America’s princess, Bristol Palin, did an exclusive phone-in with these two minor-market FM morning show announcers all about the mysteries of her life — and she called in from her Arizona stucco ghetto foreclosure about 50 miles outside of Phoenix, surrounded by garbage and cotton fields and bits of rock, and you can almost see her, in your mind, sitting on the floor of maybe the fourth bedroom, staring vacantly at the broken mini-blinds hanging lopsided over the dusty window, and she’s got a Taco Bell bag on the floor and she’s just chomping on various items (Taco Bun, Double Taco Bun Supreme, Lard Lick, etc.) between her mush-mouth squeak answers to these obsequious dolts on the classic rock station up in Wasilla. Just listen to these brown-nosers, it’s like Sarah drove over there on her quad or whatever before the segment and threatened to saw off their nuts if they didn’t display proper groveling diffidence to this 20-year-old known for getting pregnant once, many years ago, when she was a teen-ager and John McCain was running for president.
Also! Bristol has a new boyfriend! Oh he is just the best. And she’s trying to change Tripp’s last name to something other than “Johnston,” the name of the child’s father, because she don’t like Levi no more. (“Tripp Sausage Burger” has a nice ring, you think?) But it’s just some kind of gossip, and also it is true, because she has asked Levi if he’s cool with that, but she doesn’t remember what happened, ever.
Here, see how much of this you can listen to before jumping out of a first-floor window:
Oh god, this is so awful. But you MUST LISTEN TO THE END, to this Worst Radio Interview In History, because that’s when she claims an Arizona radio station OFFERED HER A JOB AS A RADIO HOST PERSONALITY. This is so incredible. Howard Stern does have “characters” like Bristol but they certainly aren’t the host. (You know how Howard Stern has these brain-damaged characters who are real people, we guess? “Blubber Mouf” and “Crack Pipe Joe” and the like? Bristol could probably do something like that, if there was something funny about her?)
Anyway, this is all to say that Sarah Palin has been remarkably quiet for probably longer than she has ever shut up in her Life of Fame. What is going on, we wonder? What would cause Sarah Palin to actually shut up, for once? [Huffington Post]
{ 118 comments }
BLUBBER MOUF.
Bristol's more Blubber Gut.
Since Wassilla is known for crank, I suggest "Crank Yanker Johnson"
Thanks for rounding out the standard collection of Sprawltopia depression memes, Ken! Now I can get dressed and go to work.
And for a guy who never watched Keith Olbermann, you have a great deal of familiarity with Howard Stern's collection of clowns.
I have satellite radio! I have heard Howard Stern.
Why do people keep giving this family of trashy famewhores the attention they crave? Media, if you ignore them they will go away.
And I will try to listen and see if my sanity remains.
It's Alaska, what else do they have?
I strongly disagree!
huh..there is this woman..umm, who is my mother..and ..and she wants to be the POTUS and hmm hmm according to some poll (not pole ~you dirty fella), she is pretty close to umm umm that mormon guy and that governer of something like ar…kansas state and so there is a very good chance that she can win primary…canard, also too.
Right there, why you follow these hillbillies..
Thanks for trying to bring down the level of intellegence in the Stern Wack Pack Ken….sheeeiiiittt/ Actually maybe Bristol could rename her kid Tripp Kynosis….captures the full golry of her anus burger diet.
Ooh! Picking a new last name for Tripp could be a fun game. May I suggest "Enfall"? Or perhaps "Ingballs"?
Overmyhyprocricy?
F you for thinking of the things I was thinking and then posting them before i could post them.
Great minds, and all that.
Oooh! Oooh! Tripp Nguyen Onbadmeth.
I'm thinking "Fontaine", as obeisance to Sofia Coppola, who will then put Bristol in one of her movies. Like how Hef's 19 years old twin girlfriends (for an hot minute) ended up in Somewhere, as pole-dancers, for a moment.
Hop
Tripp Downthestairs.
Tripp Yerfuckingbrainzout
Listen to the END?!? Hell, I'm not even going to listen to the start.
