Haha, you're from D.C.Though he is currently leading landslidingly in the polls, Rahm Emanuel is no longer eligible to run for mayor of Chicago, because an appellate court ruled 2-1 that he did not meet residency requirements because he did not, you know, reside there. This will be appealed to the Illinois Supreme Court, of course, which hopefully has enough Daleys or whatever on it for Rahm to get this decision overturned. Otherwise, what’s Rahm to do? It’s not like there’s a big, high-profile administration anywhere that likes to keep a full stock of Chicago Democratic personalities.

“It’s a surprise,” said Kevin Forde, the attorney who argued on Emanuel’s behalf.

Rahm released the following statement:

Fuck you, fuckers. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck… Fucking fuckity fuck fuck. Mother fuck. For the people of Chicago.

Also, on his way out, he probably set all the computers in the court building to blast deafening gay porn. Now he will force the state to let him on the ballot with the hard-nosed tactic of threatening to disrupt Chicago’s processed meat supply. And he will carry on a Super-Soaker loaded with some kind of death poison.

But for now, the field is cleared for an Ozzie Guillen candidacy. [Chicago Sun-Times]

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  • Weenus299

    For each judge who votes against him, Rahm cuts off a finger …

  • JadedDissonance

    This is good news for the fishermen and postal workers of Chicago!

    • DustBowlBlues


      • JadedDissonance

        At least they will have steady business now.

    • Extemporanus

      And for the hog butchers, tool makers, and stackers of wheat, too!

  • smokefilledroommate

    Somebody's gonna pay, 'cause this is fucking retarded.

    • WhatTheHolyHeck

      This honestly makes no sense to me. He left the state temporarily to work in the MOTHERFUCKING WHITE HOUSE.

      Striking him off the ballot means we now have to retroactively remove Alan Keyes from the 2004 senate race, and that's just sad. It was the funniest thing to happen in Illinois until Blagojevich.

  • nounverb911

    He can always go the write in route. Can people in Chicago write?

  • Tommmcatt

    I'm supposed to care about this, right?

    Fuck Rahm Emmanuel.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Yeah, he got us the infamous drug compromise, and probably nixed the public option, too. Fuck him.

    • Negropolis

      Fuck Rahm, and the prima ballerina he rode in on.

      Actually, I don't have much an opinion on Rahm either way outside of my general dislike for him. I don't hate him, but the bastard should have to work for once in his political life for something he wants for himself instead of thinking he can bully and powerpull his way to every success.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    A strong Tourette's vocabulary is a terrible thing to waste.

  • …and carol mosely braun creamed…

    it was disgusting.

    • JadedDissonance


    • DustBowlBlues

      I'm with JadedDis on this one.

  • Weenus299

    Is JJ Evans/Jimmie Walker available? Or is he still teabagging or whatever it is he's doing?

    • elviouslyqueer

      That would be "Coultering." And ew.

  • Jukesgrrl

    First Cutler jersey burnings, now this. Chicagoans certainly do take it personally when someone doesn't finish the job they started.

    • crybabyboehner

      Two words: Mayor Ditka.

      • JadedDissonance

        I think we all know that Chicago will never have any ruler but Oprah.

  • metamarcisf

    Unfair! This decision should be appealed immediately to the Supreme Court of Comedy.

  • mourningnmerica

    Hey Rahm, your ex boss Barack currently works for Goldman Sachs. Have him give them a call. Your problem will be over. Goldman runs everything. But I guess you know that as well as anyone.

  • ttommyunger

    Is there a less sympathetic figure on our National Political Scene? I fucking doubt it. I think we would all be better off if he went back to a job where he could continue to cut his fingers off.

    • horsedreamer_1

      I was always curious how, of the various Clinton hands from the '92 campaign, Rahm for so long avoided being understood as the milquetoast he is. That bird long ago flew on Stephanopoulos, Dee Dee Myers, Carville… But somehow, Rahm sailed on.

      • ttommyunger

        Low public exposure, hides a multitude of sins.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Is there a less sympathetic figure on our National Political Scene? I fucking doubt it.

      I dunno. Rahm's got lots of competition from Blago, let alone Joementum, Kent (who?) Conrad, and of course Snowbilly Supreme.

      • Radiotherapy


      • DustBowlBlues

        Kent Lazy Coward Conrad, you mean.

      • ttommyunger

        And the list goes on…..

