WHEN ROCK WAS YOUNG  8:46 pm January 24, 2011

Elton John Pleads Not Guilty To Arizona Shooting Deaths

by Jack Stuef

Hakuna Matata!
Jared Loughner pleaded not guilty today in federal court in Phoenix. Sure thing! Good luck with that! But according to courtroom illustrations, it wasn’t Loughner who entered the plea, but someone who appeared to be beloved recording artist/dear friend of Rush Limbaugh Elton John. C’mon Arizona, you can’t prosecute the gays for this. [CTV]

 
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Hola wonkerados.

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{ 94 comments }

Barbara_i January 24, 2011 at 8:48 pm

Don't shoot him, he's only the piano player.
Anyway, he's more of a Rocket Man.

V572625694 January 24, 2011 at 8:57 pm

Raketenmensch

jim89048 January 24, 2011 at 8:52 pm

I wish MY hair would grow back that fast.

JackDempsey1 January 24, 2011 at 8:53 pm

He's going the justifiable homicide/"Circle of Life" defense.

mereoblivion January 24, 2011 at 9:12 pm

Or too many Twinkies.

horsedreamer_1 January 25, 2011 at 9:59 am

Have you seen Elton, lately? I mean, how could you not?

/tugs collar

Lascauxcaveman January 24, 2011 at 9:42 pm

I'm guessing he's going to go for the Just Plain Fuckin' Crazy defense.

Tommmcatt January 24, 2011 at 8:56 pm

Alt-text has never been better, say I.

fuflans January 24, 2011 at 8:57 pm

someone saved my life tonight.

DoktorZoom January 24, 2011 at 9:18 pm

Someone shaved my wife tonight

EDIT: Also, Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me

Barbara_i January 24, 2011 at 9:31 pm

The girl with colitis goes by….
Cellophane flowers of yellow and green,
Towering over your head.

DoktorZoom January 24, 2011 at 9:46 pm

I recall a poster at kissthisguy.com who claimed that they thought that the Pinball Wizard was a racist: "That damn fuckin' black kid sure plays a mean pinball"

Barbara_i January 24, 2011 at 9:50 pm

Hold me closer Tony Danza.
Count the headlights on the highway.
Lay me down in sheets of linen
You had a busy day today.

Limeylizzie January 24, 2011 at 9:43 pm

When I first heard the Robert Palmer "Addicted to Love" , I thought the lyric was "You might as well face it , it's my dick that you love".

DoktorZoom January 24, 2011 at 9:50 pm

I thought that the Ramones were singing "I Want a Piece of Data."

Barbara_i January 24, 2011 at 10:04 pm

My husband thought Duran Duran's "Girls on Film" was "Girls on Pills"

mourningnmerica January 24, 2011 at 9:52 pm

Actually, this IS the lyric.

bflrtsplk January 24, 2011 at 9:53 pm

Limey Lizzie, you are so hot. How 'bout a little cybersex on the side? My wife won't min-

"'Ey. Bflrtsplk, get your sorry ass off the Internets and come to bed already. And keep your grimy cybermitts offa Limey Lizzy!"

I stand corrected.

OC_Surf_Serf January 24, 2011 at 10:08 pm

Recently read the lyrics to "Sympathy for the Devil" and was amazed at how wrong I have been for 30 years! (wife has a list for the last 22 years) and I am starting to understand why my kids tell me to stop singing to the radiostations…I am a man of smell and taste…

trampndirtdown January 24, 2011 at 11:04 pm

Addicted to drugs.

PsycWench January 25, 2011 at 9:27 am

It was probably inspired by Whitney Houston singing "Shaving Off My Muff For You".

smokefilledroommate January 25, 2011 at 1:12 am

Bingo, Jed and Lionel
Don't carry me too far away

DoktorZoom January 25, 2011 at 11:42 am

Big ol' Jed had a light on…

Lascauxcaveman January 24, 2011 at 9:44 pm

"Goddamit you're all gonna die."

angryclownspawn January 24, 2011 at 9:00 pm

Can't you feel the love tonight? Yeah, me either.

