• 'Hey mister president I got somethin' in my mouth i'm gonna stick down *your* mouth!'Republican time travelers have a very strong argument against Barack Obama’s state of the union speech — the speech he will give tonight — and it basically goes like this: “Oh yeah, well then why doesn’t everyone have a job?” If, by chance, he announces that everyone as of this moment has a steady job, because of Magick, they will respond with “Oh yeah, and how are we supposed to afford that?” This is a pretty good response, either way, probably, as America’s political media and lobbyists and perhaps a few other oddballs here and there get ready for the anti-social event of the season. From Washington to Maryland to Northern Virginia, people who make their living from the political process will glumly/gladly watch Obama’s speech as Members of Congress sit or stand or applaud or yell “You Lie!” Nothing compares to the excitement. One time about five years ago, this crazy lady grabbed George W. Bush by the ass and literally jammed her tongue down his throat for something like 45 minutes, while people cried over Iraq. Speaking of Michelle Bachmann, tonight she will give her own special YouTube crazy people “response” to Obama’s speech. Desperate ninth-place cable news network CNN will actually put this on the CNN news channel, because they’ll do anything in hopes of attracting another dozen viewers somehow, even if all these viewers are in a single senior-care ward in Florida. [NYT/LA Times]
  • Some “amateur historian” (blogger?) changed/forged the date on some Abraham Lincoln presidential pardon, because the “amateur historian” wanted to sell his book about the untrue thing. As a result, Marc Rich will get the death penalty. [NYT]
  • You may think you’re chompin’ a delicious anus-burger meat-lover’s fourthmeal burrito down at the Taco Bell right now, in the morning, but a class action suit filed against America’s Primary Feeding Station Chain alleges “the ‘taco meat filling’ used by Taco Bell contains only about 35% beef, with binders, extenders, preservatives, additives and other agents making up the other 65%.” So you’re only eating 35% diseased, rendered, antibiotic/fertilizer-impregnated cow anus. How are you even getting around, when you’re robbed of 65% of your primary nutrient? [NY Daily News]
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  • Yo quiero Taco Bell because I like to get the runs from the border.

  • "in a single senior-care ward in Florida…" …or trapped in the Minneapolis-St.Paul airport with no Leinenkugel. Headline News: white noise for airport delays

    • horsedreamer_1

      Wouldn't Twin Cities flyers be drinking Summit? Or, has my state's singature sort-of, maybe, I-don't-know-if-it-ever-qualified-as-such-but-it-doesn't-now microbrewer successfully seized the Minnesota market?

      • there's a Leinenkugel pub at MSP. And they used to sell the Summer Wheat on Frontier Airlines (just after the Midwest merger) but that shit's sadly long gone.

    • Aren't all the Twin city peoples in the bathrooms tapping?

    • Troubledog

      If you're gonna be trapped somewhere, MSP isn't bad. After their remodel, it's like being at the mall.

      • like being at a mall that closes at 7:30pm. I spent the night there once… not so much goin' on in the evening time.

  • SorosBot

    Mmmm, Taco Bell processed meat food. It may be crap, but I still love it; besides, it's the only national chain for Mexican food (OK, "Mexican" food).

    The fact that their secret is the same as the Doublemeat Palace should not surprise anyone.

    • revmod

      It's a meat process.

    • horsedreamer_1

      El Pollo Loco resents the implication.

      • SorosBot

        Never heard of it, so I kind of doubt that's a national chain. Is this going to be like an earlier discussion of burger chains, where people started bringing up places with names like "Jack in the Box" and "Carl Jr." without realizing those places only exist on the West Coast?

        • CalamityJames

          Carl Jr's is Hardee's in the east. Milo's however, exists only in the south, and no one cares.

          • SorosBot

            Really? That's probably more like was, since Hardee's seems to barely exist outside of highway rest stops now.

          • CalamityJames


          • ChessieNefercat

            "outside of highway rest stops "
            Or (trust me on this) isolated rural areas that got excited a couple of years ago because Arby's came to town.

