable.

    1. jodyleek

      Fence post and a box of rocks? Are you trying to build your very own FrankenBachmann? The box of rocks might not be dense enough, though.

    2. CookiE_MonstA

      Apparently, she was looking into a web cam that was streaming to a Tea Party Web site. So, if you were watching on the 'Lame Stream' media and got the impression she was not talking to you, she wasn't. She was only talking to Tea Party Nation. Cause no one matters but the people in this room, no one out side of this locker room has any respect for us. The Tea Party is Politics made Sport and they are playing the disrespect card for all it's worth.

  4. x111e7thst

    The American People have spoken through Michele Bachman's mouth. The Truth is Made Manifest. (Stop mocking this solemn moment Ken.)

  5. el_donaldo

    The sequence of faces in that banner pic? It seriously looks like she's taking a satisfying dump. Which in a way I guess she was.

  6. baconzgood

    I'm giving her an official new name "Chisel Face" Shelly. Because she needs a chisel to get all that make up off her face.

  7. SorosBot

    AAAHHHH! Having that image at the top of the page is going to give us all nightmares; and no, I am not watching that.

    1. lulzmonger

      Oh go on! Don't be such a scaredy-cat! Join the 397 endless seconds of unspeakable eldritch horror that will rape your soul & make death seem like sweet, sweet release fun!

  8. Preferred Customer

    Gah, I couldn't make it past the first sentence. "Good evening, my name is Congresswoman Michele Bachmann…"

    No, no, no. Your name is Michele Bachmann. Your *title* is Congresswoman.

    Unless you legally changed your first name to Congresswoman, which, come to think of it, you probably did.

    EDIT: OK, I soldiered on. Did she really just blame Obama for not reinflating the housing bubble?

    1. Billmatic

      "Did she really just blame Obama for not reinflating the housing bubble?"

      Of course. The Tea Party platform is "Everything is fine we don't need to change anything!!!"

      1. SorosBot

        According to the teabaggers and Fox News, there never was a housing bubble; the mortgage crisis was caused by anti-discrimination laws forcing the banks to lend money to black people.

    2. snoopyfan2010

      Yes, she did. It is as if nothing happened at the end of 2008 that would result in sudden job loses.

  9. Come here a minute

    The phrase for the extra politeness demonstrated by residents of a certain Midwestern state is 'Minnesota nice'.

    The new standard for lunacy is 'Minnesota crazy'. Good job Michele, that raccoon look is great on you!

  10. freakishlywrong

    When I hear the stupid name "tea party", (which is just far-right, extremist, Republicans re-branding themselves because "bigoted militia" doesn't sell), I think of "tea potty" for some reason. Then I see Bachmann and all I can think of is that she probably smells of stale urine and possibly egg salad.

    1. problemwithcaring

      Right. And her 'ggestion to stop the EPA from doing something it hasn't done yet or said it would do, fixes our current broken economic system how, again?

  11. CalamityJames

    If you combine the above screenshots with the "moist gasping" audio of Palin's menstrual libel speech, and you might possibly get a semi.

    You might also use that semi on a crowd in a supermarket parking lot, but that's just one possible outcome.

    1. problemwithcaring

      Speaking of interrupted masturbation, Michelle's manic gesturing and desperate attempts to both casually impress us and appear at ease in the video bring to mind Natalie Portman's stagemom in that movie, Urban Swan. That frantic bit of self conscious cheerleading at the end was just shy of "America you are so perfect that you should maybe kill yourself."

  12. Serolf_Divad

    Let's play a game: which one most closely resembles Bachmann's O-face?

    My guess is #7

    #3 is when hubbie pays a visit through the back door.

    1. walstib

      #1-#5 – wait, you want to put that where?

      #6 – it's in!
      #7 – it's wiggling
      #8 – thinking of england

  13. Texan_Bulldog

    Wonder how Snowbilly's handling Michelle getting all this attention. I'm not sure which one of these two broads is crazier, dumber or more evil.

