Rahm Emanuel Kicked Off Chicago Ballot By F*cking Appellate Court

  effing eff

Haha, you're from D.C.Though he is currently leading landslidingly in the polls, Rahm Emanuel is no longer eligible to run for mayor of Chicago, because an appellate court ruled 2-1 that he did not meet residency requirements because he did not, you know, reside there. This will be appealed to the Illinois Supreme Court, of course, which hopefully has enough Daleys or whatever on it for Rahm to get this decision overturned. Otherwise, what’s Rahm to do? It’s not like there’s a big, high-profile administration anywhere that likes to keep a full stock of Chicago Democratic personalities.

“It’s a surprise,” said Kevin Forde, the attorney who argued on Emanuel’s behalf.

Rahm released the following statement:

Fuck you, fuckers. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck… Fucking fuckity fuck fuck. Mother fuck. For the people of Chicago.

Also, on his way out, he probably set all the computers in the court building to blast deafening gay porn. Now he will force the state to let him on the ballot with the hard-nosed tactic of threatening to disrupt Chicago’s processed meat supply. And he will carry on a Super-Soaker loaded with some kind of death poison.

But for now, the field is cleared for an Ozzie Guillen candidacy. [Chicago Sun-Times]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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99 comments

    1. WhatTheHolyHeck

      This honestly makes no sense to me. He left the state temporarily to work in the MOTHERFUCKING WHITE HOUSE.

      Striking him off the ballot means we now have to retroactively remove Alan Keyes from the 2004 senate race, and that's just sad. It was the funniest thing to happen in Illinois until Blagojevich.

    1. V572625694

      There you go again! Some people thought these folks could write:

      Jane Addams
      Mortimer Adler
      Nelson Algren
      Saul Bellow
      Ray Bradbury
      Gwendolyn Brooks
      Raymond Chandler
      Michael Crichton
      James Gould Cozzens
      Clarence Darrow
      Philip K. Dick
      Finley Peter Dunne
      Roger Ebert
      Dave Eggers
      James T. Farrell
      Edna Ferber
      Milton Friedman
      Larry Gelbart
      Edward Gorey
      Lorraine Hansberry
      Ernest Hemingway
      Sara Paretsky
      John Dos Passo
      Mike Royko
      Carl Sandburg
      Dan Savage
      Shel Silverstein
      Studs Terkel
      Thorstein Veblen

      Not funny, admittedly. It would've been funny, perhaps, if I'd left in all the "dental educators" that whoever compiled that list thought belonged in the group with John Dos Passos and Ernest Hemingway.

      1. natoslug

        So looking over that list, I understand that what you're saying is that Chicago accepts votes from both the living and the dead. How egalitarian.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Yeah, he got us the infamous drug compromise, and probably nixed the public option, too. Fuck him.

    2. Negropolis

      Fuck Rahm, and the prima ballerina he rode in on.

      Actually, I don't have much an opinion on Rahm either way outside of my general dislike for him. I don't hate him, but the bastard should have to work for once in his political life for something he wants for himself instead of thinking he can bully and powerpull his way to every success.

  1. Jukesgrrl

    First Cutler jersey burnings, now this. Chicagoans certainly do take it personally when someone doesn't finish the job they started.

  2. mourningnmerica

    Hey Rahm, your ex boss Barack currently works for Goldman Sachs. Have him give them a call. Your problem will be over. Goldman runs everything. But I guess you know that as well as anyone.

  3. ttommyunger

    Is there a less sympathetic figure on our National Political Scene? I fucking doubt it. I think we would all be better off if he went back to a job where he could continue to cut his fingers off.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I was always curious how, of the various Clinton hands from the '92 campaign, Rahm for so long avoided being understood as the milquetoast he is. That bird long ago flew on Stephanopoulos, Dee Dee Myers, Carville… But somehow, Rahm sailed on.

    2. elviouslyqueer

      Is there a less sympathetic figure on our National Political Scene? I fucking doubt it.

      I dunno. Rahm's got lots of competition from Blago, let alone Joementum, Kent (who?) Conrad, and of course Snowbilly Supreme.

    3. fuflans

      hmmm, with just a casual glance at today's wonkette, i would say rahm's got a lot of competition in that category (huckabee, macaca, olbermann, will, lieberman, baggers, canada).

      but maybe that's just me.

      1. ttommyunger

        I just said sympathetic, not dickish, foolish, dumb, oafish corrupt. You are widening the field, we could go on all day…and, why not? :)

  4. SorosBot

    Keith Olberman fired or quit, Regis and Kevin Smith both announce their retirements, and now Rahm may be out of politics for at least quite some time; this has been a weekend of many unexpected career endings.

    1. Negropolis

      He'll probably get back on when the state supreme court decrees as such, but I always thought the silliness about him going to serve the president as if he was sent off to woar was not only ridiculous, but kind of offensive to people who, you know, have actually been sent off to fucking war.

  5. horsedreamer_1

    Rahm Emmanuel has vowed to unleash a plague of Asian Carp on the Chicago River if this decision is not overturned.

    Oh… Wait….

