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All Eyes Will Be On Michelle Obama’s ‘Box’ Tonight

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

For the first time, it will not only be a question of who is in it, but what. Unfortunately, the Washington Post has replaced this photo and caption. Whatever could have been the matter with it? Health news is just as important as politics.

But the subtext is the same with this sexy hero doctor, right?

'McDonald's,' or whatever people used to call that doctor guy on that ABC doctor show

She will sit on a desert island by herself where nobody has invented sex, the end. [WP via Wonkette operative “Juli Weiner”]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • jus_wonderin

    I heard that on NPR this morning, before I had had my coffee. I put up a Post-it to remind me.

  • SharifDelMonte

    No, no, its a basketball reference! Have you ever seen President Boyfriend and the FLOTUS playing one-one-one? NO! Why? Because she's unstoppable in the post! Don't you remember that interview where she dunked on Robin Roberts?

  • SexySmurf

    Is Barack going to put his chief of staff in Michelle's box?

    • Extemporanus

      Obama's mama always said, "Life is like a box of chocolate."

  • Oblios_Cap

    I'd love to take a crack at the Flotus' box. As long as her hubby didn't find out, of course.

    • jus_wonderin

      Black Helicopters and Area61….for you!!!

    • Fare la Volpe

      Don't worry. Even if Barry did, he'd just offer you to keep screwing her for the next two years until you two can work out a compromise.

      • angryclownspawn

        Right, the compromise being you just keep on doing whatever you want and he will talk about how well you are working together. Meanwhile, you will be allowed to talk about how much of a muslin socialist he is and how much you enjoyed Michelle's box.

    • Jukesgrrl

      He'll get an RIAA lawyer to sue you — but you'll be bored to death before you ever get to jail.

  • baconzgood

    [Spit take]

    So no one at the Post understands double entendre? What pamphlet did this person mail in to get into journalism school? Or maybe he's a secret Wonker?

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      He spent eight years as a Communications major.

      • Jukesgrrl

        At the University of Idaho.

        • Bonzos_Bed_Time

          Spokane Community College and transfer to University of Phoenix.

          Not that there's anything wrong with that.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Oh yeah, he's thinkin' it…and it's good.

  • jus_wonderin

    The charming asian is named…Peter.

  • magic_titty

    Is there a Chuck Berry Cam in the White House bathroom? Or am I thinking about the wrong thing?

  • slithytoves

    For the first time, it will not only be a question of who is in it, but also what.

    I have never found a who and a what in my box at the same time. If who is in the box, then I prefer that what stay in the side drawer.

    • CalamityJames

      Hahaha, stick in the mud! Ha, sometimes the buttsecks jokes write themselves.

    • mavenmaven

      Who's on third base.

      • genxr

        That's our short-stop! *rimshot*

      • Gleem_McShineys

        President Hu?

    • SorosBot

      I've seen some videos online where both what and who have been used in the box at the same time, though.

  • SorosBot

    And here I thought we'd just be looking at the GOP displaying its Boehner behind the President the whole time.

    • baconzgood

      That's what you get on NBC. You need the Pay-Per-View.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Too small. Blocked by the C-SPAN logo.

    • Not_So_Much

      Holy shit, hadn't thought of the hue and contrast adjustments that's going to require. I need to go find my black and white set with the rabbit-ears.

  • MozakiBlocks

    Hasn't Barry been in Michelle's box already? My high school biology class taught me that's how babies get made? Do Kenyan Muslins do things differently?

    I really just wrote a joke, albeit a poor one about the President and First Lady's sex life without having to bleach my brain. Now that's change I can believe it!!!!

  • SayItWithWookies

    "No Mr. President, the flange goes over the escarpment — uh, or so I've read on Wikipedia."

  • baconzgood



  • Come here a minute

    Sadly, Michele Bachmann's box is ignored again.

    • jus_wonderin

      Though, Sarah will be the victim (or Willow).

      • Ruhe

        Victim in what sense, Katie? Surely you're not speaking of the dreaded FLOTUS Dentata?

    • genxr

      Michele Bachmann should move to Alaska, where her box will get the vigorous attention it deserves.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Please read in the voice of Paul Lynde or Roger the alien…
    “Oh that’s not right.”