          • natoslug

            Pfft! Like there's anything that matters beyond the West Coast.

        • babyeinstein

          we gots el pollo loco in DC. but that might just be because all the demo-craps love the mehicans so damn much.

          • horsedreamer_1

            It's for all the Salvadorans being hired on as housekeepers, gardeners, & DC United starting eleven.

        • Eliteist.

          (Edit) it's going to be national in the future Mike Judge told me so.

        • Rorgg

          Jack in the Box goes all the way to St. Louis, but I'm pretty sure that's the closest to me here in Chicagoland.

          Which is a pity, because Breakfast Jacks kick butt.

          And yeah, Del Taco is far superior to Taco Bell, but they're all West, too, I think.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Taco Time is pretty good too, but from their website it looks like their coverage is mostly in the western half of the US.

            Also their stuff costs twice as much as Taco Bell, and has the disadvantage of looking/tasting like something you might actually find in Mexico.

          • horsedreamer_1

            There were Del Taco franchises in Charleston, SC, when I lived there, twenty years ago.

      • jim89048

        I want to meet that little spinner with the surfboard in their commercials, but probably not bad enough to go eat there. If there was one nearby to patronize, that is.

    • Chipotle or GTFO.

    • GregComlish

      Taco Bell is not the only chain, merely the largest and the worst. Chipotle, Baja Fresh, California Tortilla, Q'doba, Taco Time, Tacos Del Mar, etc, are all large national chains and are all way better than Taco Bell. That is why those chains are rapidly expanding in trendy, populated areas while Taco Bell struggles to stay solvent in Meth Country.

  • Terry

    I hope Bachmann's rebuttal is more widely watched than the official GOP one. I really do.

    • Beowoof

      I am pretty sure it will be the most awesome speech of the night, at least from the standpoint of Wonkette.

      • Terry

        It may cause historians to change careers, however.

  • vulpes82

    I know, Ken, you'll smite me with the power of Bob Dylan or whatever, but I admit it: I do enjoy, from time to time, Taco Bell anus beef/binder delivery systems with a nice side of Sparkling Corn Syrup.

    • horsedreamer_1

      I havn't eaten Taco Bell in three years.

      I am jonesing for a Mexican Pizza something fierce.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Man, I used to chow down on their breakfast burritos, with eggs and sausage, and lots of their "hot" sauce. They still make those breakfast burritos? Those were great.

      • BerkeleyBear

        Nope (at least not anywhere I know).
        Not having really good breakfast burritos is one very shitty part of living in Lincoln Land, by the way. McDonald's are crap, the McSkillet ones that were a slight upgrade got yanked, and no one seems to appreciate the glories of chorizo y huevos around here.

  • George Will-Joe Wilson-Sam Alito-Taco Bell: More like the 'Whack-is Of Evil'

    haha, amirite?

    • babyeinstein

      heh heh heh

  • V572625694

    Thanks, Ken. A day without mention of anus burgers, or anus-based food-substitute-stuffed tacos, is like a day without…well, something.

  • Barbara_i

    Oh great, they're using chicken lips and pig peckers in my Taco Bell food. That explains the ice cold diarrhea.

    • But what will explain the watery slurry pouring forth from the mouths of Bachmann and Ryan?

  • doxastic

    Prediction: Obama's State of the Union is/will be bad because of socialism.

    • V572625694

      Or facism. They're essentially the same thing according to one of the Goldberg Boys.

      • Can't it be both?

        • V572625694

          Socialism is government ownership of the means of production, whereas fascism is a business-oriented oligarchic government which heavily represses its citizens. In the minds of Republicans socialism and fascism are "stuff we don't like, especially when propounded by a colored man." So, yes.

          • SorosBot

            Nuh-uh! The Nazis had "socialist" in their party name, therefore they are the exact same thing!! If you try and refudiate me with any of your little facts, welll they differ from what I want to believe so LALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!