Word. I'm still trying to drown out yesterday's Michelle Bachmann shriek-fest. With gin. Lots and lots of gin.
yea, 30 seconds or less is all I am ever going to click on for these wingnutters.
How long will it take my ears to stop bleeding?
IF IT LASTS FOR MORE THAN FOUR HOURS, SEEK OUT A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL.
THAT TOP STORY FOR TONIGHT…….
I hope the new boyfriend has a last name like Enfall or Abbroade or maybe Dalitephantastik.
Tripp should be renamed In' N' Out Palin.
Named after two favorite things. In'N Out burgers and, er, um, her favorite activity.
DJ assholes, why are you lying to Bristol and telling her that carrying the Palin name would be a positive for the kid? I fail to see how it would be good to have the name of a woman who is universally reviled outside of the far-right fringe.
Bristol, while I don't know Levi, I'm guessing the reason he won't sign over his parental rights is not because, as you claim, it would look bad, but because he knows you wouldn't let him visit when he wants as you claim, as you come from a family known to be a bunch of pathological liars.
Goddammit, these DJs are ass-kissers, in addition to having the normal, annoying "wacky" morning DJ talk. I want to smack them.
I can't believe I made it through the whole thing.
I always thought that it was fortunate that "Hitler" was a made-up name (Adolf Schicklegruber, anyone? Who would follow a schmuck named that into a cataclysmic war? ) Fortunate, because very few people, if any, had to change their name after the war.
If my name were either Palin or Bush I'd change it. Hell, despite the spelling difference I'm surprised the history black Cheyney University hasn't changed its name considering the implications.
One thing that's hilarious or tragic depending on your opinion on such things, on the other hand, is that Adolf/Aldoph/Adolphe were actually rather common first names at the time, all the same. And there is the occasional family that, out of a misguided sense of filial piety, decides to name their child after an erstwhile grandfather.
Point being, there's nothing quite as hilarious as having a half-brown friend in college named Adolphe. He was surprisingly good-natured about the whole thing, actually, found it pretty funny.
Ugh. Speaking as a parent, I am so sad that she is a parent. And wow, these guys are throwing some serious softballs to her. Their obsequiousness boggles the mind. Usually morning jocks are obnoxious, bullying busybody types that bust peoples balls. Especially dumb people. They were giving her a interview rim-job.
"George W. Bush: Great President, or greatest President?"
Makes me want to go lick my dog's balls.
is that foreplay or an appetizer? I guess a pallate cleanser, either way, huh.
Shouldn't you buy him a drink first?
None of this is real. None of this matters.
Ye Gods. If only this were true…
You are correct, if we are speaking of the quantum level.
What the hell is going on in that picture? It looks like a plastic birdcage and she put on her fancy furs because that's the style when you watch small animals suffocate.
All that fast food talk is making me hungry for some Rat in a Box.
(We fry what you won't touch!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dY-FOI-9SOE
Deep Fried Dicks!
Though I'm on the 7th floor, which would be conveniently high enough to cause serious damage, I'm scared to listen 'cause my office windows won't open. As for the kid, how about "Tripp Wisconsin Death"? (Anyone else remember that book?)
Yes! A deathless [ha ha] classic.
And rather trippy in its own early 70s way!
Then, she can achieve every small-town girl's dream & become a groupie. That Wayne Static is an hell of a looker.
Fame whores don't fall far from the tree.
Bristol who?
All this aside, Bristol will have her hands full, lobbying the Arizona legislature in their re-districting efforts to somehow get her crack house included in AZ-8 so she can run for Gabby's seat.
I sort of assumed Giffords district was going to get chopped somehow with re-districting, even though AZ is gaining a slot. They can take a lesson from Illinois and draw a circle around her house (or maybe her block if she's feeling ballsy) and connect it to the rest of the district by a zone the width of the closest connecting roads/highway).
I see a bright future for this kid. Gang-bang videos and bachelor parties are the obvious next step!
