when rock was young

Elton John Pleads Not Guilty To Arizona Shooting Deaths

Hakuna Matata!
Jared Loughner pleaded not guilty today in federal court in Phoenix. Sure thing! Good luck with that! But according to courtroom illustrations, it wasn’t Loughner who entered the plea, but someone who appeared to be beloved recording artist/dear friend of Rush Limbaugh Elton John. C’mon Arizona, you can’t prosecute the gays for this. [CTV]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • Barbara_i

    Don't shoot him, he's only the piano player.
    Anyway, he's more of a Rocket Man.

    • V572625694

      Raketenmensch

  • jim89048

    I wish MY hair would grow back that fast.

  • JackDempsey1

    He's going the justifiable homicide/"Circle of Life" defense.

    • mereoblivion

      Or too many Twinkies.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Have you seen Elton, lately? I mean, how could you not?

        /tugs collar

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I'm guessing he's going to go for the Just Plain Fuckin' Crazy defense.

  • Tommmcatt

    Alt-text has never been better, say I.

  • fuflans

    someone saved my life tonight.

    • DoktorZoom

      Someone shaved my wife tonight

      EDIT: Also, Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me

      • Barbara_i

        The girl with colitis goes by….
        Cellophane flowers of yellow and green,
        Towering over your head.

        • DoktorZoom

          I recall a poster at kissthisguy.com who claimed that they thought that the Pinball Wizard was a racist: "That damn fuckin' black kid sure plays a mean pinball"

          • Barbara_i

            Hold me closer Tony Danza.
            Count the headlights on the highway.
            Lay me down in sheets of linen
            You had a busy day today.

          • http://michaelfountain.blogspot.com/ Angry_Marmot

            Cock blocking, the sound is shocking…

      • Limeylizzie

        When I first heard the Robert Palmer "Addicted to Love" , I thought the lyric was "You might as well face it , it's my dick that you love".

        • DoktorZoom

          I thought that the Ramones were singing "I Want a Piece of Data."

          • Barbara_i

            My husband thought Duran Duran's "Girls on Film" was "Girls on Pills"

          • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

            Meanwhile, Slade is tempted by the foot of your mother.

          • BarackMyWorld

            Excuse me, while I kiss this guy.

          • jim89048

            The ants are my friends, they're blowin' in the wind…

          • DoktorZoom

            Blessed art thou, a monk swimming, and blessed is the Fruit-of-the-Loom Jesus

          • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

            My anus is my center hole.

          • PsycWench

            Ah, summer evenings listening to Eddie Money singing about two chickens to paralyze.

        • mourningnmerica

          Actually, this IS the lyric.

        • bflrtsplk

          Limey Lizzie, you are so hot. How 'bout a little cybersex on the side? My wife won't min-

          "'Ey. Bflrtsplk, get your sorry ass off the Internets and come to bed already. And keep your grimy cybermitts offa Limey Lizzy!"

          I stand corrected.

        • OC_Surf_Serf

          Recently read the lyrics to "Sympathy for the Devil" and was amazed at how wrong I have been for 30 years! (wife has a list for the last 22 years) and I am starting to understand why my kids tell me to stop singing to the radiostations…I am a man of smell and taste…

        • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

          Addicted to drugs.

        • PsycWench

          It was probably inspired by Whitney Houston singing "Shaving Off My Muff For You".

      • smokefilledroommate

        Bingo, Jed and Lionel
        Don't carry me too far away

        • DoktorZoom

          Big ol' Jed had a light on…

    • Lascauxcaveman

      "Goddamit you're all gonna die."

  • angryclownspawn

    Can't you feel the love tonight? Yeah, me either.

  • PublicLuxury

    He's always lived his life like a candle in the wind.

  • glamourdammerung

    Anyone else see that picture and wonder where James O'Keefe is?

    • DoktorZoom

      Crow: How much Keefe is in this movie, anyway?
      Servo: MILES O'Keefe!

  • x111e7thst

    I do not wish to think about Elton John in a red thong. And NO, I don't care whether his Glock has an extended clip.

  • Mumbletypeg
  • Progressiveinga

    More Liam Neeson than EJ, I'd say. Either they presented the wrong defendant at the hearing today or that artist needs to start over with Tippy the Turtle.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Come to think of it, I can definitely see casting Loughner as the Browndirt Cowboy.

    • Barbara_i

      I'm sure this will be one of the many nicknames they will consider at the prison rodeo that they will be holding inside the cells.