PublicLuxury January 24, 2011 at 9:03 pm

He's always lived his life like a candle in the wind.

glamourdammerung January 24, 2011 at 9:03 pm

Anyone else see that picture and wonder where James O'Keefe is?

DoktorZoom January 25, 2011 at 12:02 am

Crow: How much Keefe is in this movie, anyway?
Servo: MILES O'Keefe!

x111e7thst January 24, 2011 at 9:04 pm

I do not wish to think about Elton John in a red thong. And NO, I don't care whether his Glock has an extended clip.

Mumbletypeg January 24, 2011 at 9:05 pm
Progressiveinga January 24, 2011 at 9:08 pm

More Liam Neeson than EJ, I'd say. Either they presented the wrong defendant at the hearing today or that artist needs to start over with Tippy the Turtle.

mrblifil January 24, 2011 at 9:09 pm

Come to think of it, I can definitely see casting Loughner as the Browndirt Cowboy.

Barbara_i January 24, 2011 at 10:06 pm

I'm sure this will be one of the many nicknames they will consider at the prison rodeo that they will be holding inside the cells.

emmelemm January 24, 2011 at 9:12 pm

Red G-string in Blingee = horf

Crank_Tango January 24, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Why did I look…also, too, we need neilist/Eleanor to point out that's not a glock he's packing…

really, it's not.

jim89048 January 24, 2011 at 9:57 pm
Crank_Tango January 24, 2011 at 9:12 pm

Not guilty by reason of inflammity?

not that Dewey January 24, 2011 at 11:09 pm

Not guilty by reason of Sean Hannity.

ManchuCandidate January 24, 2011 at 9:14 pm

Don't wish you away
Looks like you'll be locked up forever
Between you and me I could honestly say
That things can only get dumber
And while I'm away
Air out your demons inside
And it won't be long before you get tossed away
To the dark side of jail where you'll rot

And I guess that's why they call you a nut
Time on my hands could be time ignoring you
Shooting at people, failing at life
Wearing red speedos with Glock in hand
And I guess that's why they call you a nut

JustPixelz January 24, 2011 at 9:15 pm

It's about time Elton John faces justice for his musical crimes. He's do time for this — waltz time, I'm sure.

Barbara_i January 24, 2011 at 9:17 pm

His husband, David will Furnish him with an alibi.

nounverb911 January 24, 2011 at 9:20 pm

Did he have a temper tantrum?

Troubledog January 24, 2011 at 9:22 pm

Wasn't he off in some godforsaken hellhole someplace, buying some baby that Angelina Jolie didn't already own?

Barbara_i January 24, 2011 at 9:33 pm

Nah, it was a petri dish baby, probably fathered by David Crosby.

Troubledog January 24, 2011 at 9:48 pm

So it's gonna be bald, gay AND fat? My gawd, put an eyepatch on the little fucker, teach him to blow and call him Dale Chihuly.

Troubledog January 24, 2011 at 10:25 pm

Seriously, if you are in Tacoma, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting some monument to Dale Fucking Chihuly.

They made a fucking bridge covered with his melted ashtrays; it lights up at night. They made a bigass Museum Of Glass which is where he keeps the rest of his melted ashtrays.

Never mind the Narrows Bridge and Mt. Rainier – melted ashtrays are now the "postcard identity" of Tacoma, the so-called City of Destiny and location of my birth, for better or worse, until a mighty lahar sweeps it into the foul and ASARCO-polluted bay forever, amen.

horsedreamer_1 January 25, 2011 at 10:03 am

I thought it was just a Toyota 4×4.

Seriously, though, Sea-Tac Airport might be my favourite — domestic, anyway. Surprisingly, Detroit might be number two.

hooray4anything January 24, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Just further proof Elton will perform anywhere if you give him enough money

DoktorZoom January 24, 2011 at 9:28 pm

Wow. I never would have thought the phrase "What a horrible affront to his dignity!" could ever apply to Elton John.

DustBowlBlues January 24, 2011 at 9:28 pm

Whatever. Is "my" wonkette life blogging the SOTU? So it won't bore me to tears? Not that it applies to me, but in the drinking game, what is designated booze when Boner cries?

