Bachmann Threatens Health of Giffords, Watching From Hospital

  the normal-person response

Ahh! Get it away!Hooray, Gabrielle Giffords has put down the elitist hospital iPad and starting to act like a Real America: She sat in bed and watched teevee. “Last night or the night before she watched television — it was CNN in fact — and the fact that she was able to do that for about an hour, in terms of attention span, they were pretty excited about that,” said Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz. That is pretty good, considering we were bored after about two minutes of Obama’s spaceship talk. But should we be worried that she gave up after an hour? What exactly did she see on that teevee? Because if she witnessed Wolf Blitzer and his panel of idiots or watched her colleague Crazy Eyes Bachmann deliver that A/V presentation last night, we weren’t giving Giffords a reason to live. We were doing the opposite.

The Democrat from Florida added Kelly remains optimistic that his wife will make a full recovery.

“Doctors continue to tell them they’re hopeful about how much she’ll recover. With each day she’s able to do things that are a little more complex than she had been doing before,” she said.

We guarantee anything Giffords did last night was more complex than what was happening on CNN. But doctors need to make sure the recovery process is slow and positive. If given a choice between becoming a vegetable and re-entering a world charred by the hellish landscape of modern American journalism and the monstrous politicians it creates, most brains would choose the former.

Gabrielle Giffords had to serve with Michele Bachmann for four years before she got shot. And we may have just flared up her Bachmann-related PTSD. [CNN]

 
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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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55 comments

  1. ManchuCandidate

    GOPer girls just seem to find out early
    How to open doors with just a tongue
    A failed Prenizt
    And she won't have to worry
    She'll get up in his face and go in deep

    Late at night the big old house gets lonely
    I guess every form of refuge has its price
    And it breaks her heart to think her love is
    Only given to a man with a brain as thick as shit

    So she tells him she must Teabag for the evening
    To comfort old white people who're feelin' down
    But he knows where she's goin' as she's leavin'
    She is headed for the crazy side of town

    You can't hide your crazy eyes
    And your smile is a thin disguise
    I thought by now you'd realize
    There ain't no way to hide your crazy eyes

    1. widestanceroman

      I'm thinking not a who, but a what, and I will not allow myself to know something like that.

      It could be that there was some sort of reflection wherein she could see her own eyes and was afraid to look directly at them.

  2. SorosBot

    I was going to say she should try to watch something entertaining and comforting instead of infuriating like CNN, but there really isn't much; outside of NBC's Thursday comedies, or at least 4/6 of them, TV kind of sucks right now.

        1. ttommyunger

          ” The Ballad of the Deep Fried Pine Booby” and “An Officer and a Dental Dam” are my fav episodes. I've never missed it, even today. Currently on Cartoon Channel, DirecTV (296). Nice to know I'm not the only sicko Wonkette, but that's redundant, isn't it?

  3. PsycWench

    And we may have just flared up her Bachmann-related PTSD.
    Meanwhile, scores of schizophrenics watched Bachmann believing that their delusions of demonic presences on earth have finally been validated.

  4. refudiatedness

    If Bachmann runs for president, I hereby swear that I will give her campaign the maximum contribution allowable by law. Everyone here should make this promise– it is the best money we could ever spend.

  5. Barbara_i

    Gotta love the Tea Party. There's always more finger pointing than Huckabee, at a Dunkin' Donut shop.

  6. Oblios_Cap

    "Last night or the night before she watched television — it was CNN in fact — and the fact that she was able to do that for about an hour, in terms of attention span, they were pretty excited about that,”

    Giffords got shot in the head and she still has a longer attention span than Bachmann!

    1. SorosBot

      Hey, you too would probably have no attention span and be easily distracted if you'd never had an orgasm in your life.

    2. widestanceroman

      The bits of brain that splattered on the Safeway parking lot have more synapses than Bachmann has ever had.

      It's gross because it's true.

  7. AngryBlakGuy

    …if you wake up from a coma, because some cross eyed psycho splattered half your brains across a grocery parking lot and the first thing you watch on television is the SOTU then you probably didn't have a lot to live for in the first place!!!

  8. Oblios_Cap

    You know, if I were on TV and they labelled me as " The founder of the first Tea Party Caucus in Congress", I think that I'd just head on home and eat a bullet due to my overwhelming sense of shame.