    1. fuflans

      i'm not sure either but i wish the republicans would bless us with a batshit crazy queen who had a voice that actual humans could listen to.

    2. teebob2000

      If you played MFK with those 2 cunts and, oh, I dunno, "Mrs. Clarence Thomas: Civilian Teabag Queen", would KKK be an option?

      Hey, see what I did there?

  14. Ducksworthy

    It really is heartening to know that paranoid schizophrenics are so well represented in the USA House of Representatives. (ps many female schizophrenics were sexually molested as children, just sayin')

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      But that falls dangerously close to caring for the mental health community; therefore supporting Obamacare; therefore spitting on the Regan legacy of unleashing an untreated socially disturbed population subset into the general population so that they can mow down their elected representatives as their voice to freedom.

      1. Ducksworthy

        Some call them an untreated socially disturbed population subset but the GOP calls them its base (along with regular unrepentant racists of course).

  15. crybabyboehner

    It was a miracle that we beat the Japs!

    They had Kamikaze pilots, and we only had the atom bomb.

  16. umm_huh

    Well, she couldn't have been looking at a teleprompter because that's what elitist commie muslins use. Plus it requires the ability to read.

      1. umm_huh

        Oh, good. So literacy is okay now.

        I actually think there was some sort of reflective surface off-camera so she could make sure her overly-Botoxed facial expressions matched what she was saying:
        "[Serious face] screech, screech, screech… [Angry face] screech, screech, screech… [Oh-my-god-I'm-so-pretty face] screech, screech, screech."

  17. prommie

    Just wow. Woweee wow wow wooow. So crazy, so stupid, so much foster-farm grifting, so much fetus-fetishing, so much Randian "all government is communism" gibberish, all in one wild-eyed, crazy-assed package. I love her so much.

    1. Ducksworthy

      I want to see a report on how her 23 or 700 or whatever it is foster farmed children turned out. Are they all now members of her Christ the Grifter church?

      1. prommie

        Remember when Newt Gingrich was touting Boys Town as the cure for our social ills, by which he meant, we need to take all the black babies away from their parents and raise them right, you know, like Australia tried with the aborigines? And the funny thing is, Newt didn't seem to know that the most famous alumnus of Boys Town was Charles Manson.

  18. VaWyo

    I prefer to watch Sara imitating her. Because it is funny and is supposed to be funny. Real Bachmann talking is funny but is supposed to be serious and it just ends up being scary. What is wrong with this woman? What a crackpot.

    At least she didn't talk about the founding father's hatred of slavery and how nice everyone here has always been to immigrants.

    She's not going to be elected president, is she? Good lord.

    1. Ducksworthy

      How long did the Roman empire last after Caligula appointed his horse to the senate? Of course China wasn't much of a threat back then.

  19. walstib

    When are the masses going to rise up and force Bachmann to wear the damn Tophat?

    Isn't this in the Tea Party rules or something??

    Tophat or GTFO Michelle.

    Tophat.

    Or kiss Sarah – with tongue. Your choice.

    1. GeorgiaPeachy

      Let's face it, the reason she and Snowbilly are so popular is that real Amurrikans are yearning to see some hot Shelly-on-Smelly action.

  20. MittsHairHelmet

    Back in the day, cynical GOP politicians (and that includes Roger Ailes) exploited the fear, ignorance and racial/cultural grievances of lower-class whites to win elections but those politicians never actually believed the garbage they were spewing. This is the "Rile up the base and then ignore them after the election" strategy and it worked most of the time, right up to 2004.

    Now those fearful, ignorant and borderline racist people are actually taking control of the GOP and the cynical politicians are powerless to stop them. They target "RINOs" for primaries and believe the problem with the Bush administration was that it wasn't conservative enough. They believe that tax cuts solve every problem, because thats what they've been told since 1980.

    And now, through the Tea Party, they're electing and elevating people who are just as deluded as they are. Like Michele Bachmann. She's a true believer.

    This is called "You reap what you sow."