          • DoktorZoom

            Sign at a Boise Tea Party rally: "Obama is a Commie-Narcist"

            I asked the guy what it meant, and he said that Obama is a communist and a Nazi. I suggested that wasn't a real thing, and you can predict the outcome. Then one of the others in his group started accusing me of the slimy liberal tactic of picking on the poor fellow just so I could ridicule him.

            Which, of course, is kinda true. But apparently it is elitist to suggest that words mean something.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Be funny if he came out for the SoTU and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, gathered friends, member of congress, the the state of the Union is socialist, soon to be communist. Bwhahahahahah!"

            Just think of all the troublesome olds and obese diabetic conservatives we'd lose from the sudden, massive wave of heart attacks. Be the very best thing our president could do to reduce heath care costs.

          • Lost_Teabaggers

            Woah…hang on there…if wingnuts read what you just posted about fascism and you also sweeten it by talking about the government killing people to maintain white power/privilege you will have them in brown shirts tomorrow (or maybe white shirts since t-baggits are all about irony, because they're completely unaware of it). The US will be turned into a hellish fascist utopia (somehow worse than it is now) with concentration camps for us all libtards (dibs on Sara Benincasa, I called her first!) and we'll end up invading France and the UK because history must repeat itself since those repeating it are complete ignoramuses; I can see it all begin now! Oh wait haha, I said t-baggs must READ this comment and…nevermind, crisis averted

    • widestanceroman

      It will be bad because the United States of Eden has fallen from grace and we aren't all the same anymore. Kenyan anti-colonial Sharia law has made us all different and enslaved, which our founding fathers tirelessly fought against the tolerance of, while the happy african immigrants played cheerfully in sunny fields of the fabric of our lives, lazy from start to finish, so we had to downgrade their equalness to property to save the founding fathers dream of All One, All One, All One from becoming a socialist hospital state dying of cancerous debt left to our grandchildren's children.

      Also as well as plus more and such what.

    • Terry

      and because he's not a teabagger Republican and because he's not white.

    • GOPCrusher

      I just wonder how long it will take after the speech, for someone to state that it's more proof that President Obama isn't listening to Real Americans.

  • ttommyunger

    ….his speech will be bad because, well, you know, he's BLACK!

  • hockeymom

    1. I read on the Twitters that CNN is offering "equal time" to both the GOP and whatever thing Bachmann represents. Is this true and WTF?

    2. Will she-who-can-not-be-named be firing up the Facebook tonight?

    • SorosBot

      So CNN is finally admitting to the three-party world the mainstream media believes in:

      1. Slightly to the left of center (AKA socialist commies)
      2. Right-wing
      3. Far, far, far, far, batshit insane right-wing.

      As for actual liberals? The media will alternate between either pretending we don't exist, or are just a bunch of dirty pot-smoking hippies who can be safely patronized and have nothing worthy to say.

  • Not_So_Much

    Who will jam their tongue down Barry's throat tonight? My money is on Walnuts cuz he's been waiting five long years!!

    • RedneckMuslin

      Barry should shove his tongue down Michelle's throat. That would ruin her career cuz, like a stripper, whitey won't have anything more to do with you. Do it for the team, Barry!

      • V572625694

        You probably meant to say "Michele." Cuz Barry can do Michelle any time she allows it.

        • For MB should we spell trollop with just one l too?

          • Not_So_Much


  • So Taco Bell will start sellin' semi-vegan in 3, 2, 1…

    • Terry

      Is the Taco Bell thing really a surprise? They sell a half pound burrito with "beef", cheese, sour cream, Fritos, and who the heck knows else for 99 cents. They have to be cutting some corners.

    • AngryGeometer

      Yeah, seriously. At the point where your 'beef' is only 35% derived from a cow, why not swap it out for texturized vegetable protein? MMMM soy anus.

