house of cards

‘Palestine Papers’ Leak Causes Chaos; Whole World Now Leaking Away

The weirdest concession was how Hamas Mouse had to blow Netanyahu every day instead of going to morning prayers.Will Al Jazeera be accused of “surprise sex” for its release of thousands of “Palestine Papers” detailing the dirty deals of the Middle East peace process? That’s the question some blogger somewhere is probably writing a long post about, right now, as the world’s governments groan and shudder like a weary whore under the weight of these endless document dumps. What have we learned about the Israel-Palestinian thirty-year back and forth over recognition and return and all that? Eh, everybody’s corrupt and each government does little more than sell out its own people, ha ha, what did you think?

The Guardian and every other news outlet reports:

The Palestinian Authority’s anger over the leak of confidential documents about the stricken Middle East peace process is likely to be matched by outrage among many Palestinians at the revelation that their negotiators privately agreed that a token number of refugees, just 10,000 — or 100,000, depending on your news source! — would be allowed to return to Israel.

There will also be anger that the chief PLO negotiator, Saeb Erekat, is recorded as referring to refugee rights as a “bargaining chip,” and that he privately ruled out putting any final agreement to a referendum that would include Palestinian refugees in Lebanon and Jordan.

Haha, sorry Lebanese and Jordanian refugees living for generations in those slum camps! Sorry a lot! Also, how do you imagine those lucky duck 10,000 refugees would be chosen for repatriation in the new Palestinian State? There probably wasn’t going to be any kind of grudge-taking or nepotism involved there, at all!

Here is a video about everybody going nuts everywhere:

Sources say Algeria and Egypt are next on the hit list — Whose hit list? Planet Earth’s hit list! — and that after the Tunisian and Palestinian governments have totally finished crumbling, Israel’s government will likely fall apart, followed by the aforementioned regimes in Algeria and Egypt, and then probably every other crooked leadership from Riyadh to Russia to Washington. (Ha ha, just kidding about Russia.) [Guardian/Atlantic]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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    1. Blendergoathead

      Shit, that was the first thing I thought. He may have to renounce his "retirement" and run again.

      1. Crank_Tango

        I wonder if he had to do anything about the residency requirement, or if the placement of his head up the entire country's ass was good enough.

    1. Tommmcatt

      Per Michelle Bachmann, the region will always be unstable because A) Liberals, and B) Jesus cursed a fig tree there.

      These are simple historiographical facts.

  1. V572625694

    Wow, a post from Ken with any mention of strip malls, flat-screens and foreclosures. Must be Spring!

    1. Radiotherapy

      Speaking of which, did Wonkbot TSA-1138 just run out of battery power or fall in the toilet or something?

    2. mumbly_joe

      Also, nary a mention of anus burgers. Who is this mystery blogger, and what has he done with our editor?

    3. Ken Layne

      Well, we are talking about a completely different part of the world. If I thought the audience here would appreciate it, I would've thrown in a bunch of references to track suits, Mercedes, "antiquities" bazaars and the "turbo folk" (shitty electronica plus local wailing) blasting out of every cafe and hotel and taxi.

      1. V572625694

        Plus the Lexus and the olive tree. There's a metaphor that's full of hot, flat and crowded evocative possibilities.

  2. Blendergoathead

    Holy fuck, NPR is giving five minutes (and counting) to the Israeli's PR flack.

    Whoops, here comes the "palestinian" side… attacking the PA for the offered concessions.

    Not that the Israelis completely dominated and won everything but a piece of land – and rejected it all.

    Time for cocktails!

    1. Banelm

      If this doesn't demonstrate that the Israelis aren't and have never negotiated in good faith, I don't know what will. But of course all the news organizations point out how this impacts the Palestinian gov.

  3. Rambone

    What's that you say? Palestinians are getting fucked over by their own government?

    How could a society which created notable billionaires such as Mrs. Suha Arafat be rife with this kind of corruption?

    1. gsparks

      So… you're saying the whole Palestinian society is corrupt?

      I don't take exception to your example, it's just a weird statement.

    1. Negropolis

      Probably good news for Bibi, because no news every seems to be bad new so for Likud, which is now just basically the Israeli franchise of the American Republican Party.

  4. BarackMyWorld

    I wonder what the Tea Partier down the street with the "Noboama" sign in his window and Israeli flag out front thinks about this.

  5. donner_froh

    There are world leaders who could take lessons from Mahmoud Abbas in treachery.

    Pretend to negotiate with the sworn enemy of the citizens/subjects/vassals you are supposed to represent. One a simultaneous second track of secret meetings, give the enemy everything they want while demanding nothing in return. When that is turned down, ask politely what else you could give them.

    Makes Obama's tax break for millionaires look pretty small time in comparison.

    1. gsparks

      Abbas may be mistaken in offering them everything, but it's pretty clear he did so because he knew they wouldn't take any less. Israel has no motivation to negotiate–it has everything it wants, and more.

      Unfortunately for Abbas, they rejected it, and it was leaked–meaning he takes all the flak for making deep compromises without getting credit for a peace deal. Lose-lose.

      1. Banelm

        And on the other side, the Israelis had almost everything they wanted, and chose decades of violence instead.

  6. edgydrifter

    These docs make the PA look weak and ineffectual, and make the Israelis look like disingenuous pricks. The world is stunned.

  7. MissTaken

    Israeli – Paletinian conflict, yeah whatevs….

    Did you hear the REALLY important news that there is a restaurant on top of the super-tall Dubai skyscraper? No, not that Dubai skyscraper, the other one. Now we can get our anus-burgers with a side of altitude sickness, woo hoo!

      1. MissTaken

        HAHA! Not dead, but in a coma. Its like a really cool Smiths song, but totally the opposite.