  21. elviouslyqueer

    As a gay man, Bachmann's husband really should have advised her against using that horrible shade of eye shadow. I mean, it does nothing for her zombified complexion and brings out the crazy in her eyes a wee bit much.

    /Clinton Kelly

  22. HempDogbane

    The people who warned about flouride in the drinking water were right. This is an actual comment after yesterday's Minnpost Glean story re: Michele's speech:

    ' "With people like Michele Bachmann sucking up so much attention…"

    There ist is, in THE VERY FIRST LINE today!

    The disdain, the elitist sneer, the out and out quaking fear that an attractive woman with conservative values will be our next President.

    Can't wait to see her eviscerate The One tonight."

    1. ttommyunger

      Have yet to see an attractive woman with conservative values. I've seen a couple of fuckable ones, but my standards are really low….really. You should see some of the women I've fucked. I don't even like to think about it.

      1. ShaveTheWhales

        To me, it depends on whether you're talking about conservative values or "conservative" "values".

        1. ttommyunger

          I have learned not to discuss politics with real or potential partners. Rightard values are just too powerful a boner-killer.

  23. LiveToServeYa

    Sarah Palin must've been standing off to the side with MB's speech notes written on her hand(s). TEABAGGINPROMPTERZ. Now with more crazy.

  24. SayItWithWookies

    There is nothing wrong with Michele Bachmann that can't be fixed with electroshock therapy, Lorazepam, four years of intensive remedial high school history and civics and exile to St. Helena. Probably.

    1. KevoTron

      Can we at least find some way to dial it down a bit?

      There might actually be a dial on her somewhere…

      1. SayItWithWookies

        I'm not touching that dial, even if she has one. Especially if she has one. Also, good to see you!

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      Actually, most 'baggers are so blocked up with cholesterol and the diabetes, I don't think they have fapped in years. Which, when you think of it, explains the anger.

  25. Wadisay

    As a Minnesotan, I occasionally drive through or near the 6th Congressional district. I do avoid drinking the water there, however.

  26. thefrontpage

    From Bachmann's speech last night:

    "We must stop this blood libel from Democrats, liberals, leftists, progressives, independents, people in Maryland and Massachusetts, environmentalists, reporters, journalists, Planned Parenthood, NARAL, NAACP, Greenpeace and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum in Cleveland. They are all disciples of Satan, and they're all going to hell. They are not my brothers and sisters, and they are not your brothers and sisters. Obama is a foreign-born Islamic socialist. The Holocaust did not happen. Big business and greed are good. We don't need all of these environmental, global warming and climate change laws–it's all a conspiracy against big business. We need more oil drilling in environementally-sensitive areas. We don't need government laws to protect the environment. Liberals are evil demons from hell. Thank you. I'm crazy."

  27. BornInATrailer

    I'm not watching that video so I'm just going to assume those stills were her recorded reaction to viewing "2 girls/1 cup."

  28. elviouslyqueer

    Jesus Christ on a Unicycle, I haven't seen this much crappy acting since I walked out of "Sex and the City 2."

  29. teebob2000

    Lip-reading starting from upper-left:

    "My teats, you see, are nice."

    You don't have to watch the video now. You're welcome.

  30. Not_So_Much

    My most favorite part of the evening was when Brian Williams had her on the last 4 minutes of the NBC broadcast. The only topic they had time for was to discuss her being an attention whore and pissing off the party elders. Not one dry fart about whatever mouth noises she made in her "rebuttal".

  31. fuflans

    a blogger over at the economist said:

    "First, Ms Bachmann is not a serious politician or thinker. That speech could not have defeated a mediocre high-school debater. Second, she's running for president. The notion that this wasn't intended to undercut Mr Ryan's speech is laughable. Apparently the financial crisis was a minor storm compared to the tsunami of Mr Obama's economic policies. And the debt is all the Democrats' fault. Those types of claims are hardly worth debating."

    which is all my way of saying no fucking way i'm listening to 6 minutes of michele, one L.