Thank god "Girls Gone Wild" has standards.
Knowing Bristol, she'd tease us with just one teet.
One word, Lake Havasu
Tell me more!
"Like, like nobuddy evah buyz a ah…er homes!"
God…I'm really having a hard time disliking Bristol more than the ass-kissing douchebags. They seriously make Ryan Seacrest sound awesome.
What was that I heard this morning about Taco Bell being sued for claiming the stuff they put in tacos was meat?
Oh. Here it is.
The meat mixture sold by Taco Bell restaurants contains binders and extenders and does not meet the minimum requirements set by the U.S. Department of Agriculture to be labeled as "beef," according to the legal complaint.
"keep on keeping on"
One can't help noticing that the whole tea bag thing is a re-do of certain 60s and 70s motifs by the people who were excluded from it the first time around. Except without the Vietnam war and the Civil Rights movement.
Now, the teabaggers were involved with the anti-Vietnam war and Civil Rights movements; specifically, they were the people beating up protesters.
If you watch the first episode of Ken Burns' Civil War, you'll see the secessionists (read: white southern racist evil as fuck assholes) waving "Don't Tread On Me" flags and comparing themselves to the Boston Tea Party.
No she's not power mouthing Taco Bell. The Breeder doesn't like 38% anus burger meat. She likes 100% Wasilla retard meat. In all flavors.
You mean they just have her chew on taco bell while they dub the words, like in Mr Ed?
I'm surprised they didn't ask if Levi has been keeping up his child-support payments. But, maybe, being DJs in Alaska, so obviously running from some child-support issues of their own, they had a second of clarity.
(Still the funniest thing Dennis Miller ever said — this was well before his 9/11 meltdown — is this: You know what the state bird of Alaska is? The bounced child-support check.)
Picture Sarah standing behind the DJs locked and loaded, suddenly it ALL makes sense!
Whew. The down side of fame is a slippery slope to a hellsplash pool in which piranhas eat your lips off. Leave Bristol aloooooooooooooooooone. No don't.
Will Wonkette be participating in Dana Milbank's A Month Without Palins Month next month?
The oh, so serious Dana Milbank is taking a breath from Palin?
Fat chance.
The only way that creep wouldn't be reporting on Palin is if he weren't reporting at all while on a month-long trip to Thailand to vist some man-ladies.
We can only hope.
No, but we are still honoring "a lifetime without Dana Milbank."
♪♫ Let's all do the Bristol stomp ♫♪
You and I are the only people on the board who know what the Bristol Stomp is and that it refers to Bristol, TN.
Where the kids are hot as a pistol!
Edit: Yes, I'm old, why do you ask?
Coulda swore it was Bristol, PA.
It was. I wanted to see who was really old.
It was used as a theme song at the Bristol, TN Speedway for years.
'kay, now you've seen that I'm really old, time to move on, nothing more to see here.
No, it's Bristol, PA–where this smoking baby was born..
Except it doesn't refer to Bristol, TN/VA, it refers to Bristol, PA.
How about we stomp the Bristol instead?
I know it's Bristol, but I hear Mother Harpy, too.
On a more serious note, it appears Alaska is the fresh Hell we all suspected it to be:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_spoint/20110125/ts_...
And just what did Duh Gov'Nuh do about this when she had the chance?
Those statistics are fucking depressing. ATTENTION WOMEN: do not move to Alaska.
And as mayor at least, she made sure all those rape victims had to pay for the costs of testing to aid the investigation, remember?
She worked hard on the issues that matter most to women, like LIPSTECK ONNA PEG!
Quit
How's that rapey, kitty thing workin' out for ye?
Ah the Palin family, the American Royalty of the boxed wine set. The crowned heads of the people who think a classy meal is when you go inside McDonald's to sit down rather than using the drive-thru.
Holy Cactus!!!!
I just realized that Bristol can see Mexico from where she lives!!!!
Do I see the words "Secretary of State" in front of her name???
She carried a fetus around in her womb for nine months, so she is certainly qualified!
