just have roger ebert decide

Rahm Emanuel Still Running For Job He Can’t Have

And so, even as printing of the city’s ballots was set to begin immediately at the Chicago Board of Elections (early voting is to start next Monday), all eyes were turning to the Illinois Supreme Court. The court – made up of four Democrats and three Republicans – may consider Mr. Emanuel’s request for an expedited appeal to the ruling, or it can choose not to hear the case at all.

Hopefully Obama is able to keep from hiring those justices into administration jobs long enough to for them to make a decision.

Mr. Emanuel, meanwhile, has said that he would continue to campaign, and that he expects to prevail. He spent Monday night campaigning at a bowling alley. His aides said more events would proceed, as ever, on Tuesday morning. First stop: an appearance before members of a local Teamsters council.

“Vote for me, I think.” [NYT]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments [Looking into whether this is still possible - Shy] - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • angryclownspawn

    What, no write in campaign? Does he think his constituents are fucking retards and can't spell or something?

    • DoktorZoom

      Rom Amanyul? He's already on the ballot, though, and if he's ineligible for that, he'd be ineligible to be a write-in candidate, too.

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      I apologize for having but one upfist for your comment, Mister angryclownspawn.

  • Boojum_Reborn

    The Chicago way is to offer bribes, not jobs. Jobs are for pussies.

    • DoktorZoom

      They come at you with an injunction, you come at them with an appeal. That's the Chicago way.

      Oh…and apparently anywhere else, too. So much for Chicagoan Exceptionalism.

  • horsedreamer_1

    He just needs to Rahm it down their throats.

    Did he learn nothing from the health-care debate?

    • WunkRocker

      I thought this was all done with parachutes or summat?

  • edgydrifter

    This thing he doesn't have–it's fucking golden.

    • SorosBot

      His right middle finger is golden?

  • ttommyunger

    A Bowling Alley? Don't you need most of your fingers to bowl? Just sayin'…

    • http://littlewanking.blogspot.com/ harry_palmer

      "You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger 'til it goes "click."

      • Sophist [APPLAUSE]

        This isn't Nam, Rahm. There are rules.

        • DoktorZoom

          You don' fuck with the Emmanuel.

          • Sophist [APPLAUSE]

            Say what you will about The Chicago Way, dude, at least it's an ethos.

      • ttommyunger

        The Dude abides.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Rahm loves bowling. Check out the interview he gave at the alley:

      Reporter: What do you do for recreation?

      Rahm Emanuael: Oh, the usual. I bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback.

      • ttommyunger

        All that money and he does some same lame shit I do. Go figure!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Obviously, he's not a golfer.

      • ttommyunger

        Really? Finally, something in common with this person. Almost enough to make me want to hit the links.

  • V572625694

    Rahm's going to go full Norm Coleman on this. Or full Joe the Miller, your choice.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    this is hilarious. he has the whole chicago machine ready to coronate him as mayor of soon to be re-nicknamed fuckin'-windy-fuckin'-city, but for the literal interpretation of the statute at issue.

    he'll probably win his appeal and get his spoils. not that he's marginally better or worse than chico or braun (well maybe).

    regardless, he can always be mayor of doucheville.

  • GuyClinch

    "Mr. Emanuel, meanwhile, has said that he would continue to campaign, and that he expects to prevail. He spent Monday night campaigning at a bowling alley. His aides said more events would proceed, as ever, on Tuesday morning. First stop: an appearance before members of a local Teamsters council."

    That's one way to say that Rahm spent hours crying into his beer at the local bowling alley in preparation for getting kneecapped by some gangsters.

  • freakishlywrong

    Who's the retard now, Rhambo?

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Easy answer: Still anyone with the last name Palin, other than Trig, Trip, or whatever in the hell name they gave Bristol's baby when Sarah claimed to be the mother.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    When the going gets tough, the tough keep campaigning at a bowling alley.

  • HolyMaracas

    I was gonna make a retard joke but it looks like they are all taken. Out-snarked once again…

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Am I the only one who is sort of surprise that there are rules in Chicago politics?

  • hagajim

    Does Rahm have a Murkowski somewhere in the woodpile?

  • nounverb911

    This just in from the NYT: Illinois Supreme Court Halts Printing of Chicago Mayoral Ballots Without Emanuel’s Name

    Looks like politics as usual in Chicago.

  • V572625694

    Never mind

  • HolyMaracas

    UPDATE: "I'm back, Fucktards!"

    You didn't think this asshole was gonna go away that easily, did you?

  • XOhioan

    This being Chicago, the conspiracy theories run rampant. From a local cop blog: Emanuel knew he would never get on the ballot, but he's the cleanup man for the Machine–knocking out minority challengers that might have a chance (Jesse Jackson, Jr.) and intimidating others away with his fund-raising finesse (Sheriff Tom Dart). He gets knocked off the ballot, leaving the field open for Machine candidate of choice, Gary Chico. Daley gets a successor who will cover for his massive career of graft, and Rahm gets to walk away with a cool 10 million dollars of donor cash.
    No doubt fiction (except for the Daley graft part), but with a handsome, renegade DA investigating, would make a good political thriller.