  32. Boredw/Gravity

    The entire time I watched her look off into the distance, I kept thinking "back, and to the right; back, and to the right."

  33. GortRay

    She is clearly crazier than a bag of bees. And yet, millions worship her. But I think she would be great as Queen of the Damned on "True Blood."

    1. BarackMyWorld

      She also ignored what the actual unemployment rate and deficits were when Bush left office, and tried to make Obama's election and the rise in those two things, as well as gas prices, simple cause and effect.

  34. Preferred Customer

    You misunderstand her point. Victory at Iwo Jima was against all odds because there was a Democrat in the White House.

  35. baconzgood

    I've been reading Snarks on this woman and I gotta say she's tooooooo easy. It's like being in an archery tournament where you're allowed to walk up and stab the target with the arrow in your fist.

  36. LionelHutzEsq

    So, we are all in agreement that in true Mad Hatter fashion, she is suffering from mercury poisoning?

    And does that explain the jaundiced yellow hue she had on TV, or was she just trying to differentiated herself from Boehner Orange and Obama Black?

  37. NorthStarSpanx

    I think he barely can stand to look at her, much less touch anywhere near her eyebrows stapled to her hairline.

  38. JustPixelz

    That li'l gal sure knows her history! Just kidding, she makes it up on the spot.

    In the beginning… "Two years ago when Obama took office, the debt was $10T, unemployment was 8%…" and she goes on (at least until 1:12 when I stopped) to explain how bad things got. This is a fun game!

    Ten years ago, when George W Bush took office, America was at peace with a budget surplus and solid financial sector. After just two years in office, we were at war in Iraq over imagined WMDs, running huge deficits. The economy was faltering and — though we didn't know it at the time — Bush had sown the deregulation seeds of the massive financial collapse in 2008.

  39. sati_demise

    I was disappointed there was no turkey killin' in the background.

    But she had her version of the Constitution, minus the whole slavery thing. And minus the discrimination against the Irish, Chinese, Native Americans, Jews, et al. She probably thinks that photo is the aftermath of 9/11.

  40. Nopantsmcgee

    Hahaha! You know what's funny? When I try to point something out to my cat and all she does it look at my finger! Haha!

    I'll bet that's similar to what the director , or whatever, thought while broadcasting this.

  41. genxr

    She studied the archival footage and should have realized victory was inevitable when she saw John Wayne wade ashore.

  42. GregComlish

    If you ask me, it is high time that the high-profile closeted Republican implicated in a depraved homosexual scandal was a woman. The natural progression of the Republican party will not be complete until Michelle Bachman is caught losing a strap-on showdown with a meth-addled Suzie Orman.

  43. jim89048

    I belong to a fraternal order that uses as it's motto "credo quia absurdum". It helps me get through such things as bachmann's speech.

  44. chascates

    God then called me to run for the United States Congress, and I thought ‘What in the world will that be for?’ and my husband said ‘You need to do this,’ and I wasn’t so sure, and we took 3 days and we fasted and we prayed and we said, ‘Lord. Is this what you want? Is this your will?’ and after long about the afternoon of day two, He made that calling sure. And its been now 22 months that I’ve been running for United States Congress. Who in their right mind would spend 2 years to run for a job that lasts 2 years? You’d have to be absolutely a fool to do that. You are now looking at a fool for Christ. This is a fool for Christ.
    Michele Bachmann, 2006

      1. Extemporanus

        Every now and then I fall apart.

        (Boo! Mean ol' Steve Jobs won't let me watch that video!

        I'm going to pretend it was "Betty Davis Eyes" by Kim Carnes, and fist you the fuck up.)

    1. SorosBot

      The sudden, inexplicable appearance of ninjas, 50s bikers and the like would improve Bachmann's speech quite a bit.

      1. Extemporanus

        Huff a fresh can of WD-40, and then watch her speech again.

        See 'em, now? 'Cause they're there, man! Look! Behind the chart…behind the flag…See?! OH YEAH! They are FUCKING THERE MAN!

