HOUSE OF CARDS  5:27 pm January 24, 2011

‘Palestine Papers’ Leak Causes Chaos; Whole World Now Leaking Away

by Ken Layne

The weirdest concession was how Hamas Mouse had to blow Netanyahu every day instead of going to morning prayers.Will Al Jazeera be accused of “surprise sex” for its release of thousands of “Palestine Papers” detailing the dirty deals of the Middle East peace process? That’s the question some blogger somewhere is probably writing a long post about, right now, as the world’s governments groan and shudder like a weary whore under the weight of these endless document dumps. What have we learned about the Israel-Palestinian thirty-year back and forth over recognition and return and all that? Eh, everybody’s corrupt and each government does little more than sell out its own people, ha ha, what did you think?

The Guardian and every other news outlet reports:

The Palestinian Authority’s anger over the leak of confidential documents about the stricken Middle East peace process is likely to be matched by outrage among many Palestinians at the revelation that their negotiators privately agreed that a token number of refugees, just 10,000 — or 100,000, depending on your news source! — would be allowed to return to Israel.

There will also be anger that the chief PLO negotiator, Saeb Erekat, is recorded as referring to refugee rights as a “bargaining chip,” and that he privately ruled out putting any final agreement to a referendum that would include Palestinian refugees in Lebanon and Jordan.

Haha, sorry Lebanese and Jordanian refugees living for generations in those slum camps! Sorry a lot! Also, how do you imagine those lucky duck 10,000 refugees would be chosen for repatriation in the new Palestinian State? There probably wasn’t going to be any kind of grudge-taking or nepotism involved there, at all!

Here is a video about everybody going nuts everywhere:

Sources say Algeria and Egypt are next on the hit list — Whose hit list? Planet Earth’s hit list! — and that after the Tunisian and Palestinian governments have totally finished crumbling, Israel’s government will likely fall apart, followed by the aforementioned regimes in Algeria and Egypt, and then probably every other crooked leadership from Riyadh to Russia to Washington. (Ha ha, just kidding about Russia.) [Guardian/Atlantic]

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

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Crank_Tango January 24, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Well, what does Joe Liebeman think about all this?

Blendergoathead January 24, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Shit, that was the first thing I thought. He may have to renounce his "retirement" and run again.

gsparks January 24, 2011 at 5:51 pm

He is Deputy PM, after all…

Crank_Tango January 24, 2011 at 6:08 pm

I wonder if he had to do anything about the residency requirement, or if the placement of his head up the entire country's ass was good enough.

lulzmonger January 24, 2011 at 10:43 pm

Well, what does Joe Liebeman think about all this?


EdFlintstone January 24, 2011 at 5:34 pm

This is all supposed to go down by May 21st, right?

SudsMcKenzie January 24, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Are you saying this might make the region unstable?

Tommmcatt January 24, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Per Michelle Bachmann, the region will always be unstable because A) Liberals, and B) Jesus cursed a fig tree there.

These are simple historiographical facts.

SudsMcKenzie January 24, 2011 at 7:54 pm

well, she is an expert on unstable.

WABishop January 25, 2011 at 12:15 pm

This won't be your grandpappy's instability.

V572625694 January 24, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Wow, a post from Ken with any mention of strip malls, flat-screens and foreclosures. Must be Spring!

EdFlintstone January 24, 2011 at 5:38 pm

I'm hoping to get a flat screen from a foreclosed strip mall in the spring.

Radiotherapy January 24, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Speaking of which, did Wonkbot TSA-1138 just run out of battery power or fall in the toilet or something?

mumbly_joe January 24, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Also, nary a mention of anus burgers. Who is this mystery blogger, and what has he done with our editor?

Ken Layne January 24, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Well, we are talking about a completely different part of the world. If I thought the audience here would appreciate it, I would've thrown in a bunch of references to track suits, Mercedes, "antiquities" bazaars and the "turbo folk" (shitty electronica plus local wailing) blasting out of every cafe and hotel and taxi.

V572625694 January 24, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Plus the Lexus and the olive tree. There's a metaphor that's full of hot, flat and crowded evocative possibilities.

snoopyfan2010 January 24, 2011 at 6:37 pm

People in Brooklyn read Wonkette too.

4TheTurnstiles January 24, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Do people in Brooklyn read this guy?

Crank_Tango January 24, 2011 at 8:10 pm

wait, so all fundie-inhabited shithole deserts are not the same? The more you know!

mumbly_joe January 25, 2011 at 9:22 am

I see what you did there.

