Smaller Budgets! Bigger Lapel Ribbons!: SOTU Liveblog Part II

His fellow Americans, there is an economy, and we should have more of it. Because if we don’t have more economy, some other country will (Russia, because the economy is actual a spaceship). Yes, the president of the United States is doing his duty to tell Congress about what’s he’s up to these days, so that a-hole supervisor of his can just lay off, okay? We are continuing our loyal liveblog. Afterward: the official Republican Response to Volcano Reform and the official Michele Bachmann “Slavery Didn’t Happen” equal-time opportunity.

9:30 PM — You were there. Now you are here.
9:30 PM — Did everyone see Piers Morgan on CNN’s panel earlier? Huh? He will judge Obama’s gay British pantomime.
9:30 PM — TALKING SHIT ABOUT THE SUPER BOWL, EH? Somebody doesn’t want to get elected.
9:30 PM — Is that the new spaceship sitting in front of Boehner there? Does it have Facebook?
9:31 PM — Boehner’s giant lapel ribbon has lifted off, thanks to children being forced to learn boring science.
9:32 PM — “The Bloods and the Crips must come together to build this economy spaceship.”
9:32 PM — Some people clapped for the gang teachers. Others are worried those kids will still steal our moon rocks.
9:34 PM — WAIT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BECOME TEACHERS OR ECONOMY SPACE MEN? PICK ONE, OBAMA! BEFORE THE MARTIANS PICK FOR US!
9:35 PM — “The furniture jobs are gone. This woman was once a pleather couch. She is now a space teacher.”
9:36 PM — He’s talking about Mexicans! Cut to some Mexicans!
9:37 PM — Okay, science education part is now over. How many years in a row has that been in the speech? It will continue to be until this country has totally collapsed from stupidity, in six years.
9:39 PM — Few people are standing in this. Too risky.
9:40 PM — Lolz, government molesting people flying on planes.
9:40 PM — Grassley sniffing fingers!
9:41 PM — The federal government will also carry the iPhone now. Three carrier choices! Only one will make you wind up in a gulag.
9:42 PM — “It can be done.” This is the line presidents use for things they won’t even try to do.
9:44 PM — “I will do some things. I will not do other things. Space.”
9:44 PM — OH! He mentioned child labor laws! That’s controversial! Stop being so divisive, Obama.
9:45 PM — Bookkeeping! Big ideas for the new Congress!
9:47 PM — Bachmann hasn’t left yet? But what if she hears something Obama actually says?
9:49 PM — Not on the backs of our most vulnerable citizens? Nice try.
9:50 PM — “I’m going to pretend cutting this kind of spending is enough. So will you. But let’s acknowledge that it’s not for this section of the speech.”
9:52 PM — Whoops, Boehner accidentally clapped for a second about not privatizing Social Security. That brain has been tanned too.
9:53 PM — YEAH, LET’S ALL GANG UP ON SALMON. THEY CAN’T VOTE. Assholes.
9:55 PM — Government being efficient? Working? Never.
9:55 PM — Haha, John McCain has been happy about this man for the first time ever.
9:57 PM — “Mr. Terrorist, tear down this cave wall.”
10:00 PM — We’re bringing our Pakistan home.
10:02 PM — “The inevitable nuclear armageddon will be slower and more painful, thanks to me shutting you people up about rich-people tax cuts.”
10:03 PM — Egypt listening close. Listening for its boy to give it a shout-out.
10:04 PM — Whoa whoa whoa, Egypt was left out? Fine. It’s not going to be a democracy now. Asshole. Also, it’s hiding the pyramids. You people can’t enjoy them anymore.
10:05 PM — Our gay Muslims troops DEFINITELY come from one of the corners of this country, where the Republicans can’t get to them.
10:06 PM — “I have to confess, I just sold the Dakotas to China. But, uhh, the troops! Stand up! Troops!”
10:09 PM — Whew, Congress was worried this would stop being America for a second. Close one.
10:09 PM — Biden first pump. GIF it, Internet.
10:10 PM — Boehner managed not to cry, we think. He held it in. The tears are now going to rupture a blood vessel.
10:11 PM — “We’re a nation that says I may not have a lot of money.” Uh oh.
10:13 PM — Hooray, America got renewed for another year! The end.
10:14 PM — He has to shake each and every hand again on the way out or it doesn’t count and he has to do the speech again.
10:16 PM — Obama is now signing people’s programs. What, nobody has his rookie card? Grow up, Congress.
10:20 PM — Piers Morgan on CNN: “It was historic… I understood better.” Thanks, American politics journalist.
10:23 PM — One minute to Paul Ryan!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:24 PM — Wolf says Obama will give a gun speech soon, not tonight. Wolf on Paul Ryan: “He’s only forty years old.” Woah! Is he even old enough to speak yet?
10:25 PM — Paul Ryan: What we can do for people being murdered by guns is pray for them. A brave new initiative.
10:26 PM — Still hasn’t gotten to volcanoes.
10:27 PM — Oooooooh! Obama has spent money before! He’s in trouble.
10:28 PM — “Washington should not be in the business of picking winners and losers.” Except when it comes to rich people?
10:31 PM — Big question: What’s bigger — the ears or the lapel ribbon? That is the most interesting part of this speech.
10:33 PM — Our social safety net is turning into a hammock? Lolz. That is smaller than a safety net.
10:35 PM — Republicans also like America. And now, Paul Ryan will go back to being a child actor.
10:36 PM — Four minutes to Bachmann! Only on CNN, the only network brave enough to make such idiotic decisions.
10:40 PM — David Gergen is worse than Lou Holtz right now. Slurptivdjf sluptnjvfv slurp slup.
10:40 PM — Wolf just made Erick Erickson defend TELEPROMPTERZ.
10:43 PM — It’s always amazing to see CNN’s team of analysts together. How did they ever hire all these stupid people? Just incredible.
10:44 PM — This is definitely longer than the four minutes that were counting down on the big CNN Bachmann clock earlier. Ugh. Give us the banshee so we can quit this thing.
10:48 PM — GOD DAMNIT FUCKING BACHMANN
10:48 PM — Piers Morgan has magically turned into Anderson Cooper, the American Brit.
10:49 PM — Bachmann. THOSE EYES ARE GREEN-SCREENED ON. AHHHHH, THE TERROR.
10:49 PM — Bachmann is delivering this to Satan, who’s standing right off camera, giving her a thumbs-up.
10:51 PM — Bachmann has a television with some numbers on it. Fancy!
10:51 PM — “What did we buy?” Teevee immediately cuts to photo of Capitol. Didn’t we buy that a long time ago?
10:51 PM — Bachmann can’t look the American people in the eyes or her face will melt.
10:53 PM — Bachmann smartly dressed in a real rally-worn Teabagger colonial army costume, tailored for a non-scootered female and to get rid of the fried cheese stains.
10:55 PM — Bachmann’s plan for America: just hope for a miracle, like this staged World War II portrait. Sure.
10:56 PM — And then Michele Bachmann finished the practice run she delivered to her speech coach, the evil Snow White mirror. Or maybe she was delivering it to her other speech coach, Geoffrey Rush. We hope you are all drunk! Good night.