        JESUS FUCK A FUCKING 50s KAMIKAZE NINJA BIKER JUST CRASHED UP HER FUCKING SKIRT OH MY WHAT THE FUUCCKKK?!!

      1. Extemporanus

        Oh my god, dude! Zombie Brian Jones fucking killed it on axe!

        Michele did a pretty good job as a freezer drum damper, too!

  45. genxr

    I admire her sense of compromise. When faced with two cameras: one from Fox News and one from the Tea Party Express, she had to make a choice. Instead, she decided to face one camera and look at the other. Brilliant!

  46. AngryGeometer

    I could go the rest of my lifetime without hearing another fucking word of Snowbonics. Why do white people talk like that? It's like they don't even want to be a part of our culture.

    Oh, and her makeup is precisely what happens to you when you kick all the homosexuals out of your party. And possibly, when you no longer have a functioning soul. (Nancy Pelosi is 16 years older and Hillary Clinton 9 years older than Michele Bachmann, for reference.)

  47. slappypaddy

    (in case nobody has posted this yet:)

    'Like that other Tea Partier, Christine O’Donnell, she may have to make an ad explaining herself. I’d suggest, “I’m not a dolt.”' — Margaret Carlson, Bloomberg.com

  48. LionelHutzEsq

    Plus, apparently Michelle didn't know which side we were fighting on:

    and yet this picture immortalizes the victory of young GIs over the incursion against the Japanese.

    So, the Army's victory was to stop the incursion against the Japanese.

    And even if she meant an incursion by the Japanese, that doesn't really work, as Iwo Jima is Japanese territory.

    But, what am I saying? Am I really expecting a 'bagger to know history? What kind of fool am I?

  49. natoslug

    How does she manage to wrinkle her forehead, yet never move her eyebrows? Does she have a pair of caterpillars that hover in front of her face, just pretending to be eyebrows? I actually watched the entire video, but have no idea what she said, as that face was too distracting.

  50. chickensmack

    Tea Party Members:

    We understand. We'll stop deficit spending and tax collection when you do the following:

    1. Stop businesses from leaving. YOU ARE THE BUSINESS PEOPLE, right?
    2. Teach evolution in schools. YOU ARE THE CREATIONISTS, right?
    3. Turn your churches into relief agencies, and finally do the work of Jesus.

    If you cannot do these things, fuck you. Your taxes will be high.

  51. RodneyBadger

    I nexted it and ended up chatting with a man stapling his penis to his desk. It was considerably less frightening.

  52. marinmaven

    If a makeup artist made me look like that he/she would be so fired.

    I simply couldn't get past the crazy, creepy mascara. I had to open up another window over the youtube window to make it through.

    The vamp makeup says, "Look at mah eyes…look at mah eyes…"

  53. PabaBritannica

    What the hell is this? Ross Perot's crazy informercials from 1992 that he interrupted the very important Canada-USA World Series with?

    But that's not Perot, it's some crazy woman talking to…maybe Ross Perot?

  54. lulzmonger

    Could I maybe relive something more enjoyable, like being run over by a truck, my last abcessed tooth or bloody diarrhea?

    But it IS pretty lulzy how these asshats always seem to tank like a motherfucker whenever they get a chance to speak at length on any topic that requires contact with reality, basic critical-thinking skills or some passing acquaintance with history.

    Palin was doing it right with the Tweets & the short interviews. She screwed the pooch when she decided to talk for more than 45 seconds about her BLOOD LIBEL persecution by the Lamestream Media Hate Machine. Michele needs to stick with 30-second ads telling us all about what the queers are doing to the soil, because her tiny reptilian brain just doesn't have the capacity for anything bigger.

  55. thejazzmonger

    Why did she paint her eyebrows several inches above the eyebrow ridge, like the old bat actress in Sunset Boulevard?

  56. ttommyunger

    I've found it gets better with age. Urgency is much lower, standards get higher, at least for moi'.

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