Rahm Emanuel Kicked Off Chicago Ballot By F*cking Appellate Court

Though he is currently leading landslidingly in the polls, Rahm Emanuel is no longer eligible to run for mayor of Chicago, because an appellate court ruled 2-1 that he did not meet residency requirements because he did not, you know, reside there. This will be appealed to the Illinois Supreme Court, of course, which hopefully has enough Daleys or whatever on it for Rahm to get this decision overturned. Otherwise, what's Rahm to do? It's not like there's a big, high-profile administration anywhere that likes to keep a full stock of Chicago Democratic personalities.

“It’s a surprise,” said Kevin Forde, the attorney who argued on Emanuel’s behalf.

Rahm released the following statement:

Fuck you, fuckers. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck... Fucking fuckity fuck fuck. Mother fuck. For the people of Chicago. 

Also, on his way out, he probably set all the computers in the court building to blast deafening gay porn. Now he will force the state to let him on the ballot with the hard-nosed tactic of threatening to disrupt Chicago's processed meat supply. And he will carry on a Super-Soaker loaded with some kind of death poison.

But for now, the field is cleared for an Ozzie Guillen candidacy. [ Chicago Sun-Times ]