  • Hank_Hanson

    Jack Stuef, STFU!!!
    Sorry, I've been trolling on Fox Nation and I get all worked up.

  • bitchincamaro2

    If the WaPo insists on using the term "box" for The First Lady's lady parts, can we refer to Bachman's hoohaw as a "shipping container"?

    • edgydrifter

      Wind tunnel.

      • Monsieur_Grumpe

        The great Sahara desert.

        • genxr

          Sahara Palin?

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        Lava tube

        • Monsieur_Grumpe

          Bozo's Fun House

    • SexySmurf

      The Gaping Maw of Hell. And outside is a sign: "Abandon hope all who enter here."

    • 4TheTurnstiles

      It's her hatchetwound. From a visit to Alaska w/ Sarah "women's issues" Palin.

      the other "scar" you might see nearby was from hunting with Cheney… not so keen with a rifle either

    • Extemporanus

      I once referred to Christine O'Donnell's hoohaw as–and I'm paraphrasing from memory here because my profanely poetic comment apparently done got eated by the administrator for some inexplicable reason (haha, oops!)–a "rusty fucking leaky shipping container that reeks of somethingsomething and somethingorother illegals."

      But if you'd prefer to apply that shit to Bachmann's slit, I doubt that O'Donnell would much object.

  • SmutBoffin

    Juli Weiner? I remember her! The sullen-looking, funny lady. What happened to her?

    Anyway, Stuef is our sullen mistress, now.

  • SharifDelMonte

    Not since the days of Eleanor Roosevelt was so much attention paid to a first lady's box.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Oh NOW you've gone and done it. We should expect a visit from OneTrueLibrul any second now. Thanks for nothing, Sharif.

      • SharifDelMonte

        I don't know who OneTruLibrul is, so I can't really address that, but I must complain about your historical reference: NOW wasn't founded until well after Mrs. Roosevelt was 1st lady, so any of them them having "gone and done it" to her is revisionism. You should of said, "That slander was WAAC!" or, "Sir, your comment wasn't as riveting as you think!"

  • nounverb911

    Isn't it 4PM in England?

  • weejee

    Will Riley be in the FLOTUS's box tonight?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Not if Andrew Breitbart has anything to say about it, he won't.

      (Sorry Riley! Don't ban me, bro! *blows kisses*)

  • Extemporanus

    You can titter and giggle until you pee yourselves, word pervs, but I happen to believe that a quantum mechanics thought experiment of this sort describes the state of our union better than any dry, empty speech ever could.

    • Tommmcatt

      Nah. I'd rather titter and giggle. Oh, and Dr. Sexx there? He'd remember me and our weekend of hot, Discovery-Channel sex for the rest of his life….

    • weejee

      And I thought the Obama's had a dog, not Schrodinger's live-dead cat.

      • jus_wonderin

        And how are we to be sure the cat is even in the box when the lid is closed???

    • GOPCrusher


    • sati_demise

      tittering and giggling keep me from dying.

  • el_donaldo

    I believe the President Mack Daddy is explaining to the MILF how he will record their post SOTU threesome with Michelle via that handmade digital video recorder, and that the recording will remain classified in the National Archives until long after her parents are dead.

  • Jukesgrrl

    Just so there aren't any Alaskans near the box because they'll get all fighty and rapey.

  • hagajim

    We might as well all look at her box every chance we get, cause Barry ain't gonna say anything interesting.

  • 4TheTurnstiles

    joke all you want, I would love to spend a night being very kind to the first lady's thought experiments.

    this is a thought experiment of my own…

  • teebob2000

    Jack > everything with the top picture alt-text. Well done.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    I don't know what is happening with Michelle's box. All I know is that it made Speaker Boehner cry.

  • Ruhe

    "Hmm", the President said, contemplating the device carefully. "I can give you an estimate of what a dealer might pay for it but it's hard to know how much higher it could go at auction. But let me get the Keeno brothers in on this. It's kind of their field of expertise."

  • sati_demise

    you may be freakishly right.

  • Worthly Wokette Skum

    Next on Antiques Road Show: an authentic Victorian SteamPunk vibrator is valued at $10,000.

  • Negropolis

    I hope there is a whole litter of babies in that box. That's what they do when a TV show is going down in the ratings. You add a cute child.