    • fuflans

      hmmm, with just a casual glance at today's wonkette, i would say rahm's got a lot of competition in that category (huckabee, macaca, olbermann, will, lieberman, baggers, canada).

      but maybe that's just me.

      • ttommyunger

        I just said sympathetic, not dickish, foolish, dumb, oafish corrupt. You are widening the field, we could go on all day…and, why not? :)

  • SorosBot

    Keith Olberman fired or quit, Regis and Kevin Smith both announce their retirements, and now Rahm may be out of politics for at least quite some time; this has been a weekend of many unexpected career endings.

    • metamarcisf

      You forgot Jay Cutler.

  • Isn't it all cute and charming nowadays when we're reminded how we used to be a nation of laws? Kinda gets ya right here.

    • emmelemm

      Props. I enjoyed this comment.

      Sometimes it sucks being a nation of laws, but we are.

    • Negropolis

      He'll probably get back on when the state supreme court decrees as such, but I always thought the silliness about him going to serve the president as if he was sent off to woar was not only ridiculous, but kind of offensive to people who, you know, have actually been sent off to fucking war.

  • There are peeps in Chicago that you don't want to piss off – looks like Rahm has found them.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Rahm Emmanuel has vowed to unleash a plague of Asian Carp on the Chicago River if this decision is not overturned.

    Oh… Wait….

  • LesBontemps

    2-1 decision? Well, there will be at least one Appellate Division judge that lives to see another day.

    • JadedDissonance

      Pretty scathing dissenting opinion too: "The majority’s decision disenfranchises not just this particular candidate, but every voter in Chicago who would consider voting for him." Also: "This is pure flight of fancy."

      • JadedDissonance

        Flights of Fancy was the name of a toy-store for grownups in the town I grew up in.

      • DustBowlBlues

        If I were planning on running as a Democrat, I'd stand up for Rahm's right to run. [applause for alliteration] Methinks there might be some hard feelings on the part of those people who wanted to vote for him, and might revenge-vote for the Republithug, thereby revenge-fucking the city of Chicago. (PS to Windy City: Try living in the Dust Bowl during quaintly-named tornado season).

  • MistaEko

    I dare say, the Appellate Court sure Sam Shields'd that Chicago run.

  • Moleman_v3

    Forget it Rahm, it's Chi-town!

  • chascates

    Rod Blagojevich–Chicago's next Mayor!!!!

  • baconzgood

    I don't understand. With the inter-world web, fax thingies, cell phones and I-pods does one really need to "LIVE" in the city of your constituency? The only people who lack these items are the poor and as you know they arn't REAL people.

  • LesBontemps

    Opponents have argued Emanuel is not a resident of Chicago because he rented out his North Side home while serving as chief of staff to Obama. The renter — Rob Halpin — refused to allow Emanuel to move back in after Mayor Daley’s announcement last year that he would not seek re-election. Halpin briefly ran for mayor himself.

    This is the premise for either an NBC sitcom or a TLC reality show.

  • Sassomatic

    Fuck the fucking Bears, too, motherfuckers.

  • edgydrifter

    Can Rahm complete a forward pass? Despondent Chicago ledge-clingers need to know ASAP.

  • MinAgain

    Don't be sad, Rahm. There's always American Idol.

  • GOPCrusher

    Speaking of Jay Cutler, I'll bet this AM, Steve Bartman is his biggest fan.

    • nounverb911

      Bartman is going to be the Bears QB next year.

  • JoshuaNorton

    Poor Rahm. No doubt he's run through his standard litany of cuss words and is now inventing a bunch of new ones.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Which Chicago is this, where ineligibility is a hindrance to public office?

  • mereoblivion

    "threatening to disrupt Chicago’s processed meat supply." Didn't he already disrupt it, with his finger? And why do our courts hate ballet-trained triathletes whose middle name is Israel?

  • freakishlywrong

    The retards in Rahm's electorate can think only of his shower scene with Eric Massa where he was referred to as "son of the devils spawn". What ever the fuck that meant, it was epic.

    • Extemporanus

      Though unlike Massa, Rahm will never throw in the towel, because he doesn't even fucking have one.

  • user-of-owls

    That's not digital transcendence!

  • Extemporanus
  • WriteyWriterton

    Appellate Court's opinion is at

    An interesting read, if I might be allowed a moment of understatement.

    • WhatTheHolyHeck

      Wow, that dissent was fucking BLISTERING.

  • facehead

    Obama didn't tell him how to fake his place of birth?

