EFFING EFF  1:42 pm January 24, 2011

Rahm Emanuel Kicked Off Chicago Ballot By F*cking Appellate Court

by Jack Stuef

Haha, you're from D.C.Though he is currently leading landslidingly in the polls, Rahm Emanuel is no longer eligible to run for mayor of Chicago, because an appellate court ruled 2-1 that he did not meet residency requirements because he did not, you know, reside there. This will be appealed to the Illinois Supreme Court, of course, which hopefully has enough Daleys or whatever on it for Rahm to get this decision overturned. Otherwise, what’s Rahm to do? It’s not like there’s a big, high-profile administration anywhere that likes to keep a full stock of Chicago Democratic personalities.

“It’s a surprise,” said Kevin Forde, the attorney who argued on Emanuel’s behalf.

Rahm released the following statement:

Fuck you, fuckers. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck… Fucking fuckity fuck fuck. Mother fuck. For the people of Chicago.

Also, on his way out, he probably set all the computers in the court building to blast deafening gay porn. Now he will force the state to let him on the ballot with the hard-nosed tactic of threatening to disrupt Chicago’s processed meat supply. And he will carry on a Super-Soaker loaded with some kind of death poison.

But for now, the field is cleared for an Ozzie Guillen candidacy. [Chicago Sun-Times]

 
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{ 99 comments }

Weenus299 January 24, 2011 at 1:44 pm

For each judge who votes against him, Rahm cuts off a finger …

JadedDissonance January 24, 2011 at 1:45 pm

This is good news for the fishermen and postal workers of Chicago!

DustBowlBlues January 24, 2011 at 2:05 pm

?

JadedDissonance January 24, 2011 at 2:11 pm

At least they will have steady business now.

Extemporanus January 24, 2011 at 2:16 pm

And for the hog butchers, tool makers, and stackers of wheat, too!

smokefilledroommate January 24, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Somebody's gonna pay, 'cause this is fucking retarded.

WhatTheHolyHeck January 24, 2011 at 2:53 pm

This honestly makes no sense to me. He left the state temporarily to work in the MOTHERFUCKING WHITE HOUSE.

Striking him off the ballot means we now have to retroactively remove Alan Keyes from the 2004 senate race, and that's just sad. It was the funniest thing to happen in Illinois until Blagojevich.

nounverb911 January 24, 2011 at 1:46 pm

He can always go the write in route. Can people in Chicago write?

V572625694 January 24, 2011 at 2:04 pm

There you go again! Some people thought these folks could write:

Jane Addams
Mortimer Adler
Nelson Algren
Saul Bellow
Ray Bradbury
Gwendolyn Brooks
Raymond Chandler
Michael Crichton
James Gould Cozzens
Clarence Darrow
Philip K. Dick
Finley Peter Dunne
Roger Ebert
Dave Eggers
James T. Farrell
Edna Ferber
Milton Friedman
Larry Gelbart
Edward Gorey
Lorraine Hansberry
Ernest Hemingway
Sara Paretsky
John Dos Passo
Mike Royko
Carl Sandburg
Dan Savage
Shel Silverstein
Studs Terkel
Thorstein Veblen

Not funny, admittedly. It would've been funny, perhaps, if I'd left in all the "dental educators" that whoever compiled that list thought belonged in the group with John Dos Passos and Ernest Hemingway.

natoslug January 24, 2011 at 2:43 pm

So looking over that list, I understand that what you're saying is that Chicago accepts votes from both the living and the dead. How egalitarian.

V572625694 January 24, 2011 at 2:45 pm

It's one of our holiest traditions, thank you very much!

natoslug January 24, 2011 at 2:49 pm

My holiest tradition is peeing in the neighbor's pool, from the diving board.

Maman January 24, 2011 at 3:52 pm

Gee, I used to think that I was fairly literate, thanks for letting me know otherwise you dolt.

Tommmcatt January 24, 2011 at 1:46 pm

I'm supposed to care about this, right?

Fuck Rahm Emmanuel.

OneDollarJuana January 24, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Yeah, he got us the infamous drug compromise, and probably nixed the public option, too. Fuck him.

Negropolis January 25, 2011 at 12:22 am

Fuck Rahm, and the prima ballerina he rode in on.

