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Supreme Court Just an Institutionalized Zinger Contest

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Other ways in which Scalia is exactly like that irritating uncle of yours:

Chief Justice Roberts has a light, witty touch, while the laughter that follows a long hypothetical question from Justice Breyer can feel like an expression of relief. Justice Scalia, by contrast, will repeat jokes mercilessly, raising questions about whether he has artificially increased his laugh count.

Meanwhile, on the season premiere of Portlandia (great show!):

“Are you then saying that these people have to be grandfathered?” she asked. She corrected herself, now using gender-neutral language: “Or grandparented?”

There was laughter, but it was not clear whether Justice Ginsburg had meant her clarification as a joke.

And sometimes they decide whether people live or die, because of technology they don’t understand. A constant human-interest story, these folks. Exactly like that morning coffee club of old folks at the carpet store on Main Street, except with complete, unchecked power for a lifetime. [NYT]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • V572625694

    Porlandia: meh.

    • SmutBoffin

      How can they keep it going for more than three or so episodes? There's not that much to make fun of.

      • Kidneys4Sale

        Speaking as one who came of age in the 90's, is stuck there, and has seriously considered moving to Portland, I must disagree. I've been mocking myself for well over a decade and have yet to run short of material.

      • hagajim

        I don't know…living in Portlandia and it seems like there is still a lot they could find….but it's only 6 episodes now anyway

    • edgydrifter

      On one hand, we're kind of flattered someone would make a show "about" us. On the other hand, we're kind of worried it will make people want to come here.

      Politely telling the world to fuck off and leave us alone: the eternal Oregonian struggle.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Minnesota, also.

        • elviouslyqueer

          Mississippi as well. Oh, wait.

          • Barbara_i

            I like the way you pronounce it. I'm going to try harder not to pronounce it "Miss-a-sloppy"

      • SmutBoffin

        Maybe refer them to Seattle or something? That town never really made it out of the 90s, either.

      • bumfug

        Maybe if you could get all the networks to show "Drugstore Cowboy" and that movie where Madonna fucks guys to death every alternate week it would cool the desire to move to Portland.

        • Crank_Tango

          swept away? or that was just one Guy she fucked to death…

          • bumfug

            I don't know how many guys she fucked to death, I never watched that turkey. I just remember when they made it while I was living there.

      • V572625694

        No worries – until the lumber industry comes back, or they stop making sneakers in China, there won’t be any jobs to attract people.

      • PocketsTheClown

        Its a show about nothing. And the weird beers at Ottos, probably.

    • jim89048

      Doesn't translate well to old, I won't make a habit of watching it.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    You can't consider yourself a great comic until you have played the Supreme Court. Just ask George Carlin, Ted Olsen or Alan Dershowitz.

  • x111e7thst

    I ply my annoying uncle with port and he passes out and leaves me alone. Would that the same could be said of Scalia.

  • horsedreamer_1


    • SmutBoffin

      Plus wun for you…BUT JUST THIS ONCE.

  • smokefilledroommate

    Surely the other justices have grown weary of Scalia's pull-my-finger routine by now.

  • SexySmurf

    You know what always gets a laugh? Putting a pubic hair on Thomas' coke.

    • mereoblivion

      So when he snorts it he gets one in his nose and thinks it's a nose hair but then he realizes it's really something else entirely and then everyone laughs in embarrassed horror that the token darkie is a imbecile?

  • ttommyunger

    My Uncles were men, not lardass pussyfarts with a superiority complex and a fear of brown/gay people.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I feel sorry for the poor bastards who have to be in a room where Antonin Scalia is regularly the funniest person there. I guess if Jay Leno ever retires, we'll know who's on deck to replace him.

  • SorosBot

    If Scalia needs to artificially increase his laugh count, he should it the old-fashioned way and just get himself a laugh track. Perhaps they can set it to "Whooo!" whenever Sotomayor walks in the room too.

  • BornInATrailer

    It's that "Gotcha!" judiciary Palin warned us about.

  • PublicLuxury

    Todd Palin and Justice Thomas use the same hooker.

  • HolyMaracas

    Come on, Antonin…tell us the one about women and gays having no Constitutional rights.