    Of course, one would need to have a sense of shame to do something like that. 'Nuff said.

  9. StillGoinGreen

    Since Hopey attacked the big erl companies last night, I have seen a bajillion energy commercials on MSNBC. So, why no salmon industry blitz?

  10. elviouslyqueer

    Sorry, but I refuse to believe that anyone in the GOP actually takes Bachmann seriously. Unless there's some sort of Batshit Insane Caucus of which I'm unaware.

    1. deanbooth

      They take her seriously like Dr. Strangelove took his right arm seriously. You never know what it's gonna do.

  11. V572625694

    House, MD. May it never stop production. Gotta say I find that whole mockumentary style of show that started with "The Office" mean-spirited and condescending.

  12. CalamityJames

    I didn't even watch The Bachmann's State of the Confederacy speech, and I've already lost the will to live.

    Of course, this probably has more to do with my decision to scope out the FuxNews forums this morning than a proverbial bullet through the brain.

    Seriously, snark off, sorta. How fucking Trig do you have to be to support these people? I'm ready to be Chinese-Iranian now.

  13. freakishlywrong

    When I hear the stupid name "tea party", (which is just far-right, extremist, Republicans re-branding themselves because "bigoted militia" doesn't sell), I think of "tea potty" for some reason. Then I see Bachmann and all I can think of is that she probably smells of stale urine.

  14. jim89048

    If watching an hour of teevee is a sign of progress, I must be a freakin' genius! Call me when she can do a Rubik's Cube without peeling off the colored squares.

    1. CalamityJames

      Can I call you when I figure out how to get the damn thing out of its package without major arterial damage?

    2. StillGoinGreen

      How about, "call me when they can show a picture of her and not have it edited to where you can only see her husband – and notice that he has the eye closest to her closed!" With grave head wounds, they leave the wound open so it will heal from the inside out. With a through and through GS wound to the brain – OMFG, that must be a sight to see. I hope the best for Gabby, but I think they should enlighten the public about her REAL condition so all the sheeple know what her "normal" will be for quite some time. I think it would be wise for CNN to show "Regarding Henry" one day on primetime – that way tens of people would get some sort of understanding of what is next.

      1. jim89048

        Agreed. I have a good friend who suffered a traumatic brain injury. His recovery has been nothing short of miraculous, but his new “normal” is heartbreaking to witness.

        1. StillGoinGreen

          I was on a police force where a fellow officer took a front to back hit on the left side and he did the same – "MIRACULOUS recovery!" After 11 years of arbitrarily having to clean his butt and dealing with the seizures and outburst type tantrums, his poor wife finally left him. No happy ending here – he then put one through, bottom to top himself and finished the job. Unfortunately, this lady is still a politician, regardless of her REAL condition, so it is just one news cycle at a time!

  15. Allmighty_Manos

    I don't think Bachmann's looking away from the camera was a mistake. Her eyes are known to cause epileptic seizures.

  16. Eve8Apples

    If I were Gabbie lying in a hospital bed watching that crazy bitch on TV, I would have thought to myself, "Why did Loughner waste bullets on me when he could have shot that dumb cunt instead."

  17. LionelHutzEsq

    Well, you have to admit that Michelle Bachmann's exhibition last night would have been easier to watch if you had been shot in the head and suffered massive brain trauma.

    This is CNN: the channel for shut-ins and trauma patients everywhere!

  18. GinnehRED57

    "What is she looking at?"

    Atheist-Socialist-ipso-facto answer: Bachmann's media person reads comments here and advised her to turn slightly so the TelePrompter wouldn't be reflected in those ginormous glassy deadlamp eyes.

    Bibble-babblically valid answer: ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD

  19. Barbara_i

    Steve C is leaving The Office earlier than expected this season. He should take everyone else with him.

  20. Negropolis

    Gabby's a real trooper, because there is nothing on CNN I could watch for an hour straight, and sure as hell not the State of the Union as presented by them and their ridiculously large round tables.

    Give me the sweet, dulcet tones of Rachel Maddow to subdue me into compliance any day, and add a splash of the gonging and brash voice of Tweety for good measure to keep me on my toes. Oh, how I miss the godlike judgements and decrees of Keith…

    Oh, Bachmann is a hollowed out shell of a human being, that's for damned sure.

Comments are closed.