Actually, I don't have much an opinion on Rahm either way outside of my general dislike for him. I don't hate him, but the bastard should have to work for once in his political life for something he wants for himself instead of thinking he can bully and powerpull his way to every success.

BaldarTFlagass January 24, 2011 at 1:47 pm

A strong Tourette's vocabulary is a terrible thing to waste.

Gratuitous World January 24, 2011 at 1:47 pm

…and carol mosely braun creamed…

it was disgusting.

JadedDissonance January 24, 2011 at 1:58 pm

ew.

DustBowlBlues January 24, 2011 at 2:06 pm

I'm with JadedDis on this one.

Weenus299 January 24, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Is JJ Evans/Jimmie Walker available? Or is he still teabagging or whatever it is he's doing?

elviouslyqueer January 24, 2011 at 1:58 pm

That would be "Coultering." And ew.

Jukesgrrl January 24, 2011 at 1:48 pm

First Cutler jersey burnings, now this. Chicagoans certainly do take it personally when someone doesn't finish the job they started.

crybabyboehner January 24, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Two words: Mayor Ditka.

JadedDissonance January 24, 2011 at 2:12 pm

I think we all know that Chicago will never have any ruler but Oprah.

metamarcisf January 24, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Unfair! This decision should be appealed immediately to the Supreme Court of Comedy.

mourningnmerica January 24, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Hey Rahm, your ex boss Barack currently works for Goldman Sachs. Have him give them a call. Your problem will be over. Goldman runs everything. But I guess you know that as well as anyone.

ttommyunger January 24, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Is there a less sympathetic figure on our National Political Scene? I fucking doubt it. I think we would all be better off if he went back to a job where he could continue to cut his fingers off.

horsedreamer_1 January 24, 2011 at 1:54 pm

I was always curious how, of the various Clinton hands from the '92 campaign, Rahm for so long avoided being understood as the milquetoast he is. That bird long ago flew on Stephanopoulos, Dee Dee Myers, Carville… But somehow, Rahm sailed on.

ttommyunger January 24, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Low public exposure, hides a multitude of sins.

elviouslyqueer January 24, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Is there a less sympathetic figure on our National Political Scene? I fucking doubt it.

I dunno. Rahm's got lots of competition from Blago, let alone Joementum, Kent (who?) Conrad, and of course Snowbilly Supreme.

Radiotherapy January 24, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Macaca.

DustBowlBlues January 24, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Kent Lazy Coward Conrad, you mean.

ttommyunger January 24, 2011 at 2:10 pm

And the list goes on…..

fuflans January 24, 2011 at 2:33 pm

hmmm, with just a casual glance at today's wonkette, i would say rahm's got a lot of competition in that category (huckabee, macaca, olbermann, will, lieberman, baggers, canada).

but maybe that's just me.

ttommyunger January 24, 2011 at 2:40 pm

I just said sympathetic, not dickish, foolish, dumb, oafish corrupt. You are widening the field, we could go on all day…and, why not? :)

SorosBot January 24, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Keith Olberman fired or quit, Regis and Kevin Smith both announce their retirements, and now Rahm may be out of politics for at least quite some time; this has been a weekend of many unexpected career endings.

metamarcisf January 24, 2011 at 1:53 pm

You forgot Jay Cutler.

slowhansolo January 24, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Isn't it all cute and charming nowadays when we're reminded how we used to be a nation of laws? Kinda gets ya right here.

emmelemm January 24, 2011 at 3:25 pm

Props. I enjoyed this comment.

Sometimes it sucks being a nation of laws, but we are.

Negropolis January 25, 2011 at 12:26 am

He'll probably get back on when the state supreme court decrees as such, but I always thought the silliness about him going to serve the president as if he was sent off to woar was not only ridiculous, but kind of offensive to people who, you know, have actually been sent off to fucking war.

cheaphits January 24, 2011 at 1:54 pm

There are peeps in Chicago that you don't want to piss off – looks like Rahm has found them.

horsedreamer_1 January 24, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Rahm Emmanuel has vowed to unleash a plague of Asian Carp on the Chicago River if this decision is not overturned.

Oh… Wait….

LesBontemps January 24, 2011 at 1:55 pm

2-1 decision? Well, there will be at least one Appellate Division judge that lives to see another day.