      Oh, I just looked at Taco Bell India's menu, and I would definitely eat there. No fake meat, but "Mexican paneer, beans and rice, fajita veggies, cheese sauce, fiesta salsa and cheese" sounds pretty good.

      • Oh man that actually sounds delicious. (Minus the "cheese sauce," which is spooge.)

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Probably more like a soy and cornstarch based thing w/cheese flavor powder added. They have chemical engineers in India, too. Pretty good ones, in fact.

      • nonbeliever7

        Ya know…. if you google "soy anus" (just for amusement value), and google helpfully changes it to "boy anus"….you get a call from the Corporate Ethics department.

  • deanbooth

    The Lincoln letter forger claims "I got leaned on for two hours with a mixture of pressure and false promises. While they weren’t driving splinters under my fingernails."

    Even librarians have embraced our culture of torture. Your claims to have already returned a book may require further "investigation."

    • DoktorZoom

      Librarians can subject me to whatever despicable cruelties they wish. I will willingly comply with our Bookish Overlords.

  • TimeCubist

    There ought to be a personality profile checklist to tell you whether you're a Binder or an Extender.

  • mrpuma2u

    No wonder I feel full when I eat taco smell, the meat is full of filler!!!! Maybe I'll chomp on a chalupa, whilst I listen to Batshit Bachmann as she asks people to take up arms against the federal government.

  • Oblios_Cap

    America’s Primary Feeding Station Chain

    I hear that, in the future, Taco Bell will be the only remaining fast food outlet. It was in a movie.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I can't wait for Malkin and Erick, son of Erick, to all go batshit insane over the Five Pillars of Job Creation that O'bama is going to unveil in his speech tonight.

  • HolyMaracas

    The SOTU Circus should skip town every other year.

  • Lazy Media

    Considering how unhealthy beef is, let alone the kind of beef Taco Bell uses, they're probably using so little of it to keep from killing off their customers prematurely. Big Diabetes must be served!

  • freakishlywrong

    Well, according to the very serious George Will, the SOTU is just a pep rally when given by mixed-raced Democratic Presidents. My money's on Gohmert to bring the noise tonight.

    • horsedreamer_1

      With his crew, the I1W (Insecurity of the First World).

    • jim89048

      His date for tonight is Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, so maybe he'll keep the anti-Semitism at bay, at least.

      • horsedreamer_1

        She wants to become a citizen of the Republic of Texas (once, that is, Rick Perry's stops suckling the Federal Teat), & needs Gohmert to conceive her anchor-baby?

  • catchtheflava

    The REAL news of the day, that Bristol has a new man, isn't even posted here. Wonkette is about as reliable as the LAMESTREAM MEDIA. Perhaps this new one also bears the name of one of the tribes of Israel/cooks meth.

    She also looks like she's been laying into those beef anus/testicle/compacted eyeball burritos pretty hot and heavy now that DWTS is over.

    • SorosBot

      The Wonkette already broke that news a week ago, though:
      And the Daily News didn't even credit Jack.

      Oh, and asking Levi to sign over his parental rights is a really shitty thing to do if he actually wants be a father to the kid. Yeah, she claims she'd still let him visit – does anyone believe that?

      • ChessieNefercat

        "does anyone believe that? "
        No, why would we, she's a Palin. isn't she?

    • mrpuma2u

      If you stop and think about it, ya kinda knew that there was going to be a DWTS rebound/relapse, as she did more exercise in her couple of weeks on that show than in the previous 6 years of her life.

    • Yes, it appears that Bristol has been chained to garbage bin behind Taco Bell for a couple months, while Levi's new shortie might be semi-hot.

      This is getting dangerously close to celebrity news (gulp), isn't it (gulp)?

    • doxastic

      20 year old meatheads make the best stepfathers!

    • hagajim

      I think she was laying into the anus burritos pretty heavy while she was on DWTS – only contestant who ever gained weight on the damn show. Everyone else parleyed a win into a Jenny Craig ad…Bristol needs to work the double chees burrito angle.

