repeal the whatever

House GOP To ‘Ban’ D.C. Gay Marriage, As They’ve Nothing Better To Not Make Law

House Republicans have been talking about interfering with this godless backroom smut-fest in the nation’s capital called “marriage,” and they’re now getting around to doing it, as if they had the power to make things law:

Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio), chairman of the conservative Republican Study Committee (RSC), told The Hill that he will push for a vote on the controversial issue in the 112th Congress. The RSC has 175 members.

Ohio. Not D.C. Of course. [The Hill via Gawker]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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48 comments

    1. GuyClinch

      Applies to states. The vile repugs can fuck around all they want with us DC folks and use us as their laboratory. Time for our never-nonviolent muggers to get busy around Cap Hill.

    2. CrankyLttlCamperette

      We're not a state. We're just a whipping boy for the BS Conservative Agenda, especially because there isn't a goddamned thing we can do about it. Kick any blind puppies recently, Rep Jordan?

    3. Redhead

      Oh come on. You know the federal government knows more about your welfare than you do. At least, the Republicans in the federal government. They know more about how you should be treated for diseases (only if you're rich!), when you should reproduce (always!), who you should be able to marry (NOT their gay lovers!) and what books you should be reading from the library (thank you, Bush).

      Now, the democratic members of the federal government, well, they're just evil elitist socialists who want to control everything because they think they're smarter. But they're bad! Bad, I say! There's a difference!

      1. SorosBot

        But they lowered taxes on the wealthy, so therefore support "freedom"! 'Cause freedom's just another word for nothin' left to loose, and nothin', that's all that Boehner left me.

    1. inedalo

      they study WAR, as in "we an't gonna study war no more.."
      -from the 60s in case you don't remember due to the cloud of smoke surrounding
      the collective in the woods

    2. Redhead

      Trick question!

      Textbooks are for holdin' doors open. Only arugula-eatin' elitists study. Or read.

  1. SayItWithWookies

    There's a real conservative principle for you — limited government, so long as it doesn't interfere with conservatives' desire to fuck with what people want and need. Jim Jordan needs to spend an Alaska winter in a burqa.

  2. Boredw/Gravity

    Thank goodness all of the nation's real problems have been solved, so now Repugs can get down to the minutia.

  3. mrpuma2u

    Did he take a "wide stance" at the podium when he announced this? Sounds like someone doth protest too much. I know what to get Congressman Jordan for x-mas next year, a BIG BAG OF DICKS.

    1. inedalo

      well, they have already more or less repealed Darwin's evolution, and next they will do away with Gravity, to prepare for their blessed Rapture…yep, they will all (that is, the christers who will be Saved) float up into the sky and join their Master, Jeebus.
      then we will all be living in the Theocratic States of America, led by Oral Roberts, Billy Graham and other preachermen. hallelujah!

      1. SorosBot

        The 2nd Law of Thermodynamics predicts how the universe will end, and it's nothing like what's described in Revelation, so obviously it's part of the commie anti-Christian conspiracy.

        1. BarryOPotter

          There's a joke in there somewhere about the increasing chaos in our government, but my thoughts are just too damn scattered to put it together.

  4. SorosBot

    It's a lot harder for Republican congressmen to try and have anonymous gay sex in the bathroom when most of the District's gay men are happily out of the closet and meeting guys the same normal ways straight people meet each other.

  5. GOPCrusher

    The House Republiklans in Iowa intend on putting to the floor next week, a vote to have a vote banning gay marriage Constitutional Amendment.
    Not just a law, but a Constitutional Amendment specifically outlawing same-sex marriage in the state of Iowa. Despite the fact that it will not even get debated in the Senate, or that there are any number of more pressing issues, they fully intend to pass legislation calling for a vote in the state to amend the Constitution.
    And they are still working to impeach the remaining members of the Supreme Court that unanimously ruled that banning same-sex marriage is unconstitutional.
    The Taliban is alive and well in the state of Iowa.

  6. freakishlywrong

    Where, Republitards, are the mutha fuckin' jawbs? And where is the mutha fuckin' media to pile on like they did when the Dems were running things. Oh yeah, librul media.

  7. LionelHutzEsq

    But who can blame the Republicans? It has to be uncomfortable when your boyfriend keeps trying to get you to dump your wife and be monogamous when you would rather just cruise the bars for another hook up. In the same situation, you would be desperate to return to the status quo.

  8. Beowoof

    Ah a douchebag from the heartland telling city folk that you need to change into a douchebag just like teabaggers in the hinterlands

  9. JustPixelz

    Hooray! They've recreated all the lost jobs.
    Hooray! The budget is balanced.
    Hooray! Voters in D.C. are overruled.

  10. SenileAgitation

    Wise up D.C., it's John Adams and Eve, not John Adams and Steve. Marriage should be between consenting family members of different sexes, or it gets icky very quickly. This Stud Committee needs to ask themselves "what would <insert gay porn star> do?"

  11. Barrelhse

    Jim Jordan, loser.
    Jimbo, why don't you run along and have a nice little chat with your pretend friend Jesus, and let those with a grip on reality make the decisions.

  12. Jukesgrrl

    Rep. Jordan, we know this is just your veiled attempt to get to meet Carrie Prejean. Don't you read the papers? She's preggers to an NFL quarterback. She doesn't want to meet you. It might queer the fetus, so to speak.

  13. Callyson

    First the meaningless vote to repeal HCR, now this. Guess jobs and balancing the budget will have to wait…and wait…

    1. GOPCrusher

      Anyone that actually believed that the Republiklans were running on a platform of creating jobs and balancing the budget, got the House of Representatives that they deserve.

  14. mookwrthwilson

    everything will be solved in Cleveland once they eliminate Kucinich's district…at least that's the GOP plan I hear.

  15. ttommyunger

    Won't you come home, Jim Jordan, won't you come home; It's been a long, long, day.
    I'll do your cookin' baby, your washin' too, I'll suck your cares a-waaaaaay!
    Don't you remember baby, those college days, we had it oh, so gooood?
    Just do your best in Congress, string them along, we'll be together soon.
    Just stay in the closet, baby, keep us down low, and we'll defeat that Coon!

  16. Cicada

    Dear Rep. Jordan,

    Go back to Ohio, you sad cheese-sniffing twat. Everyone in D.C. hates you. I can say this with authority since the other homophobic cunts in Congress all live in Virginia. Go join your smegma-lapping brethren and fuck the hell out of the District's business.

    Oh, by the way, I'm going to go get knocked up just so I can have an abortion to PISS YOU OFF, you fucking waste-of-space bigoted piece of infected dog wang.

    Yours,
    Cicada

Comments are closed.