  • Gopherit

    fucking retards, all of them.

  • Blendergoathead

    Ha. Daley took his job, then fucked him in the pooper for good measure.

    Chicago politics at its finest.

  • mereoblivion

    Establish residency, Rahm, establish residency!
    Lacks a certain punch.
    Emanual Can't? In freshman philosophy we grappled mightily with his Prologomena To Any Future Metaphuckingover.

  • Radiotherapy

    At least now, Rahm has a crisis he can take opportunity of.

  • MozakiBlocks

    According to my friends in the Windy City, you have an alderman who appoints judges, has a wife on the Supreme Court, backs another candidate who has been the recipient of millions of dollars in contracts from the city, and who is scared to death of a Mayor Rahm usurping his power to thank for this decision.

    Chicago politics ain't beanbag, that's for damn sure.

  • jim89048

    Needs to show his long-form birth certificate, obvs.

  • Now wondering if the whole thing was an enormous fake-out to get him out of the White House without his creating a scene.

  • mourningnmerica

    Hey Rahm, your ex boss Barack currently works for Goldman Sachs. Have him give them a call. Your problem will be over. Goldman runs everything. But I guess you know that as well as anyone.

  • sarjo

    Clever, clever Rahm: This "unexpected" development will "force" him to run as a third party presidential candidate in 2012.

  • GOPCrusher

    So I guess I can stop waiting for Clerks III: Electric Boogaloo to come out?

  • fuflans

    to be fair, i would rather see him on DWTS than anything that crawled out of alaska.

  • SorosBot

    Yep, that Kevin Smith; although it sounds like more his petulant anger over getting bad reviews.

  • ttommyunger

    Flufans, “You're young, you've got your health, what in the world do you want with a job?”

    • Son, you got a panty on your head.

      • ttommyunger

        O.K. then!

  • chickensmack

    Rahm, you know it's easier to get a job when you have a job. Bonehead…

  • Limeylizzie

    Hey Chet Kincaid
    I loved Litte Ritchie Daley as the Mayor of your fine town, do you remember when everyone was dying in that heatwave in the late 90s, I was stil living there, and he came out and said "I am not the Sun God" ?

    • Ha! I remember the heatwave well, but missed that quote. I remember going out with my Unrequited Love to a cafe for the AC, then trying to sleep naked on a bed without sheets or blankets and all windows open, and still sweating miserably.

      You just made me think that it was probably the failure to get the Olympics that made Richie say to himself, "do I need any more of this shit?" That, and the impending/ongoing budgetary FAIL.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Oh he is so hot. Can he move to Alaska and warm up our Party?

  • Wx_Insider

    HA HA HA HA HA HA HA..!!! Shit, this is golden…!!! Can we get him tossed out of the U.S. too???

  • AtlanticCapers

    He can still run for mayor of Israel. Their residency requirements are pretty laxed, I hear.

  • WhatTheHolyHeck

    The standard applied to the majority opinion hurts my head.

    Maybe that was the plan: Oberweis or another GOPsomebody with moolah bribes the appellate court to keep Rahm out, to clear the way for his glorious Republican dairy victory. Or Hastert. His brother's Republican chicken must still be very profitable. Either way, we'll have oligarchy *and* tasty snacks throughout all of Illinois!

    • SorosBot

      There's no way a Republican is getting elected Mayor of Chicago; but there certainly could be a bribe to keep Rahm out and clear the way for a different Democrat.

  • hagajim

    Rahmbo is certainly going to be kicking someone's ass for this. May I suggest he start with the Packers?

  • lochnessmonster

    Ozzie would definitely win the South Side vote…but seriously, the ppl of Chicago better hope Rahm can run b/c the rest of the field…YIKES!

  • undeterredbyreality

    "I am not a (self-deluded, narcissistic, megalomaniac) bitch!"

  • BarackMyWorld

    I have a terrible case of not giving a shit.

  • LibrulEleet

    Chicago residency is a fucking valuable thing. They don't just give it away for free.

  • lulzmonger

    ………. & nothing of value was lost.

  • Barbara_i

    I didn't read about this in the news. I heard a rumble outside earlier. The answer my friend, was swearing in the wind.

  • Negropolis

    BTW, has anyone else ever been annoyed that a candidate for a House seat doesn't actually have to live in the district that they are running to be a congressman from? Really, WTF?

  • ShaveTheWhales

    I had to read that twice. Very nice.

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