Barbara_i January 24, 2011 at 9:36 pm

Orange blossoms?

jim89048 January 24, 2011 at 10:09 pm

I just had to watch my new Messican goobernor's SOTS Address, alone. Cliffs Notes version: Wind, solar power, good. Rural broadband, good. Public employees and retirees, bad. Gambling, good. Public school teachers, bad. Private school vouchers, good. New interstate 'tween Vegas and Phoenix, good. High-speed rail 'tween Vegas and L.A., good(!) Taxes to pay for them, bad. Well, virtually all taxes, bad. The end.
Damn, I wish I drank.

Barbara_i January 24, 2011 at 10:15 pm

Are you talking about Martinez? The New Mexico Goobernor?

jim89048 January 24, 2011 at 11:01 pm

Brian Sandoval, Nevaduh.

Barbara_i January 24, 2011 at 11:14 pm

Oh, I thought you were talking about my bat shit crazy Governor, Martinez in New Mexico. She's wasting edjumacation tax money, trying to bring back the death penalty. She wants DNA testing for everyone arrested.

Could you e-mail your governor, asking them to raise the speed limit, please. I'll be there in two weeks and I am terrified of the chupacabra and I need to drive really fast.

Crank_Tango January 24, 2011 at 10:57 pm

I can't decide between gypsy tears and fermented horse urine…for some reason I am channeling Borat…

Come here a minute January 24, 2011 at 9:32 pm

I remember that pinball machine — the lyrics were Pete Townshend, but the boots were pure Elton fabulousness!

LibrulEleet January 24, 2011 at 9:49 pm

It's sad, so sad
It's a sad, sad situation
And it's getting more and more absurd
It's sad, so sad
Why can't we talk it over
Oh it seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word

HarryButtle January 24, 2011 at 9:54 pm

Lady Di in a thong…Elton John in a thong…Jared Loughner in a thong…Justin Beiber in a thong.

One of these thongs is not like the others.

HarryButtle January 24, 2011 at 9:57 pm

Lady Di in a thong…Elton John in a thong…Jared Loughner in a thong…Justin Beiber in a thong.

mourningnmerica January 24, 2011 at 10:04 pm

I hate to be a party pooper, but this is a serious post. Interestingly enough. Elton John wrote a song about someone exactly like this guy. It's one of his more obscure songs, and for obvious reasons did not get any radio play. It is called Ticking, and is considered one of his greatest achievements by some critics. If you are unfamiliar with it, you should You Tube it. It is truly haunting, and beautiful.
OK, now the rest of you, back to the wisecracks.

Barbara_i January 24, 2011 at 10:16 pm

The party ain't pooped. Thanks for the link.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 24, 2011 at 10:19 pm

I gave you an upfist for daring to be serious.

Here's the youtube (one of 'em, anyways).
~

PuckStopsHere January 24, 2011 at 11:23 pm

Oh, God. I remember that song. I remember playing it on the college radio station (I was QUITE the DJ. Then I was let go.

the_problem_child January 24, 2011 at 10:32 pm

Sadly, you are correct. Except not very haunting. More Elton as expected.

DoktorZoom January 25, 2011 at 12:14 am

Hmmm…It's pretty darn 70's, isn't it? I can't quite get past that strange pronunciation of "caucasian"… Caw-KAY-zee-ann?

It's no "I Don't Like Mondays," that's for sure.

HarryButtle January 24, 2011 at 10:09 pm

Lady Di in a thong…Elton John in a thong…Jared Loughner in a thong…Justin Beiber in a thong. One of these thongs is not like the others.

smokefilledroommate January 24, 2011 at 10:34 pm

Get back, honky cat.

slowhansolo January 24, 2011 at 10:57 pm

Saturday morning's all right for assassinating…

lulzmonger January 24, 2011 at 10:58 pm

Crockodile Glock.

Qatarded January 24, 2011 at 11:18 pm

Artist's rendering = the love child of Bernard Geotz and Jeffrey Dahmer.