      • jim89048

        Abstinence is so fattening!

        • Fucking is slimming?

        • sati_demise

          that is so true.

          • jim89048

            It is sad that I know this.

  • neiltheblaze

    I love CNN. So Republicans get to rebut Obama twice. I love that even-handed fairness thing they've got going on.

    And why does Intense Debate think "Obama" is a misspelling?

  • horsedreamer_1

    9th place news-organ CNN

    Other channels/programming exceeding CNN's share, besides FOX News & MSNBC:

    Bravo Presents Queer Eye for the Straight Guy: Special Report: The Fleecing of America

    The Business of America is Michael Bloomberg

    Simulcast of a Radio Programme that Doesn't Feature Sybian Riding (So, why watch?)

    Naked as the News on PlayboyTV presented by John Siegenthaler & Ashleigh Banfield

    Canal Plus World Service Puppet Theatre

    SimNews Hong Kong

    • Beowoof

      I would watch Asleigh Banfield naked on the news. That would be appointment television and make sure the fapping lotion is close.

    • GOPCrusher

      Ashleigh Banfield riding a sybian would be a rating bonanza.

  • Hera Sent Me

    Obama's speech will be bad because…

    …it will remind voters who the adult in the room is.

    …it will be rebutted by a hypocrite and a crazy hypocrite, respectively.

    …you can't blurt out "you lie" in the middle of it, because of civility, or something.

    …not all the Supremes will be there, because of incivility, or something.

    …Michelle will give you "that look" if you grimace or make farting noises.

  • hollywooddood

    I did find a chicken penis in my Taco Bell burrito one time. It tasted like chicken.

    • mrpuma2u

      Just one time? You must be a casual user.

  • mumbly_joe

    If, by chance, he announces that everyone as of this moment has a steady job, because of Magick, they will respond with “Oh yeah, and how are we supposed to afford that?”

    Also, that would make him a witch/antichrist, because he's not a Teabag-American candidate for Senate in Delaware, and that would itself be a source of criticism, because witchcraft/antichristery are actually somehow a major concern amongst Teabag-Americans who want to be (and are!) taken seriously on a national level.

  • el_donaldo

    Ryan, the fraudulent grifter, is responding for GOP. Bachmann is responding from an alternate reality. One that doesn't even recognize our own reality, which is why she gets to tape her response before what she's responding to even happens.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Must have been interesting to be in the room while she wrote her babblesquawk, watching her bug eyed insane eyes zipping back and forth from the future to the present, trying to catch up with her while she went back and forth from her universe to ours before deciding to stay, for now, with the Terrans.

  • metamarcisf

    Just a note to Wonkette to tell you how much we all appreciate your coverage of tonight's State of the Union address (SOTU), as well as the rebuttal by Michele Bachmann (STFU). Work good the up keep!

  • BeWoot

    You sit!

    • vulpes82

      Now stay!

    • sati_demise

      the gentleman is correct in sitting!

  • hockeymom

    Obama's speech will be bad because he won't tell us that he is pulling the troops out of Afghanistan TODAY.

    Related, BOO on the Oscar people for not nominating The Pat Tillman story for Best Documentary.

    • V572625694

      The Oscar people probably feel they paid their debt to the War Gods by voting for "The Hurt Locker" last year.

  • neiltheblaze

    Ah! Well, my browser is apparently a little behind on current events. And you're right – Wasilla does generate a red line. As for Tundratwat, that should become common parlance immediately.

    At least it also rejects "refudiate" – so that's something.

  • Come here a minute

    Obama's State of the Union speech will be bad because it won't include Gabby Giffords being wheeled in and propped up on the House floor, tapping [APPLAUSE] on her iPad every time the President says something Democratic.

    • sati_demise

      but they are leaving a symbolic, empty seat.

      • Come here a minute

        They need to put an iPad with FaceTime on that seat so it's just like she's shouting "You lie!!" in person.