JadedDissonance January 24, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Pretty scathing dissenting opinion too: "The majority’s decision disenfranchises not just this particular candidate, but every voter in Chicago who would consider voting for him." Also: "This is pure flight of fancy."

JadedDissonance January 24, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Flights of Fancy was the name of a toy-store for grownups in the town I grew up in.

DustBowlBlues January 24, 2011 at 2:15 pm

If I were planning on running as a Democrat, I'd stand up for Rahm's right to run. [applause for alliteration] Methinks there might be some hard feelings on the part of those people who wanted to vote for him, and might revenge-vote for the Republithug, thereby revenge-fucking the city of Chicago. (PS to Windy City: Try living in the Dust Bowl during quaintly-named tornado season).

MistaEko January 24, 2011 at 1:55 pm

I dare say, the Appellate Court sure Sam Shields'd that Chicago run.

Moleman_v3 January 24, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Forget it Rahm, it's Chi-town!

chascates January 24, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Rod Blagojevich–Chicago's next Mayor!!!!

baconzgood January 24, 2011 at 1:58 pm

I don't understand. With the inter-world web, fax thingies, cell phones and I-pods does one really need to "LIVE" in the city of your constituency? The only people who lack these items are the poor and as you know they arn't REAL people.

LesBontemps January 24, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Opponents have argued Emanuel is not a resident of Chicago because he rented out his North Side home while serving as chief of staff to Obama. The renter — Rob Halpin — refused to allow Emanuel to move back in after Mayor Daley’s announcement last year that he would not seek re-election. Halpin briefly ran for mayor himself.

This is the premise for either an NBC sitcom or a TLC reality show.

Sassomatic January 24, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Fuck the fucking Bears, too, motherfuckers.

edgydrifter January 24, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Can Rahm complete a forward pass? Despondent Chicago ledge-clingers need to know ASAP.

MinAgain January 24, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Don't be sad, Rahm. There's always American Idol.

GOPCrusher January 24, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Speaking of Jay Cutler, I'll bet this AM, Steve Bartman is his biggest fan.

nounverb911 January 24, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Bartman is going to be the Bears QB next year.

JoshuaNorton January 24, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Poor Rahm. No doubt he's run through his standard litany of cuss words and is now inventing a bunch of new ones.

SayItWithWookies January 24, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Which Chicago is this, where ineligibility is a hindrance to public office?

mereoblivion January 24, 2011 at 2:03 pm

"threatening to disrupt Chicago’s processed meat supply." Didn't he already disrupt it, with his finger? And why do our courts hate ballet-trained triathletes whose middle name is Israel?

freakishlywrong January 24, 2011 at 2:04 pm

The retards in Rahm's electorate can think only of his shower scene with Eric Massa where he was referred to as "son of the devils spawn". What ever the fuck that meant, it was epic.

Extemporanus January 24, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Though unlike Massa, Rahm will never throw in the towel, because he doesn't even fucking have one.

user-of-owls January 24, 2011 at 2:06 pm

That's not digital transcendence!

Extemporanus January 24, 2011 at 2:08 pm
WriteyWriterton January 24, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Appellate Court's opinion is at
http://www.state.il.us/court/Opinions/AppellateCo

An interesting read, if I might be allowed a moment of understatement.

WhatTheHolyHeck January 24, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Wow, that dissent was fucking BLISTERING.

facehead January 24, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Obama didn't tell him how to fake his place of birth?

Gopherit January 24, 2011 at 2:09 pm

fucking retards, all of them.

Blendergoathead January 24, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Ha. Daley took his job, then fucked him in the pooper for good measure.

Chicago politics at its finest.

mereoblivion January 24, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Establish residency, Rahm, establish residency!
Lacks a certain punch.
Emanual Can't? In freshman philosophy we grappled mightily with his Prologomena To Any Future Metaphuckingover.

Radiotherapy January 24, 2011 at 2:18 pm

At least now, Rahm has a crisis he can take opportunity of.

MozakiBlocks January 24, 2011 at 2:18 pm

According to my friends in the Windy City, you have an alderman who appoints judges, has a wife on the Supreme Court, backs another candidate who has been the recipient of millions of dollars in contracts from the city, and who is scared to death of a Mayor Rahm usurping his power to thank for this decision.

Chicago politics ain't beanbag, that's for damn sure.

jim89048 January 24, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Needs to show his long-form birth certificate, obvs.