  • emmelemm

    Red G-string in Blingee = horf

    • Crank_Tango

      Why did I look…also, too, we need neilist/Eleanor to point out that's not a glock he's packing…

      really, it's not.

  • Crank_Tango

    Not guilty by reason of inflammity?

    • not that Dewey

      Not guilty by reason of Sean Hannity.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Don't wish you away
    Looks like you'll be locked up forever
    Between you and me I could honestly say
    That things can only get dumber
    And while I'm away
    Air out your demons inside
    And it won't be long before you get tossed away
    To the dark side of jail where you'll rot

    And I guess that's why they call you a nut
    Time on my hands could be time ignoring you
    Shooting at people, failing at life
    Wearing red speedos with Glock in hand
    And I guess that's why they call you a nut

  • JustPixelz

    It's about time Elton John faces justice for his musical crimes. He's do time for this — waltz time, I'm sure.

  • Barbara_i

    His husband, David will Furnish him with an alibi.

  • nounverb911

    Did he have a temper tantrum?

  • Troubledog

    Wasn't he off in some godforsaken hellhole someplace, buying some baby that Angelina Jolie didn't already own?

    • Barbara_i

      Nah, it was a petri dish baby, probably fathered by David Crosby.

      • Troubledog

        So it's gonna be bald, gay AND fat? My gawd, put an eyepatch on the little fucker, teach him to blow and call him Dale Chihuly.

        • Troubledog

          Seriously, if you are in Tacoma, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting some monument to Dale Fucking Chihuly.

          They made a fucking bridge covered with his melted ashtrays; it lights up at night. They made a bigass Museum Of Glass which is where he keeps the rest of his melted ashtrays.

          Never mind the Narrows Bridge and Mt. Rainier – melted ashtrays are now the "postcard identity" of Tacoma, the so-called City of Destiny and location of my birth, for better or worse, until a mighty lahar sweeps it into the foul and ASARCO-polluted bay forever, amen.

          • horsedreamer_1

            I thought it was just a Toyota 4×4.

            Seriously, though, Sea-Tac Airport might be my favourite — domestic, anyway. Surprisingly, Detroit might be number two.

  • hooray4anything

    Just further proof Elton will perform anywhere if you give him enough money

  • DoktorZoom

    Wow. I never would have thought the phrase "What a horrible affront to his dignity!" could ever apply to Elton John.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Whatever. Is "my" wonkette life blogging the SOTU? So it won't bore me to tears? Not that it applies to me, but in the drinking game, what is designated booze when Boner cries?

    • Barbara_i

      Orange blossoms?

    • jim89048

      I just had to watch my new Messican goobernor's SOTS Address, alone. Cliffs Notes version: Wind, solar power, good. Rural broadband, good. Public employees and retirees, bad. Gambling, good. Public school teachers, bad. Private school vouchers, good. New interstate 'tween Vegas and Phoenix, good. High-speed rail 'tween Vegas and L.A., good(!) Taxes to pay for them, bad. Well, virtually all taxes, bad. The end.
      Damn, I wish I drank.

      • Barbara_i

        Are you talking about Martinez? The New Mexico Goobernor?

        • jim89048

          Brian Sandoval, Nevaduh.

          • Barbara_i

            Oh, I thought you were talking about my bat shit crazy Governor, Martinez in New Mexico. She's wasting edjumacation tax money, trying to bring back the death penalty. She wants DNA testing for everyone arrested.

            Could you e-mail your governor, asking them to raise the speed limit, please. I'll be there in two weeks and I am terrified of the chupacabra and I need to drive really fast.

          • jim89048

            What, 70/75mph isn't good enough?
            Sadly we're broke and traffic fines are easy money. I get even, though–I do all my really high-speed driving in California, after the CHP officer goes home (to Nevada, ironically) for the night.

            I imagine you miss Bill Richardson about now. I know I do. I have property in New Mexico too, south of Deming…

          • Barbara_i

            I love Bill Richardson. Martinez has that same "pissed off at the world" sneer that Palin has and I can't watch her on TV.

            The New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada drive with the amazing landscapes is a pleasant experience. http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e324/Barb092162

    • Crank_Tango

      I can't decide between gypsy tears and fermented horse urine…for some reason I am channeling Borat…

  • Come here a minute

    I remember that pinball machine — the lyrics were Pete Townshend, but the boots were pure Elton fabulousness!