Negropolis January 25, 2011 at 12:53 am

Don't forget gold chains. Our Arabs here in Michigan are basically our Italian guidos.

mrblifil January 24, 2011 at 5:52 pm

I mauled a stripper once. She was pretty flat but her fore closure was TAYT!!1

wegot2dobetter January 25, 2011 at 8:25 am

or the Unemployeds.

PocketsTheClown January 24, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Visualize whirrled peas, thank you.

Jukesgrrl January 24, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Bristol Palin can see this from her porch … oops, my bad, that's another hopeless desert.

Blendergoathead January 24, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Holy fuck, NPR is giving five minutes (and counting) to the Israeli's PR flack.

Whoops, here comes the "palestinian" side… attacking the PA for the offered concessions.

Not that the Israelis completely dominated and won everything but a piece of land – and rejected it all.

Time for cocktails!

Banelm January 25, 2011 at 10:10 am

If this doesn't demonstrate that the Israelis aren't and have never negotiated in good faith, I don't know what will. But of course all the news organizations point out how this impacts the Palestinian gov.

MinAgain January 24, 2011 at 5:46 pm

"…and then the Middle East went 'boom!', and sheep and goats ruled the land for a millenium."

Crank_Tango January 24, 2011 at 8:17 pm

sheep go to heaven, goats go to hell.

Lascauxcaveman January 24, 2011 at 9:52 pm

It's the radioactive cockroaches that are the real beneficiaries.

WABishop January 25, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Goats go anywhere.

Rambone January 24, 2011 at 5:47 pm

What's that you say? Palestinians are getting fucked over by their own government?

How could a society which created notable billionaires such as Mrs. Suha Arafat be rife with this kind of corruption?

gsparks January 24, 2011 at 6:44 pm

So… you're saying the whole Palestinian society is corrupt?

I don't take exception to your example, it's just a weird statement.

elviouslyqueer January 24, 2011 at 5:50 pm

So, this is good news for Tzipi Livni, amirite?

bitchincamaro2 January 24, 2011 at 6:56 pm

C'mon. Don't make me look it up.

thedeathofirony January 24, 2011 at 8:46 pm

Hottie vegetarian, worth a lookup.

Negropolis January 25, 2011 at 12:57 am

Probably good news for Bibi, because no news every seems to be bad new so for Likud, which is now just basically the Israeli franchise of the American Republican Party.

mrblifil January 24, 2011 at 5:50 pm

This is like Ronald Reagan's greatest victories, dialed up to 11!

BarackMyWorld January 24, 2011 at 5:52 pm

I wonder what the Tea Partier down the street with the "Noboama" sign in his window and Israeli flag out front thinks about this.

Terry January 24, 2011 at 6:57 pm


donner_froh January 24, 2011 at 5:52 pm

There are world leaders who could take lessons from Mahmoud Abbas in treachery.

Pretend to negotiate with the sworn enemy of the citizens/subjects/vassals you are supposed to represent. One a simultaneous second track of secret meetings, give the enemy everything they want while demanding nothing in return. When that is turned down, ask politely what else you could give them.

Makes Obama's tax break for millionaires look pretty small time in comparison.

gsparks January 24, 2011 at 6:45 pm

Abbas may be mistaken in offering them everything, but it's pretty clear he did so because he knew they wouldn't take any less. Israel has no motivation to negotiate–it has everything it wants, and more.

Unfortunately for Abbas, they rejected it, and it was leaked–meaning he takes all the flak for making deep compromises without getting credit for a peace deal. Lose-lose.

Banelm January 25, 2011 at 10:15 am

And on the other side, the Israelis had almost everything they wanted, and chose decades of violence instead.

edgydrifter January 24, 2011 at 5:53 pm

These docs make the PA look weak and ineffectual, and make the Israelis look like disingenuous pricks. The world is stunned.

MissTaken January 24, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Israeli – Paletinian conflict, yeah whatevs….

Did you hear the REALLY important news that there is a restaurant on top of the super-tall Dubai skyscraper? No, not that Dubai skyscraper, the other one. Now we can get our anus-burgers with a side of altitude sickness, woo hoo!

Ken Layne January 24, 2011 at 6:05 pm

There's a much better Dubai story this week. That awful "Dubai World" development of mansions on little islands in the shape of a globe? Whole goddamned thing is sinking back into the sea and there's all of one mansion standing in the whole retarded development.