MarionNYNY January 24, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Now wondering if the whole thing was an enormous fake-out to get him out of the White House without his creating a scene.

mourningnmerica January 24, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Hey Rahm, your ex boss Barack currently works for Goldman Sachs. Have him give them a call. Your problem will be over. Goldman runs everything. But I guess you know that as well as anyone.

sarjo January 24, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Clever, clever Rahm: This "unexpected" development will "force" him to run as a third party presidential candidate in 2012.

GOPCrusher January 24, 2011 at 2:43 pm

So I guess I can stop waiting for Clerks III: Electric Boogaloo to come out?

fuflans January 24, 2011 at 2:49 pm

to be fair, i would rather see him on DWTS than anything that crawled out of alaska.

SorosBot January 24, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Yep, that Kevin Smith; although it sounds like more his petulant anger over getting bad reviews.
http://www.avclub.com/articles/kevin-smith-announ

ttommyunger January 24, 2011 at 3:02 pm

Flufans, “You're young, you've got your health, what in the world do you want with a job?”

Angry_Marmot January 24, 2011 at 7:23 pm

Son, you got a panty on your head.

ttommyunger January 24, 2011 at 10:38 pm

O.K. then!

chickensmack January 24, 2011 at 3:02 pm

Rahm, you know it's easier to get a job when you have a job. Bonehead…

Limeylizzie January 24, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Hey Chet Kincaid
I loved Litte Ritchie Daley as the Mayor of your fine town, do you remember when everyone was dying in that heatwave in the late 90s, I was stil living there, and he came out and said "I am not the Sun God" ?

Chet Kincaid January 24, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Ha! I remember the heatwave well, but missed that quote. I remember going out with my Unrequited Love to a cafe for the AC, then trying to sleep naked on a bed without sheets or blankets and all windows open, and still sweating miserably.

You just made me think that it was probably the failure to get the Olympics that made Richie say to himself, "do I need any more of this shit?" That, and the impending/ongoing budgetary FAIL.

NorthStarSpanx January 24, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Oh he is so hot. Can he move to Alaska and warm up our Party?

Wx_Insider January 24, 2011 at 3:33 pm

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA..!!! Shit, this is golden…!!! Can we get him tossed out of the U.S. too???

AtlanticCapers January 24, 2011 at 3:36 pm

He can still run for mayor of Israel. Their residency requirements are pretty laxed, I hear.

WhatTheHolyHeck January 24, 2011 at 3:47 pm

The standard applied to the majority opinion hurts my head.

Maybe that was the plan: Oberweis or another GOPsomebody with moolah bribes the appellate court to keep Rahm out, to clear the way for his glorious Republican dairy victory. Or Hastert. His brother's Republican chicken must still be very profitable. Either way, we'll have oligarchy *and* tasty snacks throughout all of Illinois!

SorosBot January 24, 2011 at 4:57 pm

There's no way a Republican is getting elected Mayor of Chicago; but there certainly could be a bribe to keep Rahm out and clear the way for a different Democrat.

hagajim January 24, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Rahmbo is certainly going to be kicking someone's ass for this. May I suggest he start with the Packers?

lochnessmonster January 24, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Ozzie would definitely win the South Side vote…but seriously, the ppl of Chicago better hope Rahm can run b/c the rest of the field…YIKES!

undeterredbyreality January 24, 2011 at 5:51 pm

"I am not a (self-deluded, narcissistic, megalomaniac) bitch!"

BarackMyWorld January 24, 2011 at 6:04 pm

I have a terrible case of not giving a shit.

LibrulEleet January 24, 2011 at 7:27 pm

Chicago residency is a fucking valuable thing. They don't just give it away for free.

lulzmonger January 24, 2011 at 9:42 pm

………. & nothing of value was lost.

Barbara_i January 25, 2011 at 12:16 am

I didn't read about this in the news. I heard a rumble outside earlier. The answer my friend, was swearing in the wind.

Negropolis January 25, 2011 at 12:31 am

BTW, has anyone else ever been annoyed that a candidate for a House seat doesn't actually have to live in the district that they are running to be a congressman from? Really, WTF?

ShaveTheWhales January 25, 2011 at 9:05 pm

I had to read that twice. Very nice.

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