        Capitalism…fuck yeah!

      2. weejee

        They shoulda talked to the Corpse of Engineers about fill sinking and channels silting. Dubai needs to take a double dose of CANDO and call them in the morning.

      3. Crank_Tango

        talk about arrested development.

        u lost me at "foundational sands" tho guys. isn't there anything more sturdy to make a foundation out of besides sand, in water? how about old AOL cds?

      4. Lascauxcaveman

        I've been advising people to invest in land that is between 100 – 150 ft above sea level, and not too far from the poles.

        It'll be waterfront property soon enough.

  8. SayItWithWookies

    You know, ever since Netanyahu got elected PM the first time I thought his peace negotiating was completely insincere; as was Ariel Sharon's. I didn't realize I had given them too much credit for basic human decency, however.

    1. chickensmack

      I hadn't even considered his angle in this. Ariel the vegetable, well, he was a murderous bastard LONG before Netanyahu came to any kind of power, but now… well… I'd say that the living Binyamin negotiated with probably vastly outnumber those that Sharon murdered.

  9. SudsMcKenzie

    Any word on what was hidden in Yasser Arafats hat? cause you KNOW there was something in there.

  10. gef05

    From The Guardian: "Condoleezza Rice, secretary of state under George Bush, suggested… Palestinian refugees could be resettled in South America. "Maybe we will be able to find countries that can contribute in kind," she said. "Chile, Argentina, etc.""

    Humans treated like toxic waste by the Bush administration.


    1. moralturpentine

      I heard Condi's first idea was to resettle the Palestinians in the Florida Panhandle but even the Bush administration lawyers realized that such a plan would constitute an inexcusable crime against humantity.

      1. fishskicanoe

        And in the same places too. Although they didn't offer to put them in Madagascar. That would be too close.

    2. mereoblivion

      Reminds me of when Gadaffi offered to let the IRA settle in Libya–all they would have to do is convert to Islam!

    3. Chet Kincaid

      It's not like they'd hold onto to the memory of a homeland for decades, even centuries, or invent ethnic, nationalistic and/or religious reasons to possess said homeland and ethnically cleanse the people who've been squatting there in the interim. Because human beings never do that!

      Condi, Work Wife FAIL.

      1. WABishop

        And that Dome of the Rock thing is a great tourist attraction that will richly benefit (after relocation) from the proximity of Santiago International Airport!

  11. Barbara_i

    The picture shown of Mickey Mouse looks like he's had way too much botox. One more shot and he will look like Joan Rivers.

  12. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    I just hope this Al Jazeera guy didn't have bareback sex in Sweeden.

    Cuz' then he's going to Al-JAIL!

  13. bitchincamaro2

    Chairman Arafat is spinning faster than an Iranian centrifuge in overdrive, right now.

    Seriously, as corrupt and smarmy as that little pistol-packing Palestinian pecker- wood was, he NEVER, NEVER, NEVER would have grovelled before his Zionist masters the way these new guys seem to have. This will not end well; in fact, it will not end, ever.

  14. Steverino247

    Money is likely the root of this evil, too. Cut off both sides from any loans, cash or weapons deals until they have a real setlement and they'll have it done by lunch. Until that happens, do they really have a reason to settle? Hell no! The negotiators/leaders on both sides are getting paid too well to keep up the conflict to actually stop it. Meanwhile, the people "led" by these assholes suffer through bombings and rocket attacks, etc. Amazing how the world gets held hostage by a shit hole like Palestine/Israel. And they don't even have any oil!

    1. bitchincamaro2

      And they don't even have any oil!

      Baksheesh = oil.

      Here, we call it "campaign contributions".

  15. FlipOffResearch

    Something sounds fishy about this. I have a hunch that this is a misinformation plant in an effort to move the goalposts.

  16. twaingirl

    Ok, but which one is Batman and which one is Robin? I need someone to break this down into a paradigm I can understand.

    1. Crank_Tango

      it's kinda like there's two dicks that you don't like very much and they are fighting. You don't really care, because they are both dicks, but they are fighting in the middle of your dining room, on the table, on thanksgiving. you wish they would just fuck off or something.

    1. FlipOffResearch

      Great point! Al Jazeera is un American. As a matter of fact they're Qatari. I think you meant anti-American. Trig.

  17. LionelHutzEsq

    I'm not how, but I'm pretty sure that Glenn Beck will blame all of this on George Soros and Woodrow Wilson.

  18. donner_froh

    It is obvious that Al Jazeera is staffed by many of the same people who were part of the BBC Arabic service before it was shut down. and lots of them, like the correspondent in the tape above, will always have that plummy BBC accent.

  19. Troubledog

    Holy shit, you mean sometimes diplomats say one thing in private and a different thing in public?

  20. mourningnmerica

    Look at the bright side. You can now pick up that "I Heart Fatah" t-shirt you wanted for 75% off.

  21. ttommyunger

    OK, so now we can charge Al Jazeera with Treason and arrest it. Don't forget the Waterboarding. BTW, that newsreader for Dubai TV is so fucking HOT!

  22. Negropolis

    Kind of hard to negotiate from a position of power when basics like power and light can be turned off with a flick of a switch, and you're unable to pay your civil servants because big brother won't give you an allowance, and when big brother tears down your apartment buildings, businesses, and hospitals, but won't allow in enough construction materials to rebuild them.

    Big brother still hasn't seemed to learn that with great power comes great responsibility.

    1. transfatz

      Sixty three years of being crushed under the boot. Driven out repeatedly, divided, betrayed, isolated and starved, it's a wonder that there is anyone left to resist. You can't create a monster like this and not have it spill over all the world.

Comments are closed.