  6. LesBontemps

    2-1 decision? Well, there will be at least one Appellate Division judge that lives to see another day.

    1. JadedDissonance

      Pretty scathing dissenting opinion too: "The majority’s decision disenfranchises not just this particular candidate, but every voter in Chicago who would consider voting for him." Also: "This is pure flight of fancy."

      1. DustBowlBlues

        If I were planning on running as a Democrat, I'd stand up for Rahm's right to run. [applause for alliteration] Methinks there might be some hard feelings on the part of those people who wanted to vote for him, and might revenge-vote for the Republithug, thereby revenge-fucking the city of Chicago. (PS to Windy City: Try living in the Dust Bowl during quaintly-named tornado season).

  7. baconzgood

    I don't understand. With the inter-world web, fax thingies, cell phones and I-pods does one really need to "LIVE" in the city of your constituency? The only people who lack these items are the poor and as you know they arn't REAL people.

  8. LesBontemps

    Opponents have argued Emanuel is not a resident of Chicago because he rented out his North Side home while serving as chief of staff to Obama. The renter — Rob Halpin — refused to allow Emanuel to move back in after Mayor Daley’s announcement last year that he would not seek re-election. Halpin briefly ran for mayor himself.

    This is the premise for either an NBC sitcom or a TLC reality show.

  9. JoshuaNorton

    Poor Rahm. No doubt he's run through his standard litany of cuss words and is now inventing a bunch of new ones.

  10. mereoblivion

    "threatening to disrupt Chicago’s processed meat supply." Didn't he already disrupt it, with his finger? And why do our courts hate ballet-trained triathletes whose middle name is Israel?

  11. freakishlywrong

    The retards in Rahm's electorate can think only of his shower scene with Eric Massa where he was referred to as "son of the devils spawn". What ever the fuck that meant, it was epic.

    1. Extemporanus

      Though unlike Massa, Rahm will never throw in the towel, because he doesn't even fucking have one.

  12. Blendergoathead

    Ha. Daley took his job, then fucked him in the pooper for good measure.

    Chicago politics at its finest.

  13. mereoblivion

    Establish residency, Rahm, establish residency!
    Lacks a certain punch.
    Emanual Can't? In freshman philosophy we grappled mightily with his Prologomena To Any Future Metaphuckingover.

  14. MozakiBlocks

    According to my friends in the Windy City, you have an alderman who appoints judges, has a wife on the Supreme Court, backs another candidate who has been the recipient of millions of dollars in contracts from the city, and who is scared to death of a Mayor Rahm usurping his power to thank for this decision.

    Chicago politics ain't beanbag, that's for damn sure.

  15. mourningnmerica

    Hey Rahm, your ex boss Barack currently works for Goldman Sachs. Have him give them a call. Your problem will be over. Goldman runs everything. But I guess you know that as well as anyone.

  16. sarjo

    Clever, clever Rahm: This "unexpected" development will "force" him to run as a third party presidential candidate in 2012.

  17. ttommyunger

    Flufans, “You're young, you've got your health, what in the world do you want with a job?”

  18. Limeylizzie

    Hey Chet Kincaid
    I loved Litte Ritchie Daley as the Mayor of your fine town, do you remember when everyone was dying in that heatwave in the late 90s, I was stil living there, and he came out and said "I am not the Sun God" ?

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Ha! I remember the heatwave well, but missed that quote. I remember going out with my Unrequited Love to a cafe for the AC, then trying to sleep naked on a bed without sheets or blankets and all windows open, and still sweating miserably.

      You just made me think that it was probably the failure to get the Olympics that made Richie say to himself, "do I need any more of this shit?" That, and the impending/ongoing budgetary FAIL.

  19. Wx_Insider

    HA HA HA HA HA HA HA..!!! Shit, this is golden…!!! Can we get him tossed out of the U.S. too???

  20. AtlanticCapers

    He can still run for mayor of Israel. Their residency requirements are pretty laxed, I hear.

  21. WhatTheHolyHeck

    The standard applied to the majority opinion hurts my head.

    Maybe that was the plan: Oberweis or another GOPsomebody with moolah bribes the appellate court to keep Rahm out, to clear the way for his glorious Republican dairy victory. Or Hastert. His brother's Republican chicken must still be very profitable. Either way, we'll have oligarchy *and* tasty snacks throughout all of Illinois!

    1. SorosBot

      There's no way a Republican is getting elected Mayor of Chicago; but there certainly could be a bribe to keep Rahm out and clear the way for a different Democrat.

  22. hagajim

    Rahmbo is certainly going to be kicking someone's ass for this. May I suggest he start with the Packers?

  23. lochnessmonster

    Ozzie would definitely win the South Side vote…but seriously, the ppl of Chicago better hope Rahm can run b/c the rest of the field…YIKES!

  24. Barbara_i

    I didn't read about this in the news. I heard a rumble outside earlier. The answer my friend, was swearing in the wind.

  25. Negropolis

    BTW, has anyone else ever been annoyed that a candidate for a House seat doesn't actually have to live in the district that they are running to be a congressman from? Really, WTF?

Comments are closed.