Moleman_v3 January 24, 2011 at 6:34 pm

Whoever bought the condo on the "Maldives" is gonna be pissed.

MissTaken January 24, 2011 at 6:38 pm

HAHA! Not dead, but in a coma. Its like a really cool Smiths song, but totally the opposite.

Capitalism…fuck yeah!

weejee January 24, 2011 at 6:42 pm

They shoulda talked to the Corpse of Engineers about fill sinking and channels silting. Dubai needs to take a double dose of CANDO and call them in the morning.

4TheTurnstiles January 24, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Mike Davis had this buttoned up back in 2006…

V572625694 January 24, 2011 at 6:59 pm

It's not nice to fuck Mother Nature in the ass without any lube. She takes what's hers.

Crank_Tango January 24, 2011 at 8:23 pm

talk about arrested development.

u lost me at "foundational sands" tho guys. isn't there anything more sturdy to make a foundation out of besides sand, in water? how about old AOL cds?

Lascauxcaveman January 24, 2011 at 10:05 pm

I've been advising people to invest in land that is between 100 – 150 ft above sea level, and not too far from the poles.

It'll be waterfront property soon enough.

SayItWithWookies January 24, 2011 at 5:56 pm

You know, ever since Netanyahu got elected PM the first time I thought his peace negotiating was completely insincere; as was Ariel Sharon's. I didn't realize I had given them too much credit for basic human decency, however.

chickensmack January 24, 2011 at 7:12 pm

I hadn't even considered his angle in this. Ariel the vegetable, well, he was a murderous bastard LONG before Netanyahu came to any kind of power, but now… well… I'd say that the living Binyamin negotiated with probably vastly outnumber those that Sharon murdered.

SudsMcKenzie January 24, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Any word on what was hidden in Yasser Arafats hat? cause you KNOW there was something in there.

gef05 January 24, 2011 at 6:10 pm

From The Guardian: "Condoleezza Rice, secretary of state under George Bush, suggested… Palestinian refugees could be resettled in South America. "Maybe we will be able to find countries that can contribute in kind," she said. "Chile, Argentina, etc.""

Humans treated like toxic waste by the Bush administration.


moralturpentine January 24, 2011 at 6:31 pm

I heard Condi's first idea was to resettle the Palestinians in the Florida Panhandle but even the Bush administration lawyers realized that such a plan would constitute an inexcusable crime against humantity.

snoopyfan2010 January 24, 2011 at 6:41 pm

You know who else wanted to resettle people?

imissopus January 24, 2011 at 6:49 pm


mereoblivion January 24, 2011 at 6:51 pm


fishskicanoe January 24, 2011 at 7:21 pm

And in the same places too. Although they didn't offer to put them in Madagascar. That would be too close.

mrblifil January 24, 2011 at 9:43 pm

The owners of the Brooklyn Dodgers?

ifthethunderdontgetya January 24, 2011 at 10:06 pm

My dad will always damn them. From the grave, if he has to.

Lascauxcaveman January 24, 2011 at 10:07 pm

Bloody, bloody Andrew Jackson?

mereoblivion January 24, 2011 at 6:53 pm

Reminds me of when Gadaffi offered to let the IRA settle in Libya–all they would have to do is convert to Islam!

Chet Kincaid January 24, 2011 at 7:30 pm

It's not like they'd hold onto to the memory of a homeland for decades, even centuries, or invent ethnic, nationalistic and/or religious reasons to possess said homeland and ethnically cleanse the people who've been squatting there in the interim. Because human beings never do that!

Condi, Work Wife FAIL.

donner_froh January 24, 2011 at 7:42 pm

And they particularly never do that in the Middle East.

WABishop January 25, 2011 at 12:22 pm

And that Dome of the Rock thing is a great tourist attraction that will richly benefit (after relocation) from the proximity of Santiago International Airport!

Chet Kincaid January 25, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Wouldn't it make more sense for Jerusalem and Mecca to be in Orlando, for the synergy?

Barbara_i January 24, 2011 at 6:16 pm

The picture shown of Mickey Mouse looks like he's had way too much botox. One more shot and he will look like Joan Rivers.

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 24, 2011 at 6:16 pm

I just hope this Al Jazeera guy didn't have bareback sex in Sweeden.

Cuz' then he's going to Al-JAIL!