  • HolyMaracas

    Anybody dumb enough to pay only 99 cents for a taco should have zero expectations on the quality of the food.

  • hagajim

    Barry's SOTU is going to largely suck because he's going to be trotting out the triangulation meme made so famous by Bubba Clinton – basically trying to steal the rights thunder by selling every damn one of us who voted for him down the river so he can get re-elected in two years as the lesser of two evils. So what we're gonne hear is a bunch of pandering to big business and a bunch of fuck off and die's to the rest of us…the end.

    • tiredalways

      Apart from all the bitching we do here at W, what choices do we have? Can you even image the alternative option provided by McShit & Shit ticket?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Hey, it worked for Clinton. If it hadn't been for all his little girlfriends, he might have accomplished something in that second term.

  • undeterredbyreality

    All I want to know is which Democrat gets to sit next to Joe Wilson?

    • tiredalways

      And would s/he have a taser gun to keep him in line?

  • DoktorZoom

    It's right there, on the Dr. Bronner's soap label.

  • SOTU itself needs to STFU, regardless of administration or party. It's a bloated TV and photo op that goes well beyond the original requirement in the Constitution.

  • DoktorZoom

    Talk about a wasted invitation.

  • People are just confused–this is Taco Bell's recycling initiative!

    "Contains road salt, Gold Bond® medicated powder, dehydrated corn husks and no more than 29% minced beef tongue."

  • DoktorZoom

    Dilute! Dilute!

  • GeneralLerong

    I've always thought Taco Bell filling tastes like catfood.

    At least, it tastes like what the pet cats I eat seem to have been fattened upon. Or upon what the pet cats I eat seem to have been fattened up. Or upon what the pet cats I eat seem to have been fattened.

    Time to bang head on desk now.

  • notreelyhelping

    It may suck, but Biden will be grinning! It's a big fuckin' deal!

  • snoopyfan2010

    And that's why I order the bean and rice burrito.

    • sati_demise

      yummm GMO's

  • More importantly, who's taking who to the National Prom Night? Will America's Irascible Gay Uncle Barney Frank be sitting hand-in-hand with America's Prim Gay Aunt, Lindsey Graham? Which teabag freshman gets to stammer small-talk at hotty Kirsten Gillibrand while she leans as far away in her seat as possible and avoids eye contact?

  • GregComlish

    Taco Bell will always be remembered as the home of the infamous "Seven Layer Burrito."

    In not one but multiple notorious incidents that span the course of several years, Taco Bell staff members were caught ejaculating in (or having already ejaculated into) the refried beans. This last incident occurred coincident with the release of the ill-concieved promotional "Six Layer Burrito", forever cementing the tragic monkier. This is not an urban legend, this is all well documented in the local media and is known to have happened at the Taco Bell on 1057 Cerrillos Rd in Santa Fe, NM. I am dead serious. It's probably happened elsewhere too. If you're eating at Taco Bell then trust me, the fact that they're adding corn starch to their beef is the least of your worries. You should really be more concerned about the unlisted additives.

    Like Semen.

  • GregComlish

    Obama will defend Taco Bell in his SOTU address:

    In short the 35% beef is a great victory for all Americans. Sure, some purist liberals have criticized the President. But they would have rejected any deal with Taco Bell. These are members of the Professional Left and would not be satisfied eating anything other than actual food. Most Americans appreciate a compromise. This is not the beefiness the President would have liked, but due to the 60 Vote Requirement in the Senate he could only guarantee the 35% beef. Obama is President and not King. He will strive to improve standards in the future. In the mean time he thanks John Boener and Eric Cantor for coming to the table and negotiating in good faith for the American people in eliminating the estate tax, capital gains tax, and any tax on income over $2 million dollars, and increasing the minimum beef quotient to 35% The State of the Union is Strong. God Bless America.

  • ChessieNefercat

    Are we still talking about spell checking? Because with tundratwat in the sentence ole' red line sounds like a disease.

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