  • Beanball

    Scalia is just trying to live up to his name. 'Antonin' means 'punster' in Latin.

  • SexySmurf

    This explains why Scalia ends all his opinions with "and the father says 'the Aristocrats.' "

    • Extemporanus

      "The Juristocrats!"

  • widestanceroman

    It must suck to draw the short straw and have to thumb-up Scalia, knowing it could increase his p-ness.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    thanks folks, i'll be here all life

  • hagajim

    You guys should have seen when Brennan put on black-face…cracked old Thurgood right up!

  • MinAgain

    It is fortunate that the Supreme Court doesn't have much of a greenspace, or the justices would probably yell at the citizenry to get off the lawn.

  • Tommmcatt

    Exactly like that morning coffee club of old folks at the carpet store on Main Street, except with complete, unchecked power for a lifetime.

    You'd think that the United States would have more mandatory screenings of "Monk" and more public observance of Tommy Smothers' birthday…

  • prommie

    I always want to barf when judges make jokes from the bench, and the lawyers fake "ho ho ho, thats a good one, judge," like so many Ed McMahons, while someone's life hangs in the balance. Fuckers.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I wonder if they know any lawyer jokes.

    • PuckStopsHere

      I do.

  • DoktorZoom

    In keeping with The New Civility, I have to applaud all the Supremes for voting unanimously to expand protection for people who file claims for discrimination. Specifically, they held that companies cannot retaliate against family members of employees who have filed suit for discrimination. As I said to my car radio when I heard the story on NPR, hey, Scalia, ya done good (for a change). I still don't like him or the other "originalist" goofballs, but it's nice to see that they're not always contrarian troglodytes.

    OK, now I can get back to my usual attitude of unbridled liberal hatred for all that is decent and good.

  • chascates

    Plus no one wants to use the Justices' bathroom after Scalia.

  • transfatz

    If SCOTUS is really Wonkette maybe we could get "The worst person in the world", that great combo of Stalin, Mussolini, and Hitler, our own fighting Ken Layne, to banhammer Scalia, Roberts and Thomas. But please don't disrobe them, I don't want to know.

  • tribbzthesquidz

    To get to the other side. Huh? Huh? To get to the other side. Haha. To get to the other side. To get to the other side.

  • Pragmatist2

    So, an Originalist, a Pragmatist and a Cosmopolitanist walk into a bar and each order a drink.
    "Are you old enough to drink," asks the bartender.
    "Yes," says the Originalist. "The states had no minimum drinking ages at the time of the adoption of the Constitution."
    "Yes," says the Pragmatist. "I have led a fully responsible life and data shows that 98% of people my age drink responsibly. Plus, it is good for the economy"
    "Yes," says the Cosmopolitanist. "everyone in Europe drinks by the time they are 14."
    Then they spent the next two hours arguing who was right.

  • Sophist [APPLAUSE]

    Today we are all Justice Scalia.

  • ttommyunger

    Right on. I can't think about Wonkette without thinking about Scalia, NOT!

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    i had sex with Clarence Thomas' wife.

  • SexySmurf

    You know who else repeated jokes mercilessly, raising questions about whether he has artificially increased his laugh count?

  • SorosBot

    He sounds like an SNL recurring character to me. Kristen Wiig as Scalia?

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Sarah Palin page view gold!

  • user-of-owls

    So evidently Scalia endlessly repeats, "This is good news for John McCain." Because THAT'S funny, man.

  • transfatz

    "Sounds like Wonkette."

    But without Wonkette's good judgment.

  • SwanSwanH


  • BaldarTFlagass

    Where's the apology, then?

  • hagajim

    I left a pube on Clarence Thomas' can

  • SorosBot

    Pauley Shore?

  • mereoblivion


  • elviouslyqueer

    Conan? Oh, sorry, you said "laugh count."

  • SayItWithWookies

    Ray Romano?

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe


  • GOPCrusher

    Carlos Mencia?

  • SayItWithWookies

    I'm sorry Gratuitous World had sex with Clarence Thomas' wife. Happy now?

  • LionelHutzEsq

    I'm sorry no one has posted the video tape.

    That would make me happy.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Pauley Shore told a joke?

  • DoktorZoom

    I left a Coke can on Clarence Thomas's pubes.