Guppy06 January 24, 2011 at 6:18 pm

"(Ha ha, just kidding about Russia.) "

So much for ever getting on RT again.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 24, 2011 at 6:32 pm

I won't know what to think until Sarah's people post a tweet for her.

Fare la Volpe January 24, 2011 at 6:41 pm

The world is just full of leaking assholes.

bitchincamaro2 January 24, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Chairman Arafat is spinning faster than an Iranian centrifuge in overdrive, right now.

Seriously, as corrupt and smarmy as that little pistol-packing Palestinian pecker- wood was, he NEVER, NEVER, NEVER would have grovelled before his Zionist masters the way these new guys seem to have. This will not end well; in fact, it will not end, ever.

PresBeeblebrox January 24, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Obviously, this is GREAT NEWS for Herman Cain.

fuflans January 24, 2011 at 6:50 pm

i wonder if john roberts' secret special meeting with congressional baggers will be leaked too…

Steverino247 January 24, 2011 at 6:58 pm

Money is likely the root of this evil, too. Cut off both sides from any loans, cash or weapons deals until they have a real setlement and they'll have it done by lunch. Until that happens, do they really have a reason to settle? Hell no! The negotiators/leaders on both sides are getting paid too well to keep up the conflict to actually stop it. Meanwhile, the people "led" by these assholes suffer through bombings and rocket attacks, etc. Amazing how the world gets held hostage by a shit hole like Palestine/Israel. And they don't even have any oil!

bitchincamaro2 January 24, 2011 at 7:10 pm

And they don't even have any oil!

Baksheesh = oil.

Here, we call it "campaign contributions".

FlipOffResearch January 24, 2011 at 7:07 pm

Something sounds fishy about this. I have a hunch that this is a misinformation plant in an effort to move the goalposts.

twaingirl January 24, 2011 at 7:29 pm

Ok, but which one is Batman and which one is Robin? I need someone to break this down into a paradigm I can understand.

Crank_Tango January 24, 2011 at 8:29 pm

it's kinda like there's two dicks that you don't like very much and they are fighting. You don't really care, because they are both dicks, but they are fighting in the middle of your dining room, on the table, on thanksgiving. you wish they would just fuck off or something.

Come here a minute January 24, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Al Jazeera is an un-American traitor.

FlipOffResearch January 24, 2011 at 9:47 pm

Great point! Al Jazeera is un American. As a matter of fact they're Qatari. I think you meant anti-American. Trig.

transfatz January 25, 2011 at 3:07 am

Today, we are all Trig.

LionelHutzEsq January 24, 2011 at 7:44 pm

I'm not how, but I'm pretty sure that Glenn Beck will blame all of this on George Soros and Woodrow Wilson.

donner_froh January 24, 2011 at 7:51 pm

It is obvious that Al Jazeera is staffed by many of the same people who were part of the BBC Arabic service before it was shut down. and lots of them, like the correspondent in the tape above, will always have that plummy BBC accent.

4TheTurnstiles January 24, 2011 at 8:27 pm

this isn't going to end well, you know–

sati_demise January 24, 2011 at 9:20 pm

Oh those rascal wikileakers. Always makin' mischief. I love those little rascals.

Troubledog January 24, 2011 at 9:30 pm

Holy shit, you mean sometimes diplomats say one thing in private and a different thing in public?

mourningnmerica January 24, 2011 at 10:18 pm

Look at the bright side. You can now pick up that "I Heart Fatah" t-shirt you wanted for 75% off.

ttommyunger January 24, 2011 at 11:13 pm

OK, so now we can charge Al Jazeera with Treason and arrest it. Don't forget the Waterboarding. BTW, that newsreader for Dubai TV is so fucking HOT!

Negropolis January 25, 2011 at 1:02 am

Kind of hard to negotiate from a position of power when basics like power and light can be turned off with a flick of a switch, and you're unable to pay your civil servants because big brother won't give you an allowance, and when big brother tears down your apartment buildings, businesses, and hospitals, but won't allow in enough construction materials to rebuild them.

Big brother still hasn't seemed to learn that with great power comes great responsibility.

transfatz January 25, 2011 at 2:33 am

Sixty three years of being crushed under the boot. Driven out repeatedly, divided, betrayed, isolated and starved, it's a wonder that there is anyone left to resist. You can't create a monster like this and not have it spill over all the world.

transfatz January 25, 2011 at 2:16 am

Governments always lie but Wonkette still speaks truth to paupers.

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