  • LibrulEleet

    It's sad, so sad
    It's a sad, sad situation
    And it's getting more and more absurd
    It's sad, so sad
    Why can't we talk it over
    Oh it seems to me
    That sorry seems to be the hardest word

  • HarryButtle

    Lady Di in a thong…Elton John in a thong…Jared Loughner in a thong…Justin Beiber in a thong.

    One of these thongs is not like the others.

  • HarryButtle

    Lady Di in a thong…Elton John in a thong…Jared Loughner in a thong…Justin Beiber in a thong.

  • mourningnmerica

    I hate to be a party pooper, but this is a serious post. Interestingly enough. Elton John wrote a song about someone exactly like this guy. It's one of his more obscure songs, and for obvious reasons did not get any radio play. It is called Ticking, and is considered one of his greatest achievements by some critics. If you are unfamiliar with it, you should You Tube it. It is truly haunting, and beautiful.
    OK, now the rest of you, back to the wisecracks.

    • Barbara_i

      The party ain't pooped. Thanks for the link.

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      I gave you an upfist for daring to be serious.

      Here's the youtube (one of 'em, anyways).
      ~

      • PuckStopsHere

        Oh, God. I remember that song. I remember playing it on the college radio station (I was QUITE the DJ. Then I was let go.

    • the_problem_child

      Sadly, you are correct. Except not very haunting. More Elton as expected.

      • DoktorZoom

        Hmmm…It's pretty darn 70's, isn't it? I can't quite get past that strange pronunciation of "caucasian"… Caw-KAY-zee-ann?

        It's no "I Don't Like Mondays," that's for sure.

  • HarryButtle

    Lady Di in a thong…Elton John in a thong…Jared Loughner in a thong…Justin Beiber in a thong. One of these thongs is not like the others.

  • smokefilledroommate

    Get back, honky cat.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Saturday morning's all right for assassinating…

  • lulzmonger

    Crockodile Glock.

  • Qatarded

    Artist's rendering = the love child of Bernard Geotz and Jeffrey Dahmer.

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  • PocketsTheClown

    Goodbye hollow point load, cant afford the quality rounds.
    Hit that chick in the head though, guess I'll lay down on the ground.

    (need a little help here come on people)

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Someone Failed to Save My Life Tonight.

  • Negropolis

    I know we have to talk about it, but I couldn't really care any less what Jared Loughner does or says. The only thing I'll care to hear about is when that shit-eating grin is forcibly removed from his penis-face.

    He'll learn soon enough that there is nothing funny about prison-rape.

    • transfatz

      I'd be really surprised if they put him into the general prison population. I suspect he would be just another notch on someone's sharpened spoon.

      • Negropolis

        Oh, you're depressing me, further. This clown is exactly the type that loves to live in his head, all day every day, so I doubt solitary confinement will be much of a punishment to his crazy-ass.

        Punishment/torture (and potential redemption) will only come from this bastard by forcing him to socialize and also having him talk about his crime with a certified therapist. He needs to be forced to acknowledge and then live with the horror he created for the rest of his life, being forced to call out to some proverbial god for mercy, forever.

  • horsedreamer_1

    I suppose Sir Elton took the cat-calls of the Harley Fest crowd pretty hard.

  • smokefilledroommate

    When all hope is gone
    Red Thongs say so much

  • transfatz

    Really, drop that gun, it's so clashy-clashy.

  • schvitzatura

    Loughner will claim his father to be Alvin Tostig…insanity defense thingee:

    He was born a pauper to a pawn on a 9/11(-1=10)!/88 day
    When the New York Times said God is dead (at least 1000x since November 29, 1971)
    And the war's begun (Muj shootin' down Hinds in Afgannystan; blowback to commence in less than a decade)

    And he shall be Lough(Levon)er…(?)

  • schvitzatura

    This man's a jester playing Shakespeare
    Round your court room floor
    While the juggler's act is danced upon
    The crown that Gabs once wore

  • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews/ cheaphits

    I always liked "The Sarah Palin Song" – otherwise known as "The Bitch is Back".

  • HarryButtle

    Princess Diana in a red thong.
    Elton John in a red thong.
    Jared Loughner in a red thong.
    Justin Beiber in a red thong.

    One of these thongs is not like the others.

  • horsedreamer_1

    I'm sure the homeopaths here at the Wonkette editorial would mock me, but — Propecia.