Exactly how bad does a Morning Zoo Crew have to be, before they get exiled to Wasilla? I mean, if you can't make it in Dumas, Arkansas, and you wind up in Wasilla, that's pretty bad – but then you wind up taking calls from MushMouth…
"Baby, if you've ever wondered,
Wondered whatever became of me,
I'm living on the air in Wasilla,
Just had Bristol Palin on the air,
and tonight I'm blowing my brains out."
Thumbs up for the WKRP in Cincinnaaati reference.
She came to Arizona for the stupid and stayed for the teabagging.
Based on her past performances and my own gut instincts, it would seem safe to say that Bristol's Taco Bell favorite would be the Soft Taco Supreme with extra sour cream and a Diet Sprite or Seven Up or whatever they serve that tastes like overly sweetened liquid chrystal meth. Because, dontcha know, America's new "sweetheart" is trying to watch her weight.
I'm just assuming that "Soft Taco Supreme with extra sour cream" is your euphemism for how she got pregnant.
Yes!
More chins than a Chinese laundry. If you're going to be famous for nothing, you'd better be hot.
You have to admit, her dancing is perfect for radio.
Did we really need to know about this? I think not.
Here her employment offer:
http://blogs.phoenixnewtimes.com/valleyfever/2011...
The one-time vice-presidential candidate's daughter gets an on-air gig at the Mix 96.
The two-terms senator's kid, meanwhile, gets a gig at the Frothy Mix 69.
This is what they mean when they say "work hard and pull yourself up by your own bootstraps".
Plausible is a hard word.
Bristol baby, it's time you should invest in a hacksaw and use it to separate yourself from your Momma. Because let me tell you something: If you think the Liberals and the Media are vicious, wait until you get a load of the Tea Baggers when they turn on your Momma…and therefore you. The Liberal and media attacks will seem like a sweet memory.
Bristol v. Beetlejuice Spelling Bee!
I'll put my money on Beet.
'BnM'– Does that stand for morning hosts 'Bowel 'n' Movement'?
My employer suppresses these audio and video clips, thank dog. Did anybody ask her what had been up her dirt chute since she took the abstinence only pledge?
speaking as a girl, i have to say whores often come along at just the right moment in the news cycle.
also: that's purple heart material if they really are responsible for snowbilly's silence.
Who's the beau (i.e., is it still Dino, or Desi, or Billy, or whichever) ?
Also (warning: actual journalism follows) "Bob and Mark"'s radio station features the sort of "modern rock" format, ubiquitous in redneck hellhole small markets, that involves playing Nickelback at least once an hour. Not that that wasn't a pretty easy guess given the locale and the unabashed admiration for Bristol Palin.
A radio station job ???? Bristol, with your big ass I'd look for a job where I'd have to move a lot….
Bristol Palin carried a fetus in her womb for nine months. I think she knows a little bit more about life than you think, Mr. Cynical Blogger!
Did she really name her son after her father's 'alleged' hooker Shailey Tripp? That is some messed up sh*t right there.
Aha! Andrew Sullivan time! So Trigg is really Bristol's baby, and Tripp is Shailey Tripp's baby… shame and scandal in the family… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlqbt1PQ1ek&fe...
This is a Clear Channel station, isn't it? Fuckin Clear Channel – the radio equivalent to Fox.
Eh, honestly she sounds like a 20 year old. It was probably a morning show and she was still hung over and sore from all the drinking and buttseks the night before. Is anyone else having flash backs of their undergrad? No, just me? O.K.
"Keep on keepin' on," for crying out loud? Hello, 1970's radio? We found your morons, please take 'em back.
That Bristol gal is gonna be a real porker come mommy's age. Shit, she already has three chins.
Me too! I think it's the bleach I poured in there. Please, call an ambulance.
Best description of modern Arizona housing evah.
MO I think you're right, but as Prag says the Speedway and Faux Sports NASCAR love to play it, especially when the race cars do multiple do-si-dos with lots of bent metal.
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