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PocketsTheClown January 25, 2011 at 12:04 am

Goodbye hollow point load, cant afford the quality rounds.
Hit that chick in the head though, guess I'll lay down on the ground.

(need a little help here come on people)

mrblifil January 25, 2011 at 1:04 am

Someone Failed to Save My Life Tonight.

Negropolis January 25, 2011 at 1:06 am

I know we have to talk about it, but I couldn't really care any less what Jared Loughner does or says. The only thing I'll care to hear about is when that shit-eating grin is forcibly removed from his penis-face.

He'll learn soon enough that there is nothing funny about prison-rape.

transfatz January 25, 2011 at 1:51 am

I'd be really surprised if they put him into the general prison population. I suspect he would be just another notch on someone's sharpened spoon.

Negropolis January 25, 2011 at 3:29 am

Oh, you're depressing me, further. This clown is exactly the type that loves to live in his head, all day every day, so I doubt solitary confinement will be much of a punishment to his crazy-ass.

Punishment/torture (and potential redemption) will only come from this bastard by forcing him to socialize and also having him talk about his crime with a certified therapist. He needs to be forced to acknowledge and then live with the horror he created for the rest of his life, being forced to call out to some proverbial god for mercy, forever.

horsedreamer_1 January 25, 2011 at 1:17 am

I suppose Sir Elton took the cat-calls of the Harley Fest crowd pretty hard.

smokefilledroommate January 25, 2011 at 1:40 am

When all hope is gone
Red Thongs say so much

transfatz January 25, 2011 at 1:47 am

Really, drop that gun, it's so clashy-clashy.

schvitzatura January 25, 2011 at 3:10 am

Loughner will claim his father to be Alvin Tostig…insanity defense thingee:

He was born a pauper to a pawn on a 9/11(-1=10)!/88 day
When the New York Times said God is dead (at least 1000x since November 29, 1971)
And the war's begun (Muj shootin' down Hinds in Afgannystan; blowback to commence in less than a decade)

And he shall be Lough(Levon)er…(?)

schvitzatura January 25, 2011 at 3:15 am

This man's a jester playing Shakespeare
Round your court room floor
While the juggler's act is danced upon
The crown that Gabs once wore

cheaphits January 25, 2011 at 11:03 am

I always liked "The Sarah Palin Song" – otherwise known as "The Bitch is Back".

HarryButtle January 25, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Princess Diana in a red thong.
Elton John in a red thong.
Jared Loughner in a red thong.
Justin Beiber in a red thong.

One of these thongs is not like the others.

Angry_Marmot January 24, 2011 at 10:43 pm

Cock blocking, the sound is shocking…

slowhansolo January 24, 2011 at 10:53 pm

Meanwhile, Slade is tempted by the foot of your mother.

BarackMyWorld January 24, 2011 at 11:19 pm

Excuse me, while I kiss this guy.

jim89048 January 24, 2011 at 11:28 pm

What, 70/75mph isn't good enough?
Sadly we're broke and traffic fines are easy money. I get even, though–I do all my really high-speed driving in California, after the CHP officer goes home (to Nevada, ironically) for the night.

I imagine you miss Bill Richardson about now. I know I do. I have property in New Mexico too, south of Deming…

jim89048 January 24, 2011 at 11:32 pm

The ants are my friends, they're blowin' in the wind…

DoktorZoom January 24, 2011 at 11:58 pm

Blessed art thou, a monk swimming, and blessed is the Fruit-of-the-Loom Jesus

Barbara_i January 25, 2011 at 12:08 am

I love Bill Richardson. Martinez has that same "pissed off at the world" sneer that Palin has and I can't watch her on TV.

The New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada drive with the amazing landscapes is a pleasant experience. http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e324/Barb092162

slowhansolo January 25, 2011 at 12:38 am

My anus is my center hole.

PsycWench January 25, 2011 at 8:28 am

Ah, summer evenings listening to Eddie Money singing about two chickens to paralyze.

horsedreamer_1 January 25, 2011 at 9:59 am

I'm sure the homeopaths here at the Wonkette editorial would mock me, but — Propecia.

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